Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters.
Chapter Thirteen
Lister put on his best "I'm not buying it" look and folded his arms. "All right Rimmer, what's going on?"
"With what?"
"You really fixed his arm?"
"Yes Lister, I really fixed his arm. Is that so hard to believe?"
"Well quite frankly, yeah. I mean, where'd you learn how t'do all that stuff?"
"What stuff?"
"Medical-type stuff. How'd you know how to fix his arm?"
"Well I can't take complete credit. Diane talked me through most of it."
Lister shook his head, not understanding. "Diane?"
"The computer onboard the Wildfire. I've got a communicator in my collar in case I need her."
"Diane, eh?" asked Holly from behind them. He was dying for a bit of company, and now was as good a time as any. "Lovely name for a computer. Think I'll pop down and see if she needs any help."
"With what?"
"I dunno, computerish stuff I guess. Things only computers understand or talk about." Holly nodded and promptly blinked off the screen before any more questions could be asked.
"Poor Holly," Rimmer said after Holly left. "He's going to get his heart broken." He noticed Lister was staring at him. "Lister, do you think you can manage to put your own eyeballs back in or would you like some help?"
"Sorry man, I'm just so...confused."
"Confused? About what?"
"About you. I mean, look at you! You seem so different!"
Rimmer looked himself over, trying to see exactly what Lister meant. "Well of course I look different, gimboid. I'm dressed like Ace. This isn't even my hair, in case you didn't know."
"No, it's not just your appearance, it's you all together. You're so confident, so sure of yourself. In fact, you actually seem competent!"
Rimmer glared at him. "Well thank you for your vote of confidence."
"Look man. We've known each other for how long now, and in all that time, I've never, EVER seen you like this. Maybe once in a while, ok, but to see you actin' so caring? So responsible? I'm sorry, it's just hard to believe you've changed so much. You're different."
"But I'm NOT, Lister, not really. I'm still me, don't you see? I still like Hammond Organ music, I still enjoy the odd game of Risk--by the way, have you seen my Risk journal? It doesn't seem to be here with the rest of my things."
"Erm, let's get back to that."
Rimmer began to pace around the room. "I don't know, Listy. All this adventuring, all this hero business--it's all getting so...so..."
Lister winced, remembering something he had tried to forget. "Samey?"
"Yes! That's exactly it, it's getting samey. I never got used to being Ace, not completely. Yes I did fine, but...oh, I don't know, I just can't shake the feeling that there's something I'm missing, like I'm meant to be doing something else." He spotted something from the corner of his eye, and walked to the wall.
"Rimmer, you heard what Ace told you. It's your destiny. How can your destiny be wrong?"
"Lister? Is this a new picture of you and Kochanski?"
Kryten must have flipped the pictures back around, he thought. "Yeah."
"But how is this possible? Kochanski's been dead for eons."
"Yeah, well, MY Kris has. That's a Kris from a different dimension."
Rimmer looked closer. "You're kidding."
"Nope."
"And she was here? How?"
"We stumbled across a linkway to her dimension and she accidentally got stuck with us."
"So where is she?"
"She left just a few weeks ago. She figured out a way to reestablish the linkway and took Blue Midget to try it out. It disappeared in a flash of light and we haven't seen or heard from her since." Lister looked down, and added quietly, "I guess that means it worked."
Rimmer turned around and faced Lister once more. "But why did she want to leave?"
"She didn't fit in here, man. She treated us like we didn't know what we were doing."
"So what? You don't."
"Yeah, but we don't need to be reminded of the fact every three seconds!" He slumped down on Rimmer's bunk.
"Lister, I hardly think that she'd leave just to get away from your incompetence--although it does make sense now that I think about it..."
"Nah. She left to get back to her Lister."
"HER Lister?"
"Yeah. See in her universe, *she* got put into stasis and *I* was brought back as a hologram. Only difference is, somehow that Lister became incredibly sensitive an' stuff. He actually enjoyed talking about female things. Probably made lace doilies in his spare time too."
"He was really that different from you?"
Lister nodded. "Kochanski had to tell me over and over and over again about how much better 'her Dave' was. Drove me spare."
"And yet?"
"What 'and yet'? There is no 'yet.'"
"Lister, you actually expect me to believe that Kochanski was here, and you hated every minute of it?"
"Well no, not every single minute was bad." He looked Rimmer straight in the eyes. "It was nice seein' her face again, y'know? Bein' with her, even if it wasn't her exactly. At least it was somethin'..."
His voice trailed off as he remembered how Kochanski left. She'd never even told him that she was leaving until just an hour before she planned on going. Even when she did tell him, she sounded reluctant to let him know exactly what was going on. In fact, Lister was quite certain she wanted to leave without telling him at all. That's what hurt the most, no matter how many times he tried to convince himself otherwise. She really didn't care about him, not in the least. Even if there wasn't anything romantic between them, Lister thought she'd at LEAST have felt some sort of friendship there. Now he doubted even that.
He looked back at Rimmer, who actually seemed to be giving him a look of sympathy. Lister shook his head; he was still unconvinced about Rimmer being a success as Ace, but for Rimmer to actually be feeling sorry for him? That was truly impossible.
"Lister?"
He waved his hand. "Sorry. Nothin'. Kochanski's gone, an' that's that. End of story."
Now it was Rimmer's turn to give Lister an unconvinced glance. "So there was nothing between you two. Nothing at all."
"No. We were friends, I guess, an' that's all."
"But you said she--"
"Look, can we just drop the conversation? I'm sick of talkin' about it."
"Lister, I'm just trying to help! I know how love can hurt."
"YOU? Rimmer, you were a love celibate, remember? You were the one that always put your career ahead of anything else. You didn't have time to discover what true love really is. How could you possibly know what it's like?"
Rimmer sat down at the table. "Do you remember when I tried to become part of the Enlightenment crew?"
"Yeah. You used a mind patch and it rebelled on ya, but then your opponent dropped out of the contest."
"But I never told you why I came back, did I?"
Lister thought about this for a moment. "No, you didn't. I always thought they found out the truth about you, and that's why you came back." He gave Rimmer a discerning look when he didn't deny it. "What, are you seriously telling me there was a different reason?"
Rimmer looked back with a dreamy look in his eye. "I left because of Nirvana."
The food smelled delicious, but Kochanski had lost her appetite. At least her headache had finally subsided. Now all that remained was the emptiness that had started to spread throughout her being. She tried to be strong and ignore it, but it just kept coming back. Loneliness. Depression. That foggy void that was slowly swallowing her whole.
She looked over at Nirvana, who had just entered a report into her consol. She seemed so confident, like nothing could ever bother her. Kochanski envied her strength. She used to be like that. Independent and in control. She missed that Kochanski a lot. Looking at Nirvana once more, she was sure she'd never reach that level of self-reliance again.
That's when Nirvana turned and met her gaze.
Kochanski's eyes followed a small, sparkling tear as it made its way down Nirvana's face, slowly slipping over her cheek bone before finally falling to the floor. As it spread into a small pool on the ground, both women decided to forget that they were proper officers for the moment. Now was not the time nor place for rules and regulations.
Kochanski put a supportive arm around Nirvana's shoulders and bent down beside her. "Nirvana, what's wrong?"
Nirvana quickly brushed away the trail that the tear had left, but it was quickly filled by another. "Why, nothing's wrong, Kris. What could possibly be wrong?" Her lip began to quiver, and she buried her face in her hands.
Kochanski led her to her bed and sat down next to her. "It has something to do with that man in the lift, doesn't it?"
Nirvana nodded, still with her face in her hands.
"Is there anything I can do?"
She looked up and wiped her tear-stained eyes as best she could. Kochanski offered her a tissue, and she readily accepted. "Not unless you can get me off this ship somehow."
"What did he do to you?"
"No, it's not what he did, it's what he's going to do." For a moment Kochanski thought she was going to break down again, but Nirvana managed to hang on. "He's going to erase my memory."
"All of it? Whatever for?"
"No not all of it, just my memories of...of..." her voice broke. Nirvana looked down for a moment before continuing. "My memories of him."
Kochanski didn't want to believe it quite yet, but she was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, she had finally found a kindred spirit. Someone who knew what it was like. "Who?"
"He was a technician. Nothing extraordinary about him really, but he was so...so very..."
"Perfect?" offered Kochanski quietly.
"Yes. Somehow he was. He brought me the only happiness I've ever known. Probably the only happiness I'll EVER know. Now Jason--that's the name of the man you met--Jason wants to erase my memories of him. He thinks that my emotions are ruining my career and putting the ship in danger."
"What? That's preposterous. How could your feelings possibly interfere with your duties?"
"You don't understand. On this ship, all that matters is intelligence and rank. Everyone's egos are grossly inflated; everyone is out to beat everyone else. Jason is one of the worst we have. He's so competitive and petty. He's using me to show off to the captain so he can be promoted, you see?" She blinked away more tears. "He doesn't care about my feelings because on this ship, you're not supposed to have feelings. Love isn't even considered to be love--it's a temporary hormonal distraction. I'm the only one on board that's experienced true love first hand." She sighed. "The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that I'll somehow see him again someday. And now Jason wants to take that away from me."
She looked at Kochanski and dabbed her eyes again. "Oh look at me, blubbering like this. I'm sorry, I don't mean to bore you with my problems."
Now Nirvana saw that Kochanski had begun to cry. "Kris, no. What's the matter?"
"Nothing, I just...I know how you feel. I've been separated from my love as well."
Nirvana sat down next to Kochanski. "Really? What happened?"
"I'm not from this dimension, Nirvana," she began. "I got stuck here by accident, and I've been trying to get back there ever since. I finally got a chance to a few weeks ago, so I went in that ship-to-surface vessel to try out my theory." She offered Nirvana a weak smile. "It worked. I was back. I saw the `Dwarf up ahead, and I got hailed by...him. It was so great to see his face again, to hear his voice!"
Nirvana nodded, trying not to cry again. "But something went wrong."
"I was so close." Kochanski pounded her fist into one of the pillows on the bed. "I was so damn close! I was just about to dock inside the ship. Dave was waiting for me on the landing gantry! All I had to do was ease her down and run out to him." She wiped away an angry tear. "Suddenly the vessel was pulled back at incredible speed, like a rubber band being snapped. The ship got farther and farther away, and suddenly I was hurtled back into this dimension. I still don't know what went wrong." She couldn't hold back the tears any more. "I STILL DON'T KNOW!" she cried.
Nirvana cradled her head and rocked her back and forth. This poor woman, she thought. Trying to be so brave when she has to keep this on the inside. Nirvana couldn't help but envy her strength.
At last Kochanski pulled herself together. "Sorry," she said at last in a groggy voice," I didn't mean to get so worked up. I just needed to get that out of my system, I guess."
They looked at each other, sharing a million conversations without saying a word.
Finally, Nirvana seemed to remember something, and gave Kochanski a curious look. "What did you say the name of your ship was?"
"Red Dwarf. And you want to know what else? The crew of the same ship in this dimension rescued me. Every day I had to look at different versions of the same people I knew. Even Dave was different." She stared into space as she remembered. "Still sweet in his own way, but so different from my own."
"You said you were rescued by the crew of the Red Dwarf from this universe?" Her heart leapt as Kochanski nodded. "Please, you have to tell me--was Arnie there?"
"Arnie--?" She thought a moment. "Oh, you mean Rimmer?"
"Yes, was he there?"
"No, he wasn't."
"Well where is he? Do you know?"
"Well no, I--"
"PLEASE, you HAVE to know!"
Kochanski suddenly realized what Nirvana was getting at. "The technician. It was Rimmer, wasn't it."
"Yes. He tried to become part of the Enlightenment crew, but he had to take the challenge and face a crew member, the winner of which would take on the loser's energy to generate themselves. I was the one that Stocky chose, only Arnie didn't know that. After I found out how much he wanted to succeed, how desperately he wanted to do something with his life, I decided to withdraw and let him win."
"You gave up your existence--for Rimmer?!"
She nodded. "He was so wonderfully different from everyone else. All he wanted was to get a chance to be somebody for once. I couldn't deny him that. I would have done anything for him." She noticed a message waiting for her on the consol, but she pressed erase right away. She knew what it was, and she certainly didn't need Jason's snickering right now. She turned back to Kochanski. "I didn't care what happened to me, so I allowed myself to be terminated. Then suddenly I was back. Arnie was gone; he had chosen to let me live instead of fulfilling his dream. All he left me was a note." She gestured to where it lay on the table. "It's all I've got left besides the memories."
Kochanski was speechless. She was both proud and amazed at Rimmer. She looked back at Nirvana and was met with a pair of hopeful eyes.
"Please, tell me where he is."
"Nirvana, I'm sorry, I don't really know. All Lister ever said about him was that he was gone and wasn't coming back." Her heart broke as she watched Nirvana's face drop. Poor thing. "I'm sure he's not dead," she said right away, "I'll bet he just went exploring or something."
Nirvana hardly heard her. She was too busy listening to her world collapsing. She looked at her consol; the light was blinking, indicating another message was waiting. The grief and shock were almost too much to bear, and right now, she was beginning to welcome the idea of getting her memory erased.
That's when the blast hit the ship.
"So what are you sayin' to me, Rimmer? She gave up everything--for YOU?"
"Everything. Her career, her accomplishments-her very existence!--everything, just so I could be happy. No one had ever done something like that for me before." He looked straight at Lister. "She actually cared. For the first time ever, someone actually cared."
"So you gave up your position there so that she could be reactivated, right?"
"I never would have been able to live with myself if I hadn't."
"Wait a minute. What about your deep belief that no one in the universe would ever choose love over a career opportunity? I thought you swore by that."
"I guess I was wrong." He looked down. "At least in this case I was."
"And you haven't seen or heard from her since?"
Rimmer shook his head.
"Wow."
Rimmer got up to leave. "I'd better check on A.J. Make sure that idiot droid hasn't messed it up." He started for the door.
"Erm, one more thing, before y'go."
He turned around to see Lister sporting a sly grin. "What's that?"
"You said you were a success as Ace, right?" Rimmer nodded. "Well I was just wondering uh, were you a complete success...y'know?"
Rimmer answered with his own sly grin. "Let's just say this, Listy. There's a lot more hashmarks on the old score card now."
Lister paused for a moment after Rimmer left, then slowly followed him out the door. Since I'm going to the medi-unit anyway, he thought, maybe I can get my head examined.