Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters.
Chapter Twelve
Rimmer helped A.J. sit down as Cat continued to talk up a storm in excitement.
"So much has happened since you left, bud! Officer B.B. was here, and freak-face exploded, Lister lost his arm, and those nano-dudes put the ship back together--"
"Are you the lemonade man?" A.J. asked him in a shaky voice.
"No, I'm Cat, remember? How could you forget me? I'm living proof of perfection!"
A.J. looked disappointed. "So you're not the lemonade man?"
"I just told you, I'm Cat." He turned to Lister. "My perfection must be too much to take."
"Rimmer, who the smeg is this?"
"No, that's Ace, dummy. THIS," Cat pointed at A.J., "is Rimmer. I guess my perfection's affectin' YOU now. It's not surprisin'."
Rimmer reached over and grabbed the syringe gun Kryten had brought down. "A.J., I told you not to leave the medi-unit."
"What, you too?" asked Cat, and got out his hand mirror. "I have to use that hot oil stuff more often!"
"This will make you feel better." Rimmer injected the yellow liquid into A.J.'s arm.
"But I have to find the lemonade man!" A.J. protested. "He's the only one who can tell me where the cigar is." He tried to get up but Rimmer forced him back down.
"Just sit still. You'll be fine in a minute."
Kryten marched in carrying a pile of neatly folded laundry. He caught sight of A.J. and almost dropped it.
"Mr. Rimmer sir?! Is that really you?"
Cat frowned. "I guess it doesn't work on everybody."
"Rimmer, who the smeg is this?" Lister asked again.
"But we thought you were destroyed, sir. What happened? Where have you been all this time?"
"He wasn't destroyed," Lister turned to Ace, "were you, Rimmer?"
"But sir, that's Mr. Ace, you know that. Mr. Rimmer is over here."
Now Holly appeared on the monitor. "All right dudes."
"Hol, where've you been?"
"Sorry, got distracted." He looked at Ace. "Oy, when did you become a hologram?"
"Holly, check your sensors, they must be malfunctioning," said Kryten.
A.J. looked up at Kryten. "Are *you* the lemonade man?" he asked hopefully.
"Sir?"
"Will everyone shut up!" Rimmer yelled at last. The room fell silent, and all eyes were on him. "You're all right, in a way." He looked at A.J. "Well, except for the lemonade man thing, but your head should clear in a minute or two." He sat down, and everyone followed suit.
"Now bear with me for a few minutes. I've got a long and complicated story to tell." He looked at Lister, who nodded for him to go ahead, and Rimmer began the explanations.
(time passes...)
Cat was beginning to feel that he'd need an instruction manual to make sense of everything he'd just heard. "So let me see if I got this straight. This guy," he pointed at Rimmer, "who looks like Ace, is actually Rimmer."
Lister and Rimmer nodded. "Yup."
"And even though he looks, sounds, and acts just like Ace, he's actually Ace's replacement and not the real Ace, right?" Another nod, another "yup."
"And this dude," he pointed at A.J., "who looks like Rimmer, is actually a different Rimmer from a different dimension, who has nothin' to do with Ace whatsoever."
"Yeah, sounds like you got it, Cat."
Cat stood up and headed for the door. "Maybe if I don't think about it, it'll either make sense or go away." He shook his head and walked out.
"So that was actually another replacement's light bee that we sent off, and not Mr. Rimmer's?" asked Kryten.
Lister nodded. "Right. We had to make it look like Rimmer had died so that he could assume the role."
"Oy, when did all this happen? I don't remember any of it."
"You weren't there, Hol. Don't worry about it."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Figures I suppose. Something interesting happens for once and I'm not around to see it."
"What d'you mean, for once? Weird stuff happens to us all the time."
Holly thought for a minute. "Oh right. Forgot about that."
A.J. leaned over to Rimmer and asked, "Is he always like that?"
"No. Usually he's worse." He gestured to A.J.'s arm. "How is it?"
"I'll be fine, as long as you don't have to twist the bones again."
Lister looked at the arm, then at Rimmer, then finished with an unconvinced look at A.J. "HE fixed your arm?"
"Mm-hmm. It was completely twisted around. He had to grab it and snap it back into place. It wasn't all together a pleasant experience." Now he studied Lister's face. "You look familiar to me somehow. I don't know where I would know you from, unless..."
"What? Unless what?"
"Of course! The forum on Irwin Rommel I hosted in San Francisco. We had a stop-over in Fiji, and I went to a hot dog and doughnut stand."
"Get outta town," said Lister with a huge grin.
"You even guessed my favorite kind of doughnut. Needless to say I gave you quite a tip."
Lister nudged Rimmer's shoulder. "Hear that Rimmer? A tip. People appreciate those."
"Yes they do, Lister, and here's one for you: smeg off."
"It's so cool, man, I really made it to Fiji! Good for him." He slugged A.J. on the arm--the bad arm--and A.J. yelped in pain.
"Hmm. Sounds like that arm still needs some mending, sir." Kryten gently examined it and nodded. "I think I'll take you back to the medi-unit for more tests."
"I already ran them, Kryten. I think the problem lies in..."
Lister gave up on trying to follow the conversation that was taking place. He didn't know what half the words meant, and judging by A.J.'s worried expression, neither did he. Rimmer certainly seemed to know what he was talking about though. Lister was terribly confused. Could it be true? Could Rimmer have actually succeeded as Ace? Normally he would have laughed his head off at such a thought, but seeing him now...
Of course, it could be an act, he reminded himself. He wouldn't put it past him; he knew how incredibly weasly Rimmer could be if he wanted to. Rimmer certainly could be making all of this up to hide what was really going on. Maybe A.J. was in on it too. Some big lie to make Rimmer look good.
Then why is Kryten going along with it? asked the voice of reason. Lister didn't know.
"I think you're right, sir," he heard Kryten say, and Lister watched him lead A.J. out the door. He turned to Rimmer. It was time to find out some answers.