Author: Elisabeth Cook (allegretto@gmx.net)
Rating: [PG-13]
Codes: J/C
All of my life, lying on the sand watching seabirds fly.
Wishing there would be someone waiting home for me.
So many dreams to wake,
And with so much love to make.
Five long years. Did it really take me so long to realize? I watch him as he sits across from me, at the far end of my couch, bent over a PADD he didn't get around to read before dinner. He doesn't know I'm watching him, he's so engulfed in the monthly department reports. I wonder what's on his mind... Warp field equations can't be the only thing he's thinking of; he's been staring at this PADD far too long now.
It's taken me five years to realize it, how long did it take him? He's definitely not reading the department reports... I've seen him try to sneak a glance at me twice already. He knows I'm watching, he just doesn't want to admit that he knows. Why doesn't he look up? Maybe he'll look up from the PADD and meet my gaze. Maybe I'll look away, not letting him catch me. Maybe he'll look right into my eyes, then I'd have to tell him.
I won't avert my eyes; I will look at him and tell him that I love him. Something I've been meaning to tell him for a long time now. But I can't, I'm afraid to tell him. Because I don't know what he's thinking, how he feels about me. It's taken me five years' to realize. Maybe I've just imagined things, pretended to see more than there really is. Maybe the loneliness has finally taken its toll. I've been alone for five years, waiting for someone to step into my life.
Maybe it's him I've been waiting for. But then, he's the only one on this ship who ever really cared for me, his shoulder was the only I could cry on. Maybe I want him to mean more to me than he really does. All of my life, I knew what I wanted. Why is it different now?
No, my feelings for him are real. It might have taken me five years, but those special feelings are here, there's more to it than just wishful thinking. I knew there was something happening to me - something that's never happened before - when I started watching him on the bridge. Only sneaking quick glances at him at first, as if to ensure that he was still there, sitting beside me. Then my gaze began to linger on him for several seconds at a time, watching the corners of his mouth pull up into that wonderful smile of his, watching his brow wrinkle when concentrating on the PADD he was reading.
I knew there was something happening to me when I could barely keep myself from entering his office when I walked past it, just to be close to him. I knew something had changed when I involuntarily slowed down when passing by, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he would step outside.
Everybody else seemed to have noticed before I did. People seemed to pay more attention to the two of us, as if watching for something that I knew wasn't there. Nobody ever said anything of course, but I could tell what they were thinking simply from the way they were watching us. Well, nobody except Tom Paris, of course. If he ever makes another comment like that, I'll have him take a little walk on Voyager's hull, without a space suit - even if that means I'll have to find a new pilot.
It is getting increasingly difficult to keep myself from showing my true feelings to Chakotay, but I want to know exactly how he feels about me before I tell him. If he doesn't feel for me the same I way I feel for him, our friendship would never be the same. He would begin to question my motives for being friends with him. In fact, being together would never be the same again. I would begin to feel terribly self-conscious around him, afraid to be honest again, fearing that I would send the wrong signals. He'd probably feel the same, being afraid to hurt me by saying something wrong, never daring to be himself around me again.
Ever since I started feeling this way, I've been telling me it was only for the good of our crew that I never revealed my true feelings for him. But that's not the only reason, I have to admit that now. Of course, it would interfere with our duties if we could never be completely honest to each other again, but rational thinking wasn't what kept me from telling him. The truth is, I'm afraid to loose his friendship, the feeling of mutual trust and complete understanding it's taken us five years to build.
Until now, I've always been a person to accept every challenge and master most of them. I've always looked ahead at what could be gained, never looked back to see what might be lost. I don't know why this is different. Maybe because I care for him more than I ever cared for somebody before. Maybe it's him I've been waiting for, but how can I know I'm the one he's been waiting for? Maybe I'll never know. Maybe I'll spend all of my life waiting for something that will never happen. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship, and I'm almost sure it's worth the sacrifice of waiting an entire lifetime. Almost...
I don't know how long I've been lost in thought, but when I look up, I find Chakotay staring at me. I don't know how long he's been watching me, but at this moment I don't care. An entire lifetime of maybes...
I finally muster up the courage to look into his eyes, and what I see renders me completely speechless. I find myself swimming in a dark sea of passion, enveloped in deep understanding. Words aren't necessary to tell him how I feel and I suddenly know that looking ahead is the only right thing to do. What is there to gain outweighs the risk of loosing a thousand times.
As if in a trance, I watch as he slowly lifts his hand and gently touches my cheek. I don't dare to move even the slightest bit, afraid to break the mystery of this moment. For a second I fear that all of this is only a dream, that I'll wake up any minute now, that the wonderful feelings washing over me will dissolve into nothing. For a moment I'm afraid that he'll pull away, that he'll leave me, saying that we have gone further than we should have.
He lets his hand linger on my cheek for a short while before softly tracing my jaw line with his fingers. I hold my breath and don't even realize it until he gently lifts up my chin and I gaze into his eyes again. As if drawn toward the love I find in those eyes, I lean forward. My heart skips a few beats when our lips finally touch, only for a split second at first, the contact as gentle as a light summer breeze.
I close my eyes when his lips touch mine for the second time and plunge into the sea of passion growing inside me. My lips part slightly as our kiss deepens and my heart opens and reaches out for him with a love stronger than I ever thought possible...
Something's telling me it might be you.
It's telling me it must be you,
And I'm feeling it'll just be you, I've been waiting for all of my life...
FINE