Author's note: Finally, I have the rest of this formatted and done. The wait is over! :)
Lost and Foundering
~**~**~
Chapter Five
~**~**~
Sunlight filtered through her blinds and into her eyes, jarring Buffy
out of the nice moment she'd been having with Spike...then cold reality
brought her the rest of the way awake. She groaned both at the
realization that the dream hadn't been real, and that today was the day
she had to meet another member of the group. That guy from
England...Giles, wasn't it?
She was tired of the introductions already, but she knew it was only
the beginning. And it was terrifying to contemplate. Sure, talking to
Spike last night was one thing, but there was so much to know, so much
to relearn.
One thing was for sure, her friends' version of events hadn't been half
as detailed as Spike's. The horrible secret wasn't quite so horrible
after all, and her opinion of him hadn't been severely damaged.
Instead, she felt she knew him better than ever, possibly even more
than she did before.
She smiled unconsciously at the thought of him, then frowned in sudden
alarm. Did she even have anything decent to wear, today? And what was
the five-years-in-the-future's equivalent of looking interested, but
not desperate?
Six different outfits were discarded until she found something she
liked that wasn't too flashy, and yet didn't scream 'old maid'. Well,
*nothing* in her closet screamed that, but some tops looked
downright...mature. Dawn had informed her that halter tops were back in
style, so the black one seemed appropriate. The astounding selection of
leather--in all shades and hues--scared her into a more sedate pair of
jeans. They were a bit low, but Dawn had assured her yesterday that it
was in fashion. Black boots finished the look, and smiled at her
reflection.
"Looking good, if I do say so myself." Why she had taken so much effort
in picking out clothes didn't really filter into her consciousness. If
she'd thought about it, she might have admitted there was a chance she
hoped to impress a certain platinum blond vampire.
It was still disconcerting to see this other person in the mirror, one
who looked as if she had it all together. The truth was, she got
through each day by not thinking too hard about the realities of her
situation. Sometimes, she even allowed herself to think her mother
wasn't really gone, only on an extended vacation. The idea of visiting
her mother's grave, as well as her own, filled her with unending
anxiety,
A knock on the door disturbed her thoughts, and a voice called out,
"Are you ready, Buffy?"
It was Dawn. Buffy yelled back, "Almost. I'll be there in a minute."
Footsteps trailed away down the stairs, and Buffy fussed a little with
her hair, until she decided that it looked tolerable and left her room;
any further work to be done had to be on the inside, not the outside.
****
Tara hadn't said much as they ate breakfast. She only wished Willow
hadn't been scheduled for work today, then she could've been the one to
help re-introduce Buffy to Giles. As it was, Tara didn't feel like a
part of the gang. Not enough to stand in Willow's stead, at least.
Xander was picking Giles up at the airport and bringing him to the
house--Anya hadn't wanted any large displays of emotion scaring off her
customers, and they all figured it would be better in the long run,
anyway.
They showed up twenty minutes ahead of schedule. Tara and Dawn were
cleaning up the kitchen when the doorbell rang. Buffy volunteered to
get it, but Tara shuffled her to the living room and opened the door
herself--she wanted Giles to make it past the threshold, before he did
anything drastic.
"Tara--is she here?" were the first words out of Giles' mouth as he
came in, but as he looked into the living room, those words became
moot. He approached her cautiously at first, looking like he had five
different thoughts running through his head at once, and he couldn't
decide which one had the greatest priority. Then he smiled in relief
and joy, and let out a held breath.
Buffy smiled in an attempt to be cordial, but she wasn't prepared for
the hug that enveloped her. After a tense second, she relaxed into the
hug and let Giles hold her. It had been hard to explain the bond
between him and the Slayer, but seeing Buffy eventually hug the older
man back was enough to convince Tara that she understood, and also
cause her eyes to sting with a hint of tears. She saw Xander blink a
few times more than needed, as well, until the two separated.
"Buffy, I can't believe you're alive," Giles started, then took off his
glasses to wipe his eyes. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I forgot. They, um,
told me that you don't remember me--"
"It's okay, really. I wish I could. It sucks to not remember the last
five years of your life. If nothing else, those final years of high
school just went down the drain," she added, trying to lighten the
mood.
"Oh God, I never thought of that," Xander replied in horror. Whether it
was genuine or not, Tara couldn't tell. "Most people forget what they
learned in high school, but this wasn't even voluntary."
"You can look at my textbooks if you want to, Buffy," Dawn replied, and
her sister gave her a startled look.
"Ah, thanks, but no. If I got the diploma, that's enough for me. I
won't be doing college anytime soon. If it's August, it's too late for
that now, anyway."
"Quite right," Giles added. "Besides, we're going to have to clear up
the little matter of your, uh..."
"Demise?" Buffy filled in. "Yeah, that's a problem."
"I talked to the Council before coming here, and they're working on a
way to restore your, um, living status. Hopefully, they can cut through
the red tape and drudge up the necessary paperwork."
"Ugh. Paperwork equals forms, which is not a Buffy forte," the blonde
Slayer replied, looking less than thrilled.
Giles shuffled uneasily. "Yes, well. I don't think we'll need more than
your signature in a few places, but that's for later. Right now,
I...um, really need to use the, uh...it was a long flight, after all--"
"Upstairs, on the left," Buffy replied, and Giles nodded gratefully
before heading up the stairs.
****
After Giles came back down, looking much more relaxed than earlier, the
interrogation began. Or at least, that's how it felt to Buffy. No, she
couldn't remember anything right before ending up in someone's
backyard. Yes, she was healthy and whole--more whole than before,
considering the missing scars. No, yes, no...and so on. Giles seemed to
have a never-ending line of questions, and after a hour of being
grilled, Buffy was through with it.
He was about to ask another question when she cut in. "Giles, why don't
we call it a day, huh? Knowing my position in relevance to the
alignment of the stars that night isn't going to get us any answers."
"But, there's so much I still don't know..."
"That makes two of us, then. The horse's mouth is open, and you're
looking inside. Don't."
He sagged into the couch, weary from jet lag and the frustration of not
knowing the truth. "If we don't find out how it happened, how can we be
sure it won't reverse?"
"Reverse?" This was a strange and new concept Buffy didn't like. "Y-you
think it can reverse?"
Xander glanced at Giles, who shared another one of those looks she
hated. "I wouldn't normally think so, but this town does sit on a
Hellmouth. If someone cast a spell to bring you back, we have no way of
knowing whether it was for good or ill. Did Willow try any spells on
Buffy, Tara?"
"Um, no. I-I don't think so. She was as surprised as all of us when
Buffy showed up at the door."
"I didn't mean that Willow did a resurrection," Giles replied, trying
to smooth over her ruffled feathers. "I just wondered if she did any
detection spells or wards."
"Oh! No, not that I saw. Do-do you want me to try something? I have my
magic supplies in my room, I could do a spell to see if someone cast
anything on Buffy, maybe to block her memory."
"Blocking memory...that's an excellent idea, Tara. Would you?" The
blonde woman nodded and scurried up the stairs, leaving Buffy
completely baffled.
"You're going to do a spell, now? Before lunch? Isn't, uh, nighttime
more appropriate for these kinds of things...?"
"You'll be fine, Buffy. It won't do anything to you, it will only sense
something that's been done to you. That's all."
"Oh. Good." She suddenly wasn't feeling so good, however.
In minutes she was sitting cross-legged on the floor, while Tara
prepared the space around her for the spell. The witch's nervous
demeanor faded as she became more engrossed in the spell, and Buffy
slowly felt herself relax. The words lulled her, and soon she felt
partly sleepy, and partly weightless, with only some unknown force
keeping her in place.
It was an indeterminate time later when the spell broke, and Buffy
opened her eyes to find the group looking even more frustrated.
"Nothing, huh?"
"Well, nothing in this case can also be something," Giles hedged,
staring absently at the floor in thought. "No one's cast a spell to
block your memory, or a spell to bring you back. Which would mean..."
"...That the Powers are involved, somehow," Tara finished, her voice
softened in awe.
Buffy blinked, then asked, "You mean, the same guys who chose me in the
first place?"
"Possibly," The Watcher answered in a tone that didn't satisfy her
nerves. "If so, then obviously you weren't meant to die. But why three
months later? I don't understand."
Xander smiled. "Join the club, Giles. We Who Do Not Understand are
happy to have you."
Giles gave him a glare for his efforts, then sighed. "It's times like
these that I really miss my books."
****
It was while at work that Willow realized she still hadn't called
Angel. Thankfully she wasn't working a full shift, and an hour later
she was home, calling his office and hoping he was awake.
"Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless. How can we help you?"
"Cordelia? This is Willow. Listen, I've got some majorly wiggy news,
and you better be sitting down when I tell you..."
Her shriek at hearing Buffy was alive nearly punctured Willow's
eardrums, and the resulting babble didn't become recognizable until
Cordy took a deep breath.
"Okay, so she's fine? All her fingers and toes, no moldy parts?"
"Yes, and ew--thanks for the visual picture," Willow remarked. "Is
Angel awake?"
"Not yet. He's normally not up for another...oh, here he is."
Willow heard something that sounded like Angel, Wesley, and Cordelia
discussing something, then Cordy forced him to take the phone.
"Uh, hi Willow. Cordy won't tell me what's going on, so maybe you could
fill me in?"
"Yeah." Telling Cordelia was one thing, but how could she explain this
to Angel? "It's good news, really good news, so don't get *too* happy,
okay?"
"Willow..."
"All right, all right. It's Buffy...she's alive." Silence, then the
sound of plastic hitting something solid. "Um, hello?"
More silence, then Angel's voice came over the receiver. "Sorry. I, uh,
dropped the phone. I thought I heard you say Buffy was alive."
"That's because she is. Don't drop the phone again!" Once she got his
reassurance that he wouldn't, she continued. "Now, her memory is
missing the last five years, so it's not like everything's okay. But
she's back--it's really her."
The silence on the other end illustrated that the truth was finally
taking hold. The intrepid witch could practically feel the waves of
happiness and melancholy coming from the phone. "Willow, I need to--I
have to see her."
"She doesn't remember you, Angel," she replied sadly. "I won't say that
you can't, but you have to be prepared for it. I'm hoping that the
memories are only being repressed somehow, and aren't really gone...but
this Buffy is like ground zero Buffy, starting from scratch. She
doesn't even remember Dawn."
"How could she--oh, right. You told us about the monk's spell."
"I know, it's easy to forget. She's...staying at her old house, and
Giles is coming in today. He should be there, already. If you come up,
make sure to call ahead of time, and let us know you're coming, okay?"
"I will. As soon as the sun goes down, I'll be on my way."
They said good-bye, and Willow sagged onto her bed, worried for her
friend and Angel. What if seeing each other brought back the old
attraction, and with it, the old pain? Or what if Buffy didn't feel
anything for Angel? She wasn't sure the souled vampire could take it,
if all their shared memories were now only his.
Maybe he would change his mind...but then Willow visited RealityLand,
and shook her head. Of course he would come; how could he not?
****
Buffy was admittedly nervous about the upcoming reunion. Willow had
informed her that the former love of her life was coming up from Los
Angeles to see her, and if she believed what her gut was telling her,
they were in for a mutual, horrible experience.
Tara had been the one to take his call on when he planned to arrive,
and Buffy had stood there, petrified. What if he wanted to talk to her?
What would she say? Hey, I hear we used to be quite the pair?
Somehow, Spike had found out that Angel was coming--Buffy assumed it
was Dawn, since as soon as she'd heard the news, she had run out the
door to parts unknown--and he now sat in the living room, watching TV
with Dawn and basically killing time. Xander and Anya had volunteered
to patrol tonight--for some reason, he wasn't too interested in seeing
Angel again, but he wouldn't say why.
Willow and Tara were out on the porch, acting as a first line of
defense for Angel's arrival, while Giles spent much of his time trying
to fill the Slayer information gaps in Willow's attempt to explain her
background, as they sat in the dining room. Buffy listened with half an
ear, placing equal parts of attention to the Watcher, the potential
sound of a car driving up, and Spike and Dawn's rollicking good times
in the next room.
Giles was in the midst of explaining how the two Slayers had come
about, and noting how Buffy's second death hadn't created another
Slayer, when she heard the telltale roar of a car just arriving from
outside.
The front door opened up, and Tara poked her head in. "He's here."
As the witch darted back outside, Buffy's gaze unwittingly caught with
Spike's. He certainly didn't look thrilled, and she was sure the same
expression was on her own face. She gave him an encouraging smile that
she didn't feel, and he copied it back to her, adding a gesture that
asked if she wanted him to go. When she shook her head, he relaxed into
the couch with a half-smile still on his face.
The smile didn't last long. A male voice broke the tranquility outside,
and a short bit of conversation ensued--mostly from Willow. Buffy stood
up and tried to figure out where to stand. Close to the door, or
farther back? Maybe she should be in the living room, with Spike and
Dawn...
Then the door opened again, and all those thoughts fled from her mind.
A tall, dark-haired man, a bit on the pale side, stalked through the
door, his eyes searching for something or someone, most likely her. He
saw Spike first, and tensed as if ready to pounce. Spike's posture was
just as edgy, but his gaze flicked over to her as if both trying to
reassure her and direct Angel at the same time. She froze like prey, as
if movement would betray her, and the newcomer's eyes fell on her at
last.
Bulky was the first descriptive word to pop into Buffy's mind. His eyes
were shadowed by a brow that, truly, was caveman-like. And his hair
*did* stick straight up, she discovered to her amazement. She had to
admit, he was attractive in a manly testosterone sort of way--all arms
and shoulders. Yeah, she could see how she might have fallen for him,
back in the day. Which meant diddly-squat now, since she could look at
him and feel nothing besides a mild curiosity.
"Buffy...God, it's true." He took a hesitant step forward, then
continued, "Do...do you remember me?"
She winced, knowing this was going to hurt him. "No, I'm sorry. I don't
remember you at all. They've told me about you, though, and about me,
and...and stuff."
"Oh." There didn't seem to be anything he could add to that. "But
there's nothing else that's different, right? You're still Buffy?"
"Yes. Ah, except...all my scars are missing, even the childhood ones."
Angel stared at her neck, and Buffy self-consciously put a hand up to
deflect the gaze.
"W-what?" she asked.
"The scars from where I bit you. They're gone." He looked like someone
who'd taken a wrong turn, and just realized he left his maps at home.
Catching a glimpse of Spike from behind the bulky vampire man, Buffy
saw he was totally thrown by the news. Apparently, he hadn't noticed it
last night...and her mind narrowly escaped retreading that path while
in front of her ex-boyfriend. One who had admitted to creating bite
scars on her.
"You bit me on the neck? As in, to drain my blood?" She couldn't keep
the horror out of her voice.
"It wasn't like that, Buffy..."
"So what was it? Some sort of kinky sex thing?" Her eyes widened as
soon as she realized what she'd said. The entire house had fallen
silent.
Angel swallowed, looked down at the floor, and replied, "It was to save
my life. Your blood was the cure to this poison in my system..."
"Which made me the life-saving snack. So my blood is, what, a vampire
panacea? A nice little bonus to the Slayer package?"
Giles cleared his throat. "It was just for that poison, as far as I've
been able to determine. The only other property I'm aware of is that
the Slayer's blood is a sort of a...that is, among vampires it's
considered--"
"An aphrodisiac," Spike offered, giving her a short smile.
Buffy folded her arms and gave Spike her best--and only--glare. She
knew he was only doing it to get a rise out of her, but she couldn't
help upping the ante. "On you, it was wasted. Or maybe I'm wrong, and
you *did* need some...assistance?"
Angel stared at two of them like a spectator at a tennis match. The
other vampire's eyes narrowed before he grinned in appreciation.
"Love, as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing like it. But I can't
speak for peaches, here." Spike looked to the vampire as if waiting
eagerly for his response.
"What's with you two?" Angel said, very confused. "Buffy already knows
about Spike's past?"
Willow was suddenly looking very guilty. "I told her."
"And we just hit it off from the beginning, to boot," Spike smiled
wickedly, enjoying every moment of Angel's discomfort.
"We have...an understanding," Buffy said, suddenly feeling the need to
stick up for their camaraderie. "We're friends, now."
Thankfully, Giles hadn't been eating anything at the time, or else he
would have choked on it. "Good Lord, Buffy. An associate, I can
comprehend...but friends?"
"Hey, I can make friends with whoever I want," she replied, trying to
ignore the matching looks on Angel and Willow's faces. "It's not like I
haven't made alternate lifestyle choices in the past, right?"
"Yeah, but with Angel it was different, y'know?" Willow pointed out, as
Angel continued to shuffle his feet in misery. "He might be a vampire,
but he has a soul."
"I know, you've practically beat me over the head with that point," the
Slayer huffed, and walked into the living room to join Spike and her
sister. "Plus all the stellar things he's done with his soul, but only
after he met me."
"Hey, I--" Angel started, then paused when he realized he didn't really
have a counterpoint.
"I don't mean to be rude, or all nasty or anything, but Angel--we were
involved, and then we weren't. All the good times we had, if we really
did have them...they aren't in here anymore," Buffy tapped the side of
her head. "Nothing from the last five years is there. Nada, zip, zero.
And I'm just starting to understand what I've lost. I'm sorry, but I
can't be the Buffy you knew."
"I'm not asking--"
"I know. But I can see the 'maybe' in your eyes. 'Maybe it's
different', or 'maybe things can change'. There aren't any guarantees,
here. They already figured out it's not magical--or if it is, it's
beyond them--so we're looking at the unparanormal reasons for memory
loss. Which are usually not with the 'coming back intact' program."
Angel looked to Willow, who shrugged. Giles merely polished his glasses
and replied, "She's right. Unless this is something beyond our control,
she likely incurred this due to her restoration, or, or because of
something physical."
"Restoration? What am I, a house?" Buffy frowned in distaste.
"Tsk. Don't leave yourself open like that, pet," Spike warned with a
smile, earning a curious look from Dawn.
Buffy rolled her eyes as she realized her slip. "Right. My bad. Anyway,
so the situation boils down to this; I'm not remembering right now,
check back later, sorry, no rain checks."
"I think that sums it up," Dawn said, speaking up for the first time.
"But what if it comes back? The memories, I mean?"
"Then I deal. But for now, Angel...if you want to stay, I won't make
you leave. If you want to go, however, that might be for the best."
"You want me to go?" He asked, sounding hurt.
"Well, it doesn't matter to me. If you want to stay and catch up with
the others, go ahead. Otherwise...it's been nice to meet you." She held
out her hand, but he didn't move to take it. Understanding he probably
wanted a hug like Xander did, she held her arms out in supplication.
Angel took the hint and gave her a short hug, then nodded briefly to
everyone before leaving.
She let out a sigh, and the others watched her in amazement as she sank
down on the couch next to Dawn and said, "Well, that wasn't too bad, I
guess. Is there anything on tonight?"
****
It was many hours later before Spike left the house, waiting until the
others were gone to spend some time with Dawn and Buffy. The little bit
was feeling lonely and tried hard not to show it in front of her
sister. When Buffy went to bed early, he and Dawn sat on the couch as
she released all her fears and anxieties onto him. There wasn't much he
could do besides listen, but in the last few months he'd become good at
it. Dawn's concerns about Buffy echoed his, for the most part, but he
tried to assure her that she would be all right, in time. He didn't
promise her a full recovery, since despite his optimism in front of
Xander, he didn't expect Buffy's constructed memories of Dawn to ever
return.
As he walked back to the crypt, he felt eyes watching him. After a
second's deliberation, he figured out who it was, and laughed
humorlessly.
"Come on out, you wanker. Or are you afraid I'll bite?"
The distinct silhouette of the dark-haired vampire emerged from the
bushes. "Not unless you've removed that chip in your head."
Spike widened his eyes in astonishment at Angel's knowledge of his
condition, then shrugged. "I shouldn't be surprised--you always did
have the skulking and lurking thing down pat. So, what'll it be
tonight? Idle threats, or ass-kicking?"
"Maybe a little of both," Angel smiled dangerously. "But first, I want
to know what you've done to Buffy."
"What, me? I haven't done a thing."
"Cut the crap, Spike. You and Buffy are friends? You obviously haven't
told her the truth."
"Like you didn't, you mean?" Angel winced, then glowered at him. Spike
continued on, nonplused. "Mate, those friends of hers told her about
me. She asked for the complete profile, and I gave it to her. It was
her idea to be friends, not mine."
"And you want to be friends with her, so it'll be easier to kill her
later when her defenses are down."
Spike stared at him in disbelief. How could he know about the chip, and
not this? "They didn't tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
Now the blond vampire was grinning, amused by this turn of events. "You
don't know. No one told you."
"Spike..."
"Hold up, lemme enjoy the moment," Spike interrupted, and stood there
for a couple seconds before sighing in exultation. "Okay, I'm ready
now. First off, you're wrong. With this chip in my head, I couldn't do
it myself. Thing is, that's not the reason. I would never harm her in a
thousand lifetimes; I love her, you see."
Speechless, Angel stared at him. Then the chuckle started, as Spike
knew it would, and the poofter barely gasped out, "You, in love with
Buffy? That's rich. Tell me another one."
"It's true," he replied calmly, waiting for the truth to sink through
that thick skull of his.
"Spike, I'm serious."
"So am I. Guess my observations about your love for the Slayer being
perverse was a bit preemptive on my part, wasn't it?"
Spike could almost see the fact dribbling into his brain, as if through
the tiny holes of a sieve. "You love Buffy? Really love her? But that's
impossible."
"How so?"
"You don't have a soul."
"Oh, so you're the one who filled the Slayer's noggin with that
nonsense. As if you know what a vampire can or can't do."
"Because I am one, Spike, in case you forgot."
"No, you moron, it's because you don't have humanity in you. Without
that soul, you're the perfect vampire. Not a spot of humanity to be
found--that's what the Judge proved, after all. Your soul is what
allows *you* to love, yes, but that means bugger all to the rest of
us."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, Angelus, that loving someone has nothing to do with a soul.
Not a human one, at any rate. As much as I dislike it, the sappy human
I was is still a part of me, unlike in your case. Dru has it too, as
well as Darla, I'd wager. You've always thought it was your soul that
made you special, but in reality it's your lack of humanity."
Angel shook his head in denial, but Spike wasn't through with him, yet.
"You want to become human so badly, but what were you like when you
*were* human, hmm? Pissed it all away, didn't you? You're the puffed up
hero now, but you don't feel like you belong, not among humans or your
own kind."
"I--I've been to parties. I've been around people, talked with them,"
Angel offered weakly.
Spike narrowed his eyes. "But you loathed every minute of it."
"Not loathed, exactly, it was just really uncomfortable...and I'm not
getting your point, if you have one."
The blond vampire sighed in exasperation. "I'm saying that you and I
are not the same. You sit up there on your high and mighty Souled
throne and look down on us, but the truth is, even with a soul...you
don't understand people. Being the hero is easy; it's being a man
that's hard, isn't it?
"That's the thing. For me, it's the reverse. I'm not the hero, the one
who does good for good's sake. But Xander comes to me to talk about his
problems, then the wiccan wants me to patrol with her, plus the little
bit leans on me and Buffy asked me to watch over her...and I do it,
because somehow, for a short while, they see me as a man. And that's
enough for me."
Angel's mouth opened, as if to say something, then his whole
countenance changed, turning from befuddlement to illumination. "Oh
God. This--this can't be right. You're lying."
"I'm not, but you can go ask the others if you need to. I'm sure they
can give you the whole account. They may not trust me completely, and
they shouldn't...but they all know I'll be there when they need me. I
let Buffy down three months ago, but I'll be damned if it happens
again, for any reason."
The souled vampire looked at Spike in stunned, terrified awe. "I need
to...go."
"Excellent idea."
Angel turned to leave, then stopped and added with a bit more presence
of mind, "If you touch Buffy, you're dead."
Spike nodded and waved the souled vampire away, already familiar with
the boyfriend threats on Buffy's behalf, thanks to Riley. The
distracted vampire disappeared into the night, and Spike continued on,
shaking his head in amusement.
When he realized he might have done the big poof a favor by
enlightening him, he shuddered in horror at the idea, and made a silent
vow to try to prevent such occurrences from happening in the future.
****
While Tara slept, Willow snuck into the bathroom down the hall from her
apartment's bedroom and set up the preparations for the memory spell
she'd put together. Tara might want her to wait, but if magic could
restore Buffy's memories, why shouldn't she?
It was hard to see Buffy walking and talking as if nothing was wrong,
but her lack of memories were clearly upsetting her. Plus, her grieving
for her mother had been buried somewhere under the surface, and now she
was acting nice to Spike, while treating Angel as an afterthought. This
wasn't the Buffy she knew.
She wanted to believe things would take care of themselves, but what if
they didn't? What if time only made things worse? And what if this
'younger' Buffy did something that the much older and wiser Buffy would
end up regretting? Willow liked Spike well enough, and she didn't think
he would harm Buffy, but having her without the memories was a
temptation Spike would be unable to resist. It was also apparent that
what Willow had told Buffy about Spike hadn't sunken in at all. It was
like Angel all over again, and she refused to see her friend get hurt
when it was avoidable.
Whispering softly, she chanted the spell and felt the distinct feeling
of power flowing through her, being channeled into something greater
and bigger than herself. As the last word left her lips, she
anticipated the sense of completion, of power being transferred and
controlled. But instead, the power dissipated rapidly, until it trailed
off, incomplete.
Willow frowned at the spell components, wondering if one of them wasn't
of the quality she had thought it to be. But if that were true, the
spell wouldn't have started out as well as it had. So, there must've
been something on Buffy's end...
The betraying squeak of the floorboards indicated that someone was
leaving the bedroom and entering the hallway. Willow quickly swept up
the spell components and rubbed away the traces of the spell on the
tile floor.
"Honey? Is something wrong? You haven't come back to bed for a long
time," Tara's voice came through the wooden door.
Crap--she thought Tara had been asleep. "No, no...nothing's wrong.
Just...doing bathroom things. I'll be there in a minute."
"Okay," Tara replied. Willow heard her footsteps lead back to the
bedroom, and gave out a small sigh of relief.
As Willow cleaned up, Tara stared at the bedroom door in worry. She
could smell the herbs from out in the hall, and it worried her like
little else had done recently. What was Willow hiding? Was it nothing?
Should she confront her about it?
The last time she'd mentioned it, Willow had gotten defensive and mad,
and then the conversation had somehow veered onto their insecurities in
the relationship. Things were good now, things were better--maybe it
was nothing. Maybe Willow hadn't been casting a spell, or if she had,
it must have been a little one.
Willow came in just then and settled down next to Tara, unaware of her
lover's anxious thoughts. Tara heard Willow's breathing even out in
slumber, and her worry trailed off into nothing as she fell asleep.
Lost and Foundering
~**~**~
Chapter Five
~**~**~
Sunlight filtered through her blinds and into her eyes, jarring Buffy
out of the nice moment she'd been having with Spike...then cold reality
brought her the rest of the way awake. She groaned both at the
realization that the dream hadn't been real, and that today was the day
she had to meet another member of the group. That guy from
England...Giles, wasn't it?
She was tired of the introductions already, but she knew it was only
the beginning. And it was terrifying to contemplate. Sure, talking to
Spike last night was one thing, but there was so much to know, so much
to relearn.
One thing was for sure, her friends' version of events hadn't been half
as detailed as Spike's. The horrible secret wasn't quite so horrible
after all, and her opinion of him hadn't been severely damaged.
Instead, she felt she knew him better than ever, possibly even more
than she did before.
She smiled unconsciously at the thought of him, then frowned in sudden
alarm. Did she even have anything decent to wear, today? And what was
the five-years-in-the-future's equivalent of looking interested, but
not desperate?
Six different outfits were discarded until she found something she
liked that wasn't too flashy, and yet didn't scream 'old maid'. Well,
*nothing* in her closet screamed that, but some tops looked
downright...mature. Dawn had informed her that halter tops were back in
style, so the black one seemed appropriate. The astounding selection of
leather--in all shades and hues--scared her into a more sedate pair of
jeans. They were a bit low, but Dawn had assured her yesterday that it
was in fashion. Black boots finished the look, and smiled at her
reflection.
"Looking good, if I do say so myself." Why she had taken so much effort
in picking out clothes didn't really filter into her consciousness. If
she'd thought about it, she might have admitted there was a chance she
hoped to impress a certain platinum blond vampire.
It was still disconcerting to see this other person in the mirror, one
who looked as if she had it all together. The truth was, she got
through each day by not thinking too hard about the realities of her
situation. Sometimes, she even allowed herself to think her mother
wasn't really gone, only on an extended vacation. The idea of visiting
her mother's grave, as well as her own, filled her with unending
anxiety,
A knock on the door disturbed her thoughts, and a voice called out,
"Are you ready, Buffy?"
It was Dawn. Buffy yelled back, "Almost. I'll be there in a minute."
Footsteps trailed away down the stairs, and Buffy fussed a little with
her hair, until she decided that it looked tolerable and left her room;
any further work to be done had to be on the inside, not the outside.
****
Tara hadn't said much as they ate breakfast. She only wished Willow
hadn't been scheduled for work today, then she could've been the one to
help re-introduce Buffy to Giles. As it was, Tara didn't feel like a
part of the gang. Not enough to stand in Willow's stead, at least.
Xander was picking Giles up at the airport and bringing him to the
house--Anya hadn't wanted any large displays of emotion scaring off her
customers, and they all figured it would be better in the long run,
anyway.
They showed up twenty minutes ahead of schedule. Tara and Dawn were
cleaning up the kitchen when the doorbell rang. Buffy volunteered to
get it, but Tara shuffled her to the living room and opened the door
herself--she wanted Giles to make it past the threshold, before he did
anything drastic.
"Tara--is she here?" were the first words out of Giles' mouth as he
came in, but as he looked into the living room, those words became
moot. He approached her cautiously at first, looking like he had five
different thoughts running through his head at once, and he couldn't
decide which one had the greatest priority. Then he smiled in relief
and joy, and let out a held breath.
Buffy smiled in an attempt to be cordial, but she wasn't prepared for
the hug that enveloped her. After a tense second, she relaxed into the
hug and let Giles hold her. It had been hard to explain the bond
between him and the Slayer, but seeing Buffy eventually hug the older
man back was enough to convince Tara that she understood, and also
cause her eyes to sting with a hint of tears. She saw Xander blink a
few times more than needed, as well, until the two separated.
"Buffy, I can't believe you're alive," Giles started, then took off his
glasses to wipe his eyes. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I forgot. They, um,
told me that you don't remember me--"
"It's okay, really. I wish I could. It sucks to not remember the last
five years of your life. If nothing else, those final years of high
school just went down the drain," she added, trying to lighten the
mood.
"Oh God, I never thought of that," Xander replied in horror. Whether it
was genuine or not, Tara couldn't tell. "Most people forget what they
learned in high school, but this wasn't even voluntary."
"You can look at my textbooks if you want to, Buffy," Dawn replied, and
her sister gave her a startled look.
"Ah, thanks, but no. If I got the diploma, that's enough for me. I
won't be doing college anytime soon. If it's August, it's too late for
that now, anyway."
"Quite right," Giles added. "Besides, we're going to have to clear up
the little matter of your, uh..."
"Demise?" Buffy filled in. "Yeah, that's a problem."
"I talked to the Council before coming here, and they're working on a
way to restore your, um, living status. Hopefully, they can cut through
the red tape and drudge up the necessary paperwork."
"Ugh. Paperwork equals forms, which is not a Buffy forte," the blonde
Slayer replied, looking less than thrilled.
Giles shuffled uneasily. "Yes, well. I don't think we'll need more than
your signature in a few places, but that's for later. Right now,
I...um, really need to use the, uh...it was a long flight, after all--"
"Upstairs, on the left," Buffy replied, and Giles nodded gratefully
before heading up the stairs.
****
After Giles came back down, looking much more relaxed than earlier, the
interrogation began. Or at least, that's how it felt to Buffy. No, she
couldn't remember anything right before ending up in someone's
backyard. Yes, she was healthy and whole--more whole than before,
considering the missing scars. No, yes, no...and so on. Giles seemed to
have a never-ending line of questions, and after a hour of being
grilled, Buffy was through with it.
He was about to ask another question when she cut in. "Giles, why don't
we call it a day, huh? Knowing my position in relevance to the
alignment of the stars that night isn't going to get us any answers."
"But, there's so much I still don't know..."
"That makes two of us, then. The horse's mouth is open, and you're
looking inside. Don't."
He sagged into the couch, weary from jet lag and the frustration of not
knowing the truth. "If we don't find out how it happened, how can we be
sure it won't reverse?"
"Reverse?" This was a strange and new concept Buffy didn't like. "Y-you
think it can reverse?"
Xander glanced at Giles, who shared another one of those looks she
hated. "I wouldn't normally think so, but this town does sit on a
Hellmouth. If someone cast a spell to bring you back, we have no way of
knowing whether it was for good or ill. Did Willow try any spells on
Buffy, Tara?"
"Um, no. I-I don't think so. She was as surprised as all of us when
Buffy showed up at the door."
"I didn't mean that Willow did a resurrection," Giles replied, trying
to smooth over her ruffled feathers. "I just wondered if she did any
detection spells or wards."
"Oh! No, not that I saw. Do-do you want me to try something? I have my
magic supplies in my room, I could do a spell to see if someone cast
anything on Buffy, maybe to block her memory."
"Blocking memory...that's an excellent idea, Tara. Would you?" The
blonde woman nodded and scurried up the stairs, leaving Buffy
completely baffled.
"You're going to do a spell, now? Before lunch? Isn't, uh, nighttime
more appropriate for these kinds of things...?"
"You'll be fine, Buffy. It won't do anything to you, it will only sense
something that's been done to you. That's all."
"Oh. Good." She suddenly wasn't feeling so good, however.
In minutes she was sitting cross-legged on the floor, while Tara
prepared the space around her for the spell. The witch's nervous
demeanor faded as she became more engrossed in the spell, and Buffy
slowly felt herself relax. The words lulled her, and soon she felt
partly sleepy, and partly weightless, with only some unknown force
keeping her in place.
It was an indeterminate time later when the spell broke, and Buffy
opened her eyes to find the group looking even more frustrated.
"Nothing, huh?"
"Well, nothing in this case can also be something," Giles hedged,
staring absently at the floor in thought. "No one's cast a spell to
block your memory, or a spell to bring you back. Which would mean..."
"...That the Powers are involved, somehow," Tara finished, her voice
softened in awe.
Buffy blinked, then asked, "You mean, the same guys who chose me in the
first place?"
"Possibly," The Watcher answered in a tone that didn't satisfy her
nerves. "If so, then obviously you weren't meant to die. But why three
months later? I don't understand."
Xander smiled. "Join the club, Giles. We Who Do Not Understand are
happy to have you."
Giles gave him a glare for his efforts, then sighed. "It's times like
these that I really miss my books."
****
It was while at work that Willow realized she still hadn't called
Angel. Thankfully she wasn't working a full shift, and an hour later
she was home, calling his office and hoping he was awake.
"Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless. How can we help you?"
"Cordelia? This is Willow. Listen, I've got some majorly wiggy news,
and you better be sitting down when I tell you..."
Her shriek at hearing Buffy was alive nearly punctured Willow's
eardrums, and the resulting babble didn't become recognizable until
Cordy took a deep breath.
"Okay, so she's fine? All her fingers and toes, no moldy parts?"
"Yes, and ew--thanks for the visual picture," Willow remarked. "Is
Angel awake?"
"Not yet. He's normally not up for another...oh, here he is."
Willow heard something that sounded like Angel, Wesley, and Cordelia
discussing something, then Cordy forced him to take the phone.
"Uh, hi Willow. Cordy won't tell me what's going on, so maybe you could
fill me in?"
"Yeah." Telling Cordelia was one thing, but how could she explain this
to Angel? "It's good news, really good news, so don't get *too* happy,
okay?"
"Willow..."
"All right, all right. It's Buffy...she's alive." Silence, then the
sound of plastic hitting something solid. "Um, hello?"
More silence, then Angel's voice came over the receiver. "Sorry. I, uh,
dropped the phone. I thought I heard you say Buffy was alive."
"That's because she is. Don't drop the phone again!" Once she got his
reassurance that he wouldn't, she continued. "Now, her memory is
missing the last five years, so it's not like everything's okay. But
she's back--it's really her."
The silence on the other end illustrated that the truth was finally
taking hold. The intrepid witch could practically feel the waves of
happiness and melancholy coming from the phone. "Willow, I need to--I
have to see her."
"She doesn't remember you, Angel," she replied sadly. "I won't say that
you can't, but you have to be prepared for it. I'm hoping that the
memories are only being repressed somehow, and aren't really gone...but
this Buffy is like ground zero Buffy, starting from scratch. She
doesn't even remember Dawn."
"How could she--oh, right. You told us about the monk's spell."
"I know, it's easy to forget. She's...staying at her old house, and
Giles is coming in today. He should be there, already. If you come up,
make sure to call ahead of time, and let us know you're coming, okay?"
"I will. As soon as the sun goes down, I'll be on my way."
They said good-bye, and Willow sagged onto her bed, worried for her
friend and Angel. What if seeing each other brought back the old
attraction, and with it, the old pain? Or what if Buffy didn't feel
anything for Angel? She wasn't sure the souled vampire could take it,
if all their shared memories were now only his.
Maybe he would change his mind...but then Willow visited RealityLand,
and shook her head. Of course he would come; how could he not?
****
Buffy was admittedly nervous about the upcoming reunion. Willow had
informed her that the former love of her life was coming up from Los
Angeles to see her, and if she believed what her gut was telling her,
they were in for a mutual, horrible experience.
Tara had been the one to take his call on when he planned to arrive,
and Buffy had stood there, petrified. What if he wanted to talk to her?
What would she say? Hey, I hear we used to be quite the pair?
Somehow, Spike had found out that Angel was coming--Buffy assumed it
was Dawn, since as soon as she'd heard the news, she had run out the
door to parts unknown--and he now sat in the living room, watching TV
with Dawn and basically killing time. Xander and Anya had volunteered
to patrol tonight--for some reason, he wasn't too interested in seeing
Angel again, but he wouldn't say why.
Willow and Tara were out on the porch, acting as a first line of
defense for Angel's arrival, while Giles spent much of his time trying
to fill the Slayer information gaps in Willow's attempt to explain her
background, as they sat in the dining room. Buffy listened with half an
ear, placing equal parts of attention to the Watcher, the potential
sound of a car driving up, and Spike and Dawn's rollicking good times
in the next room.
Giles was in the midst of explaining how the two Slayers had come
about, and noting how Buffy's second death hadn't created another
Slayer, when she heard the telltale roar of a car just arriving from
outside.
The front door opened up, and Tara poked her head in. "He's here."
As the witch darted back outside, Buffy's gaze unwittingly caught with
Spike's. He certainly didn't look thrilled, and she was sure the same
expression was on her own face. She gave him an encouraging smile that
she didn't feel, and he copied it back to her, adding a gesture that
asked if she wanted him to go. When she shook her head, he relaxed into
the couch with a half-smile still on his face.
The smile didn't last long. A male voice broke the tranquility outside,
and a short bit of conversation ensued--mostly from Willow. Buffy stood
up and tried to figure out where to stand. Close to the door, or
farther back? Maybe she should be in the living room, with Spike and
Dawn...
Then the door opened again, and all those thoughts fled from her mind.
A tall, dark-haired man, a bit on the pale side, stalked through the
door, his eyes searching for something or someone, most likely her. He
saw Spike first, and tensed as if ready to pounce. Spike's posture was
just as edgy, but his gaze flicked over to her as if both trying to
reassure her and direct Angel at the same time. She froze like prey, as
if movement would betray her, and the newcomer's eyes fell on her at
last.
Bulky was the first descriptive word to pop into Buffy's mind. His eyes
were shadowed by a brow that, truly, was caveman-like. And his hair
*did* stick straight up, she discovered to her amazement. She had to
admit, he was attractive in a manly testosterone sort of way--all arms
and shoulders. Yeah, she could see how she might have fallen for him,
back in the day. Which meant diddly-squat now, since she could look at
him and feel nothing besides a mild curiosity.
"Buffy...God, it's true." He took a hesitant step forward, then
continued, "Do...do you remember me?"
She winced, knowing this was going to hurt him. "No, I'm sorry. I don't
remember you at all. They've told me about you, though, and about me,
and...and stuff."
"Oh." There didn't seem to be anything he could add to that. "But
there's nothing else that's different, right? You're still Buffy?"
"Yes. Ah, except...all my scars are missing, even the childhood ones."
Angel stared at her neck, and Buffy self-consciously put a hand up to
deflect the gaze.
"W-what?" she asked.
"The scars from where I bit you. They're gone." He looked like someone
who'd taken a wrong turn, and just realized he left his maps at home.
Catching a glimpse of Spike from behind the bulky vampire man, Buffy
saw he was totally thrown by the news. Apparently, he hadn't noticed it
last night...and her mind narrowly escaped retreading that path while
in front of her ex-boyfriend. One who had admitted to creating bite
scars on her.
"You bit me on the neck? As in, to drain my blood?" She couldn't keep
the horror out of her voice.
"It wasn't like that, Buffy..."
"So what was it? Some sort of kinky sex thing?" Her eyes widened as
soon as she realized what she'd said. The entire house had fallen
silent.
Angel swallowed, looked down at the floor, and replied, "It was to save
my life. Your blood was the cure to this poison in my system..."
"Which made me the life-saving snack. So my blood is, what, a vampire
panacea? A nice little bonus to the Slayer package?"
Giles cleared his throat. "It was just for that poison, as far as I've
been able to determine. The only other property I'm aware of is that
the Slayer's blood is a sort of a...that is, among vampires it's
considered--"
"An aphrodisiac," Spike offered, giving her a short smile.
Buffy folded her arms and gave Spike her best--and only--glare. She
knew he was only doing it to get a rise out of her, but she couldn't
help upping the ante. "On you, it was wasted. Or maybe I'm wrong, and
you *did* need some...assistance?"
Angel stared at two of them like a spectator at a tennis match. The
other vampire's eyes narrowed before he grinned in appreciation.
"Love, as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing like it. But I can't
speak for peaches, here." Spike looked to the vampire as if waiting
eagerly for his response.
"What's with you two?" Angel said, very confused. "Buffy already knows
about Spike's past?"
Willow was suddenly looking very guilty. "I told her."
"And we just hit it off from the beginning, to boot," Spike smiled
wickedly, enjoying every moment of Angel's discomfort.
"We have...an understanding," Buffy said, suddenly feeling the need to
stick up for their camaraderie. "We're friends, now."
Thankfully, Giles hadn't been eating anything at the time, or else he
would have choked on it. "Good Lord, Buffy. An associate, I can
comprehend...but friends?"
"Hey, I can make friends with whoever I want," she replied, trying to
ignore the matching looks on Angel and Willow's faces. "It's not like I
haven't made alternate lifestyle choices in the past, right?"
"Yeah, but with Angel it was different, y'know?" Willow pointed out, as
Angel continued to shuffle his feet in misery. "He might be a vampire,
but he has a soul."
"I know, you've practically beat me over the head with that point," the
Slayer huffed, and walked into the living room to join Spike and her
sister. "Plus all the stellar things he's done with his soul, but only
after he met me."
"Hey, I--" Angel started, then paused when he realized he didn't really
have a counterpoint.
"I don't mean to be rude, or all nasty or anything, but Angel--we were
involved, and then we weren't. All the good times we had, if we really
did have them...they aren't in here anymore," Buffy tapped the side of
her head. "Nothing from the last five years is there. Nada, zip, zero.
And I'm just starting to understand what I've lost. I'm sorry, but I
can't be the Buffy you knew."
"I'm not asking--"
"I know. But I can see the 'maybe' in your eyes. 'Maybe it's
different', or 'maybe things can change'. There aren't any guarantees,
here. They already figured out it's not magical--or if it is, it's
beyond them--so we're looking at the unparanormal reasons for memory
loss. Which are usually not with the 'coming back intact' program."
Angel looked to Willow, who shrugged. Giles merely polished his glasses
and replied, "She's right. Unless this is something beyond our control,
she likely incurred this due to her restoration, or, or because of
something physical."
"Restoration? What am I, a house?" Buffy frowned in distaste.
"Tsk. Don't leave yourself open like that, pet," Spike warned with a
smile, earning a curious look from Dawn.
Buffy rolled her eyes as she realized her slip. "Right. My bad. Anyway,
so the situation boils down to this; I'm not remembering right now,
check back later, sorry, no rain checks."
"I think that sums it up," Dawn said, speaking up for the first time.
"But what if it comes back? The memories, I mean?"
"Then I deal. But for now, Angel...if you want to stay, I won't make
you leave. If you want to go, however, that might be for the best."
"You want me to go?" He asked, sounding hurt.
"Well, it doesn't matter to me. If you want to stay and catch up with
the others, go ahead. Otherwise...it's been nice to meet you." She held
out her hand, but he didn't move to take it. Understanding he probably
wanted a hug like Xander did, she held her arms out in supplication.
Angel took the hint and gave her a short hug, then nodded briefly to
everyone before leaving.
She let out a sigh, and the others watched her in amazement as she sank
down on the couch next to Dawn and said, "Well, that wasn't too bad, I
guess. Is there anything on tonight?"
****
It was many hours later before Spike left the house, waiting until the
others were gone to spend some time with Dawn and Buffy. The little bit
was feeling lonely and tried hard not to show it in front of her
sister. When Buffy went to bed early, he and Dawn sat on the couch as
she released all her fears and anxieties onto him. There wasn't much he
could do besides listen, but in the last few months he'd become good at
it. Dawn's concerns about Buffy echoed his, for the most part, but he
tried to assure her that she would be all right, in time. He didn't
promise her a full recovery, since despite his optimism in front of
Xander, he didn't expect Buffy's constructed memories of Dawn to ever
return.
As he walked back to the crypt, he felt eyes watching him. After a
second's deliberation, he figured out who it was, and laughed
humorlessly.
"Come on out, you wanker. Or are you afraid I'll bite?"
The distinct silhouette of the dark-haired vampire emerged from the
bushes. "Not unless you've removed that chip in your head."
Spike widened his eyes in astonishment at Angel's knowledge of his
condition, then shrugged. "I shouldn't be surprised--you always did
have the skulking and lurking thing down pat. So, what'll it be
tonight? Idle threats, or ass-kicking?"
"Maybe a little of both," Angel smiled dangerously. "But first, I want
to know what you've done to Buffy."
"What, me? I haven't done a thing."
"Cut the crap, Spike. You and Buffy are friends? You obviously haven't
told her the truth."
"Like you didn't, you mean?" Angel winced, then glowered at him. Spike
continued on, nonplused. "Mate, those friends of hers told her about
me. She asked for the complete profile, and I gave it to her. It was
her idea to be friends, not mine."
"And you want to be friends with her, so it'll be easier to kill her
later when her defenses are down."
Spike stared at him in disbelief. How could he know about the chip, and
not this? "They didn't tell you?"
"Tell me what?"
Now the blond vampire was grinning, amused by this turn of events. "You
don't know. No one told you."
"Spike..."
"Hold up, lemme enjoy the moment," Spike interrupted, and stood there
for a couple seconds before sighing in exultation. "Okay, I'm ready
now. First off, you're wrong. With this chip in my head, I couldn't do
it myself. Thing is, that's not the reason. I would never harm her in a
thousand lifetimes; I love her, you see."
Speechless, Angel stared at him. Then the chuckle started, as Spike
knew it would, and the poofter barely gasped out, "You, in love with
Buffy? That's rich. Tell me another one."
"It's true," he replied calmly, waiting for the truth to sink through
that thick skull of his.
"Spike, I'm serious."
"So am I. Guess my observations about your love for the Slayer being
perverse was a bit preemptive on my part, wasn't it?"
Spike could almost see the fact dribbling into his brain, as if through
the tiny holes of a sieve. "You love Buffy? Really love her? But that's
impossible."
"How so?"
"You don't have a soul."
"Oh, so you're the one who filled the Slayer's noggin with that
nonsense. As if you know what a vampire can or can't do."
"Because I am one, Spike, in case you forgot."
"No, you moron, it's because you don't have humanity in you. Without
that soul, you're the perfect vampire. Not a spot of humanity to be
found--that's what the Judge proved, after all. Your soul is what
allows *you* to love, yes, but that means bugger all to the rest of
us."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, Angelus, that loving someone has nothing to do with a soul.
Not a human one, at any rate. As much as I dislike it, the sappy human
I was is still a part of me, unlike in your case. Dru has it too, as
well as Darla, I'd wager. You've always thought it was your soul that
made you special, but in reality it's your lack of humanity."
Angel shook his head in denial, but Spike wasn't through with him, yet.
"You want to become human so badly, but what were you like when you
*were* human, hmm? Pissed it all away, didn't you? You're the puffed up
hero now, but you don't feel like you belong, not among humans or your
own kind."
"I--I've been to parties. I've been around people, talked with them,"
Angel offered weakly.
Spike narrowed his eyes. "But you loathed every minute of it."
"Not loathed, exactly, it was just really uncomfortable...and I'm not
getting your point, if you have one."
The blond vampire sighed in exasperation. "I'm saying that you and I
are not the same. You sit up there on your high and mighty Souled
throne and look down on us, but the truth is, even with a soul...you
don't understand people. Being the hero is easy; it's being a man
that's hard, isn't it?
"That's the thing. For me, it's the reverse. I'm not the hero, the one
who does good for good's sake. But Xander comes to me to talk about his
problems, then the wiccan wants me to patrol with her, plus the little
bit leans on me and Buffy asked me to watch over her...and I do it,
because somehow, for a short while, they see me as a man. And that's
enough for me."
Angel's mouth opened, as if to say something, then his whole
countenance changed, turning from befuddlement to illumination. "Oh
God. This--this can't be right. You're lying."
"I'm not, but you can go ask the others if you need to. I'm sure they
can give you the whole account. They may not trust me completely, and
they shouldn't...but they all know I'll be there when they need me. I
let Buffy down three months ago, but I'll be damned if it happens
again, for any reason."
The souled vampire looked at Spike in stunned, terrified awe. "I need
to...go."
"Excellent idea."
Angel turned to leave, then stopped and added with a bit more presence
of mind, "If you touch Buffy, you're dead."
Spike nodded and waved the souled vampire away, already familiar with
the boyfriend threats on Buffy's behalf, thanks to Riley. The
distracted vampire disappeared into the night, and Spike continued on,
shaking his head in amusement.
When he realized he might have done the big poof a favor by
enlightening him, he shuddered in horror at the idea, and made a silent
vow to try to prevent such occurrences from happening in the future.
****
While Tara slept, Willow snuck into the bathroom down the hall from her
apartment's bedroom and set up the preparations for the memory spell
she'd put together. Tara might want her to wait, but if magic could
restore Buffy's memories, why shouldn't she?
It was hard to see Buffy walking and talking as if nothing was wrong,
but her lack of memories were clearly upsetting her. Plus, her grieving
for her mother had been buried somewhere under the surface, and now she
was acting nice to Spike, while treating Angel as an afterthought. This
wasn't the Buffy she knew.
She wanted to believe things would take care of themselves, but what if
they didn't? What if time only made things worse? And what if this
'younger' Buffy did something that the much older and wiser Buffy would
end up regretting? Willow liked Spike well enough, and she didn't think
he would harm Buffy, but having her without the memories was a
temptation Spike would be unable to resist. It was also apparent that
what Willow had told Buffy about Spike hadn't sunken in at all. It was
like Angel all over again, and she refused to see her friend get hurt
when it was avoidable.
Whispering softly, she chanted the spell and felt the distinct feeling
of power flowing through her, being channeled into something greater
and bigger than herself. As the last word left her lips, she
anticipated the sense of completion, of power being transferred and
controlled. But instead, the power dissipated rapidly, until it trailed
off, incomplete.
Willow frowned at the spell components, wondering if one of them wasn't
of the quality she had thought it to be. But if that were true, the
spell wouldn't have started out as well as it had. So, there must've
been something on Buffy's end...
The betraying squeak of the floorboards indicated that someone was
leaving the bedroom and entering the hallway. Willow quickly swept up
the spell components and rubbed away the traces of the spell on the
tile floor.
"Honey? Is something wrong? You haven't come back to bed for a long
time," Tara's voice came through the wooden door.
Crap--she thought Tara had been asleep. "No, no...nothing's wrong.
Just...doing bathroom things. I'll be there in a minute."
"Okay," Tara replied. Willow heard her footsteps lead back to the
bedroom, and gave out a small sigh of relief.
As Willow cleaned up, Tara stared at the bedroom door in worry. She
could smell the herbs from out in the hall, and it worried her like
little else had done recently. What was Willow hiding? Was it nothing?
Should she confront her about it?
The last time she'd mentioned it, Willow had gotten defensive and mad,
and then the conversation had somehow veered onto their insecurities in
the relationship. Things were good now, things were better--maybe it
was nothing. Maybe Willow hadn't been casting a spell, or if she had,
it must have been a little one.
Willow came in just then and settled down next to Tara, unaware of her
lover's anxious thoughts. Tara heard Willow's breathing even out in
slumber, and her worry trailed off into nothing as she fell asleep.