Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters.
Chapter Eleven
"And then what happened?"
"Well by then the ship was about to be pulled into the rift, and those plans were still on board. I knew I couldn't let them be destroyed; without that machine, the atmosphere over their planet would have become unbreathable. They were all counting on me, and I wasn't about to let them down. The crew tried to tell me to forget about it, but I ordered them to get the hell off the ship before it was too late. It wasn't their time to die.
"After they launched, I raced back to the bridge to download the plans. Halfway there, the hull began to rupture as the stern began to be sucked into the rift. The ship began to tilt and soon I found myself running uphill, trying to avoid exploding monitors and short-circuiting wires."
Cat and Kryten sat wide-eyed as Ace told them the story. "Did you make it?"
"Of course I did, old garden mower. It's hard to stop a man with a mission. When I finally reached the bridge, the ship snapped in two. I was thrown forwards--right in front of the plans. I reached out for them, when suddenly the ship rose sharply. I had to climb up the floor to get back to those plans. And that's when the power went out."
"No power? How did you possibly get off the ship, sir?"
"Well I couldn't get to the escape pods, since that part of the ship had already been pulled into the rift. And I couldn't hail my ship to teleport me off the bridge because my communicator was down. So I did what anyone else would have done in my place."
Everyone was on the edge of their seats, and all asked in unison: "WHAT?"
"I assembled a crude space suit, cut the cabin pressure, hot-wired the self-destruct program, and strapped myself into the captain's chair. The drop in pressure blew an opening in front of me, the explosion rocketed me to safety. Of course I couldn't control the chair at all, which put a nasty part in my hair, but I got an excellent view of the rift as I sped away to safety. My ship picked me up, I returned the plans, and that, as they say, is that."
"Absolutely incredible, sir. That's even more amazing than your last story."
"Please. All in a day's work."
Kryten stood up. "Well as much as I'd like to hear more, I'm afraid I've got some laundry to take out of the dryer."
"Yeah, and I have to apply that hot oil treatment to my hair," said Cat. "It just isn't workin' today." They both left the room, and Rimmer sat down on his old bunk.
"Well you've certainly got them convinced," said Lister from above him.
"You think so? I wasn't sure."
"Yeah, you had `em eating out of your hand, man." He hopped down from his bunk and gave Rimmer a frank look. "So what REALLY happened."
Rimmer was busy looking over his old stuff. "Hmm?"
"Come on, you can tell me. It's all right, I won't let anyone know."
He turned slowly towards Lister. "What are you driveling about?"
"You know, why you're really back here. Things didn't go well, did they? You blew up the ship instead of savin' it or somethin', right?"
"You don't believe me," he said flatly.
"Well I'm sorry, but it's kinda hard to picture YOU acting all heroic an' stuff."
Rimmer was dumfounded. "You really don't believe I did all that, do you?"
"Well no offense man, really! It's okay to admit you failed. No one expects you to be perfect, especially not me."
"I don't believe this!" His voice was a perfect blend of anger, sadness, and frustration. "You really can't accept that I actually succeeded as Ace."
"Rimmer, will you calm down? It's no big deal."
"No big deal? Lister, this is my destiny we're talking about. I'll have you know that everything I said is absolutely true."
"Oh yeah? Then why are you here?"
"Well it's not because I was a hideous failure and I wanted some sympathy from you if that's what you think, and obviously it is. I told you, I don't know how I ended up back here."
"Then why were you in the medi-unit? What's with the secrecy and the noise?"
Suddenly Cat rushed in. "Hey, look who I found!" Lister and Rimmer exchanged confused looks as Cat dashed out again, only to reappear a few moments later, leading a very weary A.J. into the room.
Lister's jaw dropped. "Who the smeg is that?"
"You dummy, who's it look like? It's goal-post head!" He looked him up and down to confirm it. "I guess he didn't die like we thought!"