Whales

Starbuck's Crazy Coffee Adventure

By MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey

[MeatLoaf's Note: I usually write a fanfic about all of the books I read so I figure I might as well write one for Moby Dick.]

Setting: Pacific Ocean, 2001

            Ishmael was sitting on top of the little coffin/life-buoy thing that they were going to bury Queequeg in out in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly, Ishmael saw bubbles come up to the surface and soon Captain Ahab, Queequeg, and Starbuck floated up to the surface and climbed onto it too. They had survived Moby Dick's attack. Don't know how, don't know why. But they did.

            "Me no like-e this coffin. E!!!" said Queequeg.

            "But you were the one who made the carpenter make it!" cried Starbuck.

            "Shut, up coffee boy!" said Ishmael.

            "Arrrr….!" Said Ahab. "Ye sailors know best of all that I don't keep coffee on me whaling ships! Arrrr!"

            "Since when did Ahab start talking like a pirate?" asked Ishmael.

            "Eerrrrr…." Said Ahab. "Since I broke me peg leg!"

            "How did you break it?" asked Ishmael.

            "Uhhhhh……" said Ahab. "I was….uh….dancing! Yeah! And I was doing that disco stuff and uhh……my wooden leg uh……hit the disco ball and broke?"

            "Hey!" yelled Queequeg. "Me think-e that you-e leg was made of whale bone!"

            "Uhhhhhh….." said Captain Ahab. "It was but then—"

            Before Ahab could finish, Pip floated to the surface on a raft made of empty Spam cans and Rice-a-Roni boxes.

            "Oh I've got a lovely bunch of cocoanuts!!!" screamed/sang Pip at the top of his lungs.

            "Awww, crap." Said Starbuck. "Pip is insane! And you know I can't deal with crazy people until after I've had my coffee."

Flashback to 1971…

           

Ya see, long before Starbuck became a whaler, he worked as a janitor at a bowling alley. When he swept the floors, he would find lots of loose change and he would put half in the bank and spend the other half at the vending machines at the bowling alley's snack bar. Even though there were 5 vending machines, the only thing they served was coffee so the only thing Starbuck had to eat was coffee during lunch for 15 years because his boss, Dr. Evil, wouldn't let him go out of the bowling alley to eat lunch. Poor Starbuck couldn't even find variety at the snack bar because all they served was coffee. Sure, they had nacho cheese, but it was coffee flavored nacho cheese so it didn't matter. Anyway, after being forced to drink coffee every day for 15 years, Starbuck became addicted to it. If he was on a whaling ship and he didn't drink coffee in the morning, he would break down and could be found some time in the afternoon by his fellow whalers hiding in a barrel of whale oil sniffing markers and rubber cement with Pip.

But one day while he was still working at the bowling alley, the vending machines were abducted by Elvis and his alien friends from Pluto and the snack bar was infested with cockroaches and was covered in the bright yellow tape that policemen use around crime scenes. Since they was no food left at the bowling alley, Starbuck had no choice but to fill his pockets with markers and rubber cement and crawl around outside in search of coffee.

            Starbuck could feel the sun scorch his eyes as he took his first step outside of the bowling alley in 15 years. Inside the alley, the lights had been very dark so bowlers were less likely to make a strike because the bowling alley had a free pizza for anyone who made a strike. After the first 10 minutes, Starbuck's eyes became used to the sun and he could walk around.

            "Must………have…….coffee." muttered Starbuck as he stumbled through the parking lot. "vital….for…..LIFE!!!"

            Starbuck hadn't had his daily dose of coffee that day and noon was drawing near so he was very weak. In his weakness, he collapsed beside a car. On the other side, Ishmael was talking to Queequeg.

            "Hey, Dude! You know I don't swing that way!" said Ishmael firmly to Queequeg, who was looking quite crestfallen. "Hey! Look! There's Starbuck!"

            "Me Think-e he hasn't had his coffee-e yet today. E!" said Queequeg.

            Then Ishmael casually tossed the coffee that was in a cup he just happened to be holding onto Starbuck.

            "That aught to wake him up." Said Ishmael.

            Starbuck, after watching the coffee hit his shirt, began to lick it up.

            "Oh my gosh this coffee is bad!" yelled an outraged Starbuck who was still lying on the ground.

            " 'an outraged Starbuck.'?" Asked Ishmael. "MeatLoaf, are you implying that there is more than one Starbuck?"

            Suddenly the author walks in.

            "No." said MeatLoaf. "I just couldn't think of any other way to say that he was angry."

            "Aaahhhhh!!!" screamed Queequeg as he crouched down on the ground and put his little idol doll, Yojo, on his head. "Head for the hills! It's a self-insertion fanfic!"

            After glancing down at Queequeg for a moment, Starbuck said "I had no part in this."

            "MeatLoaf!" cried Ishmael. "Self-insertion fics are so crappy! Go away before you ruin your reputation!"

            Then Ishmael picked up MeatLoaf the Happy Donkey by her ears and tossed her into a magical glowing portal that took her back to her room.

            "Yeah!" said Captain Ahab. "Return to the murky depths from whence you came!"

            "How did you get here?" asked Ishmael.

            "Ya see," said Ahab, "I was in the first part of the fanfic and I didn't want to feel left out so I told MeatLoaf—"

            "HEY!!!" screamed Ishmael. "We're not supposed to mention the author's name in a fanfic! And we're not supposed to know that we're in a fanfic! So remember, this is real life."

            Here Ishmael paused and winked at the rest of the group.

            "Arrr, Whatever." Said Ahab. "Can't we just get on with the fic, err, real life?"

            "Certainly." Said Ishmael. "Now, where were we?"

            "Me think-e that it be Starbuck's turn to talk." Said Queequeg.

            "Ok." Said Starbuck. Then he cleared his throat and said, "This coffee tastes like crap! People shouldn't have to put up with this kind of stuff! I'm gonna make my own coffee shop so then I can drink coffee all day long! At least, I would do that if I wasn't so weak. GIVE ME THAT COFFEE CUP!!!"

            Starbuck suddenly leaped from the ground and grabbed the coffee cup away from Ishmael as quickly as lightning. Then he licked out every last drop of coffee from the cup.

            "Ok. Now we can go make coffee."

            Starbuck, Ishmael, Ahab, and Queequeg found a small abandoned house in Seattle. In less than 15 minutes, they cleared out all of the cardboard boxes (though a few contained sleeping hobos) and put in all the stuff they would need to run a successful coffee business: a coffee maker, some beans, and a few Dixie cups.

            "Arrr, what should we name the coffee shop?" asked Ahab unto Starbuck.

            "Hmmmm…..How about Ishmael's coffee jamboree?"

            "No!" said Queequeg. "Me want to name it Queequeg's corner coffee stop!"

            "I would go for Ahab's coffee shop." Suggested Captain Ahab.

            "No." said Starbuck. "None of those sound right. We need the perfect name or the business will never survive."

            A few minutes of silence followed as the group struggled to come up with an appropriate name.

            "Starbucks Coffee!" yelled the group in unison.

            So it was settled. The shop's name would be Starbucks and a few hours later, Ishmael ordered a sign to be made to place outside the store. Eventually, their little store became so popular, it transformed into a chain with a shop on every street in the World (and the even had some on Mars, too). Then they all live happily ever after until the very next day…..

The End

 (question mark?)

[MeatLoaf's Note: Even though I did make up the part about Starbucks being founded by a bunch of characters in a book, I wasn't joking about it being named after Starbuck, the character from Moby-Dick. You want proof? You go here: http://www.plastic.com/altculture/01/04/11/1734233.shtml or here http://www.mochajen.com/coffee/starbucks.html or here http://twincities.citysearch.com/profile/5533383 and there's probably a half a million other places where you can find proof. Also, please don't flame me because this story started out with Ishmael on the floating coffin thing and ended with Starbuck in a coffee shop. I'm going to continue with this story and when I do I'll write more about Pip and Ishmael sitting in the boat, ok?]