Adia looked up from her homework and sighed into space. No matter how old she got, she always had maths homework. It was all about pi, and attempting that only produced scribbled mistakes and a hollow, hungry feeling. It was something stupid about the area of circles or other…shapes… Idly, she let her pencil skid along the page, paying it no mind. She had sketched things for year blind, not letting it stop her love for drawing. And, looking back, some of them had even looked remotely like what they were supposed to. The trick was not to take the pencil off the page… She looked down and blanched. She'd been sketching Quatre, sleeping head on his arms. ~ Am I that far-gone? ~ Adia thought wryly, holding it up to the light. ~ Not bad, if I do say so myself. ~ A few shared kisses, but that was about it, and she was sketching him in her maths book, beside the scribbles of her homework. ~ Dear God, Adia, you're turning into one of those obsessives, like Princess Relena. ~ She'd always resisted the idea that she'd ever be like that. For one thing, how was she supposed to judge if a guy was presentable, if she couldn't see them?
Reaching for an eraser, she paused, and sighed, amused despite herself. Instead, she tore the page out and put it in a steadily growing pile of drawings in her drawer. For a moment she entertained the possibility of burning the evidence, but couldn't quite bring herself to do it. ~ It's only because we don't have a fireplace, ~ she told herself, and turned back to her homework.
^^^
"Hey! Quatre! You coming or not?" Adia yelled up the stairs. She'd been let in by one of his sisters, one of the younger ones, having found out that he was still in bed. "Don't make me come up there!"
A couple more minutes passed, and she grunted irritably, then proceeded to march up the stairs. She met Jamy at the top.
"Into the lair of the beast?" Quatre's oldest sister asked, jokingly, and Adia grinned.
"Don't tell me he sleeps naked, 'cos I'm going to drag him out if I have to." Jamy grinned back, and continued downstairs and out of the house, laughing to herself. She had a feeling Quatre was going to get a rude awakening.
"Hey! Get up, camel-breath!" she shouted outside the door. "Unless you reply, I'm coming in!"
She counted to twenty, then opened the door a crack and slipped in through the gap silently, padding over to the bed. She meant to wake him by calling into his ear, but a shaft of sunlight was shining through the gap in the curtains, shimmering in the tousled golden hair on the pillow. It made her stop and gaze a minute, just looking at the play of the golden rays on his face. After so long without any light at all, it seemed odd to find one sight the most compelling. A faint smile touched her face, and she sat on a chair across from the bed to wait. Let him sleep beautifully for a little longer, long lashes tickling fair cheeks. The light seemed to come from his sleeping face, from the shining locks, rather than the sun outside. ~ An angel, ~ Adia thought. ~ Except I don't believe in God. ~
The eyelids fluttered, maybe he had sensed her presence, and the dazzling blue of his eyes opened to take her in. Quatre sat up and smiled sleepily.
"What are you doing in my room while I'm in bed?" he asked through a yawn, still half-asleep.
"Well, at the moment, I'm looking at you sitting there half-dressed," Adia replied, grinning. "I'd leer, except it isn't ladylike." Quatre blushed and pulled the covers up.
"I don't mind," she told him, smiling softly. "You looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake you, so I waited till you woke yourself." She would have waited forever, if she could just look at him, but she wasn't going to say that to his face.
She sat on the edge of the bed, and looked at him happily. He was still taller than her, even with her sitting up straight.
~ When did I get short? ~ Adia wondered, then dismissed it when he smiled. Well- not so much dismissed it as forgot it. She could feel herself melting like wax crayons in the sun, and felt unable to resist turning into a messy rainbow of bright colours.
Quatre could see her smile, but- something else happened as well. Something in her eyes softened when she looked at him, and for a moment he could almost believe that what he was seeing was the girl she would have been if the blindness had never come. He reached out, and she let him hold her, head pressed to his chest and listening to his steady heartbeat. ~ Where's Adia gone, and who's this who's replaced her? ~ He wondered, lips lightly pressed to her hair. This Adia was warm and smiling, with none of the bitterness and resentment that was part of the other girl.
"Just kiss me, Quatre," she murmured to him, then smiled at the look of surprise on his face, and the quickening of his pulse. "You know you will anyway."
Just now she felt secure, loved, as he kissed her free of the venom that had become so much of who she was. It was Quatre; he was pure in his heart, she knew that, deep down. But her? In her heart she would always be crippled, stained, less than whole. The blindness had been a vicious acid that ate away at the innocence of her existence. She didn't deserve him. His hope of salvation would be better off without her; no matter what, she had to make sure he was all right. She couldn't waste his existence with her…her scarred soul. Adia pulled away, a frightened look on her face. Quatre blinked, and tried to hold her, but she pulled away, backing off towards the door.
"Adia? What's wrong?" He was really concerned now- the fear and self-loathing on her face was plain to him, and he stood, walking towards her.
"Don't! Quatre, just…just don't. I'm…I'm not who I should be. Here," she pressed her hands to her chest, "If it wasn't for the blindness, maybe…but I'm too…dirty is how I feel. I've got too much hate in me to be any good for anybody, least of all you. Your innocence…I won't spoil that. I can't."
Quatre stared at her, eyes wide then walked forward and kissed her forcefully before she could stop him. "Do you think the blindness ever bothered me?" he hissed furiously, His hands gripping her shoulders. She could feel him trembling with tension. His voice rose as she stared. "Do you think I'm innocent? I killed hundreds, thousands of people, Adia. I'm stained with the blood of too many people. And you think I'm innocent? Ha!" he laughed bitterly at the irony. "I went on a violent rampage, crazed with guilt, and I destroyed so many innocent lives…so many truly innocent lives." He sat down on the floor suddenly, as if the tension holding him up had snapped. He studied the pattern on the floor. "I stopped being innocent the day I first realised what the gundam was, what it was to become. So don't tell me about being dirty." He stared at his hands, and they were shaking. He breathed out a shuddering sigh, trying to get a hold on himself. But so many lives, and it was his fault…his hands…he wrung them together, trying to squeeze out the evil that he could feel, just under the skin, burning him…
Adia's staring face shifted, and the sympathy there matched that he had felt when she had been sightless. "I didn't know," she whispered. "I never thought… dear God, Quat, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" She hugged him as he shook in self-hatred, there on the carpeted floor. The sunlight missed him now, and it looked as though the angel had fallen. She held him and burned out the bitterness she felt. His trembling form relaxed. It was time to let the hatred go.
Reaching for an eraser, she paused, and sighed, amused despite herself. Instead, she tore the page out and put it in a steadily growing pile of drawings in her drawer. For a moment she entertained the possibility of burning the evidence, but couldn't quite bring herself to do it. ~ It's only because we don't have a fireplace, ~ she told herself, and turned back to her homework.
^^^
"Hey! Quatre! You coming or not?" Adia yelled up the stairs. She'd been let in by one of his sisters, one of the younger ones, having found out that he was still in bed. "Don't make me come up there!"
A couple more minutes passed, and she grunted irritably, then proceeded to march up the stairs. She met Jamy at the top.
"Into the lair of the beast?" Quatre's oldest sister asked, jokingly, and Adia grinned.
"Don't tell me he sleeps naked, 'cos I'm going to drag him out if I have to." Jamy grinned back, and continued downstairs and out of the house, laughing to herself. She had a feeling Quatre was going to get a rude awakening.
"Hey! Get up, camel-breath!" she shouted outside the door. "Unless you reply, I'm coming in!"
She counted to twenty, then opened the door a crack and slipped in through the gap silently, padding over to the bed. She meant to wake him by calling into his ear, but a shaft of sunlight was shining through the gap in the curtains, shimmering in the tousled golden hair on the pillow. It made her stop and gaze a minute, just looking at the play of the golden rays on his face. After so long without any light at all, it seemed odd to find one sight the most compelling. A faint smile touched her face, and she sat on a chair across from the bed to wait. Let him sleep beautifully for a little longer, long lashes tickling fair cheeks. The light seemed to come from his sleeping face, from the shining locks, rather than the sun outside. ~ An angel, ~ Adia thought. ~ Except I don't believe in God. ~
The eyelids fluttered, maybe he had sensed her presence, and the dazzling blue of his eyes opened to take her in. Quatre sat up and smiled sleepily.
"What are you doing in my room while I'm in bed?" he asked through a yawn, still half-asleep.
"Well, at the moment, I'm looking at you sitting there half-dressed," Adia replied, grinning. "I'd leer, except it isn't ladylike." Quatre blushed and pulled the covers up.
"I don't mind," she told him, smiling softly. "You looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake you, so I waited till you woke yourself." She would have waited forever, if she could just look at him, but she wasn't going to say that to his face.
She sat on the edge of the bed, and looked at him happily. He was still taller than her, even with her sitting up straight.
~ When did I get short? ~ Adia wondered, then dismissed it when he smiled. Well- not so much dismissed it as forgot it. She could feel herself melting like wax crayons in the sun, and felt unable to resist turning into a messy rainbow of bright colours.
Quatre could see her smile, but- something else happened as well. Something in her eyes softened when she looked at him, and for a moment he could almost believe that what he was seeing was the girl she would have been if the blindness had never come. He reached out, and she let him hold her, head pressed to his chest and listening to his steady heartbeat. ~ Where's Adia gone, and who's this who's replaced her? ~ He wondered, lips lightly pressed to her hair. This Adia was warm and smiling, with none of the bitterness and resentment that was part of the other girl.
"Just kiss me, Quatre," she murmured to him, then smiled at the look of surprise on his face, and the quickening of his pulse. "You know you will anyway."
Just now she felt secure, loved, as he kissed her free of the venom that had become so much of who she was. It was Quatre; he was pure in his heart, she knew that, deep down. But her? In her heart she would always be crippled, stained, less than whole. The blindness had been a vicious acid that ate away at the innocence of her existence. She didn't deserve him. His hope of salvation would be better off without her; no matter what, she had to make sure he was all right. She couldn't waste his existence with her…her scarred soul. Adia pulled away, a frightened look on her face. Quatre blinked, and tried to hold her, but she pulled away, backing off towards the door.
"Adia? What's wrong?" He was really concerned now- the fear and self-loathing on her face was plain to him, and he stood, walking towards her.
"Don't! Quatre, just…just don't. I'm…I'm not who I should be. Here," she pressed her hands to her chest, "If it wasn't for the blindness, maybe…but I'm too…dirty is how I feel. I've got too much hate in me to be any good for anybody, least of all you. Your innocence…I won't spoil that. I can't."
Quatre stared at her, eyes wide then walked forward and kissed her forcefully before she could stop him. "Do you think the blindness ever bothered me?" he hissed furiously, His hands gripping her shoulders. She could feel him trembling with tension. His voice rose as she stared. "Do you think I'm innocent? I killed hundreds, thousands of people, Adia. I'm stained with the blood of too many people. And you think I'm innocent? Ha!" he laughed bitterly at the irony. "I went on a violent rampage, crazed with guilt, and I destroyed so many innocent lives…so many truly innocent lives." He sat down on the floor suddenly, as if the tension holding him up had snapped. He studied the pattern on the floor. "I stopped being innocent the day I first realised what the gundam was, what it was to become. So don't tell me about being dirty." He stared at his hands, and they were shaking. He breathed out a shuddering sigh, trying to get a hold on himself. But so many lives, and it was his fault…his hands…he wrung them together, trying to squeeze out the evil that he could feel, just under the skin, burning him…
Adia's staring face shifted, and the sympathy there matched that he had felt when she had been sightless. "I didn't know," she whispered. "I never thought… dear God, Quat, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" She hugged him as he shook in self-hatred, there on the carpeted floor. The sunlight missed him now, and it looked as though the angel had fallen. She held him and burned out the bitterness she felt. His trembling form relaxed. It was time to let the hatred go.