Final Fantasy 7-#14-Let the battle of incredible absurdity for the sake of the world begin!
Part Four in the Nintendo Strikes Back Saga
Written by Gabe Ricard
Disclaimer: With the exception of Gabe and the ship the 7th Heaven I don't own anything here so don't sue me.
"What the hell do you want Mario?" asked Luigi after being shoved into Mario's office by Link and Diddy Kong.
"Luigi…my dear brother, I wanted to just say goodbye before we go. Still don't want to come with us?"
"You know damn well the answer to that," replied Luigi coldly.
Mario moved closer to Luigi and without saying another word, created a small fireball and plunged it into Luigi's heart. Mario watched Luigi's eyes pop open in shock then began to fade rapidly, he would be dead within seconds. He lived long enough to hear his brother Mario lean down and whisper, "You know how much I hate long good byes so I thought I'd make it short and sweet." Mario stood back and let Luigi fall to the ground then motioned for Link and Diddy, "Take him down to the lab and freeze him. Who knows? Maybe there'll be some use for him someday." Link nodded and dragged the body along with Diddy. Mario watched them go then began to get ready to leave.
The next day at the Mayors Mansion in New Nibelheim
"You're a fucking sellout."
Stone Cold Steve Austin cast an annoyed glare at Cid and Cait Sith, "It's been almost three months since Wrestlemania and I'd really like to get on with my career. You didn't even find out about it until yesterday."
"That's because the only loser around here who watches wrestling is Gabe. So Steve, how could you sell your soul like that just to get the WWF World Title?"
Austin stood up and grabbed Cid by the back of the neck, "I think it's time we had a talk with Mr. Toilet on why bothering Stone Cold can be hazardous to your health." Cid tried to choke out a desperate explanation of some kind by was dragged away by Austin.
"What about me?" asked Cait in a moment of absent thinking.
"I'll think of something for you if you're stupid enough to be here when I get back," replied Austin before disappearing from the Rec. room where they had been playing video games. They where actually the only ones in the entire mansion as Cloud was at work, Aeris was visiting a friend in Midgar, Barret was doing something similar in North Corel. Marlene was in school and Shera was simply no where to be found.
"Son of a bitch," mumbled Cait hopping off the couch and onto his moggle, "Freeloading bastard won't order me around for long…" Cait hopped out of the room and still made a personal promise to himself. The promise being to extract revenge on the Texas Rattlesnake at a later date and time.
Meanwhile…on the airship the 7th Heaven…
"Do you two have to make out every seven damn seconds?" asked Bruce Willis who's patience with the constant petting of Vincent and Yuffie.
Vincent took a break from Yuffie and stared coldly at Bruce, "Do you have to kill someone every seven damn seconds?"
Bruce pulled out his Nine Millimeter and aimed it at Vincent, "Why yes I do…and wouldn't you know it's five…six…"
"Will you two just cut it out," roared Red XIII stepping onto the bridge. Red wasn't one for yelling but felt it was necessary in the situation and he wanted a place under the sun to sleep without actually going outside and the bridge was the best place to do it.
Bruce retracted the gun and it seemingly disappeared from view, "Where's Tifa? I know she was pretty glad to get a shirt on when we got back last night,""
"Yeah…it was pretty cool to watch Tifa run around with no top on for what? the couple hours between our escape from Nintendo Tower and the battle with those guys from Nintendo."
"She almost castrated Vincent when we go on board when he asked her if there was a draft."
"That was pretty damn funny."
"The hell it was," Vincent replied under his breath.
"So where is she?"
"I dunno…probably going outside."
"Or to have sex with Gabe."
Everyone stopped and looked back at Yuffie. "Yuffie," began Bruce, "Shut the hell up."
"Sorry…" Yuffie lowered her head.
Over in Gabe's room…
"Man…I don't think I'll ever get tired of Mystery Science Theater 3000," mumbled Gabe laughing. His viewing of Manos: The hands of fate was interrupted with a knock on his door. He groaned and hit pause on his TV then sat up, "It's open." The door opened and before Gabe could say a word, Tifa walked in and kissed Gabe for several long seconds then broke the kiss. "Ummmmm…"
"I just thought if there was any buildup something would go wrong," explained Tifa.
"G-g-good th-thinking," muttered Gabe.
Tifa sat down on the bed and ever so slightly snuggled up to Gabe, "So what are you watching?"
Back to the bridge…
"So what do we do at this point?" asked Red XIII.
Bruce Willis shrugged, "I guess we're heading back to that town we came from,"
"Nibelheim," reminded Vincent.
"Yeah…we're gonna go there and warn Cloud that Nintendo is on it's way. Maybe we can get some people together and have a fighting chance."
"Are you gonna kill me yet?" asked the pilot who had been abducted from Nintendo Towers based on the unluckiness of happening to be on board when Bruce Willis, Tifa and the others got on board.
"In the spirit of Star Trek V, no," replied Vincent.
"Undoubtedly, the worst Trek ever," agreed Bruce.
"You watch Star Trek?" asked Vincent.
Bruce's head suddenly jerked up with sudden realization of what he had just said, "Me? Hell no…you saw how much joy I got out of watching the Enterprise-A blow up when those freaks beamed us up onto their ship."
"You knew which Enterprise it was?" asked Vincent.
Bruce was silent for a moment before storming away, Red looked up from his spot in the corner, "You're a Trekkie?"
"Yeah…"
"Sure didn't act like it."
"You know I'm good at suppressing any and all of my emotions."
"We didn't think you could do that anymore."
"Really?"
"Especially when you drink. Then it's just funny."
"Hmm," Vincent leaned back and after a moment of staring out the window nearest to him resumed his make out marathon with Yuffie.
Several minutes later…
"Hey!" cried Yuffie banging on the door of Gabe's room. "Get your clothes on and come out here! There's another ship outside!"
Gabe and Tifa both came out a minute, "We weren't having sex Yuffie you moron. We where watching TV."
"Sureeeee," replied Yuffie in an intended obnoxious tone before bolting down the hallway back towards the bridge.
"I say we throw her over the edge," voted Gabe following Yuffie slowly alongside Tifa.
"Nah. So what was Yuffie babbling about?"
"Something about a ship."
"Think its Nintendo?"
"If it is, they followed us AWFULY quick." Neither said another word as they came to the bridge and nearly fell over at what they saw.
Once again…on the bridge…
"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" cried Yuffie.
"It looks like a spaceship," replied Bruce Willis. "But it's…huge."
"It's the…Yggdrasil from Xenogears! What the hell is it doing here?"
"Should we go on board?" asked Vincent.
"What? The whole ship? Cause we're about 1/10th the size of that thing."
"Sounds about right…hey they're opening up. Should we go in?"
"What the hell…we've had pretty good luck with ships thus far."
"No we didn't...both encounters resulted in death and destruction."
"Shut up Red."
"Too late now…" remarked Tifa as the now tiny 7TH Heaven was seemingly swallowed whole by the massive Yggdrasil IV.
Several minutes later…
"So, it IS the ship from Xenogears!" exclaimed Gabe. Xenogears was one of his all time favorite games and to just be on the ship from it was quite a thrill.
"That's right," replied Fei reaching out and shaking everyone's hands. Behind him where most of the heroes from the game, Fei's wife Elly, Citan, Bart and, Billy
"So, why did you guys pick us up?"
"It's quite simple," began Citan before Bart interrupted him.
"Great, we're only gonna be here damn near forever."
"Young master," replied Citan with a heavy sigh, "I don't appreciate that."
"Really SHITAN?"
"I told you that's not my name…"
"That's your name in the Japanese version right?"
"Well yes but-"
"I rest my case," smirked Bart folding his arms.
"ANYWAY," said Fei loudly. "We knew where you where coming from. We where on out way to attack Nintendo as a matter of fact," Fei saw the sudden grave expression on the faces of Gabe and the others and sighed, "They're on their way aren't they?"
"Yep."
"Crap…we're screwed."
"Why? Haven't you been able to recruit anyone?"
"Yep…they're upstairs at the bar. I warn you though it's not terribly impressive." The large group began to make it's way to the bar and where soon there. Bruce and the others looked at who they had recruited and where speechless. Before them was Jay and Silent Bob, the two clerks Dante and Randal and Norm Mcdonald as well as the rest of the Xenogears cast, Maria, Rico, Emeralda and Chu-Chu. Norm was demanding to know where the prostitutes were.
Fei sighed, he seemed to be doing this a lot, "We picked up Jay and Silent Bob who we where TOLD-" he stopped to shoot Bart a glare. "They where great prophets and we found them outside the Quick Stop and while we picked them out these two," he pointed to Dante and Randal, "Followed them on."
"More like dragged us on," muttered Dante folding his arms and shaking his head.
"We gots you away from your stressful job. You should thank us," grinned Jay.
"More like push you outside the side of the ship the first we get," replied Randal who also didn't seem to agree with the two stoners.
Fei moved on with the tour and came to Norm, "Him? We found him passed out in the bar…we're not sure how he got on…"
Norm popped some aspirin but strangely brightened when he saw Tifa, "At last!" he exclaimed, "A prostitute!" he walked over to Tifa, "Are you ready for an evening of Norm and dirty sex?"
Tifa took a step back, "First off, I'm not a prostitute."
Norm took another step forward, "Sure you're not!"
Tifa took a second step back, "SECOND OF ALL, " It's daytime. I could give you the number of a free prositi-"
"Tifa, that's not funny anymore," said Gabe.
"So this is it?" said Red XIII, "This as well Cloud and the others is the army we're sending into battle with one of the most powerful video game empires in the known universe."
"Just about."
"Cool."
"What about the other PSX heroes? Like Lara Croft, Sweet Tooth, Crash Bandicoot and the others?" asked Vincent.
"Would you believe they're ALL on vacation?" replied Rico.
Fei turned around and looked at Rico as if he had just farted in church, "Rico…did I give you permission to speak?"
"No…"
"THEN SHUT UP!!"
"Sorry sir," replied Rico lowering his head.
Gabe shook his head, "I thought Rico was your friend."
"He is," answered Maria. "Last weekend Fei and Rico had a drinking contest in which the loser had to be the personal butler of the winner for a month." Gabe simply nodded.
"So when are we getting into Nibelheim?" asked Yuffie.
"Soon," responded Fei. "Verrrry so-"
"We're here," announced Sigurd walking into the room. He turned to Bart, "And Margie would like to talk to you before you go."
"Sure thing," replied Bart heading off.
"The old ball n chain wants a moment alone eh?" asked Billy.
Bart swung around and stared Billy, "I swear to god Billy, if you say that ONE MORE GOD DAMN TIME, I'M GOING TO FEED YOU A BARTWEISER RECTALLY!!"
Billy put his hand on the gun at his right side, "Try it Cyclops."
"Bart just go!" snapped Fei. Bart appeared to be ready to say something in response to Billy's "Cyclops" comment but instead simply walked out.
"Can you show us where to go?" asked Fei turning to Tifa.
"Sure."
"Emeralda, leave me alone!" cried Elly trying to get away from Emeralda who had been following Elly around for the better part of the entire day.
"Did you and Elly really adopt her after you got married?" asked Gabe as everyone began to walk off of the Yggdrasil.
"Yes…and it was one of the greatest mistakes of my life. She follows around Elly constantly and refers to her as 'mom'"
"Well you DID adopt her."
"It's still creepy."
"I guess."
Meanwhile…in the office of Cloud Stryfe…
"Ah…what a day," Cloud leaned back in his seat and smiled, "It had been an amazingly quiet day and with a few short hours left to go he was looking forward to when he could go home and relax. He really loved this job and felt comfortable in the knowledge that nothing will ever happen.
"Mr. Mayor!" barked a distinctly feminine voice on Cloud's intercom. "There's gotta be like twenty people waiting for you out here!"
Cloud cast an annoyed glance at the intercom, his bliss was now in danger of being squashed. He would do everything he could to get rid of whoever these twenty people were. He pressed the small lone button on the intercom, "Send em in." The moment these words left his lips, the two doors burst open and everyone from the Yggdrasil including Norm, Jay, Silent Bob, Dante and Randal.
"What the hell?! Tifa? Gabe? Bruce? Who're these guys?" he motioned to Fei and the others.
"It's a great story," replied Gabe. "Care to tell it Red?"
"What? why me?"
"Because you're the master story teller!"
"No I'm not."
"Are too."
"Are not."
"Are too."
"WILL SOMEONE JUST TELL THE FUCKING STORY!!!!!!!"
Elsewhere…on the main Nintendo ship…
"Well?" asked Mario. "Are we near?"
"Yes," replied Glass Joe, "We'll be there in minutes."
"Good…" A moment later, Dr. Wily stepped next to Mario, he had a rather excited look on his face. Mario noticed the look and shot him a disgusted scowl, "What the hell are you so happy about?"
"I've got an invention in the works…something that could virtually assure our victory!"
"And that would be?"
"I'd like to wait until it's done before I unveil it. Also, I recommend you not kill any of the ff7 heroes…not yet anyway for my invention will allow you to toy with them and everyone we take down thereafter in a way you never thought possible."
"And why shouldn't I?"
"It's a surprise. You'll have to trust me."
"A surprise/?"
"A surprise."
"A surprise you haven't finished yet."
"Yeah."
"Then what the hell are you doing on the bridge if it's not even done yet?"
"I got lonely," muttered Wily staring at the ground. "I'm the only one in that little lab built onto the ship."
"You're lonely?"
"Very."
"Get back in the damn lab and finish whatever the hell you're working on."
"Okay…" with his head still aimed at the ground, Dr. Wily walked off of the bridge.
Mario shook his head and resumed his original activity of looking out the window, "Soon…very soon…Nintendo's vengeance will begin."
Back in New Nibelheim…
"What the hells going on?" asked Barret arriving in the city and seeing everyone outside Clouds building on their way back to the mansion.
"Barret! Thank god! We're gonna need all the help we can get!" exclaimed Cloud
"What the hell's going on?" asked Barret with serious confusion in his voice.
"Let's all get to the mansion, we'll run the details by you there.
Moving on…to the mansion!
"Wow…that's all pretty fucked up," muttered Barret scratching his head with his gun-arm.
"I know-"
"Cloud! I-I need to speak with you," burst in Aeris who stopped at the large crowd of heroes in Clouds home office.
"Aeris, you're back, look something's going on and-"
"Cloud, there's something I need to tell you," interrupted Aeris.
Cloud rolled his eyes, this was not the best time for Aeris to start flaking out, "What is it?"
"Well-"
Aeris's story was brought to a screeching hault with a tremendous explosion from outside.
"Look's like the party's getting started," remarked Fei.
"That phrase isn't TOO overused," muttered Randal.
"I'd like it duly noted that I wasn't supposed to be here today," remarked Randal.
"Duly noted…for the 7th time."
"Should we mention there's a new clerks fan fic in the Kevin Smith section called Clerk Rats?" asked Randal.
"We should," agreed Dante, "People should read it. They need to know it's in the Kevin Smith section here at-"
"WILL YOU TWO STOP PLUGGING YOUR DAMN FAN FIC AND GET OUTSIDE WITH THE REST OF US!" yelled Elly running out.
"Are we really suited for heavy combat?" asked Dante slowly following. Randal shrugged.
Outside…where the battle of the century (thank you new millennium) is about to take place…
"Man…that thing is almost as big as the Yggdrasil," observed Fei as the large group saw the main Nintendo ship hover over the thriving town like a dark rain cloud. There were also two much smaller ships to the right and left that appeared to be very similar in design. The large ship then opened up and about two dozen pods about the size of school buses fell from it and began crashing into buildings and the ground. Various Nintendo characters began to emerge from it and surrounded Fei, Cloud and all of the others. From above, another pod, this one much sleeker looking seemed to maneuver it's way to the ground, happening to land right in front of the heroes. The pod opened and Mario made his way out, bearing a look on his face that suggested victory had already made it's way to Nintendo.
"Well, it seems that you managed to pick up a few people on the way," observed Mario.
"Wait, wait, wait," interrupted Cloud. "I thought you where Italian."
Mario who did not like the first of his many pre-victory speeches to be interrupted with inane questions rolled his eyes, "I AM Italian you moron…I just don't use the accent."
"Oh," was all Cloud said in reply.
"Anyway, even with these…well I don't know who they are"
"We're the guys you attacked a few days ago you moron," snapped Fei.
He waved his hand towards the Xenogears cast, Norm Mcdonald and the View Askew character, "but still…the end is near and Nintendo's re-"
"Can we please fight? I don't think anyone really wants to hear this. Especially me and the rest of us who where captured by your incompetent staff," snapped Gabe pulling out his gun blade.
Mario shrugged, "Whatever. Well, here goes." Mario raised his right hand into the air and upon snapping it, everyone attacked. Link went straight for Gabe and Cloud and was fighting them both off with amazing ability. Goemon was bouncing around dodging Billy's repeated attempts to shoot him, Rico began trading punches with Bald Bull, Fei nearly took off Mega Man's head with a combination of kicks then attacked Sabin one of the many characters that had secretly aligned themselves with Nintendo. Ryu drew his ninja sword and began attacking Yuffie, causing Vincent to come to her aid and get his mutant arm sliced clean off.
Zangief attacked Tifa who attempted to fell Zangief with a kick to the nuts. Zangief merely looked at her and laughed, "FOOLISH GIRL! IN RUSSIA OUR TESTICLES ARE MADE OF PURE STEEL!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" Tifa shrugged and unleashed Final Heaven on him. Twice. The second time Zangief crashed to the ground and lay unmoving. Tifa felt better then she had ever felt in a fight this feeling soon faded as she got into a cat fight with Samsus who had lost most of her armor.
"I'm gonna sever your little fucking head!" cried Cloud taking another swing at Link and not only missing but getting kicked in the jaw by the girl from Mischief Makers as he missed. Gabe managed to punt her into a building then swinging at Link who blocked the attack then jumped away from another attack by Cloud. Nearby Stone Cold was stomping the life out of some nameless thug, Jay and Silent Bob where amazingly holding their own against a small heard of Yoshi's, Dante and Randal where no where to be found and Norm was stomping the life out of Fido Dido.
Mario watched the fight rage on from the building he was standing on. At this rate, they would most likely take them down within the hour. That was never really the plan, to simply wipe them out in one cleans swipe would be far too easy. Still, he was leaning more towards that since he had a lot of grown to cover. Then he remembered Wily babbling about an invention of some kind…and Wily was not one to babble…unless it was really important. In the end, the notion of having something that could change the face of all his plans for the better was too much to resist. For now, he would call his troops off and simply keep the others in the knowledge that this was only a small piece of the power they had been building up…and it indeed was. Mario raised his hand and created one of his many fireballs, one of the largest he had ever produced and hurled it at the ground. It caused a tremendous explosion and actually got everyone to stop fighting. Mario muttered a command into the sleeve of his arm and then turned to face the group below him, "Nintendo! Let's go. This is not the time when we wipe them out." At that moment, a ship came down and all of the remaining Nintendo people which was all but three got on while small lasers held back any undesirables. Mario waited until the ship rose to his level and jumped on, smiling cruelly as the ship disappeared into the belly of the main Nintendo ship which instead remained where it was.
A long, tense silence came over everyone who simply stared up at the ship for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Cloud broke the silence by suggesting they head indoors and plan their next move. Everyone in a slow manner, agreed and made their way towards the mansion.
A few hours later…
"It's done! It's done!" exclaimed Dr. Wily rushing into Mario's personal quarters.
"This invention of yours?" asked Mario. "Let's see it then."
"All right…when we analyzed the FF7 characters we caught I made an interesting discovery. The true power lies in Gabe Ricard who seems to poesess the fan fic authors power…the ultimate power."
Mario scoffed, "If he's so powerful why doesn't he just destroy us all."
"Very few ever actually use it to it's fullest extent…Mr. Ricard hardly uses it at all."
"So what does this matter? This seems more like bad news to me…"
"Oh but its not I assure you. You see, I have managed to figure out how to simply take this power and harness it into a single and simple object."
"What object?"
Wily held up a what looked like a rubrics cube. Except it was sleek black, "This, contains Mr.Ricard finger prints and when activated will drain him of the power?"
Mario was genuinely impressed, "How did you make that thing?"
"Sorry. A true mastermind never reveals his secrets. With this, you'll be the most powerful man in the universe!"
At that moment based on the information Mario had read, an idea came to him. A brilliant idea. "It wont be given to me. Not yet anyway."
"What?! then who?"
"This time it's my turn to say it's a surprise. Get someone to bring me a phone book."
"A phone book?"
"Did I stutter?"
"No…I'll get it."
"And Wily?"
"Yes?"
"I have a few ideas for some modifications…something to insure my idea won't backfire."
"Anything."
"Excellent," Mario took a moment to laugh evil like before going into the modifications he had in mind.
End.
That's it for part four. There's still a good ways to go, but I plan to work solely on this (With the small exception of a project I have in mind) over the summer so hopefully I'll be able to get through this little epic of mine. Thanks for reading and as always I welcome any and all comments.