My eyes were red when I knocked on the door. Blue eyes met mine, and I pushed my brother further back into the apartment. He didn't stand a chance.
"You!" I pointed an accusing finger at his chest, then pushed him onto the couch. "You are a homophibic, control freak who has always tried to make sure that the best was done for me. Thank you, but you suck. You are fired. I have...had a person to replace you, but my fear of you, of your disapproval stopped me. I fell in love, and gave it up because of you. You!"
He stared at me in stunned silence, hurt and confusion warring in his eyes. "Huh?"
I glared at him, fighting back the tears that I could feel in my eyes. "I had love, Yamato. I was in love, and loved, and I pushed it away because I knew that you wouldn't approve. I gave up one of the greatest things to ever happen to me, for fear of your disgust. Now, I don't care. You can hate me, you can taunt me, you can disown me, and beat my head in, but I will not be
swayed!"
He blinked at me, my words still making no sense to him. "What are you talking about? Who are you in love with?" He lifted his hands, and looked at me expectantly. I felt the anger pour out of me.
"I fell in love with Daisuke." I paused. That wasn't quite true. "Actually, I've been in love with him, but I didn't to have to deal with all of the pressure. Daisuke, being the bull-headed person that he is, took matters into his own hands, and made me own up to my feelings. He's been trying to get me to tell all of you since. I didn't want to. I was afraid of the rejection, the fallout of my being gay."
He bit his lip, and I knew that he was recalling our conversation from the other day. He opened his mouth, but I wasn't done yet.
"Well, you know what? I don't care. I love him, and I want to be with him, and the world can be damned. I will not give him up just to make you happy. If you disapprove, you can take your comments, and shove them up your nose. I will not listen, I will not live my life by the expectations of others."
"That's nice, TK. Now, would you like to sit down, and actually talk about this, or do you have someplace else to rant at?" That stopped me mid-rampage, and I sat down slowly beside him. "Do you feel better now?" I thought about that, and nodded. "I'm still a little confused."
I looked at him through narrowed eyes, trying to decide if he was going to kill me in the near future, or not. "What do you want me to clarify?"
He smirked at my fearful expression. The bastard. "You're in love with Daisuke?" Nod. "You two were going out?" Nod. "You broke up because he wanted to tell everyone, and you wouldn't?" Shrug. "What was the other reason?"
"He wouldn't tell me he loved me." I sniffled, fighting back the tears of a remembered pain. "It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that he can't seem to say it. He says he's 'uncertain', and he doesn't want to lead me on."
My brother put an arm around my shoulder and hugged me, letting me sob into his shoulder. We sat that way on the couch for a long time, letting the silence build and surround us. I had expected a different reaction than comfort. I wasn't about to complain. I should have had more trust in
my brother.
I think, sometimes, that there isn't anything he wouldn't do for me. He's always been willing to sacrifice most anything for the annoying pest he called a little brother. So maybe I had underestimated him overcoming his phobia when it came to accepting me.
The sun was setting when we moved. He stood up to turn on one of the lights, then walked to the phone. He spoke with our mother for a moment, telling her where I was, then offering to make sure that I got to school the next day. I followed him after he hung up, and he went to his room to find me an outfit for the night, and something to wear at school.
He tossed the clothes at me, then sat in his desk chair and picked up his guitar. He looked at me as he plucked the strings. "If he makes you happy, then I'll deal with it. I won't go out of my way to be mean to him, but if he hurts you, I'll make his life hell."
"Alright." There really wasn't much that I could say to that. He was actually being rather calm about the whole situation, and I wasn't going to push this conversation. "Thanks." I took myself off to the bathroom to change, slipping into a T-shirt and boxers. They weren't mine, but they fit well enough to be decent.
He pulled out a sleeping bag for me, then got ready for bed himself. We shut out the light, and laid down. I wondered what he was thinking, hoping that he wasn't really disgusted with me, and hiding it to save me pain. I would do such a thing for him, except that I tried to love his faults the same way that I loved his virtues. If you couldn't love a whole person, what was the
point of trying to love their pieces?
I jerked up suddenly, sitting up in the darkness, my eyes wide despite the lack of illumination. "Matt, if we moved to a different place, where no one knew us, and didn't tell anyone we were brothers, and pretended that we weren't related, would you still be able to think of me the way you do now?"
"Huh?" I laughed shakily, realizing that I'd woken him with the question. However, a thought was running rampant through my mind, and I wanted him to verify it for me.
"If we moved to a place where noone knew we were brothers, and I told everyone that I didn't know you, would you be able to think of me as the little brother I am now?"
"I'd probably kick your butt for being a rude little dude, why?" I smiled.
"Nothing." Tomorrow was already looking up.
"You!" I pointed an accusing finger at his chest, then pushed him onto the couch. "You are a homophibic, control freak who has always tried to make sure that the best was done for me. Thank you, but you suck. You are fired. I have...had a person to replace you, but my fear of you, of your disapproval stopped me. I fell in love, and gave it up because of you. You!"
He stared at me in stunned silence, hurt and confusion warring in his eyes. "Huh?"
I glared at him, fighting back the tears that I could feel in my eyes. "I had love, Yamato. I was in love, and loved, and I pushed it away because I knew that you wouldn't approve. I gave up one of the greatest things to ever happen to me, for fear of your disgust. Now, I don't care. You can hate me, you can taunt me, you can disown me, and beat my head in, but I will not be
swayed!"
He blinked at me, my words still making no sense to him. "What are you talking about? Who are you in love with?" He lifted his hands, and looked at me expectantly. I felt the anger pour out of me.
"I fell in love with Daisuke." I paused. That wasn't quite true. "Actually, I've been in love with him, but I didn't to have to deal with all of the pressure. Daisuke, being the bull-headed person that he is, took matters into his own hands, and made me own up to my feelings. He's been trying to get me to tell all of you since. I didn't want to. I was afraid of the rejection, the fallout of my being gay."
He bit his lip, and I knew that he was recalling our conversation from the other day. He opened his mouth, but I wasn't done yet.
"Well, you know what? I don't care. I love him, and I want to be with him, and the world can be damned. I will not give him up just to make you happy. If you disapprove, you can take your comments, and shove them up your nose. I will not listen, I will not live my life by the expectations of others."
"That's nice, TK. Now, would you like to sit down, and actually talk about this, or do you have someplace else to rant at?" That stopped me mid-rampage, and I sat down slowly beside him. "Do you feel better now?" I thought about that, and nodded. "I'm still a little confused."
I looked at him through narrowed eyes, trying to decide if he was going to kill me in the near future, or not. "What do you want me to clarify?"
He smirked at my fearful expression. The bastard. "You're in love with Daisuke?" Nod. "You two were going out?" Nod. "You broke up because he wanted to tell everyone, and you wouldn't?" Shrug. "What was the other reason?"
"He wouldn't tell me he loved me." I sniffled, fighting back the tears of a remembered pain. "It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that he can't seem to say it. He says he's 'uncertain', and he doesn't want to lead me on."
My brother put an arm around my shoulder and hugged me, letting me sob into his shoulder. We sat that way on the couch for a long time, letting the silence build and surround us. I had expected a different reaction than comfort. I wasn't about to complain. I should have had more trust in
my brother.
I think, sometimes, that there isn't anything he wouldn't do for me. He's always been willing to sacrifice most anything for the annoying pest he called a little brother. So maybe I had underestimated him overcoming his phobia when it came to accepting me.
The sun was setting when we moved. He stood up to turn on one of the lights, then walked to the phone. He spoke with our mother for a moment, telling her where I was, then offering to make sure that I got to school the next day. I followed him after he hung up, and he went to his room to find me an outfit for the night, and something to wear at school.
He tossed the clothes at me, then sat in his desk chair and picked up his guitar. He looked at me as he plucked the strings. "If he makes you happy, then I'll deal with it. I won't go out of my way to be mean to him, but if he hurts you, I'll make his life hell."
"Alright." There really wasn't much that I could say to that. He was actually being rather calm about the whole situation, and I wasn't going to push this conversation. "Thanks." I took myself off to the bathroom to change, slipping into a T-shirt and boxers. They weren't mine, but they fit well enough to be decent.
He pulled out a sleeping bag for me, then got ready for bed himself. We shut out the light, and laid down. I wondered what he was thinking, hoping that he wasn't really disgusted with me, and hiding it to save me pain. I would do such a thing for him, except that I tried to love his faults the same way that I loved his virtues. If you couldn't love a whole person, what was the
point of trying to love their pieces?
I jerked up suddenly, sitting up in the darkness, my eyes wide despite the lack of illumination. "Matt, if we moved to a different place, where no one knew us, and didn't tell anyone we were brothers, and pretended that we weren't related, would you still be able to think of me the way you do now?"
"Huh?" I laughed shakily, realizing that I'd woken him with the question. However, a thought was running rampant through my mind, and I wanted him to verify it for me.
"If we moved to a place where noone knew we were brothers, and I told everyone that I didn't know you, would you be able to think of me as the little brother I am now?"
"I'd probably kick your butt for being a rude little dude, why?" I smiled.
"Nothing." Tomorrow was already looking up.