TITLE: Avoiding the Truth
AUTHOR: Leni
DISCLAIMER: Do I torture you people each week with a new non-B/A episode? Do I make them live in different cities and be totally miserable? Do I make you see how depressing can love be?? No, I don't so the characters aren't mine. ( Though I *still* want those l-pants)
DISTRIBUTION: Want. Tell me. Take. Have.
AN: The story is told from two different POVs. It isn't difficult to guess whose are the thoughts but I'm telling anyway. I don't want you to get confused.
SUMMARY: After the breakup Buffy finds herself at Angel's Investigations. And no, it's not mushy or fluffy or anything like that... kinda depressing.
FEEDBACK: *Very* appreciated. (even flames as long as you're being fair) dani_vasq@hotmail.com
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I heard the door opening and the soft clicking of heels against the floor. What have forgotten Cordelia this time? Last week it was her purse, just yesterday her stake... sometimes I really had to remind myself why I had contracted her.
But the footsteps didn't stop at her desk, they continued to my door. Did she have something to discuss with me? And before the door opened I realized my mistake.
I knew who it was before actually seeing her and the figure at the doorframe only told me I was right.
There she was, exactly as I remembered her. Well, not *exactly*. She had changed in these months. Her pose spoke of maturity, of confidence, of... beauty and then I saw her face... and I had to frown at the vision. What had happened to her? Her eyes were sad, I could almost see the tears forming in them, her face was red and puffy, obviously she had been crying long before arriving here. What had happened? What did she want?
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I didn't know exactly why was I here of all places. I entered the building without actually acknowledging it, as if my body moved on its own accord. I passed through rooms and aisles without even seeing them until I stopped in front of his door. The first thing I saw after opening it were his eyes, they were staring at me just like they always did. In that moment I knew the reason of my visit. I had to end this, I had to end the misery that his memory stirred in me and I had to do it now.
"I hate you."
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"I hate you."
She said with such venom that I had no doubt that she was speaking the truth. Why? Or better yet, Why now? We hadn't seen each other for months, not even a phone call. I knew we hadn't parted in the best terms, we sure weren't even friends anymore but this was so... drastic.
She was expecting me to answer her, to challenge her and I found myself wanting to. But the words had died in my throat. What would they serve if she had made up her mind?
She left her position at the door and walked slowly towards my desk until she was standing in front of me. I couldn't see her in the eye, as I knew she wanted to. I couldn't find enough courage to see the hatred in them.
"Riley left me."
Five minutes ago I would have smiled. Now I only raised my head and obliged myself to really see her. She was devastated. Now I could notice her paleness, the fatigue and wariness in her features. Her eyes were not only sad, they held an anguish no human should ever feel. I had seen her like this only once, with the feel of her lips on mine and her sword through my body. Was she really so distressed because of that boy?
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I didn't know why had I said that. I hadn't meant to. But I felt his response immediately. I could feel his eyes examining my face, taking in every gesture and processing them into evidences of my state of mind. I knew he didn't pity me as the others did. He wasn't going to say that all things get better or that I would get over it and move on with my life. After all, he never tells things twice, he might think his monologue in the sewers was enough advice for me.
But I hadn't come here for his advice. I only wanted closure. I needed to end this chapter of my life. I only had to tell him the truth.
"All of this was... is your fault!" I nearly cried. I ignored the tears running over my cheeks.
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"All of this was... is your fault!"
I startled at that. *My* fault?! I hadn't even gone to Sunnydale and she was blaming *me* for the break up. Before I could give her a piece of my mind she began again.
"He said this... our relationship wasn't enough. He told me that he wasn't going to live in a lie, that I didn't love him..."
I just couldn't understand. First she was angry and mad, and now she was telling me everything as if I was her only confidant. Her tears spoke of bitterness and loneliness. How long had she endured feeling like this? She was breaking down right in front of me and I found myself wishing she would let me collect and repair the pieces.
"... and he was right."
Those little words took me aback. Had she just confessed she didn't love him? Why wouldn't she? He was the perfect boyfriend, the perfect partner, the perfect *lover*. He was everything I could have been... Now she sat shakily on a chair and sobbed silently. I forced myself NOT to raise myself from my seat and embrace her till the tears subsided. Instead I spoke.
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I felt like a loser. I am the Slayer, for God's sake! I am not supposed to weep like a ten-year-old. I could feel his hesitation as much as I felt my own grief. He wanted to console me. He left me and now he felt I needed comfort because my boyfriend left me too. Ironic. And yet I wasn't sure if I wanted him to come or not.
What he said next surprised me.
"You shouldn't be here"
No 'How are you feeling?' or 'What are you going to do now?' My mind was reeling. He was right, I knew it, but where else could I be? Friends or not he was the only one who could understand me. In that second my mind admitted that, no matter my recent decision of never seeing him again, I needed him today. Couldn't he feel it? How could he say *that*? Did he really want me to leave? I didn't know what startled me more, me asking it aloud or his answer.
"Yes."
I felt numb. Now I didn't even know why I was crying, I only felt the tears running over my cheeks. Through them I saw Angel standing up and coming towards me. He looked at me and moved as if to take me in his arms. I didn't move, I just couldn't. And then... nothing. He stopped himself as if remembering something and grabbed my arm.
"Come on, Buffy. I'll help you to your car."
He really was kicking me out.
I snapped out of my trance and pushed him away. He looked at me surprised, not that I could blame him, *I* was surprised at myself… and at him. I looked deep into his eyes and suddenly I realized how different were they now. No guilt, no grief. Now I could recognize those emotions everywhere, after all I saw them on the mirror each morning.
He gestured to the door, the meaning of this act was unmistakable. He was throwing me out as politely as possible. What was happening here? The Angel I knew wouldn't be doing this, but then the Angel I knew used to love me. I looked him in the eye and I knew he wasn't playing around. He really wanted me out of his life. But wasn't that what I had come for? To find closure. Wasn't that what he was offering me?
And then I knew what to do.
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"You shouldn't be here"
It pained me to say it but it was the truth. I was no longer part of her life. If she wanted a shoulder to lean on it couldn't be mine. No matter how much I wanted to. She could be my only love but she wasn't the girl with the silly grin after a kiss anymore. I couldn't gather her in my arms and kiss her tears away, I couldn't whisper soft words in her ear and make her feel better. Now she was a woman and she wasn't mine.
"Do you really want me to leave?"
For a moment I didn't know what to say. She sounded so lost, so insecure. But I couldn't help her. Being with me could only stir more painful feelings than the new ones. The sooner I was out of her life, the sooner she would be all right. This was the third time I was letting her go for her own good and it wasn't easier than the first one.
"Yes."
She practically flinched at my voice, maybe it was too harsh. Now she was crying openly, heartfelt sobs shaking her body. Before I knew it I was at her side just about to embrace her. She looked at me with those tearful eyes and I had to stop myself. If I let myself do it we both would be lost, she would leave again and this time I wasn't prepared for it. Instead I grabbed her arm and tried to pull her gently from her seat.
"Come on, Buffy. I'll help you to your car..."
She pushed me apart before I could end my sentence. She glanced at me and I could feel her eyes looking for something in mine. She seemed slightly content with whatever she found. In that moment I knew that I didn't care if she only came to shout at me or if she came looking for my help. I loved her and I needed her out of here before my heart felt to pieces... again.
So I gestured towards the door. I just couldn't find it in me to say anything. She looked at me disbelieving and seeing her eyes I noticed again how devastated she really was, she didn't even try to hide it, not that she could ever hide something from me. No matter who was she with I was the only one who could understand her. And the only one who left her alone, too. No... I wasn't the *only* one anymore. Riley had left her in this state. I always said I didn't like him; but even I wouldn't have pictured him as such an idiot. How could he even *think* of leaving her? She was everything worth something in this world and he put it away. I couldn't help but notice the irony: I was angry with someone who has done the same as me. But then, I was angry with myself all the time. At least I had my reasons, it always was... *is* for her own good. She never understood it...
I saw her standing up and coming towards me.
...and she certainly won't do it now.
A feather-kiss against my cheek and a scent of vanilla in the air.
"Goodbye, Angel"
A slight caress and too sad, too old, too green eyes. A flash of those very eyes shining with love passed through my mind. Whatever happened with those times?
And then she started to leave.
Silence...
I wanted to shout. I wanted to grab her and shake her until she accepted me back. I wanted to make her believe in *us* again. But what would she do? Accept me gladly in her arms? I doubt it. Laugh at me? Not even that.
"Goodbye?" I heard myself whisper softly. She didn't even turn round.
I wanted to ask all the questions I knew I should not. Why was she here? What did she really want? Did she have the same dreams I had? Did she have any at all? Did she smile when she remembered me? Did she have to brush a tear off her cheek? I wanted to ask everything but the same gutwrenching determination I had after her graduation held me back. I didn't say a single word. I couldn't. Not that it would have changed anything.
She was already at the door.
Sigh.
We had never said 'goodbye' before. So that was it. Our star-crossed romance was over. I saw her leaving my office with the same feeling of hopelessness as the first time. And looking at her retreating figure I realized that maybe, just maybe, her answer would have changed everything.
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He stood there unmoving. He didn't say anything to stop me... not that I wanted him to. But I could feel his eyes on my back all the time. I wanted to cry but there was no reason to, was there? I had achieved what I came for. Everything was over. Just what I wanted. I only had to get to Sunnydale and everything would be all right again.
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*** Don't kill me please!!! *leni hides behind her chair and begs for her life* I was going to write a happy ending, I swear it. But my evil side took over. But then... there'll be a sequel. (if I have time inbetween classes *and* there's enough petitions, that's it) Tell me what you think.***
AUTHOR: Leni
DISCLAIMER: Do I torture you people each week with a new non-B/A episode? Do I make them live in different cities and be totally miserable? Do I make you see how depressing can love be?? No, I don't so the characters aren't mine. ( Though I *still* want those l-pants)
DISTRIBUTION: Want. Tell me. Take. Have.
AN: The story is told from two different POVs. It isn't difficult to guess whose are the thoughts but I'm telling anyway. I don't want you to get confused.
SUMMARY: After the breakup Buffy finds herself at Angel's Investigations. And no, it's not mushy or fluffy or anything like that... kinda depressing.
FEEDBACK: *Very* appreciated. (even flames as long as you're being fair) dani_vasq@hotmail.com
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I heard the door opening and the soft clicking of heels against the floor. What have forgotten Cordelia this time? Last week it was her purse, just yesterday her stake... sometimes I really had to remind myself why I had contracted her.
But the footsteps didn't stop at her desk, they continued to my door. Did she have something to discuss with me? And before the door opened I realized my mistake.
I knew who it was before actually seeing her and the figure at the doorframe only told me I was right.
There she was, exactly as I remembered her. Well, not *exactly*. She had changed in these months. Her pose spoke of maturity, of confidence, of... beauty and then I saw her face... and I had to frown at the vision. What had happened to her? Her eyes were sad, I could almost see the tears forming in them, her face was red and puffy, obviously she had been crying long before arriving here. What had happened? What did she want?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't know exactly why was I here of all places. I entered the building without actually acknowledging it, as if my body moved on its own accord. I passed through rooms and aisles without even seeing them until I stopped in front of his door. The first thing I saw after opening it were his eyes, they were staring at me just like they always did. In that moment I knew the reason of my visit. I had to end this, I had to end the misery that his memory stirred in me and I had to do it now.
"I hate you."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I hate you."
She said with such venom that I had no doubt that she was speaking the truth. Why? Or better yet, Why now? We hadn't seen each other for months, not even a phone call. I knew we hadn't parted in the best terms, we sure weren't even friends anymore but this was so... drastic.
She was expecting me to answer her, to challenge her and I found myself wanting to. But the words had died in my throat. What would they serve if she had made up her mind?
She left her position at the door and walked slowly towards my desk until she was standing in front of me. I couldn't see her in the eye, as I knew she wanted to. I couldn't find enough courage to see the hatred in them.
"Riley left me."
Five minutes ago I would have smiled. Now I only raised my head and obliged myself to really see her. She was devastated. Now I could notice her paleness, the fatigue and wariness in her features. Her eyes were not only sad, they held an anguish no human should ever feel. I had seen her like this only once, with the feel of her lips on mine and her sword through my body. Was she really so distressed because of that boy?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't know why had I said that. I hadn't meant to. But I felt his response immediately. I could feel his eyes examining my face, taking in every gesture and processing them into evidences of my state of mind. I knew he didn't pity me as the others did. He wasn't going to say that all things get better or that I would get over it and move on with my life. After all, he never tells things twice, he might think his monologue in the sewers was enough advice for me.
But I hadn't come here for his advice. I only wanted closure. I needed to end this chapter of my life. I only had to tell him the truth.
"All of this was... is your fault!" I nearly cried. I ignored the tears running over my cheeks.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"All of this was... is your fault!"
I startled at that. *My* fault?! I hadn't even gone to Sunnydale and she was blaming *me* for the break up. Before I could give her a piece of my mind she began again.
"He said this... our relationship wasn't enough. He told me that he wasn't going to live in a lie, that I didn't love him..."
I just couldn't understand. First she was angry and mad, and now she was telling me everything as if I was her only confidant. Her tears spoke of bitterness and loneliness. How long had she endured feeling like this? She was breaking down right in front of me and I found myself wishing she would let me collect and repair the pieces.
"... and he was right."
Those little words took me aback. Had she just confessed she didn't love him? Why wouldn't she? He was the perfect boyfriend, the perfect partner, the perfect *lover*. He was everything I could have been... Now she sat shakily on a chair and sobbed silently. I forced myself NOT to raise myself from my seat and embrace her till the tears subsided. Instead I spoke.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I felt like a loser. I am the Slayer, for God's sake! I am not supposed to weep like a ten-year-old. I could feel his hesitation as much as I felt my own grief. He wanted to console me. He left me and now he felt I needed comfort because my boyfriend left me too. Ironic. And yet I wasn't sure if I wanted him to come or not.
What he said next surprised me.
"You shouldn't be here"
No 'How are you feeling?' or 'What are you going to do now?' My mind was reeling. He was right, I knew it, but where else could I be? Friends or not he was the only one who could understand me. In that second my mind admitted that, no matter my recent decision of never seeing him again, I needed him today. Couldn't he feel it? How could he say *that*? Did he really want me to leave? I didn't know what startled me more, me asking it aloud or his answer.
"Yes."
I felt numb. Now I didn't even know why I was crying, I only felt the tears running over my cheeks. Through them I saw Angel standing up and coming towards me. He looked at me and moved as if to take me in his arms. I didn't move, I just couldn't. And then... nothing. He stopped himself as if remembering something and grabbed my arm.
"Come on, Buffy. I'll help you to your car."
He really was kicking me out.
I snapped out of my trance and pushed him away. He looked at me surprised, not that I could blame him, *I* was surprised at myself… and at him. I looked deep into his eyes and suddenly I realized how different were they now. No guilt, no grief. Now I could recognize those emotions everywhere, after all I saw them on the mirror each morning.
He gestured to the door, the meaning of this act was unmistakable. He was throwing me out as politely as possible. What was happening here? The Angel I knew wouldn't be doing this, but then the Angel I knew used to love me. I looked him in the eye and I knew he wasn't playing around. He really wanted me out of his life. But wasn't that what I had come for? To find closure. Wasn't that what he was offering me?
And then I knew what to do.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You shouldn't be here"
It pained me to say it but it was the truth. I was no longer part of her life. If she wanted a shoulder to lean on it couldn't be mine. No matter how much I wanted to. She could be my only love but she wasn't the girl with the silly grin after a kiss anymore. I couldn't gather her in my arms and kiss her tears away, I couldn't whisper soft words in her ear and make her feel better. Now she was a woman and she wasn't mine.
"Do you really want me to leave?"
For a moment I didn't know what to say. She sounded so lost, so insecure. But I couldn't help her. Being with me could only stir more painful feelings than the new ones. The sooner I was out of her life, the sooner she would be all right. This was the third time I was letting her go for her own good and it wasn't easier than the first one.
"Yes."
She practically flinched at my voice, maybe it was too harsh. Now she was crying openly, heartfelt sobs shaking her body. Before I knew it I was at her side just about to embrace her. She looked at me with those tearful eyes and I had to stop myself. If I let myself do it we both would be lost, she would leave again and this time I wasn't prepared for it. Instead I grabbed her arm and tried to pull her gently from her seat.
"Come on, Buffy. I'll help you to your car..."
She pushed me apart before I could end my sentence. She glanced at me and I could feel her eyes looking for something in mine. She seemed slightly content with whatever she found. In that moment I knew that I didn't care if she only came to shout at me or if she came looking for my help. I loved her and I needed her out of here before my heart felt to pieces... again.
So I gestured towards the door. I just couldn't find it in me to say anything. She looked at me disbelieving and seeing her eyes I noticed again how devastated she really was, she didn't even try to hide it, not that she could ever hide something from me. No matter who was she with I was the only one who could understand her. And the only one who left her alone, too. No... I wasn't the *only* one anymore. Riley had left her in this state. I always said I didn't like him; but even I wouldn't have pictured him as such an idiot. How could he even *think* of leaving her? She was everything worth something in this world and he put it away. I couldn't help but notice the irony: I was angry with someone who has done the same as me. But then, I was angry with myself all the time. At least I had my reasons, it always was... *is* for her own good. She never understood it...
I saw her standing up and coming towards me.
...and she certainly won't do it now.
A feather-kiss against my cheek and a scent of vanilla in the air.
"Goodbye, Angel"
A slight caress and too sad, too old, too green eyes. A flash of those very eyes shining with love passed through my mind. Whatever happened with those times?
And then she started to leave.
Silence...
I wanted to shout. I wanted to grab her and shake her until she accepted me back. I wanted to make her believe in *us* again. But what would she do? Accept me gladly in her arms? I doubt it. Laugh at me? Not even that.
"Goodbye?" I heard myself whisper softly. She didn't even turn round.
I wanted to ask all the questions I knew I should not. Why was she here? What did she really want? Did she have the same dreams I had? Did she have any at all? Did she smile when she remembered me? Did she have to brush a tear off her cheek? I wanted to ask everything but the same gutwrenching determination I had after her graduation held me back. I didn't say a single word. I couldn't. Not that it would have changed anything.
She was already at the door.
Sigh.
We had never said 'goodbye' before. So that was it. Our star-crossed romance was over. I saw her leaving my office with the same feeling of hopelessness as the first time. And looking at her retreating figure I realized that maybe, just maybe, her answer would have changed everything.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He stood there unmoving. He didn't say anything to stop me... not that I wanted him to. But I could feel his eyes on my back all the time. I wanted to cry but there was no reason to, was there? I had achieved what I came for. Everything was over. Just what I wanted. I only had to get to Sunnydale and everything would be all right again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*** Don't kill me please!!! *leni hides behind her chair and begs for her life* I was going to write a happy ending, I swear it. But my evil side took over. But then... there'll be a sequel. (if I have time inbetween classes *and* there's enough petitions, that's it) Tell me what you think.***