Final Fantasy 7-#20
No need for a conclusion!
The final chapter in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga
Written by Gabe Ricard
Disclaimer: With the exception of my indulgent, egotistical self-insertion character I own nothing so don't sue.
Here it is at long last, the final chapter in the Nintendo Strikes Back saga. This is by far the longest thing I have ever written. I really enjoyed putting this entire little epic of mine out. When I wrote this four years ago this was my ultimate goal and I just wanted to thank those of you have stuck through this series from it's days of horrible, egotistical self indulgence to minor self indulgence. Sit back and enjoy the conclusion to the saga.
"Wow…spacious."
"You already said that Steve."
"Well…it is." The three found themselves looking up an imposing flight of metal stair that seemed to go up forever. Surrounding them was a massive boiler room. Cloud wondered if this boiler room made the ship really bottom-heavy.
"So, where do you think these stairs go?" wondered Fei to no on in particular.
"Up."
"Ha, ha Cloud."
"Let's go and be careful. God knows what could be at the top of these stairs." Stone Cold and Fei nodded and began walking up the stairs. Cloud was having flashbacks to a similar experience at Shinra a few years ago. The end of the stairs saw a large deck with a door that fit with the rest of the settings rather well. They opened the door and were greeted with a dozen ninjas that looked as if they had been pumped with several thousand steroids.
"We been waiting for you," growled the ninja at the front of the group. His eyes squinted to give the impression he and the others meant business.
"You have?"
"Oh come on. You knew it was a crappy plan as soon as we got here. Let's just kick their asses and get on."
"Fine with me," Fei threw himself onto the front ninja and started laying in the lefts and rights, overcoming him quickly and smashing his head into a wall. Fei turned around and threw a left at another. By now Steve Austin and Cloud threw themselves into the fight and were tearing apart the thugs at record pace. Within minutes, they were all finished and the three heroes moved on. Cloud was about to reach over and open the door at the end of the hallway but was stopped by Austin.
"Lemme handle that." The Texas Rattlesnake stood back and kicked the door twice as it didn't budge. "Son of a bitch."
Fei rolled his eyes, "I'll do it." Fei seemed to lose himself in concentration for a moment before standing back and in a single kick crushing the door in two. Cloud whistled impressively and walked through.
"I softened it up for you," muttered Steve looking down.
"Sure," Fei chuckled and followed.
"Hey, this rooms all dark." Cloud felt around the wall to see if he could find the switch but was unable. The lights burst on and in front of them stood another dozen ninjas. One of them appearing to be eight feet tall and weigh several hundred pouds.
"What is this? The obstacle course from hell?"
"Sure feels like it."
And on the battlefield below…
"WHERE ARE YOU CLOUD!?" Sagat gave crushing jab Matt Hardy's throat then pressed him and threw him into a truck before returning to his search for a man he wanted to extract revenge on. He saw Jeff Hardy coming at him and clotheslined him nearly taking his head off. Farther to the left, Tifa was leaning against a car holding her ribs and breathing heavy. Her entire body felt drained and she didn't think she could move another inch. It didn't really seem to matter as Sabin was closing in on her with his chain saw.
"This looks like the end," Tifa thought clenching her teeth. Suddenly Edgar burst into flames and fell to the ground screaming. Tifa saw that standing near him was Aeris who looked better then anyone else Tifa had seen in the battle.
"You owe me so badly," smirked Aeris.
"Bah. Cure me and we'll see." Aeris nodded and cast Pulse of Life restoring Tifa's strength. She had wanted to cast Great Gospel at several points in the battle but knew she would catch some of the Nintendo fighters as she did so decided it was useless. She continued to cast it on herself while she moved through the battle and healed anyone who was badly injured and still alive. She didn't know if any member of Avalanche had a Phoenix Down on them so she was only able to heal those who were still alive.
"Now you owe me."
"Whatever. Thanks," Tifa put her hands into battle stance and charged back into the battle flooring an upright Yoshi who had been trying to stuff Yuffie down his throat with a roundhouse kick. Cait Sith was handling Banjo and Kazooie with ease but an interception from Triple H who broke off Kazooie's beak and cut open Banjo's skull with it. Hunter wound back and fired in some lefts and rights then kicked him back to Cait who clawed his eyes out and jumped back onto the moggle. Seconds later he was attacked by a beakless, bleeding Kazooie who he quickly overcame by wrapping a dice shaped grenade around him and throwing him away. Triple H snapped Banjo's neck then tossed him aside and noticed Sagat and zeroed in.
"I really don't belong here," grumbled Tosha hitting Celes in the back of the head with a baseball bat. Over to her left, Bruce Willis and Billy were standing back to back shooting anything that even looked as if it belonged to Nintendo.
Gabe pulled the gunblade out of E Honda's heart and feeling extremely pleased with himself looked for someone else. Seeing Turok Gabe attempted to sneak up on him from behind but sensing him with ease, Turok spun around and drove a hunting knife into his shoulder then kicked him to the ground. Turok readied his bow but before he could fire, Undertaker nailed him with a running big foot and proceeded to pick him up and give him a Last Ride several hundred feet into the ground. Taker reached down and helped Gabe to his feet. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
Back on Nintendo's ship…
"Hey!" exclaimed Link. "What the fuck are they doing out of the cell?" all of Mario's chosen few to stay aboard the ship jumped to attention at the site of Barret, Elly and the others who stopped dead in their tracks.
"TOLD YOU we should have taken a left," growled Barret to Rico.
"Oh shut up."
"Mario's not going to like this," warned Samsus.
"Well we don't have time to go tell him! Let's just take these guys out and get ready for the others." Link drew his sword and ran towards Rico who punched Link in the jaw and sent him flying back, finally prompting everyone else to break out in battle.
"Well I guess that does it for the hostages," Cloud remarked.
"Seems like it. Should we help them?"
"I guess so," Cloud charged at Samsus who had blasted Elly into the wall and drove the sword into her back. Stone Cold ducked Simon Belmont and gave him a resounding stunner causing him to fly back into a Big Shot from Barret.
Link watched the battle going on and knew they were finished. Wiping the blood from his lip, Link slipped behind the door and headed for Mario's office.
Checking in on the battle field…
Bart shot his whip out and snapped Megaman X in the face. X snarled and aimed his blaster to fire back but in a flash of light, his gun arm fell to the ground. "What the-?!" he turned around to see Citan holding his sword across from his face. Before X could say something witty Citan leaped into the air and drove the sword into Megaman X's chest in a single stabbing motion the sword poking out through X's spine. X pushed himself off the sword and turned to retreat only to get finished off with a Dragon Dive from Cid. Who immediately went back into the main area of battle? Nintendo's numbers were now down to about 30.
Mario's office…
"You're full of shit."
"No, YOU'RE full of shit."
"Neil Young did not co-write Streets of Philadelphia with Bruce Springsteen!"
"He did too!" snapped Dr. Wily. "He put together the soundtrack and helped Bruce write the song for it! I saw it on VH1."
"Whatever," Mario the second Link burst into the office scaring the hell out of Mario and Wily. "T-the hostages escaped! And the guys below are dropping like flies!"
"Do we have anyone left?!"
"The… uh… personal on all the ships."
"Good! send them into battle."
"Are you sure you want-"
"NOW!"
Three minutes later…
"Well?"
"The personal are dead. And we now have no one to fly the ships."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!!"
"Can't we fly the ship?" inquired Dr. Wily.
"No…we…um…cut the budget for training all the employees. We just killed everyone that could potentially fly any of these three ships."
"Wonderful," he turned to Dr. Wily. "Head to the engine room and program the thirty minute detination for all three ships. It's time to cut our losses."
"What about the others below?"
"Fuck them. We need to worry about ourselves. Let's head out of here."
"Should one of us get your wife on the way?"
"She's smart enough to figure it out. Let's go!"
Elsewhere on the ship…
The moment Rico was shot in the face and chest by Megaman and Samsus. The lights went out and were replaced with a mixture of darkness and a flashing red light. An annoying beeping sound added to the atmosphere.
This ship will self-destruct in thirty minutes
"Well this brings the day down," Simon shook his head as he tried to tighten his whip around Clouds neck.
"Pika! Pika!"
"Damn right. Let's kill these guys and get out of he-omf!" Simon was cut short as Red drove his head into his stomach. Then used his back legs to push himself up and kick Simon in the face.
"Things are not looking good," thought Megaman who sprung a quick makeshift plan in his mind and shot four smoke bombs onto the ground, creating a cloud of smoke that made it impossible to see anything other then shadows.
"There he goes," Cloud ran after the shadow he believed to be Megaman and found himself running down a smoke free hallway. He did not see Megaman but heard something from the door nearby and with hand clenched tightly on his sword swung the door open and with all the caution he could muster, walked through the door.
"Shit!" Mario stopped dead in his tracks and stared open-mouthed at Cloud.
"So you're Mario? Damn you're pudgy."
"At least I don't look like I'm auditioning for Dragonball Z!"
"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"
"Never!"
"TAKE IT BACK!"
Mario created a large, ominous fireball in his right hand, "Make me."
"Arghhhh!!!!" Cloud raised his gunblade high and swung with evil intentions at Mario who jumped out of the way and threw the fireball he had conjured moments ago. Cloud jumped back to avoid it but fell against the wall. Mario seized the advantage and propelled himself like a cannonball into Cloud's chest. For added punishment as Mario sprang to normal standing he gave Cloud a quick 1-2 punch combo and landed a few feet in front of him. Not even taking time to see if Mario had drawn blood with his vicious punches, Cloud gritted his teeth and went for the kill a second time.
Had enough of these?
"The smokes starting to clear," said Randal trying to clear the last remnants away with his hat then putting it back once people could see him so no one would ever see him without it on.
"Hey! All the Nintendo guys are gone and so is Jay, Silent Bob, Cloud and Yuffie."
"Great," replied Dante dripping with sarcasm. "So we got about twenty five-"
Twenty three minutes until self destruction
Dante rolled his eyes, "Twenty three minutes until this ship explodes so should we get off of here or should we hunt down the other Nintendo guys."
"Let's try and get off this ship and if you see any Nintendo guys kick their asses. Agreed?" Barret crossed his arms.
"Agreed."
"Good. Let's go."
Too bad if you've had enough of these! It's an easy answer for a lazy writer!
"Tell me I'm a genius Silent Bob. Tell me." Silent Bob lit his 45th cigarette of the day and nodded. "We're gonna find some rooms to loot and then we're gonna paid and laid," he chuckled. "Let's check this room out," Jay swung the door open and leapt in with Silent Bob. "Snootch to the-holy shit Silent Bob! Check it out!"
"AHHHHH WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! GET THE FUCK OUT!!" Princess Peach made some semblance to cover up her complete nudity but being surprisingly busty and full figured didn't do a very good job.
"See Silent Bob? The bitches KNOW I'm here without even seeing me and get ready."
"DIE!!" Princess aimed her left hand at the stoners and shot a blast of energy at them. Jay would have been disintegrated instantly had Silent Bob not grabbed his shoulder and yanked him out of harms way. "You little bastards are gonna pay!" Peach raised her hand and caused the TV to levitate and threw it at Jay and Silent Bob who avoided that as well. Jay by now was completely lost staring at the Princess and would have been finished off by the ice ball Peach was conjuring if Silent Bob hadn't broke a chair over her head.
"Woah. Thanks tons of fun. So what're we gonna do with her?"
A few minutes pass…
"You little fucking stoners!" cried Peach trying to free herself from the ropes Jay and Silent had tied her up with. "When I get out of here, I'm going to cut your balls off and feed them to you ONE AT A FUCKING TIME!" Princess continued to struggle while muttering swear words and threats under her breath.
"Anything else?" asked Jay. Silent Bob grabbed a pillowcase from the bed and walked over to the Princess stuffing the sheet in her mouth. "Perfect. And check this out, there's like 40 bazillion bucks here!" Jay walked over to the table and snatched as much of the cash as he could stuffing it in his pocket and walking out with Silent Bob. When they came out they were met by Yuffie.
"There's money in there. You can have the rest."
"Really! Sweet!"
Elsewhere…
"Wow," thought Barret. "This is one hell of a kitchen. Its true we only got a few minutes before we all die but dammit I'm gonna get me a Pop Tart."
"Pika! Pika!"
"AHHHHHHH! What the hell?!" Barret spun around to see Pikachu sitting on the table tearing into what appeared to be the last box of Pop Tarts. "You little shit!"
"Piiiiiiiiika! Piiiiiiiiiiiiiika!" Pikachu appeared to be on the verge of powering up but before he could, Barret grabbed him and threw him in the microwave hitting the ON button and standing back as Pikachu exploded and filled the microwave with blood, guts and little yellow chunks of skin. Annoyed at being denied a Pop Tart, Barret walked out to continue his search for a way out. He then ran into Stone Cold, Red XIII and the rest of the group save for Cloud.
Meanwhile…
Fifteen minutes until self-destruction
Link weighed the options in his mind and decided he must tie up one loose end before he left this doomed ship. Taking out his teleporter, Link waited until he spotted Gabe down below and teleported himself down, grabbing Gabe and then teleporting away just as quickly.
"What the hell?" once on the ship, Gabe shoved Link aside and aimed his gunblade at him. "What am I doing on this ship?"
"You're going to die. I never leave business like this unfinished. Never."
"Oh yeah?
"Yeah!"
"I…. Don't have a clever comeback."
"Damn. Really?"
"No…I'm not good at that."
"Well, what I always do is-" Link paused then snapped into a fury. "What the fuck am I saying?! Dieeeeeeee!" Link drew his sword and charged at Gabe throwing everything he could at him and winning. Gabe as always was barely was able to keep up. He had grown more use to using the hefty gunblade and therefore was able to put up a slightly better fight. Link however knew, Gabe wouldn't keep up for more then a few minutes. Link eventually knocked the gunblade out of his hand and had him at the end of the ship on the very edge. Link sneered as he held his sword a mere inch from Gabe's throat.
"This is kinda sad if this is one of your only ambitions…. To kill people that had even one conflict with you."
"Hey you had a couple."
"But it's not like I'm a worthy opponent."
"True…but you still have to die." Link drew back his weapon and was about to bring it down on Gabe when suddenly, the ground beneath him seemed to "spring open" causing Link to fly over head and disappear under the ship. Gabe looked to the spot were Link had been propelled and saw that it was Barret. "Gabe! What the hell you doin up here?"
"Umm."
"Doesn't matter," Barret opened the door all the way and squeezed out along with the others with the exception of not surprisingly Cloud. "Here," Barret threw Gabe a parachute. "We found a shit load of these and brought some extras. Though we gotta leave the rest here for Cloud or any of the others that ain't here."
"So we just go?"
"Yeah. Come on." Gabe nodded and dove off the ship with the others. Dante and Randal were the only ones who did not jump.
"Are you sure we wanna do this?" inquired Dante.
"Sure. This is just like that time I accidentally set you on fire and had to throw several boxes of baking soda at you."
"No it's not."
"Well I-" he shoved Dante over. "Whoops."
"IIIIIIIIIIIII'LLLLLLL GEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTT YOUUUUUUUU RANNNNNDDDDDDDDDDAAAAALLLLLLLLLL."
"That's not the last time I'll here THAT," muttered Randal jumping after him.
Checking in on Cloud and Mario…
Mario threw a razor edged leaf at Cloud who sliced it in half with his sword and came back with an attack of his own cutting Mario's shoulder wide open.
Five minutes until self-destruction
"Hear that?" smirked Mario. "That means this ship goes boom in five more minutes. Think you can finish me off before then?"
"I know I can."
"Good then prepare to die!!" Mario created two knives that looked like a mixture of pure energy and fire and hurled them at Cloud. He attempted to dive away but found they followed his attempt to dodge and felt one pierce into his shoulder and the other into the middle of his back. All the pain went into sharp focus for a single second and it was so overwhelming Cloud almost passed out right there. What kept him from fading out completely was a resounding right jab from Mario. Cloud backhanded him against the wall and tried to slice him in half with a simple braver but Mario avoided it with ease and threw a DBZ style fireball which Cloud narrowly avoided with an Fire 3. Cloud tried to block out the pain that was wracking his entire body and ran at Mario faking him out once then driving a knee into his rotund midsection and trying to slice his face open only to get a double uppercut.
Three minutes until self-destruction
Cloud spat the blood filling the inside of his mouth and charged again trying to take Mario's legs off then jumping to the side allowing Mario to miss his drop-kick and also allowing Cloud to do a full 360 and slice Mario's head off. Cloud landed on his feet and watched as the head bounced off the wall only to be caught by Mario who reattached it and turned to face his opponent. "I hope that's not all you got."
"Oh poopie."
"Now you die!" Mario drove his hands into the ground and watched as millions of little pieces of energy flew up from the ground but Cloud jumped out of the way of all of them and backhanded Mario with his sword. The two continued to trade attacks and moves until.
Ten seconds until self-destruction…
"Looks like we die together," cackled Mario shaking the cobwebs out of his head. The moment he said this, the entire room rocked with an explosion then another and several smaller ones after that. The walls collapsed and fire could be seen everywhere. Cloud knocked Mario aside and made a move to escape running through what used to be the door and jumping straight up slicing through every remaining ceiling he came into contact with and winding up on the top of the ship. Cloud was nearly rocked off the ship with another explosion and saw a parachute grabbing it and slinging it over his shoulder to jump off when he felt a foot crack his spine. Cloud spun around to meet a punch from Mario. "There's no fucking way you're getting off this ship!" screamed Mario going for another punch this one in the form of yet another fireball.
Cloud felt all the rage of having his entire week screwed up and summoning every last ounce of energy growled, "This ends here you pudgy meatball sucking bastard…. CLIMHAZZARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mario in his weakened state could do little more then take the entire attack and when it was done, the bloody Mario stumbled back and fell screaming through the hole Cloud had created earlier. "Rest in hell," Cloud murmured jumping off the ship with his parachute just as the last standable ground of the ship burst into explosion
Back on the ground…
"Well that's the last of them," Bruce Willis kicked the dead body of aside and leaned on the bazooka he had been using in the closing moments of the war.
"God damn…look at those ships explode," Barret remarked looking to the sky.
"An impressive site indeed," agreed Vincent.
"What about Cloud?" asked Aeris.
"There he is!" said Yuffie pointing to Cloud who was quickly descending to the sky along with several chunks of Nintendo ships. They all surrounded Cloud once he landed."
"Are you okay?" asked Aeris.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine."
"What about Mario?"
"He's dead. They all a-"
"RUN!!!" screamed Gabe as a huge piece of flaming metal came towards them. Everyone moved closer towards the mansion were the main parts of the ships slowly began to fall outside New Nibelheim.
"Anyway, they're all dead as far as I can tell."
"Hey what the hells that?" asked Tosha pointing to the sky.
"It looks like a space ship…does that mean?"
"Someone survived?!"
"And they're probably headed towards Nintendo Towers which means they can just rebuild and attack again!"
"Not quite!" came a rather cartoonish sounding voice. Everyone turned to see none other then Crash Bandicoot come towards them smiling from ear to ear.
"Wow!" exclaimed Cait Sith. "It's Playstation legend Crash Bandicoot!"
"Yep! That's me. We heard about this Nintendo thing and sent several missles to their tower. So, you should have no problems from here! no need to thank us."
"We wont," said Cloud. "Just one little question."
"Shoot."
"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS WHEN THIS WHOLE THING STARTED?!?!?!"
"Well…there was this party and well…we had a lot going. Sorry."
"That's okay. Can we ask you one more thing?" asked Cloud slowly cornering Crash along with the others.
"Y-yeah?"
Two hours later…
"More Bandicoot anyone?" asked Stone Cold standing up with a knife.
"Gimme a few more pieces down this way," replied Bart holding up his plate.
"Man this guy tastes good," said Norm.
"Like chicken," agreed Randal.
"I feel REALLY guilty about this," said Cait Sith taking a small bite.
"Bah, he had it coming," dismissed Cloud.
"So, what're your plans to rebuild the city?" asked Fei. "I mean, most of the buildings were destroyed."
"Yeah I know. We'll get on that tomorrow."
"I have some ideas," offered Aeris.
"That's great honey. Let's hear it."
"Well, we could get other towns to pitch in, we could hack into Shinra's bank account, we could sell Tifa, I'm pregnant, we could sell some Materia. You know things like that."
"All very good ideas," agreed Cloud taking another bite of Crash. Suddenly he choked and his eyes burst open. "YOU'RE PREGNANT?!"
"Ohhhh boy," remarked Cid.
End.
First off, I am a huge fan of Crash Bandicoot. The only reason I used him was he was the only edible PSX mascot I could think of. Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this ten-part saga. There's gonna be a few one story episodes including two special stories one being a parody of all those behind the scenes show and the other a sort of parody of Mary Sue fics like this one here/before the next big story arc comes into play. I have a ton of other projects in the works so keep and eye open. As always, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this. If not, then burn in hell because this was a lot of work.