Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters.
Chapter Nine
A.J. slowly became aware of a sharp pain warping through his left arm. He opened his eyes and waited for them to adjust to the dimness of the room. The wooziness he had felt before had grown worse, as the room began to swim ever so slowly. A.J. moaned and decided to politely decline any future chances of experiencing a dimension jump again.
His eyes finally began to make out the shapes of the few remaining objects in the room; a rope on the wall, the intercom, a vent in the corner. He turned and looked at his arm, but it was still too dark to be able to tell exactly what was wrong. Maybe that was just as well, he told himself, and leaned back against the wall.
Suddenly the lights blinked on, and A.J. shielded his eyes, waiting for them to readjust yet again. He put his weight down on his arm and yelped in pain. Suddenly he hoped his eyes would take their time in adjusting to the light. They didn't, though; within seconds he could see just fine. He looked down.
Well at least it wasn't bleeding much, he told himself. A.J. hated the sight of blood. His arm did look quite pale, however, and that was discomforting enough. Suddenly his heart leapt into his throat, and the wooziness increased.
He tried to tell himself otherwise, but he couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't normal for his elbow to be on the inside of his arm.
"A.J., are you all right?"
He kept staring at his impossibly twisted arm. "More or less," he managed to say. "How are you?"
"I'm fine. I'll let you know what's going on as soon as I figure it out myself. It won't be long." Rimmer switched off the intercom. "--I hope," he muttered. "Where are we, Diane?"
"You're not going to believe this, but we're back in your own dimension."
"Really?" He looked out the window, looking for something that would confirm that he was really back, but saw only space, as usual. Not exactly bonifide proof that Diane was right. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. Everything checks out."
"But how?"
"Well don't ask me! I'm as surprised as you are. I have no idea how it happened."
Rimmer slowly rolled his head in her direction. "You were too busy staring at me again, weren't you."
"Guilty as charged."
"Diane, we really have to talk about this problem of yours--"
"Wait, I've detected a ship. It's right ahead of us. You should be able to see it--now."
Rimmer looked up and squinted at the pinpoint up ahead. Probably some derelict or something, he thought, and shrugged it off. But something made him look back again. As it got closer and closer, it became obvious what ship lie ahead of him.
It was Red Dwarf.
He couldn't help but stare. It had been such a long time since he had seen it, and he took it in like he had done when he first saw it in the space port all those years ago. It wasn't a striking ship in any sort of way, but for some odd reason, the rusty red hull and menacing structures sticking out all over seemed the most welcome sight he had seen in a long time. For the first time in ages, he felt like himself again.
Diane put on her most innocent face and chirped, "Oh look, it's your old ship!"
"Yes, thank you, I'm glad you were able to state the obvious." He tapped his chair. "So what?"
"So, now you can check up on your friends, like you wanted to."
"Well as much as I'd LOVE to see them," he said, the sarcasm dripping from his lips, "they're not on board, remember? They're off on Starbug somewhere, searching for it."
"But I detect lifesigns!"
"Yes, probably from whoever it was that took it. How many are there?"
"Two--a human and a humanoid. I'm also detecting a mechanoid. Coincidence? I think not."
Rimmer looked at the Dwarf again. "So they *are* on board," he said quietly. He suddenly felt sad. They found it without him. Somehow he felt he should have been there with them.
"So? Are you going to see them are not?"
Rimmer decided to try a different approach. "Diane, we don't have time for that. We need to get A.J. some help. I don't like the look of the gash on his head."
"Well why don't we use the medi-unit on Red Dwarf?"
"We can't do that!"
"Why not?"
"Because we...I could never...I'm not...,"--he pounded his fist on the console. "We just can't. All right?"
"But what if he's really hurt? We can't just go sweeping around deep space trying to find a different ship with a different medi-unit! I'm sorry, Ace. We've got to use it. What do you say?"
He stared at the ship again and tried to come up with a better excuse, but his mind refused to help him in this matter. He hated when that happened.
"Fine," he said at last. "But keep it quiet. Teleport us directly into the medi-unit, and keep the Wildfire out of sight. I don't want them to know we're here."
"Whatever you say, Ace. But what if they're monitoring their sensors?"
"Please. Knowing those modos, the last thing they'd do is show some competence. With any luck, we can get in and leave again without any of them bothering us. Oh, and make a distraction for Holly, just in case she might actually do something right for once and alert the others."
He switched the intercom on. "A.J.? We're going to beam down to the ship up ahead and get you some help. Hang on."
A.J. nodded and smoothed back into his crumpled position. The pain was all but consuming him, and this was the only way he could sit and be somewhat comfortable. He looked at the rope with longing. If he didn't get painkiller soon, he was going to figure out some way to kill himself.
Lister clumped blindly down the corridor, unable to see above the large pile of suits he was carrying. He didn't even know if he was in the right place or not.
"Cat, y'there?"
"Yeah," came a faint voice from somewhere in front of him. "Over here."
Lister took a few more cautious steps and decided it was close enough; he threw the suits on the floor--about ten feet away from where he was supposed to be. Cat was by his side in a split second.
"What are you doin' to my suits? This velvet does not need to be crushed!"
"Cat, how many smeggin' suits do you have?"
"Only as many as I need! About 2000 or so. Now c'mon, get these suits over by the others."
"Cat, I am not carrying any more clothes anywhere. We've been doin' this for over four hours! No correction, *I've* been doing this--you just sat there and watched."
"Hey, you should feel blessed. I'm letting you touch my clothes! What more do you want?"
"I don't mean to interrupt," Holly said as he appeared on the monitor, "but something's just teleported into the medi-unit."
"Yeah? What is it?"
"I dunno."
"Didn't you look?"
"What, and ruin the surprise?"
Lister rolled his eyes. "Never mind, I'll go. At least it won't involve any clothes transportation."
"What about my suits?" cried Cat. "You can't just leave `em here. Are you seriously tellin' me you'd rather find out what's out there instead of being allowed to touch my clothes AND hang them up?"
"Look, either finish movin' `em yourself, or get Kryten to help ya. Hol, meet me in the medi-unit."
Cat watched him go. "Man, some people just don't have their priorities straight," he declared, and slinked off to find Kryten.
Holly shot through the ship with confidence; he didn't even think he'd have to stop and ask a skutter for directions this time. A millisecond away from the medi-unit, something caught his eye. He stopped and looked out a window. A large yellow 'T' was blazing in the darkness of space. It shone brighter than any star in the sky, proudly proclaiming the grandeur of the twentieth letter of the alphabet.
"T," said Holly. "Not my first pick for such a lavish display of alphabet strength, but not a bad choice either, I suppose."
Suddenly a large 'H' appeared. Then an 'I'.
"What, there's more? I would've thought 'T' said it all."
Now an 'S' came. "This?"
'I'
'S'
"This is? This is strange, if you ask me."
'A'
"Ah, back to basics again."
'D'
"Maybe not."
'I'
'S'
"A disappointment? I'll say. You should have stopped with 'T'"
'T'
'R'
'A'
'C'
'T'
'I'
'O'
'N'
Holly's face fell. "Oh."
Lister rounded the last corner before the medi-unit when a blood-curdling roar cut through the air. He heard boots clumping towards him and ducked back behind the corner, cursing himself for not taking that bazookoid he had passed on the way. Slowly, he peered around the corner. A silver blur raced back into the room, and Lister pulled back out of sight. What to do next?
Crrrkkkkk!
The sound sent chills down Lister's spine, as another painful cry from whatever it was in the room changed Lister's mind about waiting for Kryten to come. He had to either go in there and face it, or leg it back to the others.
Crrrkkkkk! "yerRRRrrrgh!!!!!"
Option two was looking better and better.
Lister tried to calm down, but it wasn't working. After all the weird things he had come across in the past, his imagination was running wild with possible outcomes, filling his mind with horrific images as it tried to decide what was going on in there. He was so preoccupied with worry that he didn't realize that the screaming had stopped.
Lister strained his ears to hear --nothing. Absolute silence. Perhaps whatever it was left ? his mind suggested with hope. He began to lean around the corner again.
"Are we done now?"
The unexpected voice sent Lister reeling backwards. He picked himself off the floor as quickly as he could, and listened in again.
"How am I supposed to concentrate with you screaming in my ear? Sit still."
Lister cracked a smile. He knew that voice. But it couldn't possibly be--
The boots clumped towards him again. No time to run. Lister stood up to face whatever it was that was coming. He emerged from his hiding place--
--and smacked right into a brick wall, or at least what felt like a brick wall, and found himself on the floor again. He put on a brave front, and looked up.
Somehow he managed to keep his eyes from popping out. Just.
"Rimmer?!"
Rimmer looked back at him. "Lister, do you mind, I'm in a hurry!" He jumped up and rushed down the corridor. Lister ran after him.
"Rimmer, is it really you?"
"Yes of course it is. Who else would I be?"
"I just can't believe it! What are y'doin' here?"
"Don't worry, I won't be here long."
"Rimmer, stop." He put his hand on Rimmer's shoulder when Rimmer refused to slow down. They stood in silence for a moment.
"Well?!" asked Rimmer at last.
"No, sorry, I just, it's been so...," He smiled and looked down. "It's good to see ya."
Rimmer was surprised to discover that he was smiling as well. "Yeah."
Both of them suddenly cleared their throats, realizing that they had both just admitted to being happy to see each other. It was a very new concept and neither was sure if they were completely comfortable with it.
Rimmer started to walk again. "So, you found Red Dwarf."
"Yeah. You'd never believe where it was all this time either."
"Where was it?"
"In my dirty sock basket."
Rimmer did a triple take. "Did you just say what I think you said?!"
"Don't worry. I'll explain it all later." They walked in silence. Both of their minds zoomed with questions they were dying to ask, but neither of them wanted to be the one to start the conversation. The small talk continued.
"Is Holly fully operational again?"
"Yeah--well, at least his memory's as good as it was when we last saw him." They both smirked.
"So you never said--why are you here?"
Rimmer's pace quickened. "Smeg, I almost forgot."
"Forgot what?"
"Where's Kryten? He might be able to help."
"Help with what?" They were both running now. "Rimmer, what the smeg is goin' on?"
They entered the next hallway and came upon Kryten and Cat, both of whom jumped up and sped towards them when they saw
"Ace! Buddy, what are you doin' here?" Cat offered his hand and Rimmer answered with a firm shake.
"Bit of a mystery, Cat old friend," he replied in a perfect Ace voice. "Afraid there was a miscalculation of some sort and I wound up here instead of the intended destination. Just thought I'd pop by as long as I was in the area, see how you chaps were holding up."
"Welcome back, Mr. Ace sir," said Kryten, offering his hand as well. "Is there anything I can get for you?"
"Kryters, are there any more medical supplies other than the ones in the medi-unit?"
"Yes sir, there are some on A deck. I'll get them at once." Kryten turned to go and Rimmer leaned back to Lister.
"You didn't tell them?" he asked through his teeth.
"I thought you didn't want them t'know," Lister whispered back. "They still think *you're* the one that was killed."
Rimmer turned back to Cat, who was still grinning madly. "What about me? Anything I can do?"
"But cats don't do the 'w' word."
"Hey, normally I wouldn't offer, but for you, it's different."
"Thanks Cat, but you've got suits to put away. You can't let that velvet get crushed, right?" He slapped Cat's back and turned down the next corridor with Lister close behind. Cat looked at his suits, then looked at where Ace had just gone. He went into turbo and had all the remaining suits hanging in a matter of minutes, then slinked off to try and catch up with them.
A glass tube shattered on the floor of the medi-unit as A.J. stumbled out the door. At least his arm was untwisted, but now his head had decided to start getting weird. He had awoke to the sound of saws being played like violins, and when he sat up he saw a small bearded apple sitting at the foot of his bed. The apple wanted a cigar and told A.J. that if he didn't find one soon, the tiles would go on strike. A.J. certainly didn't want that to happen.
He couldn't wait for Ace to return with whatever it was he was going to give him. Thousands of tiles were counting on him, and he wasn't going to let them down. He would find that cigar if it was the last thing he'd ever do.