Part 12
Spike awoke in a gray, dark corridor completely mystified as to where he was. It was long, completely featureless, seeming to recede into darkness on either end. This was not going to be easy, he could just tell. He picked a direction, and hoped it was the right one. He walked along not seeming to ever come to an end, or a turn off which he expected. This was getting very bloody boring, and he knew that Buffy´s mind was not that dim. "Okay, luv, I give. What´s the magick word? What makes this change? Where the bloody hell are you?" he asked out loud, and the walls began to shimmer, and become transparent like factual crystals each reflecting a different scene like movies all going through a set loop of images before starting all over again.
Even though the effect was dizzying, it was an improvement over the stark bareness of the gray walls. It was apparent that each of these crystals held a different memory, or event from her life. Some were larger, some smaller he guessed according to how important they had been, or significant. There also seemed to be problems in them. All the early childhood memories seemed to be fine, and fairly straight forward, but beyond that point there seemed to a war going on. First he´d see one set of events take place, and there would be another shimmer, and suddenly there was an additional character in the scene when there hadn´t been before—Dawn. He was looking at Buffy´s original memories of events in her life being replaced by those that the monks had created. It was clear that there was a constant war going on about which set of events was true or not—the original memories, or the replacement ones. He could see this being a very definite problem for her since Dawn had been forcibly inserted into her life more than any of them.
Of all the people that knew Dawn he had actually been the least effected by the forced change of memories because he had been around her for less time. There were times that even he had problems remembering which were real events, and which weren´t—like had Dawn really been there that night at the school, or at the house when he had first met Joyce? Part of him still said no, Dawn hadn´t been there, but now he wasn´t so sure. But once he knew Dawn had only existed since September he was having problems accepting the false memories too like the slayer was having. Eventually, they would get this memory problem sorted out, but first he had to find Buffy, and bring her back to herself no matter how much she was going to fight him.
He followed the line of memories until he found those which he could recognize as being within recent years. He saw her being told she was the Chosen One, her first watcher, slaying her first vampires, burning down the gym at her old school, her having to move to Sunnydale, meeting Giles, Willow, and Xander, and if he remembered rightly Cordelia that was now with Angel in LA. He also saw her first meeting with Angel complete with sounds, and feelings finding it interesting she was distrustful of him, frightened even, and not happy at all for his offer to help her.
It took awhile but he finally located their first meeting in the alley behind the Bronze, but slightly before that he was amused to note that she had noticed him before that, and put him under the category of "god he´s a hotie, gorgeous, very interesting, and very definitely she wanted to meet, and get to know him." Their meeting didn´t change too much of her initial impressions except with the added 'why do all the interesting guys have to be damn vampires?"
Spike sighed, looking at, and enjoying her memories was not finding her, his Buffy. She was still in here somewhere. He picked up the pace, and did note that as he did the more depressed she seemed to be with her life-- both the everyday normal things she was trying to balance with the supernatural worlds she had to also deal with. Before her he hadn´t heard of any other slayer ever attempting, much less being allowed to have a social life, friends, and family along with her duties which was why she was unique, and alone, yet hurting inside so bad. There was so much pain inside of her, more than even he had suspected might be there. All of this was what she kept hidden away from those she cared about. He had known for a long time she was putting a brave front to the world, and masking all of her true feelings both the good, and the bad, especially the bad so she could function and be accepted , even loved by her family and friends. Being accepted, and loved was one of her top motivations, along with defending, and protecting those she cared about personally along with the world in general. Then there was her overwriting sense of responsibility, duty, and self sacrifice no matter what the cost to herself personally, or emotionally.
That was made clear by what she had had to do repeatedly to save the world, and her friends. He realized he really hadn´t made it easier for her with his attitudes, and games. This was a real wake up call for him as well as he looked at how much he had hurt her, and betrayed her trust when she had been willing to give it to him earlier. Despite her denials to her friends, and the world, deep down she had cared about him as a friend, fellow fighter, and had even allowed herself for a brief time to want them to go beyond that both before and after Willow´s spell. Even after Riley she had feelings for him, which would change to anger because he would make her mad, or insult her, and push her further away from wanting him. Finally the only way she could deal with the attraction she had for him was to be nasty first, and tell herself that he was evil, bad, and would hurt everyone if given any chance at all. Spike saw when he had fought back verbally how deeply his words had gone into her mind, and heart, and hurt her further, more so than anything anyone else had said to her. She took everything he said to her to heart, and wished that somehow it could be different because no matter how she tried to deny it she was in love with him, deeply and thoroughly in love which caused her more pain, and hurt because she was afraid of what everyone would think of her, and what kind of horrible person that made her that could only be happy with vampires and not normal, human guys.
"God, luv, I am so sorry for you, and all you´ve been going through. No wonder you bloody freaked when I told you I loved you," he sighed, seeing how she had interpreted his confession of love that night in the warehouse. Though she had been suspecting something was up from his 'weird´ behavior before that—especially when he had tried to kiss her in the alley, and then later when he had tried to comfort her on the back porch. He was grimly amused at her denials of what she thought his new behaviors towards her meant.
He looked long, and hard at her memories of the night he had showed her what Riley had been up to. She had both been frightened and turned on when he had appeared in her bedroom. And yes, she had been naked under those sheets after all as he watched her dress, cussing him out in her head for whatever he was up to, and was dragging her out in the middle of the night to see. This was alternating with worrying whether he was going to turn around, and watch her, and mad because he hadn´t. It had bothered her a lot to 'not´ find Riley asleep next to her. Immediately on discovering her was gone, she had started worrying about where he was, and why he had left. Anger and pain at Riley´s betrayal were the primary things in her mind, but it was tempered with being thoroughly pissed at him for showing her this to hurt her further because she couldn´t figure out whether he was doing this as a friend, or as some horrible mind game to destroy her since he couldn´t do it physically, and wanted his one good day one way, or the other. The hurt won out over the help aspects as she couldn´t believe he would do anything to help her in the long run. It had taken him a while to figure out her reactions, but now he did understand.
It was painful to watch her confront Riley, and his demands to her. He really wished he had killed him after he watched what the boy did to her emotionally. Did the bleedin´ sod care at all about her, and what she was going through with her mom, and worrying about Glory, and her threat to Dawn? He looked on in disbelief as Riley gave Buffy his ultimatum. He was proud of her trying not to give in to the asshole, and thought she would be able to get over him. But Xander, who had been following her, had just had to pick that time to talk to her, and got Buffy´s head even more screwed up, so she thought that she was now in the wrong, and needed to apologize to the sod. He watched her run to the helicopter and try to stop Riley but luckily he never saw her and he left out of her life, except now she was totally blaming herself for breaking them up when it had been the soldier boy´s fault all along. He finally understood why she had been so strange, and hateful since Riley had left. Why the sod´s leaving had hurt her so bad, and why she blamed him for being the cause of it.
At least now he wasn´t having to deal with double images of scenes with, and without Dawn, they all had merged to ones with Dawn always in them by the late summer of this year, roughly around the time Dracula had showed up. He was going to have a talk with her over letting the pouncy bugger bite her, along with her tasting his blood. If she was that curious, he would have been more than willing to do it, and at least explain to Buffy about her darkside like he had about killing the two slayers. He noted Drac never really did tell her anything, and had only gotten the girl more confused, and upset in the process. That was mixed up to with images, and impressions of the First Slayer, and trying to understand what a slayer really was which he finally realized she still didn´t fully know what, and who she was.
After Riley had left all her energies were focused on her friends, her mom, and protecting Dawn from Glory. He saw Giles leave to go talk to the Watcher´s Council. That´s why the kids had been in charge of the shop he figured out now, and why Willow and demon-girl´s spell had resulted in the Troll. Another mystery cleared up. Then came the arrival of the Watchers, and her not being happy about telling them about him, and why the buggers had showed up at his crypt with the twenty questions. He found it interesting that she avoided questions about her mom, and Dawn. He saw in her mind that she gotten the impression they were still going on pre-Dawn history, and had no clue Dawn existed—so she was not going to enlighten them because she didn´t trust them at all—especially after all the bloody hoops they were forcing her to jump through.
He saw why she had brought Joyce and Dawn to his crypt after Glory´s visit. The bint´s visit had shaken her to the core, and she was already shook because of the watchers. Then she got jumped by a group of knights on the way to the shop. She had almost killed one. Since the knight was human, and not a demon it had only served to further upset her, but in her upset had come a revelation on how to deal with the Council, and she did. He was proud of her as she stood up to the lot of them, and told them the way it was going to be from there on out. They were going to answer to her, and not vice versa, and they had to agree because she was the only active slayer since the other one, Faith, was still in jail, and none too stable from what he had seen so far.
Next was telling her friends about Dawn, and what all they knew about the key, along with her attempts to keep Dawn from finding out what she was. No wonder the kid had been so angry whenever he had seen her. Buffy in her zest to protect had gone the wrong way. And Dawn had just freaked. He had known something was up when he had taken her home from the shop that night, and she wouldn´t say anything the entire way. 'God, the kid had tried to kill herself to see if she was alive?´ No wonder Buffy had been thoroughly pissed at him the next morning. But she still should have told the kid beforehand, and not let her have to find out the way she did, though if she hadn´t, then he wouldn´t have been told either. Their adventure had served to make them friends at least, because he could understand what it was to be an outsider, and different.
He got to the disastrous Valentine´s massacre as he called that very wrong day when Dru had decided to show up, and he had been stupid enough to tell Buffy how he really did feel. On one hand it had been a relief to finally tell her how he did feel about her. He suspected that the Nibblet had let that slip to big sis, and he saw he was correct. Though Buffy had already been suspecting he had feelings of love for her long before that, but she was also in deep denial too, and hadn´t wanted to see, or acknowledge that he did care. If Dru and Harmony had just not come around to stick their two cents worth in, and really mucked things up, the evening wouldn´t have been so bad. Buffy had come to his crypt to talk and work out some sort of compromise, but that got blown all to hell because of Dru showing up, his feeding at the Bronze, her finding the lower levels of his crypt, and his shrine. If he just hadn´t of panicked, so that he ended up knocking her out then chaining her up to make her try to listen to him. He had thoroughly blown it all the way around that night. After he had thought about he really hadn´t blamed her for revoking his invite. He saw now that in her mind, his being in love with her was more dangerous her than his hating her. Hate she could deal with. Love was something she couldn´t—especially not from him. Though when she had had to deal with the robot, April, some of her feelings towards him had begun to be reevaluated.
With her mom´s death everything other than grief, and surviving day by day was put on hold. He did see that Willow had told her about the flowers, and his condolences. She had been surprised, suspicious, but then when she thought about how he, and her mom had been friends, and talked she had finally accepted his visit as being sincere, and real. He also saw that Angel had showed up, and that they had spent the night in the cemetery talking. Though she had not mentioned him at all to his sire, nor had he asked, so that´s why he hadn´t had a visitor. He had wondered. He also saw that finally she had realized it was over between her, and Angel—that they could never be together, but they could be friends finally. He felt her relief like a burden had been lifted, and she was free to go on with her life without Angel included in it. They would always love each other, and be friends, but the pain of their not being together ever was gone. They had both accepted that was they way it was, and it just didn´t hurt so much now.
After that was her trying to deal with life without her mom, and trying to be a grownup suddenly responsible fully for Dawn, and their household. He saw the brave face she put on for the world, but how very scared she was when she was alone. How much she had been in pain, and crying, but keeping it all bottled up inside so no one would know. How late at night she went hunting to take out her frustrations, and pain on the demons, and vampires wishing that her real life problems were as easy to deal with. He also saw how she had went out of her way to avoid him on this trips because she didn´t want him to see how bad off she really was because he would have known how bad it was, and told the group, or tried to talk to her. Some of her kills even made him cringe with how vicious she was. The only thing that had been keeping her alive during those trips was the desire to return home for Dawn, and not leave her alone, or the gang unprotected because of Glory.
Finally, he arrived at her last memories of yesterday, last night, and this morning. He saw clearly her fears, and her hopes for his new status. How happy she really was that he was now human, and that there weren´t any real barriers between them now, but that also scared her too. She was so afraid that he would be like every other man in life, and leave her because somehow she messed up by not giving enough of herself 'if´ they got into any kind of relationship. Somehow he would have to get her over this fear. Somehow he would prove to her he was serious, and wasn´t going to walk out on her no matter what. He also saw her guilt at being so nasty to him, and when she had decided to try, and change her attitudes last night while he was packing in his crypt. He knew now that most of the anger, and nastiness she threw at him wasn´t him, but was her way of coping with her attraction to him, and wanting him. Buffy very definitely wanted him, and did care about him, but was afraid to admit to having feelings of love for him because of what Riley, and Angel had done to her.
When they had kissed on the back porch he could see clearly that her desire for him was the same as he was feeling for her. She had wanted to give in completely, and let him make love to her last night very badly. She had been slightly disappointed he had been such a gentleman, but relieved too that she hadn´t had to say no because of Giles, and Dawn in the house, and Angel on his way.
He also saw how much her father´s coming to town soon was freaking her out, and her fears of his taking both her, and Dawn from here, her home where memories of her Mom, her friends, and all she cared about, including him, were as well as her responsibility as a slayer.
Her last memories were all jumbled up, and confused as she woke from her dreams of him, and the future to run downstairs as she heard noises. He saw himself open to door to see Glory standing behind Angel. Her complete panic, and fears for all of them as she grabbed up weapons to battle the goddess. It was when Glory taunted her with how she had killed her mother that Buffy had gone into kill mode, attacking with all her being. When the goddess had been weakened enough to morph into Ben, and she saw in his eyes that he wanted it ended, and she realized he had been lying all this time as to who he was, and how close a call it could have been if they had gone out, she had finally lost it. It was the fact that he was human, and she had never killed a human before, but to kill the goddess she had to kill him. When she had beheaded him she had felt good about killing, and killing him, and that had pushed her over the edge. In sheer horror for her feelings she was having, she had retreated into her mind where he was now.
Spike felt her before he saw her, and heard her sobbing. Following his feelings then the sounds of her crying Spike found her laying down on the gray colored floor, curled into a tight ball. He sank down next to her squatting on the balls of his feet as he looked her over, unsure what do to reach her. Tentatively he reached out a hand, and touched her shoulder, his hand meeting solid flesh as if this was the real world. She jerked back as if burned.
"Go away!" she growled at him, closing her eyes tighter, and edging away from him. "Go back. Leave me alone. Why are you here? Why can´t you leave me alone? I don´t want to go back," Buffy sobbed.
Spike shook his head, 'stubborn as usual´, he thought to himself, but he had known going into to this that getting her to come back wouldn´t be easy. Now he at least understood her pain, her fears, and what had been going through her head. "No, Buffy, I am not going to leave you alone, and I´m here because I bloody well care about you. You do gotta go back, luv. You can´t do this. I know you want to hide, forget everything, not deal with anything ever again, but you can´t hide. Not this bloody way. You´ve got everyone freaked out over you becoming a bloody vegetable. We´re all worried sick about you. We all need you. Dawn needs you. I need you," he told her gently, placing his hand back on her shoulder again.
She shook his hand off, but he put it back, and tried to get her to turn over and face him. She fought him, but finally she did turn a little towards him, but she wouldn´t open her eyes and look at him. "NOOO! I can´t. I don´t want to be needed by anyone. Haven´t I done enough? What more is it going to take until I´m free of all of this? I just want to be left alone. I can´t face anyone after what I have done," she cried. "I killed him. I killed Ben. I´m no better than Faith now."
"Wrong! You´re wrong, luv. You killed a being that was going to destroy all of us, and this world if not more. Faith killed a man by accident. There's no comparison. You didn´t kill a man. You killed a false front, a disguise that Glory was wearing. You did what had to be done, and everyone is proud of you. Everyone is safe because of you," he told her truthfully, knowing it was going to take a lot to convince her that she 'had´ done the right thing and she hadn´t had a choice.
"Yeah—right—safe. Safe for how long? For how long, Spike—for how long this time? How long until the next big bad rises, and wants to kill us? It never ends—ever! There´s always another, and another, and another. It never stops. The evil never stops. I am…just so tired. I never get to really rest. When do I get peace? When do I get to quit fighting the demons, and my life? Because it´s not just the demons—it´s everything, and everyone in it. I got Dawn, the gang, you, school, social workers breathing down my neck, this house, everything—it´s just too much. I just want to be left alone. I don´t want to do it any more. I can´t do it any more---," she sobbed, curling up tighter in a solid ball of misery.
Her words were tearing him in two. He did understand what she was going through. He wished she could know peace, a measure of safety, be able to grieve, but she couldn´t be allowed to yet. "I know, luv…I know. But you can´t stay here, and hide. If you stay, and hide it´ll just be worse for you, and everyone. You won, Buffy. Glory is gone from your life. She can´t hurt you any more. But if you stay here like this then you´ll have no say on what happens next to you, and Dawn. Your Dad will win then. Is that what your Mom would have wanted? For him to win?" he asked her trying another track.
"No…no, she worked too hard to give us this home and keep it because my Dad wouldn´t help her, or us," she answered with a tinge of anger, her crying easing up a little as she did try to focus on what he was saying.
"I know it´s hard having to grow up sudden like this, to be the adult and take care of your sis…"
"No, you don´t. How could you?" Buffy shot back angrily, her eyes opening to glare at him.
At least he was getting her to think, respond, and fight him back. "Because I bloody well had to take care of my Mum, and sisters after my dad died, because my older brother was dead too. I was your age too when it happened so I 'do´ know how it is. I had to be there for them. I had to be the strong one, and know what I was doing because I couldn´t mess up for their sakes. And I was going to school at Eaton when it happened, and had to drop out too. Even after I was turned I made sure they were taken care of. So I know family responsibilities real well, slayer," he told her being truthful.
"You had to take care of your family like me, and you still took care of them after you became a vampire?" she asked surprised, looking at him in both disbelief, and growing respect because here she knew he couldn´t lie to her within the confines of her mind, and the spell he had used to reach her where she had thought she was hidden from everyone.
For once he didn´t flinch back from her penetrating stare. Had had to get this point across to her. He had to bare his soul, his life to her if she was ever to really understand he did know what she was going through. He found himself telling her what no one had ever known about his life before. "Yeah, I did. It wasn´t any easier back then as it is now for you, just suddenly having to be responsible of everyone, and everything when you never had to be before. Like I told you I didn´t let Angelus know my real family was still alive until many long years later. I loved my family, and they cared about me, unlike his, or Darla´s. Dru understood as she had loved hers too, but had to watch them get butchered by Angelus, and Darla. After I was turned I made sure that they all were still cared for, and made sure my sisters married well," he said with a touch of both sadness and pride.
"How? How could you if you were a vampire?" she asked, still not understanding how it was, or had been possible for him to go against everything she knew about vampires.
"I don´t bloody know how? I just did—all right! To me my family was what bloody counted. Yeah, I was shocked to find out what I had become. My first thoughts when I awoke once I figured out what had happened were about what was happening with my Mum, and sisters and, who was going to watch over them with me not able to. I couldn´t go back around them, not in my state of being undead. I sure didn´t want Angelus, or any of them getting near them either. Anyway, I got a hold of my cousin, and his wife on me Mum´s side, and had them come live with my Mum. I didn´t let anyone know I was dead. I made up this story that I had to go out of the country suddenly on business, getting hired to do research in Egypt. The family had no choice, but to accept the story. Every once in a while I´d send letters, money, and gifts, then I´d get letters from them that I had them send through my lawyer. This was how I managed to keep my title, and the illusion that I was still alive. I even managed to show up for each of my sister´s weddings, and was there for their funerals too. Took a bit of makeup to pull it off, and ditzing Angelus and Dru, but I did show up when it counted. So they never knew I had died, until it was safe for me do so. The only ones who knew the whole story was my cousin, and my lawyer," Spike explained to her.
"Wow," was all Buffy could say in shock to his confession. "And Angel never caught on?" she asked finally.
"Almost one time, but that was when we were in China, and he had his soul. He came across a letter from my lawyer telling me that my Mum had just died, and wanting to know what I wanted to do about the estate, and my nephew, James who was about to go to Eaton. He started to question me about it, but then Darla came in, and he shut up. We all went out hunting because he was trying to prove to Darla he was still a demon enough for her. While I was killing my first slayer, he was saving missionaries. Darla found out. They had a big fight over his not killing a baby, and he left—vanished completely from all of our lives until we saw him here in Sunnydale at the high school," he explained.
"You´re still the weirdest vampire I´ve ever known. You take care of your real family, but then you kill everyone else´s. You care about others, you´re loyal, you stayed with Drusilla for years and took care of her and then helped me with and without the chip."
"Ex-vampire now, luv, remember? No more sun allergy, or liquid diets?" he reminded her.
"Yeah, that´s still hard to get used to—no more vampire," she told him wiping her tears with the back of her hand.
"But that isn´t a bad thing now is it?" he asked, sitting down on the ground next to her.
"It still too freaky for me to deal with yet," she said truthfully. "I remember now when Angel became human for a day, but then he had the Powers turn him back, so he could still be a warrior. He wouldn´t even try to have a life with me, and made them blank out my memories of that day. Maybe I´m afraid the same would happen with you if I let you get close to me. I´d care, and want a life but you would rather be all noble, and fight instead—can you understand that?´ she asked.
"I am not Angel. I would always chose you over being a fighter. Haven´t you figured that out by now? You, Dawn, your life, your world are what counts for me—the hell with everything else unless it messes with you, or us personally. Maybe I´m being bloody selfish, but the soddin´ Powers don´t mean jack to me. I´m not their bloody instrument like Angel thinks he is. I´m not noble. I´m rude, crass—well, you bloody well know all my bad points—but point is I am here for you—not them. I asked Willow to give me back my bloody soul because I couldn´t stand how much you hated me because I didn´t have one, and couldn´t measure up to Angel in your eyes. That I became human on top of it was something I never dreamed of, or hoped for. It´s wonderful, and I like it, and accept it. But whether I'm or not nothing is going to make me leave you like he did, or Riley. They were stupid to. Even if you don´t love me, I will be here for you for everything good, and bad. Whatever you, and Dawn need," he told her, searching her face to try to see how his words were affecting her.
"You really mean that?" Buffy asked.
"Yes, with no pressure, or pain either. I know how much you are afraid of love, being loved, and giving it. You´re afraid you´ll let me down, and not be able to love me as much as I love you. Love isn´t a bloody contest. Love just is with each love being different from the next, and in different ways. No love for another is ever the same, nor should it be. You have lots of pain to work through, fears, grief, and too bloody much going on in you life. To expect you to ignore everything else going on would be wrong. I´m not Riley, and I don´t need assurances of whether you care for me as I have seen the truth here in your mind. I have loved you for years knowing you didn´t love me, and I kept on loving you despite your hating, and pushing me away—think I´m bloody well going to change now?" he asked gently, touching her face, and pleased to see that she was leaning into his touch and not jerking away from it.
"No, I guess not," she answered seeing he was telling her truthfully that no matter what she did, or said, he would love her, and still be there no matter what. "I´m still afraid though," she admitted.
"Yeah, I got that, luv. I am too in my own way. Loving you from a distance is one thing, but really loving you close up is hard because I know how I usually muck up things. And I want things to be so right between us. I don´t want to make mistakes, but I know I bloody well will," he confessed with a deep sigh.
"I guess that is part of living, isn´t it? Whether you are a vampire, or a human," she realized finally that being human didn't make one perfect, nor did having a soul, or not really hadn't made that much difference when it came to him. His heart had stayed the same. He was still the same man inside...the man she was falling in love with. The only thing that had changed was the outer casing and even that didn't matter. She wanted him even if he suddenly turned back to being a vampire. That he was mortal was just a bonus. She smiled at him, her heart expanding with hew found realizations.
"Yeah, but for you I don´t want to. I love you, Buffy, and I always will no matter what, or for how long we´re both around, since I have also acquired an expiration date," he smiled back.
She leaned forward, and kissed him gently on the lips. He wanted to kiss her back, but he was unsure where this was going, and he want this, their kissing, to be happening in reality. He could feel the kiss, but he wanted to feel it more, and to feel her body as well. He kissed her back just as gently, his lips brushing across hers, then he sat back to see what was going to happened next.
"Thanks," she told him, looking at him with new respect.
"For what?" he asked, unsure what this thanks was about. With her he had learned never to assume anything. It was safer for his body parts that way.
"For this, coming after me, talking with me, reassuring me…loving me, when I´m still not sure how I do feel about you—us—anything." Buffy said, and then ducked her head at his questioning look. "okay, I do love you, but it still scares the hell out me, and I´m so used to fighting fuzzy feeling where you are concerned it´s a habit—one I am going to try to break, but it´s not going to be easy," she admitted, blushing a little.
He smiled at her for her once honest admission. He had been right all along. She did have feelings for him. There was something very real between them. Now that she had admitted it to him and to herself he was still going to go cautiously now that he did understand how fragile she really was when it came to love and her real feelings. "I know, luv. I do understand. It took me awhile too to admit it, accept it, and then figure out what to do with my feelings. You´ll get yours sorted out. I know you do love me, and it scares you. I accept that. I´ll wait, luv, however long it takes until you do feel safe, that you want to let yourself feel what you are feeling, but now you have to come back—snap out of this, and wake up," he told her.
"It´s safe here," she said getting afraid again at the idea of facing her reality again.
"Is it really? No matter what you can´t run away from yourself, and you´ve got everyone worried sick about you, otherwise I wouldn´t be here, so wake up, luv. You can deal with everything if you let everyone help too. You don´t have to do it all alone," he reassured her. "Wake up."
Buffy looked at him sadly, and nodded. She still didn´t want to go back, but she knew she had to. Running away never really solved anything. It only made things worse as her experiences after she had sent Angel to hell had proved to her both in LA, and when she had returned. There was still fallout from that period in both her head, and her friend´s heads because of her abandoning them. If she didn´t come back to herself then she would be making a bigger mess for them all to deal with. She didn´t need more messes to deal with.
"Okay, you win. I´m waking up now," she told him, closing her eyes and when she opened them she was back in her room, in her bed.
End part 12