FINAL FANTASY VII
Tifa Lockheart in: "Hit 'n' Run Like Hell"
(open to Shin-Ra HQ. Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Barrett are on the 2nd floor. They are in the Shin-Ra Motor Mobiles Section of the HQ)
Aeris: So, what kind of car do you think you'll buy, Tifa?
Tifa: I'm not sure... What do you think, Cloud?
Cloud: Huh?
Barrett: The hell you askin' him for?! He don't know squat 'bout cars!
Cloud: Sure I do!
Barrett: Oh yeah?! Then how come you couldn't tell the difference between a Shin-Ra 6.4 Class Vehicle an' a Shin-Ra 7.8 Class Vehicle?!?!
Cloud: (ashamed) I got confused with the decimals...
Barrett: Trust me, Tifa, you don't want no gettin' advice on buyin' cars from this man whore.
(a Shin-Ra employee approaches the party)
Employee: Ca-Can I h-help you fo-folks?
Tifa: Yes. Which one of these lovely vehicles would you recommend for a first time buyer?
Employee: (confused) ...uh, all of them. (the party stare blankly at him)
(cut to the motor way. A small, green car looms into view. Zoom in to see that the party are inside the wreckage on wheels. Tifa is at the wheel, Aeris is sat beside her, while Cloud and Barrett are squirming about in the back seats)
Cloud: Ugh... ugh... Tifa, Barrett's poking me!!
Tifa: Oh, grow up, Cloud! I can't concentrate on the road!
Cloud: (angry) You shouldn't be driving then!
Aeris: Hee hee! Isn't this just the bestest car you've ever been in? (bounces up and down) The seats are so comfy-womfy!
Tifa: Please stop that, Aeris. It's a distraction.
Barrett: Why'd ya have to go and buy this stupid wreck anyways? Why didn't ya get the motorcycle instead?
Tifa: I can't ride motorcycles, Barrett! I'm not friggin' Cloud Strife, you know! (calmly) I just needed something safe and reliable to get me to work on time. I've been late three times in a row in the last three days, you know. I'm starting to lose all my regulars... regular customers, I mean.
Cloud: Ow! I think (squirms) there's a pin in these seats!
Barrett: Calm down, ya helpless fool!
Cloud: Don't tell me to calm down! Ow, damn this! (pulls out a six inch spike from under his butt) Man, this car is a potential death trap!
Tifa: (turns around to face Cloud) Oh, Cloud! You've just teared the leather!
Aeris: Hee hee! (bounces up and down) #The wheels on the car go round and round, round and... uh... round, round and round! The wheels on the car go round and round, round and round and round!#
Tifa: Ugh!
Aeris: #The windscreen wipers on the car go up and down, up and down, up and down! The windscreen wipers on the car go up and down, up and down... (drones on)
Cloud: My ass! Oh God, I think there's something else back here!
Barrett: Stop your damn whimperin', Cloud!
Cloud: Swap seats with me, Barrett.
Barrett: No way!
(Tifa's hands grip really tight around the wheel and she frowns in anger)
Cloud: Aw, c'mon! Don't be mean!
Barrett: Up yo' ass!
Aeris: ...side to side, side to side!#
Tifa: (turns to face all her friends) SHUT UP!!!!
(the car hits something on the road. Tifa slams on the breaks and stops the vehicle immediately)
Aeris: (nervous) Wha-What was that?
Tifa: (nervous) I-I don't know...
Barrett: (normal) Then get out the car an' check, missy!
(Tifa opens her car door and gets out. Cloud, Barrett and Aeris stare at each other nervously. Moments later, Tifa gets back into the car. Her eyes and mouth are open wide in horror)
Cloud: What was it?
Tifa: Uh...
Aeris: Tifa?
Tifa: Uh...
Barrett: #@$% this! I'll go an' see for myself! (gets out of the car)
(pan out of the car. Barrett walks along the dark road. He finds someone's body on the side of the road. He tilts the person's head to one side to see it is Tseng)
Barrett: Mother #@$%^&*! I've always hated you, man! (runs back to the car and gets inside) You guys are not gonna believe who I jus' saw!
Cloud: Tseng... we know. Tifa told us.
Barrett: #@$%! Then why didn't ya tell me instead o' makin' me go out there an' look at that?! I'm gonna have nightmares for days! Possibly weeks... depends if somethin' else comes up between now and then...
Aeris: This does not look good! The police'll never believe an AVALANCHE member killed one of the Turks by mistake! Even I have my doubts...
Barrett: Okay, okay! Nobody panic! I seen this in "The Simpsons" once... all we have to do is make it look like an accident.
Tifa: How?!
Barrett: I haven't thought that far ahead. Gimme a chance.
Tifa: Oh no! What've I done to that poor, poor man?! I'm gonna get life behind bars for this!
Cloud: It wasn't your fault, Tifa. Just remember that thousands of people drive down this road every single day. They'll never be able to pin this on you. I say we just drive off and forget about it. Who knows, maybe Tseng will be okay. I mean, Aeris dies every fanfic and she's always back the very next time, right Aeris? (looks around but Aeris has disappeared) Where'd she go?
Tifa: I can't just brush this off and carry on as normal. What kind of human being does that make me?
Barrett: 'Scuse me, guys, but I don't think we should be hangin' around here when there's a dead body a few yards down the road. Let's get back home and discuss this over a beer. Cloud, you can have an orange juice.
Cloud: (happy) You bet I can!!
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are in the basement. Tifa is pacing the floor)
Barrett: Calm down, Tifa! You act guilty, you look guilty!
Tifa: I can't help it. I keep thinking about that man's body left lying on the road like it was.
Cloud: Uh, Tifa? He's right here. (pan across to see Tseng's limp body slumped on the couch)
Tifa: Why the heck did you bring him back with us?!
Cloud: Well I couldn't very well leave him there, could I?! It wouldn't look very good if the cops found him, would it?!
Tifa: But bringing the body here makes us look even more guilty!!
Cloud: All right, all right! I'll take him outside! God, I was only thinking of you! (gets up off the couch)
Tifa: No! Don't touch that corpse!
Cloud: Jeez, make up your mind! (sits back down and turns on the television)
Tifa: Oh Barrett, what should we do?!
Barrett: Well, first we're gonna watch some TV, and then we'll go bury this guy's body in Aeris's garden.
Tifa: (frustrated) Urgh!!
(cut to the Sector 5 Slums. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are in Aeris's garden with Tseng's body. Cloud has dug a hole in the ground)
Cloud: 'Kay, throw him in. (Tifa rolls the body into the hole and Cloud fills it back up with earth) And that is that. Let's go home now.
Tifa: This feels so wrong...
Barrett: Give the body back to the authorities if ya want, Tifa, but don't drag us into it, okay?
Cloud: Yeah, we've been in enough trouble this year without this addin' to the list.
Tifa: But how can I live with myself?
(cut to the Midgar Church. The Reverend Roland is in the backroom. Tifa walks in)
Tifa: Knock knock! Uh, hi Reverend. Can I come in?
Reverend: What can I do you for?
Tifa: What's the Lord's opinion on murder?
Reverend: I'm sorry, but you've really come to the wrong place. We sell cookies here.
(cut to 7th Heaven. Tifa walks in through the front door. Cloud is sitting at the bar)
Cloud: How was church?
Tifa: A complete waste of time as usual. Anyone call while I was out?
Cloud: No... oh, 'cept the cops.
Tifa: The cops?! They were here?!
Cloud: The cops were here?! What?! When?!
Tifa: I don't know! I asked you!
Cloud: Huh?
Tifa: When were the cops here?!
Cloud: Oh, yeah, sorry. Blame it on the high level of mako energy infused into my body.
Tifa: What did they say?
Cloud: They were making inquiries about Tseng. He's mysteriously disappeared, you know.
Tifa: Of course he has! He's dead and buried, remember?!
Cloud: Vaguely... anyhow, I said I didn't know anything, so you're fine.
Tifa: (sighs) I can't go on like this forever. I've got to confess.
Cloud: No! You can't confess now! It's been thirty two hours! It's too late!
Tifa: But I killed a man! I killed an innocent man!
Cloud: (snorts) Tseng - innocent? Good one!
Tifa: Then if I can't come clean I'm just gonna have to leave town.
Cloud: Leave town?! You can't do that, either! You'll cause too much suspicion!
Tifa: Argh! I'm going insane here!!
Cloud: This'll all blow over. They'll get fed up soon enough. Trust me.
Tifa: All I wanted to do was to buy a new car. I never thought it'd cause this much trouble.
Cloud: Hey, no one did! That's what makes it interesting!
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Barrett is out with his daughter Marlene. The police approach him)
Cop #1: Excuse me, sir, but (holds up a photo of Tseng in his underwear) have you seen this man?
Barrett: Nah! I would've remembered someone as ugly as him!
Cop #2: How about you, little girl?
Marlene: (looks at the picture) His chest isn't as hairy as my daddy's.
Barrett: (to Marlene) Yeah, well, not everyone has access to their own personal trainer, baby.
(cut to 7th Heaven. Barrett and Marlene walk in)
Barrett: You guys, we got problems. The cops've started inquiries right here in the neighbourhood.
Cloud: We know. They talked to me earlier.
Tifa: It didn't blow over, Cloud! This is going to be one of those investigations that go on for months and months! I'm never going to be able to face the public again! I'm going to have to live here in the bar for the rest of my life!
Barrett: Damn, why did this have to happen?! Why did you take your eyes off the road, Tifa?!
Tifa: I didn't mean to!
Cloud: That's what they all say. (takes a sip of his beer)
Tifa: Cloud, Barrett, thank you for all your support, but I'm really going to have to flee the city. Maybe even the country. I could emigrate to Wutai or back to my home town Nibelheim.
Barrett: You ain't goin' nowhere! We'll look after ya, right Cloud?
Cloud: You bet we will. We won't let those dirty cops haul you away to jail.
Tifa: Thanks guys... but I've made up my mind. I'm going to confess everything to the police.
Cloud: (sincerely) If that's what you want, but don't mention us, okay?
(cut to Midgar Police Department. Tifa walks in to the front desk)
Tifa: Hi, I have some information you might be interested in.
Cop #3: (yawns) I doubt it.
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud and Barrett are sitting at the bar. Tifa bursts in with a smile on her face)
Tifa: Howdy ho, guys!
Cloud: Tifa?! They didn't lock you up?!
Tifa: No.
Barrett: The hell not?!
Tifa: Because they've been after Tseng for months. It seems he's been wanted for a number of unsolved crimes in the city. It turns out I did them a favour by killing him.
Barrett: I'll be damned...
Cloud: Oh wow! This is cause for a party! Marlene, crack open the champagne!
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THE END__________
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Tifa Lockheart in: "Hit 'n' Run Like Hell"
(open to Shin-Ra HQ. Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Barrett are on the 2nd floor. They are in the Shin-Ra Motor Mobiles Section of the HQ)
Aeris: So, what kind of car do you think you'll buy, Tifa?
Tifa: I'm not sure... What do you think, Cloud?
Cloud: Huh?
Barrett: The hell you askin' him for?! He don't know squat 'bout cars!
Cloud: Sure I do!
Barrett: Oh yeah?! Then how come you couldn't tell the difference between a Shin-Ra 6.4 Class Vehicle an' a Shin-Ra 7.8 Class Vehicle?!?!
Cloud: (ashamed) I got confused with the decimals...
Barrett: Trust me, Tifa, you don't want no gettin' advice on buyin' cars from this man whore.
(a Shin-Ra employee approaches the party)
Employee: Ca-Can I h-help you fo-folks?
Tifa: Yes. Which one of these lovely vehicles would you recommend for a first time buyer?
Employee: (confused) ...uh, all of them. (the party stare blankly at him)
(cut to the motor way. A small, green car looms into view. Zoom in to see that the party are inside the wreckage on wheels. Tifa is at the wheel, Aeris is sat beside her, while Cloud and Barrett are squirming about in the back seats)
Cloud: Ugh... ugh... Tifa, Barrett's poking me!!
Tifa: Oh, grow up, Cloud! I can't concentrate on the road!
Cloud: (angry) You shouldn't be driving then!
Aeris: Hee hee! Isn't this just the bestest car you've ever been in? (bounces up and down) The seats are so comfy-womfy!
Tifa: Please stop that, Aeris. It's a distraction.
Barrett: Why'd ya have to go and buy this stupid wreck anyways? Why didn't ya get the motorcycle instead?
Tifa: I can't ride motorcycles, Barrett! I'm not friggin' Cloud Strife, you know! (calmly) I just needed something safe and reliable to get me to work on time. I've been late three times in a row in the last three days, you know. I'm starting to lose all my regulars... regular customers, I mean.
Cloud: Ow! I think (squirms) there's a pin in these seats!
Barrett: Calm down, ya helpless fool!
Cloud: Don't tell me to calm down! Ow, damn this! (pulls out a six inch spike from under his butt) Man, this car is a potential death trap!
Tifa: (turns around to face Cloud) Oh, Cloud! You've just teared the leather!
Aeris: Hee hee! (bounces up and down) #The wheels on the car go round and round, round and... uh... round, round and round! The wheels on the car go round and round, round and round and round!#
Tifa: Ugh!
Aeris: #The windscreen wipers on the car go up and down, up and down, up and down! The windscreen wipers on the car go up and down, up and down... (drones on)
Cloud: My ass! Oh God, I think there's something else back here!
Barrett: Stop your damn whimperin', Cloud!
Cloud: Swap seats with me, Barrett.
Barrett: No way!
(Tifa's hands grip really tight around the wheel and she frowns in anger)
Cloud: Aw, c'mon! Don't be mean!
Barrett: Up yo' ass!
Aeris: ...side to side, side to side!#
Tifa: (turns to face all her friends) SHUT UP!!!!
(the car hits something on the road. Tifa slams on the breaks and stops the vehicle immediately)
Aeris: (nervous) Wha-What was that?
Tifa: (nervous) I-I don't know...
Barrett: (normal) Then get out the car an' check, missy!
(Tifa opens her car door and gets out. Cloud, Barrett and Aeris stare at each other nervously. Moments later, Tifa gets back into the car. Her eyes and mouth are open wide in horror)
Cloud: What was it?
Tifa: Uh...
Aeris: Tifa?
Tifa: Uh...
Barrett: #@$% this! I'll go an' see for myself! (gets out of the car)
(pan out of the car. Barrett walks along the dark road. He finds someone's body on the side of the road. He tilts the person's head to one side to see it is Tseng)
Barrett: Mother #@$%^&*! I've always hated you, man! (runs back to the car and gets inside) You guys are not gonna believe who I jus' saw!
Cloud: Tseng... we know. Tifa told us.
Barrett: #@$%! Then why didn't ya tell me instead o' makin' me go out there an' look at that?! I'm gonna have nightmares for days! Possibly weeks... depends if somethin' else comes up between now and then...
Aeris: This does not look good! The police'll never believe an AVALANCHE member killed one of the Turks by mistake! Even I have my doubts...
Barrett: Okay, okay! Nobody panic! I seen this in "The Simpsons" once... all we have to do is make it look like an accident.
Tifa: How?!
Barrett: I haven't thought that far ahead. Gimme a chance.
Tifa: Oh no! What've I done to that poor, poor man?! I'm gonna get life behind bars for this!
Cloud: It wasn't your fault, Tifa. Just remember that thousands of people drive down this road every single day. They'll never be able to pin this on you. I say we just drive off and forget about it. Who knows, maybe Tseng will be okay. I mean, Aeris dies every fanfic and she's always back the very next time, right Aeris? (looks around but Aeris has disappeared) Where'd she go?
Tifa: I can't just brush this off and carry on as normal. What kind of human being does that make me?
Barrett: 'Scuse me, guys, but I don't think we should be hangin' around here when there's a dead body a few yards down the road. Let's get back home and discuss this over a beer. Cloud, you can have an orange juice.
Cloud: (happy) You bet I can!!
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are in the basement. Tifa is pacing the floor)
Barrett: Calm down, Tifa! You act guilty, you look guilty!
Tifa: I can't help it. I keep thinking about that man's body left lying on the road like it was.
Cloud: Uh, Tifa? He's right here. (pan across to see Tseng's limp body slumped on the couch)
Tifa: Why the heck did you bring him back with us?!
Cloud: Well I couldn't very well leave him there, could I?! It wouldn't look very good if the cops found him, would it?!
Tifa: But bringing the body here makes us look even more guilty!!
Cloud: All right, all right! I'll take him outside! God, I was only thinking of you! (gets up off the couch)
Tifa: No! Don't touch that corpse!
Cloud: Jeez, make up your mind! (sits back down and turns on the television)
Tifa: Oh Barrett, what should we do?!
Barrett: Well, first we're gonna watch some TV, and then we'll go bury this guy's body in Aeris's garden.
Tifa: (frustrated) Urgh!!
(cut to the Sector 5 Slums. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are in Aeris's garden with Tseng's body. Cloud has dug a hole in the ground)
Cloud: 'Kay, throw him in. (Tifa rolls the body into the hole and Cloud fills it back up with earth) And that is that. Let's go home now.
Tifa: This feels so wrong...
Barrett: Give the body back to the authorities if ya want, Tifa, but don't drag us into it, okay?
Cloud: Yeah, we've been in enough trouble this year without this addin' to the list.
Tifa: But how can I live with myself?
(cut to the Midgar Church. The Reverend Roland is in the backroom. Tifa walks in)
Tifa: Knock knock! Uh, hi Reverend. Can I come in?
Reverend: What can I do you for?
Tifa: What's the Lord's opinion on murder?
Reverend: I'm sorry, but you've really come to the wrong place. We sell cookies here.
(cut to 7th Heaven. Tifa walks in through the front door. Cloud is sitting at the bar)
Cloud: How was church?
Tifa: A complete waste of time as usual. Anyone call while I was out?
Cloud: No... oh, 'cept the cops.
Tifa: The cops?! They were here?!
Cloud: The cops were here?! What?! When?!
Tifa: I don't know! I asked you!
Cloud: Huh?
Tifa: When were the cops here?!
Cloud: Oh, yeah, sorry. Blame it on the high level of mako energy infused into my body.
Tifa: What did they say?
Cloud: They were making inquiries about Tseng. He's mysteriously disappeared, you know.
Tifa: Of course he has! He's dead and buried, remember?!
Cloud: Vaguely... anyhow, I said I didn't know anything, so you're fine.
Tifa: (sighs) I can't go on like this forever. I've got to confess.
Cloud: No! You can't confess now! It's been thirty two hours! It's too late!
Tifa: But I killed a man! I killed an innocent man!
Cloud: (snorts) Tseng - innocent? Good one!
Tifa: Then if I can't come clean I'm just gonna have to leave town.
Cloud: Leave town?! You can't do that, either! You'll cause too much suspicion!
Tifa: Argh! I'm going insane here!!
Cloud: This'll all blow over. They'll get fed up soon enough. Trust me.
Tifa: All I wanted to do was to buy a new car. I never thought it'd cause this much trouble.
Cloud: Hey, no one did! That's what makes it interesting!
(cut to the Sector 7 Slums. Barrett is out with his daughter Marlene. The police approach him)
Cop #1: Excuse me, sir, but (holds up a photo of Tseng in his underwear) have you seen this man?
Barrett: Nah! I would've remembered someone as ugly as him!
Cop #2: How about you, little girl?
Marlene: (looks at the picture) His chest isn't as hairy as my daddy's.
Barrett: (to Marlene) Yeah, well, not everyone has access to their own personal trainer, baby.
(cut to 7th Heaven. Barrett and Marlene walk in)
Barrett: You guys, we got problems. The cops've started inquiries right here in the neighbourhood.
Cloud: We know. They talked to me earlier.
Tifa: It didn't blow over, Cloud! This is going to be one of those investigations that go on for months and months! I'm never going to be able to face the public again! I'm going to have to live here in the bar for the rest of my life!
Barrett: Damn, why did this have to happen?! Why did you take your eyes off the road, Tifa?!
Tifa: I didn't mean to!
Cloud: That's what they all say. (takes a sip of his beer)
Tifa: Cloud, Barrett, thank you for all your support, but I'm really going to have to flee the city. Maybe even the country. I could emigrate to Wutai or back to my home town Nibelheim.
Barrett: You ain't goin' nowhere! We'll look after ya, right Cloud?
Cloud: You bet we will. We won't let those dirty cops haul you away to jail.
Tifa: Thanks guys... but I've made up my mind. I'm going to confess everything to the police.
Cloud: (sincerely) If that's what you want, but don't mention us, okay?
(cut to Midgar Police Department. Tifa walks in to the front desk)
Tifa: Hi, I have some information you might be interested in.
Cop #3: (yawns) I doubt it.
(cut to 7th Heaven. Cloud and Barrett are sitting at the bar. Tifa bursts in with a smile on her face)
Tifa: Howdy ho, guys!
Cloud: Tifa?! They didn't lock you up?!
Tifa: No.
Barrett: The hell not?!
Tifa: Because they've been after Tseng for months. It seems he's been wanted for a number of unsolved crimes in the city. It turns out I did them a favour by killing him.
Barrett: I'll be damned...
Cloud: Oh wow! This is cause for a party! Marlene, crack open the champagne!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END__________
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