Final Fantasy 7-#15
Revenge is a dish best served-bah you know the rest
Part five in the Nintendo strikes back saga…
Written by Gabe Ricard
Disclaimer: I own nothing but Gabe…so go away.
Here it is…part five already. I'm trying to buckle down and get through this little saga as it's still got at least six or seven stories left to go. These little intros are pretty short so sit back and enjoy.
"Do you guys ever hang out anywhere else?" asked Billy. "You live in a mansion!" Billy was sitting on a second couch with numerous others as Avalanche, Xenogears cast, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Norm Mcdonald, Bruce Willis, Dante Hicks and Randal Graves as well as Jay and his hetero life mate Silent Bob.
Cloud turned back and looked at Billy quizzically, "We do have rooms we sleep in." Billy said nothing and nodded.
"What are gonna do?" questioned Fei for the 4th time that nigh in the midst of choking down his 11th cheeseburger a number that didn't impress neither Barret or Rico (who still had to commend Fei on it anyway).
"That's what I wanna know," agreed Cid. "We got a ship the size of two Midgars hanging above us with a bunch of guys on board bent on killing us. We can't hide here forever. That's for damn sure."
"What an amazing observation!" exclaimed Bart with blatant sarcasm. "Does six thousand years of smoking bring about this incredible insight?"
Cid smiled as he felt a confrontation coming on and stood up to go eyes to eye with Bart who also rose sensing an oncoming fight, "I could kick your ass so hard you'd be pulling butt hairs out of your teeth for the rest of your life."
Cloud rolled his eyes, "Will you two just quit? I think I speak for everyone here when I say that these fights are getting a little on the annoying side."
"Yeah…nothing more repetitive then the same two people fighting over and over again," said Aeris.
"Brilliant insight flower slut," said Tifa walking into the room
"Eat shit and die mega-tits!" retorted Aeris.
"At least I have tits,"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"THAT'S IT!" Tifa was about to spear Aeris but Gabe snared her and dragged her out of the room.
At that point Norm who had had little success scoring with any of the girls in either groups walked over to try and help with the peace process. "Yeah…come on you guys. Why don't we-"
Both Bart and Cid who where not Norm fans collectively shoved him to the ground, "Back off," they both snapped in unison. The two returned to their confrontation.
"I see only one way to settle this," said Bart squinting.
"That is?"
"A drinking contest."
"Sounds good. Hope your ready to lose."
"I should be asking you that," replied Bart.
Stone Cold by now had risen to his feet and stepped between the two, like Norm and was confident that no one would try to do to him what they had done to Norm, "I'll ref…besides I haven't had a beer in damn near forever."
"You had a beer twenty minutes ago," interjected Aeris.
"To me that's damn near forever." He returned to Bart and Cid, "kitchen…let's go." The two nodded and left the room with the Texas Rattlesnake.
"So who's your pick?" asked Maria to no one in particular. The majority of the votes went to Bart who's drinking was legendary in any part of the world he visited.
"You're going with Cid?" asked Citan to Barret.
Barret who had engaged in several beer and shot contests (the shot contests being of whatever type of hard liquor happened to dominate the mansion at the moment in time. Usually Vodka.) Knew that Cid had an amazing tolerance level for a rapid aging man and that Bart's biggest mistake would be to underestimate him.
"Fuck! I can't believe I lost!" Bruce threw the Playstation 2 controller to the ground and stared at Cait Sith who had just bested Bruce for the 2nd time at DOA 2 which was the game of the month.
"Oh believe it my friend," grinned Cait. "Who's next?" no one volunteered. Cait made a cat-like whining sound, "No one?" once again he was ignored. "Well what about Gabe? Where's he? And where's Tifa?" Cait had not seen where Tifa and Gabe had gone.
"Having sex with Tifa," replied Yuffie.
"Yuffie…" began Cloud, "shut up." He laughed at the very idea and took a sip of his drink.
"I'm serious! They're a couple now!"
"I'm afraid Yuffie is correct," said Vincent.
Cloud upon hearing Yuffie's statement echoed from someone he knew never lied to him about things like this nearly spat the contents of his drink out, this was news to him and to anyone else who had not been on the 7th heaven with them. "Since when?!"
"A couple of days ago."
"Wow…" muttered Barret, "Who would have thought?"
Aeris noticed Cait attempting to sneak off with a video camera in hand but reached out and yanked him towards her, "No you don't!"
"Come on Vinny," said Yuffie standing up. "Let's go someplace where WE can be alone."
"Sounds good," agreed Vincent taking Yuffie by the hand and pretty much leading her out with sinister intentions no doubt running through his mind.
"I still can't believe…Gabe…and Tifa," murmured Cloud.
"Yeah…pretty strange," agreed Fei. "Video games are getting a little on the boring side. Any movies?"
"Sure," replied Cloud.
"Let's watch-"
Every member of Avalanche cut Cait off at the past, "No porn Cait." Cait muttered a string of obscenities and didn't say a word for the remainder of the night. Content to sulk the entire evening. Gabe soon entered.
"Where's Tifa?" asked several at once some trying to be suggestive and failing miserably.
Gabe shrugged, "I think she went down to the 7th Heaven to get a drink."
"What's the drink for?" several of those in the room asked at once. A few less where trying for the suggestive route but it was still pitiful all around.
"To drink I would imagine. Or it could be for the hours and hours of kinky sex we're going to have. Jesus, you guys are so blatantly obvious."
"So?" came a unison reply.
"You people are so fucking immature," muttered Gabe storming out.
Elsewhere…
"He's here," announced Ryu (From Ninja Gaiden) stepping into Mario's makeshift office. Dr. Wily was in the office with him as well.
"Send him in then!" snapped Mario annoyed.
Ryu nodded and walked to the door, "Come in here please."
"About fucking time," came a sharp tone.
"Do you really think this is a good idea?" asked Wily quickly.
"Yes,"
"You the guy who called me?" Mario and Wily looked up and saw Alice Cooper walk in with Courtney Love hanging off his arm with a bottle of cheap whiskey dangling from her left hand.
"That would be me," said Mario standing up and shaking Alice's hand. "Welcome to my ship…I'm glad you could stop by."
"Sure…so let's just cut to the chase here."
"Yes, let's."
"What do you want me here for?"
"How would you like to help me destroy the people you hate the most?"
"REO Speedwagon?"
"No…Avalanche."
"Oh…that's right. Yes…I sure as hell would. What do I have to do? Who does Courtney have to blow?"
"BB;JKLJFLKJS," babbled Courtney who burst out giggling then promptly went to sleep.
"Your…woman…doesn't have to blow anyone. This is free. No strings attached."
"What is it?"
Dr. Wily smiled. Part of his explanation would be cold business and the other half would be the simple excitement that came from creating something as extraordinary as what he had created. "I have created a device…which allows whoever holds it to poesses the fan fic authors power?"
"The what?" Alice was beginning to believe that this was some kind of elaborate joke. He began to look around for a hidden camera of some kind.
"Fan fic authors power…it's a bit complex for someone like you to understand but in a nutshell, it's the greatest power one can have. It isn't limited to fan fiction…it really applies to anyone who writes. Most barely ever use it. Mr. Ricard is one of them."
"So what the hell do you want me for? Seems like you guys could use it just as well I could."
"That's part of the point. We want to give this to someone who will use it to its fullest extent. We want these fools to be destroyed slowly…before we continue with our plans."
"Those being?"
Wily's nostrils flared slightly, "You don't need to concern yourself with that."
"I don't hmm"
Mario waved Wily off, "It's okay…he has every right to know I suppose. Our plans quite simply are complete domination of the video game industry."
"That's it?" Alice was trying though not very hard to avoid bursting out a fit of laughter.
"Pretty much…so, do you want this? I know for a fact that your getting on in your years and the chance at having some sort of power must be gnawing at you already. But before you answer keep this in mind, we will always be in control. Once we take the power from Ricard it is linked to this box," he held up the box to drive his point home before it was even finished. "This means a couple of things. First and most important, if anything happens to Mario or myself…the box will be destroyed and the force of the power leaving you will most likely kill you instantly." Alice nodded, this didn't surprise him much so there where no visible signs of anger or disappointment in his eyes. Mario saw this and thought that Alice was smarter then Mario at first believed.
"The second?" inquired Alice Cooper.
"The second…is that once we are done here…we'll be taking the authors power back. We'll leave you with some as reward for your assistance and I can promise it'll be more than enough to let you run things around here for the rest of your life…which could be several hundred more years if your lucky. So, with all this in mind what do you say?"
"I say…yes."
"Yes, yes, yes, yes," muttered Courtney trying to reach down to retrieve the bottle she had dropped a minute ago but being unable due to the grip Alice had on her arm.
"Wonderful," smiled Mario folding his arms.
"When do I start?"
"Right now…" Dr. Wily pressed a button on the box and put it on the table. "No in order for the power to be transferred to you, you need to say the phrase."
"That would be?" Dr. Wily handed him a slip of paper. "This is what I have to say?"
"Yes."
Alice shrugged, "Okay…" he looked back down at the paper, "Clerk Rats is now in the Kevin Smith section and should be read as soon as possible. Kinda cryptic."
"I know, I-"
The box began whirring quietly and remained that way for several minutes. Then, suddenly, without warning a white ghost-like shadow was seemingly sucked into the box. Alice as well as Mario and Wily watched in silence as the shadow then shot out of the box and into Alice's chest sending him hurling to the ground along with Courtney. The whirring noise stopped dead and the make shift office fell silent. After a moment, Alice rose to his feet his eyes seemed different and he almost looked younger. Mario and Wily knew right away the change had taken place.
"This feels…amazing," muttered Alice clenching his fist and holding it in the air then waving his fingers around as if he was running them through something. He may very well have been with the energy that was coursing through his veins.
"Now, you have a job to get to right?"
"Of course…give me a night to work an idea out?"
Mario was still in a hurry to kill them and move on, but he was too caught up in this power to care for the most part. He shrugged, "Sure…but I want to see results by tomorrow or the box goes off."
"Don't worry," assured Alice. "You will. Come on Courtney." Alice reached down and picked up Courtney Love who had not left the spot on the floor she had fallen and led her out of the room.
"I suppose all we do now is sit back and watch?"
Dr. Wily nodded, "Pretty much…"
"Oh well…I like a good show anyway." He yawned with the slightest tone.
The next morning…
Cloud knew that even with the chaos of everything around him and the impending doom on the way he still needed to be mayor of the city. He stopped at the door to crack his neck and figure out what he would have for lunch that day before walking in. "Yo Linda wassup?!"
Linda sighed, "Mr. Stryfe, we've been over this. Just because I'm black doesn't mean you have to talk to me like that. You don't talk to Mr. Wallace like that."
"That's very true…so any messages?"
"Oh, I forgot to tell you. You're not the mayor anymore."
Oh, so wake me up when it's-WHAT?!?!?"
"Someone else has taken over. Terribly sorry we gave your stuff to the lesbian bar downtown. They loved your porno stash. Please leave before the hidden assassins kill you." Cloud could barely speak as he turned and walked out. Once out he was met by Gabe and all the others.
"You'll never believe what just happened to me," began Cloud.
"We where kicked out of the mansion," interrupted Gabe.
"WHAT?!?!?!?"
"Yeah…think Nintendo's behind it?" asked Jay.
"No…I think REO Speedwagon is behind it," said Cloud sarcastically.
"Me too…those bastards."
"That building looks like a bong," cackled Jay who was standing farther away from the group with Silent Bob.
"So what are we going to do?" asked Fei.
"Whatever I want you to do!" came a familiar voice. Everyone looked up but only Avalanche, Stone Cold, and, Bruce Willis where shocked to see Alice Cooper standing on the roof of the building, he jumped down which was a good twenty stories and landed on his feet with unnerving swiftness. Everyone took a step back while Alice who by the observations of anyone who knew him looked younger and even stronger. "Who missed me?" he sneered.
"I did," came the growl of another familiar to most-but-not-all voice. Everyone looked back to see Rob Zombie emerge from the ground. "I've been waitin for you to show your sorry ass face again old man." Rob dusted himself off and walked in front of the group.
"Have you?" asked Alice with overdone shock.
"I'm takin you down for good this time."
"Take the first shot then." Avalanche, Xenogears, and the rest watched the confrontation without saying a word.
"I don't think so." Rob Zombie said this slowly and then said nothing.
Alice's expression remained unchanged as he smiled then lifted his hand into the air. A blue light surrounded Rob who soon found himself unable to move with an oppressive, crushing sensation overcoming him. "What the hell?!"
"I'm making the first…and only shot. He turned to Gabe, "Maybe you ought to use your authors power and save the Zombie in some way.
"I guess…if you say so." Gabe began to concentrate as if searching for something then suddenly stopped and it seemed like a horrible revelation of some kind had just come to him. "I-it's not there! I don't have it anymore!"
Alice let out a long, evil bad guy type laugh, "Of course you don't I have it now and with that you can consider you and everyone else's life OVER!" He returned his attention to Rob Zombie who was still in the same state that Alice had put him into only a few moments ago. "I'm going to start with you ROB…. Farewell." he walked over to him and extended his cattle prod pressing it into Rob's chest. Rob didn't utter a word but still exploded into several large pieces that had no blood or insides or any mess of any kind. Alice held the pieces in suspended animation then lifted them into the air and shot them off into every different possible direction. He looked at the group before him and have an arrogant smirk, "That takes care of Mr.Zombie. Now, I have no plans to kill you all…not yet at least. No I have some much more interesting methods of revenge for you. I noticed that there's some of you that I don't believe I've met before."
"Yeah," agreed Bart. "Can we go home?" Fei elbowed him in the stomach.
"For those of you who don't know me, my name is Alice Cooper and you're in the wrong place at the wrong time so you can just go along for the ride. For I promise my revenge will be neither swift nor entertaining!"
"Hey!" interrupted Randal. "You stole that from Leonardo Leonardo!"
From the sudden look on Alice's face, it was obvious Randal was correct but Alice sure didn't want to admit it. "Of course not!"
"Did too."
"Did not."
"Did too."
"Did not."
"Did too."
"IT DOESN'T REALLY FUCKING MATTER DOES IT?! WHAT MATTERS IS I'M IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE ALL GOING VERY FAR AWAY! GOODBYE FOREVER!!!!" Alice brought his hands in the air and brought them down in one swift motion. The moment his hands came down, everyone disappeared in a flash of blue light.
Let the fun begin…
"Man it's warm in here," Maria noticed.
"Yeah," agreed Gabe who was standing alongside Randal, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Aeris, Red XIII, and Maria. "Where are we?" he looked around. The place had a familiar charm to it but was still utterly foreign to him.
"We're in hell," said Red XIII with stoic blankness.
"Damn Red," remarked Stone Cold. "I know things are bad but we're not in hell yet."
"No. I mean we're literally in hell."
"No way," disagreed Randal. At that moment, they where greeted by Elton John.
"Welcome to hell," he smiled after having caught everyone's attention.
"Oh my god!" cried Randal. "We ARE in hell!"
"Really…" muttered Red XIII shaking his head.
"Come with me," said Elton turning and walking towards a long hallway.
"Ew…Elton John said come," Gabe shook his head and followed everyone else down the hall. Soon, they came to a reception desk with Carrot Top behind it, "Hey Elt! What do we got here!" Carrot Top then promptly burst out laughing and didn't stop for several minutes.
"New faces is all."
"All righty…let's have a look see," Carrot Top looked over the group and having already known their names typed them into the computer. "Hmmm…it seems Mr. Ricard and Mr. Graves weren't due here until a single person liked REO Speedwagon…and that wasn't supposed to be until 2600. But, I don't see the rest of them he-oh wait!" he giggled. "Apparently someone called in advance and set up some rooms for them. So I guess everything checks out. Bake em away toys!" he burst out laughing again and pulled out a horn from seemingly thin air, honking it several time to add to his almost mythical annoying personality.
"Whatever," replied Elton leading the group through a door to a seemingly endless hallway of doors. He pulled out several sheets of paper and handed them to each one, "All these doors are numbered see? Just go to the door with your number on it. If you don't, the ground opens up and you will plummet into one of the pits. And trust me….and ask Clinton if you want but no one ever, ever wants the pit. Toodles." Elton turned and walked away, swaying his hips from side to side. After throwing up everyone despite wishes to do otherwise walked to each of their doors and stepped in.
"Hey…is this my old high school Sussex Central High School?" Gabe looked around with panic swelling in his throat. He didn't like the direction in which this was heading. He soon recognized the room as the one he had taken ART I in. This made him even more nervous because ART had been the worse class he ever took.
"Hey Gabe!"
"AHHHHHHH!!! Mr. Lundy! What the hell are you doing here!!"
"We're going to talk about Art for all eternity!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
"Oh my god…" mumbled Red darting around in every direction. "It's another hall of mirrors! I gotta get out!" Red began diving into every mirror he saw in an attempt to get out. To his horror however, they simply kept reforming,
"This doesn't seem too bad," observed Aeris. "All that's here is are big screen TV's everywhere," she realized she was walking on an odd surface and looked down, "The ground is too." The TV's soon flickered on and everywhere Aeris looked she saw the one person she hated more than anything…Martha Stewart.
"Hello! Today I'm going to steal more classic rock and roll songs to use for my mindless commercials and I'm going to suggest many nearly impossible things to do with household items like human DNA and frogs eggs! Then I'm going to dance naked!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"Hey…we have the same room," observed Randal.
"Wonderful," uttered Maria.
"Would that imply we have the same worst fe-"
"Hey, there's a door," pointed Maria.
"Let's go in it."
Maria shrugged, "Fine…if it will get me away from you."
"Ouch." Randal and Maria walked to the door and opened it stepping inside but not noticing the sign at the top that said BURN WARD. By the time they realized it, it was too late to do anything for the door was locked.
"I ain't got a damn fear," exclaimed Stone Cold Steve Austin who meant it. As far as Stone Cold knew in his mind, he didn't have any fears. Except maybe the time he accidentally walked in on Mick Foley in the shower during the summer of 97.
"Hey Stone Cold!"
Austin's heart froze as it suddenly came to him. The one thing he was scared of more than anything in the world. He didn't want to turn around but after a moment did turn around to see Mikey Whipwreck looming in front of him. "Mikey! You little son of a bitch! How the hell are y-ah!" Austin was cut down when Mikey jabbed him in the jaw and grabbed his head, throwing him into the wall, busting him wide open. Stone Cold scrambled to his feet and swung at Mikey who kicked him the stomach, bodyslammed him and proceeded to stomp the life out of him.
Somewhere else…
"I wasn't even suppose to-"
"Be here today?" asked Vincent.
"Yeah." Dante folded his arms and yawned.
"This is sweet," remarked Jay. "We're in a desert! Familiar one too, huh Silent Bob?" Silent Bob lit himself a cigarette and nodded taking a drag.
"This looks like the desert from Planet of the Apes," remarked Bart.
"I agree," answered Billy.
"That's new."
"Fuck you Bart. I'm trying to be nice."
"I don't fuck guys," replied Bart. "If that's your thing…that's OKAY with me. Just don't involve me."
Billy spun his gun around in his hand and aimed it Bart, "One day I'm going to blow your fucking head off. I swear. You'll be sitting there…being an obnoxious asshole and just generally bringing down the quality of life for everyone near you and, BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Your stupid head will be in several small unrecognizable chunks on the other side of the room and I will be declared a hero for saving the world from having to hear ONE MORE MORNONIC GODDAMN UNINTELLIGABLE SENTENCE BE UTTERED FROM YOUR STUPID MOUTH!"
Bart stared at Billy blankly, "Goddamn? I thought you where religious…"
"THAT'S IT!" Billy was about to pull the trigger when the gun was shot out of his hand, startling him. The group turned around and saw a group of apes coming towards them on horses.
"Oh my god…" muttered Dante. "This is the Planet of the Apes."
"I don't like the direction this may head in," agreed Vincent.
"All of you don't move!" barked the ape who rode ahead of the others. "You're on ape land!"
"We are?" asked Jay.
"Of course! And because of this you can be assured that your punishment will be swift and severe!"
"We need to get their names," reminded an ape standing near the apparent leader of the group.
"What? Why?"
"Orders from that moron Dr. Zaiuss."
"Fine. Fine. Fine. Okay let's get your names before we take you in for medical experiments."
"Dante Hicks."
"Bart."
"Billy Lee Black."
"Vincent Valentine."
"Jay."
The leader ape simply grunted and then turned to Silent Bob who said nothing, "What about you pudgy?" Silent Bob gave no reply. Only taking another drag of his cigarette.
"He don't talk," interjected Jay.
The leader ape suddenly gasped, "He doesn't?"
"Nope."
"I can't believe it! It's him it's really him!"
"Who?" asked another of the apes.
"The hairless, non-speaking ape-god!"
"The what?"
"The hairless, non-speaking ape-god! Our books speak of him constantly!"
"They do?"
"Of course…. THIS is as close as we will ever get…to a god! We must take him to the city! To meet Dr. Zaiuss!"
"But-"
"Now!"
"Okay, okay…man." The ape shook his head and ordered for them to be cuffed.
Elsewhere…
"The Death Star…we're on the fucking Death Star!" Bruce shook his head and turned to blast away a couple more Stormtroopers. This seemed futile as they seemed to never stop reemerging to chase himself, Fei, Norm, and Citan down one of the many corridors of the space station.
"Why the hell are we running?" growled Rico. "We can take these guys."
"There's a few dozen, dozen, dozen Stormtroopers back there with guns that can turn solid rock to dust," answered Fei. "Care to head over and give it a shot?" Rico said nothing and continued to run. They stopped as the other end of the corridor was filled with Stormtroopers.
"Guess we have no choice now," observed Norm who had spent the last few hours trying everything in his power not to piss his pants or faint.
And even further elsewhere…
"I wish Aeris was here…" Cloud sighed.
"Chuuuuuu!!!"
"Shut the hell up."
"This place is too damn creepy," observed Cait Sith.
"I agree," replied Yuffie. Emeralda said nothing.
"So, what can we do for you?"
Cloud rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe they had wound up in Munchkin Land of all the places for them to appear in. He turned to who he believed was the mayor of Munchkin Land. "NO! GO AWAY!"
"Okaly Dokaly!" the supposed mayor smiled and stepped away.
"I say we just try and get the fuck out of here. Anyone else for that?"
"Sounds good," agreed Cait.
"Grand," Cloud was about to leave when he stopped on the realization that Yuffie was not among them. "Where's Yuffie?"
"THAT BITCH! THAT THIEVING BITCH STOLE MY WALLET!"
"Found her!" announced Cait Sith pointing near a house where Yuffie was trying to escape from a group munchkins with a wallet in hand.
"The penalty for stealing is death!" cried one munchkin when they surrounded Yuffie.
"DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!" they all picked up stones and advanced closer and closer to Yuffie.
"Should we bail her out?" asked Cait.
"I…guess. I wanted to kill some munchkins again anyway." Cloud drew his sword and charged in along with the others. He planned to make Yuffie pay for this later.
The fun continues…elsewhere!
"Still think Racoon City looks like a cool place Barret? Do you?"
"Shut up Tifa! How was I supposed to know!" Barret took out a small cluster of zombies with a Big Shot and turned to gun down several more. He wasn't expecting as many as there was and would have been overtaken had Rico not charged in and tore them all apart. Barret was rather impressed.
Tifa spun around and kicked another zombies head off. She looked around the ruined buildings but all she really saw other then that where several groups of zombies. She hoped she would be able to make it to a high place but she didn't know how much longer the three of them could hold out.
Lets head back to Mario and the gang…
"You like?" asked Alice Cooper sitting in a chair with Courtney Love sitting in his lap and kissing his neck. Alice was sitting across from Mario and the three of them where sitting across from a series of TV's each showing them the development of where and what the heroes were doing.
Mario smiled, "I like…I like very, very much." Mario didn't say anything else. Only nodding and at one point closing his eyes and shaking slightly with laughter.
Victory was inevitable.
End.
That's it for part five. I'm doing my best to get these done at a rapid fire pace without sacrificing things like the story and the humor. As always, let me know what you think and keep an eye out for the continuation of the Nintendo Strikes Back saga and a vampire novel I'm working on with my friend Lotuss Tears. Once again, thanks for giving my lame shit some time and be sure to review and give me an opinion.