Here's the fourth chapter in the 'Pain' series…enjoy. If you don't like song fics, you'd better not read this chapter, 'cause that's basically what it is.
Hatred
In a few hours I've gone from being a respected and well liked FBI Agent to still being a well respected Agent with nothing but hate inside myself, nothing but cold fury and rage for the one man I respected and damn near thought of as kind of a father figure to me; Bailey Malone.
How could I have been fooled so badly? How the Hell did it happen? I didn't even see it coming, and then they decide to hit me with this news? Nailed me like a freight train during rush hour.
Rain comes down on my rooftop, the steady sound of it almost lulling me to sleep at my kitchen table. Sighing, I begin to clear the table and throw the dishes with the rest of them in the sink, which, by the way, is starting to pile up.
"Gonna have to do those tomorrow," I mutter as I head to the couch and plop myself down on it, just barely hearing the lyrics to the song that was currently playing on my CD player.
"And we hide behind
Lies, anger, hate they shoo love away
Build shells of ourselves outside
It shelters body from cold reigns of reality…"
Perfect description of myself, I think drowsily.
"…Come on, step out, of your rind, assemble strength! Focus…
…Release and run to me
You can never look back
To the visions from the past
They fade away and wilt in time
You've got to just trust me to hold your hand through
Then I turn and walk away…"
Maybe I SHOULD make Bailey's death look like an accident. 'Oh, sorry Sam, my gun…it misfired…I don't know how it happened…'
"…Eclipse you
And bleed you, strip you of your states of ain soph aur
Eclipse you,
I spit up on my plate and I push everything away
From me
And we sever all ties
It creates disruption midst circle of friends
I become the sacrifice
Spare your life and leave me to my misery…"
Yeah, I didn't see either of you asking me about what I thought of you getting hitched, but I'm almost positive Sam mentioned something to Grace about it before making that general announcement, and as for you Bailey…well who gives a fuck, really.
"Get off the cross
And save yourself
Run away
It'll be okay!
(Run away) Run now get away from me (and don't look back) if I can get my grip I'll pull you (Don't ask for help) down into the Hell I call my head you'll never get away
(Get off the cross) I sit down in my ugly place (and save your self) and build walls out of fragments from my past of all the people that I needed and loved that walked away
You've got to just trust me to hold your hand through then I'll turn and walk away…"
"That's right Bailey…I'll walk away as your blood begins to pool on the floor…"
"I walk under clouds of gray
Sphere of storms in my head
I'm trapped again in endless rain...
I divorce the thoughts of you in love with me,
I divorce your innocence and my guilt,
I divorce the lying sellout confidence,
I'm divorcing every mother fuckin' thing,
I divorce the love bled meaningless,
I divorce the makeshift harmony,
I divorce the taunting acts of violence,
I divorce the pastime of jealousy,
I divorce control,
I divorce the faith,
I divorce the virtue,
I divorce the rain,
I divorce the excuse,
I divorce the greed,
I divorce the need,
I divorce iniquity in this mother fuckin' bullshit life,
Just want it all to go away,
Just want to run away to die, take it, myself, my life,
Text book fucking mental, off me and pitch me in a hole!
In this mother fuckin bullshit life
In this fuckin' bullshit life…"
Yeah, Sam will probably say that I'm off my fucking rocker if I ever get caught. But since I am, in a way, cleansing myself of all the shit that no longer matters to me, it, well, doesn't matter.
"I'll always be your shadow
And veil your eyes from states of ain soph aur
I can't be the hero anymore
I spit up on my plate and then I turn and walk away
I spit up on my plate and I disrupt the family
I spit up on my plate as I sever the unity
And I feel your warm sun on my face
Separate, separate, separate, SEPARATE!"
I'm sorry Sam…but I gotta do what I gotta do. If it means getting rid of Bailey to make you see you're making the biggest mistake of your life, then God damn it, that's what I'm going to do…
"…Eclipse you
And bleed you, strip you, of your states of ain soph aur
Eclipse you,
I spit up on my plate and I push everything away
From me
Eclipse you
And bleed you, strip you, of your states of ain soph aur
Eclipse you,
It's always been this way
Push everything away
From me
Eclipse you
And bleed you, strip you, of your states of ain soph aur
Eclipse you,
I spit up on my plate and I push everything…
Oddly enough, I fall asleep with a smile on my face. I haven't done that in awhile…