Sometimes Wanna Die
by Spaced Out Anna (gbailie@cyberus.ca)
This takes place approximately four months after the events of 'After Genocide', 'Nothing and Everything', and 'Defintion of Genocide'. It was inspired partly by the lyrics of Joydrop's song, and partly by the fact that I needed a good ending to this series. This is the last of the series, but there could be a number of standalone fics based on 'Star by Star',and my own inspirations. Thanx to everyone who reviewed and encouraged me, with a special shout out to Starlight Pixiedust for just being Starlight Pixiedust.
Disclaimer: This entire series has been for my own enjoyment, wish as I may I don't own Star Wars. So don't sue me, I'm broke. And 'Sometimes Wanna Die' was written by Joydrop, which I don't own either. But I Love!
Don't worry 'bout one thing
Don't worry 'bout nothing
She said I'm not gonna let this one go
Nobody's on my side
Nobody seems to see
How much, how deep, how far these things can be
My eyes are dry and.
I, I still don't even know you
I, I still wish that I could hold you
I, I Sometimes Wanna Die
And everywhere I go
And everyone I see
Somehow almost sets me free
And the space where we meet
Is different from the rest
And I just can't seem to forget that
My eyes are dry and.
I, I still don't even know you
I, I still wish that I could hold you
I, I Sometimes Wanna Die
And you were at the start
And now you are the end
And you left me with nothing to defend
I need the voice of a good friend
Can't stop myself from laughing
Not matter how sad these things can be
These things can be
My eyes are bright and.
I, I still don't even know you
I, I still wish that I could hold you
I, I Sometimes Wanna Die
The last time Kyp Durron had attended a formal reception given by the New Republic, it had been on a floating city above Ithor, before the planets lush forests had been destroyed by the Yuuzhan Vong. Then, he had been invited for his role as a Jedi, when Jedi had appeared publicly. Before there were arrest warrants placed on them. Now, he was invited as a pilot and nothing else.
The reception was on one of the floating barges sailing Coruscant's ocean, in honour of Rogue Squadron and other pilots, for sustaining a blow against the Yuuzhan Vong, for destroying the worldship a few months before. The fact that the New Republic had been under the impression that it was a weapon was not mentioned. Kyp moved slowly through the assembled dignitaries, using the Force to sample their conversations. Most of them were on the war, and how it could affect their political careers. Kyp grimaced internally, he avoided Coruscant on a regular basis because he could not stomach politicians. He spotted a door out of the pavilion to the beach circling the barge. Once outside, he breathed deeply, glad to be free of the press of bodies.
Down the beach, he saw a long figure, the reflections of medals off their blue and black dress jacket, and Kyp identified them as Rogue member. When they turned towards him, their chesnut hair whipping around their face, Kyp knew it was Jaina.
Kyp walked slowly towards her, taking her in like a thirsty man on Tatooine took in water. Underneath her dress jacket, she wore a black sheath that took his breath away. He stopped when they were only inches apart, sizing eachother up.
"You must be very happy, Kyp. Hailed a hero. Congratulations." Jaina started, crossing her arms across her chest.
"I take it you're still angry."
"A Jedi knows no anger." Jaina snapped at him.
Kyp sighed, "Did I ever say I was sorry?"
Jaina gave rueful laugh. "Kyp Durron, saying he was sorry. I never thought I'd see the day. You used me, Kyp. Used my name, my rank- the fact that the brass actually listened to me! And then you can't even admit you're wrong." She looked down at the fine sand beneath her feet.
" I was wrong. I didn't really think of lying to you about it, I thought of you as almost the enemy, supporting Master Skywalker. But… I regret that. And I really am sorry."
She looked up at him, "Are you?"
" Yes. I should've told you what it really was."
"Yes, you should've." Jaina looked away at the waves, "I was so angry at you. I got to the Errant Venture and everyone was extolling your virtues. And I said that I knew you better than my father... But I realised, I don't know you. "
"I want you to know me." Kyp stepped closer to her, caressing her cheek with his palm. "And I want to know you." She looked into his face, a slight smile on her features. They were silent for a moment, before Kyp broke it with a confession. " I was angry too. I though you weren't looking past your own view of the Force. I thought you have been brainwashed by Mater Skywalker into the one right way of seeing things. I thought a lot of things. And then I had this vision..."
"Of a galaxy painted red, taken over almost completely by the Yuuzhan Vong. Of your self standing with other Jedi, lightsabre raised. Of a Yuuzhan Vong wearing a red cape, with other warriors bowing down to him. " Jaina summed up quietly.
"How did you know?" Kyp asked, steeping back.
"Every Jedi in the galaxy has been having that vision-" Jain started until Kyp shook his head.
"I saw more."
Jaina nodded subtly. "Let me guess, a vision of personal magnitude. It if happened, your entire life would change." She paused for a moment, looking at the flickering lights of other barges on the ocean. 'What did you see, Kyp?"
"I saw you." Jaina turned to look at him, but she didn't seem surprised. " I saw you stepping down from an X-wing, and coming towards me. And... I saw you under me. And you looked up at me... and said you loved me. There was so much in your eyes, so much love..." Kyp shook his head, cutting himself off.
"I saw the same thing. I saw you, standing there waiting for me, and over me, Kyp. And I felt the feelings, felt you inside of me... I felt the love. I wanted it to be real, it was so beautiful." Jaina looked up at him, her confession slipping from her lips.
They were silent for a moment, eyes locked until Kyp broke it again, stepping towards her, bringing her face towards his, and kissing her. It wasn't their first kiss, but it felt like it was. Their first kiss had been driven by anger and hurt, and this one was driven by comfort and hope. Hope that, one day their visions would be true.
They broke apart slowly, Kyp putting his arms around Jaina's waist, and noticing something. He stepped away, eyes raking her body. For the first time in years, Jaina wasn't wearing her lightsaber.
She followed his trail of thought. "No Jedi wears their lightsabre openly these days. Mine is in a very safe vault in my suite. I'm not even here as a Jedi, only as a Rogue."
"How bad it is?" Kyp asked.
" I'm getting a dozen threats a day. Some of them are from Peace brigaders, some of them from people who think that if they deliver me to the Yuuzhan Vong, their homeworld will be saved."
Kyp pulled her close again, wishing he could shield her from the universe, and let this moment last forever. But she read his thoughts again, murmuring in his ear.
"The knight in shining armour routine is admirable, but I don't need you to protect me."
Kyp looked at her, a slow smile spreading across his face. "I guess you bring out the hero in me.'
Jaina smiled up at him. "I'm just hoping I can bring out the Knight in you. We need all the jedi we can get these days."
"It's that bad?"
"It's that bad. We've lost three in the last month. One of them, a human named Ferric Alos, was mobbed by a group of refugees he was trying to save." Jaina shut her eyes tightly, "There's so much hate in the Universe right now. .."
Kyp studied the stars above them, and saw them painted red like in his vision. The Jedi were under attack again, and there was no space from divisions. "So you know where your uncle is?"
Jaina glanced at him curiously. "I think he's still on the Errant Venture. Why?"
"I think I need to send him a message. I need to clear up some things between us."
Jaina smiled, a light in her eyes that made Kyp smile back at her, taking her hand in his. "Come on, you can send it from my suite. And we can get to know eachother."
They moved off , hands intertwined, to see how true visions could be.
Kyp left the next morning, to assemble his Dozen, but Jaina saw him off.
He kissed her roughly before climbing into the cockpit, and waved as it slowly rose off the ground. She waved back, sending a caress through the Force and he winked at her. Then he was gone, climbing through the atmosphere, to assemble pilots, to try and save the galaxy once again.
And as Jaina made her way to her X-wing, to go with the Rogue Squadron to Calamari, she mused to herself that at least this morning, there was more love than hate in the Universe.
The End
That's it! I know it took a while, but I just had to find the right way to end it. Thanks so much to everyone who supported me through reviews and feedback. Hopefully, there will be more series. Until then- May the Force Be With You.
(Don't forget to review this one!)