I took the first two chapters of this story and put them on the storyboard at www.wolverineandjubilee.com. This is what came out of it. Think of these as what a person researching this terrible decease would have in their possession: Articles, doctor's reports, media clips.
(Author: mmacbeth)
Sadly, it's not only the young women who suffer from this terrible disease.
Here we see a poor boy of the streets, eyes red, clothes thin and torn, staring hopelessly into the sunset. He lost three girlfriends to Jackmansitis in the first month after the X-Men movie came out alone. Only a few short weeks afterwards, his sister was committed, and soon, because the disease spreads quickly in closed quarters, his mother as well.
Disgusted with his wife's infidelity, the boy's father soon abandoned the family. Left alone with his mother and sister, the boy was helpless. Because education about this illness was not as widespread as it is today, he wasn't even sure what the problem was. He had nowhere to turn. All the family money began to go towards Wolverine posters and Internet bills. Their house filled up with Hugh action figures, pictures, and X-Men DVDs, quickly replacing necessities like food and heat, and the rent was neglected. Eventually his mother and sister were committed, and this poor boy was left to scavenge on the street.
"I just want to get my story out, so more men won't have to suffer like I have," he proclaims, wiping his tears on the Hugh Jackman T-shirt that was the only thing he was permitted to wear in his mother's presence. "If you suspect you or someone you love has this disease, please, *get help*. You *can* get clean. Don't let it rip you and your family apart...bub." His eyes widen. "Sorry,I still slip sometimes. It hurts me so much!"
Hearing that from this hollow shell of a person makes those words ring true for all of us. If someone in your life suffers from Jackmansitis, call 1-800-IWA-NTHU.
(Author: ice princess deluxe)
The day in the life of a Jackman sufferer.
We have been permitted to follow a young lady that goes by the penname "ice princess deluxe" around for an entire day to see exactly how a person suffering from Jackmanitis lives. This is her entire schedule.
1. She wakes up to a blown up, life sized poster of a shirtless Hugh Jackman that is posted up on her ceiling, one on the wall right next to her bed, and one on both sides of her closet door. Looking at the decor of the room, it seems that she has become afflicted with another, yet very similar strand of the Jackmanitis syndrome called "Wolverine Obsession Anxiety Habits", or WOAH. A sufferer is usually a female that has gone, very innocently, to view the X-Men movie with a friend of hers, usually a comic book buff that has forced her to go just because. Once viewing the movie, the sufferer instantly becomes obsessed with not only Hugh Jackman, but with the Marvel character Wolverine as well. They yearn to find out everything they can on the "Runty Canuck" as they like to call him, even at the means of their own checkbook suffering. As I was saying, Ice wakes up to several posters of Jackman on the walls and the ceiling of her room, then she dresses in a black tank top with an unbuttoned red flannel over it. Going over to her desk, she looks over at the very immaculate filing cabinet that contains each issue of the Wolverine comic that she owns. Getting out a list, she writes a few numbers down.
2. We travel into town with Miss Princess Deluxe to the local Disk Jockey music store in the mall. This is where she goes in and buys several copies of the X-Men soundtrack, as well as another copy of the movie, because she has worn out the last ten copies already. It seems like she's a regular, because the clerk just smiles and hands her the movie cassette as soon as she steps into the door. Paying for her purchases, she leaves and goes to the bookstore she works at, because she has told us that they have gotten a new shipment of books in today. Heading straight towards a certain section, Ice comes back five minutes later with an armload of books, all Wolverine related. Add to that and the selections from the comic book rack that she has scanned over while waiting in line, she has already racked up a bill of $50, and that is with her 33% employee discount. Getting back into her truck, we leave the mall and head off towards the local Blockbuster movie store.
3. At the store, we notice that the clerk has spotted her and is now cowering behind the register, shaking in fear. Not knowing why, I listen intently at the conversation between the young man and Miss Princess Deluxe.
"Hi. Has 'Someone Like You' come out in video yet?" The man shudders.
"N...no ma'am." We see Ice's eyes narrow.
"Well, how about 'Paperback Hero'? Do you have that in stock yet?"
"n...no..."
"What is up with you people?! That is a Jackman classic! You have all sorts of tapes here, but nothing with Jackman!" she says, causing the other patrons in the store to start to stare at her. Turning on her heel, she leaves the store in a huff.
4. Deciding that her mood needs to be lifted, Ice drives me to the local Toys-R-Us where she makes a beeline to the action figures. Spying one that she does not have, she makes a grab for it. Unfortunately, there is only one of these action figures, and it is in the hands of a little kid. One that is very determined to keep it. Ice starts asking him if she can have it, she tries to bribe him with money, the promise of some candy, or for him to settle with a Barbie doll instead. The kid starts to get scared and runs away, screaming for his mother. Ice gives chase, not wanting to let the figurine with the blue motorcycle out of her sight. Unfortunately, the kid wins this fight and Ice is very upset. Wanting to calm her down, I buy her a Gambit figurine.
"It's not the same..." she says, but takes it anyway. Too distraught to drive, she gives me directions to our next stop.
5. We arrive at the comic store and Ice is greeted by the clerk. It seems she's a regular there as well. The clerk herself seems to be in the late stages of the WOAH disorder, being an owner whose main collection contains nothing but Wolverine related comics. It seems that Ice has found a kindred spirit. Finally smiling, Ice makes her selections from the Wolverine bin and pays for them. As I said before, a victim of WOAH will do anything to satisfy their obsession, even at the expense of her own checkbook. Ice leaves the store with a huge grin on her face and her bank account $200 lighter. She is happy because she has finally completed her collection of Wolverine comics. She told me that now her goal in life is to collect every miscellaneous comic or mini series that Wolverine has appeared in. I also notice that one of her purchases is an X-Men #1 issue. I have a feeling that her checkbook will suffer more in the months to come.
6. Heading home, we come to the end of the Jackmanitis sufferer's day. She kicks back in her living room and plugs in the new X-Men tape that she has just purchased. With her back to the screen, she starts reading her new comics, quoting the movie and what exactly the actors are doing at the same time. The only time she turns around is when the cage fight scene comes up. Then, she runs to the TV, sits real close, and starts to go into a daze. When her eyes glaze over and she starts to drool, I become very frightened and slowly back out of her house and into my car. Once inside, I revv up the motor and get out of the area posthaste with tires squealing and rubber burning. With people such as this roaming the streets every day, a cure for Jackmanitis must be found, and soon.
(Author: Loki)
Article from the Giffard Institute Circular, Beauport
How to deal with a Jackmansitis case
Dr. Jean Gris*, M.D., Ph. D.
As a staff member of the Giffard Institute, every one of you must be aware of the basics rules, regulations and treatments of that new disease called Jackmansistis.
This disease, which relates to the over-viewing of a certain movie (first rule: never EVER pronounce it's title), or over-reading of certain comics or fanfiction over the Net, is relatively new in our country.
Specialists from all over the world (see the abstract from the Danish Daily News) had noticed the uprising of this non-deadly disease. It only hit a few people in our country, and among them, French-speaking people had been hopefully immune.
But the fact that the French translation of this movie was so bad that it repelled most of the French-speaking audience, the English version had success among those of them who can deal with English. All that to say: we discovered that some of our countrymen (I should say, countrywomen) had fallen after seeing THE movie.
So we must all learn to deal with these patients.
Some symptoms of the Jackmansistis are easily noticeable. For example, it will be obvious if you hear a woman saying:
"Tasse-toé d'là, bub!"
Note the mix use of French and English. That word, *bub*, is typical of a second degree pathology of Jackmansistis. Note: never EVER use the word *bub* around a patient.
I even met a patient who was a rare case. This is an example that could be important in showing how bad a case of Jackmansistis can be.
That French-speaking woman, I thought, was a stage 1 or 2 of the disease. After many sessions with her, hearing her complaining about guys not having hair on their chest, or mutton-chops, seemed to make some progress, as she accepted to watch another movie (of her own, she admitted having seen THE movie 34 times).
After seeing Gladiator, and groaned all the time, I asked how she felt. Her answer was: "Bagus. How's the professor?"
I know. Bagus is not a word in THE movie. So I had some research to do. It turned out that the patient had spent 5 whole days on the NET, downloading THE movie from some place, cutting herself from phone calls and everything to get it. Only things was, she only had been able to download an English version sub-titled in Korean or Japaneese. *Bagus* means *fantastic*.
Now, we all need to know how to act around. First, the rules (if you never speak English, it is most certain you will not upset a Jackmansistis patient, since they guinely refuse to acknowledge any French version of THE movie).
Never say: bub, fantastic, cage, claws, chest, hair, feral, groan, SNICK, darlin', d***
If you need a Jackmansistis to follow you (for further treatment), you would:
Tell them you are headed for Laughling City
You have a friend nicknamed Wolverine
Your brother produces adamantium
Charles Xavier is your uncle
Your first name is Logan, but you don't know anything else about yourself
Now, for the regulations.
Male staff:
Only hairy chested men will be hired
Priority in hiring will be given to bald men in wheel-chair.
Hired masculine staff must bear mutton-chops (exception to the above category)
Hired masculine staff are to done dog-tags with the name Wolverine on it
Female staff:
Red hair, white streak, are strictly forbidden (for your own safety)
Doe-eyes are also forbidden
We will soon have the honour of Dr. Laege's visit in our walls. I expect every one of you to attend to his seminar on Jackmansistis. This world-wide specialist (see Article attached) will tell us everything about that disease. For now, keep on the regulations.
(Author: Lateo)
*Slide* = a new picture appears
********************************
Transcript from Dr.Laege´s seminar.
Dr. Laege: Welcome everyone. Today I would like to show some slides to show how carefully one must proceed in curing this disease.
*Slide*
Here we see the patent Lateo, She is one of our worst cases and for a while we thought she could never be cured. But since some of the newest research has shown that shock therapy might work...Yes?
Dr.Beaster: Electro shock seems a rather hard cure.
Dr,Laege: Oh No, We don´t give the patients Electro shock.
*Slide*
Dr.Laege: We produced a false X-Men movie, sorry I didn´t mean to whisper the word X-Men, it´s an old habit from the institute. Anyway we produced a false X-Men tape.
*Slide
Dr.Laege: Here you see the patients happy reaction as the nurse tells her she will be allowed to watch X-Men. Notice how she even removes her eyes from the computer screen for a few seconds.
*Slide*
Dr.Laege: The movie is running and the Cage scene is approaching. The patient is muttering the lines before they are spoken and she is moving even closer to the television screen.
*Slide*
Dr.Laege: We are now at the part of the movie where Rogue is entering the bar, the patient can now hear the cage fight in the background but no real images of Jackman are shown yet.
*Slide*
The Audience: *Gasp*
Dr.Laege: Yes, this is where the shock therapy aspect comes in. We had replaced the Jackman scene with another actor. Here Lateo sees the back of this actor, who is in no way attractive. Notice the look of utter horror in her face.
*Slide*
Dr.Laege: Here she tried fast forwarding the tape and discovers that all the Jacman scenes have been changed.
*Slide*
Dr.Laege: Here she discovers the scene in the bedroom between Wolverine and Jean Gray. Here we have altered the tape so Wolverine asks Jean to marry her, she then accepts and Scott comes in and agree that it is a "Great idea". Scott and Logan then Hug.
*Slide*
Dr.Laege: We also videotaped this experiment but the pictures was just to strong to show. As you see it took three nurses to hold her down, we can´t hear it but now she is chanting "No Yummy Jackman goodness for Lateo" and "Jean BAD"
Soon after she became catatonic.
(Author: Jo the Phoenix)
News broadcast
----- And now, another report from The Johnson Institute in Denmark, where women of all ages are suffering from a terrible disease. We go to Richard Appleby for this horrifying story....
Thank you, Janice... hundreds of young women from this area have apparently come down with what is being called "Jackmansitis", a terrible condition, characterised by long periods on catatonia, obsessive behaviour, and loss of reason. This chilling disease is caused by obsession with the 2000 motion picture "X-Men", and it's lead actor, Hugh Jackman. We've tried repeatedly to get an interview with Mr. Jackman, but he is unavailable for comment. We go instead to Dr. Phillip Nolan, one of the leading researchers of Jackmansitis.
Dr. Nolan is a bald man who sits in a wheelchair. He shaves his head every day and doesn't really need the wheelchair, but he'll explain shortly why he does the things he does. We see him now, softly conversing with one of the "Stage Four" patients of the disease.
Stage four is where the victim has plastered her walls with posters of Wolverine, spent most of her money on back issues of comics, spent the rest of it on internet access to write and post short stories about her obsession. There is little hope for women beyond stage four, unfortunately.
Our Stage Four victim, we'll call her Phoenix, is now sniffing a cigar, which she keeps in her pocket. She smiles and rocks back and forth in her chair, no doubt thinking of Wolverine, for her eyes have the tell tale glazed over look of all of the victims of Jackmansitis.
Dr. Nolan shakes his head sadly as the male nurses come and show Phoenix back to her room. Nothing more can be done for her. She is too far-gone.
Once the girl is gone, Dr. Nolan gets up from his wheel chair and stretches. Scratching the top of his stubble head, he tells us his reasons for the deception...
"The girls all looked at me with distrust when I first arrived at the Institute... so I bought the wheelchair and razors. It seems to work...they all think that I "Generally want to help" them." Dr. Nolan shudders sick to death of that phrase. "They all trust me now, though they all call me "Wheels"."
We'll return to this story as it develops. Richard Appleby, signing off.
(Author: Adam Safran)
"All will rise - the Court is now in session."
"Hehe - he said session."
And with that, the trial of Adam Safran for possession and distribution of controlled substances was about to begin.
"Your honour, the defendant here today is accused of possession and distribution of controlled substances to those under psychiatric care, resulting in an immense deteoriation of their condition, furthermore - "
"Its a lie! They needed those things! You don't know what its like being put in a padded room without any decoration, tied up like a mummy in a straitjacket! All of the little birdies flying around your head... Tweedledee and Tweetledum... Gee, I wonder if I could make my head spin around in a circle... Lahlahlahlahlah..."
"Your honour, my client has forgotten to take his medication. We would like to enter a plea of - "
"GUILTY! WE'RE ALL GUILTY! I'M GUILTY, YOU'RE GUILTY! YOUR THIRD COUSIN'S HALF SISTER'S BARBER WHO USES HER HAIR AS INCENSE! WE'RE ALL GUILTY!"
"Uhm, as I was saying, not guilty by reason of *permanent* insanity."
"Very well - counsel, please continue with your opening statement."
"Ah, thank you, your honour. (Why do I always have to be teh one to argue with these nutjobs? I could've passed the bar exam and become a defense attorney for a big law firm, but nnnnnnnooooooooooo... Mom wanted me to put bad guys in jail like Perry Mason... He's a defense attorney, for crying out loud! But what momma wants, momma gets... ANd I'm stuck putting away nutjobs! I really hate my life...) Uhm, as I was saying, the Defendant, one Adam Safran, stands here accused of providing controlled substances to those suffering from the disease called "Jackmansitis" by the popular media. He has greatly increased their suffering by preventing them from being cut off from access to the controlled materials. Your honour, this man is the biggest distributor of Hugh Jackman paraphenelia in the world! And he does it for free!"
This was the signal for the large number of women who were in the audience and hoping that their access to Hugh Jackman stuff wouldn't be cut off to swarm Adam, and he had a hard time writing down all of their addresses. He grinned - business was gonna skyrocket when this made the evening news!
(Author: WolvieGal)
"Hello, this is Patty Bighair with channel 6 news. We are here outside the courthouse for the trial of Adam Safran. We have heard several loud screams from inside the courthouse, but there is yet no word on the outcome of the trial. We have with us here on the steps of the courthouse a young woman anxiously awaiting the appearance of Adam Safran, who according to unsubstantiated rumours is pleading insanity as we speak. Hello miss, can you give us your name?"
"Wolviegal."
"Excuse me?"
"Wolviegal."
"What kind of a name is Wolviegal?"
"What kind of a name is Patty Bighair?"
The reporter ignored that last question. "What's your real name?"
"Marie/Rogue. But only he can call me Marie."
"Slash? Nevermind. Can you tell us why you are here waiting to see Adam Safran?"
"He's the biggest and best source of Wolverine and Jackman merchandise anywhere, darlin'."
"Miss, uh, Wolviegal, are you an addict?"
"Me? No, no I just need some stuff for a friend of mine. A lot of stuff. Actually for several friends. I don't have a problem. Nope I'm all right. Fantastic."
"It's the middle of August, Miss, uh, Wolviegal, why are you wearing opera gloves?"
"Ah don't know. When people touch muh skin, they just get hurt."
"Do I smell beer on you? Are you drunk? Have you been drinking?"
"I'm not the one who gave the train station a new sunroof, pal!"
"Sunroof? What? Oh look! The courthouse doors are opening! Mr. Safran!" Patty Bighair runs forward with the microphone, camera man following behind her. "Mr. Safran! What can you tell us about the trial?"
Wolviegal dives to reach him first, knocking everyone else out of the way, including Patty Bighair. She throws a hypodermic needle hitting Adam Safran in the neck. She then bundles him, now unconscious in a large black bag and begins to carry him off stopping only to flash the blades of three pocket knives from between her knuckles at the camera man.
"Do none of you understand what I am trying to do here? Once I put Hugh Jackman all over the world, everyone will worship him! Our fate will be theirs!"
(Author: Adam Safran)
Adam snored peacefully as Wolviegal drove him off. He was already planning Phase One of his plan to bring Jackman to the masses. The world leaders were having a summit that would be broadcast across every major television station across the world. In his dreams, Adam hooked hacked into the broadcasts and replaced them with a little item he'd come up with called "Hugh - A Jackman's Story." With that broadcast around the world, Jackman mania would be brought to all! Adam snored fitfully, until WolvieGal arrived at her hidden underground lair, which had been decorated like the labyrinth of tunnels beneath the X-Mansion, and every wall was filled with posters of Hugh Jackman and Wolverine... As WolvieGal slapped him, Adam woke up... Too bad he was a straight guy... He really wished that he was a girl, so that he could benefit from the madness that he wanted to spread throughout the world...
(Author: Witheld)
"This is Patty Bighair, back at the studio with our first guest. This man's name is being Witheld for his own safety."
"Thank you, Patty." Said the face, which was being blurred by artificial means. "Yes, I've suffered the side effects of Jachmanitis for years. I'm not actually a sufferer, you understand--" he added hastily, "but I have a sister, and a mother...." He trailed off brokenly, and Patty nods.
"I understand you've become something of an expert on Jackmanitis. How did that come about?"
"It started with prolonged exposure to my sister and mother. I...maybe I'd better start at the beginning.
"I'm the one who took them to see the movie. I've always been a big fan of the X-Men...and, um, Halle Berry. In spandex. Anyway, after they saw it, they wanted to go again. And since it was such a great movie anyway, I went! If only I'd known, Patty...
"Soon, it had taken over their lives. I was fortunate; I managed to hide some money from them, and then used my college psychology training to diagnose them. I realised quite soon that this new disease was rampant. I immediately got in touch with Dr. Leage. Together we put my mother and sister into treatment.
"I've been studying with and independently of Dr. Leage for some time now. I've spent countless hours on Internet message boards listening to sufferers rant about Hugh's ass. We think we're on the verge of a breakthrough; unfortunately, with more and more Jackman movies coming out, the danger is increasing exponentially."
"Indeed. And just why do you fear for your life?"
"Because one of my great goals in life is to end the suffering of these people trapped by Jackmanitis. And like the worst drug addict, they don't want to be saved. If they knew I was looking for a cure, I'd be as good as dead."
"Yes, I see. Have you heard that some extreme fringes advocate killing Hugh Jackman?"
*concerted gasp from studio audience*
"Yes, Patty, I had. Fortunately, Dr. Leage squashed that movement early on. Unfortunately, several men then put forth the idea that we make him stop making movies. Their bodies were found...days later...in small pieces."
"Oh! How shocking!"
"Yes. They were the first people killed by this disease...but they deserved it."
"..."
"I mean for being stupid enough to declare their views in a public forum, in front of Jackmanitis sufferers."
"Oh, of course."
"Yes. Dr. Leage and I, working closely together for the past week, have discovered another insidious side of this disease. It turns out there may be a male counterpart, for straight males. This one very closely resembles the Schwarzenegger virus. It inspires men to lift weights, walk around shirtless, and talk like Hugh Jackman."
"Oh! That's....um...awful? Well..."
"Exactly. Further, the infected females, upon finding an infected male, go wild. The males as well. Together they each become TWICE as infected. Fortunately, at the present rate of infection, not many of them have found each other. But at hubs of communication, such as online message boards--"
"Dear God!"
"You said it, darlin`."