The Blair Bitch Project
Authors Note: I saw about 3 minutes of this horrible thing and had to write something in spite
of it, All the characters are mine, this is simply a parody so don't get nuts on me.
October 30th 2000
Canojoharie, New York 4:23 PM est
The 5-year-old camera, which Bill's dad "said he could borrow", was holding a shaky picture on
Regina, the 13 year old freckle faced girl with short frizzy brown hair, glasses and purple
capped braces. Behind Regina was Craig's house the old faded blue exterior had collected a thin
layer of mold over the years, as well as at least 30 rotten eggs, never cleaned from past
Halloweens. Bill struggled to regain control of the bulky Sony movie-cam, the picture focused
on Regina's Keds, which she had purchased from a local Pay Less 2 years earlier, though she had
sworn her mother FORCED her to buy them, and that she got them at Foot Locker. As the camera
moved over her faded Jordaches and purple care bear tee it refocused on her putrid mug.
"Okay okay the light is blinking, Go!" Bill whispered like someone had him by the balls.
"Oh Oh umm Hi my name is Regina...Uhh" her squeaky voice fell to an equally squeaky whisper
"what's the line??" Craig chimed in from behind the camera, he was the oldest of the three at
14. Craig was your classic loser middle school kid, he always wore black, he insisted that
he was a true anarchist though when asked he couldn't for the life of him come up with the
definition of the word, and he ran about school painting little 666 and A symbols on desks.
His skin was pale, because even in the sunless cold fall days, like today where you could see
your own breath in an oven he wore SPF 45, to stay "Gothish" as Bill so called it. He pushed
some stringy long black hair from his face, blown over by the wind "make something up!" Make
something up? Regina was 13, And you must understand, when your 13 you, by biochemical
scientifically proved FACT can't form your own opinions or ideas. so of course what she
came up with was completely stupid. As if what was scripted wasn't but the boy who wore black
lipstick and SPF 45 on Christmas came up with it so you can't get much worse. "uhm...See
there's this old lady who lives in, like this house, and she like uhh does stuff to cats and
like its bad, so like we're gonna like go film her doing bad stuff and like the police can come
arrest her!" Truly a wizard with the spoken word. To this bill sighed and turned the camera on
himself, bill may as well have been Charlie Brown come to life. He was a pudgy little bastard
who always wore green, why? We don't know, He says its "flattering to his Hazel eyes" which were
blue but no one told him. No matter how cold it was out he would always wear shorts, purple
shorts that cut 5 inches above his knee. His head was always shaved perfectly and he looked
positively ridiculous too, however the 13 and a half year old may have been the brains (if
there was any) of this operation. The picture was now out of focus on Bill's face (thank God)
and he spoke as always trying to make his voice sound lower and more manly then it really was
"What Regina means is that there's a witch who lives in the old Renardo place, and we're gonna
go document her evil ceremonies! Isn't that right Craig?" Craig shook his head franticly from
off camera, he didn't want to be in the movie at all, he just came along because Bill had
convinced him that the old woman would practice Satan worshiping ceremonies and that she
would raise the dead. "uhh right, so lets start the expedition to evil woman's house!" The
'expedition' was really only about a 2 minute walk from Craig's house but they walked around
his backyard for a little while first, for what Regina called 'effect' Craig spoke up "can
we just go check out the bitch with the shrunken heads and come back already? I don't want
to miss uhh...the special on pig mutilation.." (what he really didn't want to miss was 'Living:
with Martha Stewart' but he'd never admit to it) Bill scrunched his nose and covered what he
thought was the sound pick up, but was only the handle and whispered loud enough for the camera
to pic up "Dude that's SO sick, chill anyway we still need to make it look like we're going
a long way!"Craig argued "That's what editing is for"
Regina stared blankly into the sky still deciding whether to be Barbie with a knife in her back
or Janet Reno for Halloween, what a debate for both were equally as gruesome of a costume.
At this point even Bill had to admit it was way to cold to keep walking in circles,
he had a theory that his testicles had frozen together on the inside. "okay, fine lets go"
The trudged toward the 'Evil Witch's home' Bill carefully avoided Craig's mother's flowers
and cartoon ghost Halloween decorations with the camera. A few steps up the road was all it
took to bring them to the beat up old house, now to this pathetic trio's defense I will say
that the house DID look creepy, and any neighborhood kid would make up legends and stories
about it. Cobwebs were strung over every window, the mold had grown so thick that the old white
exterior was now gray. Half of the now greenish shudders hung from only one screw, falling off
the house and the roof had several holes, yet an Old woman DID live there, they just needed to
prove she was the Satan Incarnate. Once they had reached the rusted and broken off fencing all
three froze, and lost what little nerve they had, bill spoke abandoning his macho-wannabe voice
and sounding like a little girl on speed "C-C-Craig.....You like all....this..uhh creepy shit..Y-You
go first!" Oh Craig would have none of that he made an excuse to hide his cowardice "No umm you
see If two demons see each other without a human present umm bad things happen, yah that's right! So Regina has to go!" Regina heard her name and looked up, she had decided that Janet Reno would much further strike fear into the hearts of candy givers than Barbie with a knife "Me? Oh no! I'm to chicken, Bill should go this was HIS idea!" Bill tried to defend himself at first but he knew it was true…so he crept ever so slowly toward the porch of the rickety old home followed by the Gothling and the Ugly teenage girl once he reached the door a shaky hand lifted and knocked three times quickly before darting behind Craig in fear for what was to come, the camera was getting all of this and now had a spectacular view of Craig's "I eat people" shirt. Regina eyed the rusted gold painted doorknob and squealed as it turned, the door was opening! Oh the horror! Oh the agony oh the…….fat old woman wearing a pink apron that says 'Best Grandma on Earth'? all three of the kids raised an inquisitive brow and the old woman spoke "Oh hello children!" her old hazy brown eyes found Craig "Silly me I thought Halloween was
tomorrow! You're my first group this evening" She had the most pleasant Irish accent "Do come
in, I just baked cookies! Oh makin a movie are ye?" Bill spoke up "so your not evil?"
then Regina "you don't kill kitties?" then Craig "Shit. I'm missing Martha for this?"
they all looked at Craig "Martha is the name of the hammer they use on the pig, I SWEAR!"
well that was the end of the litte expedition, they all returned home and decided to make
their movie about Janet Reno with Regina's new costum, which needless to say was more
frightening than the Witch thing had ever promised to be.
I'd end with "the end" but that's so played so ill just let you GUESS its over now.
-Sleepy Insomniac
Authors Note: I saw about 3 minutes of this horrible thing and had to write something in spite
of it, All the characters are mine, this is simply a parody so don't get nuts on me.
October 30th 2000
Canojoharie, New York 4:23 PM est
The 5-year-old camera, which Bill's dad "said he could borrow", was holding a shaky picture on
Regina, the 13 year old freckle faced girl with short frizzy brown hair, glasses and purple
capped braces. Behind Regina was Craig's house the old faded blue exterior had collected a thin
layer of mold over the years, as well as at least 30 rotten eggs, never cleaned from past
Halloweens. Bill struggled to regain control of the bulky Sony movie-cam, the picture focused
on Regina's Keds, which she had purchased from a local Pay Less 2 years earlier, though she had
sworn her mother FORCED her to buy them, and that she got them at Foot Locker. As the camera
moved over her faded Jordaches and purple care bear tee it refocused on her putrid mug.
"Okay okay the light is blinking, Go!" Bill whispered like someone had him by the balls.
"Oh Oh umm Hi my name is Regina...Uhh" her squeaky voice fell to an equally squeaky whisper
"what's the line??" Craig chimed in from behind the camera, he was the oldest of the three at
14. Craig was your classic loser middle school kid, he always wore black, he insisted that
he was a true anarchist though when asked he couldn't for the life of him come up with the
definition of the word, and he ran about school painting little 666 and A symbols on desks.
His skin was pale, because even in the sunless cold fall days, like today where you could see
your own breath in an oven he wore SPF 45, to stay "Gothish" as Bill so called it. He pushed
some stringy long black hair from his face, blown over by the wind "make something up!" Make
something up? Regina was 13, And you must understand, when your 13 you, by biochemical
scientifically proved FACT can't form your own opinions or ideas. so of course what she
came up with was completely stupid. As if what was scripted wasn't but the boy who wore black
lipstick and SPF 45 on Christmas came up with it so you can't get much worse. "uhm...See
there's this old lady who lives in, like this house, and she like uhh does stuff to cats and
like its bad, so like we're gonna like go film her doing bad stuff and like the police can come
arrest her!" Truly a wizard with the spoken word. To this bill sighed and turned the camera on
himself, bill may as well have been Charlie Brown come to life. He was a pudgy little bastard
who always wore green, why? We don't know, He says its "flattering to his Hazel eyes" which were
blue but no one told him. No matter how cold it was out he would always wear shorts, purple
shorts that cut 5 inches above his knee. His head was always shaved perfectly and he looked
positively ridiculous too, however the 13 and a half year old may have been the brains (if
there was any) of this operation. The picture was now out of focus on Bill's face (thank God)
and he spoke as always trying to make his voice sound lower and more manly then it really was
"What Regina means is that there's a witch who lives in the old Renardo place, and we're gonna
go document her evil ceremonies! Isn't that right Craig?" Craig shook his head franticly from
off camera, he didn't want to be in the movie at all, he just came along because Bill had
convinced him that the old woman would practice Satan worshiping ceremonies and that she
would raise the dead. "uhh right, so lets start the expedition to evil woman's house!" The
'expedition' was really only about a 2 minute walk from Craig's house but they walked around
his backyard for a little while first, for what Regina called 'effect' Craig spoke up "can
we just go check out the bitch with the shrunken heads and come back already? I don't want
to miss uhh...the special on pig mutilation.." (what he really didn't want to miss was 'Living:
with Martha Stewart' but he'd never admit to it) Bill scrunched his nose and covered what he
thought was the sound pick up, but was only the handle and whispered loud enough for the camera
to pic up "Dude that's SO sick, chill anyway we still need to make it look like we're going
a long way!"Craig argued "That's what editing is for"
Regina stared blankly into the sky still deciding whether to be Barbie with a knife in her back
or Janet Reno for Halloween, what a debate for both were equally as gruesome of a costume.
At this point even Bill had to admit it was way to cold to keep walking in circles,
he had a theory that his testicles had frozen together on the inside. "okay, fine lets go"
The trudged toward the 'Evil Witch's home' Bill carefully avoided Craig's mother's flowers
and cartoon ghost Halloween decorations with the camera. A few steps up the road was all it
took to bring them to the beat up old house, now to this pathetic trio's defense I will say
that the house DID look creepy, and any neighborhood kid would make up legends and stories
about it. Cobwebs were strung over every window, the mold had grown so thick that the old white
exterior was now gray. Half of the now greenish shudders hung from only one screw, falling off
the house and the roof had several holes, yet an Old woman DID live there, they just needed to
prove she was the Satan Incarnate. Once they had reached the rusted and broken off fencing all
three froze, and lost what little nerve they had, bill spoke abandoning his macho-wannabe voice
and sounding like a little girl on speed "C-C-Craig.....You like all....this..uhh creepy shit..Y-You
go first!" Oh Craig would have none of that he made an excuse to hide his cowardice "No umm you
see If two demons see each other without a human present umm bad things happen, yah that's right! So Regina has to go!" Regina heard her name and looked up, she had decided that Janet Reno would much further strike fear into the hearts of candy givers than Barbie with a knife "Me? Oh no! I'm to chicken, Bill should go this was HIS idea!" Bill tried to defend himself at first but he knew it was true…so he crept ever so slowly toward the porch of the rickety old home followed by the Gothling and the Ugly teenage girl once he reached the door a shaky hand lifted and knocked three times quickly before darting behind Craig in fear for what was to come, the camera was getting all of this and now had a spectacular view of Craig's "I eat people" shirt. Regina eyed the rusted gold painted doorknob and squealed as it turned, the door was opening! Oh the horror! Oh the agony oh the…….fat old woman wearing a pink apron that says 'Best Grandma on Earth'? all three of the kids raised an inquisitive brow and the old woman spoke "Oh hello children!" her old hazy brown eyes found Craig "Silly me I thought Halloween was
tomorrow! You're my first group this evening" She had the most pleasant Irish accent "Do come
in, I just baked cookies! Oh makin a movie are ye?" Bill spoke up "so your not evil?"
then Regina "you don't kill kitties?" then Craig "Shit. I'm missing Martha for this?"
they all looked at Craig "Martha is the name of the hammer they use on the pig, I SWEAR!"
well that was the end of the litte expedition, they all returned home and decided to make
their movie about Janet Reno with Regina's new costum, which needless to say was more
frightening than the Witch thing had ever promised to be.
I'd end with "the end" but that's so played so ill just let you GUESS its over now.
-Sleepy Insomniac