A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR WAY....
(STAR WARS THEME)
EPISODE II
THE
CHRONORABUS
THEORY
IT WAS THE YEAR 3004 A TIME WHEN THE EVIL EMPIRE DID NOT RULE THE GALAXY. IT WAS TIME OF GREAT STRUGGLE AS THE REBELLION HAS TO DO STUPID THINGS JUST TO EARN A BUCK. BUT THEY ALSO HAD A CREW OF TWO MEN WHO HAD THE HEARTS OF WARRIORS THESE MEN LIVED ABOARD THE VESSLE CHRONORABUS.
AS THE MEN DISPOSED OF EVIL LEFT AND RIGHT THEY ENCOUNTERED MANY THINGS IN THEIR LIFE BUT WHO EVER WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT THEIR ADVENTURES IN THE REBELLION WOULD BE LIKE THIS …………
ACT I
3004 AD
Aboard the Vessel Chronorabus, which looks a lot like a spoon with a marble glued to it…
(Pan across stars to ship shooting through the solar system, being chased by a giant fork)
(Inside ship, emergency lights flashing, loud noises)
Private Amazing: Sir, we're under attack, we need to lose some dead weight to make the jump to subspace speed.
Captain Dangwap: Private Amazing, Quickly jettison the cargo bay!!!!
Amazing: Sir!!! Lieutenant Fang is in that bay!!!
CD: Damn it man! Jettison the damn bay you damn fool!!! Now, damn it!!!
Amazing: But sir….
CD: Damn it!! Throw the damn switch you damn fool!!
Amazing: (Hesitant to throw the switch) May god have mercy on our souls. (dramatic music plays) And may that brave lieutenant fly with the grace of heaven as he ascends from this world to the next one. For I will miss his eternal heart! I will miss all the good things when…
CD: Shut your damn mouth and throw the damn switch, ya damn moron!!!!
Amazing: Yes sir!! With this very hand I will pass judgement and-
CD: Damn it!!!
Amazing: Sorry. (throws the switch and noise sounds!)
(show escape capsule falling into toilet, toilet flushes)
(Lt. Fang Screaming)
(Back to ship)
Amazing: Captain Dangwap…this can't be…according to our sensors, he's been flushed down a black hole.
CD: That's too damn bad. Give his damn family some flowers. Make sure they're fresh.
Amazing: What have we done….
(Ship goes into subspace speed)
15 years later…
(pan down to captain Amazing, with robotic arm, sitting silently awaiting the council to begin speaking)
Councilmen: Please gentlemen take your seat. You have been called to this council on a matter of utmost importance and classification. Therefore I ask that you not tell anybody this stuff. Please. Thank you in advance.
Amazing: Cut to the chase. I have a dentist appointment.
Councilmen: Very well. We'll cut to the chase. We need your special skills once again. You have been called upon for a most important mission. Code named: Chronorabus.
Amazing: Why me? Why? I've retired. The Stoned Wars are over. I'm a changed man.
Councilmen: Normally we would not have called you. But this isn't normally. This is something very, uh, un-..normally
Amazing: What, Unnormally? Is that even a word?
Councilmen: Yes. Yes it is. Now please, no more questions. All your questions will be answered by this transmission we received 13 hours ago.
(shot of Tape being inserted into VCR)
(Tape: Admiral making fuzz noises with his mouth…)
Admiral Dangwap: This is Admiral fzzzz Dang fzzzz Wap. We need help fzzzzzz Ship attacked fz crew dead fzzzz DAMN fzzzz New Enemy fuzzzz Damn Black Hole fzzzz Lieutenant Fang a live fzzzzz dammmmmmmmnnnnn ittttttttffffffzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
(Shot of tape ejecting)
(Shot of Amazing drooling and asleep in his chair)
Councilmen: Captain. Ehhm. Captain, CAPTAIN!!!!
Amazing: What, huh, oh yea. That was so sad.
Councilmen: As I'm sure you noticed, that was your old commander, Admiral Dangwap. From what we've established we know we now know very little, and still have a lot to figure out. We have established, however, that the person behind this atrocious crime was Chinese.
Amazing: Yea I knew the guy. I'm the one that flushed him out of the ship. (dramatic music playing) That day forever changed my life. My heart and soul were hardened to the fragile thing that we call human life. From that moment on-
Councilmen: Yea. Really? Well shut-up. As we were saying, this mission will pit you against the most dangerous of hazards, and the most frightening of scary things. Therefore we have called in some assistance. The man named, Caain Shroud. He is the last of the great PimplyPo Empire. He is a Tungsten Knight. He controls things that are beyond our meager comprehension. Want to meet him?
Amazing: OK
(shot of door opening, Caain walking through dramatically)
Caain Shroud: What's up man?
Amazing: Nothing, It's all good.
Councilmen: Now that you've been introduced, your journey must begin. Time is of the essence. Take your ship, The Decadium Sparrow and go. Travel to the Planet Crappé. You must find this new dark threat, and destroy it for the good of the Galactic Playhouse. We have Confidence in you. Now get the hell outta of my office.
Script:
And So the Greatest Adventure Begins…
(Ship suspended in space)
Day one
(Show's Captain and Caain playing video games)
Gaybo3x: Hello I'm Gaybo3x and this is my counterpart R2detour
(R2detour beeps)
Gaybo3x: Cain, sir that was an excellent job on that last round.
Caain: Gee, thanks.
Gaybo3x: You really are good at that.
Caain: (Whispering to Amazing) Is that robot, uh, like…
Amazing: The gay ones are cheaper.
Caain: Ohh. OK.
(R2-Detour beeping, in fear, wildly as Gaybo3x starts petting him)
Day two
(Robots watching as Caain and Amazing sitting playing video games)
Caain: Holy Crap, we were supposed to be out of here two days ago!
Amazing: Wow, I guess you're right. Okay, lets start this thing.
(Turns key in ignition)
(Ship flying through Galaxy)
(Two guys shaking in their seats as the ship blasts away)
Day three
(Shows ship approaching Planet Crappé)
(Shows ship landing on Planet Crappé)
(Doors of mighty ship open, and the two step out)
Amazing: This strange and alien planet is strange. There are many strange and amazing things here like me I'm Amazing.
Caain: Yes. This place sucks.
Amazing: Well, lets go. Which direction do you feel we should go? Use your mystical Tungsten powers.
Caain: Ugh, (closing eyes, fart noise comes from off camera) our destinies will lead us….there.
Amazing: What there? East?
Caain: Yea, whatever. Just make sure we get to that evil looking palace.
Amazing: (looks at where he is pointing)
(Camera shot of palace)
Meanwhile, in the dark palace
Emperor Lastant: (sits in his chair, unknown figure) HA ha ha ha ha!!! Soon my master plan will be complete… The Galaxy will be ours. You will have your revenge. And I will have mine. We will have ours HA ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!
Chan woo Fang: I don't understand master. Why have we not destroyed the Galactic playhouse? We have the power within our hands.
Lastant: Silence. The time will come. You shall have your revenge on Captain Amazing. The time will come that I too will have mine.
(Back to Amazing and Caain)
(Shot of Amazing laying in bed, tossing from nightmare)
Amazing: (Ubernoodle Fight against Lastant in dream {Choda comes out and says "Use the Porsche"} battle continues against Lastant ending in Lastant hitting the camera with him Ubernoodle and laughing) No..no…Lastant…where are you…..NOOOOOO!! (awakening breathing hard, looks at Caain who is standing over him) I had a dream. A vision of the future. There was this man and a weapon of mass destruction. An evil man…
Caain: Yes I know. You have seen your destiny. The man you called, "Lastant." There is much I must tell you so that you may know your destiny. You see…I am the last of the Tungsten Knights. And as the legend goes, it is my duty to kill the Lastant, a being of legend. This legend of my people say that the Lastant was once a teacher of love and forgiveness, the founder of our world. But he was changed through the millennia. My people, fearing his power, betrayed him. They imprisoned him in a galaxy far, far away. But Chen woo Fang has freed him in exchange for the knowledge and power of the Tungsten. And only a true Tungsten Knight can kill Fang now.
Amazing: Damn I really wanted to kill him.
Caain: You will…I will train you to become a tungsten Knight, and someday you will strike down upon your enemy…with this!!! (Shnnuuuggg, pulls out his weapon of destruction, the mighty Ubernoodle)
Amazing: Wow can I have one of those?
Caain: In time you will learn to master it, and the power with in yourself.
Amazing: Are you going to teach me how to use that powerful looking weapon of destruction?
Caain: Yes, but not until the second episode.
Amazing: Wait, what's that? (pointing towards the sky)
Caain: What the big round ball thing?
Amazing: NO!! That other big round ball thing!!
Caain: What the big round ball thing? It's the Sun.
Amazing: NO!! That other big round ball thing!!
Caain: yea, it's a moon, so what?
Amazing: NO!! LOOK!! The OTHER big round ball thing!
Caain: Yea, it's another moon.
Amazing: What's wrong with you!!! Right there!!!
Caain: Okay, I see two moons, a sun, an asteroid, and a satellite. What the hell are you talking about? Wait a minute…look! Up in the sky! Using my hyper-sensitive Tungsten knight eyes, I have located a secret hidden satellite! It appears to be a giant sphere…
Amazing: That's what I ---
Caain: What? You what? You're trying to take credit for my ground-breaking discovery?
Amazing: Never mind. Look there's a ship coming from the dark castle.
(shot of evil ship coming from castle and rocketing towards the HELLSTAR)
Caain: Wait a minute…This planet was a trick, to lure us away from our ship…No…We must make it to the Decadium Sparrow!!
(Shot of the two of them running to ship, closing door of ship)
(Interior of ship: sitting down. Launching ship)
(Shot of ship leaving planet just as planet explodes)
(Amazing being taught by Caain how to use the might Ubernoodle while aboard the Decadium Sparrow)
ACT II
3019 AD
Aboard the Evil Empires HELL STAR
(Evil ship landing in docking bay of HELLSTAR)
Fang: (squinting eyes) Master, I can sense that they survived the blast.
Lastant: Yes, I know that. Did you think that I didn't know that? Why did you think that? I am the master of evil incarnate. Ya immigrant!!
Fang: Hey, shut the hell up! When are we going to kill those guys anyway?
Lastant: Very soon we will be able to strike down upon them Fang. But we must be Patient. The HELL STAR will not be fully operational until construction is finished.
Fang: Yes sir. But they're in our grasps
Lastant: You fool, don't be so stupid, as long as Caain has the power of the Ubernoodle we still don't know if the attack would be 100% effective.
Fang: Damn that Ubernoodle!!!!
Lastant: Yes…Damn indeed HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…..
(Inside the Decadium Sparrow)
Amazing: That was close. It's a good thing we were looking at those balls, if not we might have been blown for sure!!
Caain: Let this be a lesson!!! When dealing with evil, always keep an eye on their balls, for they cannot be trusted!
Amazing: I'll drink to that!! (both laughing in a corny fashion, suddenly the ship starts shaking, or camera starts shaking)
Caain: (running to consul) What the…they've got us in their plow beam!!
(Evil empire music as the ship is pulled toward the HELL STAR)
(Ship docking in the docking bay)
Fang: (with porn troopers as the doors open slowly) You pathetic fools. You thought you could escape my control? No!! (Doors open and no one is inside). What the… Where the hell are they? Damn it, this always happen to me. Unless…(saying in corny voice) Oh well. Looks like they aren't here. Darn. I'll never conquer the galaxy. Well, I better go home..
(sneaks off stage)
Caain: (whispering, as he walks out of the ship) I think he's gone! Now we must find the central computer and deactivate their shields! Then we can destroy this horrible abomination!
Amazing: Where will we find this computer.
Caain: In the dark lord's bedroom. Where else would such a device be held?
Amazing: Of course!
Fang: Not so fast!! (Pulls out his Red Ubernoodle) Ah ha we come face to face at last. I have always wanted to kill a Tungsten Knight!!
Caain: (Pushes Amazing at Fang) He's talking to you, hold him off!!
(choreograph battle that gets to the point that it's a stand off)
(Cain sneaking around HELL STAR. Finally finds the bedroom. Looks around for the computer. Finally finds it. Goes into windows. Finds file named "Diagram of HELL STAR." Copies to disk. Clicks Start, goes to start, then Shut down. Hears door creak open. Looks over to it. The Emperor comes walking in)
Lastant: (singing to himself: Born to be Wild, na na na na na na…) HEY!!! What the- Caain! We meet at last! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
(Cut back to battle between Amazing and Fang)
Fang: (being choked by Amazing) You will never be a Tungsten Knight. You will die, just like your father!
Amazing: HA!! I was raised by lesbians!
Fang: No…
(Shot of hand reaching out and noodle flying into it. Shot of Fang throwing Amazing off of him. Starting to swing noodle. Shot of noodle cutting off Amazing's robotic arm)
Fang: Ha Ha Ha !!
(Back to Bedroom)
(Caain holding disk behind his back in foreground, Emperor talking in background)
Lastant: If only you knew the truth! How soon you will be crushed under the mighty hand of the Dark Empire! Your destiny will end in failure. (pulls out Ubernoodle) Prepare to die!!!
(Shot of Caain kicking Lastant in the nuts. Shot of Lastant grabbing nuts, with mouth dropping open. Shot of him in pain on the floor as Caain runs out of the room.)
(Back to Amazing and Fang by the ship)
(Choreographed battle to the point where Amazing is lying there on the floor, bleeding. Fang is above him. Not tired)
Fang: You fight nicely. But you are no Tungsten and therefore you must die. (pulls Ubernoodle to him through the Porsche. He laughs.)
(Suddenly an Ubernoodle flies across his chest and causes him to kneel down in pain.)
Fang: Caain! Did you-
Caain: The force field has been shutdown. It's time to take care of this dark man.
(Choreographed Ubernoodle battle between the two. The final showdown between good and evil. Ends where you see Caain die. His clothes fall down, limp)
Fang: No!! (Fires pistol at them)
Caain: Run, dude run!!
(Runs to the ship firing, doors open he runs in, doors shut. From ship's perspective. You can see Fang looking at clothes and Lastant limp in to frame)
(Ship flying away from HELL STAR)
(Slow Star Wars music plays)
Amazing: (talking to robots on ship) He was a great man and I will miss him.
Gaybo3x: He was always so nice to me. I think we really could have developed our relationship further. He had a nice butt too. (R2-Detour beeps)
Caain: (ghostly voice) You must go to Rayola.
Amazing: Caain!! I can hear you!! Is this the power of the Porsche? Are you speaking to me from the undead?
Caain: (Pops up from behind the seat) No, I'm right here.
Amazing: AAAAAhhhh!! You're dead!!! How can..? I saw you die!!
Caain: What are you talking about?
Amazing: I saw Fang kill you in cold blood.
Caain: What that? No, That was just an old Tungsten trick. My teacher Choda taught it to me. I'm not dead. This isn't Star Wars©.
Amazing: So what do we do now?
Caain. We must return to the Galactic Playhouse headquarters and give them this disc to analyze and find a weakness. Then we can crush the dark powers of the Empire.
(Caain & Amazing land on planet Rayola)
(Go to councilmen's office and give him the disc)
Councilmen: I thought I told you to get the hell out of my office?
Caain: Huh well whatever shut up! I retrieved the plans to the Hell Star they are on this disk I thought that maybe you and the rebellion could find a weakness to this mighty space station.
Amazing: Yea…What he said??
Councilmen: Ohhh?? Ok. Well why didn't you say so in the first place ya morons. Give me the plans.
Caain: Sure.
(Caain hands the councilmen the disc)
Councilmen: All right you two stay on call, while the Rebellion's computers try to find a weakness in the Empire's Space station.
Day 4
(Shot of Planet Rayola in Space)
(Shot of Macaroni and Cheese boiling on the stove)
(Shot of Caain eating Mac & cheese right out of the pan)
(Amazing eating it elegantly)
Day 5
(Caain and Amazing get a call from the councilmen to report to the briefing room)
(Caain and Amazing arrive at the briefing room)
The Bacterial Senate(Logan): Please take your seats the meeting will be begining shortly.
(Amazing and Caain get a mug of water and sit down)
TBS(Vinny): Welcome to the Bacterial Senate we make all the tough decisions . Let me start by introducing myself and my colleagues to my left we have Senator Tubby (points to west), To my right Senator Cheung (points to Ricky) and at the end of the table (pointing to Logan)we have Senator Lastant and the other end of the table (Points to Mike)is Senator Cortex and myself I am Senator Conrad. And the head of this Senate is Commander Batron.
(Some Dramatic Music)
(Commander Batron walks through the doors)
Commander Batron: What the hell are these two asses doing here? Who the hell told you to come here.
TBS(Ricky): Well sir you did!?!
Batron: Ohh? Well shut the hell up ya Chinese bastard and stop babbling lets take our seats and get this meeting started.
TBS(West): . Thank you two for showing up as you know you were called here because we have found a weakness in the Hell Star's outer defense.
Batron: Hey Tubby? Fat Ass? Whatever the hell your name is shut the hell up and let me talk.(short pause) Thanks to you Caain and Amazing this all was possible and according to the rebellions computers we have found a weakness in the HELL STARS outer defense like fat boy said earlier. It's not much but it's something.
Amazing: Wow that's Amazing!
Caain: Your kidding?
Batron: No, We are not kidding if we were we would be laughing at the both of you right now, but that's besides the point. The reason you two are here in the first place is so that you and Amazing can help lead the attack against the Empire.
Amazing: Sorry our bad.
Batron: Damn strait it is your bad you stupid pieces of shhhh………
TBS(Mike): (Cuts off Commander Batron) Now back to business. Where were we…….. Oh yea? Here we are.. now Caain we believe that you and Amazing should lead the attack against the empire.
Batron: Now listen up you two this is important information The attack will commence in about ten days so be ready and willing for anything that you men will embark and encounter on this mission. We have great trust in both you men, the fate of the rebellion and the free world rests in your hands. Good Luck! You'll need it. And may the Porsche be with you.
(Caain and Amazing getting up from their seats shake the hand of Commander Batron and walking out of the Briefing room)
ACT III
Aboard the Hell Star
(Play empire music and show shot of the Hell Star [A.k.a. the mighty New Years Ball] hanging in space)
(Music still playing)
Lastant: (In a sentimental voice) we suffered a severe causality during that battle…
Fang: And what is that my Lord?
Lastant: We lost…our only….Porntrooper.
Fang: Son of a Bitch!
Lastant: Yes! We all are.
(Fang looks at Lastant funny)
Lastant: But that is besides the point we must prepare for their next attack! The Mighty Hell Star will be fully operational in roughly ten days. But during that time we will gather up our mightiest of pilots to pilot our Cargo-Fighters, so put an ad in the classifieds. (Pointing at Fang) And you, you little weakling you must train harder than you have ever trained before, you almost got your ass wiped by a little Captain!
Fang: Fuck you too!
Lastant: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?!
Fang: (hesitating) I said…that I can do.
Lastant: Oh? Sorry my bad.
Fang: Lord I will start training in 1400 hours.
Lastant: (In an evil manner) Yes, Yes this time we will not be caught with our pants around our ankles.
(Empire Music ends)
(Shot of the Decadium Sparrow suspended in space)
(Shot of Caain training Amazing on how to use the Ubernoodle Aboard the Decadium Sparrow)
Caain: You have now been under my apprenticeship for a whole 3½ days and in my opinion it is now time for you to move on. We must travel to the planet EXPO where you will meet the master of the Porsche.
Amazing: Alright lets go!
Caain: His name is Choda the Wise.
(Pan up to starry night)
Day 6
(pan down from starry night to shot of the planet EXPO in space)
(Interior: Decadium Sparrow)
Amazing: Are we there yet?
Caain: A Tungsten knight must have patience…and yes we are there.
Amazing: Coolness.
(Shot of Decadium Sparrow landing on planet's alien surface near a small hut) (Strange alien stumbles out of the hut)
Alien: Hello, who are you? What do you seek? Where did you buy your lovely pant?
Amazing: (Bowing with great reverence) Oh great Choda!!! I come to train as a Tungsten knight and learn from your great wisdom!! I seek to follow in the path of all those who have gone before me and became Tungsten knights, like my friend here.
Caain: That's not Choda, Dude.
Amazing: What? Who the hell are you then?
Alien: I am an alien bush. I live outside of this hut.
Amazing: Oh.
Caain: Shut up and follow me.
(Shot of Caain going into hut, closing cloth behind him, Amazing follows, but stops before going in to spit on the bush and kick it. Then he goes in. Bush left on it's side moaning in pain)
Choda: Choda the wise am I. Caain the Brave is he. But who be you?
Amazing: Uh, I am Amazing thee… Amazing. I come seeking the training of a traditional Tungsten knight.
Choda: Take this pebble from my hand.
(Shot of Amazing, grabbing it out of his hand easily)
Choda: What the-this never happen. Try again. Take this pebble from my hand.
(Caain grabbing pebble from his hand)
Choda: Damn it!! Crap!! Best three out of five?
Caain: That's Ok. We get the idea.
Choda: Oh, very good. Then we must not wait, we must begin the training!!! The evil Empire is moving in on the peaceful Galaxy!!
Amazing: (Bowing with respect) I will not fail you.
(Music plays as camera pans to darkness and stars outside window)
DAY 25
Choda: Good now, concentrate, pick this bowling ball off my foot…with your mind.
(Amazing concentrating, Choda lifted from ground, screaming and yelling)
Choda: What the hell are you doing??!!! Let me down!!! NO!!!! (Choda falls on his face) THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY.
Day 42
(All sitting down with Choda standing around him)
Choda: Time has come. Ready are you. For…this!!! (Bust out the Ubernoodle)
Amazing: Kick ass!!
Choda: Don't point it at your eyes or put in your mouth. It's not waterproof, so don't screw it up. (hands Ubernoodle to Amazing)
Amazing: (Stands up and looks down on the noodle, whips it out) That's pretty cool.
Choda: Now you must test your skills. Caain!! Come hither!!
(Dual between Caain and Amazing. Fought to a standstill. Both left tired and sweating)
Choda: Your skills have improved, but your training is not complete. You are still too fat to be a Tungsten Knight. Look at me, I used to be over 500 pounds.(Show picture of West)
Days 43 through 85, not counting day 62, Labor Day
(Training Vigorously)
DAY 86
Amazing standing on one leg, eyes closed as rocks and stuff fly in the air
Choda: Good. Feel the Porsche…in the rocks, the grass, my pants, your pants.
Amazing: I can feel it!!! It's vibrating in my pants!!! The Porsche!! It feels nice…I like that. Ohhh, yea…NO, wait, someone needs my help!!
Choda: Did you have a Porsche vision?
Amazing: No that vibrating…it was my beeper. (Takes beeper out of pants and looks at it) It's the Playhouse!! They need us Caain!!!
Choda: But your training is not complete!!! You must stay!!
Caain: They need us Choda, we must go!!
Choda: I wasn't talking to you. So shut up!
Amazing: You can't talk to my friend like that!!!
Choda: HEY, WHO GREAT MASTER, YOU OR ME? Didn't think so. So shut up your mouth.
Amazing: You can't tell me what to do ya dwarf!!
Choda: Hey, me not like you anymore!!! Me want Ubernoodle back.
Amazing: I got 'yer damn Ubernoodle right here!!! (flips him off)
Choda: Get out of my hut!!!
Caain: Master Choda!! Why-
Choda: Your friend bad influence stay away from him!!! You tell no one where I live anymore!!! This last time it is!!! Never return calls will I!!! GET OUT!! Never come!!! GO!!
Caain: Ok. Lets get our things.
(Shot of interior of hut as they walk out)
Alien Bush: HA HA. You really screwed that up, what a couple of losers. Ah ha ha ha.
(Shot of Caain and Amazing kicking the crap out of Bush and hitting it with their Ubernoodles as the bush screams in pain)
(Shot of Decadium Sparrow leaving the planet EXPO and lands at a near by rest place)
(Aboard the Vessel Chronorabus)
Amazing: Look, Caain, I said I was sorry.
Caain: Amazing…I…I don't want to talk about it.
Amazing: Caain, I'm sorry I insulted your boy friend back there, but-
Caain: DAMN IT AMAZING!! He wasn't my boy friend, why do you have to piss everyone off? Once we're done with this mission there is no us, are you clear on that? There's only you…and me. TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE, IS THAT CLEAR?
Amazing: Caain…You can't possibly mean that? Listen, I can change!! Caain…I need you!!
Caain: I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's just get to the Senate so we can kill the bad guys and get on with our lives.
Amazing: BUT!
Caain: no buts…except for maybe mine…which is very nice..
Gaybo: Hell yes!! About time someone starts thinking like I do!!
Caain and Amazing together: SHUT UP!
(Silence…Shot of the Ship shooting by the camera)
Meanwhile at the Senate…
Commander Batron: Those freaking morons better get here soon.
Senator Cortex(Mike): I called them just a second ago, give them some time to get here.
Batron: TIME!!!??? I SAID 10 FREAKING DAYS!! 10, ten fingers, ten toes, then stars on the flag, what's so damn complicated? It's been like 2 months since they were here.
Cortex (Mike): They were training to be Tungsten knights, it sounded important.
Senator Conrad (Vinny): He's right.
Batron: You're all so gay. Is it so hard to throw a couple of bombs at their damn ship? Blow it to hell?
Senator Tubby (West): The Hellstar's one tough cookie, it may look like a big fat chocolate roll…soaked in whip cream and…mmmm….but, anyways, it's more like a candy apple full of razor blades.
Batron: God, I hope you have a heart attack.
Cortex (Mike): Y'all need to shut up and look out the window.
Batron: What…THE HELL STAR IS HERE!!! HOW DID THEY GET PAST THE PLANATRY DEFENSES??? Unless…
Senator Conrad (Vinny): THERE WAS A SPY!!!
Batron: DAMN YOU Cortex!!! (shoots mike in the gut)
Cortex (Mike): AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. It wasn't me, you ass.
Batron: Oh… Sorry. If it wasn't you… then it must have been…
Senator Cheung (Ricky): (lifts up mask to reveal that he is really Chen Woo Fang) That's right! This meeting has been adjourned!! Ahahahahaha!!!!! HAha. Haha! Ha. (takes out Ubernoodle and runs Batron through)
Batron: AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Noooooooooooooooo…
Chen Woo Fang: (runs Vinny through) Get this, nipple Dripper. Hey, TUBBY!! Hungry? WHY WAIT?? (shoves twinkies down Senator Tubby's mouth till he dies)
Tubby (West): Aaaaaaaaaaa…..
Fang: Last but not least…
Cortex (Mike): Wait!! Don't kill me!! Let me join you've I've got nothing left here. All that was keeping me on the senate was my love for Tubby, but he's gone now. Everyone's left me for dead…Take me with you.
Fang: Why should I believe you?
Cortex (Mike): Because even crippled I can kick you in your Chinese nuts.
Fang: Aaaaa. Ok.
(Shot of Fang's ship flying too close to the Decadium Sparrow)
Amazing: Holy Jebas!! What was that?
Caain: I sensed a dark presence aboard that ship… Amazing…I fear something terrible has happened at the senate…WE MUST LAND IMMEDIATELY!!!
Amazing: Does this mean we're talking again?
Caain: Just fly.
(shot of the Senate with blood and stuff dripping from the walls, dead body here and there-taken from Logan's Computer)
Gaybo: Oh!! The humanity!! OH MY GOODNESS!!! HOLD ME CAAIN!!
Caain: There, there Gaybo…just don't get any ideas..
Gaybo: Oh..it's far too late for that, silly.
Caain: Riiiiggghhhttt. Amazing, are there any survivors?
Amazing: None that I can…Wait, do you hear that?
Batron: We never had a chance. There was a spy and it took you assholes long enough(Death)
Amazing: (dramatic Overhead shot with Batron in his arms) NOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FANG MUST DIE!!!
Caain: Wait, he's got something in his dead hands. Can't quite get it, one heck of a grip wait a minute (whips out Ubernoodle) Shield your eyes!! (Shot of Amazing getting sprayed in the face with blood)
Amazing: God that's nasty. What is it?
Caain: a note........ FROM FANG!!!!
Shot of the note, Fang Dictates.
Dear Caain and Amazing,
You suck. I have killed your Senate, and now I'm going to kill you. Meet me at the Hell Star after school. Come Alone, and come ready to die. Ahahahahaha. You suck.
Sincerely Your Friend,
Chen Woo Fang
(AKA Lieutenant Fang
AKA -Senator Cheung)
P.S. YOU SUCK. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Amazing: Caain..I.. I can't do it. There's not hope. I can't go on like this. We're all doomed. It's up to you Caain.
Caain: don't say that man!! (Slaps him). Pull yourself together!!
Amazing: I can't do this alone Caain, I can't without you. (sad music playing)
Caain: Listen, Amazing I'm sorry I said those things. But my emotions for you and Choda were so conflicting. I got mad. We all get mad sometimes. Whether it be over leaving the toilet seat up or offending the greatest Tungsten knight the Galaxy has ever known. I guess in the end all that matters is we have each other. Now let's go give the Empire a whipping they never forget!!
Amazing: That's great!! But shouldn't we tell the princess about all this death?
Caain: I thought this is a democracy.
Amazing: She's more of a political "entertainer"
Caain: Ohhhh, I see. So a rich and powerful whore basically?
Amazing: For the most part. Yea.
(into the Princess's room)
Princess: Who are you? What are you doing in my Royal Chambers?
Caain: Your Highness I'm afraid we have bad news.
Princess: OH? Have you now?
Caain: Yes I'm afraid the the senator has been murdered.
Princess: NOOOOOO!!!!!!
Amazing: And we cut off Batron's arm.
Princess: NOOOOO!!!!!
Caain: And By decree of law, this makes you ruler of the Galactic Playhouse.
Princess: NOOOOOOO!!!! Wait, that's good for me but on the other hand I'm a stupid slut so NOOOOO!!!!!
Gaybo: You can't be that stupid, silly.
Princess: Seeing as how I'm the one who came up with the name "Galactic Playhouse" in the first place I'm guessing yes.
Gaybo: Ohhh, come give me a hug sister.
Princess: NOOOOO!!!!!!
Amazing: Enough of this!! Let's get to the HELL STAR!!
Caain: good, take the Princess and Gaybo with us.
Amazing: Won't that be dangerous for them?
Caain: Exactly my point, young friend. You're starting to think like a true Tungsten knight. We can use their bodies as human shields if we have to.
(shot of Decadium Sparrow Flying off with Charging music in the background)
(Aboard the Hellstar)
Amazing: (to princess) Here, you must take these charges and place them on the main reactor.
Princess: Alright, but why can't you?
Amazing: Because, it's time we face our destiney
Gaybo: (Sees the Lastant and Fang) AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!! (runs off)
Lastant: So, You've come to face me at last. No simple kicking of the nuts can stop me this time. My Alligance with the darker side of The Porsche is complete. There is no escape. (Him and Fang draw Ubernoodles)
Caain: The light shall prevail.
(Caain and Amazing draw Ubernoodles)
Amazing: Caain this is just like my dream, my troubled Porsche vision!
Caain: The time to attack is now!!
(struggle between Caain and Lastant begins as the fight between Amazing and Fang rages on in the background)
Caain: You fight well my large dark foe. But the power of the right side shall provail.
Lastant: I fart on the right side with all my strength!!
Caain: Noooooooo!!!
(just action between Fang and Amazing)
(back to the princess)
Princess: Gaybo!! We've found the core!!!
Gaybo: Ohhh, It's so big!!! Mmmm, makes me home sick.
Princess: No time for that now, We've got to blow this puppy!
Gaybo: I thought you s aid there was no time for that sort of thing, silly!
Princess: GOD, STOP BEING SO GAY…bo!! (throws Gaybo down the core) Oh well, I'll claim self defense.
(back to the battle scene)
(back at the royal audience room, awards music playing as each of us are given awards)
Princess: congratulations brave warriors… I just wish a few of our dead comrades were here to see this.
Amazing: Yea, me too.
Caain: Wait What's that?? (door opens and A bunch of people walk through)
Amazing: THERE'RE ALL HERE!!! LOOK!!!
(shot of each of them as he names them off)
All my favorites, Senator Tubby, Senator (Vinny), Gaybo3X, Senator Batron….Look, THE PORN TROOPER!!! He's found himself a friend it looks like!! (shot of the porn trooper humping Gaybo's leg).
Amazing: This calls for a celebration
(roll end credits to the End music from Star Wars, then Suddenly where it says the end it stops abruptly and)
Amazing: Wait a minute this solves nothing What happened to Admiral Dangwap and Senator cortex, they never found either body
EPILOGUE
Lastant: Mhaha… Those fools. They left us aboard my Hellstar to die like an animal. They've only strengthened my hatred. Luckily we had the body of (Jar Jar's name in this movie) to feast upon as we were stranded aboard the escape pod.
Fang: Master, how will we be able to defeat the Tungsten in the future?
Lastant: I've saved something for that….
(Shot of Mike doing Acrobatics with Double Edged Ubernoodle as Logan Laughs in the background)
(fade to Black)
(STAR WARS THEME)
EPISODE II
THE
CHRONORABUS
THEORY
IT WAS THE YEAR 3004 A TIME WHEN THE EVIL EMPIRE DID NOT RULE THE GALAXY. IT WAS TIME OF GREAT STRUGGLE AS THE REBELLION HAS TO DO STUPID THINGS JUST TO EARN A BUCK. BUT THEY ALSO HAD A CREW OF TWO MEN WHO HAD THE HEARTS OF WARRIORS THESE MEN LIVED ABOARD THE VESSLE CHRONORABUS.
AS THE MEN DISPOSED OF EVIL LEFT AND RIGHT THEY ENCOUNTERED MANY THINGS IN THEIR LIFE BUT WHO EVER WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT THEIR ADVENTURES IN THE REBELLION WOULD BE LIKE THIS …………
ACT I
3004 AD
Aboard the Vessel Chronorabus, which looks a lot like a spoon with a marble glued to it…
(Pan across stars to ship shooting through the solar system, being chased by a giant fork)
(Inside ship, emergency lights flashing, loud noises)
Private Amazing: Sir, we're under attack, we need to lose some dead weight to make the jump to subspace speed.
Captain Dangwap: Private Amazing, Quickly jettison the cargo bay!!!!
Amazing: Sir!!! Lieutenant Fang is in that bay!!!
CD: Damn it man! Jettison the damn bay you damn fool!!! Now, damn it!!!
Amazing: But sir….
CD: Damn it!! Throw the damn switch you damn fool!!
Amazing: (Hesitant to throw the switch) May god have mercy on our souls. (dramatic music plays) And may that brave lieutenant fly with the grace of heaven as he ascends from this world to the next one. For I will miss his eternal heart! I will miss all the good things when…
CD: Shut your damn mouth and throw the damn switch, ya damn moron!!!!
Amazing: Yes sir!! With this very hand I will pass judgement and-
CD: Damn it!!!
Amazing: Sorry. (throws the switch and noise sounds!)
(show escape capsule falling into toilet, toilet flushes)
(Lt. Fang Screaming)
(Back to ship)
Amazing: Captain Dangwap…this can't be…according to our sensors, he's been flushed down a black hole.
CD: That's too damn bad. Give his damn family some flowers. Make sure they're fresh.
Amazing: What have we done….
(Ship goes into subspace speed)
15 years later…
(pan down to captain Amazing, with robotic arm, sitting silently awaiting the council to begin speaking)
Councilmen: Please gentlemen take your seat. You have been called to this council on a matter of utmost importance and classification. Therefore I ask that you not tell anybody this stuff. Please. Thank you in advance.
Amazing: Cut to the chase. I have a dentist appointment.
Councilmen: Very well. We'll cut to the chase. We need your special skills once again. You have been called upon for a most important mission. Code named: Chronorabus.
Amazing: Why me? Why? I've retired. The Stoned Wars are over. I'm a changed man.
Councilmen: Normally we would not have called you. But this isn't normally. This is something very, uh, un-..normally
Amazing: What, Unnormally? Is that even a word?
Councilmen: Yes. Yes it is. Now please, no more questions. All your questions will be answered by this transmission we received 13 hours ago.
(shot of Tape being inserted into VCR)
(Tape: Admiral making fuzz noises with his mouth…)
Admiral Dangwap: This is Admiral fzzzz Dang fzzzz Wap. We need help fzzzzzz Ship attacked fz crew dead fzzzz DAMN fzzzz New Enemy fuzzzz Damn Black Hole fzzzz Lieutenant Fang a live fzzzzz dammmmmmmmnnnnn ittttttttffffffzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
(Shot of tape ejecting)
(Shot of Amazing drooling and asleep in his chair)
Councilmen: Captain. Ehhm. Captain, CAPTAIN!!!!
Amazing: What, huh, oh yea. That was so sad.
Councilmen: As I'm sure you noticed, that was your old commander, Admiral Dangwap. From what we've established we know we now know very little, and still have a lot to figure out. We have established, however, that the person behind this atrocious crime was Chinese.
Amazing: Yea I knew the guy. I'm the one that flushed him out of the ship. (dramatic music playing) That day forever changed my life. My heart and soul were hardened to the fragile thing that we call human life. From that moment on-
Councilmen: Yea. Really? Well shut-up. As we were saying, this mission will pit you against the most dangerous of hazards, and the most frightening of scary things. Therefore we have called in some assistance. The man named, Caain Shroud. He is the last of the great PimplyPo Empire. He is a Tungsten Knight. He controls things that are beyond our meager comprehension. Want to meet him?
Amazing: OK
(shot of door opening, Caain walking through dramatically)
Caain Shroud: What's up man?
Amazing: Nothing, It's all good.
Councilmen: Now that you've been introduced, your journey must begin. Time is of the essence. Take your ship, The Decadium Sparrow and go. Travel to the Planet Crappé. You must find this new dark threat, and destroy it for the good of the Galactic Playhouse. We have Confidence in you. Now get the hell outta of my office.
Script:
And So the Greatest Adventure Begins…
(Ship suspended in space)
Day one
(Show's Captain and Caain playing video games)
Gaybo3x: Hello I'm Gaybo3x and this is my counterpart R2detour
(R2detour beeps)
Gaybo3x: Cain, sir that was an excellent job on that last round.
Caain: Gee, thanks.
Gaybo3x: You really are good at that.
Caain: (Whispering to Amazing) Is that robot, uh, like…
Amazing: The gay ones are cheaper.
Caain: Ohh. OK.
(R2-Detour beeping, in fear, wildly as Gaybo3x starts petting him)
Day two
(Robots watching as Caain and Amazing sitting playing video games)
Caain: Holy Crap, we were supposed to be out of here two days ago!
Amazing: Wow, I guess you're right. Okay, lets start this thing.
(Turns key in ignition)
(Ship flying through Galaxy)
(Two guys shaking in their seats as the ship blasts away)
Day three
(Shows ship approaching Planet Crappé)
(Shows ship landing on Planet Crappé)
(Doors of mighty ship open, and the two step out)
Amazing: This strange and alien planet is strange. There are many strange and amazing things here like me I'm Amazing.
Caain: Yes. This place sucks.
Amazing: Well, lets go. Which direction do you feel we should go? Use your mystical Tungsten powers.
Caain: Ugh, (closing eyes, fart noise comes from off camera) our destinies will lead us….there.
Amazing: What there? East?
Caain: Yea, whatever. Just make sure we get to that evil looking palace.
Amazing: (looks at where he is pointing)
(Camera shot of palace)
Meanwhile, in the dark palace
Emperor Lastant: (sits in his chair, unknown figure) HA ha ha ha ha!!! Soon my master plan will be complete… The Galaxy will be ours. You will have your revenge. And I will have mine. We will have ours HA ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!
Chan woo Fang: I don't understand master. Why have we not destroyed the Galactic playhouse? We have the power within our hands.
Lastant: Silence. The time will come. You shall have your revenge on Captain Amazing. The time will come that I too will have mine.
(Back to Amazing and Caain)
(Shot of Amazing laying in bed, tossing from nightmare)
Amazing: (Ubernoodle Fight against Lastant in dream {Choda comes out and says "Use the Porsche"} battle continues against Lastant ending in Lastant hitting the camera with him Ubernoodle and laughing) No..no…Lastant…where are you…..NOOOOOO!! (awakening breathing hard, looks at Caain who is standing over him) I had a dream. A vision of the future. There was this man and a weapon of mass destruction. An evil man…
Caain: Yes I know. You have seen your destiny. The man you called, "Lastant." There is much I must tell you so that you may know your destiny. You see…I am the last of the Tungsten Knights. And as the legend goes, it is my duty to kill the Lastant, a being of legend. This legend of my people say that the Lastant was once a teacher of love and forgiveness, the founder of our world. But he was changed through the millennia. My people, fearing his power, betrayed him. They imprisoned him in a galaxy far, far away. But Chen woo Fang has freed him in exchange for the knowledge and power of the Tungsten. And only a true Tungsten Knight can kill Fang now.
Amazing: Damn I really wanted to kill him.
Caain: You will…I will train you to become a tungsten Knight, and someday you will strike down upon your enemy…with this!!! (Shnnuuuggg, pulls out his weapon of destruction, the mighty Ubernoodle)
Amazing: Wow can I have one of those?
Caain: In time you will learn to master it, and the power with in yourself.
Amazing: Are you going to teach me how to use that powerful looking weapon of destruction?
Caain: Yes, but not until the second episode.
Amazing: Wait, what's that? (pointing towards the sky)
Caain: What the big round ball thing?
Amazing: NO!! That other big round ball thing!!
Caain: What the big round ball thing? It's the Sun.
Amazing: NO!! That other big round ball thing!!
Caain: yea, it's a moon, so what?
Amazing: NO!! LOOK!! The OTHER big round ball thing!
Caain: Yea, it's another moon.
Amazing: What's wrong with you!!! Right there!!!
Caain: Okay, I see two moons, a sun, an asteroid, and a satellite. What the hell are you talking about? Wait a minute…look! Up in the sky! Using my hyper-sensitive Tungsten knight eyes, I have located a secret hidden satellite! It appears to be a giant sphere…
Amazing: That's what I ---
Caain: What? You what? You're trying to take credit for my ground-breaking discovery?
Amazing: Never mind. Look there's a ship coming from the dark castle.
(shot of evil ship coming from castle and rocketing towards the HELLSTAR)
Caain: Wait a minute…This planet was a trick, to lure us away from our ship…No…We must make it to the Decadium Sparrow!!
(Shot of the two of them running to ship, closing door of ship)
(Interior of ship: sitting down. Launching ship)
(Shot of ship leaving planet just as planet explodes)
(Amazing being taught by Caain how to use the might Ubernoodle while aboard the Decadium Sparrow)
ACT II
3019 AD
Aboard the Evil Empires HELL STAR
(Evil ship landing in docking bay of HELLSTAR)
Fang: (squinting eyes) Master, I can sense that they survived the blast.
Lastant: Yes, I know that. Did you think that I didn't know that? Why did you think that? I am the master of evil incarnate. Ya immigrant!!
Fang: Hey, shut the hell up! When are we going to kill those guys anyway?
Lastant: Very soon we will be able to strike down upon them Fang. But we must be Patient. The HELL STAR will not be fully operational until construction is finished.
Fang: Yes sir. But they're in our grasps
Lastant: You fool, don't be so stupid, as long as Caain has the power of the Ubernoodle we still don't know if the attack would be 100% effective.
Fang: Damn that Ubernoodle!!!!
Lastant: Yes…Damn indeed HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…..
(Inside the Decadium Sparrow)
Amazing: That was close. It's a good thing we were looking at those balls, if not we might have been blown for sure!!
Caain: Let this be a lesson!!! When dealing with evil, always keep an eye on their balls, for they cannot be trusted!
Amazing: I'll drink to that!! (both laughing in a corny fashion, suddenly the ship starts shaking, or camera starts shaking)
Caain: (running to consul) What the…they've got us in their plow beam!!
(Evil empire music as the ship is pulled toward the HELL STAR)
(Ship docking in the docking bay)
Fang: (with porn troopers as the doors open slowly) You pathetic fools. You thought you could escape my control? No!! (Doors open and no one is inside). What the… Where the hell are they? Damn it, this always happen to me. Unless…(saying in corny voice) Oh well. Looks like they aren't here. Darn. I'll never conquer the galaxy. Well, I better go home..
(sneaks off stage)
Caain: (whispering, as he walks out of the ship) I think he's gone! Now we must find the central computer and deactivate their shields! Then we can destroy this horrible abomination!
Amazing: Where will we find this computer.
Caain: In the dark lord's bedroom. Where else would such a device be held?
Amazing: Of course!
Fang: Not so fast!! (Pulls out his Red Ubernoodle) Ah ha we come face to face at last. I have always wanted to kill a Tungsten Knight!!
Caain: (Pushes Amazing at Fang) He's talking to you, hold him off!!
(choreograph battle that gets to the point that it's a stand off)
(Cain sneaking around HELL STAR. Finally finds the bedroom. Looks around for the computer. Finally finds it. Goes into windows. Finds file named "Diagram of HELL STAR." Copies to disk. Clicks Start, goes to start, then Shut down. Hears door creak open. Looks over to it. The Emperor comes walking in)
Lastant: (singing to himself: Born to be Wild, na na na na na na…) HEY!!! What the- Caain! We meet at last! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
(Cut back to battle between Amazing and Fang)
Fang: (being choked by Amazing) You will never be a Tungsten Knight. You will die, just like your father!
Amazing: HA!! I was raised by lesbians!
Fang: No…
(Shot of hand reaching out and noodle flying into it. Shot of Fang throwing Amazing off of him. Starting to swing noodle. Shot of noodle cutting off Amazing's robotic arm)
Fang: Ha Ha Ha !!
(Back to Bedroom)
(Caain holding disk behind his back in foreground, Emperor talking in background)
Lastant: If only you knew the truth! How soon you will be crushed under the mighty hand of the Dark Empire! Your destiny will end in failure. (pulls out Ubernoodle) Prepare to die!!!
(Shot of Caain kicking Lastant in the nuts. Shot of Lastant grabbing nuts, with mouth dropping open. Shot of him in pain on the floor as Caain runs out of the room.)
(Back to Amazing and Fang by the ship)
(Choreographed battle to the point where Amazing is lying there on the floor, bleeding. Fang is above him. Not tired)
Fang: You fight nicely. But you are no Tungsten and therefore you must die. (pulls Ubernoodle to him through the Porsche. He laughs.)
(Suddenly an Ubernoodle flies across his chest and causes him to kneel down in pain.)
Fang: Caain! Did you-
Caain: The force field has been shutdown. It's time to take care of this dark man.
(Choreographed Ubernoodle battle between the two. The final showdown between good and evil. Ends where you see Caain die. His clothes fall down, limp)
Fang: No!! (Fires pistol at them)
Caain: Run, dude run!!
(Runs to the ship firing, doors open he runs in, doors shut. From ship's perspective. You can see Fang looking at clothes and Lastant limp in to frame)
(Ship flying away from HELL STAR)
(Slow Star Wars music plays)
Amazing: (talking to robots on ship) He was a great man and I will miss him.
Gaybo3x: He was always so nice to me. I think we really could have developed our relationship further. He had a nice butt too. (R2-Detour beeps)
Caain: (ghostly voice) You must go to Rayola.
Amazing: Caain!! I can hear you!! Is this the power of the Porsche? Are you speaking to me from the undead?
Caain: (Pops up from behind the seat) No, I'm right here.
Amazing: AAAAAhhhh!! You're dead!!! How can..? I saw you die!!
Caain: What are you talking about?
Amazing: I saw Fang kill you in cold blood.
Caain: What that? No, That was just an old Tungsten trick. My teacher Choda taught it to me. I'm not dead. This isn't Star Wars©.
Amazing: So what do we do now?
Caain. We must return to the Galactic Playhouse headquarters and give them this disc to analyze and find a weakness. Then we can crush the dark powers of the Empire.
(Caain & Amazing land on planet Rayola)
(Go to councilmen's office and give him the disc)
Councilmen: I thought I told you to get the hell out of my office?
Caain: Huh well whatever shut up! I retrieved the plans to the Hell Star they are on this disk I thought that maybe you and the rebellion could find a weakness to this mighty space station.
Amazing: Yea…What he said??
Councilmen: Ohhh?? Ok. Well why didn't you say so in the first place ya morons. Give me the plans.
Caain: Sure.
(Caain hands the councilmen the disc)
Councilmen: All right you two stay on call, while the Rebellion's computers try to find a weakness in the Empire's Space station.
Day 4
(Shot of Planet Rayola in Space)
(Shot of Macaroni and Cheese boiling on the stove)
(Shot of Caain eating Mac & cheese right out of the pan)
(Amazing eating it elegantly)
Day 5
(Caain and Amazing get a call from the councilmen to report to the briefing room)
(Caain and Amazing arrive at the briefing room)
The Bacterial Senate(Logan): Please take your seats the meeting will be begining shortly.
(Amazing and Caain get a mug of water and sit down)
TBS(Vinny): Welcome to the Bacterial Senate we make all the tough decisions . Let me start by introducing myself and my colleagues to my left we have Senator Tubby (points to west), To my right Senator Cheung (points to Ricky) and at the end of the table (pointing to Logan)we have Senator Lastant and the other end of the table (Points to Mike)is Senator Cortex and myself I am Senator Conrad. And the head of this Senate is Commander Batron.
(Some Dramatic Music)
(Commander Batron walks through the doors)
Commander Batron: What the hell are these two asses doing here? Who the hell told you to come here.
TBS(Ricky): Well sir you did!?!
Batron: Ohh? Well shut the hell up ya Chinese bastard and stop babbling lets take our seats and get this meeting started.
TBS(West): . Thank you two for showing up as you know you were called here because we have found a weakness in the Hell Star's outer defense.
Batron: Hey Tubby? Fat Ass? Whatever the hell your name is shut the hell up and let me talk.(short pause) Thanks to you Caain and Amazing this all was possible and according to the rebellions computers we have found a weakness in the HELL STARS outer defense like fat boy said earlier. It's not much but it's something.
Amazing: Wow that's Amazing!
Caain: Your kidding?
Batron: No, We are not kidding if we were we would be laughing at the both of you right now, but that's besides the point. The reason you two are here in the first place is so that you and Amazing can help lead the attack against the Empire.
Amazing: Sorry our bad.
Batron: Damn strait it is your bad you stupid pieces of shhhh………
TBS(Mike): (Cuts off Commander Batron) Now back to business. Where were we…….. Oh yea? Here we are.. now Caain we believe that you and Amazing should lead the attack against the empire.
Batron: Now listen up you two this is important information The attack will commence in about ten days so be ready and willing for anything that you men will embark and encounter on this mission. We have great trust in both you men, the fate of the rebellion and the free world rests in your hands. Good Luck! You'll need it. And may the Porsche be with you.
(Caain and Amazing getting up from their seats shake the hand of Commander Batron and walking out of the Briefing room)
ACT III
Aboard the Hell Star
(Play empire music and show shot of the Hell Star [A.k.a. the mighty New Years Ball] hanging in space)
(Music still playing)
Lastant: (In a sentimental voice) we suffered a severe causality during that battle…
Fang: And what is that my Lord?
Lastant: We lost…our only….Porntrooper.
Fang: Son of a Bitch!
Lastant: Yes! We all are.
(Fang looks at Lastant funny)
Lastant: But that is besides the point we must prepare for their next attack! The Mighty Hell Star will be fully operational in roughly ten days. But during that time we will gather up our mightiest of pilots to pilot our Cargo-Fighters, so put an ad in the classifieds. (Pointing at Fang) And you, you little weakling you must train harder than you have ever trained before, you almost got your ass wiped by a little Captain!
Fang: Fuck you too!
Lastant: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?!?!
Fang: (hesitating) I said…that I can do.
Lastant: Oh? Sorry my bad.
Fang: Lord I will start training in 1400 hours.
Lastant: (In an evil manner) Yes, Yes this time we will not be caught with our pants around our ankles.
(Empire Music ends)
(Shot of the Decadium Sparrow suspended in space)
(Shot of Caain training Amazing on how to use the Ubernoodle Aboard the Decadium Sparrow)
Caain: You have now been under my apprenticeship for a whole 3½ days and in my opinion it is now time for you to move on. We must travel to the planet EXPO where you will meet the master of the Porsche.
Amazing: Alright lets go!
Caain: His name is Choda the Wise.
(Pan up to starry night)
Day 6
(pan down from starry night to shot of the planet EXPO in space)
(Interior: Decadium Sparrow)
Amazing: Are we there yet?
Caain: A Tungsten knight must have patience…and yes we are there.
Amazing: Coolness.
(Shot of Decadium Sparrow landing on planet's alien surface near a small hut) (Strange alien stumbles out of the hut)
Alien: Hello, who are you? What do you seek? Where did you buy your lovely pant?
Amazing: (Bowing with great reverence) Oh great Choda!!! I come to train as a Tungsten knight and learn from your great wisdom!! I seek to follow in the path of all those who have gone before me and became Tungsten knights, like my friend here.
Caain: That's not Choda, Dude.
Amazing: What? Who the hell are you then?
Alien: I am an alien bush. I live outside of this hut.
Amazing: Oh.
Caain: Shut up and follow me.
(Shot of Caain going into hut, closing cloth behind him, Amazing follows, but stops before going in to spit on the bush and kick it. Then he goes in. Bush left on it's side moaning in pain)
Choda: Choda the wise am I. Caain the Brave is he. But who be you?
Amazing: Uh, I am Amazing thee… Amazing. I come seeking the training of a traditional Tungsten knight.
Choda: Take this pebble from my hand.
(Shot of Amazing, grabbing it out of his hand easily)
Choda: What the-this never happen. Try again. Take this pebble from my hand.
(Caain grabbing pebble from his hand)
Choda: Damn it!! Crap!! Best three out of five?
Caain: That's Ok. We get the idea.
Choda: Oh, very good. Then we must not wait, we must begin the training!!! The evil Empire is moving in on the peaceful Galaxy!!
Amazing: (Bowing with respect) I will not fail you.
(Music plays as camera pans to darkness and stars outside window)
DAY 25
Choda: Good now, concentrate, pick this bowling ball off my foot…with your mind.
(Amazing concentrating, Choda lifted from ground, screaming and yelling)
Choda: What the hell are you doing??!!! Let me down!!! NO!!!! (Choda falls on his face) THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY.
Day 42
(All sitting down with Choda standing around him)
Choda: Time has come. Ready are you. For…this!!! (Bust out the Ubernoodle)
Amazing: Kick ass!!
Choda: Don't point it at your eyes or put in your mouth. It's not waterproof, so don't screw it up. (hands Ubernoodle to Amazing)
Amazing: (Stands up and looks down on the noodle, whips it out) That's pretty cool.
Choda: Now you must test your skills. Caain!! Come hither!!
(Dual between Caain and Amazing. Fought to a standstill. Both left tired and sweating)
Choda: Your skills have improved, but your training is not complete. You are still too fat to be a Tungsten Knight. Look at me, I used to be over 500 pounds.(Show picture of West)
Days 43 through 85, not counting day 62, Labor Day
(Training Vigorously)
DAY 86
Amazing standing on one leg, eyes closed as rocks and stuff fly in the air
Choda: Good. Feel the Porsche…in the rocks, the grass, my pants, your pants.
Amazing: I can feel it!!! It's vibrating in my pants!!! The Porsche!! It feels nice…I like that. Ohhh, yea…NO, wait, someone needs my help!!
Choda: Did you have a Porsche vision?
Amazing: No that vibrating…it was my beeper. (Takes beeper out of pants and looks at it) It's the Playhouse!! They need us Caain!!!
Choda: But your training is not complete!!! You must stay!!
Caain: They need us Choda, we must go!!
Choda: I wasn't talking to you. So shut up!
Amazing: You can't talk to my friend like that!!!
Choda: HEY, WHO GREAT MASTER, YOU OR ME? Didn't think so. So shut up your mouth.
Amazing: You can't tell me what to do ya dwarf!!
Choda: Hey, me not like you anymore!!! Me want Ubernoodle back.
Amazing: I got 'yer damn Ubernoodle right here!!! (flips him off)
Choda: Get out of my hut!!!
Caain: Master Choda!! Why-
Choda: Your friend bad influence stay away from him!!! You tell no one where I live anymore!!! This last time it is!!! Never return calls will I!!! GET OUT!! Never come!!! GO!!
Caain: Ok. Lets get our things.
(Shot of interior of hut as they walk out)
Alien Bush: HA HA. You really screwed that up, what a couple of losers. Ah ha ha ha.
(Shot of Caain and Amazing kicking the crap out of Bush and hitting it with their Ubernoodles as the bush screams in pain)
(Shot of Decadium Sparrow leaving the planet EXPO and lands at a near by rest place)
(Aboard the Vessel Chronorabus)
Amazing: Look, Caain, I said I was sorry.
Caain: Amazing…I…I don't want to talk about it.
Amazing: Caain, I'm sorry I insulted your boy friend back there, but-
Caain: DAMN IT AMAZING!! He wasn't my boy friend, why do you have to piss everyone off? Once we're done with this mission there is no us, are you clear on that? There's only you…and me. TWO SEPARATE PEOPLE, IS THAT CLEAR?
Amazing: Caain…You can't possibly mean that? Listen, I can change!! Caain…I need you!!
Caain: I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's just get to the Senate so we can kill the bad guys and get on with our lives.
Amazing: BUT!
Caain: no buts…except for maybe mine…which is very nice..
Gaybo: Hell yes!! About time someone starts thinking like I do!!
Caain and Amazing together: SHUT UP!
(Silence…Shot of the Ship shooting by the camera)
Meanwhile at the Senate…
Commander Batron: Those freaking morons better get here soon.
Senator Cortex(Mike): I called them just a second ago, give them some time to get here.
Batron: TIME!!!??? I SAID 10 FREAKING DAYS!! 10, ten fingers, ten toes, then stars on the flag, what's so damn complicated? It's been like 2 months since they were here.
Cortex (Mike): They were training to be Tungsten knights, it sounded important.
Senator Conrad (Vinny): He's right.
Batron: You're all so gay. Is it so hard to throw a couple of bombs at their damn ship? Blow it to hell?
Senator Tubby (West): The Hellstar's one tough cookie, it may look like a big fat chocolate roll…soaked in whip cream and…mmmm….but, anyways, it's more like a candy apple full of razor blades.
Batron: God, I hope you have a heart attack.
Cortex (Mike): Y'all need to shut up and look out the window.
Batron: What…THE HELL STAR IS HERE!!! HOW DID THEY GET PAST THE PLANATRY DEFENSES??? Unless…
Senator Conrad (Vinny): THERE WAS A SPY!!!
Batron: DAMN YOU Cortex!!! (shoots mike in the gut)
Cortex (Mike): AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. It wasn't me, you ass.
Batron: Oh… Sorry. If it wasn't you… then it must have been…
Senator Cheung (Ricky): (lifts up mask to reveal that he is really Chen Woo Fang) That's right! This meeting has been adjourned!! Ahahahahaha!!!!! HAha. Haha! Ha. (takes out Ubernoodle and runs Batron through)
Batron: AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Noooooooooooooooo…
Chen Woo Fang: (runs Vinny through) Get this, nipple Dripper. Hey, TUBBY!! Hungry? WHY WAIT?? (shoves twinkies down Senator Tubby's mouth till he dies)
Tubby (West): Aaaaaaaaaaa…..
Fang: Last but not least…
Cortex (Mike): Wait!! Don't kill me!! Let me join you've I've got nothing left here. All that was keeping me on the senate was my love for Tubby, but he's gone now. Everyone's left me for dead…Take me with you.
Fang: Why should I believe you?
Cortex (Mike): Because even crippled I can kick you in your Chinese nuts.
Fang: Aaaaa. Ok.
(Shot of Fang's ship flying too close to the Decadium Sparrow)
Amazing: Holy Jebas!! What was that?
Caain: I sensed a dark presence aboard that ship… Amazing…I fear something terrible has happened at the senate…WE MUST LAND IMMEDIATELY!!!
Amazing: Does this mean we're talking again?
Caain: Just fly.
(shot of the Senate with blood and stuff dripping from the walls, dead body here and there-taken from Logan's Computer)
Gaybo: Oh!! The humanity!! OH MY GOODNESS!!! HOLD ME CAAIN!!
Caain: There, there Gaybo…just don't get any ideas..
Gaybo: Oh..it's far too late for that, silly.
Caain: Riiiiggghhhttt. Amazing, are there any survivors?
Amazing: None that I can…Wait, do you hear that?
Batron: We never had a chance. There was a spy and it took you assholes long enough(Death)
Amazing: (dramatic Overhead shot with Batron in his arms) NOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FANG MUST DIE!!!
Caain: Wait, he's got something in his dead hands. Can't quite get it, one heck of a grip wait a minute (whips out Ubernoodle) Shield your eyes!! (Shot of Amazing getting sprayed in the face with blood)
Amazing: God that's nasty. What is it?
Caain: a note........ FROM FANG!!!!
Shot of the note, Fang Dictates.
Dear Caain and Amazing,
You suck. I have killed your Senate, and now I'm going to kill you. Meet me at the Hell Star after school. Come Alone, and come ready to die. Ahahahahaha. You suck.
Sincerely Your Friend,
Chen Woo Fang
(AKA Lieutenant Fang
AKA -Senator Cheung)
P.S. YOU SUCK. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Amazing: Caain..I.. I can't do it. There's not hope. I can't go on like this. We're all doomed. It's up to you Caain.
Caain: don't say that man!! (Slaps him). Pull yourself together!!
Amazing: I can't do this alone Caain, I can't without you. (sad music playing)
Caain: Listen, Amazing I'm sorry I said those things. But my emotions for you and Choda were so conflicting. I got mad. We all get mad sometimes. Whether it be over leaving the toilet seat up or offending the greatest Tungsten knight the Galaxy has ever known. I guess in the end all that matters is we have each other. Now let's go give the Empire a whipping they never forget!!
Amazing: That's great!! But shouldn't we tell the princess about all this death?
Caain: I thought this is a democracy.
Amazing: She's more of a political "entertainer"
Caain: Ohhhh, I see. So a rich and powerful whore basically?
Amazing: For the most part. Yea.
(into the Princess's room)
Princess: Who are you? What are you doing in my Royal Chambers?
Caain: Your Highness I'm afraid we have bad news.
Princess: OH? Have you now?
Caain: Yes I'm afraid the the senator has been murdered.
Princess: NOOOOOO!!!!!!
Amazing: And we cut off Batron's arm.
Princess: NOOOOO!!!!!
Caain: And By decree of law, this makes you ruler of the Galactic Playhouse.
Princess: NOOOOOOO!!!! Wait, that's good for me but on the other hand I'm a stupid slut so NOOOOO!!!!!
Gaybo: You can't be that stupid, silly.
Princess: Seeing as how I'm the one who came up with the name "Galactic Playhouse" in the first place I'm guessing yes.
Gaybo: Ohhh, come give me a hug sister.
Princess: NOOOOO!!!!!!
Amazing: Enough of this!! Let's get to the HELL STAR!!
Caain: good, take the Princess and Gaybo with us.
Amazing: Won't that be dangerous for them?
Caain: Exactly my point, young friend. You're starting to think like a true Tungsten knight. We can use their bodies as human shields if we have to.
(shot of Decadium Sparrow Flying off with Charging music in the background)
(Aboard the Hellstar)
Amazing: (to princess) Here, you must take these charges and place them on the main reactor.
Princess: Alright, but why can't you?
Amazing: Because, it's time we face our destiney
Gaybo: (Sees the Lastant and Fang) AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!! (runs off)
Lastant: So, You've come to face me at last. No simple kicking of the nuts can stop me this time. My Alligance with the darker side of The Porsche is complete. There is no escape. (Him and Fang draw Ubernoodles)
Caain: The light shall prevail.
(Caain and Amazing draw Ubernoodles)
Amazing: Caain this is just like my dream, my troubled Porsche vision!
Caain: The time to attack is now!!
(struggle between Caain and Lastant begins as the fight between Amazing and Fang rages on in the background)
Caain: You fight well my large dark foe. But the power of the right side shall provail.
Lastant: I fart on the right side with all my strength!!
Caain: Noooooooo!!!
(just action between Fang and Amazing)
(back to the princess)
Princess: Gaybo!! We've found the core!!!
Gaybo: Ohhh, It's so big!!! Mmmm, makes me home sick.
Princess: No time for that now, We've got to blow this puppy!
Gaybo: I thought you s aid there was no time for that sort of thing, silly!
Princess: GOD, STOP BEING SO GAY…bo!! (throws Gaybo down the core) Oh well, I'll claim self defense.
(back to the battle scene)
(back at the royal audience room, awards music playing as each of us are given awards)
Princess: congratulations brave warriors… I just wish a few of our dead comrades were here to see this.
Amazing: Yea, me too.
Caain: Wait What's that?? (door opens and A bunch of people walk through)
Amazing: THERE'RE ALL HERE!!! LOOK!!!
(shot of each of them as he names them off)
All my favorites, Senator Tubby, Senator (Vinny), Gaybo3X, Senator Batron….Look, THE PORN TROOPER!!! He's found himself a friend it looks like!! (shot of the porn trooper humping Gaybo's leg).
Amazing: This calls for a celebration
(roll end credits to the End music from Star Wars, then Suddenly where it says the end it stops abruptly and)
Amazing: Wait a minute this solves nothing What happened to Admiral Dangwap and Senator cortex, they never found either body
EPILOGUE
Lastant: Mhaha… Those fools. They left us aboard my Hellstar to die like an animal. They've only strengthened my hatred. Luckily we had the body of (Jar Jar's name in this movie) to feast upon as we were stranded aboard the escape pod.
Fang: Master, how will we be able to defeat the Tungsten in the future?
Lastant: I've saved something for that….
(Shot of Mike doing Acrobatics with Double Edged Ubernoodle as Logan Laughs in the background)
(fade to Black)