Archive: My yaoi page when I get to
putting it up and anywhere else, just tell me though
NO one kill me for doing another fic
without finishing the others. Gomen I can't help it. The muses won't cooperate.
Important: Note the dates in each
entry in the journal otherwise you might get confused.Just notice the last
four digits though. ^^
Living in Yesterdays
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01203597
Yesterday I watched you frolic in the
park with Duo, your golden hair flying in the wayward breeze that caressed
the fine strands as you ran past where I sat.
How do you do it? I always wonder about
that. How can you just turn it on and off, like a light switch? How can
you switch from being the deadly fighter to carefree youth in a span of
a few hours?
A trill of lighthearted laughter interrupted
my thoughts and instinctively I knew that it was your laugh I hear. It
sounds more like bells than a laugh. A light sound, unintrusive and pure.
I find that I like it.
=======================================
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01203599
Yesterday I sat on the same spot under
the wide oak tree with my laptop on my knees. A niggling feeling of something
missing infusing my being so much that it is impairing my ability to perform
at optimum capacity.
I stopped working then and took a walk
around the park. My eyes had darted everywhere, checking for any sign of
traps or ambush as I ambled on. Duo and you would have laughed at my actions,
called me paranoid. But it is something that is ingrained in my being.
I cannot help it.
The sun was streaming down in gentle
warmth. It was a perfect day for frolicking, which you would be doing with
Duo if the two of you did not have a mission.
In the distance I heard the pealing
bells of a distant church sound. It is loud and intrusive, not anything
like your laugh.
=======================================
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01203602
Yesterday you came back from your mission
exhausted and drained but physically none the worse for wear. You looked
fine outside.
But instincts made me zero in on your
eyes, eyes that reflected the shifting seas on a fine clear day, aquamarine
eyes. What I saw was not the calm peaceful sea but a raging turbulence
that hinted at the myriad of emotions you must be feeling.
Emotions I cannot identify. I have
lived outside emotions for so long, they have been sublimated in my drive
to become the epitome of what a soldier was that they are alien to me.
All I knew was that I had to get you
to bed to rest. The dilation of your eyes indicated shock.
I led you into your room, ensconced
you in your bed with maximum efficiency and gave you your habitual tea.
I would have left you all alone if you had not caught hold of my arm and
asked me to stay.
Had I been Duo or any of the others
I might have known what to say as I sat beside you. But I was not, am not
Duo. I would have asked him to be here instead but he, as well as the others,
were all out in their respective missions.
The silence in the room seemed different
from the usual silence I enjoyed. The silence seemed deafening.
And I did not know what to do.
Fortunately you did not ask much from
me except for my presence. I watched you out of the corner of my eye as
you leaned on my side, seemingly drawing warmth from me as you stared blindly
at the rich ornate walls of your room. You fell asleep not soon after in
the sleep only those emotionally drained could fall into.
I never moved from my position and
breathed shallowly in fear that you would wake up. NOT out of sense of
caring but because it is a necessity. You are a Gundam pilot, an ally.
I would need your skills in the War and you needed your rest.
I had thought that maybe tomorrow you
would be well enough that your laugh will sound in the halls again.
You slept on and I watched over you.
=======================================
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01203607
Yesterday I found myself talking to
you. A conversation filled with nothing particular. What was surprising
was that I dominated it. I did not realize I could talk so much or that
you would be a good listener.
The remnants of your anguish these
past days had vanished from your face, leaving it bright and full of hope
once again.
I remember how you just sat beside
me on the grass, under the oak tree, your head tilted at an angle, eyes
wide in rapt attention at my words, hair slipping down to tickle your cheek
as the wind dislodged it from the golden mass.
You did not make a move to push it
back and I remember how they waved in the wind like fine gold threads unwinding
from a tapestry. For some unknown reason I had wanted to reach out and
touch them just to know how they would feel like.
=======================================
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01203647
Yesterday Duo pranced around the safehouse
with a strange expression on his face. My initial analysis had been that
he had been hit by a heavy object and the result being what we see. Meaning
that he was dazed and apparently out of it.
His actions could actually affirm my
suspicions. Instead of zooming around like the hyperactive dynamo he usually
was, he actually moved at a pace normal human beings walked about in, speaking
to everyone in a floaty voice that reminded me of mentally impaired people.
I commented that his latest mission
must have knocked him out of sanity but you merely smiled at me when I
expressed my concern.
You told me not to worry and that everything
was alright. Duo, you said, was just in love.
"With whom?" I had asked.
And you told me whom. Wufei.
Which left me flabbergasted. I would
never have thought…the surprise must have shown on my usually poker face
because you laughed then and said : "Love does not differentiate between
sexes or even personality differences, Heero. It comes as it will."
"Have you…" I didn't know what made
me ask that but it had come unbidden to my lips. Even before I had finished
saying it you answered. "Yes."
"I haven't even finished my question
yet." I frowned at your immediate answer.
"But I already know what you are going
to ask. And my answer is yes, I have fallen in love before and still am
in love."
My first instinct had been to ask who.
Somehow it was important for me to know. But I stopped myself before I
even thought to ask. The unspoken question hanging in the air in a heavy
pall.
Your eyes dared me to ask. I could
see the challenge in your eyes…and something more. Something that provoked
a response in me…a response I shied away from.
=======================================
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01203649
Yesterday I avoided you like you had
an infectious disease. I could not help it. You brought up emotions I did
not have the facilities to analyze right then, not with the War going on.
My primary purpose is to end this War.
Until then all other concerns must stay in the backburner.
When I encountered you by chance in
the hallway, there was a sad longing in your eyes and in a a voice barely
above a whisper you told me. "I can wait, Heero."
You might have to wait for eternity,
Quatre.
=======================================
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01203660
Yesterday Trowa and Duo returned from
a particularly difficult mission. I saw them arrive through one of the
windows. I also saw you throw yourself into Duo's arms first and then Trowa's.
The relief on your face was almost palpable in its intensity.
How do you do it? Even now I wonder
how you do it. How can you care so much for everyone and everything? It
is a liability, especially in war, do you know that?
One cannot become a perfect soldier
if one cares too much.
This caring and worrying saps at your
strength and detracts from your concentration. It can be the chink in your
armor that an enemy could exploit. If you care too much, it could prove
to be your downfall.
I need to tell you this one day so
you will not be caught by it.
=======================================
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01203760
Yesterday, the war has ended. It finally
ended. Duo danced with joy and pestered Wufei for the most part while Trowa,
you and I just stayed quiet, basking in the feeling of accomplishment and
peace.
You turned towards me, I recall, once
Trowa wandered off somewhere. Turned towards me with a question in your
eyes.
I shook my head and uttered one word.
"Relena." One word that meant so much, a word that filled up the space
between us with a silence that was almost uncomfortable.
Now that peace was attained the Queen
of the World needed to be protected or all we have done would be in vain.
I have given myself this mission. Until then…
Of course that was just an excuse.
I cannot fool myself into believing it is anything but. Because I was afraid
by the emotions you aroused in me, frightened of losing myself in them.
I was still not ready.
I remember how a dozen emotions flittered
through your features before you said: "Aa, I understand." The resigned
broken expression on your face almost broke me down but I did not let you
see. It was still not time…
"Eternity. I can wait until eternity,
Heero. Remember that."
Eternity…sometimes I almost think you
know just what I was thinking about.
=======================================
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01204125
Yesterday I woke up and found myself
missing you so much. I missed your caring ways and the clear liquid eyes,
your gentle voice and your kindness for everyone around you. The urge to
see you was almost overpowering.
It has been a year since we last saw
each other. You became engrossed with family's business and I became immersed
in the job of protecting Relena.
Finally, it is time. I am ready to
acknowledge what I feel for you, finally able to embrace the thought of
committing myself to a relationship that I have wanted for so long but
had been afraid of.
I have been living in yesterday for
so long, trying to be the Perfect Soldier that I have almost forgotten
to live. But with you by my side I am certain I will be able to move on.
To move on to today and eventually
tomorrow…to a life with you.
=======================================
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01204228
Yesterday I tried to get back in sync
with my life…going back to Relena and my job. But somehow my mind would
not function at its usual efficiency and I kept getting distracted. So
I invited Duo, Trowa and Wufei to a little vacation.
=======================================
There are a million yesterdays…
=======================================
01204229
Yesterday, Trowa and Duo managed to
hack into this journal and read all my messages. They lectured me that
I needed to move on. To stop living in yesterday.
And I got angry at them for interfering.
I know I shouldn't have, you would have disapproved of my violent methods
of forcibly ejecting them from my room, but I couldn't help it.
They asked too much.
I know that they are right though.
This journal I am keeping must seem a sham to them, a frightening obsession
for someone who almost went insane. Who would ever write a journal that
backtracks to events almost two years ago…they checked when I had started
this journal…
And found out that it started just
before the tragedy…104 days ago.
They cannot understand…they cannot
understand how this is the only way I can keep my sanity after that...
I can still see the headlines on that
day…
WINNER ENTERPRISES' CEO FIGURES IN
A SHUTTLE ACCIDENT
Billionaire Dies at a Young Age
…
They cannot understand how that affected
me. To finally be ready and to be denied the pleasure of knowing your love.
I was never able to touch you nor hold
you in my arms. Never been able to wake up to you in the morning just as
the sun kisses your brow.
I have never even said that I love
you.
…
There are a million yesterdays, a million
times where I can be with you, hold you, cherish you in my memories. There
is nothing of that sort in the present.
There are a million yesterdays and
only one today. One today where I cannot see your smile or your laughing
caring eyes, one today where I can never hear you call my name, one today
where I cannot feel the warmth of your love.
I do not want to live in today.
~Owari~
Um, *peers at people* is that alright,
do you think? ^^
