Forsaken
Author: Bre the Cheez
Rating: PG-13 I guess. Warning: deals with suicide
Disclaimer: I don't own anything from First Wave, or anything affiliated with it. And I'm not making any money off of this fic either.
Summary: Jordan's thoughts during Twice Bless'd up until her apparent suicide. ((Obviously, spoilers for Twice Bless'd. ))
~*~*~
Jordan Radcliffe was known for her military-like ways, her ability to make quick decisions, and usually end up making the right one. She had a keen sense when it came to traps, and anything Gua, and she was proud of it. That is why the recent events had shook her world, almost causing it to tumble to the ground. She was used to being in control, and being sure, but now she was anything but. Jordan wasn't even sure how she, Cade Foster, Eddie Nambulus, and Joshua Bridges had ended up in the white-clad institute, but they were there now, locked up and fighting for their sanity. How could she continue to assure herself of what was reality now, when she couldn't tell if her life had just been a dream, an awful illusion created by her own deranged mind. After all, what sane person would really believe that aliens were trying to take over the world? It was even beginning to sound crazy to her.
Letting a soft moan escape her dry lips, Jordan stood up from the ground, using her hands to support her body as she pushed up. She felt weak here, unable to do anything but sit around and wait. She was a woman of action, not like most people in the world, and the waiting alone was too much for her to handle given the current situation. Jordan wasn't used to anyone having control over her, and it was making her crazier than the wards here believed her to be.
"Cade," Jordan whimpered aloud to no one in particular, wishing he was with her right now. She felt so vulnerable right now, and she needed him, to hug him, to just see his face for reassurance that she wasn't insane. Fear from so much uncertainty coursed through her body like adrenaline, and she felt hot tears fall from her eyes, trace her velvet skin, and fall to the ground, forgotten.
She ran her long, skinny fingers through her dark red-orange hair, sorting through the tangles with her fingernails. Jordan knew she had to look terrible right now, even without the assurance of a mirror. Her delicate, yet masculine-looking face had paled, but was tinged with pink around her dark eyes from crying and lack of makeup, and her usually crimson lips were bare and a natural rose color. Her white garments gave her demeanor a lighter feel in contrast to her usual black combat attire that she had grown accustomed to over the years.
Nervously tugging at the hem of her cotton shirt, she wondered how Cade could believe so strongly that this place was a deception created by the Gua. Everything was so real: she could feel, smell and taste everything as it had always been. The soft fabric of her clothes, the padding of the walls, the small stubble that had begun to grow on Cade's face, the smell of stale air filling her lungs, the bitter taste in the back of her mouth- it was all there as she had expected it to be, not like some sort of fantasy.
"Come on, Jordan," she whispered to herself, cringing at how loud her voice seemed in the small room. She lowered her voice more, and licked her lips. "Trust Cade, he's never let you down before."
To her surprise, a voice answered from inside her cluttered mind. "How can you be so sure? What you think of as your life was an delusion. How do you know this Cade is like your Cade?"
"No," Jordan said aloud, fighting the voice. "It can't be true, I know my life wasn't some kind of... " she paused, then choked out the rest of the sentence, "hallucination." Then her face slowly contorted in confusion and the arising traces of doubt. She shifted her body on the mattress, and looked around, wondering what to believe.
Finally, Jordan couldn't take it anymore. "Get the fuck out of my head!" She cried, tears rolling down her face again. She stood up and threw the mattress off of the bed. Before she could do any more damage, she stopped, and looked at the bed. There was a mirror hidden under the mattress.
Why would there be a mirror under here? She asked herself, confused. For that moment, everythnig seemed clear in her mind, no more thoughts, no more doubts, nothing. She knew what she wanted to do. Calmer this time, Jordan took the mirror, and set it on the floor. Then she brought the mattress back up onto the bed, an almost dazed look on her pale face, as though she was in a trance.
Once the bed was back to its original state, she slowly sat cross-legged on top of the white linens and held the small mirror in her hands, turning it around, examining it. It's just a Gua trick, they want you to do this, the voice inside her head told her, but it was farther back this time. Jordan didn't care what kind of trick this was, as long as she could keep her mind this clear forever.
As thoughts resumed their position in her mind, she began to lost her calm appearance, and bashed the mirror against the bottom of the bed, watching as little pieces scattered across the soft padding that covered the floor. With her long fingernails, she picked up a sharp piece and delicately rested it on her lap. After a moment of examining it, she picked it up again, and pressed it gently across the skin of her wrist. As soon as the glass touched her, she could hear voices whispering 'do it, do it'. She shook her head, hoping it would get rid of the voices, but it didn't, and she made her final decision. Starting at one end of her wrist, she dragged it to the other end, pushing down as hard as she could. As the glass left one spot, crimson blood seemed to flow like silk down her arm. Jordan smiled.
Her smile wavered for a brief second, as she thought of Cade. She muttered a small apology, a few droplets of water falling from her eyes. She didn't want to hurt him, but right now she wasn't that worried. After all, she wasn't even sure he would care: he could just be another guy, and nothing like what she had always thought if her life had been fake. In that case, he wouldn't care. So neither did she. She wanted release too much at the moment to care.
Emotions building, she dragged the broken glass across her wrist again, drawing more blood from the wound. Susprisingly, the pain she knew she should be feeling wasn't there. Jordan wondered what it would be like after she died. It has to be better than this shit, she reassured herself.
The puddle of blood on the floor was growing, with it staining the white padding even more. She knew death had to be close, and she felt the excitement growing. Her body started to get weaker, and she layed down to ease the incoming headache. Jordan's eyes began to feel heavy and she struggled to keep them open. Before she felt them close, she mustered one last thing: "I'm sorry Cade- I love you so much."
She knew he wouldn't hear, but it brought a smile to her face, as she felt sweet unconsciousness engulf her.
~*~*~
Cade Foster ran down the hall of the asylum as fast as he could. He had to get to Jordan before they did. He had finally gotten free from those Gua bastards, and the first thing he thought of was her.
God, Jordan, please be there, he prayed.
When he reached her room, he reached his hand out towards the doorknob, and watched as it shook a little. He was afraid, and he didn't know why. He just had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, and he slowly reached out further. When his fingers felt the cold bronze, he turned the knob, and closed his eyes for a second. Then he opened them and pushed the door open.
It's just an illusion, Foster, he told himself, but he couldn't believe it. She was dead, she was laying dead right in front of him. If only he could have been stronger, had fought harder against the Gua, she wouldn't be dead right now.
He looked around, wondering how she had been able to do this to herself, but found no loose object out of place in the room. How was it possible?
It's not, dammit, it's just a trick
Oh God, Jordan, no.
*~fin~*