Author's Notes: This took forever! You'd be really surprised, I bet. Comedy is really fun, but it can be a helluva hard thing to write! Still, it can be rather serious in parts, I think. I decided to mostly edit out cursing in this one, as well, and I think that the end might even have a bit of Reffie to it. :D This has decided by itself to be a one chapter story, so don't be looking for more--unless you REALLY beg, and lots of people do, 'cause I have no ideas for this. O.o;;
Disclaimers: I don't own FFVII. Boo hoo. Anything with a "(TM)" next to it means that I made it up, and if you wanna use it--just email me at artemis_flower@mindspring.com or glassofmirages@hotmail.com, and I won't mind a bit. ^___^ Actually, I'd love it if you thought that some of my coined phrases were worth using.
And for what it's worth...
Enjoy!
None Too Soon
or
Reno's Trial
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*
Reno stared grimly at the cold metal table, thoughts whirling through his brain. One kept on repeating itself, like a lousy broken record: But I didn't even do it!
The door opened smoothly, and a security guard stepped in. Reno looked up. "Your lawyer's come," he said shortly and moved aside to let him in.
Actually, to let her in: Tifa Lockheart looked professional in her gray jacket, skirt, and heels. Her hair fell freely down her back, and she smiled at him before setting a thick pile of files and a notebook on the table. The security guard, his eyes almost heart-shaped, rushed to bring a chair for her to sit on, which she took absentmindedly and shooed him out the door.
"So, Reno--long time no see!" She smiled stunningly at him. "I still remember Sector 7, you know--but no time to go into all that. I'm here to defend you in court, not prosecute you for mass murder."
He winced. "Thank you for sparing me," he replied dryly. She shrugged and picked up the notebook, opening it to a fresh sheet of paper and pulling a pen out from her jacket pocket.
"So, the big question: did you do it?"
"I don't know what I'm supposed to have done!" he said plaintively.
She opened one of the files. "Well, there's assault, and--"
"Who'd I attack?" She glanced farther down, her finger marking the spot.
"Vincent Valentine, actually."
"…"
"No kidding. Wonder why you're not dead?"
"…! Hey, I'm not that bad! What else?"
"Well, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, driving under the influence of alcohol, which I'm sure you do all the time, and…" Tifa blinked. "…Rape. Victim: Yuffie Kisagari." She glanced up, her eyes hard. "Now that's something you'd better plead innocent to, Reno, and I don't just mean in court."
Reno sputtered. "You--you actually think that I'd rape Yuffie? Give me a break! She's too skinny, too smart for her own good, and besides--she's waaay too good with that shuriken of hers."
Tifa shrugged. "All right…and that's all. Basically, you did what you normally do when you're drunk, just when you're drunk you don't normally do things as stupid as this."
"Tifa…"
"Hmm?"
"Shut up."
***
Reno shifted uncomfortably in his seat, watching Tifa out of the corner of his eye. She looked orderly and calm, waiting for the judge--who was late--to enter and begin the trial. He wondered at the charges. Attacking Vincent? That'd be suicide. I'm not that stupid when I'm drunk, no matter what Tifa says. As for raping Yuffie… He shuddered slightly. Yeah right.
He glanced up, looking out for people he knew. There was Cloud, snoring rather loudly in his seat. He was to be the stenographer for the case. Reno hadn't known that he'd had any experience in that area, but people pick up strange things in strange places--and God knew Cloud'd been in some pretty strange places. Red XIII--or should he call him Nanaki?--sat serenely in the jury box, waiting like everyone else. The rest of the jury was full of people he didn't recognize. Familiar faces poked out of the crowd--someone he'd seen in the streets of Junon, perhaps someone else from the Company.
"Captain!" The entire courtroom turned their heads to stare at the door, straining to hear the voices that floated through the crack. "But--Captain, you're late! They're all waiting for--"
"Oh, go screw 'em! I don't give a flying %^@& for what they think, or what they do--I want my tea, and I'm gonna stand over your shoulder until you make it!"
"Captain, really! I'll bring it to you during the trial." The voice turned reprimanding. "You're really not supposed to have tea in there, you know, you might spill it on your papers."
A snort. "I don't give a $#*! for the papers, either, but hell… I'll go." The door slammed open, and an extremely disgruntled man in judge's robes entered the court. All rose, mostly out of habit. One or two looked shocked; the crowed twittered among themselves. Cloud jerked awake, his glowing sapphire eyes rather bloodshot, and Nanaki nodded resignedly.
The judge stomped down the isle, muttering under his breath. He climbed onto his exalted perch and scowled down at everyone. The courtroom was as silent as a tomb.
Reno could feel Tifa shaking with silent laughter beside him. "Cid," she whispered to him. He stared up at this blond man, watching him light up a cigarette and puff angrily on it. It couldn't be--Cid Highwind, the famous pilot?
"So, what've we got here?" Cid peered nearsightedly at a folder spread before him. "Ah. Another drunk?" He rolled his eyes and shoved one hand through his hair, making it stick up wildly. Tifa nearly choked with laughter, but Cid didn't seem to notice. "Lessee…Assault, drunk driving, rape." He shrugged. "Reno Nevada."
All eyes turned to Reno. He felt like yelling, "I didn't DO it!"…but he didn't.
Cid chuckled wickedly. "Ah, nice to see you again, Reno! Thought you'd learned your lesson last time, but I shoulda known…#)%&!$*#, let's get on with the show!" He grabbed the gravel and brought it down with wood-cracking force. Everyone jumped, except for Cloud, who realized that he was drooling and hurriedly closed his mouth.
"Will the first witness puh-leeeze stand up?!" A shuffling was heard, and a door behind the stand was opened. The security guard present at that door glanced down, grinned, and let the short witness in. There was a brief silence. Cid stood up, leaning over the edge of the judge's box to peer down into the witnesses' stand. "Who is it? I can't see you," he complained.
"Hmph!" came a voice from the bottom. "I don't mumble you to insult me, mumble! Just mumble I'm short…" The back of the stand swung open, and the security guard bent down to hear something. He stood up, nodded, and left the court, while everyone else waited.
Reno recognized that voice. "Tifa, please tell me that's not who I think it is," he said quietly and with forced calm.
She shrugged, and sat up straighter as the security guard came back into the room--carrying some of the largest books Reno'd ever seen.
"War and Peace--" The guard dropped one of the books. "--The Complete Fuzzy--" Another book thumped onto the floor. "The Complete Unabridged Works of Shakespeare…Little Women….Webster's Dictionary….The Complete Collections from the World Wide Web on How to Beat Final Fantasy VII, Including Hints, Tips, Cheats, Weapons, Bosses, Monsters, Made-up Monsters, Shrines, and Chocobo Breeding to the Letter(TM)…and How to Date Barret Wallace(TM)." He let the last of the books fall to the ground, and shrugged. "Is that enough?"
"Perfect!" Some more thuds echoed through the silent courtroom, until a pair of ears and a crown peeped up from the top of the box. "There, Cid--that mumble?"
"Sorry, Reno, but it's obviously who you think it is…" Tifa wrinkled her nose. "He won't be that bad."
Cid leaned farther. "Oh, it's you, Cait! Sorry I didn't recognize you before, but you're so &#@*%^$ short without that Mog of yours!" He plunked back in his chair, put his feet up, and slammed the gravel down again. "Begin your oath thingy!" He glanced at his watch. "SHER-AA! Where's my ^#%@^$* tea?!"
"…" Cait Sith cleared his throat. "I swear on the mumble of Cait Siths everywhere mumble I won't lie too much... Is that mumble enough for you, mumble?"
He shrugged, preoccupied with the cigarette he was lighting. "Whatever. Prosecution begins, doesn't it?"
Someone dropped a penny. Some people scrambled to get it. Other than that, the courtroom was quiet. (TM)
"I said, PROSECUTION %^&#@%* BEGINS!"
A door creaked open at the back of the courtroom. "Captain, I've got your tea!" Shera, looking extraordinarily harassed, scurried down the isle and handed him a steaming teacup. "…Captain?"
"That's it! Shera, you're the prosecution now! Go and question Cait Sith." He took a large gulp of tea, spitting most of it back up as he scalded his mouth. "Ow! #@^%*&, Shera, don't make the tea so hot!"
She didn't reply for a moment. "…M-me?" "Yes, you! You make my tea, don't you? I'm not going to tell Cloud over there--" Cloud jumped a foot and slammed the small laptop on his lap shut. "--to make my tea a #^%*&@% reasonable temperature, am I?! Now, go question Cait Sith!"
"B-but, Captain, I know nothing about p-prosecution!" She glanced over her shoulder at Tifa and Reno. The former was annoyed at the lack of competition, and the latter very, very happy.
Cid puffed on his cigarette, seemingly unconcerned. "You'll do fine, Shera. Now go!"
Nervously, Shera trotted over to the witness stand. "So, uh, Cait Sith, um, what happened?"
The ears tilted upwards. "Well, first mumble, mumble mumble, came dashing down the mumble in his car, screaming mumble a banshee, and…Well, the car stopped in mumble mumble of Vincent. I mumblemumble Vincent because we, uh, had walked mumble together. The guy mumble over, and stopped--"
Shera broke in. "Cait, I can't hear what you're saying--Security, would you mind retrieving another book?" The security guard nodded professionally and exited. "I am sorry to waste your time, Cait, but I can't understand you very well."
"It's mumble," he replied cordially.
The guard came back after a minute. "Here's Religion on the Planet(TM), sir," he said to the robotic cat. The ears and crown disappeared, another book thumped onto the pile, and a smirking face came into view. "Hello, Shera," he said pleasantly. "It's nice to see you."
Cid tested his tea, bored. "Oh, there you are, Cait," he said absently. Tifa waved one hand a bit, and Cait grinned at her--a corner of her mouth twitched back--before the narrow eyes caught sight of Reno. He snickered. "Oh, Reno! So I'm testifying against you? How perfectly ironic!" Reno considered sending a very definite messaged back to the witness with one finger, but decided against it. Cait Sith could say some very nasty things about him…
And then decided to do it anyways. After all, the caped cat would say those nasty things anyways: so why shouldn't he give himself the satisfaction? A moment later, Reno's middle finger was lifted, and a smile curved his lips.
Cait Sith saw, and grinned. "So, Shera, where was I? Oh yes. Reno pulled over and jumped out of his car, then started down an alley, obviously very drunk. Vincent and I decided to follow him, to make sure that nothing happened. I suddenly spotted some giant pink Mogs heading in the other direction, and--well, my Mog decided it was spring and definitely time for some…naughty-naughty, so I had to jump off his back. My leg short-circuited. I limped back to the alley with my new leg in time to see Vincent come flying out of the dark pit of unknown demon inhabitants, where nobody but the drunk assassin and a potentially insane Demon Transformer knew what lay be--"
Cid cleared his throat, and Cait shot Cid a dirty look. "So, I ran inside and heard Yuffie scream 'Murder! Rape! Larceny! Plagarism! Flames!' Of course, I went to find her…and I found that cold-blooded, evil, dastardly, villainous, infamous, wicked--"
"I object, your honor!" Tifa's voice cut through the cat's mumblings. Reno put up his other finger, and Cait smirked back at him.
The smoking judge pounded his gravel on the bare wood, leaving a mark and making Shera wince. "Whatever. Cait, make it short."
The mechanical cat sniffed. "I saw him doing things to Yuffie." His voice was an awful imitation of a young, innocent child. The problem was, Reeve wasn't very young or innocent.
Shera stood stiffly at attention. "So, Cait Sith, you are saying that you first witnessed Vincent being attacked brutally and thrown against the car, then saw Yuffie being…raped?
He nodded solemnly. All eyes turned on Reno, each judging. He felt something inside himself begin to melt, and hoped it wasn't part of his stomach wall.
"That's all I have to say, Your Honor," Shera told Cid crisply and took her seat. Cid stared at his assistant for a moment, then shook his head.
"Tifa? Your turn, and #*^&%' hurry up." Tifa smiled slightly. "Don't worry, Cid, I'll be fast." She stood up, her heels clicking lightly against the ground, and Reno realized he wasn't breathing.
"I'd just like to ask you one question…"
One? he thought, panicking. I'm not that hopeless, am I?
"Cait Sith, were you even at the scene of the crime?"
Shera leapt to her feet. "I object, Your Honor!"
"Your Honor" jerked awake. "Huh? Oh, Tifa, please continue." Shera sat back down.
The mechanized cat blinked. "Well, now that you mention it, no."
"Thank you, Cait. That will be all."
Cid lit up his fourth cigarette. "Nice and quick, Teef. Everyone should be like Tifa, everyone." Everyone nodded, except for Cloud, who was trying to find a more comfortable way to hold his laptop then in his lap…
"Next witness to the stand!" Cid banged the gravel against the edge of the box again, and the security guard opened the door to allow a tall, heavy-set, dark-skinned man into the stand.
Barret Wallace took one, good long look at Reno…and if Reno didn't like what he saw, Barret loathed what he saw.
"Hey, Cid," he said between gritted teeth. "Yo' a foo' for gettin' stuck up in this court system thing…"
Cid shrugged genially. "Yeah, whatever, Barret," he said, sipping his tea. "Shera, this is cold. Go get me some more tea, &@#%*^!"
"But Captain, I'm the pros--"
"No excuses, woman!" He pointed at the door. "Go." She sighed and glanced at Barret before trotting down the aisle.
"Your Honor?" Tifa tried tentatively.
He glanced down at her. "What?"
"May I start the questioning, if the prosecution is gone?" Barret looked rather pleased for a moment at his old friend's professionalism, until he recalled who--and what--Tifa was defending.
"Sure. Just hurry up, I'm gonna miss lunch!"
Tifa stood quickly up and gave Barret a solid look. "So, Barret, I take it you actually were at the scene of the crime."
He nodded shortly. "Tha' I was."
"Why where you there?"
The tall man frowned for a minute or two. "…I can't 'zactly remember, t' tell the truth. I was jest walkin' with Vincent, an' I heard some screams…"
Tifa tilted her head. "Really. Do continue."
"…I thought it was Yuffie, too, but I didn' have any proof or anythin', so I tol' Vincent to look aroun' the area, an' I crossed the street. Didn' git back to the scene until about fifteen minutes later, when I saw Vincent carryin' Yuffie back t' the restaurant we were at before."
"So you were in a restaurant before you went walking?"
"Tha's right!"
Suddenly, Tifa didn't look quite so professional. "What restaurant?"
Barret frowned thoughtfully. "I think it was the Ram's Head Bar…" He suddenly looks nervous. "Look, Teef, jest because I was in another bar doesn't mean I doan' love your cookin'! You were closed!"
Reno slid backwards in his seat. There goes my lawyer, he thought mournfully.
She glared at Barret. "I though you never went anywhere else but Seventeenth Heaven!" she snarled.
The heavens decided to smile on Reno, for once, as a gravel slammed against its block. Cid stood up and looked down at them. "Heh…I know you just want to argue for the rest of the day, but I want to have my #&*%*#^ lunch. Got that?"
Tifa gave him a condescending glance and stalked back to her seat. The judge gave Barret a nod, and the rather cowed man hurried out the door that the guard held open for him.
The front doors swung open at about this time, and Shera hurried down the middle of the courtroom with a cup and saucer of steaming tea. "Here it is, Captain," she said anxiously. "I--" Pausing, she frowned at the witness box. "Captain, you sent the witness away!"
Shortly, he replied. "He was having a catfight with Tifa." Reno put a restraining hand on Tifa's shoulder.
She glared him down. "Eep" was his only statement as he withdrew the hand.
Shera tapped her finger against the cup, seemingly ignoring the rest of the full courtroom. "But I didn't have the chance to question him."
"So?" Cid eyed the tea suggestively. "Can I have my tea now?" he asked her when she made no move to give up the beverage.
"No," Shera told him, her eyes cold. "You denied me the chance to prove myself!!"
"What??"
"I can't believe you sent him off! That was a total disregard to my abilities to get any information from the man, and I resent it, Cid!" She spun and stomped off, the tea staying miraculously in the cup, and slammed the courtroom doors behind her.
The courtroom was silent for a few moments, until Cloud's laptop slid off his lap and onto the floor.
Cid blinked at the doors, then shook his head. "Well, since we're minus a prosecution, I think we should just move on." He glared at his hands. "…and minus that #@%^ tea…"
The back door was opened quickly and closed just as fast to allow a tall, slim figure in. Reno's eyebrows shot up as the witnesses stepped up to his post, his face in shadow, and nodded to the others of the former AVALANCHE crew.
Cid frowned. "Oh, you were a witness, Vincent?" he asked blithely.
Vincent Valentine, former Turk, waved his hand a bit. "I am part of the case, Cid." His voice was dry and quiet; the kind that always managed to send tingles up and down Reno's back. "A victim, to be precise."
"Huh." The pilot's gaze went to the prosecution table--empty--and glanced back at Vincent. "Well, we might's well go on…"
Tifa stood up, her good humor seemingly mostly restored. "Hello, Vincent--it's unfortunate that my client seems be involved in such a serious crime as this." The man gave her a tiny smile as she turned on the judge. "Are you going to swear him to the truth, Cid?"
"I always tell the truth." The ex-Turk seemed unruffled.
"Er, yes…that's true." She tilted her head thoughtfully for a minute, and then sighed. "Okay: so it is true that you were attacked by Reno."
After a moment, Vincent replied. "I believe so."
"But you're not sure?"
"No."
Tifa blinked. "Okay, that doesn't tell us much…why aren't you sure?"
"I assume that it was Reno, although it was too dark for me to tell."
"And why do you assume that it was Reno?"
Vincent let out a faint snort. "I do believe he is the only one in the city of Midgar who carries an electric rod such as his."
Reno almost let out an indignant exclamation that wouldn't have been very good for his rep at the court. I didn't do it…so someone else must have a duplicate of my precious rod!!
His lawyer, meanwhile, was looking troubled. "I see. And how did Yuffie figure in with this?"
"She saw me injured and came to see if she could help and find Barret. The figure pounced on her and dragged her into the shadows…"
"So--"
Tifa was cut off by the gravel cracking against wood. "Next," the judge told her with a bored expression.
"What?? But Cid, I wasn't d--"
"Next!"
Without a sound, Vincent stepped down from the box and glided to the door. The guard held it open for him, and he stepped through.
The judge grinned. "Okay, that's it. I wanna end this case now, so Nanaki--get your @$% going."
Nanaki frowned. "I'll try, but I don't think that this was a very fair trial, Cid."
"So?"
Tifa sat down next to Reno and gave him a frank glance. "You probably won't get out of this punishment, Reno. Nanaki doesn't like you either. You scare him."
Dryly, the Turk replied. "Well, now, that's just dandy."
A door slammed open, and a bright flash of light blinded him…
…And when his eyes finally recovered from their intense exposure to whatever, everyone around him was a frog. A sleeping frog…
"What the hell?" Tifa demanded. Well, almost everyone.
A giggling sound pulled two pairs of eyes to the back door where Yuffie Kisagari stood, tossing a globe of yellow materia. "Frog Song," she told her stunned audience of two. "Gotta love it. C'mon, let's get outta here!"
Tifa frowned at the frogs. "We're not in battle. Y'sure they'll change back?"
"In an hour. I tried it on my cat…"
Reno grinned to himself. What the hell, he thought. I don't know why she's saving me, but it sure beats prison for however long that Red XIII guy wants to keep me there…
So he followed her.
~FIN~
Acknowledgements go out to Clara, Elly, and Auto-chan (I think) for reading this in processs and telling me what they thought of it! I hope they like the ending. ~.^