Another BatPig Adventure
King Weregarurumon
Where you can enjoy insanity in five new fruity
flavors.
A/N: This may be the weirdest thing I ever write.
I'm entering this contest because I love BatPig and all of his eccentric escapades.
So now I'm going to try my hand at it! I hope it turns out good.
Gotham
City. A city filled with unmentionable evils and troubles. A city so horrible,
that they charge $2.50 for a half – decent cream cheese bagel and watery
coffee. Yes, a whole two dollars and fifty cents, and that is only half the
evil. It's also filled with Bishónen hunting, leotard wearing, bad accent
wielding villains. Who's the only person who can protect the citizens of
Gotham? BatPig, the only digimon in Gotham who's crazy enough to even try. Oh
yeah, there's the Alliance, a super powered team who do most of the work, but
this tale isn't about them.
At
Turkey Hall Manor, home to the BatPig team, Patamon sat contented in his giant
couch, munching on a bag of Skittles, watching a bootlegged version of The
Mummy, starring Mummymon and Aracnemon (Never Arukenimon).
"I'm
glad you told me to rent this movie, baby," Patamon said seductively. He slyly moved
over to the BLT sandwich he was talking. The sandwich couldn't object, seeing
how it wasn't even alive. "I hope all the big explosions and fighting scenes
don't scare you… much." Patamon casually tossed the half full bag of Skittles
onto the floor, then moved closer to the BLT sandwich. "Do you mind if I dim
the lights? No, you don't?" Patamon immediately dimmed the lights to almost
pitch black.
At
the same moment, Joe, the ever - faithful butler of Turkey Hall Manor entered
the room, searching for a broom and disinfectant. Tai had somehow snuck into
the Turkey Hall Manor, blabbering about Tokomon inhabiting his hair and
glomping his legs to death, and made a large mess when he mistaken a bowl for a
Tokomon. It was very, very, messy.
No
later did he enter the room did he trip on the bag of Skittles, the rainbow
pieces scattering all over the floor. Luckily, Joe broke his fall with his
back. "Where did this bag of half empty Skittles come from?" Joe bemoaned as he
picked a lime Skittle from inside his ear.
"Joe,
can you quiet down? Me and Brenda are trying to enjoy a movie!" Patamon
squealed. He then spied the scattered Skittles. "Geez Joe, you're so messy.
Clean that up will you?"
Joe
finally shook the final remnants of Skittles from inside his hair as he walked
over to the couch. "Who's Brenda?" he questioned. He saw the BLT sandwich next
to Patamon and said, "There's my BLT sandwich!" He then took up the sandwich
and commenced to take a large bite out of it.
Patamon
gave Joe a look of complete horror. "Joe! You're eating Brenda! How could you,
you…you…beast!" With that, Patamon smacked the sandwich out of Joe's mouth with
complete disgust. He fluttered over to the carcass of Brenda, who held in his
three - toed hands. "Why Brenda? WHY?!?!"
After
cleaning up the Skittles and the kitchen, Joe dragged himself up the stairs, he
was so doggone tired. As he crept closer, he heard Biyomon and Wizardmon, AKA
BatPig Girl and Dead Wonder (Although he isn't even dead), arguing over
something. As Joe crept closer, the conversation became clearer.
"Wizardmon,
how could you get it stuck?!" Biyomon squawked angrily.
"Quiet
Bird! It's all your fault, you did entice me!" Wizardmon shouted back. "Now
look what happened!"
"I
ENTICE you?! You wanted to do it all along, you were just too scared to go on
with it!"
"Well,
we're both part of it now. What do we do now?"
"What
do you mean what do we do now? YOU have to get it out!"
"Me?
You shoved it in!"
"With
your help!"
"Fine.
Let's both get it out. On the count of three…one…two…three!"
Joe
heard loud grunts and groans come both digimon as they tried to get whatever
was stuck unstuck. Joe barged inside, hoping to catch both digimon unawares.
"Ah
ha!" Joe shouted, jumping into the bathroom.
"Ah
ha what?" Biyomon asked innocently.
"Ah
ha I know what you two were doing!" Joe shouted.
"Ah
ha what are you babbling about Joe?" Wizardmon asked plainly.
"Ah
ha…uh, why do I keep starting my sentences with ah ha?" Wizardmon and Biyomon
shrugged their shoulders, to the best of their ability anyway. "Anyway, you two
were doing the…you know…the Birdramon and the HoneyBeemon."
Biyomon
and Wizardmon gave Joe blank stares, and exchanged blank looks with each other.
Then it hit them.
"Ah
cripes! I told you to keep that medicine cabinet closed!" Wizardmon yelled,
partially covered in Advil bottles and boxes.
"It's
not my fault!" Biyomon yelled back, trying to make her way across a sea of
Nyquil, day and nighttime versions. "So, what were you talking about Joe?"
Joe
finally made his way through a mountain of Digimon shaped vitamins. "Forget
it," he said. "I am curious though. Just WHAT were you to doing?"
"Oh us?"
Biyomon asked. "We wanted to see how much stuff we could shove in the toilet."
"So
far, seven combs, a dictionary, a bag filled with marbles, two tires, and a
globe fit inside," Wizardmon counted.
"We're
adding pillows next," Biyomon added, somehow holding two pillows with her
wings.
All
Joe could do is twitch his eyebrow, which was twitching something freaky.
"What's
your problem Joe? You're acting as if we flooded the darned thing!" Biyomon
screeched.
"You
DID flood the toilet!" Joe screamed, pointing at his wet pants leg.
Biyomon
look down, and true to Joe's word, her own little claws were submersed in
toilet water, and not the type used in those perfumes. "What do you know, we
did flood the toilet!" Biyomon calmly noticed. "Come on Wizardmon, let's drop
pennies off the roof and see how many people we can hit!"
"If I
see Matt, can I hit him with a bowling ball?"
"Only
if I get to burn your posters of Hermoine and Magic Clef."
"You
wouldn't!"
"I
would. You're messing with one ornery bird. Do be a dear Joe and clean up this
mess, will you?" With that, Biyomon left with a sulking Wizardmon to endanger
the lives of the people they were sworn to protect.
And
with that, Joe, up to his waist in toilet water, eyebrows still twitching something
freaky, picked up a mop and grudgingly started his work.
After
cleaning up the bathroom and taking care off Davis' goggles, which were hit
with a rogue penny, Joe finally escaped to his room, a tiny little closet. Why
a little closet for Joe when he could have a large room in that oversized
mansion? Well, it seems that he's allergic to all of those other rooms! So, he
has to settle for the tiny, cramped closet, where his bed is actually an
ironing board. Joe dragged himself onto his makeshift bed, carefully put his
glasses away, and immediately fell asleep after a long day of cleaning and
tending to injured goggles.
"JOE!!!"
Patamon whined, waking Joe from his deep sleep. Joe fell out of his bed,
clutching a metal baseball bat, yelling, "Where's the emergency?"
"It's
here," Patamon said, pointing to himself. "I'm hungry."
Joe
sweat dropped. "That's it?" he asked. Patamon nodded. Joe sighed, and then put
on his glasses. "Lead the way."
The two
finally made it to the kitchen, where Joe donned a blue (Not the evil pink)
apron. "So, what do you want?"
Patamon
took a moment to seriously consider this and finally said, "Just tell me what
types you can make."
"Well…how
about a tuna fish sandwich?"
"Nope."
"Peanut
butter and jelly?"
"No."
"How
about a hero?"
At
that very moment, someone rang the doorbell. Joe, being the responsible butler
he is, went and answered the door.
Before
the door stood a gigantic Gundam, and in its hands stood Heero, Bishónen
nutcase. "Um, excuse me," he started, "did you just call me?"
"Nope."
"Great,
I'm missing Hannibal for nothing!"
Joe quickly closed the door before the Bishónen
nutcase turned his anger on him and turned him into a toasty little Digidestined.
Joe quickly went back to the kitchen and continued to interview Patamon.
"How
about those little pizza bagels?"
"Oh,
I really like those! No."
"How
about a buttered up Kaiser roll?"
Once again,
the doorbell rang. Joe again left and answered the doorbell, only to see the
Digimon Kaiser standing there.
"You!
The geek scum – filth!" he spat, "did you just call me?"
Joe
promptly closed the door in the Kaiser's face, despite the death threats from
the Kinky One. He removed is glasses, massaged the bridge of his nose, and
placed his glasses back on. He promptly headed back toward the kitchen, where
he saw Patamon toasting a piece of bread in the toaster. "Patamon," he asked
tiredly, "what are you doing now?"
"I've
decided to get some plain toast," he said, aforementioned toast in a little
saucer. "Thanks for everything!" Patamon then fluttered off to his room. Joe's
eyebrow started to twitch again, both of them in fact, as he went back to his
room. After a few minutes of calming Buddhist mantras, Joe finally fell asleep.
That is until Patamon came into the room with a gigantic bullhorn.
"JOE!"
Patamon yelled, effectively scaring the sanity out of our humble Digidestined.
He jumped three and half feet in the air and crashed to the floor. "ARE YOU
AWAKE?" Patamon yelled through the bullhorn again.
"Now
I am!" Joe yelled back, searching the floor for his glasses. He finally found
them and placed them lopsided on his face.
"I
NEED A FAVOR FROM YOU!" Patamon squealed. His high - pitched squeal, magnified
100 times by the bullhorn, shattered the fragile lens of Joe's glasses. Joe's
poor little heart broke when he saw his favorite (And right now, only
available) glasses shatter.
"You
don't have to yell through the bullhorn anymore! I'm right here!" Joe snapped
angrily.
Patamon
quickly shut off the bullhorn. "Geez, no need to yell at me." Patamon then
pulled out the saucer with the toasted bread on it. "Joe can you please cut off
the crust?" he asked solemnly.
Veins
broke out all over the forehead and neck of Joe. His face turned red, and
Patamon swore that dark flames danced in his eyes. "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST EAT THE
FREAKING BREAD HOW IT IS?!?!" Joe screamed.
Patamon's
lower lip quivered and his eyes filled with tears. "Well…WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CUT
THE FREAKING CRUST?!?!"
Wait…hold
on…here it comes…
SNAP!
That
did it. Joe's ever so fragile nerves have finally snapped, Patamon's simple
request for him to cut the crust driving him over the edge.
"That's
it!" Joe screamed. He pulled out a shabby suitcase out of a small closet and
placed inside it his meager belongings: clothes, his Lil' Doctor Doctoring kit,
and his allergy medicines. "I've had it with all of this abuse!"
A
sleepy Wizardmon and Biyomon emerged from their rooms, awakened from the inane
yells of Joe. Both wore silk nightgowns, although Wizardmon didn't wear the
blinder (The thing people wear when they go to sleep) that Biyomon wore.
"What's
going on?" Biyomon asked, bumping into a wall. "You guys are interrupting my
beauty sleep."
"And
Goddramon knows that she really needs it," Wizardmon added, his hat askew on
his hair.
SMACK!
Wizardmon
picked himself up off the floor after Biyomon's wing clipped him in the head.
"It's
all Joe's fault. He's whining because I asked him to cut the crust on my
bread," Patamon said. "He's acting like I asked to cut the cheese." The digimon
trio then all laughed at the joke, except for Joe, who was still fuming.
"It's
not funny at all!" Joe raged. "You guys always treat me like garbage! I always
clean up the messes around here, and I'm always used as some cheap comedy
relief! And the worst part is, when you guys have gigantic parties, you never
bring anyone for me to glomp! I mean, how heartless can you be!?"
The
digimon trio stood quiet, no one saying anything. "You're the butler Joe.
You're supposed to be ignored, you're supposed to clean up the messes, you're
supposed to be a cheap excuse for humor, and you're NOT suppose to glomp anyone
at our gigantic parties," Biyomon calmly explained.
"No!"
Joe argued. "I'm a living being, and I'm tired of not getting to glomp anyone
at parties! I mean, even Izzy gets some, and his idea of fun is playing Digital
Jeopardy!"
"Fine,"
Wizardmon said, rubbing his drowsy eyes. "Just stop bitching bitch so we could
get back to sleep."
Joe's
eyes immediately filled with tears at the insult. "How could you call me a
bitch? That's it, I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!" his voice breaking. He
then stomped off and left the mansion, managing to somehow do it all in a
feminine way.
"Thanks
a lot Wizardmon," Biyomon complained. "Now we lost our only butler."
"Relax
Bird," Wizardmon replied, "He'll come back in hours whining how sorry he is and
hoping that we'll forgive him. Now if you excuse, I think I'll go update my
Hermoine Shrine!" With that, Wizardmon ran off to do whatever crap he does when
he's on the Internet.
Biyomon
sighed as she flew back to her room, saying, "He better be right. If my morning
birdseed isn't prepared the right way…" Patamon just shrugged and went to his
room, forgetting about the little piece of toast that caused all this trouble.
But did
the toast forget about them?!?!
Yeah it did, I'm just
fooling with your head.
*
* * * * * * *
In a
darkened movie theater somewhere in the more slummy areas of Gotham, sat of
disgruntled butler Joe. His usually immaculate clothes were crumpled and soaked
in buttered Milk Dudes. His eyes had gigantic rings around them, his hair
filled with assorted candied goods. He mindlessly watched the movie on the
screen, which was very different from what everyone else was doing. Most of
them were doing things that would make this fic NC – 17, or just sleeping in
the many vacant seats.
An
usher walked down the aisles with a flashlight, occasionally poking the
sleeping members with a stick. He finally came down to Joe, who was still
mindlessly watching the movie.
"Uh
sir?" the acne filled face asked, his pre - pubescent voice breaking often.
"Weren't you here for over eight hours?"
Joe
nodded. "So what?" He answered surly. "It's a good movie."
The
usher gave a look of surprise. "But sir, this is the third ****mon movie! Most
people come here to make out or sleep!"
That's
right. Joe's grief was so incredible, so immense, so mind numbing, that he
turned to THAT for comfort. Of course, it had nothing to offer to him except
better animation than the Digimon Adventures movies (But not the Tamers!) and
creatures that stupidly repeated their names all the time.
"I'm
sorry sir, but I am motivated by the eternal code of the Gotham City Movie
Theaters to kick you out!" the pimpled usher recited nobly.
Joe
looked at the scrawny usher and laughed. "Make me," he taunted.
"And
stay out!" our not so scrawny usher yelled, tossing Joe out through the back
door. Joe fell into bags of garbage, the smelly contents spilling onto his
clothes.
And
so Joe left, horrible smells emitting from his clothes and hair, half drunk on
buttered Milk Dudes, and completely miserable. He crashed often and hard, only
to get up again, cursing his luck. Once in a while, some people mistook him for
a bum and dropped money on him, muttering on how badly he needed booze.
So,
with over 100 yen in his pockets, Joe continued his wandering through the city.
He was in the Industrial section, known best for its digimon stickers and colored
gimp. For plot reasons, Joe went into a certain chemical factory, easily
getting past the guards reading Sailor Moon hentai. He crept up the stairs that
looked overlooked all of the chemicals made there. He climbed to the top of the
barricade.
"I'm going
to kill myself," he uttered miserably to himself, preparing to take the plunge.
Of course, I am a Joe fan of sorts, and couldn't bear to see him as nothing
more than a splat on the floor, so I intervene. As Joe prepares to jump, he
forgets to notice that his shoes are untied. So, he slips conveniently into a
drum filled with…oh god…how could I do this to him…what was I thinking…?
CHEMICAL
X!!!!
Fortunately,
the X slips off, and reveals the word DARK in the boldface type. Joe flounders around
for a while, and finally pulls himself up and onto the stairs adjacent to the
cylinder, no longer drunk. After catching his breath, Joe left the factory,
once again undisturbed by hentai reading guards (This time it was Marmalade
Boy).
Joe continued
to wander the streets, his mind considerably clearer. He finally made it to the
suburbia of Gotham, the streets much brighter than before. Joe continued to
walk, until he heard a familiar voice from inside a house.
"So, all I
have to do is press this button and all the dust in the vacuum cleaner just
flies out?" Mimi asked, holding aforementioned vacuum cleaner in her hands.
"Affirmative.
That way, you won't block the airways inside," explained Izzy.
Mimi gave a
little squeal of delight. She kissed Izzy on the head, exclaiming, "Thank you
so much Izzy!" Izzy blushed and said there was nothing to it.
Mimi
pointed the nozzle of the vacuum cleaner outside her window. "Now I can
continue my cleaning!" she said as she prepared to press the button.
"Mimi no!
Don't press the button! You should eject all the dust in a proper receptacle!"
shouted Izzy, but it was too late.
"What was
that Izzy?" Mimi shouted over the roar of the vacuum cleaner.
Joe just
happened to be outside Mimi's window, and before he got a chance to scream, a
week's worth of dust smashed into his face, knocking him to the floor. He
screamed as he tried to wipe it off with a handkerchief.
"I'm going
to burst out in hives! I need my medicines! Help me!" Joe screamed, rolling
around on the floor. He suddenly stopped, and looked around. He then looked at
his dust - covered hands, which were not breaking out in hives. "Hey, I'm not
covered in hives! I'm not allergic to dust!" he yelled, starting to roll around
in the dust like a lunatic. He then realized he wasn't wearing his glasses.
"Hey, I can see without my glasses!" he yelled.
Joe took to
his feet and ran about the streets of Gotham, screaming about how happy he was.
He ran around strolling couples in the park, couples that weren't strolling in
the park, completely ecstatic with his new condition.
His
excitement stopped short when he tripped over a large, black log, sending him
sprawling to the floor. He cursed as he turned around to face the obstruction.
His own eyes popped out of his skull when he saw two brown, mournful eyes
flicker open from the log. A thin, pink tongue slide out of gaping jaw as the
creature yawned, shaking its fur patched head. The creature gave him another
somber gaze as it shakily rose to its feet.
"What do
you know? It's not a log, but a dog," Joe noted, his chest still heaving from
his previous paranoia. "I can't believe I let a dog scared me that much." He
rose to his feet and scratched the area behind the dog's ears. Then, reasons
unknown to Joe, anger flashed in his mind and struck the dog in the spot he was
scratching. The dog gave a sharp yelp and ran off into the opposite direction.
The moment
of ire left Joe as soon as it came, leaving him to stare at his hands. How
could I do that? He thought to himself, his guilty hands shaking. His eyes
dilated as he received a dark epiphany. And why did I enjoy it so much?
Joe's eyes
glittered evilly. They'll pay…the whole lot of them…especially that
pig. Especially him. He really gets on
my nerves, his little high - pitched voice, his stupid fetishes with things
without brain cells…and I'm getting that snotty little wizard too. Thinking
he's better than I am. He'll know the truth when I mercilessly burn his
precious posters and plush dolls. Wait a minute…I'm rambling! My first time not
sneezing and complaining, I'm rambling!! This sucks….go to the next scene blast
it!
* * * * * * * *
Three weeks
passed at the Turkey Hall Manor since the departure of Joe, lone butler and
comedy relief. Wizardmon's prediction did not come true; Joe didn't come back
like a whimpering worm begging to be let back inside. Three weeks passed since
any insane criminals escaped the notorious Asylum. Without the threat of danger
only ludicrous and stupid enough for the BatPig trio to handle, the hero group
stayed at home in total comfort.
"Okay, who
ate the only piece of food left in the house?!" Biyomon screeched.
Well…almost
total comfort.
Patamon
entered the scene with a scowl on his face. "What are you yapping about
Biyomon? There's plenty of food left inside the refrigerator."
Biyomon
opened the fridge door angrily with her wing. "Unless you consider outdated
baking soda and milk edibles, we are totally out of grub," she stated, pointing
inside the empty fridge. Suddenly, a deep gurgling erupted from the bottle of
milk. The top miraculously opened, and a milky arm slithered out. Without even
looking, Biyomon whacked the milky hand right on the knuckles, sending it back
into its bottle.
"Well,"
Patamon started, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "Isn't the fridge always filled
on Wednesdays?"
Biyomon
gave another sigh. "That's before Joe left us, remember? He always filled the
fridge with groceries every Wednesday." That statement left the two silent,
until Wizardmon entered the scene munching on a slice of pumpkin pie.
"Drop that
slice, wizard – boy!" Biyomon shouted as she tackled him into the wall. The
force of the attack jarred the pastry sweet from the grip of his gloved hands.
The slice flew into the air as Magical Games and Spiral Twisters singed the air
and house, miraculously missing the pie. The treasured sweet landed right into
Patamon's chubby hands, which gobbled gratefully
At the
sound of food entering the mouth of another, the two digimon squabbling
previously stopped. Wizardmon released his grip of Biyomon's beak and let the
energy dissipate from his staff as he floated upwards. Biyomon released her
death grip from around his stomach and also fluttered skyward, the fire of
Birdramon flaming in her eyes.
"YOU
PIG!!!" Wizardmon thundered, his staff quickly collecting new energy. "You knew
that was my slice and you voraciously consumed it! For that evil sin, you must
suffer!"
Patamon's
little eyebrows went up in confusion. "Say what?"
"He said
that you ate MY slice like the little pig you are and you going to get
punished," Biyomon explained. "And he's right…except for the fact that it was
my slice of pie, not his." With that, with energy attacks slinging all over the
place, an angered Wizardmon and Biyomon chased a terrified Patamon throughout
their mansion, destroying irreplaceable items and floors. The chase finally led
to the EXTREMELY cluttered living room, boxes and all sorts of trash littering
the place. Patamon quickly leapt inside trash dune, with Biyomon and Wizardmon
hot on his trail.
"I'm gonna
blast 'im!" Wizardmon screamed, cocking his staff like shotgun.
Biyomon
smacked the staff aside. "And set our home on fire? Put that thing away!"
Wizardmon grudgingly put the magical item away. "Besides, when he gets by the
week - old carton of chicken and beef, we'll get him."
True to
Biyomon's words, Patamon did get by the week – old meat, and when he did, he
leapt straight out of the sea of garbage, right into Wizardmon's and Biyomon's
waiting hands…and wings.
"Guys…wait!"
Patamon managed to choke out. "Don't choke me to death! If it wasn't for me and
the BatPig franchise, where would you guys be?"
Biyomon
stopped to ponder on the question. "Yeah, where would we be without Pig – Boy
here?"
Wizardmon
quickly muttered, "Having a life without being ridiculously ridiculed every
other week."
"No really," Biyomon said,
releasing Patamon's neck. "Digimon Adventures ended, and so have our paychecks
from Toei. If it wasn't for Lia and her BatPig stories, we would probably be
homeless and poor."
"I think
being homeless clearly covers the whole poor thing," Wizardmon replied. His
hands dropped from Patamon's non – existent chubby neck. "But you're right. I
never did get much for dying." So the three dropped on their cluttered floor,
unsure of what to do. Suddenly, Wizardmon's stomach growled in hunger.
Biyomon's stomach growled in response, only louder. Soon, the stomachs of the
two digimon bickered in their own weird language, when Patamon's own little
belly echoed the loudest growl and silenced the other.
"Why the
heck is your stomach growling?" Wizardmon spat bitterly. "You ate our only
source of food."
Patamon
gave a bashful shrug. "It awakened me voracious appetite!"
"Been playing
Final Fantasy Nine again, haven't you?" Biyomon bluntly asked, creating origami
goggle boys, and then smashing them with a large origami hammer.
"Yep!!"
Then, for
no particular reason other then for comedy, the three digimon looked at each
other; Biyomon at Patamon, Patamon at Wizardmon, and Wizardmon at Biyomon.
Biyomon licked her hungry beak as she imagined a roasted and glazed Patamon
stuffed with an apple. Wizardmon drooled as he imagined Biyomon baked and
filled with Stove Top Stuffing. Patamon panted as he imagined millions of
sugary Wizardmons and Phantomons floating in a sea of milk.
"Patamon,
please stop pouring milk on my legs," Wizardmon demanded, already squeezing
excess milk out of it.
"I just
wanted to see if you'll make it pink like it does when I have cereal," Patamon
pouted.
"Guys, this
is crazy!" Biyomon shouted. "We're driving each other nuts, and we have no
food! We have to do something about." She let it sink in for her comrades
before continuing. "Any ideas?"
"We could turn Matt into a rat
and make him run a never – ending Labyrinth of Doom," Wizardmon suggested.
"No!"
"We could
shave Matt, burn his clothes, cover him in honey, and set him loose in a rabid
mob of hormone – crazed teenage girls."
"No!"
Patamon was
about to add his thoughts, when he saw a sign that refused to grace the trio in
weeks. "Come on guys," Patamon shouted, pointing at the BatPig sign, "we've
work to do!" The other two nodded in agreement and headed toward their
secret…compartment thingy. You know, where they slide down the poles and land
completely dressed in their individual cowls and such.
Wizardmon
landed first, followed by Biyomon, dressed in their specialized costumes.
Patamon finally landed, his own costume scaring the heck out his comrades.
"Sorry I
took so long," Patamon started apologetically, "but it took me a while to
squeeze into my costume. I guess I gained a lot of weight." He then saw the
weird stares his partners were giving him. "What? Something on my face?"
Wizardmon
covered his mouth as his laughter started to leak out. "If you don't mind me
asking, but did you wax and shave before you came down here?"
Patamon
lifted his eyebrow in confusion. "Wax and shave? Wizardmon, you're not making
any sense at all, even less than usual."
Biyomon
nudged Wizardmon in the ribs. "If I knew we were going to the beach, I would
have packed some suntan lotion and an umbrella!" She laughed.
"What the
heck are you guys laughing about?!" Patamon yelled. Biyomon managed to point a
trembling wing at Patamon's costume before collapsing in laughter again.
Patamon looked down, and scared himself. Instead of his usual cowls and cape,
he was clad in a small, pink, bikini combo. Patamon blushed heavily, and rushed
off to quickly change. After a few moments, Patamon came back, finally clad in
the proper cowls and cape. He angrily glared at Biyomon and Wizardmon, who
simply smiled in response. The trio jumped into the BatPig mobile, and sped off
toward the Commissioner's.
* * * * * * * *
The BatPig
trio opened the doors to Commissioner Sora's large police station. Being the
important being they were, they quickly made their way to her office. They
knocked twice and entered in.
"Hello
BatPig, Dead Wonder, BatPig Girl." Sora welcomed them from her desk. She
motioned them to sit down, and they did so. "I did call you, for two specific
reasons." She left her desk and paced around them. "As you do know, crime has
been at an all – time low, non – existent in fact. This is because-"
There was a
sudden polite knock on the door. All three mons and single human stopped in
conversation and turned toward the door. The door opened and Palmon AKA Poison
Ivy walked in, dressed in a simple black suit.
"What are
you doing here?!" Patamon shouted as he vaulted off his chair. He crashed into
her stomach, as Wizardmon and Biyomon got ready to blast her.
"What are
you doing?" Sora asked as she moved in front of Palmon protectively. "She's my secretary!
And the best one at that! She actually does the work!"
Wizardmon
lowered his staff to his side. "What are you talking about? That talking ganja
plant is a known menace to this whole city! We should smoke her right here and
now! No pun intended."
Sora gave
him an incredulous glare as she said, "Are you insane? Palmon may have had a
criminal record in the past, but she has truly reformed! That's the other thing
I wanted to speak to you about.
"A few days
after your last escapade, I received word that something weird was going on at
Arkam. I went myself, and was surprised to see that all of our villains have
totally changed their ways! We gave them hundreds of IQ and personality tests,
but all we know is that something major has changed in their minds.
"Pane, the
Gazimon whose accent was as dangerous as his strength, turned into a
construction worker, completing buildings by himself in two days. Jun and
Yolei, the Bishónen – hunting duo, run a psycho – analysis center. Catwomon AKA
Gatomon even runs our Correctional Facilities!"
"But what
caused all this?" Wizardmon asked. "Most of these villains are insane
individuals whose brain matter are smaller than my pinky."
Sora
shrugged in response. "Who knows? The second thing I wanted to talk to you
about is actually about you guys."
"About
time!" Patamon yelled, furious at being ignored for so long.
Sora rolled
her eyes and said, " At exactly 12 noon, a Leomon passed by and dropped off a
telegram that was for you guys."
"Then, why
didn't the person mail it directly to us? I mean, our address is in the phone
book," Biyomon added, holding up a copy of the Yellow Pages.
"We thought
at first that it was a bomb, but it wasn't luckily. So, I decided to bring you
guys here so you could read it." Sora held her hand out, and Palmon put an
envelope in her hands. She placed it in Wizardmon's hands, him being the only
digimon with fingers and thumbs.
Dear BatPig
Trio,
I have been
graced to know the three of you; Patamon, Wizardmon, and Biyomon, personally.
Although you may not remember my identity at the present moment, it will become
clearer if you come to my mansion on the outskirts of town. I await your
presence.
Anonymous
"He knows
us personally, huh?" BatPig said, rubbing his chin with his
paw…er…hand…er…upper appendage. "It could be any number of people, evil or
good."
"I guess it
wouldn't hurt to go," Biyomon said. "I mean, how many traps have we walked into
and walked out of unscathed?"
"I guess that
decides it!" BatPig said, already racing out the door. "We've a trap to walk
into!"
*
* * * * * * *
The BatPig
mobile finally stopped on the rocky outskirts of Gotham City, the approaching
dusk streaking the sky with reds and purples. Our heroes stepped out, and
stared at the enormous edifice in front of them, the pillars and triangular
roof giving it an elegant and stylish flair.
"This must
be the place," Wizardmon stated, eyes still on the building, "it's the only
building for miles around."
"It must
have taken millions to build this place up," Biyomon noted. "Who ever this
place belongs to must be loaded."
"Well,"
BatPig started, "we won't find out until we go inside, will we?" He started
toward the mansion with an audacious swagger.
"What's got
him so cocky all of a sudden?" Biyomon asked, fluttering toward the mansion
herself.
"While we
were driving here, he saw a bag of groceries that was quote 'Bootylicious!'"
"So it's
agreed then. No more Hot 97 for him."
Wizardmon
nodded his head in agreement and the two followed Patamon, Wizardmon walking
and Biyomon flying.
When the
two got there, BatPig was floating in front of a rigid Leomon, who was standing
guard at the majestic door.
"Patamon,
what are you doing?" Wizardmon irritably asked, his Charlie Horses developing
Charlie Horses from the rapid hiking.
"Teasing
this Leomon," he answered, pulling down his lower eyelid and sticking out his
tongue. "He can't see me or anything I do!"
Patamon was
indeed correct. The normally warm eyes of Leomon were completely blanked out by
a cold sea of white, his pupils completely blanketed.
"That's where you're wrong," the Leomon
suddenly growled, surprising the group and making BatPig cower on the spot. "I can
see what you doing!" His hands went to his eyes, and he removed the contacts he
was wearing. Leomon's sharp blue eyes punctured the cold void of white. "The
Master, for reasons unknown, prefers us to wear these."
"This
Master of yours," Biyomon started, "he invited us here, didn't he?"
Leomon
studied the group thoroughly before answering. "You three must be the Trio he
speaks about," he said, a hint of slight disgust in his voice. "Yes, he did
invite the three of you here tonight, for reasons that must confuse Goddramon
himself. Please follow me," the Leomon turned around sharply and opened the
door, not looking back to see if the three followed himself inside. The trio,
after some quick deliberation, followed their stoic guide.
The group
walked through a series of stairs, admiring the fine art on the walls, and
oriental rugs covering the vast halls. The BatPig Trio remained quiet as they
walked the quiet and empty walls, tensing for the slightest moment of danger.
The Leomon finally stopped outside a particularly large door, barricaded with a
wooden shaft. "The Master is waiting for you outside." He removed the shaft
from the groove and opened the door for them.
The cool
evening air blasted them as all three mons stepped outside. The roof, in contrast
to the inside, was vacant and plain, only a few air shafts and generators
dotting the area. On the edge of the roof stood a human figure, clad in a
striped white suit. As Wizardmon stepped over the threshold of the door, it
slamming shut. BatPig and BatPig Girl looked back in surprise as Wizardmon
tried to blast the door open.
"Your
actions are in vain Wizardmon," the lone stranger said. His face still hidden,
the stranger remarked, "I reinforced it with an alloy of Digital Chromozoid and
Titanium. I doubt even the power of your magical attacks could scratch it."
Wizardmon
sent another Thunder Ball toward the door, only to see it ricochet toward the
sky. "Who are you, and what do you want with us?"
The
stranger waved away the question with his hand. "You're still as impatient as
usual dead Wonder. Before you know who I am, I'm extending a proposition."
"What's it
about?" Biyomon asked.
"Well, you
either join me, or you'll share the fate of this entire city. Of course, if you
join me, you'll be brainless and stupid lackeys…an improvement for Patamon I
believe."
"Hey!"
Patamon shouted, shaking his fist in anger. "You watch out what you say to
me! And what's the fate of the city
you're yapping about?"
A low
chuckle echoed from the stranger. "You haven't figured it out? I'm surprised.
Haven't you had enough clues?"
"What
clues?"
"The docile
Leomon working for me, the suddenly 'reformed' criminals…"
The group
was silent, each trying to figure it out. Wizardmon's eyes opened wide as he
realized the dastardly plan. "You couldn't…!"
"I will and
can!" the stranger retorted. "I've temporarily drugged the criminals of Arkam
to become law – abiding citizens. However, in about five minutes, the effects of
the drugs will wear off, and the very same criminals who drastically changed
their lives will wreck pandemonium everywhere!!"
"But why?"
Biyomon asked. "It's definitely not going to benefit you any!"
A sinister
smile lit up on the criminal's face. "If it's ruining your lives, it'll
definitely benefit my life."
"What do
you have against us?" Patamon asked.
The
criminal stepped out of the darkness, the soft moonlight falling on his young
face, reflecting of his glasses. His blue hair rested peacefully around his
neck, its sheen giving his face an almost angelic look. That is, until you
looked at his eyes. His dark eyes glittered brightly, full of malice and
malevolence.
"Henry
Wong?! What are you doing here? Get back to Tamers!" Patamon demanded. The
stranger face vaulted.
"I'm not
Henry! I'm a good two years older than him!"
"That guy
who was on that loser show Kong?"
"No!! It's
Joe!" Joe revealed himself to be. "You know, the butler you drove insane with
your inane behaviors and demands? The guy you always joked about?"
"Oh!"
"Anyway,
I've got everything against you. In order to finance my schooling, I became
your butler. But, from that moment, you only verbally abused and never let me
GLOMP anyone!"
"You're
still whining about that?" Wizardmon asked incredulously. "Geez boy, do what
other normal teenagers do; download hentai!"
"That's not
the point!" Joe yelled. "Just know that I'm going to exact my revenge on you by
killing you." Two large hypodermic needles slipped put of Joe's sleeves and
into his hands. Biyomon's eyes opened wide in fear.
"No way I'm
getting stabbed in the butt again!" she shrieked as volleys of needles crashed
around her. She leapt behind an airshaft and cowered in fear.
"At least
he didn't pull them from his butt like someone else!" Patamon screamed as he
and Wizardmon joined Biyomon behind the airshaft. Every time Wizardmon tried to
return fire, another wave of needles overpowered him.
"What are we
going to do?" Biyomon asked. "I'd check my utility belt, but there's always
stupid crap in it!"
"It's the
only thing we have right now!" Patamon shouted. "Let's see… BatPig Watch,
BatPig autograph, BatPig flashlight, BatPig Flavored Gatorade, BatPig gum…the
usual crap! Why can't we get anything good?!"
Wizardmon
thought for a moment, and then a light bulb appeared above his head. "Hey,
what's this for?" he asked as he pressed a switch on the side. The light bulb
came on and Wizardmon exclaimed, "I've got it!" He emptied the gum out of his
utility belt and pelted at Patamon. "Listen Pig! Chew all the gum, NOW!!"
Patamon
quickly shoved gum into his mouth, mumbling, "Fine, don't chew my head
off." He chewed for several minutes
until Wizardmon demanded for him to spit the gum out. Attaching the pink and
wet substance to the tip of his staff. "Thunder…" he chanted, the heat from the
attack filling the bubble gum. Beads of sweat dropped from his forehead as he
concentrated on not releasing the attack. The bubble gum bubble reached optimum
size and Wizardmon shouted, "Hey Joe, I've got something for you!"
Joe stopped
his attack to speak. "What is it mage?"
Wizardmon
leapt up onto the needle – riddled airshaft. "Game!" he shouted, the charged
attack knocking him off his feet as it sped toward Joe. Joe chuckled as he
handled his hypodermic needles as shurikens. He deftly tossed one at the
speeding bubble, which exploded on contact. The gum exploded everywhere,
covering everything. Joe stayed trapped under a sheet of pink bubble gum,
unable to move.
"Good work
Dead Wonder!" Patamon cried as he moved himself from his hiding spot. BatPig
moved toward the entrapped villain and removed the gum around his face. "We
defeated you Joe! Give it up!"
Joe
continued to struggle under the sticky net. "It may be so, but in only a few
moments, the whole city of Gotham will be overrun with insane criminals, and
there is nothing you can do about it!"
"Maybe they
can't do anything about it, but we certainly did!" a mysterious voice shouted.
Five silhouettes suddenly hopped out of the sky. "All of those deranged
lunatics are safely behind bars!"
"The
Alliance! Curses, I can't believe I forgot about you!" Joe shouted.
"Sorry we
didn't come earlier, but we were investigating a crime spree involving an
International German Chocolate Festival," Kaiser explained.
"Well, what
do you know! Lia, Matt, Boss Reo, Wormmon, Phantomon, and Willis went to the
same Festival! In fact, they were supposed to come back today," Wizardmon
explained. "I wonder if you guys met them along the way."
BatPig
pulled his handcuffs from behind his back. "Well, it doesn't matter, because we
solved the case without your help, so there!" BatPig pulled down his eyelid and
stuck out his tongue. "I guess this just proves that we, in fact, are superior
to you in almost everyway…" he taunted.
"Oh do shut
the **** up BatPig," DarkSycthe replied. "Now, if you excuse me, Willis and I
have two tons of pure German Chocolate to get rid off," he said with a devious
and lusty smile before leaping off into the darkness, his blond companion
following him.
"That's
right!" Fallen Angel said. "We have our own chocolate to get rid off, don't we
Kaiser?" Kaiser blushed heavily before the two ran off to carry out their own
little devious plans.
"Kinky bastards,"
Wizardmon muttered under his breath, until he realized that Phantomon was
practically living on his skin. "Gah! What do you want?!"
Phantomon's
eyes slitted seductively. "Want to help me get rid of my chocolate?"
Wizardmon
gave a hapless glance to BatPig, who could only sweat drop, and to BatPig Girl,
who could only shrug.
"Something
tells me this is going to be a long night."
*
* * * * * * *
To
make a long story shorter, a lot of stuff happened after this certain
adventure. I'll just list it so you guys can know.
Patamon AKA BatPig:
Is now dating a bucket of KFC
chicken
No longer listens to Hot 97
Privately runs a bootleg video
company, financing his affluent albeit weird ways. He employs digimon who
generally get ignored or killed
Biyomon AKA BatPig Girl:
Only digimon who can control the
living being inside the milk bottle
Recovering from a panic attack
when she accidentally walked in Doctor's office
Constantly flames the Perdue Company
Played a role in the next Final
Fantasy movie as the Queen chocobo
Wizardmon AKA Dead Wonder
Trying to change his super hero
name
Counts on his fingers and toes
the days until the Harry Potter movie comes
Avoids eating pumpkin pie around
Biyomon
Was sued by Russia for
destroying a satellite
Joe
After being detoxified from
Chemical Dark, returned to being BatPig's butler. Took Wizardmon's advice and
now owns a hentai collection surpassing the ones of Daemon and Oiwaka
Avoids bread and sandwiches of
all types
Phantomon
Dips his Wizardmon plushie into melted chocolate, thinking of what could have
been
Piece of toast
??????????????????????????????????
There! After an agonizing 4 weeks, this is finally
done! Man, I never thought this would become so much. How does Lia do it?
Anyway, this would have been in earlier, but the incidents on 9-11-01 really
messed things up. Luckily, no one close to me was hurt, but I spent a lot of
time consoling people and donating and such.
This next
thing from me will probably be either a songfic or another chapter for my
Tamers fic. I'm not going to do anything for Myotismon Revenge's for a while
because of what's been happening. But, it'll be a doozy, believe me, and the
one after that will be even better.
