Final Fantasy 7-#13-Escape from the land of the fat plumber
Part three in the Nintendo Strikes Back Saga
Written by Gabe Ricard
With editing and rewriting assistance by Lotuss Tears
Disclaimer: With the exception of Gabe and the ship 7th Heaven…nothing in this belongs to me so don't sue.
Since this is a 12 issue saga, I decided to step it up a little in writing my ff7 fan fics and knock off a couple parts before moving on to my upcoming Shawshank Redemption and my new Tenchi Muyo! Fan fic. So no real announcements here so sit back and enjoy.
"Son…of a bitch," Gabe muttered to himself for the 11th time. He was feeling angry and frustrated (and after trying to escape again, a little stupid) as he stared at the door to his new cell. To anyone who would see it from afar it would appear as if someone forgot to add a door to the cell. Gabe knew better after trying to walk through and finding out there was an invisible electric barrier where the door should be, giving a rather cruel jolt of pain for anyone who tried to walk through. Gabe knew either one of the other guys or himself would have to escape and get word to Cloud. At that point however, that was a rather unlikely possibility.
He stood up but with the pain in his forehead it really wasn't the best course of action. He walked over to the door and in a single moment of incredible absurdity, raised his hands upward like a demented magician and cried out, "Electric shield be gone!" then stood back and to his shock, heard a distinct, close by sound of something shorting out. With extreme caution, Gabe moved his right hand towards the open doorway and instead of the sharp pain of an electrical jolt, Gabe felt only air. "Oh my god…I-"
"Gabe!" came the sharp, sudden tone of Vincent; "You didn't get the electric shield to disappear by screaming at it! Now hurry the hell up and get out here!" Gabe stepped out of the cell and saw Vincent, Bruce Willis, Tifa, and the others.
"How'd you guys get out?" asked Gabe.
"I think you betta ask me that," came an Italian accent that sounded like Mario's but not as deep. After a moment, Luigi stepped from out of the shadows and stood next to Bruce Willis.
"You?! You're Mario's brother! Why the hell would you help us?"
"I know what Mario is doing is wrong…he's been losing for so long that he came to a point where he decided that THIS was the only way he'd get salvation…rather then simply focus on making decent games. He must be stopped…at all costs, even if it's my own life." Luigi reached into his suspenders and pulled out a card, handing it to Tifa, "This will get you into any part of the building you want. If you can't defeat Mario here then get out of here and do what ya gotta do. I know for a fact that on tha 18th floor is your ship which was recovered and rebuilt. I wish I could do more but-"
"You could kill Mario for us," suggested Yuffie.
Luigi scowled at her, "But I can't. Evil or not I can't and won't kill my own brother. I am still trying to destroy this from the inside and besides, I don't think I have much time anyway."
Yuffie put on her pouty face and turned to Vincent, "It was a good idea wasn't it Vinny?"
Vincent leaned down and kissed her head, "Of course it was Yuffie-bear."
"Can we leave them here?" asked Red making a disgusted face.
"Sadly no…" replied Gabe.
Vincent looked down at Red, "What? All I did was kiss her head."
"I know…it's just that every time I see someone being affectionate to Yuffie it makes my stomach hurt."
"Perhaps you're in love with her and don't even know it." Suggested Vincent.
"Vincent, I swear to god I'm going to tear your fucking face o-"
"Perhaps we should consider getting out of here?" asked Gabe stepping in between the three. No one said anything but looked away.
Tifa shook her head then turned back to Luigi, "Thank you…we wont forget this."
"Sure…can I ask ya a favor before ya go?"
"Of course."
"Think I could get some head? Seeing how I may not live out the day and everything."
Tifa was a little surprised to hear this from the man who had just saved their lives. Having been asked this at least twice a day at the bar she normally would have kicked some pervert ass. She then decided that under the circumstances she would handle this with a little more class, "Sorry…but I can give you the name and number of a girl that would be willing to do it…for free even."
"Really? Who?"
"Aeris Gainsborough…numbers 834 224-"
"Tifa let's go!"
She sighed. This would have been a great way to pay Aeris back for "accidentally" taping over the episode of Walker: Texas Ranger she had recorded the previous night. "Sorry," she apologized to Luigi before turning and running down the hall with the rest.
Meanwhile…
"Well, well…it would appear that we have a traitor in our midst," commented Link watching the TV monitors with Mario.
"I've known about him for several months," replied Mario.
"You have? Really? Why haven't you done anything? He could have destroyed everything we-er you have been working on!"
"Luigi? You must be joking. Luigi foolishly went to Donkey Kong for help when he should have known he wouldn't betray me. Luigi has been able to do very little since he knew he was being watched most of the time." Mario coughed into his glove and cleared his throat. His mouth felt dry and he could really use a drink.
"So what do you want us to do?" asked Link.
"I suppose I can no longer ignore my dear brother so bring him to me. As for the others…do not let them leave this building alive."
"No problem…by the way you look a little angrier then usual. What's wrong?"
"Did you see the Oscars last night?" asked Mario. Glad that someone finally asked him.
"No…heard Steve Martin did a bang-up job presenting though."
"He did…the whole show wasn't too bad really…except one thing. One thing that brought the entire show down and never let it recover."
"What?"
"Julia Roberts…won best actress."
Link's jaw dropped, "Dear god no…"
"I agree…it was horrible. A fool could see that Julia Roberts is a horribly untalented three dollar slut." Mario, for a moment appeared to be lost in a shock that hadn't worn off since the show last night. Finally, he shook his head to pull himself out of it and returned to his stern, angry Italian glare. A glare he regretted never being able to use in his games. "Go get Luigi."
"Sure thing," Link turned and ran out of the office.
Back to the heroes…
"Wow…this place is huge," commented Bruce.
Red XIII, who was pacing beside Bruce and was behind Tifa, Vincent, and Yuffie, nodded. "I agree…it's even larger then the Tower of Nightmares (see: The Tower Of Really Bad Stuff).
"That sounds about right," said Gabe who was walking behind everyone else and looking around in all directions.
"Does anyone have any clue what so ever as to where we are and perhaps, where we should go?" Asked Vincent holding Yuffie's hand the way a boyfriend would if he was walking though someone's property after dark and the girl he was with got scared.
"No," replied everyone in unison.
"Great," replied Vincent.
"Grand."
"Wonderful."
Vincent scowled at Gabe and Red XIII, "This is NOT a Chris Farley movie!"
"It's not?" asked Gabe feigning shock, as if there was such a possibility. The group soon came to a dead end with a door in front of them, to their right and to their left.
"Which way should we go?" asked Tifa.
"How about right?" suggested Yuffie who wanted to be helpful.
"Let's go left then," said Gabe taking the key card from Tifa, reaching out and sliding it into the slot next to the door handle and opening the door.
"I have a feeling my opinion doesn't matter," remarked Yuffie walking in.
"You JUST realized that," said Bruce walking though the door ahead of her.
"Bruce," began Vincent. "I admire your movies and all but you insult my girlfriend one more time and I'm gonna have to take you down."
Bruce stopped in the doorway, turned around, and gave Vincent his trademark glare, "Really?"
Vincent lost his nerve after a good minute and looked away, "Nope…I was just kidding. Pretty stupid joke huh?"
"Horrible," replied Bruce off handily finally walking through the door.
"Funny how Vincent only reacts when celebrities make fun of Yuffie," observed Tifa as they surveyed the new room that they had entered. It was pretty much like the hallway, endless and very modern. Only this time the walls where packed with a variety of weapons that seemed to stretch on for miles.
"Not true," countered Gabe. "He shot me in the leg once for something Yuffie related." Gabe looked down at his leg which still had a brace on it to correct his bad limp and felt pissed off about the whole thing all over again.
"But that was when you raped Yuffie."
"God damn it Vincent! I didn't rape that thieving whore!"
"That's not what she said."
"Cause she's a fucking liar!"
By now, everyone else had begun to get a closer look at the vast array of guns, swords, knives and so on and where ignoring the growing tensions between Vincent, Yuffie and Gabe. Gabe eventually gave up his argument and joined Tifa in looking at the various weaponry.
"This is pretty," exclaimed Tifa picking up a gunblade and studying its features.
Gabe shook his head, "Okay Julia Roberts."
"What?! Just because that talentless bimbo won best actress at the Oscars doesn't mean you have to snap at me."
Gabe took the gunblade from her and began looking at it; "This is a pretty cool. I think I'll use it for any fights we get into," Gabe held the gunblade out at arms length and took a couple practice swings. The weapon made virtually no sound as it cut through the air. The thought of how hard he had fallen in his battle with Link was still in Gabe's mind and he wanted to be ready the next time it happened.
"What do you need a weapon for? You're the author. You could just snap your fingers and Mario would explode."
"True…but I really have no idea what's going to happen next either. I just let these write themselves and keep that fan fic authors power for when I really need it. I'm hoping this eliminates things like foregone conclusions."
"Oh," Tifa who had never written much outside of what she had been forced to write in school only nodded and continued to look at weapons. Gabe was not the only one who chose to borrow some of the weapons. Yuffie grabbed several shurikens, Bruce Willis grabbed what looked like a cross between a machine gun circa 1920's and an AK-47 and to round out the one sided pot luck, Vincent picked up a sleeker more sophisticated version of the shotgun he had been carrying for most of his life.
"We should totally kick ass now with these new weapons," beamed Yuffie admiring the shurikens.
"One would hope," answered Bruce Willis. "So where do we go from here?"
"Well, I'm guessing this hallway of guns goes on for quite a ways so we should just take one of those other doors outside," suggested Red XIII. After a general agreement amongst the group, the six walked back towards the door and opened it. Gabe, who was in front, stopped cold at what he saw upon opening the door. His complexion suddenly turning more pale then usual and his heart began pounding. Covering most of the hallway behind the three doors was a small army of masked ninja's. To make matters worse, the ninja's had a large, varying supply of guns as every ninja was holding at least two guns.
Gabe, hoping he hadn't been seen, threw himself back in and stopped Vincent from going to check why Gabe had leapt back inside. "What the hell is wrong?" asked Bruce.
"There's a few dozen…dozen…dozen ninja's outside."
Bruce's expression at that moment, regained it's original bad ass demeanor. "Armed with guns?"
"Y-yeah. How'd you know?"
"I dealt with this in Die Hard 4: Tokyo Terror. I know exactly what to do."
"Thank god…what?"
"Stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye."
"Great," moaned Yuffie. "We're doomed!" At this moment Yuffie was greatly wishing she could fulfill her secret desire to own at least one Smiths album before she died. She also wished she had gotten to get in at least one more session of Mistress Ivana with Vincent.
"Just kidding," grinned Bruce. He appeared to enjoy scaring people in these type of scenarios. "It's actually pretty standard stuff. Tifa, take a look along the weapons and see if you can find me some smoke bombs or something similar." Tifa said she would and not surprisingly returned a minute later with four smoke bombs reasoning that she didn't know how many Bruce Willis had wanted. Bruce looked them over and assured her that would be enough. By now everyone had figured out what to do except for Yuffie.
"Okay…now we're going to have the most expendable character amongst us to run out ahead of everyone and throw the smoke bombs." On cue, everyone looked at Yuffie and it was obvious a nearly unanimous decision had been reached.
Yuffie was not surprising somewhat opposed to the unspoken decision, "Come on! Can't we draw straws or something?"
"I guess…" replied Gabe.
"Yuffie fans around the world are already going to be rioting so we may as well save a few TV sets," Tifa remarked producing some straws from her shirt.
"You have straws in your shirt?" asked Red XIII looking up at Tifa.
"It's quite surprising what I keep in here."
"Let's just get this over with," muttered Vincent who had a top-secret plan in mind that he would put into action should Yuffie lose out again. Within a couple of minutes everyone in the group had chosen a straw and now looked to see who had gotten the losing straw.
"I don't fucking believe this."
"Wow…" exclaimed Yuffie. "Red lost!"
"How in the hell am I going to throw four smoke bombs?!"
Bruce Willis began to think quickly and came to a solution after recalling something either Cloud or Cait Sith had told him once. "I think I have an idea."
"What?"
"Well…I remember being told once that there is no one in the known world who can…break wind like you can."
"Please tell me you're not proposing what I think you are," pleaded Red who knew well in his mind what he had in mind.
"Eat the smoke bomb and run out there…blazing…they won't know what hit em."
Red opened his mouth to protest but shut it quickly and knew it was futile. Red stuffed the smoke bombs down his throat and waited for a moment. Before long, a deep cavern-like rumble emanated from his stomach and Red knew what came next. He made his way to the door and turned back to the others who where ready to jump out as soon as Red opened fire. "Is this all really necessary? I mean, we could get the same affect if we all just ran out and fired guns as we run for the door."
Bruce looked at Red as if he had just asked why no one likes Regis Philbin, "You just don't understand ANYTHING do you?"
Red felt embarrassed and looked down, he couldn't hold in the gas much longer, "I guess I don't."
"It can't be helped…ready?"
"No."
"That's the spirit! Go!" Bruce threw open the door and Red bolted out, letting out a horrendous barrage of farts that sounded like an AK-47 that had been hooked up to speakers the size of skyscrapers. Gabe was finding a new found respect for Red as he followed everyone else out and quite nearly passed out from the smell which he noticed was actually melting the metal on the wall. He saw everyone dart into the door across from the one they had just left and not knowing where it went followed.
Gabe heard the door shut behind them and looked around, relieved to see that everyone including Red had made it okay.
"That was fairly disturbing," said Vincent.
"Quite…did anyone survive?"
"Nope."
Tifa looked ahead and felt a wave of relief and excitement, "Look an elevator! We can get to the 18th floor now!"
"Not yet!" came a razor sharp tone.
"What now?" asked Vincent out loud turning around with the others to see Ryu who was also known as Ninja Gaiden and Conker the squirrel.
"It's going to take a lot more than intense farting to kill me!" gloated Ryu drawing his ninja sword that appeared to have been crafted thousands of years ago with the finest metals and materials. It was the type of sword a collector would give up his fortune for.
"We'll see…" said Gabe who was eager to give his new gun blade a real test run other than the one he had earlier with the air.
"BARAKACHAK!!!!!" screamed Conker leaping upwards and landing on Tifa's breasts and began punching at her face while bouncing up and down on her bust as if it where a trampoline. Gabe stepped forward to help her then cocked his head back and saw Ryu handling everyone else with little effort and ran over to help.
"BARAKACHAK! BARAKACHAK!" screamed Conker who was still punching Tifa in the face over and over again then suddenly changed course and dove his face down to Tifa's breasts and tearing most of the front of her shirt off.
"You little fucking pervert!!" screamed Tifa finally able to knock Conker off of her but not before he shred the rest of her thin fabric shirt off. She tried in vain to cover her breasts with her hand but realized it was useless and felt incredible anger surging through her. "Let's see how you like this!" cried Tifa who charged at Conker and sent him flying with a Final Heaven.
Vincent, who had just been knocked back by Ryu looked up and saw Conker coming his way. Reacting with killer speed, Vincent spun his new shotgun in his hand, aimed it, and fired once sending several pieces of Conker falling in various places.
Gabe saw Ryu looking over to Vincent while he battled them and was almost certain that Ryu was smiling through his ninja mask. Gabe saw Bruce Willis open up a round from his machine gun/AK-47 cross and saw his chance, he clutched the gun blade in his hand and brought it down in Ryu's direction cutting down on the cloth on his shoulder and into the skin ever so slightly. Ryu showed no sign of pain and swung at Gabe which proved to be a grave mistake as Red XIII nailed him with a Blood Fang when he swung and Yuffie sent him crashing to the cold, steel floor with Bloodfest
Ryu leaned against the wall, looking up and seeing that battle wise they had him. He cursed his moment of carelessness and pulled himself up and at that second, appreciated how much power was in the attacks that Yuffie and Red XIII had just inflicted on him. He forced himself to laugh in an attempt to save face, "Not bad…Mario may have underestimated you all…I can promise you that we will meet again." Ryu raised his arm in the air and when he brought it down, there was a loud popping sound and smoke began to rise up all around him. The smoke faded away almost instantly and when it had, Ryu was gone and with the exception of the blood on the floor, you could never have known he was here.
"Let's get the hell out of here before-" Bruce's words where cut short when the lights went out and where replaced with a flashing red light that blended in well with the darkness. Everyone heard the sound of footsteps and knew their time to escape had mere seconds left in it. They ran into the elevator and stepped in, realizing that it was a glass elevator and not paying more than a moments notice and hitting the button for the 18th floor just as a second small army of ninjas came into view.
"We made it!" exclaimed Tifa throwing her arms around Gabe and taking him completely by surprise. Vincent and Yuffie took a similar cue and began making out like rabid dogs.
At that moment Gabe thought he would finally get to finish what he had started the other day when he heard the sound of a helicopter and knew the sound of it was too close for comfort. The potential kiss was once again interrupted and everyone looked and saw a helicopter with the words Nintendo on the side.
"Duck!" snapped Bruce Willis throwing himself down.
Yuffie looked excited, "Duck? Where? All I see is some stupid-ow!" Yuffie yelped as Vincent grabbed her and pulled her to the ground with him. Sure enough, the helicopter opened fire and destroyed most of the glass elevator in less then a round. Bruce aimed his gun and began firing. Unfortunately, the firing created a small explosion on the front of the elevator as it continued to slowly move up and Bruce as well as Tifa flew forward and disappeared from the elevator.
Horrible panic infested everyone as Gabe crawled over to the edge while Vincent and Red XIII held off the helicopter. Gabe peered over the edge and saw Bruce hanging on to the edge with as little of his hand as possible. It was obvious to see that his grip was growing weaker by the second as below him was Tifa hanging onto his foot for dear life. The helicopter continued to fire and amazingly missed Bruce and Tifa. Gabe grabbed Bruce's hand but knew he could do little else as the gunfire was making it impossible to do anything.
Suddenly, the gunfire stopped. Bruce, Gabe and, Tifa turned and saw that the gun had been frozen thanks to an ICE3 spell from Red XIII and three shots from Vincent sent the copter bursting into flames and plummeting to the ground below. As Gabe with the help of Vincent pulled Tifa and Bruce up, the elevator came to an abrupt stop and a cheery, robotic voice informed them that the elevator had reached the 18th floor and told them to have a nice day.
Everyone not affording time to get their bearings, ran off of the elevator and stopped dead in their tracks as they saw that they where in some sort of hangar. "So, where the hell is our ship?" asked Vincent.
"I dunno…come on we don't have a hell of a lot of time so let's hurry up and look," Bruce pulled out a 9 mm and ran down ahead of everyone else. He knew there would be a few guards up here and was ready to take them down without hesitation. Sure enough, he saw two men who had probably had a lot of roles in side scrolling fighting games and shot them both once each. He saw another one coming towards him and did the same.
Tifa, Red, and Gabe found their ship a couple minutes later. Amazingly, it had been completely repaired and looked even better then when Cid had built it. It even had two machine guns on the left and right side of it. Bruce, Vincent, and Yuffie joined them and together, they got on board their ship but not before Vincent gunned down three more men. The six ran to the bridge where they saw to their surprise a man dressed in a mechanics suit standing near the controls with a wrench.
Everyone knew this could work to their advantage and Gabe was the first to act. Drawing his gun blade and pointing it at the mechanic. "You know how to fly this well?"
"I-I-I guess," stammered the mechanic who two minutes ago had decided to have cheeseburgers for lunch while he made some last minute adjustments to this ship that was brought in yesterday.
Bruce joined Gabe and pointed the 9mm at the mechanic. Although it was not necessary, Vincent did the same, "Then you need to take those controls and get us out of here or you're going to become the worlds ugliest piece of Swiss cheese.
"G-Gotcha," the mechanic was a good two steps away from having a bowel accident of some sort but grabbed the controls and reached down with his right hand and switched the controls on. Before anyone realized it the ship was ready to go and began to fly towards the wall which had a closed door outlined in it. "You don't expect me to fly through this wall do you?!"
"That's part of the idea," replied Tifa. Gabe looked out the window and saw several ninjas, flying turtles, thugs and several armored pigs with swords running in vain towards them and then turned back to the front window to see the ship picking up speed and drawing closer and closer to the wall.
"I don't know if this ship can take this!" cried the mechanic.
"Just fly the damn thing!" snapped Bruce Willis. The mechanic gulped loudly and pushed the controls forward adding more speed to the ship which introduced itself to the wall and went right through it and reemerged on the outside of the skyscraper making it's course as far away from Nintendo tower as humanly possible.
Meanwhile…
Mario watched the ship blasting away from Nintendo towers and felt his heart sink. He berated himself for not questioning them sooner and was now in the throes of self-pity when Dr. Wily made his way into the office smiling an eerie grin. Mario looked at him and felt incredibly angry, "And why the fuck are you so god damn happy?"
"Ah…that's right…I forgot to tell you. When we salvaged the wreckage of their ship we where able to save information from it…including where the ship has been since it was first activated."
A new hope engulfed Mario, "You mean…we know where they came from?"
"That's correct."
"Fantastic! The all out attack can proceed as planned but first…send up my dear brother."
"Yes sir," Dr. Wily turned and walked out slowly. Mario stood up, formed a fireball in his right hand, and in one swift motion, threw it at one of the dozens of TV monitors. As the smoke rose from the destroyed monitor, Mario threw back his head and laughed.
Back at the Mayors Mansion in New Nibelheim…
"Man…that was a bad day," groaned Cloud out loud walking into the rec. room where he was greeted by Aeris who gave him a wifely kiss. She sat down with him on the couch where Cid was playing Unreal Tournament against Barret and Stone Cold Steve Austin while Shera watched from a chair with Marlene.
Cait Sith was sitting at the far end of the couch with a guitar in his hands, "Hey Cloud!" he greeted with an annoyingly high voice. "Guess what I've decided to become?"
"Something that involves you leaving?"
"Ha ha Cloud…good one! No really, what I've decided to be is a parody singer!"
"A parody singer."
"Yeah! Just like Weird Al! I've even written my first song wanna hear it?"
"No not really."
"Okay…if you insist…here goes to the tune of the Oscar Myer Wiener song…"
Oh I was I had a giant penissss
One preferably the size of a tree-e-eeee
Cause if I had a giant penissss
Everyone would be in love with meeeeeeeeeeeee
"So what do ya think?" Cloud opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Cait. "I know it's amazing! I smell a future career!"
"I smell something all right," muttered Barret.
"I better go to my room and write some more! As soon as I get a few more songs down." Cait leapt off the couch and hopped away, giggling madly at all the future success his song writing career was sure to give him.
"The sad thing is," said Cloud turning to Aeris once Cait had left. "This is probably the highlight of my day."
"That is pretty sad."
Cloud sighed then turned to the screen where Cid had just been gunned down by Austin. "So Cid you're back to normal at last?"
"Yep…" he turned to Steve Austin. "And it took you damn long enough!"
Austin looked over at Cid, then rose to his feet and picked up Cid by his goggles, "I think someone needs a lesson in appreciation."
"Nah."
"Only take a minute," Austin dragged Cid away and after a minute the sound of tables and glass breaking and heavy punches could be heard. As well as the screams and desperate pleas from Cid to not get his ass kicked.
Aeris grabbed Clouds arm and looked down at his watch; "I have to go check something. I'll be back in a minute."
Cloud who had been looking forward to some time alone with Aeris muttered and sighed for a second time, "Okay honey."
After Aeris left Barret looked up, "You wanna get yo ass whooped?"
"Sure," Cloud sat down on the floor, picked up the controller, and began chasing down Barret with evil intentions.
End.
Well that's it for part three. I ended up using myself a little more than I would have liked but ah well for those who can't stand myself in the series, (all 5.99 billion of you) will be glad to know my character won't be in the next part as much which should be up in a couple weeks time so keep and eye open and as always thanks for reading and thanks to Lotuss Tears for his great editing work.