RAINBOW BRITE MEETS AUSTIN POWERS, CHAPTER 3

Back in Rainbowland, in 2001, Krys arrived on On-X, with Shy Violet in tow. Shy Violet carried her carpetbag with her. She was going to take portions of her lab back to the M.O.D. to aid in the trailing and capture of Dr. Evil. Also, she was going to find some extraterrestrial technology devices, set for the year A.D.1966.

"Violet, why is it so necessary to set the year and time?"

"Because cell phones and microwaves did not get introduced to Terra as quickly as other regions of the Milky Way. Terra is orbiting in a very primitive solar system."

"Fine…but why so much stuff? And how will we carry it?"

"Simple. By way of my Packmaster Carpetbag."

"A Packmaster? On Terra?"

"No, silly! From Frammistan! Terra has not even been introduced the Packmaster now in their year 2001."

"Pardon my questions, but I need to go tell Rainbow what I have meant to tell her." Krys excused himself, and went to check on Rainbow.

When he got to the room, he was in a bit of a shock.

Rainbow Brite was walking around, as mobile and robust as if she never had encountered the asteroids left of the exploded Terra.

"How-how did you-"

Canary Yellow giggled as she came into the room. She pulled out a handbag she had made for Rainbow to carry.

"You're all packed, ready to go, and dressed as fab as can be. Now, the Age Ranging Chamber will be ready in twenty minutes." She then jumped as she noticed Krys. "Krys! Back so soon?"

"I came to check on you…and to tell you some things."

Krys proceeded to tell of how he felt for doubting her, and girls in general, for his lack of "the Force," as he put it. (She was still in juvenile form.)

"When will you be ready to go?"

"I'll be ready tomorrow. I need to ask Twink to keep a close watch on how the Sprites run the Color Console, and clear up some other affairs."

"I'm ready to go back. Are you?"

"Violet. How's your covert scheme with Indigo going?"

"I'm expecting a report when I get back. Also, I'm taking my 1965 yearbook with me to see how we're doing."

She opened the slim yearbook, and noted the date and time the planet exploded. "July 17, 1965, at 6:13 p.m. Good. We've delayed it. Wait a minute…we've got the blast equivalent of 100 million warheads, and an alteration of the orbit of Mars. There has got to be a weapons amplifier in the explosion somewhere."

"Well, let's get going."

Meanwhile, Dr. Evil and his cohorts were listening to his plan.

"Excuse me, Dr. Evil?" asked Indigo, as "Patricia."

"Did I ask you to speak?"

"Pardon my speaking out of turn, but I was curious. How did you get to become a Doctor Evil instead of a Mister Evil?"

"By spending four years in Evil Medical School, of course."

"So, where is this Evil Medical School?"

"In the Soviet Republic of Kreplachistan."

"I find it hard to believe that you studied in a Soviet Republic, especially when you sound distinctly capitalistic and American."

"Actually, Kreplachistan is a very odd Republic. Its universities were taken over by the Kreplachs for Evil when the U.S.S.R. gave it the name."

He got up out of his chair to go get his evil doctorate certification.

While he was gone, she sat down in his chair, feeling the leather in the seat, and giving it a gentle tug on the seat joystick here and there.

"Patricia, what are you doing?"

"I'm sitting in Dr. Evil's chair. It's a nice fantasy."

Actually, she was running her energy through the device. It would generally terrorize those sitters she did not like, most notably Dr. Evil. (Yes, it was that chair that was on the moon in The Spy Who Shagged Me-the one that spun around irregularly.)

He showed her several diplomas and Degrees. Emmett Vincent Ignatius Logan, M.D. was the name the degree was under.

"Ah, so that's how you say Dr. Evil. It's a monogram."

"And don't you forget it! By the way, what's your dream?"

"Oh? I dream to be a star of the Broadway stage."

"An evil star of the Broadway stage?"

A bit odd of a query, thought Indigo, but a predictable one. "You bet."

"Good. Follow those evil dreams."

"Patricia" noticed an otherworldly device on Dr. Evil's desk, consisting of an eggplant-looking device with otherworldly runes reading "Exponential Weapon Amplifier" on its side.

"What is that?"

"Agnes Silvertoe gave me this device to enhance the qualities of the nuclear warhead. It will cause even more violent eruptions when I send the warhead into the mantle. All of the earth's cities and towns will be covered in liquid hot MAG-ma."

"Why? Why do you need an amplifier? The Earth's major cities will be covered in lava anyway!"

"Shhh!"

"Why? Why must I-"

"Make like a tree and Shhh!"

"Just for one-"

"Shhh, Daddy-o!"

"But I-"

"Shhh!"

"A-"

"Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!"

"Where will we be?"

"Why, we will be tucked safely in our Pacific Ocean lair, just minutes from here. I understand you are fond of the ocean floor's creatures."

"Very well. Get me the president of the United States!"

At the White House, a "combination bracket" of agents was being introduced to the President of the U.S.A., in order to keep him safe, just in case Dr. Evil's cohorts were to enter the building.

"Mr. President, your agents from British Intelligence and Roy G. Biv have arrived."

"Bring them in."

Several Secret Service agents brought Patty O'Green, Buddy Blue and Lala Orange in, along with James Kensington and Patricia.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman. How may I address you?"

"I'm Mr. Kensington, and this is Mrs. Kensington."

"Mrs. Kensington?"

"Yes. Mrs. Kensington."

"Oh, yes." Patricia smiled widely.

"And who are your bright monochromatic associates?"

"These are the agents from Roy G. Biv, who we are cooperating with. This is Agent Green, gent Blue, and this is Agent Orange."

Patty and Lala were dressed similarly, in matching Jackie Onassis-style suits in their respective colors. Buddy was dressed in a royal blue suit with a Nehru jacket, and slightly longer hair than normal.

"Can't say these kids lack style."

"We must accompany you into the conference room."

"Very well, then. Let's go."

"Dr. Evil, it's time to threaten the world leader."

"Thank you, Miss Silvertoe. Get me the President of the United States!"

The President's White House Closed Circuit Television came on.

"Mr. President. In exactly 36 hours, I will send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth, unless you pay me-"

(Ba da DA-DA!)

"ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"

Patty and Buddy burst out laughing.

Lala whispered to them. "Psst…this is 1965. That is a lot of money."

"How could you!" cried the President.

"I believe we have an understanding. Bye Bye."

Dr. Evil turned to his cohorts and said, "Our plan is falling into place."

And yes, they joined in an evil laugh.

"MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And then they stopped laughing and stared at each other for a while. Then Dr. Evil decided to get them all laughing again.

"MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

AD NAUSEAM….

Once the M. O. D. declared the U.S. President safe from attack (12 hours after all that evil laughter started-the instant it stopped -.-), Shy Violet came back on On-X, as did Canary Yellow.

"We've got a Weapons Amplification Abort Device ready, as well as a good bit of weaponry able to give to the Ministry for their Top Secret Labs. Canary Yellow is here to note Patty O'Green's health, and any psychological help for Buddy Blue."

Once everybody was dismissed, they readied at Austin's Pad for a model shoot. At the model shoot, it was noted that one of the models worked for Dr. Evil. Which one was almost an immediate giveaway; it was Indigo, in her original color of hair and skin.

"Hi. Austin Powers? I've heard so much about you. My name is Twiggy."

"Twiggy? It's such a pleasure." He whispered something to her, that good taste forbids me to place here (which is rare-this is, after all, Austin Powers).

He then came to the brooding, dark-skinned woman (Indigo, duh!).

"Who are you, baby?"

"I am Iona Goodpussy," she introduced herself to be.

"Excuse me?"

"Iona Goodpussy." She knew Austin got it. She loved to do that to him.

"Well, I'm sure you do. Would you let me test it later?"

"James Bond came to agree with me after he did."

"Oh, that assassin guy under M. Small schemes compared to me. No Powers." He winked.

Shy Violet stayed behind to monitor Austin's safety, since it was she who suggested photography to take care of extra money, and to keep up with the trends. (It was also a way to develop his mojo-the best means of defeating the truly evil and colorless forces he was fighting.)

When Austin just did not seem to get the whole purpose of the shoot, Buddy decided to try it. He somehow did not bring the best out in the women either…until, that is, Patty came into the shoot.

Here are some of the things Buddy said:

"Yes! Beautiful! Feeling it."

"Okay, you're a tiger!"

"Alright, you're a lemur!"

"You are the best!"

"Make a series of interconnected tunnels like the Viet Cong."

At one point, Patty was shooting Buddy also.

And then they were spent.

Austin got a second roll of film, and the rest is fashion photography history!

Meanwhile, Lala, Lawrence and Red joined James and Patricia out for a stroll along Carnaby Street. As they passed The Grapes, James took a look at Patricia and said….

"You know how I adressed you as Mrs. Kensington to the Americans?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to be Mrs. Kensington-for real?"

He kneeled and pulled out a ring with an aquamarine and an emerald on it. "I have loved you from the moment I saw you. This is the 60s, of course, but I am sure that the only bird I want to shag, night after night, is you. Would you be Mrs. Patricia Kensington?"

Patricia screamed, a tear came out of her eyes, and she fell into his arms.

"Yes, yes, yes!"

Red Butler showed Lala a ring himself. "Would you give me the greatest honor of being your husband?"

"Magnifique!" Lala whispered.

Lawrence pouted, "Some girls get all the luck!"

As the crew cleaned up from the modeling shoot, Shy Violet talked in confidence to Buddy Blue. He was asking questions about marriage proposals, and why humans did such a thing-and Shy Violet was ready, at Indigo's behest.

"Why do men and women marry?"

"I think it is to make a man and a woman pleadge to shag exclusively with each other. For reasons of aggression, selfishness and rage, people would only take care of children that were their own. Marriage was introduced to this planet as a way to secure that the father and the mother of a certain set of children were the same."

"It seems a failure."

"Yes, it is, in many respects and cases. Most people would die before losing the chance to spread their seed to as many others as possible. But, in the cases of marriage where true love is a factor, it is a sure success."

"A sure success. I hope it is with Patty and myself."

"Are you wanting to marry her?"

"Did the sun rise?"

"Well, you won't do so with that tone. Be true and honest when you ask. Oh, and don't forget the ring."

Shy Violet pulled out a garish jewel, which was half blue, half green, on a golden ring. It was at least an inch across, and it was a rounded-off square.

"It's Tourmaline."

"I never knew there was a stone like this."

"Tourmaline comes from a Latin word meaning change. Think of it-a blending of blue and green, together in one precious jewel! A perfect concept, don't you think?"

"Is Indigo here; telepathically dictating things to you?"

Iona Goodpussy stepped in the room.

"So, what do you think?"

"Indigo! How did you get Dr. Evil to send you back?"

"I entered Dr. Evil's secret realm, and guess what? The island is made almost entirely of Pits rock! Impregnable to color!"

"That means it's the island Northwest of Fiji Basil and I were talking about! That's the only place Terra has Pits rock!"

"I brought a sample. It's got nuclear radiation, though, so be careful."

Austin came in. "Miss Goodpussy. Shall we?"

"Surely," replied Indigo. She then whispered to Violet, "I'm supposed to come and kill Austin. That's why he sent me here. I've got to get Austin to believe who I am!"

"That's easy. You were his first shag."

"Just send a letter or something telling him Patricia's dead. He's dumber than Lurky. It's only because of Frau Farbissina and Number Two he's gotten so far!"

"Miss Goodpussy?"

"Coming, my darling."

Austin laughed the way he did when he knew his mojo was working.

Indigo tried to put up a defense, but the two of them cross-mojinated and they revealed who they were. Then…well, you know.

"Patricia is dead! How could she! I will not tolerate failure."

Dr. Evil got a whiff of Indigo's mojo, and he liked her very much. That's why she was so successful.

Number Two asked, "What are we going to do about Austin?"

"Kill him."

To Be Continued....

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