NOT ALONE
This is my own little episode addition to "Night", and a
version of it was entered in the Koffee Klub Picnic Prose Prize contest under
another pseudonym. It is my first
completed work of fanfiction, so any feedback is welcome.
It started as a
comforting hug. She looked almost as
surprised as I was when the hot, wet tears began to fall, warming my shirt with
her sadness. It was the first time that
I had ever seen her look so…fragile. Small even. I mean, I was always aware of her diminutive stature, but she had
such an aura to her that she always appeared larger than life. Physically I may have towered over her, yet
it never really seemed that way.
But as I held
her in my arms, her face pressed against my chest, I got a rare glimpse of the
human being behind the iron mask of command.
There was only so long that those slender shoulders could bear the
strain and responsibility before they cramped under the pressure. Over the years I had tried to alleviate some
of that tension, but deep down I knew that it would only be a matter of
time. Maybe being trapped in this
damned nothingness exacerbated it, but it has been an inevitability for a long
time now. When I saw her shrouded in
the darkness, withering under self-doubt and depression, I knew that it could
no longer be avoided. So I stood,
listening to her berate herself and command decisions that she has made over
the past few years that we have been stranded so far away from home, until no
other words came. We stood there in
silence, until I cleared my voice and decided to speak.
"Kathryn. No matter what you may think of yourself
right now, know this: there is no one, and I mean no one that I respect more
that I do you. You have faced so many
difficult situations with more dignity and grace that I would have thought
humanly possible, even if right now you don't think so." I paused and looked at
her standing before me, a slight tremble in her usually unwavering stance. I took a step closer and said in a quiet
voice; "I'm not going to let you go through with this one alone."
It was then that
I advanced, and tentatively put my arms around her. At first it was slightly
awkward, neither of us used to being so close to one another, but then
tentative hands moved slowly to stretch themselves around my waist, while mine
stayed firmly around her shoulders.
It was then that
the tears came.
The appeared so
silently that I didn't even know of their existence until I felt the hot
dampness through my uniform. Like I
said, she looked almost as surprised as I did when I brought my fingers to
gently stroke the salty wetness from her soft, downy cheek
"I don't
know…why……" She tried to articulate emotion into words but when she could not
she fell silent. I did the only thing that I could. I delicately gathered her
more securely in my arms and then brought my lips down close to her ear and
whispered in a soft voice:
"Everything is
going to be alright."
Her legs then
weakened and, with my support, we sank to the floor as one, her wet, almost
feverish face still pressed against my chest.
Silence permeated the dark room, the only audible sounds being the ever
present hum of the ship's engines and our ragged breathing as we huddled together
on the floor, wrapped in each other's arms.
The pregnant pause was finally broken when I felt the movement of soft
lips through my uniform and heard an impossibly tiny voice.
"Tighter."
The words
sounded more like they came from a frightened child rather than the woman who I've
seen stand so strong and proud in the face of so many adversaries. Not quite understanding what she meant, I
cocked my head and uttered a very quiet, questioning sound. She looked up at me with tearstained eyes,
glistening bright in the pale lighting from the viewport.
"Hold me
tighter."
Somewhat
confused, I complied. I collected her
more fully in my arms, until I had her cradled almost as I would an infant. She
felt as fragile as a wounded bird in my embrace, and I got the impression that
if I clutched onto her too tightly she would shatter. Conscious of this, I only pressed her gently towards me. Then I heard the same small voice, slightly
more muffled than before.
"Tighter."
Still very much
aware of her small frame, I pressed her more forcefully into my arms, and she
in turn clutched me solidly around my waist, as if she were clinging to her own
dear life. Her nails were digging
sharply into my back, but I wouldn't dare complain. Her chest rose and fell against me, and then, I felt a vibration
and heard the now barely audible voice once more.
"Tighter."
Not knowing what
else to do, I crushed her against me with such force that I was afraid that I
may have actually broken her. It was
only in that bone-crushing embrace that I felt the first, wracking sob. And then another, and another, until her
body was heaving clutched tightly into mine.
To this date I
think that the muted sound of those anguished sobs were the most horrible and
gut-wrenching sounds that I had ever heard in my life. This is coming from a
man who has personally witnessed many deaths both in battle and as a result of
torture. Still, nothing made my heart
ache like the sound of Kathryn Janeway weeping in my arms.
So I did the
only thing that I could. As my heart
broke, I rocked her slight form like one would a child, and murmured soothing,
comforting words into her disheveled auburn hair. Telling her how much she
meant to the crew. To me.
How long we
stayed like that in a crumpled heap on her grey, Starfleet issue carpet I will
never know. It is funny how sometimes
time seems to creep by. Seconds,
minutes, days, years…it all slipped by un-noticed and un-cared. Gradually, the once bone-crushing embrace
had become looser, and I had absentmindedly began to stroke her hair, and her
arm, as her head rested against me, no longer pressed tightly into my chest but
rather turned on it's side. The sobs
had ended, and her breath came raspy and uneven. I don't know exactly how what happened next came to be, but I do
know that it will forever be one of the most poignant moments of my life.
Slowly her head
rose, and red-rimmed, blue-grey eyes met mine.
These eyes were so familiar to me, but at that moment I saw something
that I had never before. Loneliness,
despair…and desire. I continued to gaze
into those deep pools, not knowing if what I was seeing was real or if it was
just wishful thinking on my part, or exhaustion on hers. When soft lips rose to meet mine, all doubt
of her intentions fled.
It was not a
kiss really. More of a gentle brush
that only lasted a second or two, but still managed to make my breath catch in
my throat. Finally, after waiting so
long and pretty much resigning myself to the fact that it wouldn't happen, I
had Kathryn Janeway in my arms and we had shared a kiss (well, close enough to
one anyway)…and I couldn't let things go any further. As much as I wanted it to happen, I knew that if I were to let it
I would be taking advantage of her mental state, and I loved her too much to do
that to her. No, it had to end right
there, before things got out of hand.
I opened my
mouth, with full intentions of telling her that she was upset and wasn't
thinking clearly, but I slim, pale finger was placed upon it before any sound
was made. Shaking, it was then removed
and I stared once again into the face of the woman before me. Hair, usually in impeccable order, was
tousled and limp about a face that was almost unearthly pale in the dim
illumination. Tear-stained, red-rimmed
eyes, slightly puffy from crying and lack of sleep, were locked onto mine, and
I knew right then and there that there was no going back.
Slowly, those
lovely, yielding lips rose to meet mine again, but this time it could definitely
be classified as a kiss. Our lips moved
against each other in agonizing slowness, as if each of us were afraid that if
we moved too quickly or too suddenly the other would disappear. By the time that I felt the gentle probing
of her tongue, I was trembling so hard that I could barely remove my uniform
jacket. At that point all I wanted more
than anything was to feel her body against mine without the disruption of
clothing. I think that somehow she
understood, or was feeling the same need, because as I was struggling with
clumsy hands to remove my uniform, in a few deliberate, fluid motions she was
naked before me. Now it was my turn to
cry. Before I could help myself a lone,
salty tear made a lazy zigzag down my face, for I didn't think I had ever seen
anything as beautiful as she was that day, tearstained and naked before me,
wanting me as much as I wanted her.
Hell, even now I still don't think anything can match the exquisite
beauty of her on that very moment.
Slowly, her
index finger rose to tenderly trace the trajectory of the tear, caressing my
face with slow, deliberate movements. It was then that I gently lowered her to
the floor, my eyes never leaving hers.
The moment our bare bodies pressed against each other for the first time
was so electric, I'm sure that if it were possible to fuel starships on that
sort of power we would have been home in an instant. We fit so perfectly together, like linking pieces in a puzzle,
that I'm positive that our bodies were literally made for each other. We were MADE to love each other.
We moved against
each other in silence, both of us fearing that if we spoke we would somehow
break the hypnotic spell that had been cast upon us. Even as I felt her climax around me, the only perceptible sounds
were her frantic breaths mingling with mine as our bodies moved in a gentle
rhythm. It was not the frantic,
ravishing of bodies that one reads about, but it was ten times more intimate
than that sort of thing could ever be.
When I finished I collapsed, spent above her, until the sounds of our
own breathing lulled us both to sleep.
***********************************
When I awoke
some time later, I was surprised to find myself in bed. Her bed. Then I remembered that in some point after
our first lovemaking we had ambled our way into her sleeping area before we
drew each other close once more. But,
when I reached my arm over to seek out her sleeping form all I found were cold,
empty sheets, her scent lingering in the air.
At her absence, my stomach dropped.
I sat up slowly,
and carefully swung my legs around so I was sitting on the edge of the
bed. When I slowly raised my head, I
caught my reflection in the smooth glass of the viewport. Dark eyes peered back at me, along with a
mouth like a closed fist. Oh god, I
thought, what had I done?
Did I take
advantage of her delicate state of mind? Did she wake up and realize what she
had done, we had done, and felt so uncomfortable that she had to leave? What are we-
At that moment
my thoughts were interrupted by a soft noise from across the room. Seconds later, an ivory arm snaked across my
bronze skin and I felt her naked front pressing against my solid back. Suddenly, the reflection in the glass
changed and it was no longer a man alone in trepidation, but a man and woman,
arms wrapped around each other. Happy.
Satiated. Complete.
As I reflect
now, that morning seems like a lifetime ago.
Yet, I still reminisce about that very moment and wish that I had
somehow managed to capture that image in something more than my mind. It was
then, as her face tentatively smiled from behind my shoulder, that I knew that
we could face anything as long as we had each other. We were no longer alone.
Hell, even our
return to Earth cannot even begin to compete with the joy I experienced when
Kathryn Janeway finally opened herself completely and fully to me, and allowed
me to love her. Allowed herself to love me.
Only the birth of my daughter during one of the worst storms that
Indiana has ever seen is the lone thing that comes close matching those
moments, but that is another story to be told at another time and in another
place…….
FIN
