Ground Zero
Chapter Five
**********
August 22. 0859h. Station 55. Day room.
"Apparently they can cover this up," stated the Captain, slamming the phone down. He looked at the rest of third watch, sans Jimmy, sitting around the table. "Steve over at headquarters says they can't find the tape. Some how it's gone missing."
"So, what do we do now?" asked Kim.
"You're asking me? I've never done anything like this before."
"That tape was important," voiced Doc. "It was our only clear cut evidence that they were there. Our letters can't stand on their own."
*** *** ***
August 22. 1000h. Hospital. Doherty and Robert's room.
Jimmy rolled his head to the side, grinning at his roommate. Bill had woken up an hour after Kim and Morales' visit the other day, but was further behind in recovering. With nothing else to do they had done a lot of talking. They were also starting to get on each other's nerves.
"Hey, Bill," Jimmy called, a crooked grin on his face.
Bill slowly lolled his head to the side. "What is it now?" he sighed.
"Watch this." Jimmy lifted his left arm and began waving it at the still paralyzed police officer. "Hahahahaha..."
"Don't mock me, funny boy."
*** *** ***
August 25. 1300h. St. Clemmens Cemetery.
Jimmy and Bill, recovered and free from the hospital and each others taunts, strolled through the landscaped garden. It was a typical, pleasant New York afternoon with the sun shining, a slight breeze ruffling the trees. Peter Hunt had died from complications due to the gas, and today was the first time since the funeral Jimmy and Bill had been able to visit alone. They felt a certain bond with the firefighter- especially Jimmy. An unfortunate one, but one they would never forget. They wanted to say a private good-bye now that it was over.
They each had their own demons to face after the accident, but their physical recovery was a giant step in the right direction. Neither had been permantly damaged, and were both hoping to get back to work as soon as possible. But first, they had some unfinished business to attend to.
They crouched beside the tombstone; each in his own way saying a silent prayer.
Bill opened his eyes, searching Jimmy's face. "Did you know him?" he asked sofly.
Jimmy shook his head. "Not really," he replied, laying the flowers they had brought on the soft soil. "I'd seen him before. You know, around scenes. But I never got to know him. But right now, that doesn't seem to matter."
Bill reached out and ran his hand along the smooth stone. The sun beating down made it hot to touch, but Bill didn't mind. He kept his hand there. "I'm sure he was a great guy."
"Actually," grinned Jimmy. "I heard he was a bit of an ass hole."
Bill chuckled softly, retracting his hand. He played absently with the dirt at his feet. "Well, we don't have to remember him that way. You know what I mean."
Jimmy nodded, pushing off the ground stiffly. "No we don't. Let's remember him as...as...as a man who died for..."
"For what?" questioned Bill, his eyebrows raised. "His country?"
"Yeah, maybe not a good idea." Jimmy thought about it a bit more and shook his head. "I guess we'll just have to remember him as an ass hole," he laughed. "I'm all out of ideas.".
They knew it wasn't funny, but they couldn't help it. The situation was all too surreal to take seriously. "That's all you can come up with?" Bill said, slapping Jimmy on the shoulder and pushing back towards the road. "Come on, we have to be able to do better than that."
*** *** ***
August 30. 0330h. Station 55.
Jimmy's first day back at work had gone well. Kim, and the rest of the shift, had watched him closely, looking for any indications that he wasn't quite ready yet. They were all too aware of Jimmy's tendencies to return to work prematurely. But nothing had stood out so far. And that night Kim went to bed with peace of mind. Jimmy was his old cocky, annoying self once again.
But at 0330h, unbeknownst to Kim and the rest of the crew at the station, Jimmy was in the bay doing anything he could think of to delay sleep. Jimmy was in his turnout pants and T-shirt doing pushups between the engines. After the nightmares he had experienced the last few nights, he had decided he wasn't going to sleep ever again.
He knew that was impossible, but he was willing to give it a try. Every time he went to sleep he dreamt he woke up paralyzed, suffocating in his coffin. He'd never been claustrophobic before, but he figured it was never too late to try something new.
Remembering the images made him shudder. He jumped to his feet and began another set of jumping jacks. He was at thirty when he heard noise above him. Startled, he quickly, yet quietly, maneuvered around the engine and ducked up the stairs to the kitchen.
A moment later Kim walked in rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She had woken up and had gone to check on Jimmy and noticed his bunk empty. She had a feeling she would find him here. But she was surprised to find him wide awake, sweating, and all together too chipper.
"Hey, Kim. What are you doing up?"
"I... I just came to see where you went," she replied, joining him at the sink.
Jimmy turned on the faucet, grabbed a glass and filled it. "Just getting some water. Why don't you go back to sleep, I think I can handle it. I am capable of getting a drink of water on my own. Self taught actually. The experts were amazed."
Kim eyed him carefully. "Maybe I'll just have some water too."
"Here have this," offered Jimmy, passing her the untouched glass.
"Aren't you going to drink it?"
"Me? No. Not thirsty." Jimmy started backing towards the door, stumbling over a chair in his retreat. "I'm going back to bed now... Got a big day planned for tomorrow. You know how it is... Gonna clean the garage..." When he finally reached the exit he paused, tried to say something, but changed his mind.
Kim watched with concern as he disappeared around the corner. She changed her mind as well. Her earlier assumption had been wrong. Jimmy was not back to his old self. Kim started to put the glass away, but stopped. She looked over her shoulder puzzled. "Clean what garage? Jimmy, you don't have a garage?"
*** *** ***
After another shift of finding Jimmy unable to sleep, Kim decided to do something. She couldn't let Jimmy continue like this. He wasn't going out on his personal time, he was neglecting Joey, and through it all he denied any problems. That was Kim's first clue something was still wrong. And she had a feeling she knew what he needed.
Jimmy needed closure. It was obvious to everyone now he was having a hard time coping' always restless, exhausted, and unnaturally subdued. It hadn't reflected in his work yet, but Kim didn't want to let it get to that. She had tried to talk to him, but trying only pushed him further away.
The Captain had suggested a departmental psychologist, but Jimmy had refused. Doc had offered to arrange a group session, but that had only managed to tick Jimmy off more. He had even refused to delve into the mysterious and wondrous world of Carlos' eight-ball.
Kim was at her ropes end with Jimmy. But she watched Oprah, she was familiar with the benefits of closure and she knew that's what he needed. Her only problem was trying to help Jimmy find it; have the whole Clarkeson accident flushed out so he could put it behind him. But even with the help of officers Sully, Davis, Bosco and Yokas, no one had been able to get any type of forgiveness from the military. Not even a Hallmark card.
This pissed off Kim more than anything. And she finally decided to do something.
Kim would contact every news source possible. If the military wasn't going to pay for what they did, then the public had a right to know what had happened. She would bring closure to Jimmy no matter what the consequences. So, she organized an impromptu meeting at the local bar, Second Alarm, for their next day off.
Everyone, including Dr.Morales and the police officers, arrived on time. Everyone, that is, except Jimmy.
*** *** ***
Jimmy sauntered in a half an hour late. Refusing the beer Bosco offered, he took a seat at the table. He wanted to be anywhere else but here. Now and then someone would try drawing him into the conversation, but he shrugged them off or gave a one word answer.
Jimmy sat quietly, observing his friends. No one seemed to notice his indifference to the discussion. He listened to everything being said, and kept up a detached front, but it was difficult. Every part of him wanted to scream; wanted to slam his fists on the table and make them all shut up. He didn't want to keep hearing about the incident. He didn't want people tip-toeing around him, walking on eggshells in his presence asking if he needed anything.
Jimmy wanted to forget. And these people weren't letting him; trying to rehash it every time he was around. He didn't need the constant rememberance- he got enough of that on his own. It invaded his dreams, it continually possessed his subconscious, and work was the only escape he had. But the people of the third watch, albeit with good intentions, were only making the situation worse. And now they were dragging him into this- saying he needed closure. But he was beginning to think someone else needed closure more than him.
He was about to get up when his eyes settled on Kim across the table. Jimmy had never seen her look so determined, not even when Joey was being born. He let his eyes circle the room. The Captain, Doc, Carlos, and even Bobby...they were all mirror images of Kim's testament.
Guilt clawed at Jimmy. As much as he hated being there, he couldn't ignore one fact. They were doing this all for him. He didn't feel the need for this type of closure, but maybe they did. Maybe she did. He felt like he had been a burden long enough, and he didn't want to interfere with their healing. Didn't want to interfere with her healing. He had never realized how much his life still effected Kim's until now.
She had been right back in the hospital. She hadn't asked for this either.
Jimmy got up from the table without a word and headed for the bar. He returned with a fresh pitcher of beer. He started pouring out the glasses, ignoring the questioning looks. When he was done, he lifted his glass.
"Im not sure where to begin, but saying thanks seems to be a good start. And... I'm sorry." Jimmy bowed his head. "I've been sitting here watching, and listening. And I realized how lucky I am. You guys are a great bunch of friends, and I've been acting like a real pain in the ass these last couple of days-"
"Jimmy, you don't have to apologies..."
"Captain, let me finish. I *have* been acting like an ass. I've been pissing around acting like a martyr, not telling you what's going on- causing you all to worry. That's not like me. I'm usually the first person to say what's on my mind. The person who confronts things head on. If this had happened to any of you, I would've been the first one to start the fight. But it was me. Me and Bill and Peter Hunt. And I'm going to learn to live with it. Just give me time, and let me do this my way. You're drowning me, and I can't breathe. I'm not saying forgive and forget, just accept and move on."
The impact of Jimmy's words hung in the air. Bobby was the first to raise his own glass. "Here's to commencement. And hopefully, to a good night's sleep- for all of us."
When they all finished drinking down their beer, Jimmy turned from the table and tucked in his chair. "There's just one more thing," he said, putting on his jacket. "I really appreciate what you're all doing for me, but I don't think I can be around. When you need me, you know where to find me. But I don't want to be involved in all the little details. I need space. So you guys carry on without me. I've got a date with my bed right now."
Kim smiled. "Hey, Jimmy. If you need any help, you know where to find us."
Jimmy glanced at her across the table. "I'll try and remember how to ask," he said, turning for the door.
*** *** ***
At the beginning of their next shift, Kim was pacing the locker room. Jimmy was going to be late. He had ten minutes till roll call, which was cutting it pretty close. And Kim was starting to worry that Jimmy would not show up at all.
Her fears were relinquished when the door swung open. Jimmy walked in, his shoulders hunched, face drawn out. Kim's stomach began to swim as her ex-husband slumped down on the bench at the end of his bed.
Jimmy dropped his head into his hands and began sobbing.
Kim sat next to him, unabashed surprise etched on her features. Over all these years, she had never seen Jimmy cry. "Hey, Jimmy, it's okay...You're gonna be all right."
Kim was instantly enveloped in a tangle of arms. Jimmy wrapped himself around her torso, burying his head in his chest. "Oh, Kim... hold me."
Kim realized Jimmy's sobs weren't sobs after all. They were childish giggles. She grabbed his arms and threw him off. "Get away from me!"
Jimmy began laughing uncontrollably, clutching his stomach. "You should have seen the look on your face!"
Kim put her foot on Jimmy's thigh and gave it a hard shove. He landed on the floor with a thud. But he continued to laugh anyway.
Kim didn't think it was funny at all. "I hope your enjoying yourself! You have a real sick sense of humor you know?... That's right, laugh it up funny boy." But then she couldn't help herself. She started to laugh right along side her friend sprawled on the floor. "It's good to have ya back, Jimmy."
The firefighter stopped laughing long enough to hear the words. He looked at Kim thoughtfully. "It's good to be back."
*** *** ***
*Author's Note: Nothing much to say here except- The End.
Chapter Five
**********
August 22. 0859h. Station 55. Day room.
"Apparently they can cover this up," stated the Captain, slamming the phone down. He looked at the rest of third watch, sans Jimmy, sitting around the table. "Steve over at headquarters says they can't find the tape. Some how it's gone missing."
"So, what do we do now?" asked Kim.
"You're asking me? I've never done anything like this before."
"That tape was important," voiced Doc. "It was our only clear cut evidence that they were there. Our letters can't stand on their own."
*** *** ***
August 22. 1000h. Hospital. Doherty and Robert's room.
Jimmy rolled his head to the side, grinning at his roommate. Bill had woken up an hour after Kim and Morales' visit the other day, but was further behind in recovering. With nothing else to do they had done a lot of talking. They were also starting to get on each other's nerves.
"Hey, Bill," Jimmy called, a crooked grin on his face.
Bill slowly lolled his head to the side. "What is it now?" he sighed.
"Watch this." Jimmy lifted his left arm and began waving it at the still paralyzed police officer. "Hahahahaha..."
"Don't mock me, funny boy."
*** *** ***
August 25. 1300h. St. Clemmens Cemetery.
Jimmy and Bill, recovered and free from the hospital and each others taunts, strolled through the landscaped garden. It was a typical, pleasant New York afternoon with the sun shining, a slight breeze ruffling the trees. Peter Hunt had died from complications due to the gas, and today was the first time since the funeral Jimmy and Bill had been able to visit alone. They felt a certain bond with the firefighter- especially Jimmy. An unfortunate one, but one they would never forget. They wanted to say a private good-bye now that it was over.
They each had their own demons to face after the accident, but their physical recovery was a giant step in the right direction. Neither had been permantly damaged, and were both hoping to get back to work as soon as possible. But first, they had some unfinished business to attend to.
They crouched beside the tombstone; each in his own way saying a silent prayer.
Bill opened his eyes, searching Jimmy's face. "Did you know him?" he asked sofly.
Jimmy shook his head. "Not really," he replied, laying the flowers they had brought on the soft soil. "I'd seen him before. You know, around scenes. But I never got to know him. But right now, that doesn't seem to matter."
Bill reached out and ran his hand along the smooth stone. The sun beating down made it hot to touch, but Bill didn't mind. He kept his hand there. "I'm sure he was a great guy."
"Actually," grinned Jimmy. "I heard he was a bit of an ass hole."
Bill chuckled softly, retracting his hand. He played absently with the dirt at his feet. "Well, we don't have to remember him that way. You know what I mean."
Jimmy nodded, pushing off the ground stiffly. "No we don't. Let's remember him as...as...as a man who died for..."
"For what?" questioned Bill, his eyebrows raised. "His country?"
"Yeah, maybe not a good idea." Jimmy thought about it a bit more and shook his head. "I guess we'll just have to remember him as an ass hole," he laughed. "I'm all out of ideas.".
They knew it wasn't funny, but they couldn't help it. The situation was all too surreal to take seriously. "That's all you can come up with?" Bill said, slapping Jimmy on the shoulder and pushing back towards the road. "Come on, we have to be able to do better than that."
*** *** ***
August 30. 0330h. Station 55.
Jimmy's first day back at work had gone well. Kim, and the rest of the shift, had watched him closely, looking for any indications that he wasn't quite ready yet. They were all too aware of Jimmy's tendencies to return to work prematurely. But nothing had stood out so far. And that night Kim went to bed with peace of mind. Jimmy was his old cocky, annoying self once again.
But at 0330h, unbeknownst to Kim and the rest of the crew at the station, Jimmy was in the bay doing anything he could think of to delay sleep. Jimmy was in his turnout pants and T-shirt doing pushups between the engines. After the nightmares he had experienced the last few nights, he had decided he wasn't going to sleep ever again.
He knew that was impossible, but he was willing to give it a try. Every time he went to sleep he dreamt he woke up paralyzed, suffocating in his coffin. He'd never been claustrophobic before, but he figured it was never too late to try something new.
Remembering the images made him shudder. He jumped to his feet and began another set of jumping jacks. He was at thirty when he heard noise above him. Startled, he quickly, yet quietly, maneuvered around the engine and ducked up the stairs to the kitchen.
A moment later Kim walked in rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She had woken up and had gone to check on Jimmy and noticed his bunk empty. She had a feeling she would find him here. But she was surprised to find him wide awake, sweating, and all together too chipper.
"Hey, Kim. What are you doing up?"
"I... I just came to see where you went," she replied, joining him at the sink.
Jimmy turned on the faucet, grabbed a glass and filled it. "Just getting some water. Why don't you go back to sleep, I think I can handle it. I am capable of getting a drink of water on my own. Self taught actually. The experts were amazed."
Kim eyed him carefully. "Maybe I'll just have some water too."
"Here have this," offered Jimmy, passing her the untouched glass.
"Aren't you going to drink it?"
"Me? No. Not thirsty." Jimmy started backing towards the door, stumbling over a chair in his retreat. "I'm going back to bed now... Got a big day planned for tomorrow. You know how it is... Gonna clean the garage..." When he finally reached the exit he paused, tried to say something, but changed his mind.
Kim watched with concern as he disappeared around the corner. She changed her mind as well. Her earlier assumption had been wrong. Jimmy was not back to his old self. Kim started to put the glass away, but stopped. She looked over her shoulder puzzled. "Clean what garage? Jimmy, you don't have a garage?"
*** *** ***
After another shift of finding Jimmy unable to sleep, Kim decided to do something. She couldn't let Jimmy continue like this. He wasn't going out on his personal time, he was neglecting Joey, and through it all he denied any problems. That was Kim's first clue something was still wrong. And she had a feeling she knew what he needed.
Jimmy needed closure. It was obvious to everyone now he was having a hard time coping' always restless, exhausted, and unnaturally subdued. It hadn't reflected in his work yet, but Kim didn't want to let it get to that. She had tried to talk to him, but trying only pushed him further away.
The Captain had suggested a departmental psychologist, but Jimmy had refused. Doc had offered to arrange a group session, but that had only managed to tick Jimmy off more. He had even refused to delve into the mysterious and wondrous world of Carlos' eight-ball.
Kim was at her ropes end with Jimmy. But she watched Oprah, she was familiar with the benefits of closure and she knew that's what he needed. Her only problem was trying to help Jimmy find it; have the whole Clarkeson accident flushed out so he could put it behind him. But even with the help of officers Sully, Davis, Bosco and Yokas, no one had been able to get any type of forgiveness from the military. Not even a Hallmark card.
This pissed off Kim more than anything. And she finally decided to do something.
Kim would contact every news source possible. If the military wasn't going to pay for what they did, then the public had a right to know what had happened. She would bring closure to Jimmy no matter what the consequences. So, she organized an impromptu meeting at the local bar, Second Alarm, for their next day off.
Everyone, including Dr.Morales and the police officers, arrived on time. Everyone, that is, except Jimmy.
*** *** ***
Jimmy sauntered in a half an hour late. Refusing the beer Bosco offered, he took a seat at the table. He wanted to be anywhere else but here. Now and then someone would try drawing him into the conversation, but he shrugged them off or gave a one word answer.
Jimmy sat quietly, observing his friends. No one seemed to notice his indifference to the discussion. He listened to everything being said, and kept up a detached front, but it was difficult. Every part of him wanted to scream; wanted to slam his fists on the table and make them all shut up. He didn't want to keep hearing about the incident. He didn't want people tip-toeing around him, walking on eggshells in his presence asking if he needed anything.
Jimmy wanted to forget. And these people weren't letting him; trying to rehash it every time he was around. He didn't need the constant rememberance- he got enough of that on his own. It invaded his dreams, it continually possessed his subconscious, and work was the only escape he had. But the people of the third watch, albeit with good intentions, were only making the situation worse. And now they were dragging him into this- saying he needed closure. But he was beginning to think someone else needed closure more than him.
He was about to get up when his eyes settled on Kim across the table. Jimmy had never seen her look so determined, not even when Joey was being born. He let his eyes circle the room. The Captain, Doc, Carlos, and even Bobby...they were all mirror images of Kim's testament.
Guilt clawed at Jimmy. As much as he hated being there, he couldn't ignore one fact. They were doing this all for him. He didn't feel the need for this type of closure, but maybe they did. Maybe she did. He felt like he had been a burden long enough, and he didn't want to interfere with their healing. Didn't want to interfere with her healing. He had never realized how much his life still effected Kim's until now.
She had been right back in the hospital. She hadn't asked for this either.
Jimmy got up from the table without a word and headed for the bar. He returned with a fresh pitcher of beer. He started pouring out the glasses, ignoring the questioning looks. When he was done, he lifted his glass.
"Im not sure where to begin, but saying thanks seems to be a good start. And... I'm sorry." Jimmy bowed his head. "I've been sitting here watching, and listening. And I realized how lucky I am. You guys are a great bunch of friends, and I've been acting like a real pain in the ass these last couple of days-"
"Jimmy, you don't have to apologies..."
"Captain, let me finish. I *have* been acting like an ass. I've been pissing around acting like a martyr, not telling you what's going on- causing you all to worry. That's not like me. I'm usually the first person to say what's on my mind. The person who confronts things head on. If this had happened to any of you, I would've been the first one to start the fight. But it was me. Me and Bill and Peter Hunt. And I'm going to learn to live with it. Just give me time, and let me do this my way. You're drowning me, and I can't breathe. I'm not saying forgive and forget, just accept and move on."
The impact of Jimmy's words hung in the air. Bobby was the first to raise his own glass. "Here's to commencement. And hopefully, to a good night's sleep- for all of us."
When they all finished drinking down their beer, Jimmy turned from the table and tucked in his chair. "There's just one more thing," he said, putting on his jacket. "I really appreciate what you're all doing for me, but I don't think I can be around. When you need me, you know where to find me. But I don't want to be involved in all the little details. I need space. So you guys carry on without me. I've got a date with my bed right now."
Kim smiled. "Hey, Jimmy. If you need any help, you know where to find us."
Jimmy glanced at her across the table. "I'll try and remember how to ask," he said, turning for the door.
*** *** ***
At the beginning of their next shift, Kim was pacing the locker room. Jimmy was going to be late. He had ten minutes till roll call, which was cutting it pretty close. And Kim was starting to worry that Jimmy would not show up at all.
Her fears were relinquished when the door swung open. Jimmy walked in, his shoulders hunched, face drawn out. Kim's stomach began to swim as her ex-husband slumped down on the bench at the end of his bed.
Jimmy dropped his head into his hands and began sobbing.
Kim sat next to him, unabashed surprise etched on her features. Over all these years, she had never seen Jimmy cry. "Hey, Jimmy, it's okay...You're gonna be all right."
Kim was instantly enveloped in a tangle of arms. Jimmy wrapped himself around her torso, burying his head in his chest. "Oh, Kim... hold me."
Kim realized Jimmy's sobs weren't sobs after all. They were childish giggles. She grabbed his arms and threw him off. "Get away from me!"
Jimmy began laughing uncontrollably, clutching his stomach. "You should have seen the look on your face!"
Kim put her foot on Jimmy's thigh and gave it a hard shove. He landed on the floor with a thud. But he continued to laugh anyway.
Kim didn't think it was funny at all. "I hope your enjoying yourself! You have a real sick sense of humor you know?... That's right, laugh it up funny boy." But then she couldn't help herself. She started to laugh right along side her friend sprawled on the floor. "It's good to have ya back, Jimmy."
The firefighter stopped laughing long enough to hear the words. He looked at Kim thoughtfully. "It's good to be back."
*** *** ***
*Author's Note: Nothing much to say here except- The End.