Final Fantasy 7-# 18
Not a real full scale war but an incredible simulation!
Part eight in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga
Written by Gabe Ricard
Disclaimer: I own nothing noteworthy…. So unless you're looking for a big pile of nothing, don't sue.
Coming into the home stretch now as there are, counting what you're reading at this moment three parts left in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga. So, sit back and enjoy part eight.
"Cloud…I really need to tell you something," even with all the chaos of the battle with Nintendo going on all around them, Aeris still had only one thing on her mind. She had thus far attempted to tell Cloud several times but now with only a couple people in his home office talking, she would finally tell him.
Cloud looked up from his conversation with Fei and Bruce Willis and was about to tell his wife he'd be over there in a minute, but saw the severity on her face and knew he wouldn't get away with that. "Can you guys excuse me for a minute." Both nodded and stepped out of the office.
Aeris waited until they where gone from view before she continued. "Cloud, I really-"
"Need to tell me something?" Cloud smiled and kissed his wife, "We established that. What's wrong?"
"Well…I went to the doctor and-" Yet again, Aeris's explanation was cut short with a tremendous explosion that caused Aeris to fall into Cloud's arms.
"I can only imagine what that is," muttered Cloud.
Norm bolted into the room, "You guys! Those Nintendo guys are all attacking the city! They're everywhere."
"Wonderful. Bring everyone in here now." Norm nodded and ran off. Everyone was soon in Clouds office which in theory should have been a psychical impossibility.
"We need to break up into smaller groups because it sounds like they're spreading out all over New Nibelheim. Okay, Rico, Dante, Cid, Red and Emeralda you're one group. Billy, Jay, Silent Bob, Cait Sith and Norm you're the next. Bart, Citan, Gabe, Barret and Yuffie you're the next group. Group four will be Maria, Tifa, Chu-Chu, Vincent, and Randal and last it'll be me, Fei, Austin, Aeris, Gabe's weird friend, and Elly. Bruce you're on your own correct?"
"Yeah."
When we get out there just head in a direction. Okay? Good let's mosey."
"God damn it!" cried Cid, "Say it like a man!" everyone turned and looked at Cid who apparently had gotten a new look. Instead of his pilots uniform he wore blue jeans, a black Dukes of Hazzard shirt and a leather jacket. His goggles remained where they always had been.
"Haven't said that in awhile," murmured Cait.
"Fine…LET'S MOVE OUT. Happy Cid?"
"Yep," the group filed out of the room and headed outside, spreading out over the city.
"Hey Stone Cold," asked Cloud as he walked alongside the others.
"Yeah?"
"What was that phone call?"
"I was gonna see if Vince could send some WWF guys to help us out."
"Can he?"
"Nah. Damn war with WCW."
Cloud was about to respond but stopped as what seemed to be 20 Double Dragon III thugs and a two dozen ninjas Sagat seemed to stand as the leader of the group. "Ah…my first victims. How nice." He craned his neck to the ninjas and thugs, "Kill."
Austin threw himself onto the DD III thugs while Fei went to work looking like a Bruce Lee clone dispatching several ninjas in seconds. Elly had drawn her gun and shot one in the face. Aeris stood back and created a barrage of fireballs mixed with lightning. Cloud saw his opening and went after Sagat. Tosha drew a shotgun not unlike the one Vincent carried and picked off two more ninjas Sagat threw an uppercut but Cloud avoided it and uppercut Cloud with his sword. Sagat hit the ground hard and looked up Cloud, he wiped a trickle of blood from his lower lip and smiled, "Not bad."
"Wish I could say the same for you. No wonder no one ever picks you in Street Fighter."
"I figured it's because no one wants to win," replied Sagat pulling himself to his feet.
"Oh…delusional too?" Cloud went straight for Sagat's scarred chest but Sagat kicked him back then grabbed his head and whipped him into the wall. In the moment Cloud was dazed, Sagat drove a knee into Fei's spine then clotheslined Stone Cold. Sagat saw that his army was down to only a couple, and reached over and wrapped his massive arm around Elly who was shooting at the last of the DD III thugs and pulled her back disappearing in a flash of light.
"Elly!" cried Fei throwing the last ninja aside and leaping into the light but catching only the ground. "That bastard!"
"We'll get her back," reassured Cloud. "They're looking for hostages." Cloud looked around his group was in shambles. Austin was holding his neck and Aeris and Tosha where battered and bruised.
Elsewhere…
"You know Rico," observed Cid walking alongside him and the rest of his group, "You are one ugly bastard." Rico scowled and said nothing. Everyone stopped as they saw Blanka, Sabin, Shadow, Cyan, and the Battletoads as well as several bosses from various Megaman games and King Hippo.
"This just screams 'we're fucked'" uttered Dante.
"I agree." Red was almost wishing he was back in the room of endless mirrors.
Blanka spotted them first and without a word spoken, the fight was on. Rico uppercut Blanka into a truck then speared him as he was getting up and began laying in the lefts and rights. Emeralda turned her arm into a sharp blade which sliced through two of the three Battletoads. She turned around only to have her legs frozen into the ground from Iceman then before she could react and escape from this with ease, Breakman, and Flashman blasted her at the same time and smiled as she fell to the ground and lay unmoving. Flashman and Breakmans victory was short lived as Cid came out of nowhere and drove his spear into the back of Flashman then brought it straight up, slicing him in half. Iceman reacted first and tried to freeze Cid into the ground. Cid saw it coming and jumped over throwing a grenade at Iceman sending him flying in various directions then landing on his feet and driving the Venus Gospel into Breakmans throat and pulled it violently to the right taking the head off.
Cid smirked as he landed on his feet. Confident he still had it when Slash drove an elbow into the back of his head, then spun him around, and dropkicked him in the face. Cid made an attempt to get up but was kicked swiftly in the ribs. Cid coughed out some blood. He didn't believe he had ever been kicked in the ribs that hard in his entire life. He looked up to see another foot going for his face and moments later, everything went black.
Rico recovered quickly from the stiff shot from Blanka and came back with a Flame Lariat. To his shock, Blanka shrugged the attack off like it was nothing. He was about to follow the attack up when Sabin who had just helped to finish off Cid, chopped him the throat then threw him towards Cyan who sliced his chest wide open with his sword. Rico roared and slumped down but as he did Blanka hit him with his big lightning attack and Rico fell to the ground. Emeralda had risen to her feet as had Cid. The both of them where incredibly dazed but managed to finish off Slash.
Red had Hippo dazed and decided to go for the kill, he went straight for the throat but didn't count on the massive boxer grabbing the back of Red's neck and smashing him into the pavement. Dante charged at him with a piece of plywood and resisting the temptation to laugh for several minutes and gave the clerk one mighty deck that floored him with ease. Hippo saw the bloody Cid and Emeralda fighting in vain against Blanka, Sabin, Cyan, and Shadow and decided it was time to go. "Hey! Grab Cat-Dog, the big guy and the little guy and lets get the hell out of here."
Blanka growled and grabbed Cid throwing him into a dumpster then watched as Sabin gave Emeralda a simple elbow shot in the jaw. He reached down and picked up Red while Blanka lifted up Rico and Shadow grabbed Dante. "Okay let's go." In a flash of light not unlike the one Sagat used they where gone. Cid pulled himself out of the Dumpster and helped Emeralda to her feet with no clue as to what his next move should be.
In another part of the city…
"Am I the only one who thinks this is total bullshit?" asked Bart cracking his whip along the legs of Yoshi and throwing him into the wall.
"No argument from me," replied Gabe going sword to sword with Link and losing badly. All it took was ten minutes of serious fighting with this gunblade and his arms were racked with pain. He glanced to his left and saw Yuffie throwing a series of ninja stars at Kirby who simply opened his mouth sucked them in. He then spat them out and before Yuffie could leap away Balrog and Jax appeared and held her long enough for each ninja star to pierce her flesh one of which found a comfortable home in her exposed thigh. Balrog sneered and gave her a quick left jab that ended Yuffie's pain, if only for a few moments.
"DIE MOTHERFUCKERS!!" screamed Barret throwing himself into the small army of Pokemon and what seemed like four of every single Mario creature ever created. By Barret's estimation there were at least- well he couldn't count them all if he tried. All a different kind. It was at this point, Barret wished he had paid more attention to his daughters Pokemon obsession from the year before. Citan tried to cut his way into to help him but it was too late and Barret soon disappeared in the mass. Citan jumped back and was able to charge in and find Barret but did not get very far. He felt a tremendous shock through his body which heightened everything in him for a few seconds before it all went black.
Bart clotheslined Jax with his whip then wrapped it around his throat and kicked him forward, jerking the whip and breaking Jax's neck.
"Yer fuckin dead," growled Balrog charging at Bart and throwing a series of punches at Bart who dodged all of them, kicked Balrog in the jaw and finished him off with Angel.
"Seems like it's the other way around," grinned Bart. Bart didn't waste any time celebrating and went after Link who had Gabe laying against the wall unable to lift up his gunblade anymore. Suddenly Link disappeared and when Bart whirled around he saw that the others were gone as well. All that remained were the Nintendo guys who had fallen, Bart. Gabe and Citan.
Bart walked over to Gabe and helped him to his feet, "Why didn't they kill us all?"
"That's a pretty good question," replied Gabe. "Let's help up Shitan and see if we can find some of the others."
"Sounds good to me, Link sure kicked your ass."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
At the main Nintendo ship…that may coincidentally explain why Nintendo isn't killing everyone in one clean swoop…there IS a reason…I swear! Really! I'm not prolonging this series to waste time! No! Don't hit the back button! Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Explain to me again why we aren't wiping them all out,"
Mario shrugged, "It's obvious we have things well in hand…it's just a matter of toying with them before we finish them off. Besides, I want to have a few of them frozen. We could use a few of them for experiments and what not. You worry too much Wily. We'll have them gone by tomorrow and then we can move on."
"If you say so."
Elsewhere on the Nintendo ship…
"You don't know?" hissed Princess Peach.
The toadstool nodded slowly, "No Princess. Though it should be no longer then a couple days. Apparently, Mario is savoring his impending victory."
"Which means, he could finish them off at any moment1 but instead will waste everyone's time. Fine let the bastard play his little games. I don't have anything better to do. Wait till he needs me then we'll see. We're out of vodka bring me some more."
"Yes Princess," muttered the toadstool scurrying off.
Back in the city…
"Why did I get stuck with the worst group?" wondered Billy spinning both his guns and firing for all he was worth at Samsus. She powered up her blaster and fired, Billy jumped behind a car and tried to pick off a few of the thirty-foot toadstool mechs but after getting only one the car was destroyed knocking Billy into a wall. Billy recovered quickly and continued firing at Samsus, Wario, and any of the other seemingly countless Nintendo goons that were here. He couldn't even see his teammates but hopped they were doing better than he was.
"Where the hells did you get that?" exclaimed Jay seeing Silent Bob produce a light saber and slicing Diddy Kong who had been pummeling Cait Sith in two. Norm was being beaten up by Wario.
Billy fell to one knee as he felt blood pouring out of his left arm and knew he had broken a rib but gritted his teeth, and fired off several more rounds. These ones the most powerful bullets he had on him which sent Samsus falling to the ground and unmoving. Billy pulled himself to standing and took out two more of the toadstool mechs. He looked to his left and saw Jay and Silent Bob fall to Scorpion and Sub Zero who had come out of nowhere.
"Imma Wario IMMA gonna win!" Wario conjured up a black fireball and threw it at Norm. It would have hit its target had it not been for Cait Sith who absorbed the blast with a Fire 3.
Wario's eyes nearly popped out of his head, "You can't do that!"
Cait Sith had been waiting for someone to say that one simple phrase for over four years. He raised his hands in a 'come on' fashion, "Well then, just bring I-ahhhhhhh!!!" Cait's long awaited catch phrase would be made to wait even longer as he was frozen solid by Sub Zero. The attack was nicely followed up with a soccer kick from Scorpion that shattered Cait into several million pieces.
"Good kick sweets," remarked Sub Zero nodding with obvious approval.
"Thanks…I gotta say though the way you froze this guy was pretty damn impressive. So, aren't we supposed to take some hostages?"
Sub Zero shrugged, "I think so…I think this whole operation is a sham though."
"Me too…I hope Sony takes us back if this whole thing falls through?"
"Are you kidding? People'll never get tired of Mortal Kombat. We're set for life." Scorpion ducked as Silent Bob flew fast over his head.
"Yeah…you're right as always honey. So, who should we take?"
"Let's take that cute little skinny stonner, the fat boy he hangs out with and…that's it."
"You're the boss."
"At least until tonight."
"Got me there." Scorpion reached down and picked up Jay who's head had been shoved into the ground. Sub Zero saw Silent Bob trying to pick himself up and reached over and shot a ball of ice into his face. Once he was out, he reached down and picked him up.
"Shall we go?"
"Call everyone off first silly."
"Oh yes…" he raised his hand up and cried, "PULL BACK!"
"Huh?" Billy stopped firing at Samsus who had risen with revenge in her mind and looked to Scorpion and Sub Zero who disappeared suddenly and within seconds, everyone else followed leaving Billy, several melting ice chunks of Cait Sith and Norm.
Let's check in on the last group…
"They're not doing too well," muttered Bruce hiding behind a car and peering in on the attack. Chu-Chu had turned to mech and was battling several more toadstool mechs with giant (for them) arms. Randal and Maria were down and Vincent and Tifa where barely holding their own against Megaman X and Megaman, Donkey Kong, Ryu from Ninja Gaiden and countless others. Bruce had seen enough and leapt from the car opening fire on Donkey Kong and several ninjas. After a solid round, Donkey Kong was dead as was most of the ninjas. Bruce glanced to his left and saw Megaman coming at him and didn't react quickly enough as Megaman charged up and blasted Bruce through a building.
"Okay let's go!" barked Pacman not surprisingly Ryu picked up Maria and Baraka threw Randal over his shoulder. Everyone suddenly teleported away and the only Chu-Chu holding the head of one of the toadstool mechs, Tifa, Vincent and Bruce Willis who emerged from the building a few minutes later.
Forty minutes later on the main Nintendo ship…
"All the groups have checked in with hostages," reported Link walking into Mario's office.
"It took you long enough," Mario leaned forward in his seat with Dr. Wily standing at his side. "Let's wait a few minutes as I'm sure they'll gather then, we'll release all the troops at once and destroy them in one single shot and we'll be done here."
"And the hostages?"
Mario rolled his eyes and turned to Wily, "Didn't I go over this already?"
"Not with him."
He sighed, "We'll kill a few and freeze the rest. You never know when we may need them."
"Gotcha, we'll attack on your command," Link turned and walked out.
"Well it seems losing the fan fic authors power didn't make much of a difference did it?"
"No. I have to admit I'm surprised at how little a factor it ended up playing. Let's get ready to go watch the big fight. But before we go…Wily?"
"Yes?"
"Push the button."
"All right," Mario got up to leave and after Wily pushed the button he followed.
Outside the Mayors Mansion…
"Seems like you guys didn't do too well either," remarked Cloud to Bart.
"Nope. Seems like a lot of us were taken."
"What the hell do we do now?" asked Cid standing amongst all of the surviving heroes.
"NOW YOU CAN DIE!!!"
"Oh great…" exclaimed Fei as everyone looked ahead of them to see the entire assembled Nintendo army.
"Hey, I didn't know there was a giant screen with Mario's ugly face on it on the main Nintendo ship."
"There wasn't Steve," replied Tifa.
"Now is the time when you all die. You've lasted a lot longer then I thought you would. But it seems your luck is up. Goodbye." The picture disappeared and the screen folded in two.
Link drew his sword and stood at the head of the head of the monstrous army. Because most of the buildings were destroyed there was more than enough room for the army to fill the city. "Bye bye."
"I think it's you who should be saying goodbye," came a sudden sharp voice. Everyone now looked to their left and saw several WWF wrestlers which included Triple H, Edge and Christian, Raven, Albert, Kane, Undertaker, The Big Show, The Hardy Boyz, Chris Beniot, Chris Jericho, the APA, Dudley Boyz and Spike Dudley. Triple H turned to Stone Cold, "Seems like we could spare a few minutes in between kicking WCW's sorry ass."
"You ain't the only ones!" came yet another sudden sharp voice.
"I'm getting really tired of having to turn my fucking head," muttered Gabe as looked to the right to see a group of WCW wrestlers that included Booker T, Sting, Chuck Palumbo, Buff Bagwell, Diamond Dallas Page, and about a dozen more.
"We ain't gonna let you WWF guys show us up in ANYTHING! And that includes full scale wars with video game icons!"
Link was at a loss for words but finally shook his head, "This doesn't mean a thing! WE'RE kicking YOUR ass's and that's all there is to it. LET'S GET EMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!"
Whatever was left of the city of New Nibelheim was quickly laid to waste in the massive battle royal that was going on. The addition of the WWF/WCW wrestlers allowed for the heroes to cut through most of- Nintendo's expendable fighters but at least two hundred still remained. "Man…" exclaimed Cloud ducking under a clothesline from Sagat and cutting his left arm off. "Chaotic doesn't even begin to describe it." He saw the arm less screaming Sagat and smiled, he had been wanting to get some revenge from his last fight and this was his chance.
"You will pay!" roared Sagat feebly throwing a flaming uppercut which Cloud jumped away from and drove his blade into his shoulder slicing it straight up and taking the other arm with it. Cloud then kicked Sagat into one of the many fighting crowds and knew he was finished. Taking no time to rest, Cloud threw himself into a battle with a half dozen Megaman bosses.
Fei blocked the last kick from Sabin and floored him with a crippling roundhouse. "You'll pay for that!" he growled wiping the blood away from his upper lip. Fei powered up and went for the kill but felt another presence coming at him and turned to face it. He was a moment too late however as Cyan brought his sword down across Fei's chest drove his shoulder into Fei and spun him around to meet a left hook from Sabin which was followed by a uppercut roundhouse kick. Nearby the APA had taken Fox Mclouds head off with a double lariat after taking down his ship with a car. Billy looked through the crowd and saw Samsus blasting Chuck Palumbo into dust and wanted to send him (Author note: I am well aware it's a woman) away for good. Drawing his gun and taking down two giant goombas and putting two of his top bullets through Bald Bull's heart, Billy shot his way through the crowd and was able to sneak up on her and shoot him in the back of the head. Billy decided he would never get the kill with the armor and while he was dazed yanked his helmet off to see that he was a she (Authors note: see?!). Billy was stunned and was stunned long enough for Samsus to shoot him in the chest and uppercut him several feet away.
"I'm gonna kick your ass ONCE AND FOR ALL!" cried Gabe putting every last ounce of strength into charging at Link and throwing several attacks one of which sliced Link's shoulder wide open. Grimacing, Link charged up his sword and floored Gabe with it. As he tried to get up Blanka came at him and Gabe was able to react fast enough to slice his throat open then jump back and unleash his one special attack, which he would later dub Devine Sword. Once Blanka fell to the ground dead, Gabe resumed his battle with Link. A few feet away Tifa and Aeris were in a rare moment of unification as they stood near one another and kept what seemed like a never-ending horde of ninjas at bay.
Stone Cold cracked a car door over the head of Ryu and was shocked when the ninja recovered quickly and dropkicked him. As Austin was getting up and Ryu was about to go for the kill with his ninja sword, Triple H threw the dead Mr. Sandman aside and spun Ryu around flooring him with an elbow smash. He then picking him and up and smashing his head into one of the few surviving buildings and back body dropped him into the main section of the battle.
The WCW wrestlers were not fairing as well. The only ones remaining where DDP, Sting and Booker T. Page was in the midst of a battle against several dozen really strange looking zombie soldiers careful to avoid Kane or Undertaker. Sting was simply taking names down with his bat and Booker T who was hoping to god he'd come up with some new catch phrases soon was fighting all the guys from Contra. He glanced out to his right and saw one of them aiming at him and grabbing the guy next to him threw him to the first guy and then finished him off with an ax kick.
"I can't believe it," lamented Cid pulling his spear out of Leonardo the last surviving Ninja Turtle. "I…saved Yuffie!"
Yuffie pulled herself up and kicked back an oncoming Giant Panther. Then grabbed his arm and twisted it violently to the right, breaking it. She then kneed him in the face and looked at Cid, "You…saved me."
"I did."
"Old bastard!"
"Thieving whore!" Cid noticed someone he had been meaning to kill and charged in glad things hadn't got too awkward. Vincent watched Cid dart past him and spun his new shotgun and picked off both the guys from Bad Dudes.
When another hour had passed it was obvious the Nintendo forces where being repelled. Link looked around and decided it was time for him to check in with Mario. He drove his sword into the heart of a charging Albert and using the Star Trek like pin under his arm teleported away.
And on the main Nintendo ship…
"How does it look like we're doing?" asked Mario watching the battle with Wily.
"I dunno," he replied. "I guess we're doing all right."
"Mario! Mario!" Mario and Dr. Wily turned and saw Link run into the room, his eyes frantic.
"Yes Link? How are we doing?"
"Well…. We're being cut down somewhat."
"Well we knew there'd be a few weak links in the group. How many of us are left?"
"Um…about a hundred."
"A HUNDRED?! FROM 2000?!?!?!?!"
"Yeah."
"SON OF A BITCH!! WELL WHAT ABOUT THE GUYS WHO ARE STILL LEFT?! HOW ARE THEY DOING?"
"I give us another hour."
"ANOTHER HOUR!?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"So, should we retreat?"
"YES!! NOW!!"
"Gotcha. I'll go fire the retreat flares."
"GOOD! THANK YOU!" Link walked out quickly, wondering if Mario was upset with him.
"Remember what your doctor said about stress?"
"YES! BUT I LIKE YELLING!"
"Anyway…we need to figure out a plan now. I recommend we get them to gather and take them out."
"WE DON'T LASERS STRONG ENOUGH TO KILL THEM ALL IN ONE CLEAN SWOOP SO WE PROBABLY WOULDN'T GET THEM ALL!"
"Well we have hostages…we could let them come to us. We can pick them off like flies then."
"FINE. DOESN'T SEEM LIKE WE HAVE A LOT OF OTHER OPTIONS DO WE?"
"No. It seems not."
"THEN LET'S GET READY. BUT BEFORE WE DO, WILY?"
"Yes?"
"PUSH THE BUTTON." Wily nodded and pushed the button as the two left.
Back on the ground…
"They're gone…" said Fei.
"We got screwed out of killing them AGAIN," cried Gabe.
"Seems like it," sighed Citan. "They also have several of our own hostage."
"They're expecting us to run in there," replied Cloud. "So we need to wait a few hours and attack out of nowhere."
"Sure. It's been a whole two hours since we last went into your mansion to plan something."
"I think they just keep using it as an excuse to show off their house," remarked Billy as everyone made their way to the mansion.
"Do we even have enough room for all the wrestlers?" asked Vincent.
"Sure…."
End.
This chapter sure sucked didn't it? Man I can't fucking write…I'm depressed now…the whole lot of you can just burn in hell.
Seriously, I didn't like the end result of this chapter much but oh well it's needed to continue the saga which now has but two parts left in it. Thanks for reading and let me know if you liked it.