Authors note: It has come to my attention that many of our British counterparts are under the impression that we Americans are trying to steal Harry Potter. This is not true. We already have. In true American style may I present:
LEAVE IT TO WEASEL
Script Writer: HiBob
Cue theme music
Roll credits
Starring: Hugh Downs as Albus Dumbledore
Barbara Billingsley as Minerva Dumbledore
Tony Dow as Harry
and
Jerry Mathers as The Weasel
Scene One: Front Door
(Draco knocks on door. Minerva opens door.)
Draco: Good morning, Mrs. Dumbledore. You're looking very well today. Is that a new
hairdo, by any chance. It brings out your eyes quite nicely.
Minerva: Why yes it is, Draco. How kind of you to notice. And what can I do for you
today.
Draco: I was just wondering if Harry were at home.
Minerva: Yes, he is, Draco. Why don't you go right on up. I'm sure he'll be happy to see
you.
(End Scene)
Scene Two: Bedroom
(Harry sitting on bed, polishing broomstick. Ron facing him, holding skateboard.)
Ron: Aw c'mon, Harry, please.
Harry: Geez, Weaz, I don't think mom and dad would go for it.
Ron: Yeah, Harry, if I ask 'em. But if you ask them...
Draco: (entering room) Hey, Harry, What's the weasel up to now?
Harry: Oh, hi Draco, Weaz wants to ride his new skateboard but dad hasn't put a No-
Spill spell on it yet.
Ron: Yeah, and if he does, all the guys'll think I'm a sissy.
Draco: No way, shrimp, I always put it on my skateboard, everybody does. The cool part
about it is to make it look like you don't have one.
Harry: Yeah, like the time you fell.
Draco: That's hard to do. AND it did get Pansy to talk to me. So you see, squirt, its all
in the style.
Ron: Oh, wow, I didn't know that. Thanks Draco. I'm going to talk to dad right away.
(Exits with Skateboard)
Draco: Sissy
Harry: That wasn't nice, Draco. So anyway, what do you want?
Draco: I was just wondering if you were going to the Yule Ball. I've already got my date
lined up. Pansy Parkinson, You know all the guys are gonna be looking at me.
So, who are you bringing?
Harry: I haven't decided yet.
Draco: Oh No, Harry, you're not gonna ask Hermione, are you. She's totally dull. She's
a loser. Her idea of a good date is going to the library.
Harry: That wasn't a date. She was just helping me study for my potions test.
(Enter Albus and Minerva)
Albus: Hello, boys, What were the two of you talking about?
Draco: Oh, Hello Mr. Dumbledore. We were just discussing who we were taking to the
Yule Ball. I was suggesting Hermione Granger. She is quite an intelligent girl,
and she has a wonderful smile.
Albus: If you feel that way, Draco, why haven't you already asked her.
Draco: Oh, I was going to, Mr. Dumbledore, but my mother wants me to take her friends
daughter to the dance. Otherwise she might not have a date.
Minerva: That was very generous of you, Draco, you should be proud of yourself.
Draco: Thank you, Mrs. Dumbledore. But if you will excuse me, I have to be going.
Minerva: Draco, we just wanted to thank you for what you said to Ron.
Draco: Oh, It was my pleasure, Mrs. Dumbledore, I'm always glad to help little Ronald
in any way that I can.
Minerva: It was a very nice thing you did.
Albus: Although I don't know why.
Minerva: (laughing He's only joking, Draco. Would you like some cookies before you go,
I've just finished baking some.
Draco: That would be wonderful, Mrs. Dumbledore. May I bring some home to mother?
I know she would appreciate it.
Minerva: Of course, Draco.
(Minerva and Draco exit)
Albus: So, Harry, who is Draco taking to the dance. It wouldn't be the Parkinson girl,
would it.
Harry: Yeah, dad, and you know she's just using him to get in. If he's lucky, she'll
dance one dance with him, and then she'll spend the night dancing with every
other guy there. It's not fair.
Albus: You're right, son, but I think Draco deserves it.
Harry: Now that you mention it, Draco does tend to be a creep at times.
Albus: Well, you've done a fine job polishing your firebolt. How about we go
downstairs and see if Draco left any of those cookies your mother made.
Harry: Geez, Dad, that would be swell.
(End Scene)
Scene 3: The Park
Hermione: Harry, how dare you ask me to go to the dance two days before and expect me to
say yes.
Harry: Geez, Hermione, I'm sorry, I just never thought to ask you.
Hermione: That's right, Harry, you never thought, and besides, I already have a date to the
dance, Viktor Krum.
Harry: Viktor Krum? But he doesn't even go to our school. He goes to Durmstrang
High.
Hermione: Your just jealous because he's a better seeker than you are. Besides, he asked me
weeks ago. He said it would make him proud to escort me to the Yule Ball. Did
you really think I'd just wait around for you to ask me.
Harry: How was I to know you'd have a date. Now who am I gonna take.
Hermione: Harold Potter Dumbledore, is that what you think of me. That I couldn't even get
a date. Well, Viktor definately thinks more of me than you do. I don't want to
talk to you again, ever. (Exits)
Ron: (Enters) Geez, Harry, what'd you do to get Hermione all mad like that.
Harry: All I did was ask here to the dance. But she already has a date. I'll never
understand girls.
Ron: Yeah, me neither.
Harry: Hey, what happened to you.
Ron: The guys dared me to ride my skateboard down the big hill on main street.
Harry: Where they're repaving the road.
Ron: Yeah, and I ran right into a bucket of tar.
Harry: Why didn't you just jump off, Weaz.
Ron: I couldn't. Dad's No-Spill Spell wouldn't let me.
Harry: Geez, Weaz, Dad's gonna kill you when he sees you like that. Well, pick up your
skateboard and I'll take you home.
Ron: Can't
Harry: Why not.
Ron: The tar. My foot's stuck.
Harry: Well, put your other foot on and I'll push you.
Ron: OK. (Pause) Harry, why aren't you pushing.
Harry: I'm looking for a clean spot, Weaz, you're pretty messy.
(End Scene)
Scene 4: Living Room
(Albus, Minerva, Harry, Ron)
Allbus: There you go, Weasel, You're all cleaned up. Please try to be more careful next
time.
Ron: Thanks, Dad.
Minerva: I don't understand you, Ron, Why did you do something like that in the first
place, just because someone dared you.
Harry: He had to, Mom, if he didn't all the other guys would think he was a sissy.
Ron: Yeah, Mom, and now they think I'm really cool.
Minerva: Ronald, I don't think...
Albus: It's all right, dear, no harm was done. And like Weasel said, now everyone thinks
he's cool.
Minerva: I guess you're right, Albus. Come on, Ron, lets get you ready for bed.
(Exit Minerva and Ron)
Harry: The Weasel's really gonna get it, huh, Dad.
Albus: Well, Harry, what he did was really dumb. I think you understand that.
Harry: I guess.
Albus: And how about you. Did you ask Hermione to the dance.
Harry: Yeah, but she already has a date. Dad, what am I going to do. I can't go to the
dance by myself.
Albus: Have you tried asking any of the other girls.
Harry: Naw. They all got dates already. It's my own stupid fault waiting till the last
minute.
Albus: Well, you know, Harry, I was thinking of taking your mother out to dinner that
night. I was thinking you could take care of the Weasel for us.
Harry: I can't do that, Dad, I the Seeker for the Hogwarts High team. I gotta go to the
dance.
Albus: You could take your brother with you.
Harry: Yeah, Dad, you're right, I can't take a date with me if I'm stuck babysitting my
kid brother. I'll just tell the guy's I'm stuck with the little twerp.
Albus: I wouldn't put it that way, but I'm glad you see what I mean.
Harry: Thanks, Dad, You're the greatest, I'll tell Weasel right now.
Albus: You're welcome, Son.
(Exit Harry)
Albus: Sometimes, we get lucky.
(End Scene)
Scene 5: The Dance
(Harry, Ron, sitting at table)
Ron: Geez, Harry, this is really great. What's the name of the band, they're really cool.
Harry: They're called "Bad Haggis."
Ron: What's Haggis.
Harry: It's lamb guts and liver all chopped up. Then they mix it with oatmeal and cook
it in the lambs stomach.
Ron: What do they do with it.
Harry: They eat it, Weaz.
Ron: Harry, I think I'm going to be sick.
Harry: It's not that bad, Weaz, it's kinda the same stuff they put in hotdogs.
Ron: Harry, I am going to be sick. (Exits)
Draco: (Enters) Hey, Harry.
Harry: Hey Draco. Where's Pansy.
Draco: She's saying hi to some friends, but don't worry, man, we're gonna get together
later.
Harry: Yeah, right.
Draco: What's the Weasel doing here, couldn't you get a date.
Harry: My folks were going out. I got stuck babysitting.
Draco: Good cover, Harry, your secrets safe with me. Well, gotta go, don;t want to
disappoint all the girls. (Exits)
(Enter Ron with two hot dogs, one partially eaten)
Ron: Hey, Harry, wanna hot dog.
Harry: I thought you were sick.
Ron: I was but then I got hungry. I figure haggis can't be that bad if you just don't
think about what's in it. Want one.
Harry: Naw, I'm just not feeling hungry.
(Enter Pansy and Viktor)
Pansy: Hi, Harry. Who's this.
Harry: Hi, Pansy. This is my kid brother, Wea....uh, Ron.
Ron: Hi, all the guys call me Weasel. Hey, you're Viktor Krum. I saw your last
Quidditch match, where you ran Harry into the ground with the Wronski Feint.
That was great.
Viktor: Thank you, Veasel. I'm sorry, Harry, I hope you weren't hurt.
Harry: Naw, Viktor, I shoulda known better, its one of your best moves.
Pansy: (Sitting down) Harry, can I ask you a favor.
Harry: Sure, Pansy, What.
Pansy: If anyone asks, you brought me to the dance tonight.
Harry: I guess, but why.
Pansy: I told my father you were taking me. If he finds out it was Draco, he'll kill me.
He hates Draco more than he hates Viktor.
Harry: Why does he hate Viktor.
Viktor: Because I am from Bulgaria. Is not a popular place to be from. Her-mi-o-knee
invited me so that I could meet Pansy here. You are lucky to have such a
girlfriend.
Harry: What do you mean, lucky.
Viktor: She tells me you let her break date so she can take me. Thank You.
Pansy: Thanks to both of you.
Harry: If you guys are gonna be here for a while, could you watch the Weasel for me.
Ron: I don't need watching.
Harry: Then why do you have relish on your shirt.
(Ron begins picking relish off shirt, eating it)
Pansy: We'll be happy to watch him, Harry.
Viktor: Veasel, do you like Quidditch.
Ron: Yeah, it's the greatest.
(End Scene)
Scene 6: The Dance
(Hermione standing by punch bowl, holding cup)
(Enter Harry)
Harry: Hi.
Hermione: What do you want.
Harry: Viktor told me how you broke off our date so he could come. Look, Hermione, I
know I've done a lot of stupid things, and you have every right to br made at me,
but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. That was a really nice thing you did.
Hermione: Usually, when a guy walks up to a girl, he asks her to dance.
Harry: I'll have to ask my date first.
Hermione: your date.
Harry: Yeah, Pansy just told me I asked her to come.
Hermione: I Don't think she'll mind. (Points to dancefloor)
(Cut to Pansy and Viktor dancing) (Cut back)
Harry: Then where's my brother.
Hermione: It seems Mr. Snape got stuck babysitting as well. (Points again)
(Cut to Ron and unknown girl his age dancing) (Cut back)
Harry: Would you like to dance.
Hermione: (Puts down cup) I would love to.
(End Scene)
Scene 7: Living Room
(Albus, Minerva, Pansy, Viktor, Mr. Krum, Mr. Parkinson)
(Harry enters)
Harry: Mom, Dad, I'm home. What's up.
Albus: Son, Mr. Parkinson said you lied to him about taking Pansy to the Yule Ball. Is
that true.
Harry: Geez, Dad, I never even talked to Mr. Parkinson.
Parkinson: Pansy told me that Harry was going to take her to the dance. Then I overheard the Malfoy boy talkking about how she danced all night with that Krum boy.
(Enter Ron)
Krum: And vot is vrong vit my son.
Minerva: Mr. Parkinson, I've seen Viktor around and he seems like a very nice boy.
Parkinson: But, Mrs. Dumbledore, he comes from Bulgaria. And you know what those
people are like.
Ron: Geez, Mr. Krum, If you're like all those people, why are you here.in this country.
Krum: I tell you, Veasel, because I vould rather live in this country.
Parkinson: I'm sorry, Mr. Krum, I never thought of it that way. Viktor, I apologize. I
promise from now on I'll treat you just like her other boyfriends.
Pansy: Daddy.
Parkinson: OK, OK, I'll treat him nicer than the other boys.
Pansy: Thank you, Daddy.
Viktor: I thank you, Mr. Par-a-kin-sin.
(End Scene)
Scene 8: Bedroom
(Albus standing, Harry sitting, Ron in bed)
Albus: That was a very wise thing you said earlier today, Weasel.
Harry: Yeah, Weaz, I didn't think you had it in you.
Ron: Geez. thanks Harry. Dad, I know I did something smart but I don't know why it
was smart.
Albus: (Sitting on Ron's bed) Well, son, sometimes grownups know so many things, we
miss the little details that are most important.
Harry: That's right, Weaz, and you know so little you had plenty of room in your head to
see what was wrong.
Ron: Geez, Dad, if I'm so smart because of all the stuff I don't know then I don't want
to learn anything.
Albus: I wouldn't worry about that, Weasel. Good Night.
Ron: G'Night Dad, G'Night Harry.
Harry: G'Night Weaz.
(Fade Out) (Cue Credits)
Disclaimer: JK Rowling does own the Harry Potter Characters.
The Leave It To Beaver characters are owned, I don't know by whom, but it is not
by me.
Bad Haggis is owned by themselves.