Disclaimer: I still don't own Red Dwarf or any of its characters.
Chapter Fourteen
Kryten's neck hinges had begun to steam from stress. He felt like he was needed in one hundred different places at the same time. Mr. Rimmer was back and need attention, the rest of the crew would need support, there was a sick man in the medi-unit, the skutters were in the middle of their negotiations, and worst of all, the laundry still wasn't finished. He simply didn't know where to begin.
Passing a porthole, he saw the brilliant yellow message that still shone outside. "This is a distraction," he read aloud. "Well that's just great. Like I don't have enough to worry about as it is, now someone is trying to distract me! I'm sorry, I simply don't have time for this."
He marched down the hallway and almost ran over Lister as he went into the next corridor.
"Where's the fire, Kryts?"
"Sorry sir, I almost didn't see you there."
"It's all right. I'm just on my way to the medi-unit."
Kryten walked with him. "Is everything ok, sir?"
"Yeah. No." He looked absently down the corridor.
"Still thinking about Ms. Kochanski?"
"Well yeah, but that's not what's botherin' me. It's Rimmer."
"Yes, the news took me by surprise as well, sir."
"Yeah, but I've known all this time. I was fine with it before, but seein' him here now..."
"I know. Part of me wants to congratulate him and the other wants to disassemble myself just for thinking such a thing. It's all very strange, sir, and it will take some getting used to."
"Kryten, what's wrong with me? I should be happy for him I suppose, but it's all so WEIRD. I mean, this is Rimmer we're talking about here, the man who's pictured next to the word smeghead in the dictionary. Is this real or is it all a big lie? I don't know! It seems real enough; I just don't know if I can accept it."
Suddenly Rimmer shot out of the medi-unit up ahead. "C'mon, Holly says we're getting a distress call."
They ran to the science room, picking up Cat along the way. Holly was waiting for them when they arrived.
"Hol, what's this about a distress call?"
"Just a mo'. Puttin' it onscreen."
Static filled the monitor as the message tired to break through, but the signal was either too weak to be received properly or else something was jamming it. Once in a while a voice could be heard, but it kept getting cut off.
"Try and clear it up, Holly," Lister said.
"Oh yeah, like THAT never crossed my mind." He paused as he ran through some adjustments. "Here, let's give this a try."
Visual was still rather vague, but at least audio was working now. A calm and clear voice filled the room.
"...under attack. We are asking for help from any ship nearby."
Some muffled voices filled in the background, and another voice took over. "No, we don't need any help. Sorry for bothering you, we're fine."
"Yes we do!" The first voice again. "Now will you kindly back off so I can place this distress call?"
Lister opened his mouth to reply but Rimmer beat him to it. "This is the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf responding to your distress call. Please explain the situation."
A muffled groan could be heard in the background as a light thunk! echoed in the microphone. They all looked at each other, wondering what was going on. Suddenly a third voice spoke up.
"Lister? Can you hear me?"
He could hardly believe his ears. "Kris?! Is that you?"
"Yeah it's me! Thank God someone heard us."
Kryten's neck hinges had reached their boiling point. "Ah, the icing on the proverbial cake."
Lister ignored him. "Where are you? What's goin' on?"
"I'm onboard the Enlightenment--" she paused, "coordinates have just been sent. We're under attack, you've got to help us. We don't have much longer--"
"We do NOT need any assistance from you. Everything's under control." The second voice again, this time sounding like he would lose his patience any moment now. "Forget you ever heard this."
The first voice cut him off. "Jason, get out of the way. We do need help and we need it now."
The second voice shouted something in the background but the first voice continued. "Sorry, he's been jamming the signal. Just a sec."
The static managed to piece itself together and a picture finally came into view. Four pairs of eyes widened as they caught sight of each other.
"Kris!" "Nirvana?" "Hi Lister." "...Arnie?"
All fell into an uncomfortable silence as they let their eyes do the talking. Cat looked up from his mirror when he realized that no one was saying anything.
"Hey, officer BB! What are you doin' back here?"
Kryten turned to the wall. "Leaving soon, I hope."
"It's nice to see you too, Kryten," she said. He shuddered. He wasn't sure if he had wanted her to hear that or not.
She looked away and noticed Rimmer for the first time. "Rimmer is that you? When did your hair get so long?"
"No this is Ace," Lister said before anyone else could reply. "He's another Rimmer from a different dimension."
Rimmer somehow tore his eyes away from Nirvana's and cleared his throat. "Right, so what's the problem?"
"We're under attack by an unknown enemy," Nirvana replied. She continued to study Rimmer's face as she talked. "They have some sort of cloaking device and have locked us out of our main controls. Right now they're using various frequencies and wave patterns to distort our generator."
Another blast hit the ship, frazzling the image for a second before it managed to restore itself. Kochanski jumped in. "Lister, I don't mean to sound impatient, but if the generator gets hit hard enough, the hard-light drive could fail, and I really don't want to find out what's it like to die floating helplessly in space."
Rimmer flashed a confident smile. "We'll be right there. Till then, hang tight and try not to worry. Help is on the way." His stomach turned like it always did before he said it: "Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."
The image flickered off and Rimmer turned and ran down the hall. The others all gave each other confused looks, then ran off after him.
"Rimmer, will you wait up?"
Rimmer skidded to a stop. "Sorry, I'm just used to working alone. Now listen up, I've got a plan."
"If it involves runnin' away and hiding, Rimmer, forget it. They need help out there."
Rimmer gave him an incredulous look. "Lister, why in the world would I say something like that? Of course we're going to help them!"
"But sir, shouldn't we try and find out more about the people that are attacking the ship?"
"No need Kryten, I already know."
"You do? Then who is it?"
He sighed. "Timlars."