Disclaimer: Nope, I still don't own 'em.
Author's notes: This is the actual conclusion of the Raoul/Carlotta series. I'm afraid Erik and Christine aren't in this one, sorry. If, after hearing this, you still want to read the story; go right ahead.
(Raoul, of course, has not yet figured out that he is dead. The fact that he is suddenly jerked into Hell shocks him terribly.)
Raoul: What am I doing here?
Mystery person in chair: (deep, spooky voice) You're dead, obviously.
Raoul: Why am I dead?
Mpic: Because you're not alive.
Raoul: I mean, how did I die?
Mpic: Take a look. (shows him a video of his wedding night)
Raoul: (feminine voice) Ewwww, how gross.
Mpic: Well, now that we've brought your little mind up to speed, Welcome to Hell.
Raoul: WHAT?!
Mpic: Hell, you know, eternal torment?
Raoul: I know that, but I don't belong here.
Mpic: That's what they all say.
Raoul: (jumping up and down, hysterical) But I don't, I tell you! I'm a Chagny, our family doesn't go to Hell!
Mpic: That's what you think. All right Mr. Prissy pants , I'll give you five minutes to prove you don't belong here. (quietly) This oughta be good.
Raoul: Well, when I was born I was such a cute angelic baby, my mother said "He'll go to Heaven for sure". I had the cutest little bottom, I still do actually...
Mpic: Stop! I don't want here about your "cute little bottom", I just ate!
Raoul: Very well, moving on, I've never done anything wrong in my life.
Mpic: Oh really?
Raoul: Well, once when I was eight I got mad at my brother and kicked him somewhere I shouldn't have. He had a funny squeaky voice for a while after.
Mpic: Is that the only bad thing you ever did?
Raoul: (uncomfortably) Yes...
Mpic: You're lying.
Raoul: I only wore Christine's clothes as a joke! I didn't know the managers would try to get me drunk! (shudders)
Mpic: Oh yes, I remember that amusing episode. My favorite part is when you were running down the hall screaming that they were trying to touch your... how did you say it? (thinks) Now, I remember "adorable bum".
Raoul: I was never unfaithful to my wife.
Mpic: That's because you died. Any idiot could tell you intended to be.
Raoul: (desperate) I'm not a bad person!
Mpic: So you never tried to steal anything from anyone?
Raoul: No.
Mpic: Never?
Raoul: Never.
Mpic: What about Christine?
Raoul: What about her?
Mpic: Didn't you try to steal her from Erik?
Raoul: I tried to rescue her from that monster. Is that what you're talking about?
Mpic: Use of the word "monster" in relation to Erik isn't helping your case.
Raoul: (pea-brain suddenly becoming suspicious) Who are you?
Mpic: (turns chair around to reveal... the Author holding one of those voice changer things)
Raoul: (frightened) You again?
Author: (normal voice) Hey, a girl needs a part-time job.
Raoul: You're the devil?
Author: As far as you are concerned, yes.
(Raoul is on the edge of a nervous breakdown.)
Author: (happily) Time to begin your punishment!
( Off to the side a door opens and Carlotta walks out. Raoul looks pleadingly at the Author.)
Raoul: Anything but that! Please just flay my skin off or put me on the rack!
Author: Don't worry, that's not the real Carlotta. This one is just a clone who'll you follow you around all day singing.
Raoul: That's bad enough! Can't I have some earplugs?
Author: Sorry, I'm using the only pair. Look on the bright side, she won't try to get you into bed.
Raoul: (sighs) That's a relief
Author: No, the real punishment starts when the real Carlotta dies. Then you'll have two of your lovely wife forever and ever. ( laughs maniacally)
Raoul: (pushed over the edge of the nervous breakdown) Baa! Baa! I'm a pretty little sheep. Baa... (howls) I'm going to get you sheep. I'm the big bad wolf! (starts to run around in circles alternately bleating and howling)
Author: (laughing) Just think what he'd have done if I'd have told him the real Carlotta was on her way down right now! (Laughs even harder, falls out of the chair) Ow!