Lost and Foundering
~**~**~
Epilogue
~**~**~
As a way to unwind, they all ended up at the Bronze that night, even Dawn. In
the days after Buffy's return, this was the first time they really felt like
celebrating. A band played loudly and enthusiastically on the stage; Willow
didn't think they were as good as the Dingoes, and Buffy wryly commented that
she never thought anyone was as good as Oz's old band.
Dawn nearly glowed from the presence of so many older, attractive guys. Some of
them were so old, they were even seniors in high school, she remarked lightly,
and Xander almost choked on his drink. Anya slapped his back in an effort to
help, but it only made his skin tingle in a way he didn't like.
"So what does that make me, I wonder?" He managed to reply when his lungs had
stopping aching.
"Oh, you don't count, Xander," Dawn smiled, and he didn't know whether to be
offended or grateful to be excluded from whatever list she had created.
Willow bobbed her straw around in her ginger ale, twirling the ice cubes
absently. "Do you think Tara will show up?"
"Don't know, Will. She knows we come here, she might not want to run into...us,"
he covered just barely, seeing the hurt look on her face. His eyes paused on
something in the distance, then he continued, "But if she was here, what would
you do?"
"What? She's here?" Willow spun around. Xander tried to stop her, but she
countered, "I saw that pause-y thing you did with your eyes. You saw her!"
"Willow, hold on--" Buffy tried, but the redhead found her target and
disappeared into the crowd in search of her. "Slick move, Mr. Pause-y Eyes."
"Hey, it's not like I planned it or anything," he defended himself, then paused
again. "Now there's someone I *really* didn't want to spot."
Buffy frowned then turned to look, and the frown instantly evaporated into a
grin. A certain white-blond haired man made his way through the throng of people
to stop at the Slayer's side, matching her grin.
"Hey, cutie."
"Hey," she responded, tilting her head up for the kiss he offered her. They both
ignored the slight gagging noise coming from the other side of the table.
"Sod off, Harris," Spike replied good-naturedly. "Fancy a twirl around the dance
floor, love?"
"Thought you'd never ask," she answered, and placed her hand in his as they
walked over to the large group of people swaying to the beat of the music.
Dawn, Xander and Anya watched them leave, then Anya turned to Xander and asked
something that had obviously been nagging her all night. "I was wondering...if
Willow and Tara are splitting up, does that mean Tara isn't going to be in the
wedding?"
The girl rolled her eyes, while Xander replied patiently, "Well, yeah. If they
stay that way, then it would be too awkward...and possibly mortifying."
"Oh. So that means she won't be giving us a large, expensive wedding present?
Like say, a vacuum cleaner or a mixer?"
"Ahn--"
"All right, all right," she huffed sullenly. "It just sucks that Willow's
relationship problem results in us getting one less wedding gift."
Rather than argue with her, he placated her by saying, "But, it does mean one
less dinner to pay for at the reception..."
"Ooh. Yes. Excellent point, Xander." Her eyes glinted in the light as she
considered the many ways the money could be spent elsewhere. "What would I do
without you?"
He sighed, hiding a sudden grin. "I have *no* idea, Anya. And the feeling's
mutual."
****
The crowd of people seemed determined to keep Willow from reaching Tara, but she
didn't let it discourage her. Finally, she elbowed someone out of the way, to
find Tara sitting at a table with two of her Wiccan friends, oblivious to her
presence.
"Tara?" Willow began softly, now worried that this had been a mistake, after
all. The blonde woman spun to face her, surprise etched on her face.
"Oh! Willow. Um, hi," Tara's eyes darted between her lover and her friends.
"This is Gwen, a-and Patty. Guys, this is Willow."
Gwen waved silently, while Patty ducked her head in embarrassment before saying
hello. Apparently, news had traveled fast.
"Tara, can I talk to you for a minute? Alone?"
Her friends didn't appear to like the idea, but Tara murmured something to them
and they left the table for the dance floor. Willow took a chair across from
Tara, more nervous than she could easily remember.
"I wanted to apologize, Tara. I understand why you left, now. I shut you out,
and it wasn't...I shouldn't have done that. I never wanted you to leave."
Tara looked at her in sympathy. "I know. But things haven't been right for some
time. And it's not just you, it's me. I...I hid information about myself to you,
then tried to hide it by casting a spell that went horribly wrong. Have we
really ever trusted each other, Willow? Or have we been too afraid to tell the
truth, afraid that it would destroy our relationship?"
"What...what do you mean?" The fear was beginning to build. It sounded like she
meant...no, she couldn't mean that. "This isn't a phase. I already told you
that."
Tara shook her head. "No, I know it's not. I meant we're too unsure of
ourselves, too scared to think it isn't perfect. We've tried so hard not to
fight, and all it's done is make things worse."
"But I know where I went wrong, now, Tara! I won't do it again, I promise. Just-
-just don't leave me." Like Oz did, Willow finished silently.
"I'm not leaving your life, Willow. But I think...it would be wise to step away
for awhile. We need--I need space. Time to process, think about us...you
understand, right?"
A little bit of Willow's heart died, but she smiled through the pain. In a way,
she did understand. "Yeah, I do. I need to be more stable, and forthcoming.
Maybe...maybe we could talk later? Not soon, but just, well, later sometime?"
Tara smiled wanly. "Yeah, sometime."
Willow nodded, realizing the talk was over. They weren't together anymore, not
unless Tara had a sudden change of heart. She wandered away from the table and
back to her own, noticing but not registering the sight of Buffy and Spike on
the dance floor. It seemed surreal, but so did everything, now...maybe it was a
coping mechanism. She wasn't sure whether to be grateful for the numbness, or
afraid of it.
****
The pounding rhythm of the music gave way to a slow-paced ballad, and the
singles left the dance floor in deference to the couples. Spike pulled Buffy in,
reveling in this newfound closeness and affection.
Her arms wrapped around his neck as he held her, and his eyes closed from the
overload of sensation. He focused on the feel of her in his arms, the warmth
radiating from her body, the suppleness of her skin underneath her clothes, the
grace in the way she moved with him, flowing into every step as if it was
choreographed beforehand.
This synchrony they shared was new, and yet it felt ancient, as if it had always
been there, waiting for a time to emerge. The newness was in the method, the
dance that went from fighting to polite turns on the floor of the Bronze, and
hopefully, a not-so-polite dance of sorts in the future.
He smiled at the thought, then focused on the rhythm of her breathing, the beat
of her heart against his stilled one. For a brief moment, he mourned the fact it
was one thing they wouldn't share, but it passed quickly. All he could ever hope
for was in his arms, and he'd be a fool not to be grateful for it.
There were still a lot of questions needing answers, not the least of which was
the likelihood of the future, and what it held for them. Spike understood the
realities of their lives, and knew neither one of them were likely to have the
'happily ever after'. It wasn't pleasant to think about, but he knew Buffy felt
the same way, and had accepted her fate.
Whatever the cost, though, he vowed to make sure that ending was as far in the
future as possible.
"Spike, look at me," Buffy whispered, her breath warm against his skin. He
opened his eyes as requested, gazing down at her with an openness and love that
went unparalleled in his entire existence.
She was smiling lazily at him, happy and content in a way he'd never seen from
her, before. "I love it when you look at me like that."
"Like what?" He teased, trying not to smirk.
"Like I'm the most fabulous, gorgeous woman on the planet, and there's no one
else in the world you'd rather be with."
Her obvious love and admiration for him made him feel strong and weak at the
same time. Somehow, despite it all, he managed to keep his voice steady,
"Because it's true, love. Every word, every syllable."
She closed her eyes, a slight, wondering smile on her face, then she sighed and
remarked, "Oh boy, am I in trouble. I didn't think I could be in love with you
any more than I was, but you just proved me wrong. And for once, I don't mind."
It took him a second to digest that, then he smiled in amazed delight. Suddenly,
he couldn't grasp the idea of their relationship not standing up against the
tide of fate and destiny. In her actions and words, he found the hope he'd been
searching for.
They would make it. It wouldn't be easy, or ideal, but he knew that together,
they could beat the odds. He tightened his hold on her and replied, "Know what?
Same goes for me, Buffy."
She gave him a vaguely puzzled, yet amused, look. He could tell she wanted to
ask, but instead, she contented herself with leaning in and placing her lips
over his, a short kiss filled with the promise of more to come.
~*Fini*~
~**~**~
Epilogue
~**~**~
As a way to unwind, they all ended up at the Bronze that night, even Dawn. In
the days after Buffy's return, this was the first time they really felt like
celebrating. A band played loudly and enthusiastically on the stage; Willow
didn't think they were as good as the Dingoes, and Buffy wryly commented that
she never thought anyone was as good as Oz's old band.
Dawn nearly glowed from the presence of so many older, attractive guys. Some of
them were so old, they were even seniors in high school, she remarked lightly,
and Xander almost choked on his drink. Anya slapped his back in an effort to
help, but it only made his skin tingle in a way he didn't like.
"So what does that make me, I wonder?" He managed to reply when his lungs had
stopping aching.
"Oh, you don't count, Xander," Dawn smiled, and he didn't know whether to be
offended or grateful to be excluded from whatever list she had created.
Willow bobbed her straw around in her ginger ale, twirling the ice cubes
absently. "Do you think Tara will show up?"
"Don't know, Will. She knows we come here, she might not want to run into...us,"
he covered just barely, seeing the hurt look on her face. His eyes paused on
something in the distance, then he continued, "But if she was here, what would
you do?"
"What? She's here?" Willow spun around. Xander tried to stop her, but she
countered, "I saw that pause-y thing you did with your eyes. You saw her!"
"Willow, hold on--" Buffy tried, but the redhead found her target and
disappeared into the crowd in search of her. "Slick move, Mr. Pause-y Eyes."
"Hey, it's not like I planned it or anything," he defended himself, then paused
again. "Now there's someone I *really* didn't want to spot."
Buffy frowned then turned to look, and the frown instantly evaporated into a
grin. A certain white-blond haired man made his way through the throng of people
to stop at the Slayer's side, matching her grin.
"Hey, cutie."
"Hey," she responded, tilting her head up for the kiss he offered her. They both
ignored the slight gagging noise coming from the other side of the table.
"Sod off, Harris," Spike replied good-naturedly. "Fancy a twirl around the dance
floor, love?"
"Thought you'd never ask," she answered, and placed her hand in his as they
walked over to the large group of people swaying to the beat of the music.
Dawn, Xander and Anya watched them leave, then Anya turned to Xander and asked
something that had obviously been nagging her all night. "I was wondering...if
Willow and Tara are splitting up, does that mean Tara isn't going to be in the
wedding?"
The girl rolled her eyes, while Xander replied patiently, "Well, yeah. If they
stay that way, then it would be too awkward...and possibly mortifying."
"Oh. So that means she won't be giving us a large, expensive wedding present?
Like say, a vacuum cleaner or a mixer?"
"Ahn--"
"All right, all right," she huffed sullenly. "It just sucks that Willow's
relationship problem results in us getting one less wedding gift."
Rather than argue with her, he placated her by saying, "But, it does mean one
less dinner to pay for at the reception..."
"Ooh. Yes. Excellent point, Xander." Her eyes glinted in the light as she
considered the many ways the money could be spent elsewhere. "What would I do
without you?"
He sighed, hiding a sudden grin. "I have *no* idea, Anya. And the feeling's
mutual."
****
The crowd of people seemed determined to keep Willow from reaching Tara, but she
didn't let it discourage her. Finally, she elbowed someone out of the way, to
find Tara sitting at a table with two of her Wiccan friends, oblivious to her
presence.
"Tara?" Willow began softly, now worried that this had been a mistake, after
all. The blonde woman spun to face her, surprise etched on her face.
"Oh! Willow. Um, hi," Tara's eyes darted between her lover and her friends.
"This is Gwen, a-and Patty. Guys, this is Willow."
Gwen waved silently, while Patty ducked her head in embarrassment before saying
hello. Apparently, news had traveled fast.
"Tara, can I talk to you for a minute? Alone?"
Her friends didn't appear to like the idea, but Tara murmured something to them
and they left the table for the dance floor. Willow took a chair across from
Tara, more nervous than she could easily remember.
"I wanted to apologize, Tara. I understand why you left, now. I shut you out,
and it wasn't...I shouldn't have done that. I never wanted you to leave."
Tara looked at her in sympathy. "I know. But things haven't been right for some
time. And it's not just you, it's me. I...I hid information about myself to you,
then tried to hide it by casting a spell that went horribly wrong. Have we
really ever trusted each other, Willow? Or have we been too afraid to tell the
truth, afraid that it would destroy our relationship?"
"What...what do you mean?" The fear was beginning to build. It sounded like she
meant...no, she couldn't mean that. "This isn't a phase. I already told you
that."
Tara shook her head. "No, I know it's not. I meant we're too unsure of
ourselves, too scared to think it isn't perfect. We've tried so hard not to
fight, and all it's done is make things worse."
"But I know where I went wrong, now, Tara! I won't do it again, I promise. Just-
-just don't leave me." Like Oz did, Willow finished silently.
"I'm not leaving your life, Willow. But I think...it would be wise to step away
for awhile. We need--I need space. Time to process, think about us...you
understand, right?"
A little bit of Willow's heart died, but she smiled through the pain. In a way,
she did understand. "Yeah, I do. I need to be more stable, and forthcoming.
Maybe...maybe we could talk later? Not soon, but just, well, later sometime?"
Tara smiled wanly. "Yeah, sometime."
Willow nodded, realizing the talk was over. They weren't together anymore, not
unless Tara had a sudden change of heart. She wandered away from the table and
back to her own, noticing but not registering the sight of Buffy and Spike on
the dance floor. It seemed surreal, but so did everything, now...maybe it was a
coping mechanism. She wasn't sure whether to be grateful for the numbness, or
afraid of it.
****
The pounding rhythm of the music gave way to a slow-paced ballad, and the
singles left the dance floor in deference to the couples. Spike pulled Buffy in,
reveling in this newfound closeness and affection.
Her arms wrapped around his neck as he held her, and his eyes closed from the
overload of sensation. He focused on the feel of her in his arms, the warmth
radiating from her body, the suppleness of her skin underneath her clothes, the
grace in the way she moved with him, flowing into every step as if it was
choreographed beforehand.
This synchrony they shared was new, and yet it felt ancient, as if it had always
been there, waiting for a time to emerge. The newness was in the method, the
dance that went from fighting to polite turns on the floor of the Bronze, and
hopefully, a not-so-polite dance of sorts in the future.
He smiled at the thought, then focused on the rhythm of her breathing, the beat
of her heart against his stilled one. For a brief moment, he mourned the fact it
was one thing they wouldn't share, but it passed quickly. All he could ever hope
for was in his arms, and he'd be a fool not to be grateful for it.
There were still a lot of questions needing answers, not the least of which was
the likelihood of the future, and what it held for them. Spike understood the
realities of their lives, and knew neither one of them were likely to have the
'happily ever after'. It wasn't pleasant to think about, but he knew Buffy felt
the same way, and had accepted her fate.
Whatever the cost, though, he vowed to make sure that ending was as far in the
future as possible.
"Spike, look at me," Buffy whispered, her breath warm against his skin. He
opened his eyes as requested, gazing down at her with an openness and love that
went unparalleled in his entire existence.
She was smiling lazily at him, happy and content in a way he'd never seen from
her, before. "I love it when you look at me like that."
"Like what?" He teased, trying not to smirk.
"Like I'm the most fabulous, gorgeous woman on the planet, and there's no one
else in the world you'd rather be with."
Her obvious love and admiration for him made him feel strong and weak at the
same time. Somehow, despite it all, he managed to keep his voice steady,
"Because it's true, love. Every word, every syllable."
She closed her eyes, a slight, wondering smile on her face, then she sighed and
remarked, "Oh boy, am I in trouble. I didn't think I could be in love with you
any more than I was, but you just proved me wrong. And for once, I don't mind."
It took him a second to digest that, then he smiled in amazed delight. Suddenly,
he couldn't grasp the idea of their relationship not standing up against the
tide of fate and destiny. In her actions and words, he found the hope he'd been
searching for.
They would make it. It wouldn't be easy, or ideal, but he knew that together,
they could beat the odds. He tightened his hold on her and replied, "Know what?
Same goes for me, Buffy."
She gave him a vaguely puzzled, yet amused, look. He could tell she wanted to
ask, but instead, she contented herself with leaning in and placing her lips
over his, a short kiss filled with the promise of more to come.
~*Fini*~