I waited patiently on Wednesday, knowing that my boyfriend would soon arrive. If nothing else during the week went according to plan, we could both fall back on our special day together. Mom had cooking lessons, and I was supposed to be alone, or studying for the three hours until she got home.
For all of his cocky assurance, and his plans that constantly failed, I counted myself lucky to find a guy who could be as sensitive as Dai. He's not the type to cry at movies, or ogle over a baby, or anything truly feminine like that, but he seemed to be able to read my moods, and understand me. He's exactly what I need in a partner, and I couldn't be luckier.
Of course, we had our arguements. I know of few couples that don't. The only thing that really bothers me in our relationship is the fact that he can't tell me he loves me. I've accepted it up to a point, but it niggles at the back of my mind, and sends a sinking feeling to my stomach when I tell him I love him, and he doesn't respond. I've taken to covering his silence by moving on to the next topic, but I have a dream where he puts a finger over my lips to silence me, and then tells me that I'm his everything, that he can't exist in the world without me.
I think even Miyako would have a problem with my sappiness. Except that she doesn't know. None of the others know about Dai and me. I don't want them to know yet, especially after talking with Matt yesterday. If I can't count on my own brother to accept me, how can I expect my friends to?
I don't want to think about it, though. If he can't tell me he loves me, then I don't want the world to know what a fool I am to have fallen so hard for someone who may not return my feelings in the depth I need. And I am needy. I crave the words, but can live without them as long as he holds me. Which happens to sparingly.
Between basketball practice and conditioning, and soccer practice and matches for him, we rarely spend the time together that we should. We're constantly running off in two different directions, with a smile, or look in between. Definitely not something to build a relationship on.
There was a knock on the door, and I jumped up, getting to it as quickly as possible. I opened it, and he looked up at me, is eyes dark, his hair unruly. I ushered him in quickly, grinning like an idiot. Instead of going into the living room, though, he went into the kitchen, and sat down opposite of the chair that was still pulled out. My smile faded, and I could feel the sinking feeling begin to naw at the lining of my stomach, as if some great beast was giving me a final warning that it wanted out.
I sat down, and reached across for his hands. He curled his tanned fingers through mine, meeting my gaze seriously. I swallowed hard, and tried to smile. "Hi. How was practice?"
"Fine." He looked down at our hands, leaving me to look at the top of his head. "We need to talk."
He squeezed my hand, as if trying to reassure me. I slipped them out of his grasp, and crossed them patiently on the table. "Okay. Why don't you start?" I wanted to silence him, tell him to stop, beg for him to let it go. We can go on without whatever it is. It's not important. I love you, and you care for me, and we can let it go at that.
"I want to tell the others." No, no no! "It's not right to hide behind their backs like this, Takeru. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to us. We should have faith in them, trust them to stand beside us." His eyes were pleading. I shook my head.
"Not yet. Just a little more time, Dai. Please? I can't just come out to them. My brother will hate me, and he'll tell Mom, and then what? We'll both be hated, and constantly watched. It won't be a relationship, but a three-ring circus. Don't do that to us, Dai."
"These people have stood by us through our worst of times. Have a little faith, Takeru. And should it all end badly, we'll still have each other."
"Really? Why should I risk my family and life for a relationship with someone who can't tell me how they feel. I do I know that you won't be gone in a year, leaving me to face their disgust and disdain on my own? What guarantee do I have that you'll be around long enough to make it worthwhile?"
"I can't believe you have so little faith in me! What kind of relationship is built on guilt, and fear, and distrust? We don't have a relationship if you can't get the balls to tell your brother, and our friends."
He stood up, and stormed out, leaving me at the table and staring at the back of his chair. I heard the door slam shut, the wood rattling in its frame. The tears began to well up, and I sniffled, the nawing feeling turning into a knife-stab of pain in my chest.
For all of his cocky assurance, and his plans that constantly failed, I counted myself lucky to find a guy who could be as sensitive as Dai. He's not the type to cry at movies, or ogle over a baby, or anything truly feminine like that, but he seemed to be able to read my moods, and understand me. He's exactly what I need in a partner, and I couldn't be luckier.
Of course, we had our arguements. I know of few couples that don't. The only thing that really bothers me in our relationship is the fact that he can't tell me he loves me. I've accepted it up to a point, but it niggles at the back of my mind, and sends a sinking feeling to my stomach when I tell him I love him, and he doesn't respond. I've taken to covering his silence by moving on to the next topic, but I have a dream where he puts a finger over my lips to silence me, and then tells me that I'm his everything, that he can't exist in the world without me.
I think even Miyako would have a problem with my sappiness. Except that she doesn't know. None of the others know about Dai and me. I don't want them to know yet, especially after talking with Matt yesterday. If I can't count on my own brother to accept me, how can I expect my friends to?
I don't want to think about it, though. If he can't tell me he loves me, then I don't want the world to know what a fool I am to have fallen so hard for someone who may not return my feelings in the depth I need. And I am needy. I crave the words, but can live without them as long as he holds me. Which happens to sparingly.
Between basketball practice and conditioning, and soccer practice and matches for him, we rarely spend the time together that we should. We're constantly running off in two different directions, with a smile, or look in between. Definitely not something to build a relationship on.
There was a knock on the door, and I jumped up, getting to it as quickly as possible. I opened it, and he looked up at me, is eyes dark, his hair unruly. I ushered him in quickly, grinning like an idiot. Instead of going into the living room, though, he went into the kitchen, and sat down opposite of the chair that was still pulled out. My smile faded, and I could feel the sinking feeling begin to naw at the lining of my stomach, as if some great beast was giving me a final warning that it wanted out.
I sat down, and reached across for his hands. He curled his tanned fingers through mine, meeting my gaze seriously. I swallowed hard, and tried to smile. "Hi. How was practice?"
"Fine." He looked down at our hands, leaving me to look at the top of his head. "We need to talk."
He squeezed my hand, as if trying to reassure me. I slipped them out of his grasp, and crossed them patiently on the table. "Okay. Why don't you start?" I wanted to silence him, tell him to stop, beg for him to let it go. We can go on without whatever it is. It's not important. I love you, and you care for me, and we can let it go at that.
"I want to tell the others." No, no no! "It's not right to hide behind their backs like this, Takeru. It's not fair to them, and it's not fair to us. We should have faith in them, trust them to stand beside us." His eyes were pleading. I shook my head.
"Not yet. Just a little more time, Dai. Please? I can't just come out to them. My brother will hate me, and he'll tell Mom, and then what? We'll both be hated, and constantly watched. It won't be a relationship, but a three-ring circus. Don't do that to us, Dai."
"These people have stood by us through our worst of times. Have a little faith, Takeru. And should it all end badly, we'll still have each other."
"Really? Why should I risk my family and life for a relationship with someone who can't tell me how they feel. I do I know that you won't be gone in a year, leaving me to face their disgust and disdain on my own? What guarantee do I have that you'll be around long enough to make it worthwhile?"
"I can't believe you have so little faith in me! What kind of relationship is built on guilt, and fear, and distrust? We don't have a relationship if you can't get the balls to tell your brother, and our friends."
He stood up, and stormed out, leaving me at the table and staring at the back of his chair. I heard the door slam shut, the wood rattling in its frame. The tears began to well up, and I sniffled, the nawing feeling turning into a knife-stab of pain in my chest.