Severus Snape and the Bathtub of Secrets
By MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey
[MeatLoaf's Note: This story is about Professor McGonagall teaching Snape to be a groovy, peace-loving hippie. Since I am having trouble uploading chapters, I have compiled it all into one file.]
Chapter 1: McGonagall a Hippie?
One dark night in the middle of November, under the dim light of a few candles, Harry, Ron and Hermione were concocting a potion in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. They had been working on it for several days and now it was almost complete. Hermione was stirring the potion while Ron was reading her the ingredients out of a small, lime-green book. After Ron said the ingredient's name, Harry would drop it in.
"What's the next ingredient?" asked Hermione as she stirred the potion with a large wooden spoon.
Ron scanned the page of the potion book for a few seconds and then said "One tied-dyed piece of cloth."
Harry reached into a big brown bag and pulled out the piece of cloth. Then he dropped it in the toilet where the potion was being made.
"That was the last ingredient! We're finally finished! Now all we have to do is pour the potion into a glass and give it to Snape. Then he'll turn into a peace-loving hippie and he'll never bother us again!" said Ron happily.
"But there's only one problem." Said Harry, "How are we going to get Snape to drink this? He hates us more than anyone! Why would he drink a potion from us?"
Nobody had an answer to that one.
"I knew something would go wrong!" said Hermione.
"Maybe I could tell Lockhart to give it to Snape." Suggested Harry. "He might drink something that another teacher gave him."
"Harry," said Hermione. "We all know Lockhart is pretty stupid, but do you really think he'll do something like that?"
"He seems to like me. I bet I could convince him somehow." Said Harry.
" I'm not sure about this." said Hermione.
"It's worth a try. Harry could tell Lockhart that it's grape juice or something." Said Ron.
"Well, ok." Said Hermione, "Ron and I will go back to the common room while you go give the potion to Lockhart. But if you get detention from wandering around in the middle of the night, don't blame me."
"Don't worry." Said Harry.
Hermione handed Harry the glass full of the potion and she picked up the cauldron which held the rest of the potion. Ron closed the book and then the group left Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
Ron and Hermione went straight to the Gryffindor common room, but Harry set out to look for Lockhart. He nervously looked around each corner before going on to the next corridor. Since Ron and Hermione had taken the invisibility cloak with them, Harry had to take great care in not being seen.
After walking along for about 10 minutes, Harry began to have second thoughts.
"What am I going to tell Lockhart when I find him?" thought Harry, "What if he doesn't give the potion to Snape? What if he drinks it himself? What if he finds out that were trying to turn Snape into a hippie? What if I get expelled?"
Harry stopped to consider going back to the common room and trying to give the potion to Lockhart tomorrow when Harry heard footsteps coming.
"Oh no!" whispered Harry as he ran down the hallway. But he was too late. Professor McGonagall had already spotted him.
"Potter!" yelled McGonagall as she ran up to him. "What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?
"I.uh.." said Harry.
"What is that you're holding? It looks like grape juice! Why on earth are you wandering the halls in the middle of the night carrying grape juice? I'm sorry Potter but I'll have to give you detention for this. Really, I would have expected better from you.
"But I need to give this grape juice to Professor Lockhart!" said Harry as he held up the glass.
"I'm sure Professor Lockhart does not need any grape juice." Said Professor McGonagall as she grabbed the potion out of Harry's hands. "But I'm sort of thirsty. And I do like grape juice, I think I'll drink it."
"No! Don't!" yelled Harry.
By the time he finished saying this, Professor McGonagall had drank the whole glass. A few seconds afterward, her black hair grew down to her ankles and now had purple highlights. Now she was wearing a tie-dyed hippie shirt and bell bottom jeans covered in smiley face iron-ons. She had a purple band around her head and she had beads all over her brown vest. She also had a huge, golden peace-sign necklace.
"Dude, that was groovy, man." Said Professor McGonagall.
"P-p-professor? That potion must have changed you into a."
"Hey, change comes from within, man." Said McGonagall.
"But that potion was supposed to be for Snape! Not you! What am I going to do? I'm going to be in so much trouble for this!" said Harry angrily.
"Don't worry little dude. Just chill out and everything will be groovy. Okies?" said McGonagall.
"But Professor-" said Harry.
"Dude, call me Minerva."
"Ok, Minerva, Maybe we should go get Dumbledore. He'll know how to change you back." Said Harry.
"That old fat guy? I thought he was dead. And little Dude, I thought I already told you that change comes from within, man." Said Minerva.
"Right." Said Harry uneasily, "On second thought, maybe I should just go back to the common room and let you deal with this little problem, ok?"
Before she could answer, Snape came walking down the hall.
"Potter! What are you doing here? 10 points form Gryffindor! Students should not be roaming the halls at night!" said Snape. But then he noticed Professor McGonagall.
"Aaahh! McGonagall! What happened to you! I bet Potter did this!"
"Dude! Like, chill out man! Like, Harry was just, like, going to, like, give some grape juice to, like, Lockhart, you know? And I, like, saw him, you know? And I was like, 'Harry! Where're you going with that grape juice!' and he's like, 'I'm, like, going to give it to Lockhart!' and I'm like, 'Can I have it?' and he's like, 'ok' so I, like, drank it." Said Minerva.
"What? Th-this doesn't make any sense? Why would Potter want to turn you into a.a.a hippie?" asked Snape in a loud voice.
"Dude, beats me. Maybe he's got some, like, some personal issues or something." Said Minerva.
"Don't worry Professor. I'll take you to Dumbledore as soon as I'm finished with Harry. Potter!" said Snape as he turned around and faced Harry, "50 points from Gryffindor and you have detention for a month!"
"DUDE!" yelled Minerva, "You have problems, man! You don't have to be all evil to him! He hardly even, like, did anything, man!"
"Of course he did something! He turned you into a hippie and he deserves detention for month, at the very least!" said Snape furiously.
"Dude! You're so evil, man! You should, like, chill out, man! That's why I don't like you! You're all evil to all the students." Said Minerva.
While this was going on, Harry was slowly sneaking away. Step by step, he was quietly edging towards the next hallway. After about a minute, he reached it and ran back to the Gryffindor common room.
"Well, If the students didn't hate me so much, maybe I'd be nicer to them." Said Snape.
"They're not going to be nicer to you if you keep yelling at them like you just did to Harry."
"Speaking of Harry, where is that little brat?" said Snape as he looked around him.
"Dude, I bet you scared him off. Man, you need to chill out!"
"How!" yelled Snape.
[MeatLoaf's note: I'm sorry that this chapter just kind of leaves you there. I'm putting this up right now because my friend La Dama del Pollo wanted to read it. I'll start writing the next chapter over the weekend.]
1 Chapter 2: Death of a Carrot
Snape looked to the floor because tears were now swelling up in his eyes.
"Well.um.you could stop yelling." Said Minerva.
"B-but they make me so angry! I can always hear them talking about how much they hate me!" cried Snape. "Every day I hear Harry telling his friends that he hopes I've resigned! Then I go home and cry all night!"
Snape sat down on the floor, covered his face with his hands and started crying uncontrollably.
"It's not fair! I just wanted people to like me!" Said Snape in a trembling voice.
Minerva put a reassuring arm around Severus' shoulders.
"Dude, Maybe I could help you chill out." Said Minerva.
"How?" asked Severus as he wiped his eyes and sadly stared up at Minerva.
"Well.I can teach you to be a hippie, man. I'm sure you'll be happy once you've learned to appreciate the flowers and the trees." Said Minerva.
Severus smiled and asked, "You'd do that for me?"
Minerva nodded her head.
"Thanks. Why don't we talk about this tomorrow at dinner? I'm too tired right now." Said Severus as he stretched his arms and yawned. "Good night. I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
"Bye." said Minerva as she watched Severus get up and walk sleepily down the hallway.
The next day..
"Severus should be here any minute." thought Minerva as she glanced at her watch.
A few minutes later, Professor Snape walked into the Great Hall and sat down next to Minerva at the staff table.
"Hello, Minerva." Said Snape.
"Um.hi."
A few minutes of uncomfortable silence followed.
"So.are you going to show me how to be.a hippie?" asked Snape uneasily.
"Uh.yeah." Said Minerva.
She wished she had thought about what to do the night before. She realized that she had no idea how to teach somebody to be a hippie!
"Well, before you become a hippie, you.um.need to learn how to chill out. And to chill out, you need to be happy."
"And.?" asked Snape.
"You will be happy if you don't care what other people say about you. So.you need to act weird and learn not to care about what other people think about you!" said McGonagall in a cheerful voice. She was glad that she could think up something in such a short amount of time.
"What sort of weird thing did you have in mind?" asked Snape.
"Dude, playing with your food is , like, kind of weird." Said Minerva.
"So in order to be a hippie, I have to play with my food?" asked Snape?
"I guess, man."
Snape looked down at his plate and saw mashed potatoes, carrots, peas, and steak.
"How exactly do you play with food?" said Snape.
"Well." said McGonagall, "You hold your fork like this."
Snape did the same.
"And then you , like, pick up a carrot." Said Minerva as she stabbed a little carrot with her fork and held it up for Severus to see.
"Oh no! You killed the carrot!" exclaimed Snape. He never thought he'd ever say something like that.
"Now we have to bury him!" declared McGonagall.
"In what?" asked Snape.
"Um.how about the mashed potatoes?" suggested Minerva.
"That's a great idea!" said Severus as he formed a mound out of his mashed potatoes. Then he dug a wide hole in the middle.
"It's perfect!" said Minerva as she lowered the carrot into its potato-ish grave. Then she slid the carrot off the fork and covered the hole back up.
"Now we need to have somebody to attend the funeral." Said Snape.
"The peas will do just fine." Said Minerva.
Severus placed the peas around the carrots "grave".
"Dude, what do people say at a funeral?" asked Minerva.
"We can just make something up." Said Snape.
"That's a good idea, man!" exclaimed Professor McGonagall. "Ok, here it goes: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a carrot."
The rest of the evening was carried out in a similar fashion.
"Oh my gosh! Look what time it is!" said Snape.
"Dude! It's already 10:00 pm!" yelled Minerva.
"But it doesn't matter because tomorrow's Saturday and I don't have to wake up early in the morning." Said Snape.
"I've got some more stuff to do tomorrow. Why don't you meet me by the Whomping Willow tomorrow after breakfast?" asked Minerva.
"Sounds good to me."
"I'd better go now." Said McGonagall as she stood up.
"Bye." Said Severus.
"Bye."
And with that Professor McGonagall walked out of the Great Hall and went home.
[MeatLoaf's Note: I was listening to the radio station while I was writing this and a song inspired me to write the next chapter of "The Wacky Adventures of Snape, Minerva and Dumbledore." Let me give you a hint: The song involved a certain submarine.]
2 Chapter 3: ".all the really cool hippies have hippie vans!"
[MeatLoaf's Note: Um.I don't actually have anything to say, but it just doesn't feel right to start a story without an author's note.]
"I wonder what kind of weird thing Minerva and I are going to do today." Thought Severus to himself as he went outside. "It has to be really wacky if she wanted me to meet her by the Whomping Willow."
After a few minutes, he came to the spot where the Whomping Willow was and what he saw there made his jaw drop. Minerva was holding two paint brushes and she was standing beside a white van and about 20 buckets of colorful paint. Luckily, the van was far enough away from the Whomping Willow that it didn't try to whack the van.
"Minerva!" cried Snape as he ran up to her. "Where did you get this van? And all these buckets of paint?"
"Hagrid gave them to me." Said Minerva as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Dangerous creatures aren't the only things he collects."
"I'm not even going to ask." Said Snape. "So, what do you plan to do with the van?"
"Dude! We're going to paint it, man!" yelled Minerva. "Won't that be fun?"
"Well, um."
"Before we paint it, I want to, like, show you what's inside of It." Said Minerva.
She and Severus walked around to the back of the van. She opened up the doors and there was a giant green 4-foot lava lamp and a disco ball inside. There were 2 seats up at the front and they were lime green.
"Where did you get that lava lamp?!" asked Snape. "It's freakin' huge!"
"Dude, I got it at, like, Spencer's." said Minerva. "You know, that place in the mall. Dude, But that's not important right now. We have to paint the van, man."
"Why are we even painting it in the first place?" asked Snape.
"Dude! Because all the really cool hippies have hippie vans!"
"What are we supposed to paint on it?" asked Snape.
"Like, Peace signs and stuff." Said Minerva. "We also have to make it look tie-dyed and groovy."
"If you say so." Said Snape as he picked up a paint brush from off the ground. Then he dipped it into a bucket of green paint and started to draw a giant peace sign on the van.
6 hours later.
"Dude!" said Minerva. "The hippie van is like so totally groovy, man!"
"I agree." Said Snape.
"Now we have to put on the best part: the bumper stickers." Said Minerva. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a bunch of bumper stickers that said things like "Save the Whales" and "War is stupid".
"Hey, man." Said Minerva to Snape. "Take these and, like, put them on the van."
"Ok," said Snape as he took the bumper stickers.
1 hour later.
"Ok," said Minerva, "NOW the hippie van looks like so totally groovy!"
"And I agree, again." Said Snape. "Now what do we do with it?"
"We park it, on the front lawn!!!" said Minerva.
"It looks old, does it even work?"
"There's only one way to find out." Said Minerva.
"Uh oh."
Minerva grabbed Snape by the arm and put him in the van. Then she got in the driver's seat and turned on the van. Soon the van was going at full speed and it was hard for Minerva to avoid hitting something.
"Watch out for that rock!!!" cried Snape.
But it was too late. The van ran over the ramp-like rock and was flying over the lake.
"AAAAGGGHH!" screamed Snape and Minerva.
The ground was getting closer and closer and then the van hit the ground. Miraculously, Minerva and Snape were ok and there wasn't a single scratch on the car.
"GROOVY!!!" said Minerva.
"Uuuughhh." moaned Snape with his head resting against the dashboard. "I think I'm gong to have nightmares about this for the rest of my life."
Then Minerva and Snape got out of the car.
"Meet me tomorrow after breakfast in the staff room." Said Minerva.
Snape watched Minerva happily walk away, and then he fainted.
[MeatLoaf's note: That was probably the weirdest thing I've ever written.]
3 Chapter 4: This is What Happens When Record Players Fall Into the Wrong Hands
[MeatLoaf's Note: I'm sorry it's been such a long time since I wrote part of this story. It's just that I've been working on so many other stories.]
Snape could not help but wonder about what kind of wacky thing Minerva had in store for him as he slowly walked to the staff room. He had no idea what to expect. The past few days had been filled with hippie-vans, playing with food, and several other strange things and he couldn't even imagine what today would bring.
A few minutes later, he found himself sitting on a couch next to Minerva who was playing with a record player. At first, she didn't notice him, but just as Severus was about to say something, she said without even turning around or stopping her work:
"Dude, like, today you're going to learn one of grooviest parts of being a hippie: talking like one..just as soon as I get this freaky record player working, man."
Since there wasn't much else to do, Severus sat patiently waiting for Minerva to fix the record player. But it wasn't long before she placed the record player on the table and turned it on.
"Hello Everyone!" said a cheery voice on the record player. "Today we will learn how to talk like a hippie! Repeat after me: Where is my car? Dude, like, where's my car?....very good! Oh no, the policeman is here! Man! It's the man, man!....very good!"
Severus reached over and turned off the record player.
"Is this all that we're going to do today?" asked Severus. "Repeat after her?"
"Yup." Said Minerva.
"Ok, if you say so." Said Snape.
Severus turned the record player back on and started saying the hippie stuff.
4 hours later.
"Thank you for your time." Said the cheery voice on the record player. "Other records you may enjoy are 'Learn to Speak French Overnight' and 'Spanish: Learn it While you Sleep!' Bye-Bye!"
"Dude that was weird." Said Severus. "Groovy, man! I can talk like a hippie!"
"Totally!" said Minerva. "Like, meet at my house tomorrow, man."
"Dude, like, ok man." Said Severus.
"Dude, like, bye." Said Minerva as she picked up her record player and walked out the door.
[MeatLoaf's Note: Guess what everybody! I've actually seen a record player with my own two eyes!!! My parents had one at my old house. They kept it on top of the cabinets, but since I was only about 5 years old, I wasn't able to see it everyday. But one day, I climbed on top of the cabinets and looked at it! It was old and dusty!!!]
4 Chapter 5: How Long Has it Been Since He's Washed His Hair
[MeatLoaf's Note: I'm so sorry I haven't been able to write much of this story lately. But now it's summer so I have plenty of time!]
"Dude!" said Severus Snape as he walked to Minerva's house. "It's already 5:00, man. I wonder what I'm going to get to do this time, man."
Snape opened the door of Minerva's house and saw her sitting on the couch holding a bundle of white clothes.
"Ok, man." Said Minerva. "Go in that closet over there and put these hippie clothes on."
"Like, ok."
5 minutes later....
Severus walked out of the closet wearing the white clothes.
"Dude!" said Snape. "I thought hippie clothes were all colorful and stuff."
"They are, man." Said Minerva. "We just haven't put the tie-dye stuff on them yet."
"Where are we gonna get the dye from?" asked Snape.
"From the tie-dye factory down the street! Duh!" said Minerva. "Haven't you ever seen it before?"
"Oh! You mean the giant blue factory down the street is a tie-dye factory?" asked Severus in amazement.
"Like, yeah." Said Minerva. "What did you think it was, man?"
"Dude, I always thought it was a shampoo factory!"
"DUDE!!!" yelled Minerva. "You thought that stuff was shampoo??? No wonder your hair is always so greasy! I'll get you some real shampoo later. But, like, right now we have to tie-dye your hippie clothes."
Severus and Minerva went outside on the front lawn of Hogwarts and got into the hippie van. They turned it on and drove to the tie-dye factory. When they got there they went inside and saw huge buckets of dye that were 20 feet high.
"Dude!" yelled Severus. "You could, like, swim in one of things!"
Then Minerva and Snape went onto on of those walkways that hang over the top of one of the buckets.
"Hey, Severus." Said Minerva. "I think I see a fish swimming in there! You should lean over the edge of the walkway and see if you can see it."
"Ok." Said Snape.
Then Minerva pushed Severus over the edge and he fell into a big bucket of dye. When he came out, his clothes were all colorful!
"Dude! Cool! My clothes are all groovy!" said Severus.
"Yup." Said Minerva. "Now there's only one thing left for you to do before you are a hippie."
"What is that?" asked Snape.
"Dude, you'll find that out tomorrow if you come over to my house right after dinner." Said Minerva.
"Ok." Said Snape.
Then they got into the hippie van and drove back to Hogwarts.
[MeatLoaf's Note: The next chapter will be much funnier. I promise.]
5 Chapter 6: The Bathtub of Secrets
[MeatLoaf's Note: This might be the last chapter. It might not be. I haven't decided yet. Oh, I should also mention that La Dama del Pollo gave me the idea for this chapter.]
"Dude like I'm going to be a hippie today, man." Said Severus as he walked to Minerva's house. He went up to the door and rang the doorbell. Then he knocked on the door. Then he rang the doorbell again and again and again until finally Minerva opened up the door and said
"Dude! I'm coming, man! So stop ringing the doorbell!"
"Groovy!" said Severus.
"Ok, like, come in and sit on the couch, man." Said Minerva.
"Groovy!" said Snape as he sat down on the big fuzzy tie-dyed sofa. Minerva closed the door and sat down next to Snape.
"Dude," said Minerva, "remember yesterday when I said I would get you some real shampoo?"
"Like, no?" said Snape in a way that sounded like he was asking a question.
"Well I did and I always keep my promises so..."
Minerva reached into her pocket and pulled out a travel sized bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo and handed it to Severus.
"...here it is! In order to be a hippie, you must wash your hair with this shampoo in the bathtub of secrets."
"But I don't wanna wash my hair!" said Snape.
"Dude, If you don't wash your hair in the bathtub of secrets within the next 2 hours all the hippie stuff you learned will be forgotten and you'll have to spend the rest of your life as some grumpy old guy with greasy hair." Said Minerva.
"Ok, I'll wash my hair. Where's the bathtub?" asked Severus.
"You have to find it on your own, dude." Said Minerva. "But you do get a map."
Minerva reached into her pocket again, pulled out a map and handed it to Snape.
"DUDE!" said Snape angrily. "This isn't a map! It's just something you cut off the back of a Froot Loops cereal box!"
"I never said the map would help you, man." Said Minerva. "Dude, like you should go and find the bathtub now. You've only got two hours left."
So Severus put the shampoo and the "map" in his pocket and set out to find the bathtub of secrets.
"Hmmmm...." Said Snape to himself as he stood out in the middle of the hallway. "If I were a bathtub that could change normal people into, like, groovy hippie people, where would I be?....the janitor's closet!"
Snape ran to the janitor's closet and started turning over buckets and brooms.
"Where are you little groovy bathtub? Come out come out wherever you are!" said Snape as he looked behind a mop.
Suddenly, Filch came up behind him and threw him out of the closet.
"Ya crazy young folk!" said Filch. "Always messing with my stuff!" Then he picked up a broom and whacked Snape with it. "Get out of here, freak!"
"Ouchies!" said Snape as he got up off the floor and ran away from Filch. A few minute's later, he decided to look at the map so he pulled it out of his pocket. On the map there was a picture of Toucan Sam saying "Follow your nose!".
"Hmmmmm....." said Snape. "That's just stoopid enough to work!"
So Severus Snape followed his nose. In other words, he walked straight forward until he came to a big room. Inside the room was a big crate labeled "Bathtub of Secrets".
"Groovy! I found it!" said Snape.
Snape picked up a giant crowbar and opened the crate. Inside were hundreds of thousands of tiny pieces, duct tape, and a tiny piece of paper. Snape picked up the paper and read it out loud.
"Bathtub of Secrets. Some assembly required. Instructions not included." Said Snape.
Snape put down the piece of paper and started putting the bathtub together.
30 minutes later...
"Dude! I put it together, so why won't it work?????" yelled Snape angrily.
Snape picked up the piece of paper and noticed that on the back it said "Batteries required, but not included."
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Screamed Snape. "Hey wait! I know where I can get a big enough battery: The hippie van!"
So Snape ran to the hippie van and got the battery. When he got back to the bathtub, he duct taped the battery to the side of the tub. Then he stood back and looked at the tub. It was actually just a bunch of little white pieces of metal duct taped together to form a bathtub that resembled a barbeque. Without even taking off his clothes, Snape jumped in the bathtub and pushed a big red button. The tub was instantly filled to the rim with water. Snape pulled the Herbal Essences bottle out of his pocket and started washing his hair.
Suddenly, a bunch of people appeared out of nowhere and sang "He's go the urge to herbal!". This confused Snape terribly but he continued to wash his hair anyway. 10 minutes later he was finished! For the first time since he was 3 his hair was washed!!!
He stepped out of the bathtub and his hair sprang up into a giant Afro.
"Groovy!" said Snape.
Then Minerva came up to him and said "Dude! Now you're a hippie!"
"Yeah, man" said Snape. "Dude, but like why did my hair puff up into an Afro? It's never done that before."
"Like, your hair does that naturally. The weight of all that grease was, like, holding it straight down."
"Dude, but like why didn't it do that before I was 3? I washed my hair back then, man."
"Dude, like, before you were 3 you didn't have much hair." Said Minerva.
"Groovy!" said Snape.
Then Minerva and Snape walked off into the sunset. Then they got into their hippie van and drove away without realizing that the van no longer had a battery. !!Blazing Saddles!!
The End.
(Question Mark?)
[MeatLoaf's Note: I'm writing sequel! It is called "Severus Snape: The Spy Who Taught Me" The first chapter is up.]
By MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey
[MeatLoaf's Note: This story is about Professor McGonagall teaching Snape to be a groovy, peace-loving hippie. Since I am having trouble uploading chapters, I have compiled it all into one file.]
Chapter 1: McGonagall a Hippie?
One dark night in the middle of November, under the dim light of a few candles, Harry, Ron and Hermione were concocting a potion in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. They had been working on it for several days and now it was almost complete. Hermione was stirring the potion while Ron was reading her the ingredients out of a small, lime-green book. After Ron said the ingredient's name, Harry would drop it in.
"What's the next ingredient?" asked Hermione as she stirred the potion with a large wooden spoon.
Ron scanned the page of the potion book for a few seconds and then said "One tied-dyed piece of cloth."
Harry reached into a big brown bag and pulled out the piece of cloth. Then he dropped it in the toilet where the potion was being made.
"That was the last ingredient! We're finally finished! Now all we have to do is pour the potion into a glass and give it to Snape. Then he'll turn into a peace-loving hippie and he'll never bother us again!" said Ron happily.
"But there's only one problem." Said Harry, "How are we going to get Snape to drink this? He hates us more than anyone! Why would he drink a potion from us?"
Nobody had an answer to that one.
"I knew something would go wrong!" said Hermione.
"Maybe I could tell Lockhart to give it to Snape." Suggested Harry. "He might drink something that another teacher gave him."
"Harry," said Hermione. "We all know Lockhart is pretty stupid, but do you really think he'll do something like that?"
"He seems to like me. I bet I could convince him somehow." Said Harry.
" I'm not sure about this." said Hermione.
"It's worth a try. Harry could tell Lockhart that it's grape juice or something." Said Ron.
"Well, ok." Said Hermione, "Ron and I will go back to the common room while you go give the potion to Lockhart. But if you get detention from wandering around in the middle of the night, don't blame me."
"Don't worry." Said Harry.
Hermione handed Harry the glass full of the potion and she picked up the cauldron which held the rest of the potion. Ron closed the book and then the group left Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.
Ron and Hermione went straight to the Gryffindor common room, but Harry set out to look for Lockhart. He nervously looked around each corner before going on to the next corridor. Since Ron and Hermione had taken the invisibility cloak with them, Harry had to take great care in not being seen.
After walking along for about 10 minutes, Harry began to have second thoughts.
"What am I going to tell Lockhart when I find him?" thought Harry, "What if he doesn't give the potion to Snape? What if he drinks it himself? What if he finds out that were trying to turn Snape into a hippie? What if I get expelled?"
Harry stopped to consider going back to the common room and trying to give the potion to Lockhart tomorrow when Harry heard footsteps coming.
"Oh no!" whispered Harry as he ran down the hallway. But he was too late. Professor McGonagall had already spotted him.
"Potter!" yelled McGonagall as she ran up to him. "What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?
"I.uh.." said Harry.
"What is that you're holding? It looks like grape juice! Why on earth are you wandering the halls in the middle of the night carrying grape juice? I'm sorry Potter but I'll have to give you detention for this. Really, I would have expected better from you.
"But I need to give this grape juice to Professor Lockhart!" said Harry as he held up the glass.
"I'm sure Professor Lockhart does not need any grape juice." Said Professor McGonagall as she grabbed the potion out of Harry's hands. "But I'm sort of thirsty. And I do like grape juice, I think I'll drink it."
"No! Don't!" yelled Harry.
By the time he finished saying this, Professor McGonagall had drank the whole glass. A few seconds afterward, her black hair grew down to her ankles and now had purple highlights. Now she was wearing a tie-dyed hippie shirt and bell bottom jeans covered in smiley face iron-ons. She had a purple band around her head and she had beads all over her brown vest. She also had a huge, golden peace-sign necklace.
"Dude, that was groovy, man." Said Professor McGonagall.
"P-p-professor? That potion must have changed you into a."
"Hey, change comes from within, man." Said McGonagall.
"But that potion was supposed to be for Snape! Not you! What am I going to do? I'm going to be in so much trouble for this!" said Harry angrily.
"Don't worry little dude. Just chill out and everything will be groovy. Okies?" said McGonagall.
"But Professor-" said Harry.
"Dude, call me Minerva."
"Ok, Minerva, Maybe we should go get Dumbledore. He'll know how to change you back." Said Harry.
"That old fat guy? I thought he was dead. And little Dude, I thought I already told you that change comes from within, man." Said Minerva.
"Right." Said Harry uneasily, "On second thought, maybe I should just go back to the common room and let you deal with this little problem, ok?"
Before she could answer, Snape came walking down the hall.
"Potter! What are you doing here? 10 points form Gryffindor! Students should not be roaming the halls at night!" said Snape. But then he noticed Professor McGonagall.
"Aaahh! McGonagall! What happened to you! I bet Potter did this!"
"Dude! Like, chill out man! Like, Harry was just, like, going to, like, give some grape juice to, like, Lockhart, you know? And I, like, saw him, you know? And I was like, 'Harry! Where're you going with that grape juice!' and he's like, 'I'm, like, going to give it to Lockhart!' and I'm like, 'Can I have it?' and he's like, 'ok' so I, like, drank it." Said Minerva.
"What? Th-this doesn't make any sense? Why would Potter want to turn you into a.a.a hippie?" asked Snape in a loud voice.
"Dude, beats me. Maybe he's got some, like, some personal issues or something." Said Minerva.
"Don't worry Professor. I'll take you to Dumbledore as soon as I'm finished with Harry. Potter!" said Snape as he turned around and faced Harry, "50 points from Gryffindor and you have detention for a month!"
"DUDE!" yelled Minerva, "You have problems, man! You don't have to be all evil to him! He hardly even, like, did anything, man!"
"Of course he did something! He turned you into a hippie and he deserves detention for month, at the very least!" said Snape furiously.
"Dude! You're so evil, man! You should, like, chill out, man! That's why I don't like you! You're all evil to all the students." Said Minerva.
While this was going on, Harry was slowly sneaking away. Step by step, he was quietly edging towards the next hallway. After about a minute, he reached it and ran back to the Gryffindor common room.
"Well, If the students didn't hate me so much, maybe I'd be nicer to them." Said Snape.
"They're not going to be nicer to you if you keep yelling at them like you just did to Harry."
"Speaking of Harry, where is that little brat?" said Snape as he looked around him.
"Dude, I bet you scared him off. Man, you need to chill out!"
"How!" yelled Snape.
[MeatLoaf's note: I'm sorry that this chapter just kind of leaves you there. I'm putting this up right now because my friend La Dama del Pollo wanted to read it. I'll start writing the next chapter over the weekend.]
1 Chapter 2: Death of a Carrot
Snape looked to the floor because tears were now swelling up in his eyes.
"Well.um.you could stop yelling." Said Minerva.
"B-but they make me so angry! I can always hear them talking about how much they hate me!" cried Snape. "Every day I hear Harry telling his friends that he hopes I've resigned! Then I go home and cry all night!"
Snape sat down on the floor, covered his face with his hands and started crying uncontrollably.
"It's not fair! I just wanted people to like me!" Said Snape in a trembling voice.
Minerva put a reassuring arm around Severus' shoulders.
"Dude, Maybe I could help you chill out." Said Minerva.
"How?" asked Severus as he wiped his eyes and sadly stared up at Minerva.
"Well.I can teach you to be a hippie, man. I'm sure you'll be happy once you've learned to appreciate the flowers and the trees." Said Minerva.
Severus smiled and asked, "You'd do that for me?"
Minerva nodded her head.
"Thanks. Why don't we talk about this tomorrow at dinner? I'm too tired right now." Said Severus as he stretched his arms and yawned. "Good night. I guess I'll see you tomorrow.
"Bye." said Minerva as she watched Severus get up and walk sleepily down the hallway.
The next day..
"Severus should be here any minute." thought Minerva as she glanced at her watch.
A few minutes later, Professor Snape walked into the Great Hall and sat down next to Minerva at the staff table.
"Hello, Minerva." Said Snape.
"Um.hi."
A few minutes of uncomfortable silence followed.
"So.are you going to show me how to be.a hippie?" asked Snape uneasily.
"Uh.yeah." Said Minerva.
She wished she had thought about what to do the night before. She realized that she had no idea how to teach somebody to be a hippie!
"Well, before you become a hippie, you.um.need to learn how to chill out. And to chill out, you need to be happy."
"And.?" asked Snape.
"You will be happy if you don't care what other people say about you. So.you need to act weird and learn not to care about what other people think about you!" said McGonagall in a cheerful voice. She was glad that she could think up something in such a short amount of time.
"What sort of weird thing did you have in mind?" asked Snape.
"Dude, playing with your food is , like, kind of weird." Said Minerva.
"So in order to be a hippie, I have to play with my food?" asked Snape?
"I guess, man."
Snape looked down at his plate and saw mashed potatoes, carrots, peas, and steak.
"How exactly do you play with food?" said Snape.
"Well." said McGonagall, "You hold your fork like this."
Snape did the same.
"And then you , like, pick up a carrot." Said Minerva as she stabbed a little carrot with her fork and held it up for Severus to see.
"Oh no! You killed the carrot!" exclaimed Snape. He never thought he'd ever say something like that.
"Now we have to bury him!" declared McGonagall.
"In what?" asked Snape.
"Um.how about the mashed potatoes?" suggested Minerva.
"That's a great idea!" said Severus as he formed a mound out of his mashed potatoes. Then he dug a wide hole in the middle.
"It's perfect!" said Minerva as she lowered the carrot into its potato-ish grave. Then she slid the carrot off the fork and covered the hole back up.
"Now we need to have somebody to attend the funeral." Said Snape.
"The peas will do just fine." Said Minerva.
Severus placed the peas around the carrots "grave".
"Dude, what do people say at a funeral?" asked Minerva.
"We can just make something up." Said Snape.
"That's a good idea, man!" exclaimed Professor McGonagall. "Ok, here it goes: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a carrot."
The rest of the evening was carried out in a similar fashion.
"Oh my gosh! Look what time it is!" said Snape.
"Dude! It's already 10:00 pm!" yelled Minerva.
"But it doesn't matter because tomorrow's Saturday and I don't have to wake up early in the morning." Said Snape.
"I've got some more stuff to do tomorrow. Why don't you meet me by the Whomping Willow tomorrow after breakfast?" asked Minerva.
"Sounds good to me."
"I'd better go now." Said McGonagall as she stood up.
"Bye." Said Severus.
"Bye."
And with that Professor McGonagall walked out of the Great Hall and went home.
[MeatLoaf's Note: I was listening to the radio station while I was writing this and a song inspired me to write the next chapter of "The Wacky Adventures of Snape, Minerva and Dumbledore." Let me give you a hint: The song involved a certain submarine.]
2 Chapter 3: ".all the really cool hippies have hippie vans!"
[MeatLoaf's Note: Um.I don't actually have anything to say, but it just doesn't feel right to start a story without an author's note.]
"I wonder what kind of weird thing Minerva and I are going to do today." Thought Severus to himself as he went outside. "It has to be really wacky if she wanted me to meet her by the Whomping Willow."
After a few minutes, he came to the spot where the Whomping Willow was and what he saw there made his jaw drop. Minerva was holding two paint brushes and she was standing beside a white van and about 20 buckets of colorful paint. Luckily, the van was far enough away from the Whomping Willow that it didn't try to whack the van.
"Minerva!" cried Snape as he ran up to her. "Where did you get this van? And all these buckets of paint?"
"Hagrid gave them to me." Said Minerva as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Dangerous creatures aren't the only things he collects."
"I'm not even going to ask." Said Snape. "So, what do you plan to do with the van?"
"Dude! We're going to paint it, man!" yelled Minerva. "Won't that be fun?"
"Well, um."
"Before we paint it, I want to, like, show you what's inside of It." Said Minerva.
She and Severus walked around to the back of the van. She opened up the doors and there was a giant green 4-foot lava lamp and a disco ball inside. There were 2 seats up at the front and they were lime green.
"Where did you get that lava lamp?!" asked Snape. "It's freakin' huge!"
"Dude, I got it at, like, Spencer's." said Minerva. "You know, that place in the mall. Dude, But that's not important right now. We have to paint the van, man."
"Why are we even painting it in the first place?" asked Snape.
"Dude! Because all the really cool hippies have hippie vans!"
"What are we supposed to paint on it?" asked Snape.
"Like, Peace signs and stuff." Said Minerva. "We also have to make it look tie-dyed and groovy."
"If you say so." Said Snape as he picked up a paint brush from off the ground. Then he dipped it into a bucket of green paint and started to draw a giant peace sign on the van.
6 hours later.
"Dude!" said Minerva. "The hippie van is like so totally groovy, man!"
"I agree." Said Snape.
"Now we have to put on the best part: the bumper stickers." Said Minerva. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a bunch of bumper stickers that said things like "Save the Whales" and "War is stupid".
"Hey, man." Said Minerva to Snape. "Take these and, like, put them on the van."
"Ok," said Snape as he took the bumper stickers.
1 hour later.
"Ok," said Minerva, "NOW the hippie van looks like so totally groovy!"
"And I agree, again." Said Snape. "Now what do we do with it?"
"We park it, on the front lawn!!!" said Minerva.
"It looks old, does it even work?"
"There's only one way to find out." Said Minerva.
"Uh oh."
Minerva grabbed Snape by the arm and put him in the van. Then she got in the driver's seat and turned on the van. Soon the van was going at full speed and it was hard for Minerva to avoid hitting something.
"Watch out for that rock!!!" cried Snape.
But it was too late. The van ran over the ramp-like rock and was flying over the lake.
"AAAAGGGHH!" screamed Snape and Minerva.
The ground was getting closer and closer and then the van hit the ground. Miraculously, Minerva and Snape were ok and there wasn't a single scratch on the car.
"GROOVY!!!" said Minerva.
"Uuuughhh." moaned Snape with his head resting against the dashboard. "I think I'm gong to have nightmares about this for the rest of my life."
Then Minerva and Snape got out of the car.
"Meet me tomorrow after breakfast in the staff room." Said Minerva.
Snape watched Minerva happily walk away, and then he fainted.
[MeatLoaf's note: That was probably the weirdest thing I've ever written.]
3 Chapter 4: This is What Happens When Record Players Fall Into the Wrong Hands
[MeatLoaf's Note: I'm sorry it's been such a long time since I wrote part of this story. It's just that I've been working on so many other stories.]
Snape could not help but wonder about what kind of wacky thing Minerva had in store for him as he slowly walked to the staff room. He had no idea what to expect. The past few days had been filled with hippie-vans, playing with food, and several other strange things and he couldn't even imagine what today would bring.
A few minutes later, he found himself sitting on a couch next to Minerva who was playing with a record player. At first, she didn't notice him, but just as Severus was about to say something, she said without even turning around or stopping her work:
"Dude, like, today you're going to learn one of grooviest parts of being a hippie: talking like one..just as soon as I get this freaky record player working, man."
Since there wasn't much else to do, Severus sat patiently waiting for Minerva to fix the record player. But it wasn't long before she placed the record player on the table and turned it on.
"Hello Everyone!" said a cheery voice on the record player. "Today we will learn how to talk like a hippie! Repeat after me: Where is my car? Dude, like, where's my car?....very good! Oh no, the policeman is here! Man! It's the man, man!....very good!"
Severus reached over and turned off the record player.
"Is this all that we're going to do today?" asked Severus. "Repeat after her?"
"Yup." Said Minerva.
"Ok, if you say so." Said Snape.
Severus turned the record player back on and started saying the hippie stuff.
4 hours later.
"Thank you for your time." Said the cheery voice on the record player. "Other records you may enjoy are 'Learn to Speak French Overnight' and 'Spanish: Learn it While you Sleep!' Bye-Bye!"
"Dude that was weird." Said Severus. "Groovy, man! I can talk like a hippie!"
"Totally!" said Minerva. "Like, meet at my house tomorrow, man."
"Dude, like, ok man." Said Severus.
"Dude, like, bye." Said Minerva as she picked up her record player and walked out the door.
[MeatLoaf's Note: Guess what everybody! I've actually seen a record player with my own two eyes!!! My parents had one at my old house. They kept it on top of the cabinets, but since I was only about 5 years old, I wasn't able to see it everyday. But one day, I climbed on top of the cabinets and looked at it! It was old and dusty!!!]
4 Chapter 5: How Long Has it Been Since He's Washed His Hair
[MeatLoaf's Note: I'm so sorry I haven't been able to write much of this story lately. But now it's summer so I have plenty of time!]
"Dude!" said Severus Snape as he walked to Minerva's house. "It's already 5:00, man. I wonder what I'm going to get to do this time, man."
Snape opened the door of Minerva's house and saw her sitting on the couch holding a bundle of white clothes.
"Ok, man." Said Minerva. "Go in that closet over there and put these hippie clothes on."
"Like, ok."
5 minutes later....
Severus walked out of the closet wearing the white clothes.
"Dude!" said Snape. "I thought hippie clothes were all colorful and stuff."
"They are, man." Said Minerva. "We just haven't put the tie-dye stuff on them yet."
"Where are we gonna get the dye from?" asked Snape.
"From the tie-dye factory down the street! Duh!" said Minerva. "Haven't you ever seen it before?"
"Oh! You mean the giant blue factory down the street is a tie-dye factory?" asked Severus in amazement.
"Like, yeah." Said Minerva. "What did you think it was, man?"
"Dude, I always thought it was a shampoo factory!"
"DUDE!!!" yelled Minerva. "You thought that stuff was shampoo??? No wonder your hair is always so greasy! I'll get you some real shampoo later. But, like, right now we have to tie-dye your hippie clothes."
Severus and Minerva went outside on the front lawn of Hogwarts and got into the hippie van. They turned it on and drove to the tie-dye factory. When they got there they went inside and saw huge buckets of dye that were 20 feet high.
"Dude!" yelled Severus. "You could, like, swim in one of things!"
Then Minerva and Snape went onto on of those walkways that hang over the top of one of the buckets.
"Hey, Severus." Said Minerva. "I think I see a fish swimming in there! You should lean over the edge of the walkway and see if you can see it."
"Ok." Said Snape.
Then Minerva pushed Severus over the edge and he fell into a big bucket of dye. When he came out, his clothes were all colorful!
"Dude! Cool! My clothes are all groovy!" said Severus.
"Yup." Said Minerva. "Now there's only one thing left for you to do before you are a hippie."
"What is that?" asked Snape.
"Dude, you'll find that out tomorrow if you come over to my house right after dinner." Said Minerva.
"Ok." Said Snape.
Then they got into the hippie van and drove back to Hogwarts.
[MeatLoaf's Note: The next chapter will be much funnier. I promise.]
5 Chapter 6: The Bathtub of Secrets
[MeatLoaf's Note: This might be the last chapter. It might not be. I haven't decided yet. Oh, I should also mention that La Dama del Pollo gave me the idea for this chapter.]
"Dude like I'm going to be a hippie today, man." Said Severus as he walked to Minerva's house. He went up to the door and rang the doorbell. Then he knocked on the door. Then he rang the doorbell again and again and again until finally Minerva opened up the door and said
"Dude! I'm coming, man! So stop ringing the doorbell!"
"Groovy!" said Severus.
"Ok, like, come in and sit on the couch, man." Said Minerva.
"Groovy!" said Snape as he sat down on the big fuzzy tie-dyed sofa. Minerva closed the door and sat down next to Snape.
"Dude," said Minerva, "remember yesterday when I said I would get you some real shampoo?"
"Like, no?" said Snape in a way that sounded like he was asking a question.
"Well I did and I always keep my promises so..."
Minerva reached into her pocket and pulled out a travel sized bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo and handed it to Severus.
"...here it is! In order to be a hippie, you must wash your hair with this shampoo in the bathtub of secrets."
"But I don't wanna wash my hair!" said Snape.
"Dude, If you don't wash your hair in the bathtub of secrets within the next 2 hours all the hippie stuff you learned will be forgotten and you'll have to spend the rest of your life as some grumpy old guy with greasy hair." Said Minerva.
"Ok, I'll wash my hair. Where's the bathtub?" asked Severus.
"You have to find it on your own, dude." Said Minerva. "But you do get a map."
Minerva reached into her pocket again, pulled out a map and handed it to Snape.
"DUDE!" said Snape angrily. "This isn't a map! It's just something you cut off the back of a Froot Loops cereal box!"
"I never said the map would help you, man." Said Minerva. "Dude, like you should go and find the bathtub now. You've only got two hours left."
So Severus put the shampoo and the "map" in his pocket and set out to find the bathtub of secrets.
"Hmmmm...." Said Snape to himself as he stood out in the middle of the hallway. "If I were a bathtub that could change normal people into, like, groovy hippie people, where would I be?....the janitor's closet!"
Snape ran to the janitor's closet and started turning over buckets and brooms.
"Where are you little groovy bathtub? Come out come out wherever you are!" said Snape as he looked behind a mop.
Suddenly, Filch came up behind him and threw him out of the closet.
"Ya crazy young folk!" said Filch. "Always messing with my stuff!" Then he picked up a broom and whacked Snape with it. "Get out of here, freak!"
"Ouchies!" said Snape as he got up off the floor and ran away from Filch. A few minute's later, he decided to look at the map so he pulled it out of his pocket. On the map there was a picture of Toucan Sam saying "Follow your nose!".
"Hmmmmm....." said Snape. "That's just stoopid enough to work!"
So Severus Snape followed his nose. In other words, he walked straight forward until he came to a big room. Inside the room was a big crate labeled "Bathtub of Secrets".
"Groovy! I found it!" said Snape.
Snape picked up a giant crowbar and opened the crate. Inside were hundreds of thousands of tiny pieces, duct tape, and a tiny piece of paper. Snape picked up the paper and read it out loud.
"Bathtub of Secrets. Some assembly required. Instructions not included." Said Snape.
Snape put down the piece of paper and started putting the bathtub together.
30 minutes later...
"Dude! I put it together, so why won't it work?????" yelled Snape angrily.
Snape picked up the piece of paper and noticed that on the back it said "Batteries required, but not included."
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Screamed Snape. "Hey wait! I know where I can get a big enough battery: The hippie van!"
So Snape ran to the hippie van and got the battery. When he got back to the bathtub, he duct taped the battery to the side of the tub. Then he stood back and looked at the tub. It was actually just a bunch of little white pieces of metal duct taped together to form a bathtub that resembled a barbeque. Without even taking off his clothes, Snape jumped in the bathtub and pushed a big red button. The tub was instantly filled to the rim with water. Snape pulled the Herbal Essences bottle out of his pocket and started washing his hair.
Suddenly, a bunch of people appeared out of nowhere and sang "He's go the urge to herbal!". This confused Snape terribly but he continued to wash his hair anyway. 10 minutes later he was finished! For the first time since he was 3 his hair was washed!!!
He stepped out of the bathtub and his hair sprang up into a giant Afro.
"Groovy!" said Snape.
Then Minerva came up to him and said "Dude! Now you're a hippie!"
"Yeah, man" said Snape. "Dude, but like why did my hair puff up into an Afro? It's never done that before."
"Like, your hair does that naturally. The weight of all that grease was, like, holding it straight down."
"Dude, but like why didn't it do that before I was 3? I washed my hair back then, man."
"Dude, like, before you were 3 you didn't have much hair." Said Minerva.
"Groovy!" said Snape.
Then Minerva and Snape walked off into the sunset. Then they got into their hippie van and drove away without realizing that the van no longer had a battery. !!Blazing Saddles!!
The End.
(Question Mark?)
[MeatLoaf's Note: I'm writing sequel! It is called "Severus Snape: The Spy Who Taught Me" The first chapter is up.]