Hi folks!
Some of you thought that Remus acted a bit, well, un-Remus-like in the last part of my story "Second Chances". So I wrote a short companion piece to it that shows Remus' POV on the events. And why he acted as he did.
Foxfeather
Title: Second Chances: The Other Side (1/1)
Author: Foxfeather
Email: alwest@cityweb.de
Archive: F4 - FoxFeather's FanFiction. That's http://homepages.compuserve.de/HSKAW675/index.htm for not-html-mail-readers
Elsewhere: yes, but please tell me where!
Rating: PG - PG13
Pairing: James Potter / Remus Lupin, Harry Potter / Remus Lupin
Spoilers: Book 3: Prisoner of Azkaban. But tell me, which story about Remus Lupin wouldn't have spoilers for this one ;-)?
Warnings: None. Except that this is slash, folks!
Notes: For all who think Student/Teacher relationships to be *urgh*, and didn't read "Second Chances" because of that: This part explains why this story is _not_ a teacher/student story!!!
And I want to say "Thank you" to Sekhmet, my beta for the quick work! I was really surprised! The fans will thank you for it :-)
Summary: Remus' Point of View on the events described in my story "Second Chances".
~~indicates a jump forward in time
Second Chances: The Other Side (1/1)
Damn, Remus, how could you do that? He has the diary. And he's going to read it. And then? How will he react? I can't allow him to read the diary. Now, Remus, follow him, get the envelope back. Tell him you changed your mind.
~~
Too late, he's gone. Damn! What now? What's written in that diary will change his view on James entirely. How could I allow that? That was a pretty stupid idea, dear Remus. Really, what where you thinking?
Stop panicking, Remus. Drink your tea and calm down. Harry is seventeen. He's seen so much already. He's dealt with so much. He'll deal with his father being in love with his friend. I hope. Oh, boy, Remus, next time use your brain first! You're not Sirius!
Sirius. What would you have done in my shoes? Would you have given the diary to Harry? It shows the boy how his father really was. The inner James.
Remus, that leads to nothing. You're not Sirius. And it was _you_ who gave the diary to Harry. Now you have to deal with the consequences. But what will those consequences be?
You could hurt Harry deeply with your action. His father was... what? Gay? Bi? How will Harry cope with that? *Is* he able to cope with that? Don't forget, Petunia raised him. Who knows how much he's learned from her? But no. He's James' son. He must have inherited his understanding. And Lily's friendliness. He's there for others, he'll understand James. Or will he?
And what about me? Will he see me with different eyes? He likes me, that much is sure. He wouldn't have asked me to stay, back then, when Sirius reappeared. Harry never showed fear of me. He was not afraid of the werewolf. Not like most of the other students who start to shake if I become a little louder in class. Harry is different.
He doesn't treat me like a teacher, I think he sees me as some kind of friend. As an uncle perhaps. Not as close as Sirius, but closer than the other adults. As a part of the family. Oh, Harry, if I only managed to adopt you after your parents died. So much would have been different, then. But different how? For the better or worse? Raised by a werewolf. My flaw would have stained you, too. But you would have grown up with somebody who loves you. You would have had a family. _I_ would have had a family. Neither of us had to be alone.
How will he see me now? Will the diary become like a wall between us? Is he going to blame me that his father is not the man he thought him to be? Will we both be alone again now? Please, no! I'm so glad to be here with you. In Hogwarts. At the place where both of us were no longer alone. If Harry doesn't want to see me after this.... then what? Will I be alone here in Hogwarts, too?
Looks like you totally bungled it again, Remus. First you are too blind to see the chance of no longer being alone. And now that you have found _some_ kind of family, you throw it away. Damn! I have to get this envelope back!
~~
"Oh, hello Remus! Oh, sorry, I have to say 'Professor Lupin', now, don't I? But nevertheless: password?"
The fat lady hasn't changed one bit. Should I really go in there? What shall I tell Harry?
~~
The dorm is empty. Of course, he's in class now. And now? Well, perhaps it's better like this. What would I have told him? 'Sorry, Harry, I changed my mind. I think it's better if you don't know your father better?' With that, I would lose Harry's trust for sure. Professor Lupin doesn't want me to know more about my parents and me. He doesn't trust me to deal with that knowledge. He thinks I'm a child. No, Remus, perhaps it's better if he keeps the diary. Why didn't I hold my tongue and tell him it was merely some unimportant papers inside the envelope? Everything would be okay, then.
And if he reads the diary... perhaps he'll understand. Perhaps if he knows James and me better.... perhaps he sees another lonely soul in me. Perhaps we'll become real friends?
Oh, come on, Remus. Stop dreaming. You've lost your chance. There will be no second one.
~~
At dinner Harry looked so nervous. I don't think he's read the diary yet. That would have been my chance to take the envelope back. I didn't take it. Now fate will take its way. Harry will read the diary, that much is sure. And then.... Who knows? Shall I dare to hope? And then be disappointed? Or shall I put up with having made a mistake and pay for it? If I only knew Harry better! If I could appraise how he will react! How much does he resemble James?
Stop musing, Remus, tomorrow you'll know.
~~
I can't sleep. Remus, stop thinking about Harry! Nothing will come out of it! Get that into your mind! But, okay, if you insist on it. What could he read that would make him dislike you?
I read that diary often enough to know it by heart.
I hurt James. I mistrusted him. I thought only about myself. If I hurt others with my behaviour, others who only wanted to help me it didn't matter, as long as I wouldn't be hurt. Just don't let anybody come close. Don't show your emotions, your loneliness. Don't worry about someone, he might not be worth it. Don't trust anybody. I trusted Peter and was rewarded with fear. I trusted James and Sirius to tell my secret to Peter and was hurt again.
Don't let somebody worry about you, too. Be independent. Nurse your loneliness.
James saw through me. Somehow he knew how I looked like inside. He managed to lure me out of my shell; to break through the wall I had built up around me. He managed to make me trust him. He made me care for him. So that I could be there for him as he needed me. When his parents died. But nevertheless, the old mistrust surfaced again and again. Built up the wall again. Hurt James again. _I_ hurt James again. I steered clear of him. But despite all the pain I caused him, despite all the rejection, he was there for me. He took the danger to become an Animagus for me. And for that, I punished him. Instead of being thankful for his friendship. Back then I was too blind to see the deep friendship James felt for me. I still don't get why he did all that for me.
There. I do it again. I degrade him and his actions. I keep him at a distance. Looks like I haven't changed much since.
Then, one day, I got it. I finally understood that I couldn't get James to _not_ worry about me, no matter how badly I treated him. I understood that I could feel safe with him. But I still was blind. As I changed my behaviour towards him, his feelings for me changed. Friendship became love. And again, I hurt James. He never told me about his feelings, because he knew that I would hurt him. So he decided to hurt himself by not telling.
And then, one day, he was gone. Not longer there. Dead. Lily, dead. Peter, dead, or so I thought. Sirius, a murderer. And I, I was alone. Again.
Again my fear had been confirmed. Everybody whom I trusted had abandoned me. I was alone again.
But I had learned something. I had learned how it felt to have friends. What not being alone felt like. And I wanted to have that again. Then came the diary.
My world crashed. I think I cried and raged for days. I suddenly understood what I had thrown away. And then I wanted to repay James for his love. I wanted to be there for little Harry. I wanted to thank James for his love by raising his son. I wanted to give the child all the love James would have deserved. It didn't work. I had lost my chance. Once and for all.
But now there's Harry. My student. And at the same time, so much more. There is somebody who needs my love. Even if he doesn't know it. It feels as if all the emotions that I couldn't give Harry have piled up. Even if I don't know Harry well, he is some kind of son to me. Or a friend. Like James was. I can't put it in words. I don't have children; I don't know how it feels to be a dad. But I love Harry. I want to replace what he didn't have. A father, like James would have been one. And a friend, like James was one to me.
And now I risked it all. And lost it. Didn't I?
~~
I was not down at dinner. I would have been unable to eat one bite. What about Harry? Somehow we managed to steer away from each other the whole day long. As I think about it, _I_ managed to steer clear of him. As in missing dinner. Why? I should be glad when everything is over. This uncertainty of how Harry will react is driving me nuts.
Will he give me the diary back? Or will I find it pushed under my door tomorrow morning?
~~
Somebody knocks. Harry?
"I waited for you, Harry, come in." I hope he doesn't notice how nervous I am.
"I read them, Remus." Stop. Has he called me 'Remus'? Is that a good sign?
"Er, I mean, Professor Lupin, sir." Oh. Keep cool, Remus.
"It's okay, Harry. You can call me Remus, if you want to." No matter how deep you'll fall, once you've reached the bottom, you can't go any lower. Keep cool, Remus. Act as if everything's totally normal. Go over to the bedroom. Then it's not so far to the bed, should you feel the need to cry later.
Damn, Remus, you're shaking! Act as if you're cold and wrap yourself up in your bedspread.
Harry asks his questions. If I had known about the diary. Yes. If its contents surprised me. Oh yes. How I reacted. I was mad.
He winces. He isn't afraid of me, is he? Please, no! Harry, I would never hurt you! Don't be afraid of me! You never were afraid of me! You're different!
Er, stop. Does he think I'm mad... at him? I was mad that I had been so blind.
He relaxes. Ask your questions, Harry. This is not as bad as I thought it would be.
If I loved your father? I don't think I was able to love somebody, then. I only noticed that when it was too late. That shocks you, right, Harry? But I changed. I now have somebody whom I love, but I don't know how. Can you understand me, Harry?
I made a huge mistake, then. I lost my chance. And there will be no second chance.
"Perhaps there is."
Pardon? What did you say? You can't... no. Impossible.
"What do you mean?"
He kissed me! Harry. kissed me. What.... what does that mean now? He isn't mad at me? We'll stay friends?
"I feel the same way as he did, Remus. It's only starting, but I can feel that it's there."
What do you mean? I don't understand.... don't dare to understand.
"I think I've fallen in love with you, Remus Lupin."
Love? This has to be a dream. Harry.... is James? Harry wants to be my James? No, Remus. Harry is not James. Harry is Harry. He holds you now. As you held James, back then. As you never allowed somebody to hold you. Everything's different, today. What does it mean? Can I really hope? Yes, Remus! Don't make the same mistake again. Don't build up those barriers again. Don't stand in your own way!
"You really... want to be my second chance, Harry?"
I want to believe that. I don't want to be alone any longer. I need you, Harry.
"I am not as far as my father was, but I want to be there for you, Remus. And, when the time comes..."
What do you mean? Oh, James' dreams. He thinks this far? His love would reach this far? I'm not ready for that, Harry. Nor are you. And you are my student. It's not possible. Not yet. But we leave that option open. No barriers, no walls, no obstacles.
We'll take the time we need, Harry.
I still can't believe it. Are you real, Harry? Or have I fallen asleep on the sofa? If I.... kiss you...
No. I don't want to wake up. I don't dare it.
You are real! I can't have dreamt this kiss.
"But, Remus, I am not my father! Do you, I mean, are you feeling.... anything.... for me.?
Oh, Harry! I love you! I'm not as far as your father was, either, but I will learn to love you as you deserve to be loved. As a father, as a friend, and, later perhaps as a lover, too.
I'm so glad you're here, Harry.
finis
Author's note regarding a sequel…
Harry and Remus have whispered some tiny bits of what happened next into my ear, but for a whole story it doesn't make enough sense yet. If I can get them to tell me more and then write it down without Remus censoring every part I want to write ("Oh no, not that! It's too private!" He's so shy!), you'll be the ones to read it second. *grins* Yes, second! Sekhmet will read it first! That's her privilege for being what we call a 'beta'!
Hope to hear, er, read from you! Me likes feedback! Make that 'constructive feedback!'
Greetings,
Foxfeather