by Yanagi-sen
Weiß Kreuz songfic
Usual disclaimers apply. Another Schu/Youji angst-fest, I've been turning out a lot of these lately. Anyway, various Weiß and Schwarz members aren't mine; I'm only stealing them for a little while. Song is All or Nothing, by O-Town.
Warnings: angst, implied yaoi, mild language, maybe some OOCness
/character thoughts/
He clenched his teeth against the tears that threatened to well up in his emerald eyes. He hadn't cried once in this relationship and he was damned if he was going to start now. He opened the desk drawer and pulled out a single sheet of paper, picking up a pen, his pen he realized with a start. He sighed slightly and began to write. 'Dear Schu…'
I know when he's been on your mind, That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize, It's over, over…
I know this comes out of the blue, and I must apologize for that. But I realized something when you didn't come home again last night. It's been what, three nights in a row now? I've seen that look lately, the one in your eyes, which tells me you've been thinking of him. Now I can't read your mind like you can mine, but I know that look when I see it. I know he's important to you, in ways I cannot even begin to understand. But this has become bigger than friends, or even ex-lovers, God knows we both have our fair share of them. I don't think you've ever really left him, and now, I don't know if you ever really will.
Out of all the men and women you've been with, Crawford is special to you. I've always known that, and I've always thought that in time, we could be like that too. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I'm not as special to you. Or you would be here, in the home we share, instead of who-knows-where, with him…
It's not the way I choose to live, And something, some where's got to give
A share in this relationship, Gets older, older…
This isn't what I wanted, what I hoped for. I wanted you as more than someone to fuck. I thought you wanted more from me too. I love the time we spend together. Lazing away the Sunday in bed. Dancing all night at the clubs. Going out with the guys, even if we always get beaten by Omi at darts. The sex is great and I love it. But sex isn't enough, not anymore. If that was all I wanted, I could just as easily have kept on picking up girls. But I wanted someone to share a life with. After everything we went through as Weiß and Schwarz, all the fights and bloodshed and hate. I thought we could put that behind us. I thought we could build a new life, together, the way the others are.
But I can't do it alone. The door swings both ways, Schu. I know relationships are about sharing, the good and the bad. But I can't share you with him. Watching you leave the other day, knowing you were going to see him. It made me realize just how much a part of your life he is. Call me selfish, but that's not what I got into this relationship for.
You know I'd fight for you, But how can I fight someone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you, I don't care if that's not fair…
I'm tired Schu. I'm tired of fighting a war I shouldn't even have to. I'm tired of fighting the ghosts of the past and the present. I know I can't compete against what you two have shared. But I thought at least I had the chance to win. This fight's not fair. Obviously I'm not what you need. I've given so much to you. Is it too much to ask that you give in return?
Cuz I want it all or nothing at all…
There's nowhere left to fall when you reach the bottom
It's now or never…
It's all or nothing, Schu, cause I can't live like this anymore. I can't keep going on like nothing is wrong. Always wondering if you're coming home, and when. Always waiting for you to tell me you're staying with him. Wondering if I'm going to be the one left behind. I'm at the end of my rope, and I refuse to spend the rest of my life with only part of you. I'm sorry it's come down to this, but I don't feel like I have any other options. This is affecting more than just our relationship. I'm distracted all the time, can't hardly work, and the guys are noticing. We have to resolve this, one way or the other.
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all…
I know I'm chickening out by writing a letter. I should call you… but I just can't seem to talk to you about this. I'm going over to Ran and Ken's apartment, it's Aya-chan's birthday you know. I'll probably spend the night, we'll be up late I'm sure. I know you don't like me driving after I've had a few drinks. So I'll crash on their couch. I'll be back sometime tomorrow; the shop's closed so I don't have to work. I love you. More than I can ever say. Please, don't be angry.
Love,
Youji
Biting back the tears that still wanted to flow, he folded the letter in half and wrote, Schu, on the front. He held his lover's pen for a moment longer, then put it away and rose, letter in hand. He propped it up on the kitchen table, where the redhead would be sure to see it when he came in. He pulled on his coat and checked himself one more time in the mirror. A little stressed looking, but that should be gone by the time he got to Ran and Ken's. He picked up the wrapped package from the hall table and left.
There are times it seems to me, I'm sharing you in memories
I feel it in my heart but I Don't show it, show it…
Schuldich returned late in the afternoon. He knew he should have called Youji to tell him where he was, but things just kept getting in the way. But he was home now. "Youji?" Only silence returned his call. He noticed the blonde's jacket was gone from the closet. /Shit! Aya-chan's birthday party! Damn, guess he decided to go on without me./ He turned to head for the bedroom, intending to change and rush out to meet his lover, when the piece of paper on the table caught his eye. He smiled; Youji'd left him a note. He picked it up and started to read. Schuldich sank heavily into a chair as the sentences spelled out the discomfort he'd been sensing in his lover's thoughts.
When he finished, he laid his head on his arms wearily. Numbly, he pushed himself up from the table and stumbled into the other room and the desk. He fished out a clean sheet of paper and his pen, which Youji had undoubtedly used, and paused to consider his response. 'Dear Yotan,'
I would be foolish to lie and say I was expecting this. Despite what others think of me, you know I don't get 'into' your head without your permission or a damn good reason. So I'm surprised, to say the least. I… I don't know what to say. You've caught me off guard and I'm not sure what to do…
And then there's times you look at me, As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right, I know it, know it…
You say I've had 'that look in my eyes'? Well, you've had that look in yours. Your eyes tell me a lot, even without reading your mind. They tell me when you're happy and depressed, when you need to be made love to and when you want to just be fucked. They tell me you need me. You need me. But is that love, or desperation? Think about it, Yotan. I know you've been hurt deeply in the past. I know you've never completely gotten over Asuka's death, or killing Neu. But how much of what you profess to feel for me is love, and how much is your need to be with someone, anyone. There are times when you cling to me so tight, I can't breathe. But I have never once complained, because I know you needed me.
You're dependant, Yotan. First it was revenge for Asuka, then the 'family' you found in Weiß, now me. We probably should have dealt with this a long time ago, but I also enjoy the things we do together. Like that time you surprised me with a picnic in the park, or when you bring flowers home for no reason at all, or when you politely eat my European cooking even though you don't really like it. You're a closet romantic, Yotan, even though you don't like to admit it. I guess I am too, cause I enjoy your little surprises. Except for this one.
Don't make me promises, Baby you never did know how to keep them well
I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you, It's time to show and tell…
You say you want more out of our relationship. Well so do I. You say you can't live like this anymore. Well I have a question for you. How do I know you won't 'grow out' of needing me? How do I know you won't decide you need someone else and just up and leave? I need to be with someone too. Yes, Brad is very important to me. He saw potential in me when I was nothing more than a strung-out piece of gutter-trash with less self-esteem than anyone you've ever known. He stood by me, even at the cost of his own prestige, when all I did was cause him trouble. He was supportive during my training when all I wanted was to die the headaches were so bad. He's picked me back up time and again when all the pain and stress drove me back to the drugs. He's been a constant in my life where nothing has ever been constant. You found a family in Weiß, well, we found it in Schwarz.
I can't be alone again. And yes, sometimes I do go running to Brad. But that's because I've been afraid that you can't handle what I go through. Would it surprise you to learn we rarely ever have sex? Yes, Brad is much more to me than a friend, and yes occasionally we do sleep together. But it's not the same as with you. It's not the same at all.
Cuz I want it all or nothing at all…There's nowhere left to fall when you reach the bottom
It's now or never…
You say it's all or nothing. Are you sure you can handle it all? That is my biggest fear and why I've never spoken of this. You're asking me to commit myself wholly to you. But are you ready to do the same thing in return? I've hit bottom more times that you could imagine, I don't want to do it again. If we do as you ask and then you leave me… I don't know that even Brad could pick me up this time. You say you don't want to 'share' me with him, that you're tired of the fighting a losing war. Well, I'm tired of sharing you with Asuka. I'm tired of fighting a losing war. At least my 'other' is alive. You say you're tired of the ghosts. So am I. So either we put all our accumulated ghosts to rest, or we break this off here and now. Cause I'm not strong enough to go through Hell again.
Is it all or are we just friendsIs this how it ends with a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all…
I love you. I love you with my heart and my soul. The soul you found again, after Esset ripped it out so many years ago. We've come to the crossroads. Either we part as friends, and I would want to remain friends if possible, or we commit to each other fully, with no reservations. I'll tell you all my secrets and you'll tell me yours. Nothing will go unsaid between us. Only then can we start living this 'new life' you apparently want so much.
I don't think it is a good idea for me to be here right now. You need time and space to think. No, I'm not going to Brad's. I don't want to potentially poison any decision you make. Farf's out of the hospital, apparently they've finally found the right combination of medication to stabilize his brain. Who would have thought it possible? A sane Farfie? Anyway, I'll be over at his new place. Incidentally, that's where I've been for the past three days, helping him find a place and move in. I know I should have called, but every time I thought about it, something came up. If I'm not there, we're over visiting Nagi. He's probably at the party with Omi right now, but I know he's gonna want to see Farf so we may go surprise him tomorrow. Farf's new number is at the bottom.
Give me a call when you know what you want to do.
Love,
Schu
Cuz you and ICould lose it all if you've got no more room
No room, inside, for me in your life…
Schu packed his suitcase with enough clothes for a week. By that point, even brooding Youji should be able to make a decision. He stuffed a few toiletries and personal items in a small backpack. The book he was in the middle of. His sketchbook and pencils, he still had those illustrations due in a couple days, a few CD's. He looked at the pictures hanging on the living room wall. He had taken most of them, when he'd taken that photography class for his degree in art. He smiled; there was one of the Weiß members at the beach, even Ran looked like he was enjoying himself. One of Nagi and Omi when he'd caught them fooling around in the younger boy's bedroom. Several of Youji in various sultry poses. And one of the two of them, taken by Omi. He ran his finger along the frame, then picked up his coat and bags and was gone.
Cuz I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
It's now or never…
Youji sat, staring at the phone. It had been two days since Schu had left, and he was still trying to make sense of it all. He supposed he was a little on the desperate side, that's why he'd never told Schu before. But was he still that fixated on Asuka? He thought he'd put that all to rest after killing Neu, and the subsequent dissolving of Kritiker and Esset. He thought he was happy, working at the flower shop and with the other members of Weiß in their on-the-side private investigations jobs. They didn't do assassinations anymore, but a lot of their skills were very useful in other ways. Ran also taught kendo and iado, Ken had his soccer coaching, Omi was working his way through college, in computers of course, and he… He really didn't do anything else. Once a PI always a PI. Oh sure he probably could have found something else, but it was what he was used to, was comfortable with. Maybe Schu was right after all. Maybe he was clinging to the past.
He wasn't like Omi and Nagi. He finished school before joining Weiß. He couldn't stand to be in an office all day like Brad. He didn't like to get up early, period. He wasn't talented like Schu, who was well on his way to becoming a successful artist, or Nagi who discovered he really enjoyed writing. Heck, even Farf had other options, now that he was out of the hospital and could concentrate on becoming a chef. That had given him the willies, the first time he'd had a meal prepared by the then-still madman. But he supposed skill with knives was skill with knives. He understood what Schu was saying. That he had to move on and leave the past to lie. But he liked what he was doing. He liked to sneak around and stay out all night on stakeouts and poke around in people's 'private' business.
Could he continue that and still keep Schu? That was the question. There was no question in his mind that he wanted to stay with the man, no matter what secrets the redhead was harboring. If he could find a way to be less, 'needy', to stand on his own two feet with confidence, it should be enough. No matter what.
Suddenly the proverbial light bulb went on. Jumping up off the couch he pawed through the hall table's drawer, searching for the little book of phone numbers he kept. Schu jokingly called it his 'little black book', and it was black, but not a single number in there was from an ex-lover. That book he had burned when Schu moved in. Paging through, he found the number he sought and with shaking hands, picked up the phone.
Cuz I want it all or nothing at all…There's nowhere left to fall when you reach the bottom
It's now or never…
It had been almost a week since Schu had gone. Youji pulled out his letter and at the bottom, Farf's number. He took a deep breath, steeling himself, and dialed. It rang, once, twice, three times, he started to get discouraged. After five rings he was ready to hang up and try Nagi's when it picked up.
-Aye?-
"Um… hello, Farf."
-'Bout damn time ye called, wait a minute we just got in. SCHU! PHONE! –
There were muffled sounds on the other end and Youji bounced in the chair nervously.
-Yotan?-
"Yeah. Um, hi. Are you okay?"
-I'm fine, how are you?-
"Alright I guess. Schu…" -Youji…-
There was silence for a second, and then they both laughed.
-You go first.-
"Okay." He took a deep breath. "Um… you were right, you know. I guess I was clinging to you, and the past. I just… I've never been good a letting go…"
-Youji…-
"Please, Schu, let me finish, before you say anything."
-All right.-
"You're right. I need to get beyond everything that's happened. I need to get over Asuka, and Neu, and even Weiß. I was afraid I was losing you to Brad, and I guess I never thought about why you went to him. Brad and I have never gotten along, that's no secret, but I know he's not out to intentionally hurt me. Not anymore. I guess I just kept going along with what I was doing because I was afraid to try anything new. I was afraid of failure, always have been. I failed Asuka; I nearly failed Weiß a couple times. I was afraid of failing you. And me. I couldn't do it again. So I clung to the past…"
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all…
-Cause it was safe.-
"Yeah. I know it's gonna take some work. But I need to move on. You've shown me that. Heck you all have shown me that. I suppose I was envious of all of you for being able to start over. I mean, you all have other skills."
-So do you.-
"Nah. Not like you guys. I'm a PI. It's what all my schooling and talents are for. But taking a look at you guys has shown me, that I can take what I know, and go a different route."
-Please tell me you're not joining the military?-
Youji laughed. "Good Lord no. Can you see me with all those rules?"
-Thank goodness, if you did that I'd have to shoot you. Military intelligence is an oxymoron you know.-
"Yeah I know. I've got a new job, I start next week."
-What?!-
"I have a new job, and I start next week. It's only two evenings a week to start with, and I don't want to totally give up the shop or the other jobs with the guys, but it's a start."
-What are you going to be doing?-
"Teaching. At the police academy."
-You're kidding.-
"No. One of my mentors teaches there. He told me years ago if I ever wanted a job to call him. I had an interview today. I starting out as his assistant, but he's confident that they'll give me my own classes next term." Silence on the other end. "Schu? Are you there?"
Cuz I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
It's now or never…
"Yeah, Yotan. I'm really proud of you. I think this is a good start."
-Thanks. I… I guess I'm done…-
Schu nodded, even though he knew Youji couldn't see it. He took a quick sip of the ice tea Farf had left for him before the pale Irishman had made himself scarce. Was Youji ready to hear everything? Was he ready to tell Youji?
-Schu?-
"Yeah. My turn huh? You know all about the drugs and stuff I used to do. Esset made me get clean, but they couldn't always keep me that way." He took a deep breath; this was really hard to talk about. "You know my powers are basically always 'on'. Unlike Brad's which he can control more, or Nagi's that is dormant until he wishes otherwise."
-Unless he's upset.-
"Don't remind me, I still get chills. That look in his eyes… Anyway, I can shield, but never turn them off. Even if I'm ignoring them, they're always there in a corner of my mind. It's comforting most of the time, actually. Those rare moments where I don't hear them are very disorienting to me. They've been there since I was about seven, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud, but always there. Periodically I catch a bit of emotion with the thoughts. I'm not really an empath, but empathy and telepathy are so close that I have a touch of the other. Now, I'm not trained to deal with emotions. They get in there and just kinda sit, for lack of a better word. Over time, that emotional residue builds and builds and starts to effect me."
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He hated talking about this. His fellow Schwarz members knew of course, but it was one of the things that they never talked about. It was just accepted and dealt with, like Farf's insanity, Brad's occasional drinking problem, and Nagi's eating disorder. The counselors Esset had provided were more interested in using him than counseling, so the problem had never been really taken care of.
"I start having mood swings, almost like someone with bipolar. I get really angry for no reason, or depressed. When it got bad enough, I would spend a couple weeks on a drug binge and then be fine. Esset didn't like when I did that. Neither did Brad. More than once he had to come retrieve me from whatever drug dive I was holed up in, stoned out of my mind. I nearly overdosed at least twice and ended up in Esset's infirmary. After the second time I got the ultimatum, stop, or die." Youji gasped on the other end and Schu took a quick drink. "Quick and to the point, that was Esset. Needless to say I really didn't want to die so Brad and I came up with a few ways to 'purge' those emotions other than me getting rocked off my ass on whatever I could find.
"That's why I periodically go back to Brad. Cause he's the only one who can handle seeing me like that. It's not pretty Yotan. One minute I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and the next I'm weeping on the floor. I'm not proud of that. But that's the way it is and I'm damn lucky to have Brad around, cause otherwise I would probably be dead by now."
Is it all or are we just friends
Is this how it ends with a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all…
-That's what I didn't want to talk to you about. I mean, you see how everybody still tiptoes around Farf. People just aren't comfortable when they know you are mentally unstable. If… if this changes things between us… I understand. I'm not happy with it either, I can imagine…-
"Don't presume to do my thinking for me. You may know what I'm thinking but it's still my head." Youji rubbed his forehead; he hadn't been expecting anything like that. "This does change things between us…"
-I see…-
"You didn't let me finish. This just means, that I'll have to learn to recognize the signs. So that I can get Brad if you're unable to."
-Yotan?- Schu's voice sounded surprised.
"What?! You thought I'd toss you out on your pretty, little ass? Give me some credit will ya? I'm not a total jerk. Speaking of that pretty ass of yours…"
-Yes?-
"Will you get it back home where it belongs! I miss you."
-owari-
AN: I guess I should always write when I'm sick. I sat down around noon and now it's three already. More Schu/Youji angst for Aoe to enjoy, and everyone else, but I always think of her when I'm writing it cause I know she likes it so much. ^_^ Little different from my usual. Crawfish is decent! Farf is sane! These are earth-shattering events in my fic world! I like pondering what they would do if Weiß and Schwarz dissolved. I admit, I cheated and recycled Ran and Ken from another fic, but those are the most likely things for them to be doing. Didn't get too detailed with Brad, but he's an office-type person. Omi and computers, no big shock there. Farf as a chef, that gave me a laugh. Schu's an artist, actually not surprising to me; artists tend to have a different mentality. (yes, I speak from experience) Nagi a writer, well, I decided I wanted one of them to be a writer and didn't want him to be copying Omi so… Hope people enjoyed.