By Amanda
Zelgadiss marched into Fanfiction Headquarters, determination in his stride and a look he thought of as threatening carefully arranged on his face. He had dealt with years of torture, and he was going to correct the situation right now. The most recent fanfic with the whiny brat was the last straw. He didn't want those little clingy hands on him one more time.
Spotting the desk, he strode up to it and stood with an air of intense demand in front of the unfortunate secretary behind the desk. "Yes?" she asked coolly, examining her freshly painted lime green nails. Zelgadiss scowled at the lack of attention she was giving him in this most dire of situations.
"I have had enough!" Zelgadiss said, beginning his tirade.
"Oh, hello Mr. Graywords!" she drawled perkily, extending the 'o' in 'hello' a few syllables longer than need be. "Our favorite fanfiction subject!" she smiled warmly. Zelgadiss felt like he was withering at this moment. Life never treated him as it should.
"I'm here to file a complaint."
"Complaint? What could you possibly have to complain about?" she asked, cool once more.
"I have been paired up with that whiny brat enough in fanfiction. This last fic was the last straw. What was it called? Oh, yes. I think it was 'Roses in Winter's Twilight.' It had a description of her dress that lasted ten minutes," Zelgadiss complained.
"Yes, those dresses the authors design are lovely, aren't they?"
Zelgadiss began to feel the headache pressing into his head already. "No. The more time with her the worse it is. She is mad. Absolutely insane."
"Well, we've all always thought so. She can be so annoyingly perky, can't she?"
"Yes! Pair her with someone with her own shallow level of mental depth, like Gourry!" Zelgadiss finally felt like he was getting through to this moron behind the desk!
"Yes, they are quite stupid, aren't they?" the secretary giggled.
"Sometimes. In fanfiction she is so clingy. Always fawning over me. 'I love you Zelgadiss Graywords!' she says. It is absolutely sickening to see her do that! After acting a fanfic with her I don't want to see her for days! She's such a crybaby and always wasting her life away staring at me in those fanfics. Do you understand how disturbing that is?"
"Oh, yes, I certainly do Mr. Graywords," the secretary nodded enthusiastically.
"Even in real life her immaturity can be absolutely mind-boggling. Sometimes I just want to slap that mouth of hers." Zelgadiss was feeling better. This argument, even if it was a tiny bit exaggerated, felt liberating.
"Oh, I agree Mr. Graywords," the secretary looked lovingly and enthusiastically at the oblivious Chimera.
"So, no more romance fanfiction with a whiny baby for me. If you absolutely must pair me up, pair me up with someone smart. Someone who is at least partially sane, please! Pair me up with a powerful lady whom I can have a conversation with." Pausing briefly to reflect on the perfection of his grammatical construction, he then went on... "Pair me up with someone enthusiastic, who generally thinks before she acts."
"Yes sir, Mr. Graywords!" the secretary beamed.
"Good, you understand. Never pair me up with Lina again."
"Lina?" the secretary blinked in surprise.
"Yeah, who did you think I was talking about? Ameria? That's a laugh," Zelgadiss said, turning around and leaving. Dismayed, the secretary watched him go. She sat in shock for a few minutes, and just as she was about to get back to work she heard a heated voice call out.
"You! I want to file a complaint! No more fics where I'm paired with someone who has rocks for brains!" Lina said, glaring at the poor secretary.
"I quit!" the secretary announced, slamming her pencil down on her desk. She shouldered her purse and stormed out.
"Gee"I didn't intend to be quite that terrifying..." Lina said to herself, watching the flustered secretary leave.
End!
Note: I apologize to any alt fans who take offense to this. That is not my intention. You may flame me to relieve your feelings if you so desire.