Disclaimer: Square owns everything, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fujin's rap was actually written by some friends of mine as a joke; I just put "chocobo" in there and included it in the story.
A/N: I fixed the HTML! Yay.
A/N2: This was written for a contest on Uncreativity's site a long time ago. Some of the stuff's been changed for the better, but the basic gist is still here. Just for your info, part of the contest was to include certain things in your story, which is why there are some really abstract ideas in this one. I believe the catagories I entered were Rapper Fujin, Demonic Selphie, Wrestler Irvine, Quistis X Raijin...probably others. Enjoy!
Hotdogs and coffee. Again. Although Zell rather enjoyed it, Irvine was sure it was just another one of the cafeteria ladies' schemes. The point of scheme? Well, that was yet to be answered. Probably in cahoots with Selphie. Demonic freak.
"Hey aren't ya eatin, man?!" said Zell, splattering food conveniantly all over Irvine's face from his mouth. The cowboy nonchalantly wiped the food off and glared at the evil cafeteria ladies before leaving.
He went into the main hallway of Balamb garden to see what was chillin. There he found the disciplinary committee heatedly discussing something that seemed really important; he was out of earshot, though, and decided to keep it that way.
"I'm tellin ya, Seifer, ya know there was no way they could have, ya know, gotten off of the, island, ya know?"
"LOOK, for the last time, Raijin, if they could build a friggen radio out of a coconut, who the hell says they can't build a boat and get on it?" Seifer insisted.
"AGREE."
"But that was a radio, ya know?. Like, a boat is, ya know, something totally different and stuff."
Poor, poor Raijin. Seifer took the time to shake his head in sympathy, much to Raijin's confusion. "It would be harder, way harder, to control radio waves than to build a raft out of wood. And with that radio they could've gotten directions or something!"
Seifer smirked as he drowned in his ego. Why, why, why wasn't he in charge of this place? Who knows how they would ever get along without him.
Their argument was rudely interupted by an announcement over the PA system, made of course by Cid. Seifer could almost swear he heard someone in the background.
"Xu, believe me, I did NOT eat your last twinkie! I...oh...is this thing on? Um, hello students! I would like to call...um..."
"Irvine Kinneas, Seifer Almasy, Fujin, and Raijin."
"Uh, yes, of course, thank you, Xu. Irvine Kinneas, Seifer Almasy, Fujin, and Raijin...don't they have last names? What kind of idiot would have no last name?"
"RAGE!" Fujin ran off towards the office.
"...If those students would come to my office or something..."
"Let's go see what the old dumbass wants this time."
***
"Hey Rinoa, I got my paycheck today!!" yelled Squall with a big goofy grin plastered to his face as he crashed into Rinoa's dormroom, uninvited. "100 gil! Yeah!" He started dancing around in what would be the most horrifying thing Rinoa would ever see. "Who's the man?"
"You got 100 gil for an entire month's work? Great, now we can buy an Echo Screen! Damnit, Squall, what's your SeeD rank anyway? Negative one?!" Rinoa went back to eating bonbons and watching Saved By The Bell. "I should've just married that rich guy in Timber when I had the chance."
"But then you would have to dump me!"
"As if I'd have a problem with that. I dropped Seifer like a rock, I can do it again."
"I didn't even know there were rich people in Timber. That place sucks..." Squall trailed off as he watched the television screen. "Oh way not fair! Kelly's supposed to enter the dance contest with Zack, not Slater!"
***
"Cid, what exactly did you call the kids in here for?" asked Quistis, who was in Cid's office for some reason.
"Well, I....um, Xena, I mean, Xu?"
"To make them get jobs." replied Xena. "Hey, stupid, my name is Xu, not Xena. Ugh!"
"Hey do NOT diss the Warrior Princess!" said the author.
Suddenly, the door burst open to a really, really, really miffed Fujin. She ran up to Cid and promptly kick his shin.
"Owie! Geez, Xu, why can't you be more like Xena and protect me?!" said Cid, holding his shin.
"Yeah, Xu, Xena could kick Fujin's ass." said Nida.
"Shut up Nida, nobody asked you! At least I didn't get my name from the Empire Stikes Back!"
"Hey, do NOT diss Star Wars!" said the author, who left after she noticed everyone staring at her.
"IDIOTS."
"Yeah, Fujin, I'd have to agree with you on that one." said Seifer smoothly as he strode into the office with Raijin lumbering behind him from the elevator. "Well, what are we waiting for? What do you want?"
"We're just waiting for Irvine Kinneas." replied Xu.
Quistis was too busy staring at that big hunk of man behind Seifer to notice Irvine coming up behind her. Sure, Squall was cute in that 'I'm totally depressed' sorta way, but Raijin was just so much more. It was her lifelong frustration that she could never get Raijin to notice her, even with her sexy smile. She was beginning to think he was gay.
Irvine came unnoticed (by Quistis) from the stairs entrance.
"Ah, Irvine, glad you could join us." said Xu sarcastically.
"Why are you coming from the stairs?" asked Cid. He then began shifting his eyes around. "Wait a minute...since when did we have stairs?"
Cid was ignored, as usual.
"Because SOMEONE," Irvine looked pointedly at Seifer Almasy, "pushed me off the elevator and held it so that I couldn't get on." He sighed. "Alright, really, what do you want? I'm a busy guy, ya know." Irvine mentally slapped himself for pulling a Raijin.
"Well, you see," began Xena, "Balamb Garden's budget has just been cut by....a higher power. So we're going to have to cut back a little." We want more money for ourselves. "And since you four are the only ones in Garden who don't have jobs, you're all going to have to get some." Bwahaha.
"Hey, but Rinoa doesn't have a job!" said Irvine.
"Yes, but she lives off of Squall."
"Can't we just live off of Squall, too?"
"Now there's an idea..." said Cid thoughtfully.
"NO! You imbeciles..." said Xu, flustered. "Squall barely gets enough to support himself, much less Rinoa, anyway! You're going to have to get jobs, or be expelled from the Garden. We will call you back here in two days, and if you haven't found a job by then, then you can kiss your sorry ass goodbye." Shit, I didn't mean to let that last part slip. Oh well, nobody seems to have noticed.
Irvine sighed a fake sigh as he walked out the door. "Fine...there's probably some work down in Balamb that I could do..." YES!!! I'll finally have an excuse to become a professional wrestler! Woohoo! Yeah!
"Well, maybe we'll just get expelled from Garden and you'll have to get yourself a new Disciplinary Committee, cause there's no way in hell that we're getting jobs!" yelled Seifer as he and his posse exited the room.
***
Selphie looked over the cafeteria in success. Yes, everyone was eating the tainted food. Soon, they would all be mindless pawns in her quest for power. Soon, she would build the Empire of Selphie Tilmett!! She walked over to the cafeteria ladies.
"So, you're sure you put that drug I gave you in the food?"
"Yes, of course, your Great Majesty Selphie. Where did you get it, anyway?"
Selphie could never tell anyone about Ma Dincht's undercover drug ring. She'd kill her! "A secret source, ladies."
Soon, the reign of terror would begin.
***
Irvine ran as fast as he could to the garage. He pushed the whining security guard out of the way and stole the car to get to Balamb. Which makes you wonder, does Balamb Garden really only have ONE car?
Anyway, he drove as fast as he could (which was about half the speed at which one could walk) and arrived in Balamb. There was only one place that he knew of that he could become what he wanted...Ma Dincht's.
"Hi, my name is Irvine, and I wanna be a wrastler!" he yelled to no one in particular.
Fortunately, Ma Dincht happened to be standling outside of her house and heard him. "Oooh, a new wrestler! Hang on just a second." She walked back inside her house. "Margiolaus, La Quinta, Fred - hide the goods, quick!" She came back outside. "If you'll just come inside..."
"Oh thank you!" said Irvine as he walked inside. Finally, his dream would come true.
***
Seifer brooded as he sat on his bed in his dorm while Fujin and Raijin just stood there waiting for orders. "I can't believe they want us to get jobs. I mean, I don't REALLY want to be expelled from Garden, but I already work with the Disciplinary Committee. Isn't that enough for them?!"
Raijin looked at Fujin, who nodded her head in support. "Look, uh, ya know, uh Seifer, this whole thing about, ya know, uh, gettin jobs....well, it might not be so bad, ya know?"
"What?"
"Well, we already have a few ideas on what we could do, ya know."
"Oh really? And what do you want to be, Fujin?" asked Seifer, half sarcastic, half confused.
"RAPPER."
"Yeah, she's already, ya know, bought some tapes on how to speak jive, and she's gonna start talkin like that, ya know?"
"WORD."
Seifer blinked and turned back at the dumb one. "What about you, Raijin?"
Raijin blushed. "Well, I've always wanted to be...."
"Yes?"
"....a stripper!"
Seifer's face turned positivly white as the though of Raijin as a stripper came to him. No....oh God, NO!!!!!!!
***
Two days. Two short days to get a job. Well, the rest of his posse seemed pretty successful, with their budding careers already in progress. But Seifer...still had no job. And today was the day they were to be called in to Cid's office. Unfortunately, Fujin and Raijin were currently in Dollet, trying to find Raijin a strip joint.
Seifer stood in his dorm trying to think of what to say when he was called. Suddenly, Quistis appeared in his dorm. "Oh...hey Quistis." he said with a paralizingly sexy grin.
Quistis, however, was unaffected by this. Seifer was beginning to think she was gay. "Seifer, I came to get you-"
"Into bed? This is so sudden!"
"To come to Cid's office." she finished. She didn't even hear Seifer as she was to busy staring at a picture of the posse on his mirror.
"Why didn't he just announce it, as usual?"
"Oh, because he accidentaly sat on the intercom and broke it..." she replied absently. "Where was that picture taken?"
"That was last Halloween. I was the Emperor, Fujin was Darth Vader, and that's Raijin dressed up as Princess Leia in the slave costume from Jabba's Palace."
Silence.
"Um, shouldn't we get going, Instuctor?"
"Yes, right, we're going." Quistis tore her eyes away from Raijin and led Seifer to the office.
***
"Hey Rinoa, I got a paycheck!" Squall bounded into Rinoa's dorm waving the check around wildly.
Rinoa looked up from the episode of Quantum Leap she was watching long enough to say, "Didn't you bring me a check, like, two days ago?" She looked at the check. "This is only for 35 gil! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Oh yeah, about that. They accidentally gave me the wrong check. This is the right one. The other one's void now."
"We can't live off of 35 gil! One of us is going to have to get a job." She thought for minute about the possible jobs Squall would have to get. "Hmmm, I seem to remember Irvine saying to me something about a meeting today in Cid's office about jobs....maybe you should go to that?"
"Yeah maybe....hey why were you talking with Irvine? I thought you hated him!" But Rinoa was already pushing Squall out the door.
***
"Well, it seems we're all here. Shall we start- Oh, Squall. What are you doing here?" said a perplexed Cid.
"I wanna a job, too, Cid!" said Squall as ran to stand beside the other two students.
"Squall, go away, you're already a SeeD."
"But Xuuuuuuuuuuu.....my paycheck was only for 35 gil this month. I can't support both Rinoa and myself on that check!"
"Then why don't you make Rinoa get a job, dumbass?" said, surprisingly, Nida.
"Can we just get on with the meeting?!" said Cid. "Now. Have you all gotten jobs?"
Irvine spoke first. "I got a job as a professional wrestler in Balamb! It's gonna be broadcast all over the world! My new name is Killer Kinneas!" said Irvine in one breath.
"That's great, Irv-"
"Ma Dincht is the chairperson of it, but if you ask me, I don't think she's getting all her money from just wrestling."
"What are you aiming at, Irvine?"
"I think she's in a drug ring and I know for a fact that she owns a male strip joint." answered Irvine. Raijin's interest perked.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just tell me something, Cid. How come we are the only ones who have to get jobs? Selphie doesn't have a job either!" interupted Seifer.
"Don't you DARE mention that name in our presence!" Xu warned. "She has a job as a SeeD, but she never does anything. However, we pay her anyway, cause we're scared of her."
"Hey, what if I was scary? Would you pay me more?"
"Shut up, Squall."
"Alright, Kinneas, you're free to go. But I want to see the money rolling in....soon!" As soon as Cid finished talking, Irvine tore off his over coat to reveal a skintight body suit that looked frighteningly similar to the American Gladiators uniforms and ran out of the room.
"Squall, really, you already have a job. Although, we are in need of another cook in the cafeteria..."
"I'll do it!" yelled Squall and ran towards the cafeteria.
"Why does everybody keep running out?" asked Nida.
Xu shrugged. "Now Seifer, what about you and your, um..."
"Posse?"
"Yes, I suppose. What are they doing?"
Seifer took in a deep breath and began. "Fujin wants to be a rapper. Don't ask. Raijin wants to be a stripper-"
"WHERE?!" Quistis asked excitedly....perhaps, a little too excitedly.
"In, uh, Dollet." answered Seifer, starring at Quistis strangly. She's not gay, she has a crush on Raijin! Well, maybe she IS gay.
"And you, Seifer?" asked Xu.
"OK, look, Xu. I don't have a job. I've tried to get one-really-" Yeah, right. "Couldn't I just work as a SeeD or something? We all know I'm smarter than Squall."
"Headmaster, what do you think about this?" asked Nida.
Cid looked up from his crossword puzzle. "Um, yes, of course, that would be fine." I wonder what the little twerp was asking me this time? Oh well, if I just keep replying 'Yes, of course' to everything, it won't matter.
"Alright, Seifer, we'll have you a mission and a paycheck in a few days."
***
Selphie handed some more drugs to the main cafeteria lady. A few more doses of this crap, and they'd all be under her control!
"Make sure this gets into everyone's food....expecially that Dincht boy, what's his name?"
"Zell?" said one of the cafeteria lady's underlings.
"Yes, Zell, of course. He will most likely prove to be a valuable asset to my plan of world domination." Something to the right caught her eye. "Oh, like, super-duper mega hi Squall!"
"Hi Selphie! Wow, you're so much nice to me than Rinoa..." He paused. "Anyway, I'm gonna start working in the cafeteria now, cause I need two jobs to support me and Rinoa."
No! He's going to ruin my entire plan! Stay calm, Dictator of the Underworld. Calm.
"Why, that's terrific, Squall!" said another one of the underlings, who was rewarded by an evil Selphie glare in her direction.
"So, like, can I get to work, now?" said Squall pushing his way into the kitchen. "Heyyyyy.....what's this?" He picked up the drugs. "Heyyyyy.....I saw some of this at Zell's Mom's house. Heyyyyy.....there's white powder all over the hotdogs. Heyyyyy....."
"Would you cut it out! Hilda, get him!" Hilda (who has remained nameless throughout this entire story, and will go back to being nameless right after this) stuck a needle in his arm and injected a syrum that Selphie had made in her laboratory. Squall instantly passed out and was hog-tied in the back. Just one more name crossed off of Selphie's list.
***
"Weeeeeee! I'm a SeeD!" said Seifer as he skipped like a 5-year-old girl around his dorm. He oblivious to the fact that Fujin and Raijin were also in there.
"Did you just like, say, ya know, your were a SeeD?"
Seifer stopped in mid stride and stared at his posse. Oops. "Yeah! I didn't get a job so Cid just said I could be a SeeD! What have you two been doing all day?"
"Well, we, uh, ya know, didn't find me a place to strip in Dollet, but we did find one in, ya know, Balamb."
"That's good, at least it's closer to home." Seifer encouraged, even though the thought still repulsed him. "Why are you two in my room, anyway?"
"RECORDING."
"Fujin was recording her rap, ya know? Check it out, it's real good, ya know."
"DA BOMB."
Raijin puched 'play' on Seifer's tape recorder. Fujin's unmistakeable voice could be heard over a looping bass and electronic drums.
WHY YOU ALWAYS TALKIN YO SMACK?
YOU JUST MAD CAUSE I DON'T GOT YO BACK.
YOU GONNA WISH YO MAMA WAS INTO GIRLS
SO YOU BETTER STOP MESSIN WITH YO STUPID JERRY CURLS
CAUSE I'M GONNA PULL THAT WEAVE RIGHT OUT YO HEAD
RIGHT AFTER I GET MY PET CHOCOBO FED.
....Cause you are the wind beneath my wings...
"DAMN. I'VE TAPED OVER MY BETTE MIDLER INSPIRATIONAL CASSETTE."
It's safe to say that Seifer was pretty disturbed by this. "Are you going to take that to a record lable or anything?"
"YES. TOMORROW."
"Good luck, Fujin." You're gonna need it.
***
Irvine sat in Ma Dincht's living room, waiting for his new costume to arrive. In two weeks was the big night - his first big professional wrestling fight!
The doorbell rang and he ran with lightning speed to answer it.
"Excuse me, is there a Dincht here? First name, Zell Sr.? I have two packages here."
Her first name is Zell Sr.? "Uh, not right now, but I'll sign for her." He signed and quickly tore open the packages when he got inside. The first one was a whole bunch of little ziplock baggies filled with white powder. Must be flour to bake with. I'll just empty it into her flour jar for her. Then maybe she'll buy me that Brian Latrell action figue I've been wanting! When he was through, he opened the other package - his costume. Oh, what a marvelous costume! So shiny.
Anyway, he decided then and there to put it on and flaunt it about the city. Unfortunately, he ran into Big Bad Rascal, who beat him up as soon as he saw him.
"You wuss! What are you wearing anyway?!"
"Hey, you leave him alone!" yelled Dincht, first name, Zell Sr, who then picked up Irvine from the ground. "My don't you look nice!" she took him back to the house. "I made some cookies, that'll make you feel better." Mmmm, chocolate chip cookies, complete with cocaine lovin'.
***
"Xena, do you hear that?" said Cid, eating a twinkie.
"My name is not Xena! And you DID eat my last twinkie, I knew it!" Xu yelled, pulling the twinkie out of his hand. She listened. "What is that rumbling noise I hear?"
Suddenly the doors popped open to reveal Selphie with a zoned out (aka normal) Squall at her side and and an army of cafeteria ladies behind her. "We're here to take this Garden, and you can't do a damn thing about it!"
"My Selphie, this is sudden. Hey, watch where you point that thing young man!" cried the headmaster as Squall held the lion heart to his neck.
"Ew, Selphie go away! Owie!" said Nida, who promptly got smacked in the head by Selphie.
"Hilda, Bruna, secure the headmaster and his annoying little cronies!"
Fortunately, Xu excaped and ran down to the front of Balamb to find help. Ah, there's Seifer now. This could count as his first mission, I suppose.
"GOOD ONE. SINFUL CAESAR SIPPED HIS SNIFTER, SEIZED HIS KNEES, AND SNEAZED."
"Ooh, I got one, ya know? Chester chooses chestnuts, chedder cheesse, and chewy chives. He chews them as he chooses them. He chooses them as he chews them. Those chestnuts, cheddar cheese, and chewy chives he puts in cheery, charming chunks, ya know?"
"No way, I can top them all off. Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously. Moses, he knowes his toeses aren't roses, as Moses supposes his toeses to be!" Seifer smirked. He was the king of tongue twisters!
"How much corn could a popcorn pop if a popcorn could pop corn?" butted in Xu, content that she had just beaten them all.
"That makes no sense."
"Yeah, that one's stupid, ya know?"
"ON THE REALS, YO."
"Shut up, all of you. I hate you all." Xu then remembered why she was here. "Hey, we need back up in Cid's office, Selphie's trying to take over!"
"Ooh, does that mean I get to kill Selphie?! Let's go!" The four of them ran to the office. Raijin, however, never made it to the office, since he was pulled off the side by Quistis.
"OK, Raijin, what's wrong with you? I've wanted you all my life, and now with this stripping job, are you just trying to tease me or something? Kiss me, you fool!" Quistis pulled Raijin in to kiss him, much to Raijin's surprise.
"Look, lady, I gotta go help the posse, ya know?"
"The posse can take care of themselves!" Quistis tried to kiss him again, but he pulled away and ran in the direction of the office. Quistis followed.
***
"Now, Selphie, I'm sure we can come to an agreement of some sort..." said a petrified Cid, petrified not because Squall's gunblade was at his throat, but because Selphie's hair was dangerously close to him.
"No way, old man! First Garden, then the world! Except I just don't understand why more people didn't join my cult. I drugged them and everything..."
"Cause you just put cocaine in their food. That won't make them follow you, it just makes 'em happy!" said Bruna.
"Oh. Well, no matter. My army will grow once the world realizes the power of Selphie!"
"I don't think so!" yelled Irvine as he crashed into the door, over a trashcan, into a chair, and onto the floor. He quickly picked himself, so that everyone could get a good view of the Killer Kinneas outfit. It was bright gold and silver sequined skintight pants, with a top of suspenders made of the same material . He had on a flashy gold cape and a silver mask on that said across his forehead, 'I MUST CRUSH YOU.'
The mere site of Irvine caused Selphie to faint. "Oh no, we're all worthless without our leader!" exclaimed Hilda.
"Heyyyyy.....I'm here!"
"Shut up, Squal!"
"Hey wait a minute. Where's chicken-wuss and Rinoa?"
"Hmmm."
"Hmmm....hmmm."
"Hmmmmmmm."
"Hmm? Hm. Hmm hmm hmm hmmmmmm hm hmmm! Hm hmmmm!"
Seifer sighed. "So, can I like, kill Selphie now?"
"But we still haven't found chicken-wuss and Zell!" said Squall, who was taking part in the good guys' conversation now.
"Squall Lambertsmirfy Leonheart, did you just call me a chicken-wuss?!" fumed Rinoa, coming in with Zell. She picked her way over Selphie to glare at her sometimes boyfriend.
"Your middle name is LAMBERTSMIRFY?!" laughed Seifer. "What, was your mother on drugs?! Wait a minute, your mother was Raine...yeah, she was on drugs."
"My mother is Raine? So that means my father is Laguna? What the hell?!" Squall released Cid and ran out of the room for Hyne knows what reason.
The cafeteria ladies all decided that this was a good time to leave, so they did. Seifer shrugged and walked over to Selphie's unconcious form and picked it up.
"Ok, so what are we going to do with this....thing?"
"Hey I got it!" said Zell, who had just finished his game of dominoes with Nida during this whole fiasco, "We can kill her and then put her body in places and scare people, like Cid!" Zell looked over at Cid, who had gone to sleep at his desk because he had been left idle for more than one minute.
Just then Selphie woke up and screamed like she was going to kill something, but fortunately, Fujin sliced her head comepletely off.
"Oh, great, Fujin! We were gonna, ya know, take her body and play jokes on people, ya know?"
"Well, we can just put her head in weird places now instead!" said Quistis, coming up behind Raijin to pinch his butt.
"Hey, can I have the body?" asked Xu.
"Why?" asked Rinoa.
"I'm hungry."
"Oh, ok."
***EPILOGUE***
Irvine's attempt at wrestling failed miserably, so after the ruccus he decided to have a little talk with Cid.
"Yo Cid, can I just have a job as a SeeD? Wrestling sucks, and Big Bad Rascal keeps beating me up."
"I thought you were already a SeeD."
"You just described me as 'a sharpshooter from Galbadia'."
"Oh. Well, I guess Squaresoft didn't know either."
Anyway, since Seifer was now a SeeD, they started sending him on all these dumb missions to save small towns and crap. Needless to say, Seifer thought it sucked and quit SeeD, to go back to being in the Disciplinary Committee. Damn, 4 years of trying to be in THAT? What a let down!
Fujin's rap was never released because, well, that sucked, too. She gladly went back to the Disciplinary Committee.
Raijin, however, enjoyed stripping (except for those nights when he'd spy Quistis in the crowd...how revolting) but was forced to come back because, in the immortal words of Seifer, "It just ain't a posse with two people....no offense, Fujin."
Quistis is still looking for love, well, actually just Raijin. She'll get him. Someday.
Squall still works both as a SeeD and as a cafeteria lady ("Cafeteria Sleeping Lionheart!!!"). Rinoa still eats bonbons and lives off of Squall.
Zell is still...well, doing whatever he was doing in this story since he was only in the first and last scenes. Why is that?
THE END