Hey, people! Umm ... I guess this is a lame humor fic. It's old, too, from just after FFVII came out and there was no FF.net. So I was about thirteen when I wrote this. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I just want to make them crazy.
So here's...
FINAL FANTASY VII ON THE TITANIC
a story by fee
All of the Turks and Rufus are at the ship's bow.
Rufus: (standing on railing) I'm the king of the world!
Rude: Whatever. Only 'cause Sephiroth murdered your father.
Rufus: Aren't I lucky?
Elena: Um, I know you're all excited, but shouldn't we be finding Cloud?
Jack: Hey, get off my railing!
Tseng: Who the hell are you?
Jack: I'm Jack Dawson from Chippewa Falls in Wisconsin.
Reno: Go away, pretty boy. We're doing some evil scheming.
Jack: Who're you callin' pretty boy? Least I don't have long hair.
Reno: Least I don't wear a goddam corset.
Jack: Least I...
(Cloud walks by and waves to Rude.)
Rude: ...
Meanwhile, at the ship's stern...
Cloud: Wow, this ship is big!
Yuffie: This sucks!
Aeris: Why are we here again?
Tifa: You forgot? The writer of this fanfic is on cheap drugs.
Cid: @#*%! So we're stuck here until she finishes this goddamn mother%#@*ing story?
Tifa: Yup. Or at least 'til the trip wears off.
Yuffie: This really sucks!
Vincent: So what exactly will happen?
Cloud: The ship's going to sink.
All (except Cloud): WHAT??
Cloud: All us guys are going to die. The girls'll be fine, though.
Yuffie: Ha, ha! You suck!
Rose runs by them, crying and sobbing.
Barret: Wha' the hell was her problem, runnin' like dat?
Red: SPEAK NORMAL DAMMIT!! This ain't the Mr. T Improv Hour!
Aeris: Let's follow that girl.
They run over to the railing where Rose is ready to jump.
Cloud: What's up with you?
Rose (taken aback): Get back! I'll jump!
Yuffie: Jump then.
Rose: What??
Yuffie: I said jump.
Rose: You want me to JUMP! READ THE SCRIPT! You idiots! Where's Jack? He's supposed to save me and I'm supposed to fall in love with him!!
Tifa: Who's Jack??
Cloud: Who cares?? Don't jump!
Vincent (rolls his eyes): Don't do it, Rose! *in a false panicked voice*
Rose (raises an eyebrow): How did you know my name?
Vincent: (shrugs) I read the script.
Rufus and pretty much every other Shinra person arrives.
Scarlet: What's going on?
Cloud: Rose is going to jump!
Scarlet (claps): Good! More men for me!
Rufus: You trashy whore!
Scarlet: Ooooh! Dirty talk! I like you! (starts chasing Rufus)
Rufus: For the love of God, heeeeeeeelp meeeeeeeee!
Reno: (shaking head) Poor Rufus.
Tseng: I'm in charge now!
Heidegger: No way!
Tseng: Uh-huh! (stamps his foot) See, I stamped it!
Heidegger: Awww! No fair!
Tseng: Uh-huh!
Heidegger: Uh-uh!
Tseng: Uh-huh!
Heidegger: Uh-uh!
Tseng: Uh-uh!
Heidegger: Uh-huh ... dammit!
Elena: SHUT UP!
Cloud: Yeah, don't be childish ... and besides, I'm in charge.
Barret: Ya know what, spikey? I'm sick of your mental case ass leadin' us!
Cid: MUTINY!
Barret: Yeah!
Cid: The hell with you, Captain!
Cloud: Captain?
Vincent: (taps Cid on shoulder) Wrong boat movie.
Cid: Goddammit!
Rose: Geez. I thought I had problems. (climbs back over railing and walks away)
Two days later...
Elena: Tseng, I thought this story was going to be over soon!
Tseng: (to himself) Bitch, bitch, bitch.
Elena: I hate this!
Reno: ICEBERG!
Elena: That's not funny, Reno! Don't call me that!
Rude: No! A real iceberg!
Cloud: OH MY GOD! The ship is sinking! THE HUMANITY!
Aeris: You knew that already!
Cloud: I know. It's for dramatic effect.
Yuffie: Bummer.
Tifa: We're all gonna die!
Yuffie: MAJOR bummer.
Cid (breaks down crying): Now I'll never to get to see the Dukes of Hazzard marathon!
Barret (also breaks down crying): Now I'll never beat PaRappa the Rapper! I'll always be rappin' crappy! I'll never get the beats!
Vincent: Yuffie, let's go make out!
Yuffie (winks at him): Damn straight!*
(They walk off)
Cait Sith: Wait!
Everyone: You're in this story? Aw, who cares...
Cait Sith: I'm big and fat! I would be a great flotation device! Of course, I would probably drown and die in the process of helping you...
Cloud: Everyone on Cait, right now!
(They push him into the water and float away)
Cait Sith (mumbling underwater): ... I'm willing ... to die ... for such wonderful ... friends.
Epilogue
In America the FF7 stars found fame and fortune.
Scarlet, Heidegger, the Turks, and Rufus made it big on Broadway. That is, until their new song-and-dance masterpiece "Die, Avalanche, Die: The Musical" flopped. Now they all work in various crappy jobs ... except for Rude, who joined the Tap Dogs, and Reno, who now stars in Victor/Victoria.
Red found a nice cage at the San Diego Zoo.
Yuffie and Vincent got married. Vincent was subsequently arrested for marrying a minor, so they moved to a Utah trailer park. Now all is well.
Cid did get to see his Dukes of Hazzard marathon.
Barret is Mr. T's stunt double ... or was until the weight of his gold chains made him fall one day. Now's he's Mr. T's stunt double ... in hospital.
Tifa opened a bar in NYC. It rocks.
Cloud and Aeris married and had the requisite 2.3 kids and a dog.
Oh ... and Cait Sith is dead.
END
*These four lines are a tribute to the silly FF7 humor fics of old, some of which I wrote, which always seemed to include Cid and the Dukes of Hazzard, Barret and sucking at PaRappa the Rapper, and Vincent and Yuffie hooking up out of the blue.