Growing Pains I: Choices

by Debbie Kluge

Story #7 in the Jealousy Series. A confrontation between Jonny and Benton has unexpected repercussions. Complete

3. Part III

Part III

"Oh God, Barbara, I've made such a mess of things," Benton said. He sat in Barbara Mason's office in downtown Rockport looking exhausted and shattered. His eyes were closed as he leaned his head up against the wall, and the tracks of his recent tears were still visible. "I'm losing my son! What am I going to do?"

The dark-haired woman sitting beside him on the sofa caught his hand and squeezed it gently. She had been a local physician in the Rockport area since before Benton Quest and his family had come to live on this coast, and she never remembered seeing him this strained and demoralized. Her dark brown eyes were compassionate as she advised him, "The first thing you are going to do is to calm down. You can't do anything when you are this agitated. The next thing you are going to do is let me take a good, close look at you. You don't look well, Benton, and I'm going to see if I can find out if there's a physical cause or if it's just stress. Then, you are going to take the pills that I'm going to give you, and you're going to lie down on that sofa and get some sleep. You need rest. While you're doing that," she said, cutting him off before he could protest, "I'm going to talk with the rest of your family and get their versions of this entire story. Then we'll see what needs to be done next." She shook her head at his dazed, uncomprehending look. "Why didn't you come to me sooner? All of you are way too involved to be thinking clearly. We'll take it one step at a time. Let me see if I can't calm things down a bit so that all of you can sit down and talk rationally, okay?"

"Okay," Benton agreed, too exhausted to argue.

"You stay here for just a minute and then my nurse will be in to take some vitals, draw blood for some lab work, and to give you those meds. Take them, you hear me?" Benton nodded. "Alright, I'll be back in just a few minutes."

Closing the door behind her, she gestured to her nurse, gave her some quick instructions, and then strode out into her waiting room looking for the person she knew would be there. She frowned when she found it empty, but a flash of movement out near the street drew her to the door. With a sigh, she opened it and walked out to Race's red sports car where Estella stood waiting.

"How is he?" she asked without preamble.

"A mess," Barbara replied. "I expected Race."

"He's not in a whole lot better shape than Benton right now."

"Have the two of them been arguing, too?"

Estella shook her head. "Not really. They haven't agreed about the whole thing, but they're still talking. That's more than you can say for Jonny and Jessie. He told you about their little bombshell at breakfast, I take it," she added in a slightly bitter tone.

"Yes. Look, Estella, I may live to regret this but I'm going to put myself squarely in the middle of this mess. You need someone from the outside who can talk reasonably with everyone concerned, and knowing how sensitive you are about strangers learning what goes on in your family, I think that I'm the best candidate. Benton's already confided in me, and I've got a good rapport with Jonny and Jessie. They know I have no vested interest in whatever they decide to do, so I think I can get them to open up to me. We've got to get the three of them talking again or things will never get resolved."

Estella nodded wearily. "I know. We've tried. But none of them will listen to Race or I."

"Because you're too close to this. That's why I'm going to step in. You need an outside party."

"Alright. What do you want me to do?"

"I want to talk with each of you independently. And it's particularly important that when I talk with Jonny and Jessie it's on neutral ground. Can you get them to meet me? They can pick the place, just as long as it isn't at the Compound."

"Yes. Once way or the other, I'll get them there." She nodded toward the office. "Barbara, is he alright? He looks terrible."

"I don't know, but I'm going to find out. One thing's certain, he needs sleep, and I'm going to see that he gets some. I've given him something that's going to knock him out for a while. You go on. He'll be alright here for now."

"Good," Estella replied. "I'll call you and let you know where. When?"

"The sooner the better."

"I'm on it."

* * * * *

Benton was stretched out on the sofa in her office when Barbara returned. A pillow and a blanket from one of the examination rooms had been provided in an effort to make him more comfortable, and Barbara saw his shoes sitting off to one side, near the wall. She knelt down near his head and looked at him closely. Drowsiness marked his face, and his eyes were a bit glassy as he rolled his head and looked at her. She smiled at him gently.

"Feeling better?"

"A little," he agreed, his voice slightly blurred. "I feel like I'm floating."

She nodded. "That's the meds. Don't fight them. Just relax and let yourself sleep."

"I really should go home," he protested weakly. "I need to talk to Jonny."

"No," Barbara said gently. "Let me talk to him first. After you've gotten some rest, you'll be more prepared to find a way to work this out. You can talk to him tomorrow."

"But he may be gone by tomorrow!" Benton exclaimed, rousing slightly from his lethargy. After a moment, he struggled to sit up. "I can't let him leave without trying to fix this."

Barbara caught his shoulders and pressed him back down onto the sofa. "No. He won't leave before the two of you have a chance to talk one more time. I promise you. Now I want you to rest and leave this to me for a while."

Defeated, he stopped fighting and relaxed back into the sofa again, his eyes closing in exhaustion. Barbara knelt beside him, watching him carefully for a long time. Just as she thought he had finally fallen asleep, he spoke again.

"I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"For involving you in this. I know I'm being a nuisance."

Barbara's lips twisted in a sad smile. With feather-light fingertips, she stroked the graying hair at his temple. "You are never a nuisance," she whispered to him, but he didn't hear her. He'd fallen asleep.

* * * * *

It was about an hour and a half later that she paused on the threshold of the Rockport pizza parlor and scanned the room. She spotted Jonny and Jessie sitting in a booth in the far corner of the room. They sat side by side, leaving her the opposite side of the table. Both of them looked tense. Taking a deep breath, she crossed the room and slid in across from the two teenagers.

"Thank you for coming," she said.

Both of them eyed her warily without smiling. Jessie was the first to speak.

"Mom said you wanted to talk to us."

"Yes, I do," Barbara agreed quietly. "And I suspect you know why."

"It's none of your business," Jonny said harshly. He turned to the girl beside him and pushed at her shoulder. "Come on, let's get out of here."

"No, Jonny. She went to a lot of trouble to get us here. Let's at least hear what she has to say," Jessie replied, refusing to move. As the young woman gazed across the table at her, the significance of their positions suddenly dawned on Barbara. Jonny sat on the inside of the booth, against the wall, and Jessie sat on the aisle side, trapping him. Barbara's eyes locked on the younger woman's and in them she saw pain mixed with hope. Silently, Barbara breathed a sigh of relief. Jessie Bannon was not permanently alienated. She wanted this resolved, too. That meant that if Barbara moved very carefully, she had an ally. Reaching across the table, she laid a placating hand on Jonny's arm.

"Jonny, please. I'm not here to judge anyone or to defend your father or his actions. All I want to do is to listen to what you have to say."

"Why?" he demanded belligerently. "What difference does it make? He's right and that's all there is to it."

Barbara sighed softly, then shook her head. "You are all too close to this. You've been hurt and scared and threatened . . ." She saw Jonny take a breath, preparing to say something, but before he had the chance she cut him off. " . . . all of you have been. You, Jessie, Benton, Race . . . you were all so close that not one of you escaped the backlash of this situation." She reached out and caught his hand in a firm grip. "I've known you ever since you came to live on this coast as a little boy. I've watched you grow up, and you are all very special to me. The ties . . . the love . . . that bound all of you together were so clear that others set your family up as an example of what it was possible to achieve if you cared about each other. Do you really want to lose that? Forever?"

Jonny stared down at their clasped hands and Barbara could feel the shudder that ran through the young man. Beside him, Jessie grasped his other arm tightly and laid her head on his shoulder in wordless entreaty. Finally, in a voice barely above a whisper, he replied, "No." When he looked up again, all the barriers were down and his feelings showed clearly. Barbara was forced to close her eyes against the sight of the misery reflected in his face. "There's no point in going over what happened," he said hoarsely. "You wouldn't be here if he hadn't already told you about it."

"I know what he thinks happened. I want to hear it from your point of view. It may be very, very different." She looked at the couple soberly and then continued. "I'm going to ask you to do something that's going to be very difficult, I think, but it's important and I hope you'll trust me enough to agree."

"What do you want?" Jonny asked.

"I want to talk to both of you, but I want to do it separately." She saw alarm and anger flare in Jonny's eyes, and she squeezed his hand again urgently. "Jonny, I'm not asking you to do this because I side with your father in any way. I told you, I'm not here to takes sides or pass judgments. What I want . . . what I need . . . is to understand exactly what happened and how all of you are feeling. Do you remember the game you used to play as a child? The one where a group of you stood in a circle and one person whispered a phrase to the person beside him and that person passed it on until it got back to the child that started it? Do you remember how much the phrase used to change?" Both young people nodded hesitantly. "That's because all of us bring our own perspectives and experiences to things, and it causes us to interpret things differently. I want to hear what happened the way each of you saw it. And to do that, I need for you to be able to be totally honest with me. If the two of you talk to me together, you're both going to edit, whether you realize you're doing it or not, and that won't do any of us any good. I swear to you, I won't take a side. If I have a personal opinion, you'll never know what it is, nor will your parents. I have only one goal here, and that's to try to find a way to help you and your father rebuild your relationship."

Jonny and Jessie exchanged a long look. Some sort of wordless conversation seemed to flow between them and when they turned back to her, she saw acceptance.

"Alright," Jonny agreed. "What do you want us to do?"

"I'd like to start with you, Jonny. Let's go for a walk. We'll go down to the harbor. Jessie," she turned to the young woman, "give us an hour and then meet us down in the harbor park at the marina. At that point, I'll ask that Jonny go on back to the Compound and you and I will talk. I can take you back there once we're done. That will give me a chance to talk to your mother and father. What about Hadji and Kefira? Do I need to talk with them, too?"

Jonny shrugged. "They weren't involved. They did come home at one point, but Jess and I haven't really talked to them. I don't know about Dad."

Barbara nodded. "I'll speak to them. They may not have much to add, but it won't hurt. Once I've done that, I'll talk to your father again and then we can decide what needs to be done next."

"Where is Dad?" Jonny asked her. Something about the way he asked caused her to look at him closely.

"He's at my office. Why?"

Jonny hesitated. "Did he seem . . . okay . . . to you?"

"He was upset . . ."

"That's not what I meant."

"What is it, Jonny? Say what you mean."

"I don't know," the young man answered, his frustration showing. "I can't . . . he just doesn't look right, somehow. I don't think . . . I can't explain it!"

Barbara patted his arm consolingly. "Don't worry," she reassured him. "My nurse is with him and he was sleeping when I left. He'll be fine." Privately, she was seriously concerned. For Jonny to have noted a problem with his father, even with them being as estranged as they had been over the last several months, made her extremely uneasy. "If it will make you feel better, I've already ordered some tests and I'll do a complete physical on him while I have him nailed to the floor."

Jonny nodded, looking relieved. "Yeah, it would."

"Done!" she said, smiling at him. "Come on, let's go for our walk."

Leaving Jessie at the table, the two of them rose and walked out into the mid-morning sunshine. It was one of those glorious late-spring days . . . warm and windy, with the scent of flowers everywhere. They walked leisurely, and Barbara let Jonny take his time, not pressuring him to open up to her. Slowly, and with great difficulty, Jonny began to talk, telling her about getting the letter from M.I.T., deciding to contact the chair of the Admissions Committee, and of his visit to the school. He described his meeting with the Provost and the realization that pressure from the Trustees could only have come from one place. He described the confrontation with his father and about life in the Quest household during the succeeding weeks. Finally, he told her about the long talks that he and Jessie had concerning what they were going to do next, and the ultimate decision to move out of the Compound as soon after commencement as they could. By this time, they had reached the harbor. Barbara allowed him to take the lead, and he wandered out onto the pier. He followed the wooden boardwalk along the shoreline, away from the boats, until he came to the last of the wooden pilings. There he stopped and, leaning against the thick wooden post, he gazed out across the harbor toward the open ocean. "I was lucky enough to find a job that will support us, and Jess plans to find work once we've settled into the apartment, so we'll do well enough. I . . . I just . . ."

Moving up beside him, Barbara sat down on the edge of the pier, leaving enough room for him to join her. "What?" she said encouragingly.

After a long moment of silence, he sat down abruptly and looked her directly in the eyes. She could see the shadow of tears as he returned her gaze. "I can't stay there any more, Dr. Mason! I can't. Every time I look at him I feel like I'm being torn apart. Why? Why did he do something like this? All of my life, he's always told me that if I was upset or angry that I could come and talk with him about it. It never mattered what the subject was. When he found out about Jess and I . . . if it upset him so much . . . why didn't he come to me? I would have listened, Dr. Mason. I may not have liked what he had to say, but I would have listened. He's my father . . . I've always tried to respect his advice. But he didn't. Instead, he went behind my back and did everything he could to try to mess up the life Jess and I are trying to build together. Do you have any idea how stupid I felt when Provost Brown told me that my admission had been pulled by the Trustees? He knew, Dr. Mason! I could see it in his eyes. He knew that it was my father's doing. It was like someone had struck me in the stomach with a baseball bat. I didn't know what to say . . . what to do . . ." He reached up and swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "How can I ever trust him again?"

Barbara looked at the bowed head of the hunched up young man beside her and felt tears prick at her own eyes. Reaching out, she caressed his blonde hair gently. Clearing her throat, she said, "I know it's been hard, Jonny. But I promise you, somehow we'll find a way to sort this out." Slowly, he gazed up at her again. His eyes appeared bruised and cloudy, and she was shaken by how young and vulnerable he looked.

Barbara allowed the silence to lengthen, giving Jonny the time to recover. Finally, she asked him, "What do you think caused this, Jonny?"

"I don't know why he did it." Jonny repeated.

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean, what do you think set him off? Do you know?"

Jonny sighed deeply. "Yes." Straightening up, he squared his shoulders and turned to face her. She got the feeling he was steeling himself for a blow as he said, "Somehow he found out that Jessie and I have been having sexual intercourse."

"And that upset him?" She kept her voice carefully neutral, showing no reaction of any kind to the admission.

"Yes." He stared at her closely and finally said, "You don't seem surprised."

She raised one eyebrow at him. "About what?"

"About what Jess and I have been doing."

"Should I be? You've never made any secret about the way you felt about her. And I know more about your family than most. So no, I'm not surprised by this." She smiled at him good-naturedly. "Furthermore, where do you suppose Jessie got her birth control pills?"

He looked momentarily flustered. "Oh . . . yeah . . . I didn't think about that." He rubbed his eyes and suddenly a shadow of his old smile flickered. "Jess even told me. She said her mom had taken her to see you."

"Yes, she did. You seemed to expect me to be shocked by that admission. Why is that?"

"I don't know," he said with a shrug. "I guess because my dad was." He looked up at her and that desperation was back again. "We were careful to be discrete, Dr. Mason. But we weren't trying to hide our relationship or deceive anyone! It was just our decision to make. We discussed it . . . prepared for it . . . and when the time was right, we did it." His voice had risen steadily and he was beginning to become upset again. "Why can't he understand that . . . "

Barbara laid a hand on his shoulder and crooned soothingly, "I know, Jonny, I know. It's okay . . ." She felt the young man shudder and she gave him some time to get himself back under control again. After a while, he sighed deeply and said,

"I also keep waiting for the shit to hit the fan again, too."

"How so?"

"I figure sooner or later Race will lay into me, too. I'm surprised he hasn't already. My father's declaration in the study that evening can't have been an easy way for Race to find out about it. I'm lucky I'm even still alive."

"What makes you think that was the first Race knew of it?" The surprised look Jonny gave her made her smile slightly. "Race has known for quite some time."

That shocked him. "He does? He has? How?"

"Estella told him not long after Jessie told her mother. She made sure they were good and far away from the two of you and then broke the news to him."

"I didn't know Jess had told Estella."

"I think Estella pinned her down. She was expecting it and recognized the signs."

"Was Race upset?"

"Well, he would be, now wouldn't he? But Race has a lot of sense," she replied. Then she grinned at him. "He also has a very wide streak of fair play, and Estella says that he admitted later, after he'd had the chance to cool down a little, that he really couldn't fault his daughter for following his own example . . . even if it occurs to him now that it probably was a bad one." That elicited the ghost of a chuckle from Jonny. "But that takes us back to my original question. What set your father off? You're sure it was the awareness of your physical relationship with Jessie?"

"Oh, yeah. There's no doubt about that. He's said as much a couple of times." Jonny sighed. "You know, Dr. Mason, if he had just come to me . . . "

"I know," she said consolingly. "And I can't believe that there wasn't a reason why he didn't." She turned to the young man beside her. Catching his gaze firmly, she said, "The biggest problem here, Jonny, is that both of you quit talking to each other. Neither of you will give an inch and that is no way to try to find a solution."

"I don't know how to give here, Dr. Mason," Jonny replied desperately. "What he's asking . . . demanding . . . is more than I can do."

Barbara nodded and sighed. "I understand. Let's just not get ahead of ourselves, okay? We'll take this one step at a time and see where it leads."

Jonny's shoulders slumped and he nodded. "If he just would have trusted me," he said softly. Footsteps on the boardwalk caused both of them to look up and they saw Jessie approaching them slowly. Jonny and Barbara rose and turned to meet her. Stepping forward, Jonny took her into his arms and held her close. Turning back to the older woman, he said levelly, "One last thing, Dr. Mason . . ." She nodded at him. "I love Jessie more than anything else in the world. She's life itself to me, and I really do believe she always will be. For some reason, my father seems to think that I'll change my mind about that, as I get older. He's wrong . . . I won't. Whatever solution we find to this problem, the one thing I can't . . . and won't . . . accept is being separated from her or having the pace of our relationship dictated by my father. Those decisions aren't his to make, and I won't relinquish my right to make them for myself."

"I understand."

Barbara saw some of the tension in him ease as she said that. Turning back to the young woman in his arms, he tilted her head back and kissed her tenderly. With a final whispered, "I'll see you back at the house," he turned and strode away.

Barbara turned back to Jessie and gestured toward the waterside park not far away. "We seem to have a couple of boats coming in. What say we move over to the bench over there?" Jessie nodded and the two of them walked back down the boardwalk and stepped off of the pier. Wandering across the grass, Jessie went up to the large bronze statue of Andre the harbor seal that sat at the center of the park. Barbara watched in silence as the young woman circled the reclining creature, her fingers running across its surface lightly. Finally, she looked up.

"What do you want to know?"

"First, tell me the whole story in your own words."

"Where do you want me to start?"

"From the beginning."

Jessie snorted softly. "That could take all day. I was born on . . ."

Barbara laughed. "I don't think you need to go back quite that far. Start at whatever point you feel has direct impact on the current situation."

Jessie thought about it for a while. Finally, coming around to the front of the statue, she leaned against it and said, "I guess it all started in mid-December when Jonny and I talked about it and finally decided we were ready to have sex." She told Barbara about their frank discussion about their feelings, their decision that they were ready for the next step, and the way that circumstances provided the perfect opportunity to act on their decision. She talked about the subsequent months and the care they had taken to keep the relationship private. Then she told Barbara about her mother asking her point-blank about how far the relationship had progressed and of her admission that they were having sex. "She told me then that she was going to tell my father," Jessie said, looking at Barbara. Then she shrugged. "I don't know if she ever did."

Barbara nodded. "She did."

"You know that for sure?"

"Yes."

Jessie looked at her with a hint of suspicion. "How do you know?"

Barbara sighed. "Jessie, all of us need someone to talk to from time-to-time . . . even your mother. She and I have become good friends."

"What else has she told you?"

Barbara smiled slightly and said, "So what happened next?"

Realizing she wasn't going to get an answer, Jessie continued, "My dad never said anything, so things just kind of went along normally until late February."

"What happened in late February?"

"Jonny turned really tense."

Barbara looked surprised. Here was something new. "Tense in what way?"

Jessie shrugged irritably. "I don't know . . . it's hard to describe. He . . . he didn't seem to laugh as much . . . and he was jumpy. You'd come up behind him when he didn't know you were there and when you said something, he'd jump a foot. He also got secretive. I asked him repeatedly if something was bothering him, but he kept denying it."

"Something was bothering him, though?"

"Yeah. I finally figured out later that he'd gotten that rejection letter from M.I.T. and that's what was causing it. You see, we'd made all of these plans . . ."

"What kind of plans?"

Jessie laughed bitterly. "We had our whole life all mapped out. We were going to go to M.I.T. and get our degrees. Then we'd get married and maybe work for a few years to get some experience, and then go back to Quest Enterprises and work with his dad. Once we were back there, we could start a family and . . ." She trailed off and Barbara saw tears shining in her eyes. "And then he got that rejection letter and everything just fell apart." She bowed her head and Barbara could hear the tears as she continued haltingly, "He came home from Cambridge so angry, and then Dr. Quest started yelling at him . . . I . . . I'd never heard him yell at any of us before . . . not like that. And he kept saying how what we were doing was so wrong . . . and how we were way too young and we didn't know what we were doing . . . and . . . and I felt . . ." She was crying in earnest now. "And it was all my fault . . ."

Barbara leaped forward and caught Jessie in her arms, holding the sobbing young woman and making comforting noises. Finally, she led the girl to a nearby bench and the two of them sat down. Fishing in her pocket, she found a tissue and gave it to Jessie, then sat quietly beside her as the young woman struggled to regain her composure. Finally, Barbara said, "Better?" Mutely, Jessie nodded. "Good. Now, what was your fault?"

"All of it," she said, sniffing audibly.

"Why?"

"Because Jonny told me clear back in December that his father wasn't ready for the reality of our relationship. He knew, Dr. Mason. He knew how hard it would hit Dr. Quest if we continued and he found out about it. But I was the one who pointed out that it wasn't Dr. Quest's decision to make and that it should be up to us."

"Did you pressure Jonny into advancing the relationship?"

"N-n-no," she stuttered a little. Then she added uncertainly, "I don't think I did . . ."

Barbara shook her head. "Don't start to second guess yourself, Jessie. Go with your initial impression. Did you pressure him into anything?"

Her head came up and she looked the other woman in the eye. "No," she said with surety this time. "We discussed it . . . like adults . . . and it was later, after he'd thought about it for a while, that we decided to make that commitment."

"Good. Now, I want you to think about this very carefully before you answer me, okay?" The girl nodded. "Looking at everything that has gone on and all that's been said, how do you feel? About Benton . . . about Jonny . . . about your relationship with both of them . . . and about what you and Jonny are planning to do next."

Jessie was quiet for a long time, and Barbara could see her trying to sort through everything and find an answer. Finally, she took a deep breath and said, "I love Jonny Quest with all my heart. The idea of being separated from him is like facing the idea of dying." She looked up at Barbara. "We've been through separation before, Dr. Mason. There was a point when he thought I had died. And there was a time when I thought the same thing about him." Barbara watched as a shudder passed through Jessie. "I don't know what I would do if I had to face that again." Barbara nodded at her encouragingly. "As far as Dr. Quest is concerned . . . " Tears brimmed again and Jessie struggled desperately to hold them back. "I had always felt that he loved me . . . and that he was pleased that I loved his son. I never tried to take anything away from him. If anything, I thought that my love for Jonny brought me closer to him and that my being around made him happy. To find out that he resented me . . . wanted me gone . . ." A single tear escaped and slipped down her face. "I . . . it hurt, Dr. Mason . . . a lot . . . and it still hurts . . . " Barbara ached for this young woman. "But I still love him . . . and I understand that a lot of his pain is because his wife died so suddenly . . ." Jessie fell silent, but Barbara got the feeling she wasn't done yet. So she sat quietly, waiting. Suddenly, the girl looked up at her and said, "Jonny says he thinks we've cut Dr. Quest too much slack over Rachel's death."

Barbara raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Does he, now."

Jessie nodded. "He said that he thinks we tiptoe around the subject too much and that it's time that Dr. Quest just gets over it."

"He may be right. But I have to say it's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. He was saying just a little while ago that he could never let go of you, either."

That brought a glimmer of a smile. "They're a whole lot alike, Dr. Quest and Jonny."

Barbara chuckled a bit sourly, "Too much alike sometimes, I'm afraid."

"Isn't that the truth!" Then the smile faded. "I said something to him that was pretty unfair, Dr. Mason."

"To whom?"

"Dr. Quest."

"What did you say?"

"It was the morning after Jonny's trip to M.I.T. Jonny had left the room and Dr. Quest was trying to convince me to talk Jonny into splitting up for a while and going away to school."

"Rather a lot to ask of you, I think."

"Yeah, well . . . I was pretty upset."

"I can imagine."

"He asked me if I thought it was really so much to ask of us."

"What did you say?"

Jessie sighed. "I told him that he should ask himself the same question . . . considering he'd had to do without Rachel for so long."

Barbara winced. "Ouch."

"Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have said it."

"But you kept thinking about what Jonny had said about cutting him too much slack over Rachel's death."

"Well, I don't remember consciously thinking that at the time, but . . ."

"I understand. And now, Jessie? How do you feel about your plans to move to Boston and set out on your own?"

The young woman was quiet for a very long time. Finally, she sighed. "I'm scared, Dr. Mason, and that's the honest truth. But even so, I still think it's the right thing to do. We can't stay in that house. The rapport that Jonny and his dad used to share is gone. Life is just awful and has been for months. And even if the two of them start talking again, there will always be that one thing Dr. Quest said that will hang over our heads . . ."

"What did he say?"

"It was a very parental thing and he was angry at the time, but I have to admit that I never really expected to hear him say it."

"What?"

" 'As long as you're living in my house . . .' "

"Oh, hell. He didn't."

"Yes, he did."

Damn it, Benton, what the hell were you thinking? Barbara thought to herself in disgust. What did you do, plan to say all of the things that were custom-designed to set them off? You really aren't making my life easy.

"Well, we deal with what we're given, right?" Barbara stood and smiled down at her companion. "What do you say we head back? I still want to talk with your parents and it's starting to get on toward lunchtime. I only have a limited window here. I want to be certain to be back at the office before Benton wakes up."

Jessie rose and the two of them turned to walk back toward town. "Is there something wrong with him, Dr. Mason? Jonny's right. He hasn't been looking very well lately. In fact, I'm not sure he's been totally right since before Thanksgiving."

Barbara frowned at her. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I know he's been under a lot of strain. First, Jonny falling off the high cliff out behind the house just devastated him. Even after that whole business was resolved and we were all back together safely, he used to disappear for long periods of time all by himself. We all just figured he was trying to get his equilibrium back. Then the attack on Mom and Dad happened and that really shook him. And then Baxter's people tried for Kefira and I, and that guy Baxter sent smacked me around. I didn't realize it until later, but that really upset him . . . even more than it did Jonny, actually. Then Baxter's people blew up the house and for a few minutes we thought we'd lost Hadji. And we'd no more than gotten that all cleaned up and the house repaired when this happened." She shook her head. "I can't pin it down, but he just hasn't seemed quite himself for a long time now."

"You're right," Barbara agreed. "He's been under a lot of stress over the past few months. I haven't had the chance to ask him yet, but I'm guessing he isn't sleeping well, either. That may be all it is, and hopefully, some start of a solution to this and several good nights sleep should give him the opportunity to bounce back. He's always been disgustingly healthy."

"I don't ever remember him being sick."

"I can't say that I do, either. So I would think that some rest is all he needs now. But like I told Jonny, I'll check to be certain."

"Thank you."

Barbara smiled at the young woman and, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, gave her a quick, reassuring hug. But inside, the gnawing concern grew.

Something is going on with you, Benton Quest, she thought worriedly. I just hope I can find out what it is before it's too late . . .

* * * * *

The trip back to the Quest Compound was quiet, with Jessie wrapped up in her own thoughts. The interviews with Race, Estella, Hadji and Kefira had turned out to be interesting, as well, and began to reinforce an idea that was slowly forming in her mind. Right before she left, she talked with Jonny and Jessie one more time and elicited a promise from both of them that they wouldn't leave before she was able to get them together to talk one more time. She promised both of them that she would move quickly and asked that they be available at 10:00 the next morning unless she called and told them differently. They both agreed.

It was nearing 3:00 p.m. when she finally walked back into her office. Nicki, her receptionist, smiled and told her that she had been able to reschedule all of her day's appointments without a problem and none of her patients had indicated a need to see her urgently. Barbara nodded and asked her to see about clearing her schedule for the next day as well. As she walked toward her office, she could already hear Nicki starting to dial the phone. She found her nurse, Kathy, at the back of the office in the dispensary and confirmed that Benton was still sleeping in her office. They had checked on him periodically throughout the day, but he hadn't stirred.

Satisfied, Barbara returned to her office and opened the door quietly. He still lay on the sofa, the blanket tucked snuggly around him, and his even breathing indicated he still slept. She closed the door softly and crossed to her desk. She'd been sitting there making notes on a pad for no more than ten minutes when he finally stirred. She heard him shift and when she looked over, her gaze met his open eyes.

"Hello," she said softly. "Feeling better?"

"I don't really know," he replied, sounding dazed. He sat up gingerly and grunted. "How long have I been here?"

She checked her watch. "About seven hours. You were dead to the world."

The worry lines settled into his face again. "You shouldn't have left me here that long! I need to be at home."

"You needed to be right where you were . . . getting some rest." She rose and went to her lab coat, which was hanging in a nearby closet. Taking her stethoscope from the pocket she gestured at him. "Come on."

He rose obediently and followed her out of the office. "To where?"

She opened the door of the nearest exam room and gestured him inside. "To here. Up on the table."

He balked immediately. "I don't need . . ."

"Get up on that table!" she barked sharply and shoved him toward it. "Your entire family is worried sick about you. They made me promise to you give a good going over before I let you go home and I'm not going to disappoint them."

Grumbling, he climbed up and sat down. "This is silly . . ."

"Take off your shirt," she commanded. "It's not silly."

"I'm never sick."

"No, and we're going to see that you stay that way. Say 'ah'."

"Ahhh."

"You are a trial, Benton Quest, and there is no doubt about it. You ride herd on everyone else and force them into taking care of themselves, but you simply won't do the same. Breathe deeply."

Sitting up straight, he inhaled.

"Good. Again." Systematically, she ran though the standard physical. Everything appeared to be normal. Sticking her head out the door, she called up the hall, "Kathy, get me a blood draw kit."

"Very professional," Benton said dryly.

She grinned back at him. "Since you're the only patient in the house right now, I'm not going to stand on ceremony."

He looked surprised. "Quiet day? It's not like you not to have an office full of patients at 3:00 in the afternoon. And why do you want a blood draw kit, anyway? They did that this morning."

"Because I'm going to do it again. And I shuffled my schedule around today. Thanks, Kathy," she replied as the woman stuck her head in the door and handed her the tray. Ripping open the packet, she wrapped the rubber band around his upper arm and tightened it. Then she handed him a wooden dowel and directed, "Make a fist." She swabbed his arm with alcohol and then searched until she found a vein. With a deft movement she inserted the needle and completed the process. Pulling the rubber band loose, she pressed a gauze pad tightly against his arm and said, "Arm up over your head and press." As she turned to the counter behind her, she said quietly, "Okay, Benton, I want you to tell me what all of this is really about."

"What do you mean?" he said and she could hear the defenses go up.

She labeled the two tubes of blood and then turned back to him. Leaning against the counter, she crossed her arms across her chest and stared him straight in the eyes. "Your behavior over the last few months is not like you at all." She held up her hand to forestall his heated response. "And before you start denying it or getting angry, let me stop you right here. You have been acting strangely. You've said and done things that I never would have expected you to do . . . things that are totally out of character. I want to know why."

"How would you know what's in character for me and what isn't?" he demanded defensively. "And what business is it of yours, anyway?"

For the first time that day, Barbara's anger flared, and she deliberately let him see it. "You brought me into this, remember, not the other way around. You came to me. I have spent this entire damned day trying to piece together just exactly what's been happening during these last five months and I will tell you without hesitation that things are a disaster. I've heard what everyone else has to say. Now I'm asking you . . . what the hell is going on?"

"I told you this morning," he said sullenly, dropping his arm and reaching for his shirt.

Picking up a clean gauze pad and a strip of surgical tape from the tray, she crossed back to him. She checked his arm, applied the gauze, and taped it securely in place. "Leave that on for a couple of hours. Yes, you told me. You told me what had happened. What you didn't tell me is why. Benton, you are a great many things, but naïve is not one of them. You had to know the direction Jonny and Jessie's relationship was heading. Surely it didn't come as a complete surprise."

Benton sighed. "No, I suppose it didn't. Although I do think that I was denying it to myself pretty thoroughly. I just didn't want to see it. If I did, it would mean that I had to acknowledge that Jonny was almost grown and would be . . . that he . . . that I would be losing him . . ."

Barbara looked at him with a frown. "But he was getting ready to go off to school, anyway."

"Yes, but for some reason that was different. Being in college was just a small step from being in high school. Yes, he wouldn't be living at home, but still . . . The realization that he and Jessie had . . . " He stumbled to a halt.

Barbara gazed at him for a minute and then said softly, "It confirmed that he is truly an adult, and not your little boy anymore."

Benton closed his eyes and Barbara got the distinct impression that he was trying to shut out something more than the room they were in. "'Adult'. Yes . . . yes, it was certainly that."

"How did you find out about it, Benton?" she pursued, warned by the tone of his voice that she was getting close to whatever it was that set the entire disaster in motion.

He sighed and his shoulders drooped. After a minute, he rubbed his head and looked at her again. "I . . . caught them."

Inwardly, Barbara winced. Ouch, she thought. "Tell me about it."

Benton slid down off of the examination table and shrugged into his shirt. He buttoned it slowly as he stared at the floor. "It was the second week of February." A humorless smile twisted his lips fleetingly. "February 6th, to be precise. I had a Board of Trustees meeting at M.I.T. that day and from there I was leaving on a research trip for a week. As usual, Race was going with me to handle logistics, Hadji and Kefira were off at college, and Estella was in Bogota fighting with the museum over her last dig again. The house was still under construction and that meant that someone had to stay there to oversee the project and get the construction crews in and out through Compound security. Since Jonny and Jessie were still in school, they were the logical choice. None of us thought a thing about it."

"Of course not. They'd done it before."

"Yes." He sighed and sat down a nearby chair. Barbara pulled up her rolling stool and sat down nearby. "I'd left early . . . about 7:00 . . . since I was driving down to Cambridge. Once I was finished, I was to join Race at Logan Airport in Boston and we were going directly from there. I was about half an hour out of Rockport before I realized that I'd left the file with all my notes for the Trustees meeting sitting on the desk in my bedroom. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have worried about it, but this time, there were some survey forms that I needed, so I ended up going back for it." Benton slouched back in the chair and extended his legs out in front of him. Laying his head back against the wall, he closed his eyes and continued, "I was in a hurry, so I used my system override as I turned onto the access road to the Compound."

"I get the feeling there's some significance to that," Barbara commented, watching him closely.

"Yes. As long as the Compound security isn't on alert, it shuts down the entire system and opens the gate without triggering any sort of alarms. It also overrides any standing instructions."

"And that means?"

Benton sighed again. "And that means that the notify command the kids had set up didn't function, so they had no warning that I was on my way back."

"Oh."

That humorless smile flickered again. "Yes. I parked at the front of the house, went straight in the door and up the stairs to my bedroom. The file was right where I thought it would be. I grabbed it and was heading for the stairs again when I heard them." He seemed to be talking compulsively now, as if unable to stop. "They were very . . . very . . . " He hesitated, searching for the right word, and then continued jerkily, " . . . involved . . . and Jessie was . . . was . . ."

"Noisy?" Barbara supplied, when he faltered.

"Yes. And he . . . was just as bad. You could tell this wasn't their first time. They knew exactly what they were doing. My timing couldn't have been better . . . "

"Or worse?" she prompted.

"Or worse," he agreed. He stopped, breathing deeply. Finally, his smile flickered again and this time it contained a shadow of real humor. "I caught them right at the climax of the entire experience . . . if you'll forgive the pun."

Barbara laughed softly and looked at him with sympathy. "You didn't confront them, obviously."

"No." He shook his head. "I ran. That's the honest truth. I don't even remember getting to Cambridge. The next thing I remember clearly was sitting in the Boardroom at M.I.T., staring down at a batch of papers and seeing Jonny's name leap off the page at me. It was the memo from the Admissions Committee with the list of students to be offered admission for the fall term. Both Jonny and Jessie's names were on that list. I remember thinking that if one of them didn't get in, then they'd be forced to go to different schools and they wouldn't be able to . . . " He stumbled to a halt. Then, in a bewildered voice, he said, "I never dreamed he would simply refuse to go to school at all . . ." He shook his head again. "What the hell was I thinking, Barbara? I remember looking across the room and seeing Chuck Vest. The next thing I knew, I was giving him some lame excuse about there being 'personal circumstances' that made it better for Jonny to attend school further away from home and asking him, as a personal favor to me, to see that Jonny's request for admission got denied."

"And it did."

"Yes. And when he found out about it, all hell broke loose."

"I'm surprised they told him."

"My son is persistent, if nothing else."

"Obviously."

"I have made a serious mess out of all of this, Barbara, but the truth is that I still think I'm right. They're too young for this and they'd be better off stepping back for a while. And I simply can't tolerate Jonny not going on to school. He's way too intelligent to settle for some 8:00 to 5:00 job, no matter how good the salary is."

Barbara sighed. "I understand, but let's take this one step at a time. First, the two of us are going to get some dinner. I don't know about you, but I haven't eaten since about 6:30 this morning and I'm famished. Then I'm going to follow you back out to the Compound and you are going straight to bed. And I'll tolerate no arguments. You're still looking seriously tired, Benton, and tomorrow isn't going to be an easy day. You need to get a good night's sleep so you're prepared to tackle it. And while you do it, I'm going to think about what everyone has told me. At 10:00 tomorrow morning, you and your son, and maybe Jessie, are going to sit down and see if we can't address some of things that have been going on."

"But . . ."

"Benton, do you trust me?"

"Of course!" he replied promptly.

"Then let's do it my way, okay?"

Finally, he nodded. "Alright. We'll try it your way."

"Good. Come on. We've got a drive ahead of us."

He looked at her in surprise. "We do?"

"Yes. I want steak au poivre and the only place around here I know to get good steak au poivre is in Augusta, so we better get started. I'll even buy."

Benton stood up and smiled at her. "No, I'll buy. It's the least I can do." He gestured at the door. "After you . . ."

* * * * *

It was nearing 10:00 a.m. the next morning when Barbara Mason drove through the front gate of the Quest Compound. She was tense. A great deal hung on what would happen during the next couple of hours.

She and Benton had gone to Augusta for dinner in Benton's car. It was a relaxed affair and she deliberately kept the conversation away from Benton's problems with his son. At about 9:00, they left the restaurant and headed back to Rockport. Benton was tired and had allowed her to convince him that she should drive. He had dozed most of the way back. She took him directly home, overriding his protests that it left her stranded at the Compound without her car. She saw him safely into bed and stayed until she knew he was soundly asleep. He probably wasn't happy when he woke up this morning, since she had managed to drug him again to ensure that he slept soundly all night, but she would endure his wrath on that one. Seeing that he got the much-needed rest was more important. After that, she had gotten Race to run her back to her office, where she picked up her car and went home. Then, she spent the rest of the night lying in bed staring sleeplessly at the ceiling as she reviewed the entire situation over and over.

Benton had been right. He'd made a serious mess of things. His own personal fears and emotions had been kept tightly bottled up for way too long. Even Race, who knew him better than anyone alive, had no idea how deeply the man's insecurities ran. Without ever having known the woman, Barbara recognized that it was Rachel's unshakeable faith in her husband that had allowed Benton the freedom to excel. And when she died, that anchor to his self-confidence had been cut. He should have sought professional help almost immediately after her death, but that hadn't happened and the problems continued to grow. It had been Jonny and Hadji's love and faith in him that had steadied Benton Quest. Barbara shook her head silently as she parked the car on the rain-soaked circular drive. And that was the real heart of today's problem. Benton had never developed that honest faith in himself . . . he had simply transferred his dependence from his wife to his sons. And now, 12 years later, his world was crashing in on him again as his sons prepared themselves for their own lives.

Jonny had been right. When Benton discovered what had been going on between he and Jessie, he should have confronted Jonny with it directly. No matter how nasty that scene might have gotten, it would have been preferable to what actually happened. It was also true that it would have been better if Jonny had taken the initiative and told Benton the truth from the beginning, but that was water under the bridge, too. The important thing now was to figure out how to mend the damage that had already been done. She hoped she had the strength and the wisdom to accomplish it.

Estella greeted her at the door and drew her into the entryway.

"How are things this morning?" Barbara asked softly.

"Tense," Estella replied, taking her raincoat and hanging it in the front closet. "Jonny and Jessie are still packing, and both of them are avoiding Benton like a plague. Their plans are to be out of here by early this afternoon."

Barbara gazed at the other woman steadily. "You realize, don't you, that there is no way to stop them from leaving, and I'm not even going to try. If I give even the slightest hint that I support Benton in his desire to keep one or both of them here against their will, those two are going to turn on me and we'll never get anywhere. The key to this whole thing is for me to remain neutral and serve as a catalyst to try to get them to start talking again."

Estella sighed and nodded. "We realize that. You know, of course, that Race and I don't approve of what they're doing, either. On that score, we both agree with Benton. They're too young to be severing all ties and setting off on their own like this. They have no idea how hard this is really going to be. And Jonny should be in school. He's far too bright to pass up the opportunity to advance his education. He's being stubborn and short-sighted."

"Have you said that to them?"

"Not in such harsh words," Estella replied, shaking her head. "We don't dare. We're in the same position you're in. Right now, both of them are still talking to us and we've been scared to death that if we push too hard, they'll shut us out exactly the way they've done with Benton. Then where would we be?"

Barbara nodded. "I think that's wise. And I'll say this much, Estella. With the way things are right now, I'm not so certain that Jonny's decision not to attend school immediately isn't the right one." She held up her hand, forestalling the other woman's protest. "I don't think he's decided never to go on. I think he just realizes that it's more than he can deal with right now. You have to remember that at virtually any school he attends, he's going to be running into colleagues of Benton's everywhere he turns. And because Jonny always traveled with Benton, they will all recognize him. When that happens, the immediate response will be for them to ask him about his father. Right now, that wound is way too raw. I think he's smart to step away. Give him some time to get his feet back under him. He'll go on to school eventually, I'm sure of it. You're right . . . he's too bright not to, and the eight to five grind will lose it's gloss soon enough."

Estella nodded slowly. "You know, I'd never considered that. Benton seems to know everybody. He'd never get away from it."

Barbara was nodding as Race came into the entryway and joined them. From the expression on his face, she knew that he had been listening to the conversation for a while before putting in an appearance. She looked from one to the other gravely. "What you both need to understand is that Jonny has been seriously rocked by this. He's always trusted his father without question. But Benton's actions shattered that trust and now he no longer knows how to relate to him. It's like he's searching for firm ground and is finding only shifting sand. My goal today is to start laying the foundations that will allow them to rebuild that sense of trust. And that means opening the door for dialog between them." She was quiet for a moment, gazing at them. "And there is a wild card in this mix that can make or break the situation, I think. Jessie."

"Jessie!" Estella exclaimed.

Barbara nodded. "Jonny's attachment to her, and hers to him, is real . . . not some teenager's first crush. If I ever doubted it, I don't any longer . . . not after having talked with both of them yesterday. No matter how rational and calm we try to be, when Benton lashes out at her there will be repercussions. And I think it's a foregone conclusion that Benton will lash out at her . . . sooner or later. It's not that he doesn't love her, or even that he begrudges her the relationship with his son, it's more that she represents what he feels he's losing. It's not rational, I know, but that's how it is. Eventually, he's got to vent those emotions, and that's not going to be pretty. What the end result will be will depend largely on how well Jessie can weather the storm. If she can remain calm and hold her temper, I think we should be all right. But if she loses it . . . either in anger or in tears . . . she will set Jonny off, and we may end up being in a worse position than we were before. I've talked to her about this and she says that she understands. We'll just have to wait and see how things play out."

"Maybe it would be better if you met with Benton and Jonny without her being there," Race ventured.

"It probably would be," Barbara agreed. "But I'm not sure we can accomplish that. Jonny and Jessie are forming up into a unit. Watch their body language. It's instinct, when one of them comes under stress, for the other to literally drop in beside. They stand shoulder-to-shoulder and face the threat together, head-on. It's amazing to see, and they're remarkably consistent about it. I don't think that Jessie will let Jonny walk into that meeting alone."

"If she understands how important it is . . ."

"Maybe."

"I'll talk with her," Estella said and moved off determinedly.

Barbara sighed. "Come on," she said to Race, "let's get this over with."

Race said, "Benton's in his study. I'll go up and ask Jonny to come down and join you there . . ."

"No!" Barbara said sharply. "Not Benton's study . . . not the lighthouse . . . and not the seating area in Benton's room. We need neutral ground . . . somewhere that will give neither of them the feeling that the other starts with an advantage."

"How about the sitting area in our quarters," Race asked. "Neither of them has spent any large amount of time there. It will be as neutral as we can find here."

Barbara nodded. "That will do. Give me five minutes with Benton and then go get Jonny and take him there. I'll bring Benton."

Race nodded and moved away as Barbara headed down the hall to Benton's study. She knocked on the door and entered at his call. She smiled at him as she crossed the floor, all the while observing him closely. He didn't look quite as ragged this morning. The lines of exhaustion had eased slightly and his eyes were clear and aware, but she could see the tension in the set of his shoulders and the tightness of his mouth.

"Good morning," she said gently. "Are you feeling better today?"

"Yes, I'm fine," he replied, glancing away as she came to lean on the corner of the desk near him.

She reached out and caught his chin with two fingers, tilting his head so he was forced to look at her. "No lies and no hedging today, Benton. It's important that you be totally honest, both with me and with your son. Covering up feelings or trying to hide behind walls is going to do more harm than good."

Benton pulled away and stood, striding over to stare out across the green, rain-swept lawn. "How do I do that, Barbara? How do I get him to understand that what I did was for his own good? I've told him over and over . . ."

"Yes, Benton, you have," she said gently. "You've told him. But he's not a child any longer. That's the first thing you are going to have to accept. You can't tell him things and expect him to obey you blindly any more."

He turned back to her. "You think I should have gone to him and simply asked him to stop sleeping with Jessie."

"Yes."

"And if he had told me that it was none of my business?"

"Then you should have accepted that and let it go. Because the truth is, Benton, it isn't your business any longer. I'm not telling you that you necessarily have to like his decisions or that you shouldn't try to discuss those decisions with him so that he sees all the likely repercussions clearly. But I am telling you that you do have to respect his right to make them, and to let him live with the consequences."

"But he's so young . . ."

"Not so young any more . . . and I don't mean in terms of his sexuality. He's old enough to be able to make his way as an adult. No, it won't be easy, but then, it wasn't for us, either, now was it? You simply can't tell him what to do any more. The more you try, the more you're going to alienate him. All you can do is give him advice. Whether he takes it or not will be up to him."

Benton hung his head and rubbed his neck wearily. "I royally screwed this up, didn't I?"

Barbara laughed lightly, trying to dispel some of the gloom and tension surrounding her companion. "Let's just say that you've done things with your usual fine style. Come on, let's go meet with your son and see if we can't start to rebuild the rapport the two of you used to share."

She drew him toward the door and, as she opened it, he looked at her in confusion. "Where are we going?" he asked, following her into the hall.

"To Race and Estella's sitting room."

"But I thought that we would . . ." he began, gesturing at the door behind him, but he trailed off at her look. "Oh. Not exactly Geneva, is it?"

"You're learning," she said with a soft laugh. She gestured at the door to Race and Estella's suite. "Go on, you first."

Jonny was already waiting when the two of them entered. He sat, upright and tense, in the corner of the long sofa that occupied one wall of the room. Barbara saw that two additional chairs had been drawn up to form a loose circle around where the young man was sitting. There was no sign of Jessie.

The two men eyed each other warily as Barbara sat down. She looked from one to the other and then, in a calm, even voice she began.

"We're here because things have happened in the last several months that have caused a rift to develop between the two of you that is nearing the point of being irreparable. I think that both of you agree that allowing that to happen is unacceptable. Am I right about that?" Both men nodded slowly. "Good. That gives us a starting place. I spent yesterday talking to all of you, listening to each of your versions of how this came about. What I'm going to do now is review what happened from what I've been able to piece together from what each of you has told me. I don't want either of you to say a word until I'm finished, okay? I want you to sit there and listen. Will you do that?" Again, both men nodded.

Going back to December, she began with Jonny and Jessie's discussion on the decision to move their relationship into a physical one and described all of the subsequent events that led up to Benton's arrival in her office the day before. She watched as the care that the two young people had taken in preparing for the consummation of their relationship registered with Benton, and she didn't miss the relief on his face when he realized that Jessie had discussed the matter with her mother before the event. She also didn't miss Jonny's wince as she described the way in which Benton discovered the truth. When she finally finished, she was quiet for a moment, letting the words sink in. Finally, she asked, "Was all of that accurate, or did I miss anything?"

Wordlessly, both men shook their heads.

"Okay. So now we have the actual events in front of us and we all agree to their accuracy. That leaves us with two things: actions and feelings. That's where the real problem lies." She looked from one to the other. "All of us are driven by emotions . . . both good and bad. Fear, anger, resentment, insecurity . . . the darker emotions on one side of the slate, while on the other you have love, joy, hope, happiness. And it's a constant battle to keep those things in balance. The things we do . . . the actions we take . . . are usually a response to the feelings we have about things that have happened to us. And until we all become mind readers, the only way for a group of people to be able to deal with our feelings and to moderate our actions so that we maintain that balance is to be willing to be open and honest about things that bother us, and to talk out our issues. That's what . . ."

"Why didn't you just come to me?" Jonny suddenly burst out, unable to stay silent any longer. "I've never given you any reason to think you couldn't trust me, have I? That I wouldn't be willing to talk about anything that's bothering you? I knew you weren't ready for this. It's why Jess and I decided not to tell you about it . . ."

"Then why did you do it?" Benton demanded, in return. "Why were you in such a hurry . . ."

"Waiting until you're ready to decide what I need to do . . ." Jonny snapped back, his voice rising sharply.

"STOP!!!" Barbara Mason's voice echoed loudly in the sudden silence, cutting off the escalating argument sharply. She looked at both of them sternly. "Haven't you both had enough of yelling at each other? You're here to try to sort this out like adults, not scream at each other like children. Both of you have valid points and both of you made mistakes. We will start by conceding that point or we aren't going to get anywhere. Are we clear on that?"

Reluctantly, both nodded their agreement.

"Okay. Then . . . calmly . . . let's start with Jonny's first question. Benton, I want you to think about this and I want you to try to tell us why you didn't go to Jonny to discuss this when it first happened."

"Because I knew he wouldn't listen to me," Benton replied promptly. Barbara held up her hand, forestalling Jonny's heated response.

"Why? How could you be so certain that he wouldn't be willing to listen? Did he regularly refuse to listen to your advice or concerns? Or refuse to talk when you asked him to? Or, taking another thing he asked, didn't you trust him for some reason?"

"No, I've always trusted him. That was never an issue." Barbara could literally feel the tension level in the room drop and when she shot a look at the younger man, she saw a glimmer of hope for the first time. After some thought, Benton continued, "As for his willingness to listen, he's always been willing to sit down and talk about things in the past."

"So what made you think he wouldn't listen this time?"

Silence stretched out as Benton struggled to find a way to put his thoughts into words. Finally, he replied, "Because of how deeply involved he is. He . . . loses touch with reality . . . when he and Jessie are separated. I don't know how else to describe it. And I knew that if I tried to suggest that they needed to back off and give it some breathing space, that he would close up on me and I would never be able to reason with him." Benton turned to Barbara desperately, almost seeming to be unaware that his son was still in the room. "You weren't there . . . in Cairo . . . when Jessie was dying. We tried to reach him. We tried so hard!!! But he wouldn't listen. It was like he was dying right along with her and nothing we could do would stop it. And . . . and then, at Christmas, when Estella tripped those old memories and he froze up . . ." His breathing had increased sharply as his gaze turned inward. "God, Barbara, he was turning blue! If Race hadn't snapped him out of it . . ." He leaned forward and buried his face in his hands and she could see the shudder that passed through him.

She reached out and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Then, she turned to the younger man and said quietly, "Jonny?"

Jonny looked seriously shaken. He wet his lips and cleared his throat, as though not entirely certain what to say. Finally, he shook his head and stuttered, "I . . . I don't . . . I . . ." He stopped and then took a deep, steadying breath. "I don't know how to respond to that. I can't explain why I do things like that. I just do. My mind just seems to focus on something and I can't let it go. In London, when all those things started happening to Jess, it was like a light dawned and I suddenly realized how much I really did care for her. And it was like a freight train bearing down on me. Things kept going wrong and I couldn't do anything to stop them. And then Keller hurt her so badly and I knew that it was all my fault . . ."

His father's head snapped up sharply. "It wasn't your fault. You had no control over Baxter's people."

"But it was! If I hadn't been so stupid about Francesca in the first place, none of it would have happened!"

"You don't know that," Benton said urgently, reaching across the space between them but not touching his son. "We still would have gone to Cairo and we still would have come up against Baxter's men. You have no way of knowing what would have happened there. Jonny, you can't keep blaming yourself because Jessie was hurt in Cairo. It wasn't your fault!"

"They took her right out of my arms! I couldn't protect her."

"Just as I couldn't protect your mother." Barbara watched the two of them. This was an honest exchange, the current difficulties momentarily forgotten, in the face of much older, shared pain. Benton sighed heavily. "Jonny, the way you froze up at Christmas . . . haven't you wondered how Race knew exactly what to do?" Jonny looked at him blankly. "I used to do that . . . after your mother died. I couldn't get it out of my mind . . . seeing her lying there with her blood draining out onto the sand. All the things I knew . . . everything I'd ever done . . . and none of it was worth a damn. She believed in me and trusted me without reservation and all I could do was hold her as she died in my arms. It would replay itself over and over and over in my head like an endless loop, and over it all was the sound of your screams. No child should be forced to watch their mother die violently. I failed her . . . and you."

"NO!!!!" Jonny said loudly. "It wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could have done!" Barbara shivered, struck by an eerie feeling of déjà vu as she listened to the two of them parrot almost identical words back and forth about incidents that happened ten years apart.

"It's why I clung to Rachel's memory so fiercely," Benton continued. "It was the only thing that would keep that image at bay. And for years, when I was faced with a hard decision or you were sick or threatened, I'd turn to her memory in my head." His lips twisted into a smile that contained no humor. "Sometimes, it was almost as though I could talk with her. But at Christmas . . . when you . . . I realized that hanging on to her like that was wrong . . . that I had to let her go, no matter how hard it was. But it was already too late, wasn't it?" He turned away, and suddenly he seemed to sag and turned gray. "I'd already taught you to be that way, hadn't I?"

Barbara sat forward in alarm, not liking his sudden change in appearance. "Benton, are you feeling alright?"

Jonny was beside his father in an instant, placing one hand on his shoulder and the other on his forehead. "Dad? Dad, what's wrong?"

After a minute, Benton shook his head. "Nothing. I'm all right."

"No, you aren't!" Barbara said sharply, grabbing his wrist and feeling for a pulse. "I told you not to hedge with me today. Tell me what it is!"

Benton just shook his head again and shook her hand loose from his arm. "I'm tired, that's all, and I've got a headache." He looked up at his son and smiled ruefully. "I'm afraid I haven't been sleeping very well recently."

Jonny drew his father against him and looked over his head to Barbara, a questioning look on his face. She shook her head at him and said briskly, "I think we've done enough."

"No!" Benton said instantly. "We need to get this resolved. I'm fine, I promise."

Fighting to hide her ever-growing concern, she smiled at both of them. "But I've accomplished what I hoped to. We've made a start. The two of you are talking again. I'm not a miracle worker," she said to their nearly identical look. "I can't magically fix the pain and trouble you've been through. All I was trying to do was open the door so that you would begin to talk honestly with each other again. Both of you have issues that need to be worked through, not the least of which are those of trust. But that can't all be accomplished today. It's going to be a slow, steady rebuilding process and it's going to take time. But you've proved that you are both still capable of discussing things calmly, like adults. Do you think you can continue to do that?"

Jonny looked down at his father, who still sat in the circle of his son's arm. When he looked back up again, his eyes were clear and determined. "Yes," he said firmly.

"Benton?"

"Yes," he agreed wearily.

"Good. I'm always here if you need me, and I'm also going to give you some names of several very good psychologists, both here and in Boston. Whether you choose to use them or not is up to you. I don't think it would hurt either of you any, but I'm also not convinced that their help is vital at this point. That will depend on whether you can keep honest lines of communication open between the two of you."

"Thanks," Jonny said, and his gratitude was clear. "We won't let it get this bad again."

"And we'll have the sense to ask for help when we need it," Benton agreed.

Barbara nodded. "Good." After a moment's hesitation, she looked at Jonny and asked, "So, what are you going to do now?"

Jonny hesitated, clearly torn, but it was Benton who replied heavily, "He's going to continue with his plans to move to Boston . . . aren't you?"

Jonny stared down at his father for a long moment and then nodded. Benton looked up at him seriously. "I really don't want you to do this, son."

"I know," Jonny replied. The answer was quiet and calm with no underlying anger or coldness to it, but it was also obvious that there was no room for flexibility either. "I'm scheduled to start work on Monday. It's too late to change things now. And, Dad, this is something I really want to do."

Benton rubbed his face wearily. "I won't lie to you and tell you I'm happy about this, Jonny. I'm not. I'm not happy you aren't going to school, and I'm not happy that you and Jessie are going to be living together, unmarried. And I can't promise you that I won't keep after you about both things. But I'm forced to accept it's your choice to make and I won't further alienate you by fighting with you about it now. I owe you that much for my behavior."

"Thank you," Jonny replied quietly. Benton nodded and stood wearily. He looked at his son for a long instant and then reached out and laid his hand on Jonny's shoulder. "I love you very much, Jonathan. I don't want to lose you."

Jonny reached up and covered Benton's hand with his own. "I love you too, Dad."

Turning away from his son, Benton held out his hand. "Thank you, Barbara. I don't know what we would have done without your concern and common sense."

She smiled, caught his arm and drew it across her shoulder as she turned him toward the door. "You're very welcome. And you can show your gratitude by letting me take you up to your room and put you back to bed. You still haven't caught up on your rest and now is a good time to start."

He chuckled as the three of them moved out into the hall. "Mother hen."

"Damned right," she said spiritedly. She turned to Jonny as they neared the stairs. "Why don't you go on with what you were doing while I take your father upstairs. Will you be leaving today?"

Barbara saw him glance over at Jessie, who stood with the rest of the family in the entryway to the family room. She nodded imperceptibly, and Jonny replied, "Yeah, we're almost finished. We want to get the truck unloaded in Boston so we can use the next couple of days getting settled in before I have to start work."

Barbara nodded. "Then why don't you go on and I'll see your father settled and resting. You can come in and say goodbye before you leave."

"Dad?" his son asked.

"Go on. I'll talk to you again before you go."

As Barbara urged him up the stairs, Race dropped into place on his other side.

"You look like hell," he commented critically to Benton.

"Nag, nag, nag," Benton replied without heat. "You all sound like a broken record."

"Can you get him up to his room and into bed, Race? I need to get something out of my car." He nodded. Barbara paused at the head of the stairs and smiled quickly at Benton. "I'll be right back." She turned and passed Hadji and Kefira coming up the staircase as she descended again. Turning, she strode swiftly back to Benton's study. Crossing to the desk, she picked up the phone and dialed a number from memory. She fidgeted impatiently until a click and a voice on the other end of the line told her the connection had been made. "Is Stacey there? It's Barbara Mason." She waited impatiently until a new voice replied. "Stacey? It's Barbara Mason from Rockport. Did you get the stuff I had couriered to you yesterday on a patient of mine named Benton Quest? Can you check for me? It's important. Yeah, thanks. I'll wait." Shoving things around on the top of the desk, she located a pad of paper and a pen. "You did? Good. Have you had the chance to get to any of them yet? Damn. Look, I know it's a lot to ask, but can you expedite them for me? Yes. As soon as you can. I really need those results. Okay, I'll give you a call first thing in the morning, then. Yes. Thanks, Stacey, I'll owe you one." She hung up the phone and tossed the pen back onto the desk in frustration. When she turned, she found Estella standing in the doorway.

"We've got a serious problem, don't we? How sick is he?" she asked quietly.

Barbara sighed in frustration, massaging her neck in an effort to ease cramped muscles. "I honestly don't know. He's always been so damned healthy. But I don't like the way he looks, Estella. It may be that he's just stressed and isn't getting enough rest. Or it may be something else entirely. I just don't know. I need those test results, dammit!"

"What do you think it might be?"

Barbara waved a hand helplessly, beginning to pace. "Anemia? A liver disorder? A blood disease? Who knows? He won't talk to me! All he'll say is that he's tired. And, you know, even if the tests come back showing nothing wrong, that's not necessarily saying anything. He's been to so many exotic locations and been exposed to so many strange bugs, it could be almost anything!" She spun and stared at Estella fiercely, her fists clenched at her sides. "I'll tell you this much. If I don't find anything, he's going to see another doctor . . . one with a specialty in more exotic diseases . . . whether he likes it or not. I'm not going to let anything happen to him!"

Estella looked at her with sudden understanding. Then she smiled ruefully. "It's not easy, is it?"

"What?"

"Loving one of them."

Barbara opened her mouth to deny the implication, but Estella's look stopped her. Finally, her shoulders slumped and she sighed. "No. No, it's not."

Estella stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. "You should tell him."

"No," Barbara said with finality. "That's not a good idea."

"Why not? He needs to know that he's loved right now."

"He knows that, Estella. Jonny's actions in that room today told him that. He also knows that Hadji and Kefira love him . . . and you and Race. He's not hurting for people who care about him and he's aware of it."

"But they don't love him the way you do."

"No," she said bitterly and waved at the portrait on the nearby wall. "I love him the way SHE did." She glared up at the lovely blonde in the picture. "You know, I could really learn to hate that woman, Estella." Then she shook her head and sighed deeply. "No, that's not fair. It's not Rachel's fault . . . it's not anyone's fault. Furthermore, it's beside the point. The important thing is that right now, the last thing in the world he needs is someone new that he can use as an emotional crutch. He has to learn to stand alone . . . to find his own center and to build on that. If he doesn't, the next time something happens to one of the people he cares about, it's liable to kill him. Substituting someone new for him to lean on is not the way for him to get better." She straightened and squared her shoulders in determination. "Right now, the best thing I can do for him is to be his doctor and his friend." She stepped past the other woman and reached for the door. "I want to get my medical bag out of the car and take a closer look at him. Once I've done that, I want him to get some more sleep. Hopefully, I'll know more once I get those test results back tomorrow morning."

"All right," Estella agreed, but she leaned against the door, holding it closed for a moment longer. "One thing, though. When you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me. Take advantage of the offer, Barbara. You're setting yourself up for a rough time, and it will help to have someone to vent to."

Barbara caught her hand and squeezed it. "Thank you. I will."

The two of them left the study and as Estella headed back for her quarters, Barbara headed for the front of the house. As she passed the family room door, a hand snaked out and dragged her into that room. Jonny drew her into the corner of the room, out of sight of the door, where Jessie was waiting.

"What's wrong with him?" Jonny demanded in a low, urgent voice.

Barbara sighed inwardly. I ought to just call a meeting, she thought. "I don't know yet, Jonny."

"He's not just tired! I've seen him tired before, and it was nothing like this."

"It might be . . ."

"But you don't think so," he pursued relentlessly. Barbara suddenly felt very sorry for the administration at M.I.T. Persistent didn't even begin to cover it.

Slowly, she shook her head. "No, I don't think he's just tired. I think it's more than that. The exhaustion comes on him too abruptly and I don't like the way his color changes. But I honestly don't know what it is. I'm trying to find out, but you know what your father is like. Getting a straight answer out of him when it comes to his own health is like pulling teeth." Jonny stared at her intensely and she could see him thinking hard.

It was Jessie that voiced the thought that was obviously on both of their minds. "Should we stay, Dr. Mason? We will, if that's what you think would be best." Jonny nodded.

What did that cost them? Barbara wondered, looking from one to the other. She didn't doubt that if she told them that it was in Benton's best interests to stay, they would do it. Jonny would lose his job, and both of them would leave themselves open to the same environment that they had been living through day after day for months. And would it really accomplish anything? If stress was what was causing the problem, having the two of them here, unhappy but solicitous, would be unlikely to help the situation.

She shook her head. "That's not a decision I can make for you. This has to be your choice. I've told you that I don't know what's wrong with your father, Jonny, and that's the truth. I will promise you that whether you choose to stay or go, I won't rest until I find out." Jonny sighed, and Barbara grinned at him. "I'm sorry, son, but you were the one who said you were an adult and wanted to be able to make your own decisions. Unfortunately, they aren't always easy and there's usually no crystal ball to tell you what you should do."

Jonny nodded. "I understand." He looked at Jessie and said, "What do you think?"

She thought about it for a minute. "Is there anything we can do to help, Dr. Mason? If we stayed, I mean?"

Barbara shook her head. "Not that I know of."

Jessie turned back to Jonny. "It's your call, love. He's your father. I'll follow your lead."

"You will keep us informed, right? About whatever you find out? Even if Dad doesn't want you to tell us?"

"Now, Jonny, you know I can't do that." Barbara said with a frown. "Not if your father tells me not to."

"Not that he'd tell me, either," Jonny said with disgust. He thought a bit longer and then looked at Barbara again. "If there's nothing we can do here, then I think we don't have a choice but to go ahead with our plans. I really don't want to lose that job."

Barbara nodded. "Alright. Be sure to let me know how to reach you in case I need to." Jonny and Jessie nodded and then the three of them separated to their various tasks.

* * * * *

"That's cold!" Benton complained.

"Like I haven't heard that before," Barbara replied, laughing. She shifted the stethoscope to the other side of his chest and directed, "Breathe deeply." She repeated the process several times and then had him sit up and went through the same procedure across his back. When she finally finished, he looked at her with his old, wry humor.

"So, Doctor, will I live?"

"You're too ornery to do anything else. You know that. So tell me, Dr. Quest, how have you been feeling? Any pain or discomfort anywhere? Swollen glands? Dizziness? Nausea?"

"No."

"Any old diseases that might be coming back to haunt you?"

Benton sighed as he lay back down. "I had malaria once, but it's not that, trust me. I also had all of the standard childhood diseases and a bout of scarlet fever when I was fairly young. Other than that, nothing."

"You mentioned having a headache. Have you been suffering from headaches a lot recently?"

Reluctantly, he admitted, "Yes. A lot more than I used to, but I'm sure it's nothing more than stress. Honestly, I feel fine. I just haven't been sleeping well for quite a while so I'm very, very tired. And that's all due to tension. I just can't seem to turn my brain off." He stirred restlessly. "Will he be okay, Barbara? He's making some really bad decisions . . ."

"He's making his own decisions, Benton. Whether they're good or bad, only time will tell."

A soft knock on the door interrupted them.

"Come!"

The door opened and Jonny and Jessie came in. Both of them hesitated just over the threshold and after a minute, Jonny said, "We're ready to leave. We just wanted to come in and say goodbye."

"I'll walk you out to . . ." Benton said as he began to sit up. All three of them reacted immediately. Barbara caught his shoulders and pushed him back down onto the bed as Jonny jumped forward to help her.

Jessie surged to the end of the bed, with a muffled exclamation. "No, Dr. Quest! You need to rest."

"Stop it . . . all of you! I'm not at death's door!" he responded irritably, but the expression on Jonny's face pulled him up sharply. He reached out and snatched at his son's arm as Jonny started to pull away. "I'm sorry! I . . . I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

Barbara could see Jonny struggle for a minute, before he patted his father's hand and said, "It's okay, Dad. I know. But it won't hurt you to rest and there really isn't anything that you can help with. It's all done. We just wanted to see you one more time before we left." Suddenly, he leaned over and gave his father a fast, awkward hug before stepping away. "You take care of yourself." His voice was rough and Benton could see a glimmer of unshed tears in his eyes. Jonny held his father's gaze for a moment, then he turned and strode out of the room quickly.

"Goodbye, Dr. Quest," Jessie said quietly and turned to leave.

"Jessie, wait!" The young woman turned back. "Come here for a minute." Benton patted the bed beside him and after a brief hesitation, she sat down next to him. He caught her hands and looked at her steadily. "I am very sorry if you ever thought that I objected to you as the woman that my son loves. I never have. You are the daughter I never had and I don't want you to ever doubt that. I may think you're both too young for the actions you're taking, but it doesn't change the way I feel about you. I also know that you've done everything you could to try to ease things between Jonny and I. If you had taken offense over the last several months, I would have lost my son for good. There will never be any way I can thank you for that."

Jessie sat there for a minute, looking at the older man and blinking very hard. Suddenly, she flung herself down across his chest and clung to him tightly. Benton wrapped his arms around her and held her close. "I love you very much, Jessica Bannon," he said softly.

After a minute, Jessie sat up again, sniffing. "You take care of yourself, Dr. Quest. We'll call when we're settled." She turned away, but they both heard her soft voice. "I love you, too." And then she was gone.

* * * * *

It was after 8:00 p.m. when Barbara cracked the door to Benton's room and looked in on him again. Hadji and Kefira had left to go back to Colombia about an hour before and Race and Estella had just retired to the family room to relax and watch some TV. Things seemed to have settled down and she decided it was time for her to go home.

"I'm awake," Benton said. "I heard the phone. Was it them?"

"Yes," she replied, coming to stand by the side of the bed. "The truck is unloaded and everything is in the apartment. How do you feel?"

"Better. I got some sleep, at least."

"But not enough," she warned him. "I don't want you up tonight."

He shifted restlessly. "I don't know that I'll be able to sleep any more."

"Oh, yes you will," she replied firmly. Turning, she picked up a bottle and shook a capsule out into her hand. Picking up a nearby water glass, she sat down on the edge of the bed and ordered, "Take this."

"I don't need that!" he said sullenly.

"Yes, you do. I want you to sleep soundly tonight."

"Speaking of sleeping soundly," he said angrily, "I was out cold all last night. You doped me when I wasn't looking, didn't you?"

"Yes," she replied, without any trace of remorse.

"I won't tolerate that, Barbara. I don't like to take sleeping pills,"

"And you haven't been sleeping worth a damn, either, have you?"

He shifted restlessly again, and finally admitted, "No."

"Tonight you will. I'm not going to keep feeding them to you, but I want you to get one or two nights of sound sleep. I'm worried about you, Benton. You're stretched too thin. This will help relieve some of that. And to ensure that you get a good start, I'm going to sit right here until you are soundly asleep. So take it and let's get this show on the road."

"You can be a serious bully, you know that?" he commented sourly, swallowing the pill she gave him.

She fought to hide her grin. "I've had lots of practice."

Benton settled back again and lay quietly for a time. Then he said, "They're all gone now, aren't they?"

"Race and Estella are downstairs."

"But Jonny and Jessie are gone."

"Yes."

"And Hadji and Kefira."

"Yes, they're gone, too."

He sighed softly. "Where did the time go, Barbara? When did they grow up?"

"Life moves very quickly when you aren't paying attention."

"Too quickly."

"It will be okay, Benton. They're good kids . . . all of them. You don't need to worry about them."

"That's what everyone keeps telling me." He turned his head and looked up at her, groping for her hand in the dim light. "I owe you more than I'll ever be able to repay."

"We aren't keeping score," she replied, squeezing his hand gently. "I'm just glad that you felt you could come to me when you needed help."

"You're a good friend."

She could hear the drowsiness in his voice and she bit her lip against the surge of tenderness that filled her. "I'm here whenever you need me."

"I know."

She sat there holding his hand for a long time. Slowly, his breathing deepened and evened out as he sank into sleep. Finally, she slipped her hand out of his loosened grasp and tucked his arm under the blanket carefully. Pulling the bedclothes up around his chin, she gazed at him by the moonlight streaming in through the nearby windows. She reached out and stroked his hair lightly before she whispered, "Benton?" He didn't stir. She hesitated for a moment, then leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips.

"Good night, dear heart," she breathed. Then, she crossed the room silently and slipped away.