Final Fantasy 7-#12
"Attack! Capture! Ahhh!"
Part two in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga
Written by Gabe Ricard
With editing and rewriting assistance by Lotuss Tears
Well…the moment is at hand. The moment when I'm about to break the last rule in fan fiction I haven't broken yet. I'll explain myself a bit more once the fic is done with so until then sit back, keep your tolerance level as high as it shall allow and try to enjoy.
"Ha! I am the prince of all Saiya-Jins!"
Barret scowled, "Shut up! I would SO woop yo sorry ass if weren't for my damn gun arm of mine."
Cait Sith grinned and laid down his controller, "Barret…you've been making that excuse for the last three years. Just admit that I am the king of fighting games."
"Never!" roared Barret scaring his young daughter Marlene so badly she almost fainted. "Let's have another game!"
"MORTAL! HAVE YOU SEEN THE ONE KNOWN AS AERIS?"
Barret recognized the voice of Cid and was about to turn and explain that Aeris was paying one of her "congical visits" to Cloud while he was at work but when he did turn around he screamed at what was before him. Cid was dressed in a black bathrobe and his face was painted white. "I AM THE MIGHTY GOD OF MIDDLE EARTH LORD BABBA FLABBA JABBAWOKIE THE FITH!!! BOW BEFORE ME PUNY MORTALS!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Cait was close to being speechless but was able to mutter, "Oh…my god."
"NOW!" boomed Cid, "I WILL GIVE YOU A TASTE OF THE MAGIC OF LORD BABBA FLABBA JABBA WOKIE THE FITH!" Cid jumped back and with dramatic flair, pulled out a lighter and flicked it on. At this point everyone in the room was now completely speechless.
"NEXT I WILL DISPLAY THE AWESOME POWER OF MY CO-" Cid's next "magic trick" was cut short in that sentence as Stone Cold Steve Austin appeared behind him and drove a sedative into his neck. Shera came in a second later and dragged Cid away by his foot. Austin thanked her and turned to face the group. "Sorry bout that…he escaped again and I've been spending the whole damn day searching for this crazy son of a bitch."
"Haven't you cured him yet?" asked Cait Sith. "After this and yesterday nights Barry Manilow impression, I don't think I can take much more of this!"
Austin nodded and reached for a beer in the mini fridge next to him, "Just one more session and the old bastard'll back to drinkin tea and watching Dukes before ya know it!" He was about to leave when he stopped and listened to the video game then made a complete turn and walked over to Cait Sith and punted him away from the controller much like a football. "I'm playin you Barret," he looked into his eyes and gave him his trademark scowl, "Got a problem with that?"
"Nope,"
Austin finished off his beer and threw it in Cait Sith's direction. "How about you Cait? Got a problem with me takin over the game?"
"Your damn right I do you bald bit-" Cait suddenly realized who he was talking to and stomped away muttering incoherently to himself.
"What about Cid?" queried Barret.
"He can wait," snapped Austin looking over to Marlene, "Hey kid go get me another beer." Marlene nodded, slid off the couch, and ran to the mini fridge returning in seconds with Austin's 11th beer of the day. Without hesitation, Austin chose a character and began a furious DOA2 battle with Barret.
Meanwhile…on the deck of the 7th Heaven…
"Ship's running pretty good isn't it?"
"Huh?" Gabe turned around to see Tifa walking up beside him, brushing back the strand of hair that blew in her face. "Oh hi Tifa…yeah it is working really good. Hard to believe that Cid made something that actually worked well."
"Yeah…not sure why he didn't chose to include weapons but oh well," she shrugged her shoulders. "You can't have everything."
"True enough," replied Gabe who thought he was crazy but could swear Tifa was casually moving closer and closer to him. He was silent for a moment as was Tifa, "I'm sorry…you didn't get Cloud."
"That's okay…I guess it's been time for me to find someone else for a long time." Once again, Gabe noticed Tifa moving half a step closer to him.
"Well, I know a good way to decide when you start looking."
"Oh?"
"Yeah…use me as an extreme for what you're NOT looking for. If you do that that it'll take absolutely no time at all."
"But, what if your what I'm looking for?"
Gabe's heart jumped into his throat but managed to ask why.
"Well…you remember what I said about you in Hawaii?"
"Yeah…"
"I meant it…I couldn't go through with my plan to sleep with you to make Cloud jealous because I liked you…a lot and couldn't bring myself to it."
The two where now both moving closer to one another at a snails pace. "Well…guess now you don't have Cloud to use an excuse for not doing anything about it. Think you can manage?"
Tifa closed her eyes, "I'll manage…" she whispered just as her lips where about to meet Gabes.
Mere inches before the kiss occurred, what felt like an earthquake of some sort that sent them both flying to the other side of the ship and crashing into the floor. Gabe helped Tifa up and looked across to see a ship larger and more sophisticated looking than their own making it's way towards them. Gabe read the sign on the left side of the ship and gulped; "It's Nintendo!"
"Let's get back inside!" exclaimed Tifa grabbing Gabe's arm and pulling him back into the ship. Just as another laser blast sent the two crashing to the floor once again. Tifa yanked Gabe to his feet and the two ran down the narrow hallway and came into the bridge a moment later where the rest of the group could be found.
"What the fuck is going on?!" demanded Bruce Willis to Gabe.
"It's a ship with the Nintendo logo on the side…I have no idea what so ever why they would be attacking us though."
"PERHAPS," yelled the pilot turning to Gabe and Bruce Willis, "Something BAD will HAPPEN!"
Bruce Willis's left eyebrow twitched and he reached over and shot the pilot. "That's the last time he's gonna do that."
"Good shot," observed Red XIII looking down at the body of the pilot.
"Wonderful…" muttered Vincent handing Yuffie her bra and shirt, "Now we have no pilot to fly the ship,"
"Oh quit whining," snapped Tifa shoving the body aside with her left foot and taking the controls, "I'll fly this ship…no problem at all."
One minute and thirty seconds later…
"What was that again?" asked Vincent with heavy sarcasm in his tone standing amongst the wreckage of the ship with Tifa and the others. "No problem at all was it Tifa?"
Tifa scowled, folded her arms, and reached her hand up to brush away a strand of the hair that the wind seemed to want to tear off her head. "Shut the hell up you gothic idgit."
"Idgit?" asked Red XIII looking up, "I'm not sure if that's a word."
"Perhaps we should FOCUS on the huge death ship with the words Nintendo on it, that's about to land right in front of us?" suggested Bruce.
"I agree," said Gabe.
A second later the ship touched down on the ground and lay still, soon a door on the right side slowly fell to the ground and doubled as a ramp. Gabe saw emerging from the ramp was Megaman X, Simon Belmont, King Slender, Pikachu, Donkey Kong, Goemon, and the Lee Brothers.
"This is kinda scary…" observed Red XIII.
"I know," agreed Yuffie. "That guy in wrestling tights looks like Cid with long hair!"
"Another inane observation from Yuffie," sighed Tifa.
"What's that the third today?"
"Fourth."
"Looks like Mario was right…the FF7 heroes came to us," King Slender threw back a strand of his long, blond hair.
"Tis not all of them," observed Simon Belmont giving his whip a light crack against the grass. "And there be two of which we where not told."
"Don't matter," replied Billy Lee throwing a combination of punches in the air. "We're gonna take these jokers down in five minutes."
"Probably less," snickered Jimmy Lee.
"Then…LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH!" Megaman X cried in overdramatic Anime fashion, leaping in the air and unleashing a barrage of ice blasts mixed in with fireballs. Bruce Willis saw that most of them where coming at him and rolled out of the way, pulling two Uzi's out of nowhere and firing on X who simply stood and allowed the bullets to hit him doing little damage. Bruce tossed the Uzi's aside and reached to pull out a 45 but X blasted him into a tree and Bruce did not get up.
"Hey has anyone ever told you…you're breasts really jiggle when you fight?" said Billy throwing a kick at Tifa who ducked and threw a roundhouse kick of her own which Jimmy intervened on.
"I know!" exclaimed Jimmy agreeing with his brother. "They're…purdy."
"You probably won't like this much then," remarked Tifa ducking a wild punch from Jimmy and driving her elbow into Billy's throat who had been in the middle of going for the attack. Tifa gave him an uppercut that turned his neck and jaw into a pile of mushed bones. Tifa then jumped back from another kick from Jimmy and in one swift motion, kicked him in the testicles with such force his throat suddenly grew two lumps in the center, choking Jimmy who fell to the ground and stopped moving. Tifa was in the middle of her victory dance when she felt a leather whip tighten around her throat and pull her back. The whip slithered off her slim neck and she turned around, jumping to her feet but all she saw was the face of Simon Belmont moments before he threw a blackish powder into her face and watched as Tifa hacked out a single weak cough and fell onto her back.
"Tifa!" Gabe threw King Slender's severed head aside and tried to run over to her and stopped when several thousand volts of electricity pounded through his body and when it was done. Pikachu was hopping on top of Gabe's head.
Vincent saw Donkey Kong give Yuffie one final double kick which sent her falling and knew he had to go for broke. He threw his shotgun aside lifted his cape up and in a flash of purple smoke turned into Hellmasker and stalking over to Donkey Kong. His progress was halted when he was jumped by Goemon who began punching at Vincent and screaming what may have been death threats in incoherent Japanese. Vincent was silent for a moment and stared down at Goemon. After a moment he reached over with the arm that was not gripping a chain saw and clutched Goemon's head crushing it like a melon and throwing the body aside then continuing towards Donkey Kong. Vincent raised his chain saw and tried to bring it down on DK but to his frustration, Kong leaped over him and drop kicked him when he touch down. Vincent reached over to grab the chain saw but noticed a shadow descending on his face and looked up quickly enough to see the monstrous, hairy ass of Donkey Kong crush his face. Vincent then heard the sound of someone passing gas and lost consciousness and reverted back to Vincent form.
"Oh god…" muttered Red XIII leaping forward over and over again to avoid the machine gun fire from Megaman X. "I'm the only one left… but I can do this…I can do this…I can-urk!" Red XIII stopped leaping when Simon Belmont wrapped his spiked; leather whip around his throat lifted him several feet in the air. Before Red could hit the ground Megaman X blasted him at the same time Pikachu did and finally Simon returned Red XIII's unmoving form to the earth below.
"They got some of us…" sighed Megaman X. throwing Tifa and Yuffie over his shoulder and starting back to the Nintendo ship with the others who where all holding one or more of the heroes.
"Ah well…They didn't kill anyone we'll need for Gamecube correct?" replied Simon.
"Not really. I guess we could have used to Lee Brothers at some point. Then again, the company was tired of paying their drunk driving and strip club tabs."
The survivors of the Nintendo ship came to the open entrance of their ship and stopped, "So no one important?"
"Nah," Simon smirked and made his way ahead of the others.
At Nintendo Towers several hours later…
Tifa opened an eye and felt himself moving. It felt as if she was being moved against her will. Finally Tifa opened both of her eyes and glanced around, realizing that she was being dragged along a lengthy corridor by two men dressed as ninja's. Ahead of her, Red XIII who was awake was being marched along and Yuffie who was also awake and had leg cuffs and a gag to match her handcuffs. Tifa looked back and saw that everyone else just had the handcuffs She felt a blunt object meet the back of his head and was ordered to stand up and walk along. Tifa scowled but did as she was told despite the throbbing pains that seemed to come from the temples of her head and the base of her neck which wore a thick bruise in the center of it. Looking like a demented bulls eye.
Eventually they came to a large metal door with a small computer built into the wall to the right of the door. It was the kind of door that would intimidate anyone who didn't know what to expect beyond its doors.
One of the ninja's turned to his buddy who was standing next to him; "You want me to see if the boss is ready to see them?"
The other ninja shook his head; "May as well juts go in…he did order us to bring them up."
"True enough…I still hate the way we have to go through that evil ass secretary of his though."
"Yeah…AND walk through this half-mile hallway."
"It's a fucking crime," grumbled the first ninja handing Yuffie to another ninja and walking over to the computer, pulling out a card, typing in a combination of numbers then sliding the card into the slot next to the keyboard and standing back. Within seconds the doors opened and remained that way until everyone had gone in.
"Ack! What're you all doing here?!"
The ninja standing at the head of the group eyed Mario quizzically, "You called us up here…remember?"
"Oh yeah…ahem…bring them…forward." The ninja nodded and stood back, barking out the order to line up the heroes in front of Mario. Gabe looked at Mario who didn't look much different then he was pictured in the video games.
Mario leaned back in his chair and smiled, "This is quite the stroke of-ugh…" Mario paused to grimace. "Luck. Most of the FF7 stars before us without having to leave our part of the country. It's a s-shame that the rest of you couldn't be here."
"What the hell do you want with us?" asked Vincent.
"I've simply decided to chose the cast of Final Fantasy 7 as the first thing to extract revenge on en route to our regaining the top spot in the video game industry. You where the first to cause our downfall and now you will be the first to cause our-ahhh!….rebirth. I have spent the last four years preparing for this. And spent millions to get every star that Nintendo lost from Mega Man to the cast of Street Fighter 2 and it will all be worth it."
"Are you on crack?!" asked Bruce Willis. "Nintendo has been getting its ass kicked because with about 15 notable exceptions the N64 sucked!"
Mario shrugged, "Oh well…doesn't matter now. Get them out of here. I want to witness their execution later. Before we leave."
"Yes boss" the Ninja nodded and with the other ninja's dragged the heroes from the room.
Mario waited until he was sure they where gone then looked under his desk and frowned, "Here's a tip PRINCESS…when other people have entered the room…you can let go and wait until it's safe for me to moan again!"
Princess Peach emerged from under the desk and looked ready to give Mario a solid kick in the place she had just been reacquainting herself with, "Screw you! You fat, bald, ass clown! I've been married to you for 15 years and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you treat me like a three cent slut!"
Mario shrugged his large shoulders and leaned back in his chair putting his hands behind his head, "Hey, I don't treat you like a three cent slut…you do that all by yourself."
Princess's left eye began to bulge out, "I SWEAR to GOD…if things don't improve I will divorce your sorry ass so fast it'll make your fucking head spin!"
"Right…you remember our lawyers right? Those really good ones Howard got before his unfortunate accident at the bull fighting ranch."
"Y-yeah."
"Well if you file for divorce…by the time those lawyers get through with you, YOU'LL be serving a life sentence. So all in all…I don't see divorce as being all that wise. Normally I wouldn't care. Hell, I've got the money. But with the invasion in a mere few hours I don't need to concern myself with unimportant things." Feeling pleased with himself, Mario moved from his original position of leaning back to leaning forward and folding his hands on his 750,000 desk.
Princess's lower lip began to quiver and tears began to swell up in her pretty blue eyes, "Y-you don't even use your Italian accent anymore…the one that made me fall in love with you in the first place."
"I like to save it for promotional things and whenever I feel like letting you ride me…so anything else to bitch about before I get ready to go? I also have an execution to attend tomorrow morning you know."
Princess didn't say another word. She spun around in a fashion that suggested she would have the last laugh someday and stormed out, holding up her long pink dress so as not to fall on her way out.
Mario watched her go then got up and walked over to his bar so he could pour himself a scotch. He filled up the small glass up to the top without bothering to add ice and drank down most of it in a single gulp. He took a deep breath then threw the glass in the air and long before it returned to the ground, Mario lifted up a finger and reduced the glass to fine ashes with a small fireball. He shook his head and moved to return to his desk, "Women…."
In a cell block several stories below Mario's office…
Gabe knew that one of them had to escape and made up his mind it may as well be him, he reached into the hidden pocket of his leather jacket and began pulling out numerous, useless trinkets. He was beginning to grow frustrated before pulling out a pack of gum and after staring at it for a long moment, realized that it was the so called "exploding gum" he had bought in Hawaii a few months ago. He had no idea how it works even though there was only one piece left. The reason being he had given some to Yuffie as a gag and loaned some to Cid to use on Barret and in turn giving some to Barret to use on Cid. "Well…now looks a better time than ever to try this stuff…" Gabe stood up and pulled out a stick of gum, removing the five layers of wrapping and placing it in his mouth, chewing it for a few seconds. After a few seconds of this, Gabe took the gum and wrapped it up in the packaging threw it towards the door and stood back expecting very little from this.
However, to his shock the gum created an explosion large enough to blow the door away. Gabe ran over and stuck his head out the window seeing two men resembling the cronies from the original Double Dragon coming at him. Gabe pulled small hatchet out of his jacket and ducking under both of them driving the hatchet into the forehead of one and kicking the other back as he did. In one swift movement of the hands, he pulled the hatchet out and drove it into the throat of the second as he was getting up. Gabe fell against the wall and looked to his left and right, to his relief it appeared like no one was coming but he knew his time was short. He searched both of the men he had just taken out and to his anger found nothing that even resembled a key. He walked over to one of the doors his cell had been right next to and knocked on softly, hoping whoever was in there would hear him.
"Who's there?" asked a familiar, voice in an unfamiliar loud tone.
"It's me Red…Gabe."
"Gabe? You gotta get me out of here! They're torturing me beyond description!"
"What are they doing?"
"They put me in here…with Yuffie!"
"Those…bastards! Well don't worry…I'm gonna look around for a way to get us out of here so stay calm and don't kill Yuffie…god knows what your cell will smell like if you do."
"Good point…but hurry man! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up!"
"Don't worry," Gabe moved away from the cell and looked down hall to his right and then ran over to the wall and looked beyond it deciding to go this way. He took a deep breath and tried in vain to overcome the intense feeling of anxiousness that was making it nearly impossible to walk and think on the plan of consciousness he needed to be at.
With his heart pounding, Gabe began to walk down the hallway, drawing on his knowledge of ninja movies to walk with ninja like stealth or as best he could manage. He had made it about half way down the hall when he heard what sounded like an evil cackle, but sounded too feminine. Gabe turned around and saw that it was Link standing a few feet in front of his, holding his sword in his left hand, and "Trying to escape huh Mario wouldn't like that."
"Does Mario also like having to listen to that girlish laugh all the time?"
Link's eyes bulged out and his face took on a shade of red, "Hey! At least I'm not dressed like I'm going to reenact Columbine!"
It was now Gabe's turn for his eyes to bulge out and to turn red, "Why don't you say it to my face!"
"I am you dumb ass!"
Gabe was about to retort but stopped, "Well…yeah…I know! I…just meant…to say it closer to my face so I can punch you in the jaw when you say it!"
Link rolled his eyes, "Right."
"Come on Fairy-Boy! I'll knock your fucking teeth in!"
"We'll see about that!" cried Link charging at Gabe who knew it would be hard to dodge Link since there was little space in the hallway. Gabe ducked under Link's first attack and kicked him in the back of the head and reached over to grab Link in a combo of sorts. Before he could however, Link came back around before Gabe could, grabbed the back of his head, and drove his sword into his face. "Damn…that was almost too easy," he mused. Why couldn't he ever prove himself against opponents that where actually a challenge? The though burned in his mind as he pulled the sword out of Gabe's face, then threw a phoenix down on him that dated back to 1994 and was about to drag him away but was stopped by a ninja.
"This the one that escaped?"
Link couldn't get over how stupid these ninja's where. He still wondered, usually after a few drinks at the Nintendo cocktail lounge, why Mario had hired all these morons. "No…I took him out of his cage…let him go, chased him down the hall, caught him, killed him, brought him back to life and now, I'm going to take him back to his cell."
"Good! You know…you Nintendo guys aren't nearly as washed up as us boys say when we're drinking."
"I'm glad to know I have your love and support," replied Link trying really hard not to roll his eyes.
"Love? Ewww man I ain't no fag!"
"Of course not…" Link sighed loudly, "I'm taking him back now."
"Wait, I was sent here to tell you that this guy is to be taken to one of the new cells we just put in."
"The ones with the electric walls?'
"Duh! NOW who's the stupid one?"
At that moment, Link's tolerance of the ignorant, barely aware pond scum ninja's that where his co-workers turned to a need for some kind of retribution for months of headaches at the hands of these ninja's. With his right hand still clutching the back of Gabe's shirt, Link pulled out his sword and drove it into the chest of the ninja. For added retribution, Link sent a fireball through the sword. As Link stood giving a moment to savor the feeling, Ryu from Ninja Gaiden came into the hallway from the room to the left. "Hey, Link what happened here?"
"Oh man! It was fucking terrible! This guy escaped, got a hold of my sword, and killed this ninja! The poor kid…his sacrifice in the name of our company will never be forgotten."
"Right…let's take this guy to jail so we can head down the 90th floor strip club. Samsus is dancing tonight!"
"Kick ass."
Back at the Mayor's Mansion…
"Wow Barret…you look beat!" exclaimed Cait Sith.
"I know…I was in Corel City all day…interviewing for a job."
"What job?"
"I'll tell ya later…I need to go have a shower."
"Wait! Don't use that showe-"
"Cait…I don't even wanna hear it," Barret walked to the door, opened it and stepped in. A moment later, he let out a long girlish scream and ran out. A moment later, Aeris and Cloud stumbled out trying to wrap towels around her body, though it was partially unnecessary for Aeris since she was wearing what looked like a cheerleaders outfit.
Cait watched all the chaos going on around him and leaned back in his moggle wondering how Tifa and the others where doing.
End.
Okay… Thanks for reading and please give me your honest opinions in this I mean the impending Tifa/Gabe realtionship which I have been building to since issue five. Thanks to one of FF.NET's top writers Lotuss Tears for editing and help with rewriting. I have a ton of stuff in the wings so keep your eyes open and one more thing, this and all other sagas to come in my FF7 series will be published under one story for each saga. Therefore all stories in this saga will be published under the same story to comply with FF.NET's chaptering. Thanks for reading and be sure to review.