Haruka=Amara/Sailor Uranus; Michiru=Michelle/Sailor Neptune; Ami=Amy/Sailor Mercury; Usagi=Serena/Sailor Moon; Setsuna=Trista/Sailor Pluto
Good-Bye, Marine Cathedral By Cassandra
Michiru Kaioh died a year ago today.
I sit by the window in my apartment and gaze at the world. My eyes feel dead and soulless as I survey the people of the city below, going about their business in the streets and sidewalks. Pedestrians weave their way in and out of doors, dodging cars and bicycles. A happy couple on a motorcycle passes by, and I feel my throat clench.
A few soft, gleaming white clouds drift aimlessly through the sky. Off in the distance, the vast, piercing blue expanse of the sea stretches to the horizon, glittering. Its aqua shine reminds me of her dazzling eyes. My throat tightens even more, but I won't let myself cry. She alone had the privilege, the right to see my tears. I won't betray her by letting anyone else see them, not even the silent wind, not even my reflection in the window.
I fix my gaze on the water. Ever since she died, it's been taunting me. She loved it so much. When she swam, she was at home in the water. Even when calling on its power in battle as a Sailor Senshi, she looked so regal, so graceful. It was magnificent to watch.
I used to dream that she was a mermaid with a shimmering tail the color of her hair, and she lived in the sea. In my dreams, I was the fierce wind stopping only for her, and she would rise to the surface of the ocean to meet me, her lover.
"We meet again, beautiful nereid, daughter of the sea."
"Yes; now caress me, flying wind, in you strong embrace."
And so I would, and I would hold her tight and listen to her sweet laugh, until she returned to her home in the aquatic depths. And then I would awaken, and later she would greet me.
"Good morning, Haruka."
I can still hear her voice, saying my name; hear her flowing laugh, like a spring, or a brook. It was a wonderful sound, hearing her say my name laughingly, or chidingly, or sadly, or lovingly. I loved her voice.
I loved everything that was her. I loved her body, with sweet, smooth skin and her full, feminine curves. I loved her silky hair cascading over her shoulders; her luminous eyes framed by long, enticing lashes, her soft, lovely lips, her gentle smile.
I loved when she played the violin. She would seem to glow with an inner light, and go into a sort of trance. Then her seemingly delicate yet strong fingers would work their magic and breathe life into the music. She poured her soul into it, and it always cast a spell on its audience.
When she finished playing, she would have a quietly radiant smile on her face, like she had seen something beyond this mortal world, something divine, angelic. She was a divine angel herself. I told her this once, and she laughed and said if that was true, then she was my angel.
"I'm your angel, Haruka."
"Michiru, you're my everything."
And one year ago, she died.
My eyes are starting to burn. Stop this, I yell in my mind. Stop! Why are you doing this to yourself?
But I can't stop myself. All I can do is clutch myself tightly as the painful memories unfold, pouring themselves into my mind like poison. I still won't unveil my tears to the emptiness.
I was working on my math homework when I heard the news. I remember every detail of the moment the phone rang—how I was wearing a white tank top that needed to be washed and jeans with a rip on the right knee and a coffee stain on my left thigh; how I was working out Problem Twenty-Three out of a total of thirty problems; how my spiral notebook was blue and I had doodled stars in the margins; how the sneakers I was wearing were so old they were practically falling apart, and how I was planning to buy new ones soon; how I was glad for a distraction when the phone rang.
Then my world fell apart.
Ami's mother was calling, saying Michiru was in the hospital. A drunk driver had hit her on her way home. She started to say more, but I had dropped the phone in shock, and the next thing I knew I was out the door, running crazily down the stairs, to the street, on my bike, racing toward the hospital, running to the emergency room.
The attendant told me I couldn't see her, visitors weren't allowed in the emergency room. I told her she could go to hell, no one was going to stop me from seeing my Michiru. Some people tried to force me to stay in the waiting room. I don't remember what I did to them, I wasn't thinking clearly, I just remember that somehow I got past them and made it to her.
The room was filled with grim faced doctors and nurses, but I only saw Michiru, lying pale on the bed, bleeding, breathing raggedly, connected to wires and tubes. In an instant, I was at her side. Her eyes were closed, but they opened when I arrived. She spoke to me, and even as I tried to stay strong, I could feel the tears threatening to overwhelm me, the way I was already overwhelmed with her beauty, her wounds, the soft, melodious murmuring of her voice.
"Haruka."
"Michiru, don't talk. Save your strength!"
"Haruka, you came. I knew you'd come."
"I'll always come."
"You're so beautiful."
"You're the beautiful one."
"No,
you're beautiful too, and so strong."
"I'm nothing compared to
you."
"You're incredible, Haruka. You are everything to me. You are the strong wind that sweeps me off my feet. You are my Marine Cathedral, my beautiful violin. You are my guardian Senshi of Uranus. You are my lover and beloved. You are mine."
"Yes, I am yours. I need you, Michiru. I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Don't leave me."
"I would never leave you."
And then I looked into her eyes, and saw my mermaid goddess, sea princess of Neptune, ocean warrior, divine violin angel, aqua lover. I saw myself, reflected in those morning-dew orbs. I saw us, together as one.
I wanted to tell her what she meant to me, who she was to me, how much I loved her, but all I could get out was her name. It must have been enough, because she spoke again.
"Michiru…"
"It's okay, Haruka. I know. It's the same for me."
She breathed in sharply, and winced. I asked unnecessarily if she was in pain, and she said not to worry about her. She gasped in shock, her eyes wide and focused above my head. I looked up, and saw her Sailor Power Guardian hovering there like a beautiful sea nymph fairy. She smiled warmly, gently, sympathetically, and my heart sank with despair.
Michiru looked at me again, and smiled sadly. An ethereal aura of blue surrounded her.
"Good-bye, my Haruka."
And even though she didn't move, for an instant I felt her lips on mine, warm and soft and tender, and I looked at the bed. Her eyes were closed; her chest had stopped rising and falling; the aura had faded; her Sailor Power Guardian was gone, taking Michiru with her.
The doctors and nurses were pushing me away; had they been there all the time? I couldn't be sure. In a trance, I walked out of there, out of the emergency room and waiting room and the smell, the air of death. I walked into fading sunlight, and under a dimming pink and orange sky, I rode my motorcycle home.
I walked up the stairs, very slowly, to my apartment. When I got there, I closed the door and stood very still for a moment. The only sounds were the faint whisper of the wind and the dull pounding of my heart. All of a sudden, the emptiness was choking me and I couldn't stand it; I let out a primitive, wordless howl, and the tears were like waterfalls down my cheeks, and I collapsed to the floor, sobbing.
Eventually, I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, it was morning. My body was stiff and sore from sleeping on the floor, but I barely noticed it. All I could think about was Michiru being gone. It was like I had a hole in heart that I kept falling into.
But I didn't cry anymore. Even at her funeral, I didn't cry. I was probably the only one. I saw Setsuna there, holding Hotaru tight. She noticed me, and her garnet eyes met mine, asking me silently to come join them.
"Come with us. Be our family again, the way we were before. Let's go through this together."
I shook my head. I didn't want to be a family without Michiru. I didn't want to be anything without Michiru.
Later, someone decided all Michiru's possessions would go to her parents. They didn't know about her mirror. I kept it, as I would have even if they had known about it. It's shown nothing but blank darkness since she died. I kept the Stradivarius, too. They were going to sell it, since neither of them plays, but I asked them to let me have it, even offered to pay as much as possible.
Perhaps they sensed my bond with Michiru had been stronger than they could know. Perhaps they saw the desperation in my eyes, or heard it in my voice. Or maybe they were simply too tired from grief to argue. Either way, they let me have the violin for nothing.
Now the Marine Cathedral sits silent in its case on my desk. It is dead like the mirror beside it that reflects on an empty void, dead like the beautiful angel that gave life to them both, dead like the wind in space.
Sometimes I hate Usagi. Because of her, Michiru suffered more than she deserved. There were times I wanted to drive my sword through her heart and pierce her soul, the way being a Sailor Senshi had done to Michiru so many times.
Usagi and the others tried to comfort me after Michiru's death. They would come and knock on my door, and ask to come in. I never said a word, just stayed in my apartment until they left. I didn't want to see anybody. The only thing keeping me alive was that Michiru would never want me to give in.
I turn my head from the window, and my gaze falls on the violin case on my desk. I get up and walk to it, still fighting to control my tears. With trembling fingers, I open it slowly, revealing the gleaming, polished wood and the fine strings. I don't dare touch it.
"You are my Marine Cathedral, my beautiful violin."
"You and I have a lot in common," I say to the violin, my voice hoarse. "She loved and gave life to both of us. And when she left, we both stayed here to lie dormant. And she thought we were both beautiful."
I laugh unsmilingly. Talking to a violin? You've really lost it, Haruka. I stare at the violin for a moment, and then am suddenly filled with a desire to hear her again. I search frantically through disorganized shelves and drawers until I find her last CD and put it into the CD player. I fast forward to track eight, which was my favorite. Taking the mirror in my clammy hands, I close my eyes and let the music fill me.
The first noted are tremulous, unsure of themselves, then gain confidence and grow into a sweet rhapsody. Slowly, a tear wells up in my eye, presses through my lashes, slides down my face. Another follows reluctantly. Little by little, I let go of my tears, releasing them until they're a torrent of salty grief, and then they diminish to a stream of sorrow, and finally stop.
I open my eyes and look at the mirror. The tears have fallen on its empty surface. As I wipe them off, they wash away the darkness, revealing Michiru with her smile, Sailor Neptune, Sailor Uranus, and at last Haruka. Me.
I smile, breaking the last of my mask. In my reflection, I can still see the sadness in my eyes, but I can also see the hope in my smile.
I will continue living and not let myself be held back by the past, but let it strengthen me. I will smile and cry freely. For Michiru, and for myself.
I look out my window. The sea is sparkling, beautiful and serene. I blow a kiss to it. Soon, I will ride out to it on my motorcycle, or perhaps the Tenohmaru, flying alone but content. Now, I silently say my last farewell.
"Good-bye, Michiru, my love."
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Notes: Okay, that was my first Sailor Moon fic, so what did everyone think! You can (and hopefully will^_~) send your feedback to me at romancherubx@aol.com! PLEASE send me feedback, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
Things that might confuse you if you've never read the manga:
The Marine Cathedral is Michiru's Stradivarius violin, and it's worth four million dollars. Wow….The Sailor Power Guardian looks like a miniature version of Sailor Neptune (in this case)..I'm actually not sure what they do^.^; In the manga, when Michiru and Haruka went off to raise Hotaru, Setsuna went with them. And finally, the Tenohmaru is Haruka's beloved helicopter.
Disclaimer: As stated before, I very sadly do not own Sailor Moon or any of the characters, they belong to Naoko Takeuchi.