Of Battles, Blasters, and Brainfreezys
An Invader Zim Fanfic by KidKourage
Guess What! We're Back to the No Chapters Thing!
Wouldn't you know it? I'm bored again. And so you, the readers, get to once again enjoy the product of
my boredom. WooHoo, lucky you! This story's kinda like three stories in
one, in case ya'll didn't read the summary.
One of 'em's got 'Nny in it.
Cool, eh? Ummmmmm…this is
usually the point where I give people who've got no idea what I'm talking about
a link…oh, here's one! http://members.aol.com/JTHM/index.html (check out the picture section!) Don't click if you're an impressionable
preteen…I'm not gonna be responsible for traumatizing anyone. You rugrats can
read the fic, tho', cuz nothin' too graphic happens in it. Oh, by the way, Johnny's another person I
don't own. Like all the others, he's
Jhonen's property…unless he gets out of hand.
The scene is KidK's house! The gang's all here, since KidK was looking for something to do
and invited Dib and Gaz over. But not
even they can come up with anything this time! And where's Zim…? Read on
and find out!
KidK:
Sorry I got ya'll to come over…I don't have anything for us to do…
Dib: Oh,
that's OK, KidK! We just like hangin'
out with you!
KidK:
Awwww, that's sweet!
Mike-the-Brother:
Don't make me barf.
KidK:
Mike, you know what? I'm tired
of you. You go find something to do by yourself.
Mike-the-Brother (smugly): I
don't hafta be by myself! Gaz
said that when she's done her Game-Boy game that we can play Super Smash
Brothers! It's gonna be the battle to
end all battles…I can't wait!
Gaz: OK, done.
God, you work and you work and all you get is a lame 30
second ending sequence…
Mike-the-Brother:
Bummer. Anyway, I'll go get SSB!
KidK: Heaven preserve us…he's even abbreviated
it!
Mike-the-Brother skips off to get Super Smash
Brothers. Meanwhile, there's a
commotion from downstairs as Zim and Gir come up from the lab.
Zim
(triumphantly): I have done it!
KidK:
Done what?
Zim: I have finally created a weapon powerful
enough to doom my greatest enemy…
KidK: Uh oh…Dib, get behind the chair…
Dib doesn't get behind the chair, but Gir,
thinking this is a game, does.
Gir: Hide an' seek! I'm hidin' real good!
Ooooo, look! Dust bunnies! Hello, little bunnies…
Zim: Not Dib, crazy KidK. Dib is just a minor annoyance…I can doom him
any time if I so choose.
Dib: Yeah right…
Zim: No, I am speaking of an even greater
enemy! I am speaking of…bum bum
bummmmmm…the lifeguard at the community pool!
Dib: Nooooooooo!
(he thinks a second) Wait a
second, what?!
Zim: Yessss, ever since last Wednesday, when we
went to that miserable cesspit you humans call the pool club, I have
been waiting to get my revenge on that pitiful stink monkey…
Initiate Flashback Mode!
Woo, look at the squigglyness!
OK, all set now…begin the Flashback!
KidK and the crew are at the community pool club for the afternoon.
Zim (muttering angrily): Stupid beasts and their stupid water…
KidK: Don't worry, Zim. I'm not going in either.
I only came cuz I'm the one with the driver's license. So you can sit with me by the pool and read
comics.
Dib: Yeah, Zim, make sure you don't get wet…muhahahahaaaaa!
Gaz: Shut up, Dib, or I'll dunk you.
Mike-the-Brother: Who wants to play Marco Polo?
Gir: Me!
Meeeeeee! Marco!!!!!!
Mike-the-Brother: Er…yeah.
About a half hour goes by, when suddenly some bad kids
start splashing around near where KidK and Zim are enjoying their books.
Zim (edging
away from the pool): Monkey
children! Watch where you put that
water!
Bad Kid One:
Whatsamatta, Mister? Don't wanna
get wet?
Bad Kid Two: Yeah, are ya scared of the water,
Mister?
KidK
(menacingly): If you two kids don't
go away right now—
The kids giggle
maniacally and splash a whole lot of water on poor Zim.
Zim (rolling around on the pavement): Aieeeeeeeeee! It burns! It burns!
KidK: Now see what you've done? I'm gonna tell the lifeguard! (shouting)
Hey! Lifeguard dude!
The lifeguard
jumps in the pool and swims over.
Lifeguard
Dude: Duhhhhh, what seems to be the
problem, man?
KidK: These little demons splashed my
friend deliberately, and he's allergic to water!
Lifeguard
Dude: Whuh? How can he be allergic to water,
man? You just can't be! See?
(he splashes more water on Zim, who continues to writhe in pain) He's just scared! Wahahahahaaaaa!
Bad Kids: Wahahahahaaaaaa!
Initiate Flashforward Mode! Swirly stuff, you know you love it! OK, back at KidK's house in the present day, now.
Zim: That idiot lifeguard and his stupid
watery…water! Now I have the means to
make him payyyyyyy….
KidK: And what would that be?
Zim (holding
up a rectangular object): A block…of
sodium!
KidK: Ummmm, what?
Dib: Oh, no!
Not a block of sodium! That's dangerous!
KidK: Why?
(I know this, I'm just playin' stupid)
Dib: Sodium reacts very violently with
water. It fizzes and burns
and…other…bad stuff. It can hurt
people!
KidK: Really.
Well, Zim, looks like you've got a real winner there! Good job!
Dib: What do you mean, 'good job?!' He's gonna go doom people!
KidK: Welllll, there's nothing I can do to stop
him, so…
Dib: Maybe you can't…but I can!
Zim: I'd like to see you try, Dib-monkey!
With that, Zim dashes out of the house and runs off in the
direction of the pool club. Dib follows
him just as quickly.
Dib: I'm gonna stop you Zim! No innocent lives will be ruined because of
your heinous plot!
KidK
(shaking her head): Those silly
boys…hey, Gir!
Gir (behind
the chair): Yeah, Missy?
KidK: Wanna go to the 7-11 and get a brainfreezy
with me?
Gir (leaping
out, covered in dust): I'm there,
dude!
KidK: Um, Gir?
Have you been watching 'Saved by the Bell' again?
Gir: Yeah!
I luv Screech! 'Oh
Liiiisaaaaaa!' And Mister Belding is so
funny! 'I know you're up to something,
Zack!' Wheeheeheee!
KidK: Riiiiight. Now let's go get that 'freezy, shall we?
Gir: Yes!
I'm gonna get choc'late bubblegum!
KidK: That's the spirit! (yelling) Mike!
Mike-the-Brother
(in the livingroom): I'm right here,
sis, you don't hafta scream…
KidK: Oh, sorry.
Me an' Gir are goin' out. And
Zim an' Dib…well…who knows when they'll be back. So, have fun, guys!
Mike-the-Brother
(absently): Oh, yeah, uh-huh,
right.
Gaz (equally
absent): Bye…
KidK: Engrossed already…well, let's go!
KidK and Gir go
out to the car. Meanwhile, inside the
house…
Mike-the-Brother: Who are you gonna be, Gaz?
Gaz: Samus.
She's the only girl, see.
Mike-the-Brother: Well, we'll see how well your crummy 'girl
power' can withstand the awesome psychic might of…Ness!
Gaz: Huh.
The big-headed schoolboy versus the metal android, eh? Let's make it 99 stock each.
Mike-the-Brother: You're on!
This battle'll settle our score for good! Whoever wins is the ultimate game master!
Gaz (eager
to start the game): Yeah, sure,
whatever. Let's play, already!
They start their battle royale, and Samus immediately
scores a KO on Ness using her Energy Blaster.
Gaz: This
is too easy!
Mike-the-Brother:
I wouldn't say that if I were you!
Ness KO's Samus with a Mind Toss move. One by one the characters take turns falling
off the screen. But since there's so
many stock, this could go on for quite some time…so why don't we check in on
Zim and Dib in the meantime!
Dib (out of
breath): Well…I finally…made
it. The…community…pool. Now where's…Zim?
Zim (over by
the pool): Cower, human scum! Today you will feel the wrath of my sodium
brick of doooooooom!
He holds up the block and makes like he's gonna toss it in
the pool. But Dib sneaks up on him and
snatches the sodium away.
Dib:
Yoink! Let's see you doom
anybody now, Zim!
Zim: Oh,
come on! Don't tell me you like
these people!
Dib looks around.
His gaze takes in the lifeguard, who is diligently excavating a nostril,
some boys who are laughing dementedly while dunking a pigtailed girl
underwater, a man who is clearly only there to ogle the teenage girls, and the
aforementioned teenage girls who are gossiping about some other teenage girls
behind their backs.
Dib:
………No. But that doesn't mean you
can go around hurting them!
Zim: I'll do whatever I want, monkey! If I can't use the sodium, then I'll use…the
lasers!
He whips out
some laser blasters and starts firing randomly.
Teenage
Girls: Eeeeeeeek! Lasers!
Help us, pleeeeeeze!
Lifeguard
Dude: Duhhhh, whut?
Well, that's enough of that story for now…let's see what
KidK and Gir are up to, okay?
KidK (slamming the car door): We're here!
Gir:
Yaaaaaay! Choc'late bubblegum,
here I come!
KidK:
Heehee, you made a rhyme, Gir!
Gir (singsong):
Rhyme, time, slime, crime…
KidK (joining in):
Chime, dime, mime…hey!
KidK, not looking where she's going, bumps violently into
another prospective 7-11 customer and knocks him over. She looks down to see, sprawled on the
ground, a tall, very thin young man with spiky black hair and really awesome
boots glaring malevolently up at her.
KidK: Oh, wow!
I'm so sorry! Geez, I'm such a moron…how
could I not have been watching? Here,
let me help you up…(she extends a hand)
'Nny
(disdaining her help): Don't touch
me. You really think you can just run
into people, don't you? You know, I
sincerely don't know why I leave the house anymore, because every time I do I
give up all my rights to being treated like a human being…(he gets
hysterical)…by people like you, you ignorant little…(he pauses) Wait, did you just say you're sorry?
KidK
(mournfully): Yes…I really am! You're not hurt, are you? I just couldn't live with myself if I
actually injured someone because of my stupidity…
'Nny (in
shock): …………..wow…usually
people only apologize to me after I threaten their lives…and start
torturing them…
KidK (not
paying attention): Here, please let
me make it up to you! (she grabs 'Nny's
skinny arm and pulls him into the store)
I'll buy you a brainfreezy!
Gir
(skipping after KidK and 'Nny):
Yay! Brainfreezys for everybody!
What is that
girl getting herself into? At
the house…
Mike-the-Brother: Ha!
How do ya like them apples, Gaz?! One more for me!
Gaz: Yeah, you're getting lucky! Watch this!
Samus performs
the Screw Attack, sending Ness into orbit.
Mike-the-Brother
(with all confidence): A minor
setback at most. Now you watch!
Ness uses his Smash attack, the one with the baseball bat,
to knock the damaged Samus flying. Her
fingers pounding the buttons, Gaz manages to keep Samus on the screen.
Gaz: But again I survive!
Mike-the-Brother: Not for long! Muhahahahaaaaaa!
Gaz: We'll see about that!
Flash to the community
pool!
Dib: We'll see about that! (wow, cool trick, no?)
Zim
(gleefully zapping): Pathetic
humans! Feel my wrath! (he notices the lifeguard on his
station…thingy…and points) You! Stupid lifeguard beast! Come down here and face me!
Lifeguard
Dude: Ummmmm, huh? Hey, you're that little dude from the other
day! The one who was (air quotes)
'allergic' to water! Whassup, man?
Zim: What's up is that I'm gonna destroy
your puny pool club!
Lifeguard
Dude (his two brain cells finally getting together): Hey!
No way, man! Not on my
watch!
The lifeguard
jumps into the pool, swims over to Zim, and splashes him.
Zim (falling
over): Waaaaaaah! Why did I not foresee this?! Ngh, it hurts!
Lifeguard
Dude: Ahahaaaa! You are defeated, little dude!
While Zim is distracted, Dib saunters over and picks up
the dropped laser blasters.
Dib
(striking a heroic pose): And once
again, the day…is saved!
Thanks to…the lifeguard dude and Dib the Great!
Bad Kid One: Hey, that kid's quoting the 'Powerpuff
Girls!'
Bad Kid Two: Yeah!
Geek!
Dib (his
confidence gone): Ahaha… ^_^*
Well, it seems like Dib has won! But, with my fics, you just never can tell, can you? Meanwhile, over at the 7-11…
KidK: Now, I know Gir wants a chocolate
bubblegum…(she looks up at 'Nny next to her and smiles disarmingly) What flavor do you like best?
'Nny (still
in shock): ………..cherry….
KidK
(working the brainfreezy machine):
Okie dokie That's my favorite
too. You know, you remind me of a good
friend of mine…two friends, actually.
What's your name?
'Nny: Johnny.
But you can call me ''Nny' for short.
KidK: OK.
Well, 'Nny, here's your 'freezy.
(she hands him one of those giant cups that frozen treats like this
always come in) And here's yours,
Gir!
Gir (grabbing
the cup): Tanky tanky, friend!
KidK: Gir, you've been watching 'Gulla Gulla
Island' too, huh?
Gir: I like it!
'Let's all go to..Gulla Gulla Iiiiiiisland!'
'Nny: Heh.
What is that thing, anyway?
KidK: He's a robot dog. He's not mine, he's my friend's.
'Nny: Ummmm…(he's out of small talk already…comes
from killing people before talking to them)
What's your name?
KidK: Everybody calls me KidK. Well, except family…and Gir…they call me
Missy. Now, lemme just pay for these….
She goes up to the counter and pays the counter slave a
rather steep price for the three brainfreezys.
While she's gone…
Gir: Hey,
Mister!
'Nny:
Er…hey.
Gir: I like your shirt! Heehee, it's always changing!
Look, it's different again!
'Nny:
….thanks.
Gir (slurping the brainfreezy): I luv you, funny hair man!
'Nny:
…………………………..
KidK
(returning and setting her 'freezy on the floor): So, I really didn't hurt you, did I? No bruises anywhere?
'Nny: No.
You know, KidK…(he carefully puts his brainfreezy on top of the machine
before continuing) You are the only
person I've ever come in contact with who ran me over and actually cared enough
to apologize. (he thinks a minute) Well…eventually they
apologized…. But you…your soul's
not a total waste of skin and organs like all those other ignorant
morons. (he suddenly darts forward and
clasps KidK's hands in his own) I'm so lucky
to have finally met a good person!
(he grins that scary grin of his)
This is the best moment of my life!
I'm gonna burn it into my mind and remember it forever!
KidK
(embarrassed): ^_^* I'm not that great….
'Nny
(ignoring her): Yes! And now I must go! (he grabs the brainfreezy and skips crazily out of the store,
shouting happily) A happy day
today! I don't have to kill
myself!
Gir (waving): Bye bye, Mister Boots!
KidK: Well…wasn't he…wacky… (whew, she just
narrowly escaped death) Let's go home,
Gir.
Gir: Gonna see Mikey an' Gazzy! Do you think they'll let me play?
KidK: Sorry to tell you this, Gir, but they probably
won't even hear you ask.
They go out to
the car and drive home. At the pool
club…
Zim (still
wet but recovering): I'll…get you
yet…lifeguard beast!
Dib: No you won't. As long as he's within the safety of the pool club, he can always
splash you.
Zim: Next time I'm gonna make sure I'm protected. And as for you, Dib…(he starts
walking over to Dib menacingly) You'd better
give me back those blasters!
Dib: No way!
Dib runs away, and Zim chases him. Eventually, Dib figures out that he can
probably keep Zim away by firing the lasers.
Dib
(stopping and whirling around to face Zim): You stay back or I'll shoot!
Zim: Ha.
As if a stupid human like you could even aim one of those things.
Dib: It can't be too hard, Zim, or you
wouldn't have figured it out!
Zim: What did you say?!
Zim lunges at Dib in an attempt to retrieve the guns,
startling Dib and causing him to fire wildly.
It's very unfortunate, but his shot hits a telephone pole and it falls
over, pulling all its wires down with it.
Dib:
Ummmmm, whoops?
And back at KidK's house…
Gaz: Well,
looks like this is it, Mikey. The final
showdown.
Mike-the-Brother: One for you and one for me…no damage to
either…who will win the title of Ultimate Game Master?
Gaz and
Mike-the-Brother look at each other.
Then they reach a decision.
Mike-the-Brother
and Gaz: Me!
The last face-off begins.
Samus charges up her Energy Blaster, but before she can fire, Ness grabs
her and tosses her away. Samus recovers
and lands on top of Ness, kicking him into the ground. Ness, up once more, launches a punch
attack. While Samus is down, he moves
to perform his Smash Attack. But Samus
has other ideas, and fires off the Energy Blaster. The two attacks hit one another and send both badly injured characters
flying toward the edge of the screen.
Gaz: I
won't lose!
Mike-the-Brother:
No!
They watch as their warriors soar through the air. Neither can manage to return to the playing
field, but who will hit the wall first?
The tension is so think you could cut it with a knife…. Then the lights flicker off.
TV:
Fizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Gaz:
Whaaaaaaaaat?! The power went
out?!
Mike-the-Brother
(throwing his controller to the floor):
We were so close to finally knowing who the real champion is!
Gaz: Somehow, I know Dib is behind this…and when
he gets home he will pay.
KidK (coming
in the door): Hi guys! Oh, hey, what happened to the power?
Mike-the-Brother
(sulkily): It went out in the
middle of our game…
KidK: Gee, I'm sorry…want a sip of my brainfreezy?
Mike-the-Brother: Okay… (he slurps, then gets a sickened look
on his face) Cherry? You gave me cherry?!
KidK: Oh, oops, I forgot you don't like it.
Gir: Do ya like choc'late bubblegum, Mikey? (he thrusts the cup under Mike-the-Brother's
nose) Have some!
Mike-the-Brother: Er…thanks but no thanks, Gir.
Just then, Zim and Dib stumble through the open door. They look pretty beat up.
KidK: Geez!
What happened to you?
Zim: Well, I was just about to achieve success at
the pool club when this idiot ruined everything!
Dib: I
couldn't let him get away with it!
Gaz (glaring
down the stairs at her brother):
Dib! Would you happen to know
anything about why the power went out?
Dib
(nervous): Well, that's a long
story, sis.
Gaz
(menacingly): Tell it.
Dib recounts the events of his afternoon, and is promised
future pain by the fuming Gaz. Then
KidK separates everyone to prevent harm to her furniture, gets out some candles
(since it's getting kinda dark out) and puts on the radio.
Mike-the-Brother:
I hate the radio.
KidK: S'better than nothing…let's see if the news
says anything about the blackout and when they'll fix the wires.
Newsman: The top story tonight is the power outage
that has swept the area. Public Service
has been able to track the source of the blackout to a downed telephone
pole…blah blah blah…
Zim: Huh.
Boring…hey, KidK, what did you do today?
KidK: I went to the 7-11 with Gir for a
brainfreezy. I met a guy and…
Zim
(suspiciously): You met a guy?
KidK: Yeah, he was this really skinny guy…a few
years older than me, I'd say. He looked
kinda like a taller Dib. I accidentally
knocked him over, and he was pretty mad, but I apologized and bought him a
cherry brainfreezy and then he acted like I was the nicest person he'd ever
met! He was a little weird, and kinda
shy…but I think he was pretty much a sweet guy.
Gir: Yeah!
He had a fun shirt that said many different things at different
times! It had a Z an' a question
mark…and then it was a--
Dib (interrupting): Gir, that's impossible. His shirt changed logos?
Gir: Yeah!
It was cooooooool…
Newsman: And here's Bambi Dearheart with other news
for this hour.
Bambi
Dearheart (with no feeling whatsoever):
I'm here live at the scene of a grisly murder that occurred just about
fifteen minutes ago. Witnesses say that
a young man wielding two long daggers attacked and killed a businessman after
the hapless victim ran into him and knocked him to the ground. (to herself) God do I hate crime reporting…ew, I just stepped in blood! Ick, ick, ick! (pause) Ummmm, let's hear
from an eyewitness, shall we?
Hysterical
Eyewitness Man: This crazy guy in
black was just running along down the street like a mental patient…and the guy
in the suit…he just bumped into him…it was an accident! The businessman said, 'Watch where you're
going!' And then the skinny guy just
went ballistic and started stabbing him! It was horrible…blood everywhere! He kept screaming, 'I was having such a good day! Why did you have to screw it up?! Why couldn't you be more like Missy?!'
Everyone turns to stare at KidK, except Gir, who takes
this prime opportunity to tune the radio to the All-Rock station.
KidK:
Ahaha…guess he wasn't so sweet after all…but he likes me!
Zim: Huh. You and your guys with bad attitudes…
Gir (singing
along): Psycho killer! Qu'est-ce que c'est? Bum ba ba baaaaa bum ba…Heehee!
The
End!
I
Love Happy Endings, Don't You?
