Friday, December 16, 1988
The
heavy footsteps on the stairs roused her, and she looked up, turning her head
inquisitively towards the sound. "Lee?" she called uncertainly,
carefully adjusting her position in the bed. "I didn't expect you back so
soon. Was your mission successful?"
"It's
me, Amanda." The familiar voice came from behind the semi-closed door.
"May I come in?"
"Sure,
Joe," she exclaimed, tossing aside her half-finished book. "What a
nice surprise. I thought you were still in the hospital."
The
door opened and he stuck his head in, pausing tentatively at the threshold.
"Released me this afternoon. I wanted to stop by and see Phillip and
Jamie, let them know I'm okay."
"I'm
sorry, they're not home. They went with Lee to get a Christmas tree for the
bedroom." She chuckled ruefully. "Since I seem to be stuck here for a
while, they decided to bring the holiday to me this year."
Joe
smiled, leaning heavily on his cane as he moved closer to the bed. "That's
what your mother told us."
"Us?
Is Carrie with you?"
"She's
downstairs. Getting step-by-step instructions from Dotty on how to cook a
Christmas goose."
She
raised one eyebrow archly. "No nouvelle cuisine this time?"
"Uh,
no. Carrie's sister and her family are flying in next week, and I kind of
suggested she might want to try a more traditional recipe." He gave her a
conspiratorial smile. "Especially since Marvelous Marvin's is closed on
holidays."
"Lee
has a big mouth," she muttered ruefully. "That was supposed to be
'need to know'."
"Well,
we were in those mountains for a long time," Joe grinned. "It seemed
like the safest subject to discuss."
Amanda
light laughter mixed with Joe's, her merriment slowly changing to concern as
she watched him lean heavily on his cane with both hands. "Your leg's
giving you a lot of trouble, huh?" she asked, noting the grimace of pain
he was struggling to hide.
"It's
improving, but slowly," Joe mumbled, clenching his teeth as he limped
towards her. "The doctors said I was lucky not to lose it. A few more days
and it might have been too late. I probably should have taken those crutches
they offered, but they just made me feel like such an invalid."
"Oh,
Joe. . . here," she said quickly, scooting to the middle of the bed to
make room. "Take your weight off it. You shouldn't overtax yourself, you
just got out of the hospital for goodness sake."
"I'm
okay," he murmured, glancing nervously over his shoulder. "I don't
want to. . ."
"Don't
be silly," she said, smiling dryly at his hesitation. "It's perfectly
safe. Lee won't materialize suddenly with an overwhelming urge to defend my
honor. I think we're all past that point by now, don't you? Come on," she
added in response to his smile, "sit down before you fall down."
"Ohhh,"
he sighed as he eased himself down on the end of the bed. "That's a lot
better, thanks."
"Good."
She made a show of pulling the quilt around her, taking a few seconds to really
look at her ex-husband. He appeared remarkably fit considering his ordeal, if
you didn't count the far-off, wintry look in his eyes, the deepening lines on
his forehead, or the gray in his hair which suddenly seemed more pronounced.
"So, Joe," she asked in a quiet voice. "How are you,
really?"
"I
don't know," he replied honestly. "Shell-shocked, elated to be home,
thoroughly exhausted, very grateful to be alive – you name it, I think I've
felt in the last few days."
"A
real roller coaster ride, huh?" she sympathized. "Give yourself some
time. It will even out eventually."
"The
voice of experience?" he asked, his eye catching hers in a look of
ineffable sadness. "I've never asked you, Amanda – I guess it never
occurred to me until now. You know what I'm going through, don't you? You've
experienced it firsthand."
"I'm
glad you're home, Joe," she said, wrapping her arms around herself as she
turned her gaze toward the window. A few wispy clouds filled the rectangular
frame, white darkening to gray in the orange-blue evening sky. "Let's just
leave it at that, okay?"
"Okay."
His eyes swept over her appraisingly, a silent acknowledgment of the seasoned
professional she'd become. "I should have listened to you, Amanda,"
he said in a low voice. "You and Lee both. Instead, I insisted on going
down there, insisted on putting myself in the middle of a powder keg."
"You
thought you were helping. You care about people, Joe King. It's one of the things I've always loved
about you."
"Do
I? I don't know anymore." He looked down, wincing slightly as he carefully
positioned his leg on the side of the bed. "I had a lot of time to think
while I was enjoying the hospitality of the FMNL. Time to think and to wonder.
. ."
"Wonder
what?"
"About
past choices," he said at last, emitting a sigh from deep within his
chest. "You know, when I took the job with the EAO all those years ago, I
told myself I wanted to make a difference in the world. But maybe my motives
weren't so noble at all. Maybe. . . I was just being selfish."
"Oh,
Joe, I don't believe that for one minute."
"I
think, on some level, I wanted the job with the EAO to make a difference with
us, Amanda. Hear me out," he added quickly, seeing that she was ready to
interrupt again. He took a deep breath, leaning forward slightly to look her in
the eye. "You know things weren't working for us before I left that first
time. To be honest, they hadn't been since Jamie was born." He sighed
deeply. "I guess I thought maybe if you joined me in Africa, could really
share my work, that it might turn the tide. It would give us something new to
focus on and then maybe. . . well, maybe our marriage would work again,
too."
"Kind
of like a partnership," she said in a small voice.
"Yeah.
See, when you found excuse after excuse not to go with me, I told myself you
just wanted a more traditional life, that you didn't want a career." He
sighed again, his eyes darkening in resignation. "But you just didn't want
it with me."
"Be
fair, Joe. You didn't really want it with me, either. Or things wouldn't have
ended the way they did."
"You're
probably right," he admitted, rubbing his forehead thoughtfully. "I
guess I've just had too much time to take stock of my life lately," he
stated sadly. "And I'm not sure I like what I see."
"Sweetheart,"
she asked, frowning slightly as he massaged his neck with his hand. "Is
everything okay between you and Carrie?"
"Yes.
Things are fine with Carrie. I've just been thinking a lot about the
boys." He gave her a bittersweet smile, shifting uncomfortably on the edge
of the bed. "I guess sometimes I feel a little like the odd man out where
they're concerned."
"That's
ridiculous. Phillip and Jamie certainly don't feel that way," she stated
emphatically, adding quickly as she caught his puzzled look, "I thought
the three of you had talked things out the other night in the hospital. That's
what the boys told me."
"We
did. They're really great kids, you know. I just wish I'd played a bigger part
in making that happen."
"They
love you, Joe. You're their father."
"An
absentee father, Amanda. At best, that's what I've been. At worst. . ."
"Don't
talk nonsense," she admonished sternly. "You've been a huge part of
their lives since you moved back to D.C. And even while you were away, they
always knew you how much you cared."
"Even
Phillip?" he asked doubtfully. "A lot of his problems can be laid
directly at my door."
"Sorry,
I can't let you take all the credit for Phillip's problems. That's something
you're going have to share equally with me."
"You're
not the one who left him without a father."
"No,
I'm the one who lied to him," she snapped. "You don't have a corner on the guilt market, you
know." She reached out, closing her hand tenderly around his, adding in a
gentler tone, "Which is something you'd realize if you were thinking
clearly at the moment. Give yourself some time to get past what happened in Santarilla,
and things will look better. Trust me."
"Maybe."
He exhaled loudly, giving her a brotherly pat as he laid his other hand atop
hers. "So, what are we going to do about Phillip?"
"Give
him a little space, I think. That's what Lee and I are trying to do. And let
him know we love him. He's a good kid, and this incident with the police has
shaken him up pretty badly. He'll figure things out, I know he will."
"And
you, Amanda?" He looked at her searchingly. "Are you okay?"
"I'm
just fine."
"When
Phillip told me that you'd almost lost the baby, well. . . I'm not sure I
could've handled that. If Lee had been here with you instead of running after
me. . ."
"It
wouldn't have changed anything." She let out a deep sigh, turning her gaze
briefly to the window, then back again. "I would have still been pushing
myself too hard. What happened – happened," she continued in a low voice.
"What matters now is that we made it through okay. All of us. The past is
past, Joe, we can't change it."
"You're
right, as usual," he agreed, the beginnings of a smile playing at his
lips. "It's the future that matters."
"And
it's gonna be a great one, don't you think? We all have a lot to look forward
to - Lee and I, you and Carrie."
She
watched Joe draw another deep breath, his face brightening visibly as he let it
out. "I guess we're all pretty lucky at that." The loud clatter of
pans reached them from the kitchen below, Joe's smile dissolving into a broad
grin as he caught Amanda's eye. "Especially if your mother can manage to
teach Carrie how to cook."
"Well,
it is the season for miracles," she laughed. "I guess there's no harm
in wishing for one close to home."
"Nope,"
he grinned in return, gently squeezing her hand. "No harm at all."