Lost and Foundering
~**~**~
Chapter Nine
~**~**~
The way back to Willow's apartment was spent in silence. Tara had kept
quiet almost the entire time they'd been at Buffy's house, and they
left shortly after Buffy had fled the house for parts unknown. Dawn had
come down the stairs and said she was merely going to the cemetery for
a little patrolling time, but neither of the witches bought it. Willow
didn't think anyone in the house did--with the exception of Giles, who
would willingly believe it if only to keep visions of the alternative
out of his head.
She tossed the keys on the kitchen counter as always, finding a bit of
solace in routine actions. From the look on Tara's face and the telling
anger in her posture, there was going to be a fight to make the prior
one pale in comparison.
"Tara, would you like some tea? I can make us some..."
"No." The word was softly spoken, but it echoed in the room with a
harsh, brittle edge.
"O-kay," she replied, and settled into a nearby couch. "You want to
talk? Let's talk."
"Willow, don't treat this so lightly. What you did today...it was
incredibly dangerous. You put Buffy's life--and yours--into a dangerous
situation that didn't need to be done."
"Didn't need to be done?" Willow parroted back incredulously. "Tara,
are you kidding? Buffy *needed* her memories. Without them, she
couldn't fight like she used to, and she couldn't remember people and
things. She wanted them back so badly, so everything could be like they
were before."
"Are you sure it wasn't *you* that wanted it so badly?"
Willow gave her a confused look, not sure what she meant. "Well, sure I
wanted it too. I thought we all did."
"Yes, we all wanted her memories to return. But I don't think Buffy
wanted it back as much as you want to believe."
"You don't know her like I do, Tara. She'd never want to be less than
whole. You *saw* how happy she was!"
"I saw a woman who looked both happy and sad. You gave back her
memories, yes, but you also gave back the pain that went with them. For
all we know, they were missing for a reason."
Willow shook her head, unwilling to believe it. "No. I know what I did
was right. Not just for Buffy, but for everyone."
"Honey, it's not only that. You've been frightening me with your
powers. You're expanding them so fast, it's been almost too fast.
You've stopped asking me for help or advice..."
"Hey, I'm not the one who went off shopping in L.A. when *someone* came
over to do a few spells together."
Tara stared at her in disbelief. "Now you're blaming me for not being
there? You never even asked if I had plans!"
"Well, I didn't, but that's no excuse for not staying with me. You
could've blown them off, I know they wouldn't mind."
"That's not the point. And I'm not going to go down that road since
it's only leading me away from my main point. You're not being careful
enough when you use magic, Willow. You're dealing with raw, powerful
forces that if left unchecked, will go spinning out of control."
"I'm not the incompetent novice you knew when we first met. I've
learned how to harness that power, and I've done a lot of good with it.
I'd think you'd be happy for me."
Tara shook her head, worry overriding some of the anger. "Willow, do
you think I'm happy when you put your life in danger like that? Why
can't you see that I only want you to be careful and follow the laws
that were established for our own safety, not to mention the safety of
others."
When Willow merely sat there, not willing to meet her gaze, Tara added,
"I know you're casting spells when I'm not around. You even tried to
cast something in the bathroom a couple nights ago. What was it?"
Alarmed, she looked at Tara and saw a resolve come over her face. All
of her secrecy had been for nothing, it seemed. "It doesn't matter. It
didn't work, anyway."
"How do you know?" Tara asked, crossing her arms.
"I didn't get the right reaction. It flared a little, but then it died.
I think the ingredients might have been bad."
"Willow, listen to me carefully--what was the spell you cast?"
If it wasn't for the deadly calm way she asked the question, Willow
might have considered persuading her that it was nothing of importance.
"I...tried casting a remembrance spell on Buffy."
Anger flared in Tara's eyes, the sort of rage she wasn't used to
seeing, ever. "Get me the ingredients for casting a dissolution spell.
We better do it quickly before something happens."
Frowning in puzzlement, Willow grabbed the supplies and handed them to
her. Without hesitation, Tara began the ritual to dissolve the spell
while Willow watched, unsure what to do. This wasn't really necessary,
was it?
"Come inside the circle--I need your presence as the original caster to
help strengthen the results." Willow stepped inside the casting circle,
and Tara quickly began to chant, knowing the words by heart. Soon, a
glow started to emanate from the circle, and it coalesced into a ball
of light that seemed to pull in fragments of energy from within and
outside of the apartment. After that task was done, Tara spoke a final
phrase and the ball shrank as if being sucked into someplace else, then
it vanished without a sound.
Tara wilted slightly when the light faded, but she recovered after a
second and looked Willow in the eye.
"Don't ever leave a spell unfinished or incomplete; it risks tilting
the balance. Something horrible could have happened to you, or to
Buffy, or even to the source where magic comes from."
"Really?" She looked at the spent components, as the reality of what
had occurred began to dawn on her. "You mean, my spell didn't just go
poof?"
"Willow, you need to study the methods and rules that go with magic. I
thought I'd taught you these things, but maybe I didn't do a good
enough job."
She frowned, not sure what her point was. "Tara, I understand the rules
just fine. I'm not a baby. I forgot about the spell dissolution, that's
all. But sometimes, y'know, you just have to ignore the rules and do
what needs to be done. You can't have progress unless there's a little
rebellion of the status quo, right?"
The blonde witch looked at her in horror. "No, Willow. You don't
understand at all, do you? Why didn't I see this before?"
"What? Why didn't you see what, before?"
"You told me about being a hacker in high school, how you loved
tinkering with computers and learning about new things. You see magic
as something to be explored, and--and experimented with," she said the
last with a trace of disbelief in her voice.
"Tara--"
"No, I need to...I think it would be best for us both if we just..."
"If we just, what?" Willow asked, her world suddenly becoming very
tilted and unstable.
"I don't know what else I can do, what more I can say to convince you
how dangerous this is," Tara said, with tears starting to form in her
eyes. "If you won't listen to me, then--then I can't stay here with
you."
Willow felt like she'd been sucker-punched. "W-what? Tara, you
can't...I don't want you to leave. Please, I'll listen. Whatever you
want, I'll do it."
"You need to realize what you're doing, Willow. I can't be the reason.
I want to help you in any way I can, but I won't be lied to anymore.
The path you're taking leads to destruction, and I can't lead you away
from it if you don't trust my judgement."
"So it's good-bye if I don't shape up?" She felt her body shake from a
mixture of grief and outrage. "How *dare* you lay that on me. I thought
you loved me--but now it's 'I won't love you anymore if you don't do
this'?"
"No, that's not it at all--"
"Well, that's what it looks like to me." Willow stood up and tried to
blink away her tears. "I think you better go."
Tara attempted to say something, then stopped herself and merely
nodded. She grabbed her purse and said before closing the door. "I love
you, Willow. Don't ever doubt that."
But as the door closed, Willow could only feel the doubt piling up in
her heart, until it finally broke in an outward rush of sorrow and
dismay.
****
Buffy had nearly passed out from the pain when miraculously, the
headache stopped dead in its tracks. Spike was about to pick her up and
carry her out of there, until she looked up in surprise and relief.
"It's gone."
Similar relief flashed across his face, but it was soon overtaken with
concern. "You better go home, in case it flares up again."
"No, I'm okay," she wiped away the tears, not sure how to explain it.
"The pain didn't fade like before, it just...vanished. Like it had
never been there."
He kneeled down by the chair and took one of her hands in his. "God, I
was scared outta my mind, Buffy. I didn't know what was going on. And
your memories are fine? Everything present and accounted for?"
"Yep, except there's this thing where I don't have any idea who you
are," she said innocently, blinking in a hopefully vacuous way.
After a horrified second, Spike rolled his eyes. "Don't do that to me,
pet. If I'd had a heartbeat, it surely would have skipped a few,
there."
She grinned evilly. "Hey, I gotta keep you on your toes, somehow."
"That you do," he smiled, then stood up and offered her a hand. She
took it and was quickly pulled up into an embrace that almost took her
completely off her feet. "The way I do it, however, is a bit different
than yours."
And as their lips met once again, Buffy decided she liked his way of
keeping her on her toes much, much better.
****
Dawn heard her sister sneak into the house a few minutes after Tara
came back. The blonde witch's return was a surprise, and by the looks
of it, she was in no mood to discuss why.
Buffy, in contrast, had virtually floated in. One peek from the crack
of her partly-open door showed her sister almost beaming. There was no
doubt in Dawn's mind what, or who, had caused that smile.
The morning echoed the same vibes, albeit diminished. Tara's entry into
the kitchen dulled Buffy's cheerful mood, and after a number of
seconds, the pressure of curiosity and concern won out over a respect
for privacy.
"Tara, is everything okay?" Dawn asked, and the woman merely shook her
head, too upset to respond.
"What happened? Was it Willow?" At her name, Tara looked up at Buffy in
surprise.
"We--we had a fight, a-and I told her I couldn't be around her anymore.
It was horrible."
"You broke up with Willow?" Buffy asked in astonishment, certainly not
expecting this.
Tara nodded, then added, "She's been lying to me, and doing spells when
she thinks I don't know about them. She even did a spell on you a
couple nights ago, t-to try and make you remember."
Buffy stared off for a second, then said, "I started having headaches
yesterday, in the morning. But last night they just vanished into thin
air."
"Last night? When?" Tara asked, suddenly curious.
"It was after I left the house, maybe around 7:30?"
"I cast a dissolution spell right before then. The unfinished spell
must have been causing the headaches."
Buffy's eyes widened at the news. "What would have happened if you
didn't cast it?"
Tara shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. But it wouldn't have been
good, that's for sure."
The idea that Willow had unintentionally caused so much pain was
nothing new to Dawn--she still remembered the fallout from a spell
Willow had unwittingly cast which nearly ended up with Buffy, Xander,
Anya and Spike dead by demon hands, and Giles blinded for life. But
that had been years ago...surely Willow knew better, now?
As Tara began to explain, however, it didn't seem that was the case. As
she finished, it looked like Buffy wasn't totally taken by surprise.
Her older sister pursed her lips in thought, then crossed her arms in a
gesture Dawn knew all too well.
"I'm going to have to talk to Willow, I guess. But if she won't listen
to you, Tara..."
"I think she'll hear you, Buffy. You're her best friend, aside from
Xander. If you both confront her about it, maybe she'll realize what
she's doing and stop it. But I can't do this for her--she has to be
willing to change her ways because it's what she wants to do, not
because I want it for her."
Buffy was pensive for a moment, then smiled faintly. "I know that
dilemma. Hell, I've *been* that dilemma. But knowing Willow, if she
doesn't think she's wrong...well, stubbornness isn't quite the word for
it."
"I know," Tara nodded sagely. "Believe me, I know."
****
Later in the day, members of the gang trickled into the Magic Box one
by one. No official meeting had been called, but Buffy had let everyone
know that Tara and Willow had split up, so Xander and Giles came over
as a gesture of support, while Anya continued to take care of
customers. Dawn was at a friend's house and Willow was at work, so they
talked freely over the same concerns Buffy and Tara had shared over at
the Summers' house.
"Well, I for one am not surprised," Anya offered from behind the
counter, the shop empty of customers for the moment. "Throw that all in
with the thieving, deviant behavior she displayed while Giles was away
the first time, and you're just asking for a big heap of trouble."
"Ahn, this is my best friend we're talking about," Xander replied
painfully, still in dismay over the news. Tara had already left,
letting everyone know that she wasn't leaving Sunnydale. She planned to
move out of Buffy's home and temporarily into a friend's apartment,
just until she figured out what came next. She had no plans of
abandoning Willow, but unless there was reason to stay beyond the end
of semester, she was preparing to transfer to another school.
He sighed, then continued, "We know she's not doing this consciously,
right? I mean, she's not evil, not like some peroxided felons I could
name."
Buffy straightened in her chair, offended at the remark. Then she
sagged back, remembering that they didn't know about her and Spike,
yet. "Of course, Xander. She's a good person. But if you're looking for
an example of evil then, well, the Master's pretty high on the list.
Or--or the Mayor, who turned into a giant snake. Can't get more evil
than that, huh?"
Xander looked at her in confusion. "Yeah, I guess...but then again
they're dead, and I was searching for something a little more
contemporary and slightly more alive. Figuratively speaking."
"Ah. Yes, contemporary," Buffy replied, then desperately tried to
change the subject. "So, how about--Willow! You're here!"
"Yes, I am," Willow said from the doorway, and everyone turned to see
her. "Gang's all here, too. What's going on?"
"We heard about you and Tara...and the imploding," Xander said, then
brightened. "Oh, and hey, Buffy's headaches are gone. Seems that a
spell you did was giving her some serious migraines, and then last
night--poof! All gone."
Buffy shot Xander a look, which instantly made him shut up. "Willow--"
"My spell gave you headaches? Oh Buffy, I'm sorry!" Willow came over
and sat down next to her. "If I knew...oh God. Tara, if she hadn't cast
that spell...?"
"We don't know, but there's a chance it wouldn't have involved
happiness and light. More like, severe pain and a possible hospital
visit." Buffy hated to be the truth-teller in this situation, but if
Tara was right, they couldn't just brush this under the rug.
Willow's eyes widened in horror. "Oh no. I didn't mean to--you know I
wouldn't do this on purpose."
Buffy frowned, "No, of course not. But this isn't the only time
something like this has happened, Will. You have to start being more
careful. The spells you're doing are scaring Tara, and now we're all a
little concerned about you."
"What? Me?" She looked to Xander, and he stared back at her, obviously
in distress. "Xander, you know me. I'm not anyone to be concerned
about. I'm the Queen of Passivity."
"Will, it's not about you, really," he replied. "It's the actions
you're taking. You've changed a lot, but you're still Willow--I know
this better than anyone. But when you're casting spells, you're dealing
with powers that even advanced witches can barely comprehend.
Maybe...maybe you should just cool it with the spell casting, just for
a little while."
"Give up witchcraft?" Willow was clearly astounded. "What, just because
a couple spells went wacky? What if every scientist had stopped
experimenting just because something went wrong, or every theorist quit
because the numbers wouldn't fit? We'd be in the dark ages, using
horses for transportation and still thinking the moon's made out of
green cheese."
"You mean it's not?" Anya asked, puzzled.
Everyone turned, astounded at the remark. Willow pointed at her in
triumph. "See?"
Xander wasn't buying it. "Will, c'mon. You're not a scientist, you're a
witch. Witches don't experiments, they do...witchy things. Right, Ahn?"
Anya, still a little thrown by the revelation about the moon, answered
back, "Oh, yeah. Tinkering around with spells is a quick way of getting
yourself killed, not to mention possibly summoning a troll who ends up
destroying a good portion of a magic shop, with unpaid-for supplies and
against the recommendation of a certain ex-demon--"
"Okay, that's good, Ahn. Thanks," Xander cut her off, and she glowered
sullenly. "What we're trying to say--somewhat ineptly--is that these
things you're doing? It's leading to ultimate sorrow, pain, and
anguish. Never a good thing, in my book."
"I agree with Xander," Giles commented. "I've cautioned you before
about dealing with witchcraft, and while I've been impressed by the
amount of power you've displayed, it's also concerned me. You need more
experience in dealing with spells and the like before you have the
strength and wisdom needed to control the more powerful spells you've
been attempting."
"I don't believe this," Willow said, stunned. "If it wasn't for me and
my *dangerous* spells, Dawn might have been killed by the Knights of
Byzantium, or by Glory herself."
"You also thought you could take on Glory, and nearly got yourself
killed," Buffy replied. "If it wasn't for me, you *would* be dead."
This took some wind out of Willow's sails. "How did you know I was
there, anyway?"
Everyone was now looking at Buffy. She stumbled for a reply. "Well, I
was with Dawn, and Spike mentioned that he thought you might be all
paybacky, and I didn't you would be, but then Dawn convinced me
otherwise, so I went to Glory's, and there you were. End of story."
"Spike knew I'd be there?" This seemed to affect Willow more than their
line of reasoning had done, to date. "How?"
"Because he said that if what happened to Tara had happened to me, he'd
be doing the same thing," Buffy finished quietly. The group took that
in without comment, and Willow seemed to be seriously mulling it over.
"Tara...God. She means everything to me, and now she--she's gone. What
have I done?" The witch asked herself with the first sign of serious
repentance.
"Will, we're not asking you to give up witchcraft, or casting spells.
We're just afraid for you, like Tara is. We're only trying to help."
She nodded in response, a little numb from her revelation. "I guess
maybe Spike's not as bad as I thought," she said, a smile hinting at
the corners of her mouth.
"Yeah, maybe," Buffy said, with her own grateful smile.
"He's been really nice these past few months. I feel kinda bad for him,
since he knew that once you got your memories back, you'd hate him
again."
"What? Why did he think that?"
"Um, because you would, Buffy," Xander answered, now a bit edgy.
"Right?"
"I don't hate him, guys," she replied, knowing she was heading down the
path of no return, but unable to stop. "I haven't hated him for awhile,
now."
"Since when?" Giles asked.
Buffy shuddered from the memory of the day he earned her trust. "Since
he got tortured on my behalf. There's no way I could hate him after
that. And after all he's done recently...I couldn't treat that as
nothing. It's one of the things I learned about myself, when I couldn't
remember the past five years. Sometimes, forgiving someone is about
forgetting the past, letting it go."
Willow watched her in fascination, while Xander and Giles looked on in
horror, and Anya merely stared. Finally, Willow said, "You're in love
with him, aren't you?"
"What??" Xander shrieked, before Buffy could respond. "In love with
Spike?"
"Surely not, Willow. Buffy, tell her she's mistaken."
"I can't, Giles...because she's not."
After a long, painful beat, he replied, "Dear Lord."
Xander stared at her in shock. "I thought we didn't have to do this
again. Three times is most definitely *not* the charm."
"Guys, c'mon! We know Spike. He's not really all that bad...and he
stayed with us even when Buffy was gone. He could've left us in the
lurch, after all the vampires and demons came around."
"He's still a vampire; a soulless vampire, no less," Xander pointed
out. "Giles, Watcher-man, back me up, here."
The older man straightened his glasses. "No, thank you, I'm staying out
of this. One Slayer-vampire relationship was enough for me, if you
don't mind."
"Thanks, Giles."
"This doesn't mean I approve, Buffy," he responded in a stern voice. "I
don't. But if there's anything you've proven to me, it's that you'll do
as you like regardless of what I say. Besides, you're a grown woman
and, I hope, mature enough to make your own decisions."
"Thank you...I think," she said, somewhat baffled.
"Well, I'm not freaking out too badly," Willow offered with a hesitant
smile. "But you're sure about this? Really sure?"
Buffy thought back to the look on Spike's face when she'd kissed him,
and through to when he'd first seen her after she had come back.
"Definitely, Will," she replied with a smile. "For the first time in a
long while, I'm happy. He makes me happy--and I can be myself with him,
no conditions or covering up my real identity."
"But what about the chip, Buf? He loses that, and it's good-bye
boyfriend, hello evil monster. Again."
Buffy shook her head, and even Xander was impressed by her resolve.
"No, it won't. These last three months, he's been here with you,
fighting the fighting...and for what? Not my approval, that's for sure.
You've been around him, fought alongside him, talked and even made nice
with him," she glanced pointedly at Xander, who shrunk a bit in his
seat. "Can you honestly tell me he hasn't changed?"
"He has altered his behavior," Giles allowed, "but his nature is that
of a vampire--a demon. One who has no conscience, no soul to speak of.
Without that, he's just a monster."
"Giles, wasn't it you who told me that there were two types of
monsters? That those who could be redeemed were able to love--and
wanted to be redeemed, while the ones who weren't able to reason or
love, couldn't be redeemed?"
He stared off, trying to remember what she was talking about, and then
it hit him. "Bloody--you're right. You're absolutely right, I did say
that. Amazing. You *do* listen to what I say, after all."
She grinned. "What can I tell you? That spell-trance thing is really
good at sharpening the memories."
"So, wait. You're on Buffy's side, now?" Xander complained to Giles,
feeling left out.
"Well, as it happens, I recall saying that back when we were talking
about the possibility of Angel returning from Acathla's demon
dimension. Your incredibly vivid 'dream', I believe it was."
Buffy wrung her hands in guilt. "I know, and I'm still sorry about
that, but moving on...Spike loves me. He loves Dawn, too, in an
entirely different way than me. And in a way, I think he cares about
all of you, to some degree.
"As for wanting to be redeemed, well, he might not be there, yet. He's
heading in that direction, though, and he stopping trying to convince
us he's evil a long time ago. Now, the only time he'll say it is when
he's trying to persuade someone against putting their trust in him. He
did it for me, just a few days ago, and he did it for Dawn as well. If
anything, though, he's proven that he's trustworthy."
"His actions speak louder than his words?" Willow offered. "I can see
that."
"Okay, I admit it--he is a lot different now than he was in the
beginning. And he's only partly as annoying as the original dead boy,"
Xander capitulated. "I'm not thrilled about it, though."
"Gee, your support is so overwhelming," Buffy teased, then turned to
her other friend. "Willow?"
"Oh, well, if you're happy, that's all I need. And if he hurts you in
any way, shape, or form, then he's gonna feel my wrath," she replied
with confident glee, then frowned. "Well, my wrath is probably going to
be not so much with the spell casting, and more with the heavy end of a
shovel, but still."
"O-kay. Glad to hear it, Will." Buffy smiled, only a little disturbed.
"So even if we do the relationshippy stuff in front of you guys, it's
all right?"
She heard Xander's forehead hit the table with a groan, and sighed in
defeat. "Guess we still need to work on that one."
~**~**~
Chapter Nine
~**~**~
The way back to Willow's apartment was spent in silence. Tara had kept
quiet almost the entire time they'd been at Buffy's house, and they
left shortly after Buffy had fled the house for parts unknown. Dawn had
come down the stairs and said she was merely going to the cemetery for
a little patrolling time, but neither of the witches bought it. Willow
didn't think anyone in the house did--with the exception of Giles, who
would willingly believe it if only to keep visions of the alternative
out of his head.
She tossed the keys on the kitchen counter as always, finding a bit of
solace in routine actions. From the look on Tara's face and the telling
anger in her posture, there was going to be a fight to make the prior
one pale in comparison.
"Tara, would you like some tea? I can make us some..."
"No." The word was softly spoken, but it echoed in the room with a
harsh, brittle edge.
"O-kay," she replied, and settled into a nearby couch. "You want to
talk? Let's talk."
"Willow, don't treat this so lightly. What you did today...it was
incredibly dangerous. You put Buffy's life--and yours--into a dangerous
situation that didn't need to be done."
"Didn't need to be done?" Willow parroted back incredulously. "Tara,
are you kidding? Buffy *needed* her memories. Without them, she
couldn't fight like she used to, and she couldn't remember people and
things. She wanted them back so badly, so everything could be like they
were before."
"Are you sure it wasn't *you* that wanted it so badly?"
Willow gave her a confused look, not sure what she meant. "Well, sure I
wanted it too. I thought we all did."
"Yes, we all wanted her memories to return. But I don't think Buffy
wanted it back as much as you want to believe."
"You don't know her like I do, Tara. She'd never want to be less than
whole. You *saw* how happy she was!"
"I saw a woman who looked both happy and sad. You gave back her
memories, yes, but you also gave back the pain that went with them. For
all we know, they were missing for a reason."
Willow shook her head, unwilling to believe it. "No. I know what I did
was right. Not just for Buffy, but for everyone."
"Honey, it's not only that. You've been frightening me with your
powers. You're expanding them so fast, it's been almost too fast.
You've stopped asking me for help or advice..."
"Hey, I'm not the one who went off shopping in L.A. when *someone* came
over to do a few spells together."
Tara stared at her in disbelief. "Now you're blaming me for not being
there? You never even asked if I had plans!"
"Well, I didn't, but that's no excuse for not staying with me. You
could've blown them off, I know they wouldn't mind."
"That's not the point. And I'm not going to go down that road since
it's only leading me away from my main point. You're not being careful
enough when you use magic, Willow. You're dealing with raw, powerful
forces that if left unchecked, will go spinning out of control."
"I'm not the incompetent novice you knew when we first met. I've
learned how to harness that power, and I've done a lot of good with it.
I'd think you'd be happy for me."
Tara shook her head, worry overriding some of the anger. "Willow, do
you think I'm happy when you put your life in danger like that? Why
can't you see that I only want you to be careful and follow the laws
that were established for our own safety, not to mention the safety of
others."
When Willow merely sat there, not willing to meet her gaze, Tara added,
"I know you're casting spells when I'm not around. You even tried to
cast something in the bathroom a couple nights ago. What was it?"
Alarmed, she looked at Tara and saw a resolve come over her face. All
of her secrecy had been for nothing, it seemed. "It doesn't matter. It
didn't work, anyway."
"How do you know?" Tara asked, crossing her arms.
"I didn't get the right reaction. It flared a little, but then it died.
I think the ingredients might have been bad."
"Willow, listen to me carefully--what was the spell you cast?"
If it wasn't for the deadly calm way she asked the question, Willow
might have considered persuading her that it was nothing of importance.
"I...tried casting a remembrance spell on Buffy."
Anger flared in Tara's eyes, the sort of rage she wasn't used to
seeing, ever. "Get me the ingredients for casting a dissolution spell.
We better do it quickly before something happens."
Frowning in puzzlement, Willow grabbed the supplies and handed them to
her. Without hesitation, Tara began the ritual to dissolve the spell
while Willow watched, unsure what to do. This wasn't really necessary,
was it?
"Come inside the circle--I need your presence as the original caster to
help strengthen the results." Willow stepped inside the casting circle,
and Tara quickly began to chant, knowing the words by heart. Soon, a
glow started to emanate from the circle, and it coalesced into a ball
of light that seemed to pull in fragments of energy from within and
outside of the apartment. After that task was done, Tara spoke a final
phrase and the ball shrank as if being sucked into someplace else, then
it vanished without a sound.
Tara wilted slightly when the light faded, but she recovered after a
second and looked Willow in the eye.
"Don't ever leave a spell unfinished or incomplete; it risks tilting
the balance. Something horrible could have happened to you, or to
Buffy, or even to the source where magic comes from."
"Really?" She looked at the spent components, as the reality of what
had occurred began to dawn on her. "You mean, my spell didn't just go
poof?"
"Willow, you need to study the methods and rules that go with magic. I
thought I'd taught you these things, but maybe I didn't do a good
enough job."
She frowned, not sure what her point was. "Tara, I understand the rules
just fine. I'm not a baby. I forgot about the spell dissolution, that's
all. But sometimes, y'know, you just have to ignore the rules and do
what needs to be done. You can't have progress unless there's a little
rebellion of the status quo, right?"
The blonde witch looked at her in horror. "No, Willow. You don't
understand at all, do you? Why didn't I see this before?"
"What? Why didn't you see what, before?"
"You told me about being a hacker in high school, how you loved
tinkering with computers and learning about new things. You see magic
as something to be explored, and--and experimented with," she said the
last with a trace of disbelief in her voice.
"Tara--"
"No, I need to...I think it would be best for us both if we just..."
"If we just, what?" Willow asked, her world suddenly becoming very
tilted and unstable.
"I don't know what else I can do, what more I can say to convince you
how dangerous this is," Tara said, with tears starting to form in her
eyes. "If you won't listen to me, then--then I can't stay here with
you."
Willow felt like she'd been sucker-punched. "W-what? Tara, you
can't...I don't want you to leave. Please, I'll listen. Whatever you
want, I'll do it."
"You need to realize what you're doing, Willow. I can't be the reason.
I want to help you in any way I can, but I won't be lied to anymore.
The path you're taking leads to destruction, and I can't lead you away
from it if you don't trust my judgement."
"So it's good-bye if I don't shape up?" She felt her body shake from a
mixture of grief and outrage. "How *dare* you lay that on me. I thought
you loved me--but now it's 'I won't love you anymore if you don't do
this'?"
"No, that's not it at all--"
"Well, that's what it looks like to me." Willow stood up and tried to
blink away her tears. "I think you better go."
Tara attempted to say something, then stopped herself and merely
nodded. She grabbed her purse and said before closing the door. "I love
you, Willow. Don't ever doubt that."
But as the door closed, Willow could only feel the doubt piling up in
her heart, until it finally broke in an outward rush of sorrow and
dismay.
****
Buffy had nearly passed out from the pain when miraculously, the
headache stopped dead in its tracks. Spike was about to pick her up and
carry her out of there, until she looked up in surprise and relief.
"It's gone."
Similar relief flashed across his face, but it was soon overtaken with
concern. "You better go home, in case it flares up again."
"No, I'm okay," she wiped away the tears, not sure how to explain it.
"The pain didn't fade like before, it just...vanished. Like it had
never been there."
He kneeled down by the chair and took one of her hands in his. "God, I
was scared outta my mind, Buffy. I didn't know what was going on. And
your memories are fine? Everything present and accounted for?"
"Yep, except there's this thing where I don't have any idea who you
are," she said innocently, blinking in a hopefully vacuous way.
After a horrified second, Spike rolled his eyes. "Don't do that to me,
pet. If I'd had a heartbeat, it surely would have skipped a few,
there."
She grinned evilly. "Hey, I gotta keep you on your toes, somehow."
"That you do," he smiled, then stood up and offered her a hand. She
took it and was quickly pulled up into an embrace that almost took her
completely off her feet. "The way I do it, however, is a bit different
than yours."
And as their lips met once again, Buffy decided she liked his way of
keeping her on her toes much, much better.
****
Dawn heard her sister sneak into the house a few minutes after Tara
came back. The blonde witch's return was a surprise, and by the looks
of it, she was in no mood to discuss why.
Buffy, in contrast, had virtually floated in. One peek from the crack
of her partly-open door showed her sister almost beaming. There was no
doubt in Dawn's mind what, or who, had caused that smile.
The morning echoed the same vibes, albeit diminished. Tara's entry into
the kitchen dulled Buffy's cheerful mood, and after a number of
seconds, the pressure of curiosity and concern won out over a respect
for privacy.
"Tara, is everything okay?" Dawn asked, and the woman merely shook her
head, too upset to respond.
"What happened? Was it Willow?" At her name, Tara looked up at Buffy in
surprise.
"We--we had a fight, a-and I told her I couldn't be around her anymore.
It was horrible."
"You broke up with Willow?" Buffy asked in astonishment, certainly not
expecting this.
Tara nodded, then added, "She's been lying to me, and doing spells when
she thinks I don't know about them. She even did a spell on you a
couple nights ago, t-to try and make you remember."
Buffy stared off for a second, then said, "I started having headaches
yesterday, in the morning. But last night they just vanished into thin
air."
"Last night? When?" Tara asked, suddenly curious.
"It was after I left the house, maybe around 7:30?"
"I cast a dissolution spell right before then. The unfinished spell
must have been causing the headaches."
Buffy's eyes widened at the news. "What would have happened if you
didn't cast it?"
Tara shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. But it wouldn't have been
good, that's for sure."
The idea that Willow had unintentionally caused so much pain was
nothing new to Dawn--she still remembered the fallout from a spell
Willow had unwittingly cast which nearly ended up with Buffy, Xander,
Anya and Spike dead by demon hands, and Giles blinded for life. But
that had been years ago...surely Willow knew better, now?
As Tara began to explain, however, it didn't seem that was the case. As
she finished, it looked like Buffy wasn't totally taken by surprise.
Her older sister pursed her lips in thought, then crossed her arms in a
gesture Dawn knew all too well.
"I'm going to have to talk to Willow, I guess. But if she won't listen
to you, Tara..."
"I think she'll hear you, Buffy. You're her best friend, aside from
Xander. If you both confront her about it, maybe she'll realize what
she's doing and stop it. But I can't do this for her--she has to be
willing to change her ways because it's what she wants to do, not
because I want it for her."
Buffy was pensive for a moment, then smiled faintly. "I know that
dilemma. Hell, I've *been* that dilemma. But knowing Willow, if she
doesn't think she's wrong...well, stubbornness isn't quite the word for
it."
"I know," Tara nodded sagely. "Believe me, I know."
****
Later in the day, members of the gang trickled into the Magic Box one
by one. No official meeting had been called, but Buffy had let everyone
know that Tara and Willow had split up, so Xander and Giles came over
as a gesture of support, while Anya continued to take care of
customers. Dawn was at a friend's house and Willow was at work, so they
talked freely over the same concerns Buffy and Tara had shared over at
the Summers' house.
"Well, I for one am not surprised," Anya offered from behind the
counter, the shop empty of customers for the moment. "Throw that all in
with the thieving, deviant behavior she displayed while Giles was away
the first time, and you're just asking for a big heap of trouble."
"Ahn, this is my best friend we're talking about," Xander replied
painfully, still in dismay over the news. Tara had already left,
letting everyone know that she wasn't leaving Sunnydale. She planned to
move out of Buffy's home and temporarily into a friend's apartment,
just until she figured out what came next. She had no plans of
abandoning Willow, but unless there was reason to stay beyond the end
of semester, she was preparing to transfer to another school.
He sighed, then continued, "We know she's not doing this consciously,
right? I mean, she's not evil, not like some peroxided felons I could
name."
Buffy straightened in her chair, offended at the remark. Then she
sagged back, remembering that they didn't know about her and Spike,
yet. "Of course, Xander. She's a good person. But if you're looking for
an example of evil then, well, the Master's pretty high on the list.
Or--or the Mayor, who turned into a giant snake. Can't get more evil
than that, huh?"
Xander looked at her in confusion. "Yeah, I guess...but then again
they're dead, and I was searching for something a little more
contemporary and slightly more alive. Figuratively speaking."
"Ah. Yes, contemporary," Buffy replied, then desperately tried to
change the subject. "So, how about--Willow! You're here!"
"Yes, I am," Willow said from the doorway, and everyone turned to see
her. "Gang's all here, too. What's going on?"
"We heard about you and Tara...and the imploding," Xander said, then
brightened. "Oh, and hey, Buffy's headaches are gone. Seems that a
spell you did was giving her some serious migraines, and then last
night--poof! All gone."
Buffy shot Xander a look, which instantly made him shut up. "Willow--"
"My spell gave you headaches? Oh Buffy, I'm sorry!" Willow came over
and sat down next to her. "If I knew...oh God. Tara, if she hadn't cast
that spell...?"
"We don't know, but there's a chance it wouldn't have involved
happiness and light. More like, severe pain and a possible hospital
visit." Buffy hated to be the truth-teller in this situation, but if
Tara was right, they couldn't just brush this under the rug.
Willow's eyes widened in horror. "Oh no. I didn't mean to--you know I
wouldn't do this on purpose."
Buffy frowned, "No, of course not. But this isn't the only time
something like this has happened, Will. You have to start being more
careful. The spells you're doing are scaring Tara, and now we're all a
little concerned about you."
"What? Me?" She looked to Xander, and he stared back at her, obviously
in distress. "Xander, you know me. I'm not anyone to be concerned
about. I'm the Queen of Passivity."
"Will, it's not about you, really," he replied. "It's the actions
you're taking. You've changed a lot, but you're still Willow--I know
this better than anyone. But when you're casting spells, you're dealing
with powers that even advanced witches can barely comprehend.
Maybe...maybe you should just cool it with the spell casting, just for
a little while."
"Give up witchcraft?" Willow was clearly astounded. "What, just because
a couple spells went wacky? What if every scientist had stopped
experimenting just because something went wrong, or every theorist quit
because the numbers wouldn't fit? We'd be in the dark ages, using
horses for transportation and still thinking the moon's made out of
green cheese."
"You mean it's not?" Anya asked, puzzled.
Everyone turned, astounded at the remark. Willow pointed at her in
triumph. "See?"
Xander wasn't buying it. "Will, c'mon. You're not a scientist, you're a
witch. Witches don't experiments, they do...witchy things. Right, Ahn?"
Anya, still a little thrown by the revelation about the moon, answered
back, "Oh, yeah. Tinkering around with spells is a quick way of getting
yourself killed, not to mention possibly summoning a troll who ends up
destroying a good portion of a magic shop, with unpaid-for supplies and
against the recommendation of a certain ex-demon--"
"Okay, that's good, Ahn. Thanks," Xander cut her off, and she glowered
sullenly. "What we're trying to say--somewhat ineptly--is that these
things you're doing? It's leading to ultimate sorrow, pain, and
anguish. Never a good thing, in my book."
"I agree with Xander," Giles commented. "I've cautioned you before
about dealing with witchcraft, and while I've been impressed by the
amount of power you've displayed, it's also concerned me. You need more
experience in dealing with spells and the like before you have the
strength and wisdom needed to control the more powerful spells you've
been attempting."
"I don't believe this," Willow said, stunned. "If it wasn't for me and
my *dangerous* spells, Dawn might have been killed by the Knights of
Byzantium, or by Glory herself."
"You also thought you could take on Glory, and nearly got yourself
killed," Buffy replied. "If it wasn't for me, you *would* be dead."
This took some wind out of Willow's sails. "How did you know I was
there, anyway?"
Everyone was now looking at Buffy. She stumbled for a reply. "Well, I
was with Dawn, and Spike mentioned that he thought you might be all
paybacky, and I didn't you would be, but then Dawn convinced me
otherwise, so I went to Glory's, and there you were. End of story."
"Spike knew I'd be there?" This seemed to affect Willow more than their
line of reasoning had done, to date. "How?"
"Because he said that if what happened to Tara had happened to me, he'd
be doing the same thing," Buffy finished quietly. The group took that
in without comment, and Willow seemed to be seriously mulling it over.
"Tara...God. She means everything to me, and now she--she's gone. What
have I done?" The witch asked herself with the first sign of serious
repentance.
"Will, we're not asking you to give up witchcraft, or casting spells.
We're just afraid for you, like Tara is. We're only trying to help."
She nodded in response, a little numb from her revelation. "I guess
maybe Spike's not as bad as I thought," she said, a smile hinting at
the corners of her mouth.
"Yeah, maybe," Buffy said, with her own grateful smile.
"He's been really nice these past few months. I feel kinda bad for him,
since he knew that once you got your memories back, you'd hate him
again."
"What? Why did he think that?"
"Um, because you would, Buffy," Xander answered, now a bit edgy.
"Right?"
"I don't hate him, guys," she replied, knowing she was heading down the
path of no return, but unable to stop. "I haven't hated him for awhile,
now."
"Since when?" Giles asked.
Buffy shuddered from the memory of the day he earned her trust. "Since
he got tortured on my behalf. There's no way I could hate him after
that. And after all he's done recently...I couldn't treat that as
nothing. It's one of the things I learned about myself, when I couldn't
remember the past five years. Sometimes, forgiving someone is about
forgetting the past, letting it go."
Willow watched her in fascination, while Xander and Giles looked on in
horror, and Anya merely stared. Finally, Willow said, "You're in love
with him, aren't you?"
"What??" Xander shrieked, before Buffy could respond. "In love with
Spike?"
"Surely not, Willow. Buffy, tell her she's mistaken."
"I can't, Giles...because she's not."
After a long, painful beat, he replied, "Dear Lord."
Xander stared at her in shock. "I thought we didn't have to do this
again. Three times is most definitely *not* the charm."
"Guys, c'mon! We know Spike. He's not really all that bad...and he
stayed with us even when Buffy was gone. He could've left us in the
lurch, after all the vampires and demons came around."
"He's still a vampire; a soulless vampire, no less," Xander pointed
out. "Giles, Watcher-man, back me up, here."
The older man straightened his glasses. "No, thank you, I'm staying out
of this. One Slayer-vampire relationship was enough for me, if you
don't mind."
"Thanks, Giles."
"This doesn't mean I approve, Buffy," he responded in a stern voice. "I
don't. But if there's anything you've proven to me, it's that you'll do
as you like regardless of what I say. Besides, you're a grown woman
and, I hope, mature enough to make your own decisions."
"Thank you...I think," she said, somewhat baffled.
"Well, I'm not freaking out too badly," Willow offered with a hesitant
smile. "But you're sure about this? Really sure?"
Buffy thought back to the look on Spike's face when she'd kissed him,
and through to when he'd first seen her after she had come back.
"Definitely, Will," she replied with a smile. "For the first time in a
long while, I'm happy. He makes me happy--and I can be myself with him,
no conditions or covering up my real identity."
"But what about the chip, Buf? He loses that, and it's good-bye
boyfriend, hello evil monster. Again."
Buffy shook her head, and even Xander was impressed by her resolve.
"No, it won't. These last three months, he's been here with you,
fighting the fighting...and for what? Not my approval, that's for sure.
You've been around him, fought alongside him, talked and even made nice
with him," she glanced pointedly at Xander, who shrunk a bit in his
seat. "Can you honestly tell me he hasn't changed?"
"He has altered his behavior," Giles allowed, "but his nature is that
of a vampire--a demon. One who has no conscience, no soul to speak of.
Without that, he's just a monster."
"Giles, wasn't it you who told me that there were two types of
monsters? That those who could be redeemed were able to love--and
wanted to be redeemed, while the ones who weren't able to reason or
love, couldn't be redeemed?"
He stared off, trying to remember what she was talking about, and then
it hit him. "Bloody--you're right. You're absolutely right, I did say
that. Amazing. You *do* listen to what I say, after all."
She grinned. "What can I tell you? That spell-trance thing is really
good at sharpening the memories."
"So, wait. You're on Buffy's side, now?" Xander complained to Giles,
feeling left out.
"Well, as it happens, I recall saying that back when we were talking
about the possibility of Angel returning from Acathla's demon
dimension. Your incredibly vivid 'dream', I believe it was."
Buffy wrung her hands in guilt. "I know, and I'm still sorry about
that, but moving on...Spike loves me. He loves Dawn, too, in an
entirely different way than me. And in a way, I think he cares about
all of you, to some degree.
"As for wanting to be redeemed, well, he might not be there, yet. He's
heading in that direction, though, and he stopping trying to convince
us he's evil a long time ago. Now, the only time he'll say it is when
he's trying to persuade someone against putting their trust in him. He
did it for me, just a few days ago, and he did it for Dawn as well. If
anything, though, he's proven that he's trustworthy."
"His actions speak louder than his words?" Willow offered. "I can see
that."
"Okay, I admit it--he is a lot different now than he was in the
beginning. And he's only partly as annoying as the original dead boy,"
Xander capitulated. "I'm not thrilled about it, though."
"Gee, your support is so overwhelming," Buffy teased, then turned to
her other friend. "Willow?"
"Oh, well, if you're happy, that's all I need. And if he hurts you in
any way, shape, or form, then he's gonna feel my wrath," she replied
with confident glee, then frowned. "Well, my wrath is probably going to
be not so much with the spell casting, and more with the heavy end of a
shovel, but still."
"O-kay. Glad to hear it, Will." Buffy smiled, only a little disturbed.
"So even if we do the relationshippy stuff in front of you guys, it's
all right?"
She heard Xander's forehead hit the table with a groan, and sighed in
defeat. "Guess we still need to work on that one."