An American Vampire in London, Chapter 8
'Why me?' Angel thought as he slowly walked back to the house. 'I mean, I'm not supposed to be the vision guy. I'm the turn-to-vamp-and-kill-the-baddies guy. I can't do this running around and save the girl business anymore,' forgetting this was what he did more or less all the time. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. 'God.'
Crossing the road, he came up to the house where he, Wesley and Cordelia were staying. Well, it was more of a home to him than to Cordy and Wesley as he'd lived here before when he'd been Angelus. He'd bought the house as somewhere to disappear to if Darla, Dru or Spike got on his nerves, which used to happen frequently. The house had been the one thing that he had kept after the Rom cursed him with a soul. He didn't know why. Everything else had gone-the clothes, apartments, jewellery and quite a bit of his money. He had been wise enough not to give all of it away, although he had at times felt like doing so. Yeah, at times he had felt like doing a whole lot more. Unfortunately suicide had been at the forefront of these thoughts.
Angel paused. He never really thought about his life between being cursed and meeting Buffy. Maybe it was the house. He'd stayed here for a few months before he had gone back to the US and met Whistler, and then Buffy. And the rest was history. Well, he'd like to think it was. But then again, history had a bad habit of coming back at him when he didn't expect it.
Approaching the door, Angel located his keys and trudged up the small staircase. He let himself in, closing the door behind him gently, not wanting to wake Cordelia and Wesley. Angel slipped of his coat and threw it carelessly onto the coach. Glancing around, he was happy to see the remains of what seemed to have been a good night in. On the coffee table were some Indian takeaways, a finished bottle of wine and a bunch of empty videotape cases. He knew Wesley and Cordy were tired and high-strung and he hoped this evening had de-stressed them. 'Although', he thought, 'they're probably gonna freak out when they hear about Spike.' Angel then decided to keep the whole matter of the girl and Spike to himself until tomorrow. Nothing bad had happened so it wasn't a priority in that he would have to wake up the 2 humans.
Walking past the computer, the vampire remembered Wesley saying something about e-mail. Angel quickly logged onto the Internet and checked the e-mail facility. Nothing.
Shaking his head, he walked up the stairs and entered his room. Taking his shoes off, he then sank down onto the bed. Hands behind his head, Angel stared at the ceiling. Images of Spike and the girl passed before his eyes, blurring into one another until he began to sleep…
He stood in a room. A long, endless white room. He was wearing white too. He turned round to see where he was but Angel could see nothing but white.
Suddenly everything changed and Angel found himself to be in a kitchen. One that looked vaguely familiar.
'Hello Liam.'
Angel spun around to see who had called him by his human name and stopped. In front of him was someone he thought he'd never see again. Someone who he had caused so much pain and hurt to. Someone he had last seen over two hundred years ago when he had killed her.
'Mother.'
'Aye Liam, it's me.' She smiled and then frowned. 'What took you so long? We've been waiting ever so long. I can't remember how long now.'
Angel looked confused. 'What do you mean, we've been waiting? For what?'
She smiled again, her face looking serene. 'For you, of course.'
'But why?'
Angel's mother, Niamh, moved towards him and stroked his cheek slowly.
'We've been waiting for yer to be happy.'
Angel stepped back, too shocked to hear what his mother had said. 'What?!'
Niamh followed him. She had stopped smiling and was now staring at him. 'You're not happy. Liam, why aren't yer happy?'
Something in Angel snapped. 'What? Why are you saying I should be happy? I should be happy?! No I shouldn't. I don't deserve to be happy. I mean… look at what I've done. I killed you… and father... and my own sisters. I murdered my own flesh and blood. I became a monster. And you're saying I should be happy?!'
'Of course. Because if you're not happy, then neither are we.'
Angel frowned. 'What?'
'We don't want to se yer so unhappy, son. It hurts us so to see you in so much pain.'
He couldn't believe what he as hearing. 'Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I hurt? I did so many terrible things. Like…'
'Like killing us...'
Angel's throat choked tight as the images began to flash in front of him, images he wished he could erase but never would be able to.
'…And sending us to a better place. But we're not there yet. For as long as you suffer because of us, then we're stuck here suffering because of you. And you suffer for no reason, child. You think yer have to go through with this day in, day out because you caused us pain, anguish. But you didn't. The moment you did what you did, t'was no pain. Just peace, love and forgiveness for you. We understood. It was our time to go, no matter how it happened.'
Angel shook his head, tears pouring down his cheeks. He hugged himself. 'No…'
'Yes. Because it was meant to be. You were meant to do this-turn into a vampire, kill us and so on. Just like yer were meant to have this vision and come to London. Because this is where your happiness lies-your new life. Your destiny. This is where it'll end and we'll be able to leave.'
'You mean the girl is my destiny?'
She nodded. 'And more. So much more.'
Angel turned to stare out the window in the kitchen. He knew where they were now. It was home back in Galway. The home he had lived in when he had been human a long time ago. Everything looked so real, so right. He touched the table. It felt as smooth as it had done over 200 years ago.
He turned to face his mother again. 'Who is she?'
Niamh moved to Angel's side and touched his shoulder. 'Someone special. Different. Only she can give yer what yer truly need.'
'And what's that?'
'Understanding. Compassion.'
Angel sighed and closed his eyes. Opening them, he glanced at his mother, trying to etch her face into his memory. He mirrored her earlier actions, and stroked her cheek.
'How will I find her? And what about Buffy?'
'Buffy is a part of you destiny. WAS a part of your destiny. She isn't your destiny. Never was. And as for the girl, who knows? Maybe she'll find you. They always do.' She had repeated Cordy's words.
'But I don't deserve this…'
Niamh laughed, the sound making Angel's chest tighten. 'You may not want this. But we do. Are you gonna ignore yer mother's last request?'
'But…'
'Shh.' She put her fingers to his lips. 'Go.'
'What?'
'Go. Find her. Find yer destiny. And be happy. 'Cos if you are, then we're ok. We can leave and go.'
'Where?'
'You ask a lot of questions. Like you did when you were a wee child…'
Angel stopped her from continuing. 'Where will you go?'
'To heaven, of course.'
She took a step back and Angel began to worry. 'Wait! Please don't go. Not yet.'
'I have to. I'm only here to point you in the right direction and now I have I've got to go. I have other things to do too.'
Angel had started to cry again. 'But I can't lose you again.'
'Yer never did Liam. We're always there fer you. We love you.'
'I love you too. I…'
But before he could continue, she put up her hand stopped him. 'Wait. Can you hear it?'
Angel looked around him, seeing and hearing nothing. 'Hear what?'
'The music.'
//Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion//
And he could. It was low at first but then he could hear it. He looked at his mother, knowing it was the last time he'd ever see her again.
She stood smiling at him. 'Listen to the music Liam. Listen to it and take your heart.'
//Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence//
'Be who you are, Liam. And that's the way you'll get there. The way you'll return.'
//If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence//
They stood staring at one another, the music flowing around them. Suddenly he began to see Niamh fade in front of him as well as a small figure appear by her side. He wanted to grab her and hug her but her knew he shouldn't.
'Where?' Angel asked. He could fell the waves of consciousness rolling over him, pulling at him. 'Where?' he shouted.
The last thing he saw was his mother crying, Katie looking up at him & smiling and someone whispering, 'Remember Angel…'
//That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence//
'Who was that, Ma?' Katie asked, puzzled. She knew that face but couldn't think why. Ma was also crying. Ma never cried. Not here.
'That's yer brother child.'
'Liam?' She asked smiling, her face blossoming.
'Aye.'
'Why was he here?'
'To say goodbye.'
Katie frowned. 'Isn't he staying?'
'No dear. At least not yet.'
'But isn't he an angel too?'
Niamh sighed. 'Oh he is. He just doesn't know it.'
They turned away and began to descend up a bright stairway. Niamh looked back, seeing Liam once more, continued climbing. A pale flickering light bathed the two figures as they slowly faded away.
'Why me?' Angel thought as he slowly walked back to the house. 'I mean, I'm not supposed to be the vision guy. I'm the turn-to-vamp-and-kill-the-baddies guy. I can't do this running around and save the girl business anymore,' forgetting this was what he did more or less all the time. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. 'God.'
Crossing the road, he came up to the house where he, Wesley and Cordelia were staying. Well, it was more of a home to him than to Cordy and Wesley as he'd lived here before when he'd been Angelus. He'd bought the house as somewhere to disappear to if Darla, Dru or Spike got on his nerves, which used to happen frequently. The house had been the one thing that he had kept after the Rom cursed him with a soul. He didn't know why. Everything else had gone-the clothes, apartments, jewellery and quite a bit of his money. He had been wise enough not to give all of it away, although he had at times felt like doing so. Yeah, at times he had felt like doing a whole lot more. Unfortunately suicide had been at the forefront of these thoughts.
Angel paused. He never really thought about his life between being cursed and meeting Buffy. Maybe it was the house. He'd stayed here for a few months before he had gone back to the US and met Whistler, and then Buffy. And the rest was history. Well, he'd like to think it was. But then again, history had a bad habit of coming back at him when he didn't expect it.
Approaching the door, Angel located his keys and trudged up the small staircase. He let himself in, closing the door behind him gently, not wanting to wake Cordelia and Wesley. Angel slipped of his coat and threw it carelessly onto the coach. Glancing around, he was happy to see the remains of what seemed to have been a good night in. On the coffee table were some Indian takeaways, a finished bottle of wine and a bunch of empty videotape cases. He knew Wesley and Cordy were tired and high-strung and he hoped this evening had de-stressed them. 'Although', he thought, 'they're probably gonna freak out when they hear about Spike.' Angel then decided to keep the whole matter of the girl and Spike to himself until tomorrow. Nothing bad had happened so it wasn't a priority in that he would have to wake up the 2 humans.
Walking past the computer, the vampire remembered Wesley saying something about e-mail. Angel quickly logged onto the Internet and checked the e-mail facility. Nothing.
Shaking his head, he walked up the stairs and entered his room. Taking his shoes off, he then sank down onto the bed. Hands behind his head, Angel stared at the ceiling. Images of Spike and the girl passed before his eyes, blurring into one another until he began to sleep…
He stood in a room. A long, endless white room. He was wearing white too. He turned round to see where he was but Angel could see nothing but white.
Suddenly everything changed and Angel found himself to be in a kitchen. One that looked vaguely familiar.
'Hello Liam.'
Angel spun around to see who had called him by his human name and stopped. In front of him was someone he thought he'd never see again. Someone who he had caused so much pain and hurt to. Someone he had last seen over two hundred years ago when he had killed her.
'Mother.'
'Aye Liam, it's me.' She smiled and then frowned. 'What took you so long? We've been waiting ever so long. I can't remember how long now.'
Angel looked confused. 'What do you mean, we've been waiting? For what?'
She smiled again, her face looking serene. 'For you, of course.'
'But why?'
Angel's mother, Niamh, moved towards him and stroked his cheek slowly.
'We've been waiting for yer to be happy.'
Angel stepped back, too shocked to hear what his mother had said. 'What?!'
Niamh followed him. She had stopped smiling and was now staring at him. 'You're not happy. Liam, why aren't yer happy?'
Something in Angel snapped. 'What? Why are you saying I should be happy? I should be happy?! No I shouldn't. I don't deserve to be happy. I mean… look at what I've done. I killed you… and father... and my own sisters. I murdered my own flesh and blood. I became a monster. And you're saying I should be happy?!'
'Of course. Because if you're not happy, then neither are we.'
Angel frowned. 'What?'
'We don't want to se yer so unhappy, son. It hurts us so to see you in so much pain.'
He couldn't believe what he as hearing. 'Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I hurt? I did so many terrible things. Like…'
'Like killing us...'
Angel's throat choked tight as the images began to flash in front of him, images he wished he could erase but never would be able to.
'…And sending us to a better place. But we're not there yet. For as long as you suffer because of us, then we're stuck here suffering because of you. And you suffer for no reason, child. You think yer have to go through with this day in, day out because you caused us pain, anguish. But you didn't. The moment you did what you did, t'was no pain. Just peace, love and forgiveness for you. We understood. It was our time to go, no matter how it happened.'
Angel shook his head, tears pouring down his cheeks. He hugged himself. 'No…'
'Yes. Because it was meant to be. You were meant to do this-turn into a vampire, kill us and so on. Just like yer were meant to have this vision and come to London. Because this is where your happiness lies-your new life. Your destiny. This is where it'll end and we'll be able to leave.'
'You mean the girl is my destiny?'
She nodded. 'And more. So much more.'
Angel turned to stare out the window in the kitchen. He knew where they were now. It was home back in Galway. The home he had lived in when he had been human a long time ago. Everything looked so real, so right. He touched the table. It felt as smooth as it had done over 200 years ago.
He turned to face his mother again. 'Who is she?'
Niamh moved to Angel's side and touched his shoulder. 'Someone special. Different. Only she can give yer what yer truly need.'
'And what's that?'
'Understanding. Compassion.'
Angel sighed and closed his eyes. Opening them, he glanced at his mother, trying to etch her face into his memory. He mirrored her earlier actions, and stroked her cheek.
'How will I find her? And what about Buffy?'
'Buffy is a part of you destiny. WAS a part of your destiny. She isn't your destiny. Never was. And as for the girl, who knows? Maybe she'll find you. They always do.' She had repeated Cordy's words.
'But I don't deserve this…'
Niamh laughed, the sound making Angel's chest tighten. 'You may not want this. But we do. Are you gonna ignore yer mother's last request?'
'But…'
'Shh.' She put her fingers to his lips. 'Go.'
'What?'
'Go. Find her. Find yer destiny. And be happy. 'Cos if you are, then we're ok. We can leave and go.'
'Where?'
'You ask a lot of questions. Like you did when you were a wee child…'
Angel stopped her from continuing. 'Where will you go?'
'To heaven, of course.'
She took a step back and Angel began to worry. 'Wait! Please don't go. Not yet.'
'I have to. I'm only here to point you in the right direction and now I have I've got to go. I have other things to do too.'
Angel had started to cry again. 'But I can't lose you again.'
'Yer never did Liam. We're always there fer you. We love you.'
'I love you too. I…'
But before he could continue, she put up her hand stopped him. 'Wait. Can you hear it?'
Angel looked around him, seeing and hearing nothing. 'Hear what?'
'The music.'
//Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion//
And he could. It was low at first but then he could hear it. He looked at his mother, knowing it was the last time he'd ever see her again.
She stood smiling at him. 'Listen to the music Liam. Listen to it and take your heart.'
//Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence//
'Be who you are, Liam. And that's the way you'll get there. The way you'll return.'
//If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence//
They stood staring at one another, the music flowing around them. Suddenly he began to see Niamh fade in front of him as well as a small figure appear by her side. He wanted to grab her and hug her but her knew he shouldn't.
'Where?' Angel asked. He could fell the waves of consciousness rolling over him, pulling at him. 'Where?' he shouted.
The last thing he saw was his mother crying, Katie looking up at him & smiling and someone whispering, 'Remember Angel…'
//That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence//
'Who was that, Ma?' Katie asked, puzzled. She knew that face but couldn't think why. Ma was also crying. Ma never cried. Not here.
'That's yer brother child.'
'Liam?' She asked smiling, her face blossoming.
'Aye.'
'Why was he here?'
'To say goodbye.'
Katie frowned. 'Isn't he staying?'
'No dear. At least not yet.'
'But isn't he an angel too?'
Niamh sighed. 'Oh he is. He just doesn't know it.'
They turned away and began to descend up a bright stairway. Niamh looked back, seeing Liam once more, continued climbing. A pale flickering light bathed the two figures as they slowly faded away.