Part 7
After making their rounds, they both had noted that it had been almost too quiet of a night, and worrying what that might mean when they didn´t run into any demons, or vampires on their patrol. They made it back to her house without running into anything.
"Somehow not seeing any vampires, or demons is not a good thing. Was there some kind of big meeting, and we didn´t know about it?" she asked as they reached her porch.
"Not that I´m bloody aware of, but then I wasn´t in their bloody loop lately, or anyone´s elses," he said meaningfully. He was hesitating, his foot on the top step unsure whether to go forward, and follow her on to the porch. He knew he didn´t need an invite any more, but old habits were going to be hard to break.
"I know you don´t need an invite now, but come in anyway, Spike," she told him. as she looked back at him hanging back eyeing the door.
"It´s going to be Will, now, luv. No more Spike. Spike was who I made myself into being. William, was who I was before I got turned. Will is who I am going to become," he told her following her into the house, and closing the door behind them.
"Got it. You keeping the hair?" she asked lifting a eyebrow.
"Why? You want me to?" he asking meeting her eyes, amused at her questions.
"Yes—no, I dunno. Just used to it, but always wondered what color your hair really was. Your roots are kind of showing that´s why I asked," she replied flustered now wishing she had kept her mouth shut, and wasn´t so acutely aware of him, and how good he really did look.
"I haven´t had the courage to really look at myself in the mirror yet. Probably I´ll change it. Been a while since I did anything with it. That´s one of things I was going to do tomorrow so I could start fitting in, along with some clothes to go job hunting. The biggest problem going to be real IDs, but Giles thought he might be able to help. If not I´ll have to ask Peaches," he told her as he took off his trench and hung it on the rack in the hallway.
"Angel? He´s going to freak—you know that," she said as she hung up her jacket and stashed her bag of weapons by the coat rack out of the way.
"Yeah, big time." He agreed, looking nervous and not looking forward to that conversation, or any conversation with his grand-sire.
They found Giles on the phone in Joyce´s old home office. He looked up at them, and mouthed long distance so they left him to go to the kitchen to get something to drink.
"Who do you think he´s talking to?" Spike asked Buffy as he took the coke she handed him from the fridge as they sat down on the stools in the kitchen.
"Couldn´t tell. Maybe it´s the Council with more info on Glory. So far we still don´t know that much more about her," she said taking a sip of her drink while he did the same wishing it was a beer instead.
He had left those out in the car, and he knew the only thing usually in the house was a some wine, and he really wasn´t a wine drinker. Did she even have a clue how much he was willing to give up for her so that he could be in her life and be what she might fall in love with—if she gave herself the chance to? Probably not, but he would stop smoking, and cut down on the drinking. The beer earlier wasn´t setting too well on his stomach as it was. And he had to pee again—bloody body. "Be back in a minute, luv, " he said, excusing himself, and going upstairs to use the bathroom. It was a nuisance, but a welcome reminder of his changed status. Straining his senses he could tell that Dawn was sound asleep, so he left her alone, and made his way back down the stairs.
Buffy was still sitting in the kitchen and Giles evidently was on the phone. While he was gone she had gotten out some cookies and was munching on them. "Have some," she offered and he did take one of the oatmeal chocolate chip and began eating it carefully, and put it immediately on his mental list of foods to buy in the future. While he had been gone he had been thinking about their conversation, and basically jumped in where they had left off.
"I thought about what you were saying, luv. Neither do any of the local demons have any real information on Glory either. She´s real low keyed and real mysterious except for always having money and spending it on clothes and accessories for herself. I´ve been trying to find out what they know, or get a hold of one her followers, but no such luck. So far she´s still looking for her key, and doesn´t know—you know about….," he trailed off, motioning his head upwards.
"Yeah, but for how long? How long are we going to be able to keep Dawn safe? Ever since Glory just showed up in the house while the Council was here I´ve been worried about her doing an encore."
"The bint came here, to your house?" he asked surprised, no one had told him that.
She looked at him oddly, and then remembered she 'hadn´t´ told him why she was leaving her mother, and sister with him—just to do it. She blushed, embarrassed. "God, you didn´t know then, did you ? I left them without telling you why and you didn´t ask so I figured you knew why. Glory was the whole reason why I brought Mom and Dawn over to your place. That´s why Dawn doesn´t go any where alone now. I really thought you knew," Buffy said surprised.
"No, I didn´t—honest. No one shares with me, or didn´t. So Glory knows where you live—that is not good at all. For once, Buff, be honest with me, and tell me what we are dealing with. What has been going on," he asked her.
And she did, telling him
everything that had been happening since he had been banned from the house,
and shop. With each addition of information, Spike got more, and more worried
about her, Dawn, and all of
them.
"Does Angel know any of this?" he had to ask when she got through explaining, almost afraid to find out the answer. But her response surprised him because he was sure she´d yell for her knight in shining armor to help her since soldier boy was gone.
"No, I didn´t tell him when he came for the funeral. I just couldn´t. He´s got his life, his own problems and I didn´t want to involve him. We made peace finally, and I just didn´t want to blow it by him having to worry about me. Besides he doesn´t even know Dawn. He never asked about her so I kept quiet."
"He doesn´t know Dawn? Huh? How? I remember seeing the two of them talking," he asked confused, then remembered. "Ohh, the memories—I get it now. I keep forgetting that she hasn´t always been here. So people who haven´t been here, been a part of all this--- she´s still not a part of their memories—weird," he commented, as the realization of how outside of reality the teenager really was.
"Evidently, you accepted Dawn just like we all did because you´ve been here all along. But I´ve met people who weren´t like some of my relatives from out of town for the funeral. It was weird watching the memories shift in their head as they accepted Dawn as always being here," she told him, and he nodded in understanding. "But Angel and the group in LA don´t know any of this, though I have been hoping that Giles would talk to Wesley, and see if he had any knowledge of Glory, or any of this."
"The other Watcher? Heard of him, never met him. Did you ever find your Dad? Does he know any of this?" he asked.
Buffy winced, "no, still can´t track him down. His office says they´re trying to find him, but it´s been weeks now. Besides, all this would seriously freak him because he doesn´t know about me being a slayer, or about vampires, or any of this weird stuff. It was because of my getting chosen, and having to fight vampires that I burned up my school gym. He hit the ceiling because I couldn´t explain, and I had embarrassed him. He and mom got into a massive fight over me and I blame myself for their divorce and mom and I having to move here to start over. By that time Merrick, my first Watcher was dead so I had no one to explain it to either of my parents, so I just kept quiet, and just let my dad think I was nuts and out of control," she told him and Spike just shook his head.
"Damn, I had no idea. I know it blew me away when you, and I were working out the truce to find out your Mum had no idea what you were. And she knew we were both lying about being in a band together. Then she caught on what was happening when we killed the vampires in front of her and our conversations. Even after she found out I was a vampire, she still liked me, and treated me decent. She was really a wonderful lady, and one of the reasons I did start changing because she thought I was worth something," he said, looking down at the counter missing the look of surprise, and wonder in her eyes at his heartfelt words about her mom and the expect she had had on him.
"I never could figure you, and her out, or you and Dawn either. But I guess it´s been differences in perspectives and experiences," she commented.
"Could be. But I never did have an urge to harm either of them. You on the other hand---it gets a bit too complicated to explain," he said, backing off before they got too deep, and she nodded in understanding and let it go, but shelving her questions for a later date.
Going back to what they had been talking about, Buffy told him, "I remember how hard a time I had telling my mom, who was here, and had seen it that I was a vampire slayer. Imagine me trying to explain all of this to someone who hasn´t been here. What I´m worried about is his coming here, and trying to take Dawn away from me, or take this all away from me—I couldn´t take that. It scares me—it scares me a lot," she admitted, trying not to cry.
"It´ll be okay, I promise. I won´t let your Dad take your sis away or let anything happen to this house. I know how proud your Mum was of it, and that it was her house, not your dad´s," he tried to reassure her.
"Unfortunately, it´s not going to be that bloody easy," Giles announced from the doorway, and they looked up to meet his haunted eyes. "That was your father´s attorney. They finally found your father, and he´s going to be coming here in two weeks time. He wants to take you, and Dawn back to LA, sell the house, and everything," Giles explained as he sat down.
"No—No way! I will not let him do that. I can´t, and won´t leave here. This is my house, my sister, and I am not going to let him take her away. He can´t protect her—I can," Buffy said angrily.
"Legally, there´s not much you can do, Buffy. You´re still underage, and in college. You have no visible means of support for yourself, or for her. Joyce left me as executor of her estate, and gave me temporary guardianship of you, and Dawn in the event of her death, but all that can be overruled by your father unfortunately as his lawyer gleefully informed me," Giles told her sadly.
"Giles, there has to be another way—there just has to be," she said horrified at the idea of having her world further destroyed as she tried to hold back her anger at her father along with her tears of frustration.
"No, I don´t think so," the Watcher sighed wanting a drink very badly. and wishing he did have a bottle of Scotch stashed, he but he didn´t. He looked at the upset young woman and wished he could make all of her problems go away, but he had been truthful. There wasn´t that much he could do against her father, and his very powerful lawyer from Wolfram and Hart, that he was now trying to remember where he had heard the name, and why the name, and the lawyer, himself, a Mr. Lindsay, had bothered him so much. He realized that Spike had been speaking, and he tried to focus on what the former vampire was saying.
"What if Buffy were married, and all taken care of? Would that make her all respectable, and responsible looking for the courts?" Spike asked getting a idea—a long shot really that he wasn´t sure would work even if she´d go for it looking back and forth between the two trying to judge their reactions.
The suggestion started Giles, and he had to shake his head hoping to clear it while he digested what the young man was asking. His parental hackles went up and he narrowed his eyes as he looked back at Spike venturing cautiously, "maybe—I don´t know. I would have to check with my lawyers to find out. Why? What are you thinking?" Giles asked warily, getting a sinking feeling already of what Spike had in mind.
Spike leaned in closer, clasping his hands to keep his own shaking, and nervousness down as Buffy looked on puzzled and confused, trying to figure out his angle too. He cleared his throat, and asked, "Remember us talking earlier over at the shop when I said I had resources, but hadn´t wanted to deal with Peaches to use them again?"
"Yes, but what has this to do with Buffy, and Dawn?" Giles asked doubly confused as Buffy also looked at the former vampire trying to understand what was on his mind.
Spike smiled. "Money, to bloody well fight her father for one. Bloody titles, and estates if me sire kept all the paperwork up for another. Rup´, you familiar with the Wellingtons?" Spike asked with a glint in his eyes to see the Watcher nod, and quirk an eyebrow, begging him to continue which Spike did. "Well, I happen to be the 15th Duke of Wellington by birth, and my sire has all the paperwork to prove it."
"But how? Even if you are, how can you reclaim the title after all these years, and isn´t there a current Duke already claiming that?"
"My great-great nephew Harry, descended from my older brother Philip who died before my turning along with his young wife leaving my nephew James whom my mother and my sisters were taking care of. Unlike Angelus I did not go back home, and off my relatives. In fact he didn´t even know who I was until recently. And I also kept track of my family as they did me. Angelus, Darla, and Dru never knew who I was before, and I led them to believe I was someone else entirely so that my real family would be safe, and carry on."
"Your family is still alive? I mean you didn´t do what the Watcher´s journals said you did?" Buffy had to ask, looking at him unsure whether to believe him or not.
"No, even just turned I couldn´t lead Angelus to my family to slaughter them. I never did like the idea of killing, and torturing innocents. That was their thing not mine. I´ve read the bloody journals so I know what it says about me, most of that stuff was Dru´s or Angelus´ doings not mine. I just got blamed for it because I was with them. You ought to know me by now, I go for the quick kill, not the games," he told them both.
That´s all very well, and good but what does all this have to do with Buffy, and her father? You´re not proposing to marry her, are you?" Giles asked point blank, and saw Spike flush redly and sit back in his chair embarrassed.
"Aye, mate if she´ll have me. She, and the Nibblet would never have to worry about money, or anything ever again seeing that I´m currently worth close to thirty million dollars," Spike told him. and Buffy face was a mask of shock and anger.
"Thirty---million dollars, and you were always hitting us up for money?" Buffy exploded, her hands landing on the counter making it shaking, wanting to reach over and grab him by the neck.
He cringed back, hoping she wouldn´t kill him now. He had planned on telling her eventually, he was suitably embarrassed when he squeaked out, "Angel has it, or is taking care of it. I gave him power of attorney back when I was busted up in the wheelchair because he made me give it to him. Before that Dalton was handling everything. I´m no bloody good at handling finances, and investments. I haven´t had the nerve to go ask him to give it back to me. Where do you think the money for the mansion came from, and what is keeping Angel afloat in LA—he sure isn´t making that kind of money from fighting demons that´s for damned sure." Spike told her, solving a mystery that had been bugging her for years of where Angel was getting his money.
"So let me get this straight—your solution to my problem with my father over Dawn, and everything is to marry you?" Buffy asked, her voice cold, and her eyes even colder as she looked at him disgusted, appalled, and hurt that he had been using them when he did have money all along he could have used for his needs, but had been too chicken to talk to Angel to get it back.
He saw her look, and cringed, wishing he was any where, but there, and wishing very much he had kept his mouth shut, or found a gentler way of breaking the news to her. He had really blown it big time. "Yeah, sort of, and I know it´s a lousy idea—so just forget it. Just forget I said a thing," Spike said abruptly, getting up, and heading out the back door.
His quick departure was unexpected by both Buffy and Giles. Buffy wasn´t sure what she was feeling now about anything. He hadn´t come right out, and asked her to marry him—not that she would have any way—human or not, or would she, she asked herself. On some levels it scared her to even think about the possibility of them being married for real, and how close it had actually been to happening before. No one but themselves knew that they had almost driven to Las Vegas under the spell, but she had convinced him to wait, and let her have a traditional wedding instead. Giles and the gang had no idea of a lot of things that did happen under that spell. Like the beyond incredible sex they had had in the bathroom when everyone was out. She did not want to go there—bad Buffy, she told herself. She had tried very hard not to remember that particular memory because it was so good, so wonderful, and one that could never be again once the spell was over. Spike had been so perfect, so unbelievably good, and had made her feel things that no one ever had. Riley always thought she was comparing him to Angel when in truth she was always comparing him to Spike.
But back to the matter at hand. Okay, she admitted to herself, she could see that Spike was trying to help with his wanting to marry her. With that kind of money involved her father 'would´ leave them alone, and she wouldn´t have to worry about anything, but she wasn´t Cordelia, or Harmony only wanting to latch on to a guy for their money. If she married anyone it was going to be for love, and not their money, or anything they could give her. She wasn´t that desperate, was she?
Things were just happening too quick, too soon, and today had been just one unnerving surprise after another. She still was not dealing with this whole Spike is now human bit, and add on to it he was rich, and wanted to marry her. It was all seriously wiggin´ her out.
She heard Giles talking to her, and she tried to focus on what he was saying. "Buffy, we will figure something out. You don´t have to take Spike up on his offer. We will find a solution to all of this," he tried to reassure her.
"I know. I´m just feeling more than a little overwhelmed right now. This day has been way too weird. I just don´t know what I am feeling right now. I just want to be some place far far away, and not have to deal with any of it not Glory, not Mom being gone, my Dad coming, school, or Spike as a human. He still loves me, you know. He told me he´s not going to give up on me, or there being an us. Now I don´t have any excuses because he is human, and has a soul now."
"But do you love him? Do you have feelings for him?" her Watcher asked, trying to be sympathetic bur also feeling she was not really being honest with him, especially on how she 'did´ really feel about the ex-vampire.
She squirmed uncomfortably under his intense gaze. "Damn, Giles, I don´t know. I really don´t. He makes me mad, angry, drives me up the wall, but he does know me sometimes better than I know myself. He can get under my skin faster than anyone, and he can make me laugh when I let myself laugh. But the weird thing is that I trust him, and know I can count on him. He´s still here, even after all the times I told him to leave. When we´re out there patrolling I feel safe with him. I never felt safe with Riley, and a lot of times not even with Angel. And he´s good with Dawn—she trusts him too. When she shows up missing I know where she´s at, or with. But love? I don´t know whether I can love. After all my bad experiences with guys that part of me is closed off. Right now all I am is the Slayer—that´s all I want feel, and be—it´s easy, simple, no pressure, no expectations, just me, and the hunting. I´m afraid to let anyone get close to me again—it just hurts too bad—do you understand?" she asked him feeling more lost then normal, and not really wanting to discuss this with him—not at this moment at least.
"I think so. Just try, and get some rest tonight, and don´t let all of this get to you," he told her, back pedaling a little as he saw how upset she was getting and not wishing to further add to her emotional distress.
Buffy rolled her eyes and shook her head, stifling the impulse to laugh. "Yeah, right. But I think I need to go talk to him, and try explain. I promised him I´d try to give him a chance, and I´ve been shooting him down."
"You don´t have to. I can explain if you want," Giles volunteered wanting to have a few words with him as well.
She shook her head, making up her mind that she owe Spike at least an explaination, and that she wasn´t being nice to him at all—like usual. "No, this is something I have to do. I haven´t been fair to him, and he needs to know why," she added getting up, and going past the concerned Watcher as she went out the back door to look for Spike.
He hadn´t gone far. He was sitting dejectedly on the back steps where they had sat months ago. Though those months seemed like years now for both of them as she sat down next to him, and he ignored her as he stared off into the night sky holding in his anger, and pain. Finally he spoke when the silence dragged on hard, and heavy between them. "I´m sorry. I should have kept my bleedin´ mouth shut. I keep bloxing up royally when it comes to you. You hate me, and I should just learn to bloody accept that," he said tensely, not looking at her because the pain he was feeling was so intense, and his control was almost gone. The last thing he wanted her to see was him crying. He really was a nancy boy, worse than his sire when it came to his feelings.
"I don´t hate you. I came to apologize," she said meekly, wrapping her arms around herself, feeling the chill of the night as she contemplated the ground.
He turned, and looked at her surprised, and suspicious. "For what? I´m the one that overstepped, not you."
"No, you didn´t," Buffy shook her head, and sighed, determined to explain. "It was me being a bitch again, and I know I´ve been a bitch to you, and you don´t really deserve it. I was still over reacting to my Dad, and everything else that had happened to today. Then to find out you do have money after all this time—I just kind of lost it—okay?" she told him, still angry about that
"Messed that up too, didn´t I?" Spike said with a bitter laugh. "As long as I was living like I was with the chip, and all, what was the point of money? Then there´s the fact we never talk except for bloody business, or when we´re fighting, when would something like that come up—how was you to know? How many really personal conversations have you, and I had since we´ve known one another? Not many. Then we´d end up hurting one another with what was said," he explained, hoping for once they really could talk this out.
"Yeah, you´re right," she agreed thinking back over some of their conversations and fights.
He was surprised she was agreeing with him, but he wasn´t going to admit it. "Bloody right, I´m right. And it´s been really bad since I made the stupid mistake of telling you that I do bloody well care about you, and I tried to force you to listen to me—I should have known that was a dumb idea to begin with. But trying to be nice to you, and your friends doesn´t work either. You frustrate the hell out me, Summers. No matter what I say or do, I screw it up. I try to be nice, do things for you, and you either don´t see, or don´t care. I´ve been a vampire for over a hundred and twenty years, but for you I was trying to change, and be better than I was, and give up the whole evil trip because it wasn´t getting me anywhere. And trying to be human is not easy for me. I forgot the rules because I didn´t have to be human. And then I still wasn´t good enough because I didn´t have a bleedin´ soul—well, now I´ve got one, and all I can say is it hurts like hell, so I hope you´re bloody happy because I sure am not," he told her, fighting back his angry tears.
She was really feeling bad now because she hadn´t been thinking about how her sharp words, and actions had been affecting him. God, she was almost destroying him because of her own fears and doubts. Before she had enjoyed making his life miserable anyway she could, she found she couldn´t do this to him anymore. Whether it was because he really did have a soul, because they were actually talking now, and she was hearing what was on his mind, or just plain guilt for not being willing to see he had been changing on his own without the soul. But she had to straightened this out before it got so bad it was unfixable. She grabbed his shoulder, and made him face her as she told him, "Spike it´s not you that´s the problem—it´s me. That´s what I came out here to tell you. You haven´t been screwing up it´s been me. I´m the one making a mess out everything," she said, and he turned to look at her puzzled.
He raised a wary eyebrow, "I don´t follow you, pet."
She sighed. He wasn´t going to make this easy, was he? With a groan she tried again, "I wasn´t willing to let you get close to me because of what had happened with Angel. Parker just made things worse. And 'you´ just had to rub it in—I never have forgiven you for that bit of humiliation. Then what had happened between us during Willow´s spell scared me because I was so happy that one day with you, and it felt so right, and I shouldn´t have felt anything since we were mortal enemies," she said being very glad it was dark so he couldn´t see her flushed face.
He allowed himself a small smile that she had felt something too between them, and that it hadn´t been as one sided as he had feared it might be. She had been fighting her feelings towards him all these years too. He hadn´t been misinterpreting her after all.
Spike touched a gentle finger to her cheek, and trailed it down her face making her shiver under his touch as he told her, "same here, pet. Think I didn´t wonder what the hell was happening too? Then there was my bloody physical reactions to you, and the way everyone used to get on our case about our bloody arguing, and fighting. I remember being so bloody mad that you had let that jerk Parker touch you, and use you. I wanted to track him down, and tear his head off for treating you like that," and saw a slight smile from her for his wanting to do dire damage to the asshole.
"You did? Really?" she asked, brightening, and wishing he had beat the bloody pulp out of Parker.
"Really, because he had hurt, and humiliated you,…and because I considered you …mine," he told her looking into her eyes and she gasped from the depths of emotions she saw within those dark depths. "When I came back to Sunnydale after Dru dumped me, and found you with the poof again I was furious, and I didn´t understand why I should be, but Dru knew when I went back at tried to win her back. She told me in Brazil I was in love with you but I denied it, fought it tooth and nail as the way until that soddin; spell. It wasn´t until you took up with soldier boy that it finally sank into my thick skull, that I was bleeding jealous. I had all this wonderful memories of you, and me together, and then I see you with him, and it about killed me to see you with him, or any guy. Then you went out of your way to rub it in too with him—that´s why I moved out Giles, so I didn´t have to watch you, and him making out. It was just too bleedin´ much to take even though I knew I didn´t have a bleedin´ shot at you," he confessed.
She tried not to let her surprise show as well as the fact he had wanted to defend her honor. All his at the time weird behavior was because he had been jealous, and in love with her, and had been for a long time. It was all beginning to make sense to her finally. "That´s why you were so nasty to me after Riley, and I got together. But you still helped me, even when I did everything I could think of to hurt you, and make you go away."
He sighed, "yeah, I did because that meant I at least got to see you, be with you. It was never the damn money. Yeah, I needed it, but I needed to be near you more, even if you were bloody beating me up—I was at least with you. Fighting with you was as close I can get to touching you, or being touched by you. The same with protecting your friends because I knew if anything happened to them it´d kill you. They tolerated me being around, and I could always get info out of them on what you were doing. After awhile I considered them my sort of friends. It´s hurt that they all hate me worse than they all ready did because they know I love you now. When did loving you become a bad thing—that´s what I haven´t been able to figure out?" he asked her really wanting an answer.
"Again, that´s my fault because you creeped me out, and I over reacted. You´re also getting the backlash of Angel too. Vampire plus love plus Buffy equals not a good thing for anyone," Buffy said with a sigh.
"But I´m not a vampire anymore," he said taking his warm hand and placing it on hers. "Can we ever get past the past of what I was, and begin all over? Or is this hopeless no matter what I am?" he asked, his eyes searching hers.
Buffy shook her head, and tried to meet his eyes, and found herself getting lost in them. "No, it´s not hopeless. It´s just so much to readjust to, …and deal with," she replied, finding it difficult to breathe, to think under his intense gaze and the feel of his hand on hers, his warm, not cold hand that was making her long for more touches from him.
He wanted to kiss her so bad, but he was afraid if he tried she would run, and bolt back into the house, so instead he told her, "tell me about it. I now have a chance to set things right, but I´m so afraid of doing the wrong thing that I´m not sure what to do. All I seem to do is make you mad at me. It was presumptuous of me to even think of you marrying me to solve the problem with your Dad. You don´t love me, and I only seem to make you miserable. Even with all the money in the world, I´m still worthless—human, or vampire," he said wearily, starting to get up.
Buffy grabbed his hand, and stopped him, jerking him back down next to her. That totally surprised him as did her tear streaked face revealed by the moonlight now. She had been crying, and it made him feel bad. He sat back down next to her waiting for her next move. "You´re not worthless—never think that. You´ve saved me lots of times, and everyone else too. But it´s the love bit—I´m afraid of love. Love, and Buffy are not good things as everyone I love leaves, or we both get burnt badly. I don´t know if I am…able to love anyone…anymore," she confessed truthfully, not wanting to see the pain in his eyes that she knew she was probably causing.
He dared to brush a hand to wipe away her tears, and she didn´t flinch back from his touch, she just looked at him cautiously. He could feel her trembling, and hear her heart racing. She was afraid of him, and afraid of letting him get close? How had he missed seeing how messed up she had gotten this last year? Easy. He had been only thinking of his own pains, and she had put up so such walls with her anger that no one had been really able to see how much she was really hurting inside from all that had happened to her. No wonder she had freaked when he had confessed he loved her. She was balancing on a hair trigger of feelings. If there was going to be any chance with her he was going to have to go very carefully, and not push anything with her.
"But you do love, pet. I see it in your eyes when you look at your sis, and your friends, and your Watcher. I envy them so much as they do have your love. And you care about people. You risk your life all the time to keep everyone safe. That´s what I have always admired about you, Summers is your heart."
"Yeah, right. I don´t feel it—all I feel is cold and empty. I don´t want to feel anything anymore—it hurts too much. I think you told me that once too. I didn´t understand it then, but I do now," she sighed.
"You actually took some dumb thing I said to you to heart?" he asked incredulous.
"Yeah. I do listen to you—though I try not to," she admitted.
"God, no wonder we have had bleedin´ problems—I was just trying to get a rise out of you—to get you to notice me—never thought you´d bloody take me seriously on anything. I´m the last one you should have been taking bloody advice from," he laughed and shook his head.
"Why? You always made sense. You saw me like no one else does, and told me things about myself I needed to know. They may have hurt, but you were always right."
"I never really meant to hurt you, Buffy, not really. I guess I always did want to protect you from all the bad. I just didn´t know how to go about it the right way—still don´t," he sighed deciding that maybe this was enough talking for the nigh and it was getting late. "Giles and I best be getting on our way. I´ve got some calls to make anyhow. Peaches is just going to love this new situation," he laughed.
"Yeah, you got what he always wanted. Is it what you wanted though?" she asked, her question surprising him.
"Yes, believe it or not. Last year I would have bloody furious, and would have tried get someone to change me back immediately. Now, I have a chance to live again, and do a better job of it, I hope, then I did then," he said thinking back about how much of a fop, and an innocent he had been before he was turned and glad he didn´t have to go all through that again.
"So you´re okay with being human again?"
"Yes. I still have to check the old body out, and see if all the parts work," he grinned devilishly at her and she tried to pretend she didn´t understand what he was saying, but a small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth which he was trying very had to resist the urge to kiss. "See, I did make you smile—finally," he said standing up. "And for once we did really talk—I knew it was possible," he grinned.
"Well, you haven´t been insulting me, and making me mad either—for a change," she shot back standing up too.
"But seriously, luv, we will find a way to keep your dad from taking Dawn away, and the house. I won´t let it happen, and neither will anyone else. That much I do promise you. You won´t even have to marry me to do it. It was a bloody bad idea anyway. If we ever get married, and I know that´s a big 'if´, I want it to be because you do want me, and do want to spend the rest of your life with me, and not because some spell, or life itself is forcing you to do it—do you understand?´ he asked.
She smiled at him, a genuine smile this time, thinking he was trying so hard to be nice, and it really wouldn´t be that hard to really fall in love with him, if she let herself. "Yeah, I do. Thank you, Will," she said, and leaned forward, and kissed him gently on his lips.
He almost fell off the steps in shock because he had not expected her to do it. His arms automatically encircled her waist, and he drew her closer to him to kiss her back. His lips were softer, but not that different from when he was a vampire. Instead of cool, he was warm, and her body´s responses to his touch were just as intense, and willing as they had been if not more so. One kiss led to another until they had to pull apart to breathe. He looked at her in sheer wonder, love, and wanting. "Cor, Buffy, you´re bloody wonderful," he managed to say as he looked into the hazel depths of her eyes seeing himself as well as the same wanting and desire for him as he had for her. As much as he wanted her, he was afraid to take it further so soon even though he was so hard he felt his pants would burst from the strain. Drawing back he had to say, "if we keep this up, luv, I´ll never be able to go to Giles´ tonight."
"And that´s a bad thing—how?" she asked, with a smile, not wanting him to stop so soon, or to leave her tonight. She wanted to stay right there in his arms where she realized she did belong. Something had shifted in her cold hear and she had found out that she did want him. He did set her on fire in every fiber of her being like no one had, including Angel. All this time she had been rejecting him—god, she had been so very stupid, she thought to herself.
Spike was trying to be the gentleman, and putting practical before all else for both them before they did get swept away by what they were feeling. "I still got to go get settled at your Watcher's as much as I would love to stay here, and make love to you until we dropped from exhaustion. I think we need to take this slow, and easy, luv. Let your mates get used to the idea of me being really alive, and not a threat to them. I want to do the date thing like you bloody humans do. I don´t do one night stands, and I don´t want to push you into anything you´re not ready for. And I want us both to be ready," he said kissing her gently, and then letting her go.
She pouted at him, disappointed, and dismayed at his control which she had not expected once she did start letting herself go. "You sure you´re still Spike in there?" she asked surprised at his wanting to take it slow, and not ravish her right then and there. She was sure thinking about it really hard and heavy.
"Ohh yeah, luv. I´m still me, and don´t ever doubt it," he said grabbing her back to him in his strong arms, her body molding to his, so she could feel his very hard hard-on pressing against her stomach, and then he kissed her with all his pent up passion to leave her weak kneed, and breathless before he released her.
She looked back at him stunned, trying to stand on feet that were just a tiny bit shaky now.
"Now, I better say goodnight before I do take you right here, and now, and your Watcher does kill me," he grinned, opening the back door and holding it open so she could enter first while he followed her in.
End Part 7
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