Imagine my surprise when I found out that Jay has left the show. So naturally, I had to dedicate a story to it. This is a two-part Jay-focused story. Of course, I can't leave out Linstead. But romance isn't the focus here. Just Jay working through some things after his depature.
('m still working on the other stories. I'm almost done with the next chapter of Everything Comes back to you, which is why I deleted the author's note. I'm sorry for the confusion)
To say the past few months have been rough would be an understatement for Jay. Every morning for the past three months, he had woken up to a variation of beige, white and gray blank walls— so different from the cozy home he had left behind in Chicago. Willingly. His mind reminded him of that fact every morning before he squashed his inner voice. He didn't leave the only city he had known as home willingly. It was just necessary.
For the last couple of years, Jay had lost himself. Tied up in the matters of his relationship with Hailey and giving his all to his work, he didn't even realize how he had changed. He was too busy dealing with one crisis after another— both personally and professionally— that he didn't stop to take a breath until it was almost too late.
The memory of him standing over the dead body with the bloody knife in his hand was a constant reminder of just how far he had gone. Just how far he had lost parts of himself until he felt like he didn't even recognize the body he was standing in. He felt like an outsider at that moment, watching a stunned and paralyzed version of himself standing there in silence while Voight and Hailey were shouting at him in panic. It was when he knew. He couldn't stay there longer. Chicago was no longer for him.
It hurt to leave the city, the unit, his wife. He knew Hailey deserved better. Much better than the last minute goodbye he had given her. His finger played with the ring on his finger as he sat in his bed, the ring serving as a reminder of how he had failed his vows and failed Hailey. Jay squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his face, trying to scrub these invading thoughts from his head. He opened his eyes again and blinked a few times, trying to get his bearings. His eyes scanned the beige walls of his surroundings, a small room somewhere in Bolivia.
He got up and started to get ready for the long day ahead that he knew was coming. Things in Bolivia were chaotic, to say the least. The war on drugs that he had signed up for was surging and growing in fervor more and more every day.
The key Bolivian cartels were not happy with the growing U.S military presence in their turf, most specifically the Lima Lobos. The main cartel in Bolivia had connections to other cartels in Brazil, Colombia and other parts of South America. Even though the military had made progress in the past few years in the arrest of the key leaders, the cartel was like Hydra. Cut its head off and two more grew in its place. There was a long succession line of family members chomping at the bits to take their place as the head of the cartel. And now they were dealing with its most ruthless and vicious leader yet— Manuel Dorado.
Jay thought his unit had hit the jackpot when they intercepted a shipment at a seaport— container ships filled with drugs headed for the European market. But they were the ones caught off-guard when the ship containers were opened to find not only bundles of drugs but girls cramped together inside. It seemed as though Manuel Dorado was no longer satisfied with trafficking drugs only and now had ventured into trafficking humans.
The change in situation was much bigger than Jay and his unit were equipped to handle so his superiors had called in the big guns. Whoever the military had called in were arriving today and as the leader of his unit, Jay knew he needed to make a good impression. It was a big responsibility to lead the unit and while the others in Intelligence and Voight himself had informally considered him as the second in command back home, Jay never saw himself as that. But now he was wearing shoes that he hadn't really prepared himself for, trying to walk upright and set the right examples for the men and women that trusted and followed him. Heavy the head that wears the crown and whatnot.
He smoothed over his crisp uniform and headed out to the main office, ready to greet whoever was coming to help them out. There was a buzz in the building, as there usually was whenever there was a change in the air. Army life was exciting a quarter of the time and boring the other three-fourth. There was rigidity and uniformity to it that whenever something could break them out of it, the men and women got excited. Today was the same.
His superior, General Hollins, was the first face he saw in the group of new faces. Simply because his General stood out in his uniform while the others were wearing much more formal suits. Feds, Jay had deduced based on the outfits alone. He wanted to slap himself on his forehead for not seeing this sooner. Of course, they would call in the Feds to help out. He had sat in far too many meetings lately about needing the cooperation between the military and the FBI to be stronger and better. For the betterment of the country was the company's line that he had heard too many times in the last few weeks.
"General," Jay alerted them to his arrival and all the eyes fell on him. But his eyes were glued onto a familiar set of eyes instead. Hazel eyes that he knew too well, ones that were staring back at him in shock. Jay's jaw opened, ready to ask what Erin was doing in Bolivia before he was interrupted by his superior.
"This is Sergeant Halstead, soon to be Lieutenant," Hollins made the introduction, not forgetting to mention the promotion that they had talked about. Jay was still unsure how to feel about it. His time back in the military was temporary— 8 months, he had told Hailey— and a promotion was not in the plans during it. "His unit intercepted the shipment and discovered the girls in the containers. Sergeant Halstead, these are the federal agents that came to assist us on the case."
The group of FBI agents all gave him stiff nods and Jay surmised that it was as warm and friendly as they were going to get. He returned one of his own, his eyes still on Erin. She gave him a small, closed-mouth smile, barely visible to the eyes before adjusting the lapels on her blazer. He recognized the movement as a habit of hers, one that she always did whenever she was uncomfortable. It was probably his presence in front of her that did that.
"Sergeant Halstead, I'll let you take the lead in the debriefing," Hollins said and moved out of the way so Jay could address the group watching him with curious eyes.
He cleared his throat. "On January 25th, 2023 at 06:00 hours, my unit intercepted a shipment going out of the San Pedro Port here in Bolivia. We had intel that a shipment of cocaine was bound for Europe but when we opened the shipment containers to inspect the products inside, we discovered groups of girls, ages ranging from as young as 12 to 19, inside these shipment containers."
"The shipment was from the Lima Lobos?" A voice spoke up and Jay directed his attention to who it came from. He nodded. "The Lima Lobos are in the drug business, not human trafficking."
"I'm telling you what we found inside," Jay replied. "Our interpreter questioned the girls after their rescue and the common theme was that they were kidnapped from their homes and villages before being stuffed inside these containers."
"But…" the guy that was questioning Jay before spoke again before getting interrupted.
"Human trafficking rate in Bolivia had been on the rise in the past couple of years, actually," Erin spoke up as all eyes fell on her. "My team has been tracking the trend for the past years when we started finding rich people in the states holding the Bolivian women hostages and keeping them as servants."
"But the Lima Lobos have never shown an interest in human trafficking," the guy from earlier argued.
"Are you in disbelief that a drug cartel would sell humans?" Jay questioned.
"They're not upstanding citizens, no one's arguing that but a lot of them have a code," the guy returned. "For a lot of them, women and children are off-limits."
"Usually," Erin said. "But that was before Manuel Dorado took over the Lima Lobos. I think the increased violence and deaths in the time that he has taken over says that he doesn't operate with a code."
Jay nodded in agreement with Erin. She was right. There was an uptick in deaths, violence and carnage since Manuel forcefully took over the cartel. His unit had seen enough beheaded bodies to keep all the psychologists in the world occupied for the next decade. So Jay wasn't surprised that Manuel would take the next step to human trafficking. Whatever made him a quick profit and gave him more power was all Manuel cared about.
"Manuel Dorado is a dangerous criminal as we all know," Erin said to the group, indicating that she was obviously in charge of the small group of agents. "We've traced his cartel all over South America, not to mention Europe, United States and Asia. He's expanding his territory and his business. Bolivia has been on the rise as the leading distributor of cocaine in South America and this guy is at the forefront of it. Now that we have information that he's delving into human trafficking, he's becoming more dangerous than we know."
"My unit has been keeping track of him for the past 3 months but his territory is too vast to keep track of properly. He has also seemed to take over the cartel with complete ease so he has a lot of men following his orders. We've been looking for a weakness in his cartel, the way we can take the whole business down without losing too much blood," Jay explained.
Erin shook her head. "Loyalty is earned with the cartel, not given. Especially not demanded like Manuel has done. He took over the cartel during a time when the previous leader was arrested and they had no one at the helm."
"There were a lot of family members gunning for the head spot," Jay replied. "Manuel just got to it first."
"Exactly. Which means there are a lot of people waiting for him to fall so they could have the spot," Erin returned.
"That's the weak spot," Jay guessed. Erin nodded. "You want to start an all-out war within the cartel?"
"Better their own blood shed than anyone else's," Erin said, shrugging. "Agent Ramsey is right. These cartel men are not upstanding or law abiding citizens but most of them do operate with a code. A lot of them see women and children as off-limits, a sentiment that Manuel clearly does not share. If we could create a disturbance in the pecking order of the cartel, we could dismantle it."
"By having them kill each other for power?" Jay asked, his voice flat.
Erin shrugged again. "Why not?"
"So how do you propose we go about it, Agent Lindsay?" Jay asked, earning curious looks among the group at his usage of Erin's name. Since they hadn't done the introduction of each agent yet, it was obvious by how Jay already knew Erin's name that it wasn't their first meeting.
"I propose we get someone inside," Erin replied. "We get someone inside the cartel, work their way up the ranks, trying to create dissonance within the group until Manuel's followers start to doubt him. Then when they are at each other's throats, we jump in and dismantle the entire cartel."
"You make it sound so easy," Jay snarked, earning half a smile from Erin.
"Nothing ever is but it's possible. That's the only odds we need to go in."
Jay crossed his arms. "Undercover agent?" Erin nodded. Jay didn't like the look on her face. He knew that when Erin's face got all set like it was right now, it meant she had made up her mind and there was no changing it. That wouldn't be bad on its own except it also usually meant there was a plan that would put her in danger following it.
It had been years since he had spoken to Erin, the last conversation they had was brief and over the phone. But it didn't mean that he stopped caring for her. Their lives had just moved on in opposite directions. She settled in New York while his carried on in Chicago and with Hailey. It was a natural progression of two people breaking up and one moving states away.
Again, it didn't mean that he was okay with Erin putting herself undercover in one of the most dangerous cartels in the world, working with one of the most dangerous men Jay had ever known.
"Who would be the undercover agent?" Jay questioned, even though he knew Erin and he already knew the answer.
"Me." A different voice spoke up and Jay's attention shifted to a hispanic man standing on the opposite side of the room. "I'm the one that's going undercover."
Jay looked back at Erin, waiting for her to protest but she was silent, like she was in agreement. So maybe Jay no longer knew Erin as much as he thought he did.
"Agent Gomez is one of the agency's best undercover and he has contacts in Bolivia that can get him inside the cartel. He's the perfect choice," Erin said, vouching for her agent. "He can get inside and does what needs to be done. I'm confident in that."
Jay didn't argue. He didn't know Agent Gomez but all he knew was that it wouldn't be Erin going undercover and he was fine with that enough.
As long as Erin wasn't deliberately putting herself in danger, it was all fine.
The meeting wrapped up nearly an hour later, both the military and the FBI working together to concoct a plan of action. Jay was surprised by how smoothly both teams work together, especially since he knew it was out of the norms. Feds and the soldiers didn't like one another, they especially didn't like to agree with one another.
But they had come up with a plan of action tot take down the Lima Lobos or to weaken it enough to take down Manuel Dorado before his efforts in human trafficking became too large to stop. Everyone began gathering their items and headed out the door, Jay purposely lingering. He saw Erin slowly cleaning up her personal items and he smiled, knowing she was doing the same.
Only when everyone had left and it was just the two of them alone in the conference room that they both locked eyes and smiled at each other.
"Should we hug?" Erin spoke first, breaking the silence. Jay nodded and stepped closer to Erin and pulled her into his arms. Her arms came around his back and patted the vast area a few times. It was a hug of familiarity, of 'it's been so long we've done this'.
"How are you?" Erin asked, her raspy voice still sounding the same as it reverberated against his chest. "What are you doing here even?"
They broke the hug and just took each other in, scrutinizing 6 years worth of changes and differences since the last time they saw each other. Erin looked the same for the most part. Her hair was a bit darker, kept longer, but everything else looked the same as the last time he saw her. Still beautiful.
"What are you doing here, Jay?" Erin asked again, breaking his study. "Hank didn't tell me about you re-enlisting."
He rubbed the back of his neck and gave her a sheepish look. "It's a long story."
She gave him an unimpressed look at his vague reply. "I'm here for the foreseeable future. I have time."
Jay chuckled. "Have you had breakfast yet?" Erin shook her head. "Are you still skipping breakfast? Because I know this place that has the best empanadas and coffee that's not too far from the base. My story's better on a full stomach."
Erin tapped his shoulder. "You had me at coffee. Lead the way."
That was how they found themselves tucked away in the corner of a small shop. The smell of home cooking wafted in the air, making the atmosphere cozy and comforting instead of cramp. The breakfast rush was over so the cafe wasn't crowded, giving them privacy.
Erin finished off her first cup of coffee in seconds before getting a refill. Jay just smiled. A lot had changed for both him and Erin but her love of coffee was still a constant. It was oddly comforting for him.
"I don't know why Bolivian coffee isn't as famous as Colombian," Erin mumbled, chewing on a breakfast empanada. "It deserves more spotlight. Starbucks is missing out."
"Yeah but Starbucks will just commercialize it until it loses all of its unique traits. Can you imagine? This awesome coffee with a shot of pumpkin spice sweetener?" Jay asked, cringing at the thought.
Erin laughed. "I can't believe no one has told you yet that hating on pumpkin spice isn't a personality trait," she teased. "Have you even tried one yet?"
He shook his head. He'd rather drink a cup full of fat than to deliberately order pumpkin spice anything. "No one hates me enough to make me drink it."
"Yet," Erin quipped, raising her eyebrows.
"Yet," he repeated, caving. "Although Ruzek brought in a pumpkin spice creamer to the break room one year. I, of course, tossed it out when no one was there."
"That's called theft, Jay," Erin explained. "You stole from your co-worker."
"Ruzek deserved it," was his succinct reply. Erin just shook her head, a small smile on her face.
"Enough about Ruzek and pumpkin spice. You promised me the story of how you ended up in Bolivia."
Jay set his coffee cup down, knowing he couldn't avoid it longer. "I re-enlisted."
Erin just looked at him flatly. "No! Really? Here I thought, Intelligence had gone international now!" she added sarcastically. She bit her lips when noticing the look on his face. "What happened?"
"I just needed out, you know," Jay said with a small shrug. "Chicago…the job….it got to be too much."
Erin gave him a look of understanding and nodded. "Yeah, I know."
Jay knew that Erin would understand. After all, she had been in the same place when she left. He guessed it was the bad side of Chicago. No matter how beautiful the city was, there would be a time when everything would just get too toxic. Too suffocating.
"Was it a bad case?" Erin asked, her voice gentle.
Jay thought his answer over. "A few bad cases," was his honest reply. It wasn'r just the one case that had him going over the edge. It wasn't just seeing Lenny get shot and finding out about the veteran's involvement in the robbery. It wasn't just the fight after and the stabbing that pushed Jay over. It was a buildup—months, maybe years— in the making. The shooting that almost took his life, Ray's death and the subsequent cover-up, the rushed marriage, Angela's death. It was everything that had gone wrong in his life the past few years, everything that he thought he could push down and ignore until it couldn't anymore.
Erin listened as he told her about Lenny and what happened afterwards. Of Jay not wanting another cover-up, for Voight to bail them out again. Of him resigning and taking the job here.
"I got the job offer a few weeks before I left," Jay continued explaining. "At first, I didn't even consider it. I mean, Chicago was my home. All I knew was there. Will, my job.."
"Your wife," Erin interjected, her head gesturing to the ring he was still wearing. Jay's eyes followed hers to the black circle on his ring finger, him feeling the weight of it again.
"My wife." He looked at Erin's face, studying her reaction. It was blank, like she was just waiting for him to continue his story. "Anyway," he continued after clearing his throat."Then things got to be too much, I felt the walls closing in on me more and more each day. The rubberband holding my sanity together getting tighter and tighter until it just snapped." He pinched the bridge of nose, relieving the last case. "Then the job offer just felt like a lifeline given to me, one that I needed to take."
Erin looked at him sympathetically and Jay was grateful that there wasn't an ounce of pity on her face, just understanding. Like she had been there and knew exactly how he had felt.
"Was it like that when you left?" Jay asked. He had been hurt by Erin's abrupt departure from the unit and her taking the FBI job that he never really understood why she had done it. All he could felt at the time was abandoned and heartbroken. But now…now he understood.
Erin nodded. "Like it was so hard to leave everything you know behind but it felt impossible to not go at the same time?" She understood. "Yeah, it was like that."
"I'm sorry," Jay apologized, Erin looking at him in confusion. "I didn't get it back then but now I do."
Erin didn't say anything, just the look of sympathy remained on her face. They sat in silence for a few more beats until Erin spoke again. "Anyway, no more sad talk. Onto happier subjects. You got married?"
Jay's hands went into fists at the mention of his marriage, the ring feeling heavier on his hand again. "Yeah, a few months ago." It only hit him that it hadn't even been a year that he and Hailey had gotten married and he had managed to screw it up so quickly.
"Do I know her?" Erin asked.
Jay bit his lips, feeling awkward. Even though he knew there was nothing wrong with him falling in love with and marrying Hailey, he still felt like it was a betrayal to Erin of some sort. But her face was looking at him eagerly, waiting for his answer.
"Yeah, actually. It's…Hailey."
Erin seemed surprised by his answer but he didn't see anger or betrayal that he was afraid of seeing. "Hailey, wow."
"Are you mad?"
Erin frowned. "Why would I be mad?"
"Because you know we were in the same unit. You worked with her. She's my partner. But I swear nothing even happened between me and Hailey until years after you were gone."
Erin held her hand up to stop his rambling. "Jay, it's okay. I don't need an explanation. The only reason why I'd be mad is if you cheated on me and I know you'd never do that." She tilted her head to the side. "I left. You were free to move on, with whoever you wanted."
Jay exhaled softly, not knowing what to say next. "I…"
"I like Hailey," Erin continued, saving him from having to come up with words he didn't have. "I didn't get a chance to get to know her really well but I know enough to know she's solid and strong. I'm glad you guys found each other."
Jay nodded again. Hailey was great. That was why he knew she deserved better.
"How did she take the news of you re-enlisting? You said you've been married less than a year? I can't imagine her being too happy with her newlywed husband living in another country."
Jay felt the guilt bubbling up in his chest again at how he left things with his wife. He had left Hailey in the dark about the job offer, how him seriously considering the offer and how he just basically dropped a bomb on her of him resigning from the unit and him leaving the country all in the same day. They've talked over the phone and on facetime many times since, both of them desperately trying to make the marriage work. Both of them ignoring the big elephant in the room of how Jay just up and left her. It was getting harder and harder to ignore with each phone call. He felt Hailey pulling back more and more with each facetime. Jay couldn't even blame her because he felt he was doing the same.
"She's taking it as well as she could," Jay replied. "I kinda dropped a bomb on her at the last minute."
Erin's eyes widened in surprise. "You didn't?" Jay just looked down at the table. "Oh Jay." She sighed. "You know when I left, that was my biggest regret. Not taking the time to say a proper goodbye to you and to everyone. I was running and it just felt like I needed to get out of town that minute or I'd die by asphyxiation. You deserved a proper goodbye."
"So does Hailey," Jay sighed. "I know. I've been killing myself over it."
"Are things okay with you two?" Erin asked, genuine concern in her voice.
Jay wasn't sure how to answer that so he just replied with a small nod. "We've been talking over the phone but you know with the time difference and our jobs, it's been…it hasn't been easy."
"Long distance relationships never are," Erin said.
Jay narrowed his eyes at her words. "Sounds like you're speaking from experience," he replied.
Erin just chuckled. "More experience than I ever needed."
"Let's get off the subject of my troubled life for a second and let's talk about you," Jay suggested, turning the table on Erin. "What about you?"
"What about me?'
Jay just quirked his eyebrows. "Are you married? Single? Decided to be celibate for eternity?"
"Okay, stop there," Erin said, holding up her finger to stop him. "First of all, I love sex too much to ever be celibate for life."
"So married, then?"
"I was married but not anymore," Erin revealed.
"Wow, you were married?" Jay exhaled, surprised.
"Why do you sound so surprised?" Erin asked, her eyes narrowing at his shock. "Is it that hard to believe that someone would want to marry me?" she asked with a teasing grin.
"No," Jay shook his head quickly. The hard to believe part wasn't someone wanting to marry Erin. Afterall, he wanted to marry her at one point and ran around town trying to propose to her. The hard to believe part was Erin actually wanting to get married in the first place. He tried to think of Erin as someone's wife and couldn't. All of his images of her as a wife had him standing next to her in the role of the husband.
"Then why do you look so shocked?"
"I just….I just can't believe you said yes to someone." He licked his lips. "He must've been someone really special."
"Must've been."
"Let me guess. He was your partner and you guys worked together. All the late nights and traveling for your job had you getting closer."
Erin laughed. "Give me a break. I'm not that much of a cliche to fall in love with my partner….again," Erin added.
Jay laughed. "Right, I guess I'm the cliche here."
"It does seem to be a pattern for you. You do realize that there are women outside of the unit that you could've dated?" Erin teased. Jay tossed his head back and laughed, knowing Erin didn't mean anything by it. It wasn't like she was wrong about it either. He did have a tendency to fall in love with women he worked with.
"Fair enough," Jay replied. "So it wasn't your partner that got you walking down the aisle. So who was it? Who swept you off your feet so much that you would put on a white gown and walked down the aisle? A firefighter? I remember you have a fancy towards firefighters," Jay added, smirking.
Erin rolled her eyes. "You will never let me live my short relationship with Severide down, would you?" They both chuckled. "No, he wasn't a public servant. Had enough of those to last me a lifetime."
"I feel like there's an insult in there directed at me a bit," Jay retorted.
"Take it however you want, Halstead," Erin shot back. "My ex-husband was actually a Wall Street guy, believe it or not."
Jay closed his eyes, trying to imagine Erin with the image of a Wall Street guy he had in his mind. "Nah, I can't believe it. You went for a guy in a suit?"
Erin held her hand up. "In my defense, he filled out those suits very nicely."
"Sure, it's all about the body for you. I knew you only got with me for my body back then."
"Considering you are so annoying, something had to get me interested," Erin shot back, without missing a beat. Jay had missed this. He had missed this easy back and forth that was always there with Erin. How she could always give it back as good as she got. It was a dynamic that always existed between them, long preceding their romantic relationship.
"Okay," he breathed, his laughter wading away. "So tell me more about Mr. Wall Street. What happened between you two? How did you meet?"
"Oh where everyone meets these days. At a sex club." Jay just cocked his brows at her sarcastic answer. "We met while I was still with the Counter-terroism unit and went in for a quick debriefing at this company that I can't mention for confidential reasons. And I got stuck in an elevator, with him."
"No. You're shitting me."
"I am not!"
"So you got stuck in an elevator with him and fell in love?" Erin confirmed with a nod. "Now who's the cliche? It sounds like a Hallmark movie."
"Please," Erin rolled her eyes. "Cam is so much hotter than anyone on Hallmark."
"Cam? That's his name?" Jay asked, hearing the fondness in Erin's voice when she said her ex-husband's name. It was strange to hear her refer to her ex-husband in that way. Weren't all divorced couples at each other's throat, weren't they supposed to trash talk each other behind each other's backs?
"Yeah, Cameron but I just call him Cam."
"Sounds like you're still on friendly terms with him," Jay ventured.
"Why wouldn't we be?"
"Most people who go through a divorce usually hate each other."
Erin chuckled. "Most but not always. No, me and Cam don't hate each other. We got divorced for many reasons but hate and resentment aren't one of them."
"So why did you guys get divorced?"
"We met under pretty intense circumstances. I had just finished up a mission and had some downtime before my next. We got stuck in this elevator for hours and had nothing to do but talk. It just felt like it was meant to be. We just clicked and fell into a relationship so fast. We were inseparable for the next three months and our relationship just moved so quickly. It was intense. He was this straight-laced finance guy who was looking for something exciting, something out of the norm and I had come off this dangerous case alive and was looking for something stable. We just made sense at the time."
"So you got married right away?"
"We went down to the courthouse, riding on fumes. We wanted to get married before I had to leave for my next assignment. Looking back, it was crazy but it just made sense at the time. It felt right."
It seemed like it wasn't only he and Hailey that rushed into marriage, although Erin's reasons were far more romantic and involved less avoiding prison time than his.
"Then what happened? You guys woke up and realized it was a mistake?"
"Not right away. I went on my assignment and he went back to his job. It was a long distance for the next few months, which isn't what newlyweds need to build a life together. We both tried. We were in love and knew we wanted to make the marriage work but if wishes were horses, right?"
Jay just nodded in understanding. Wishing for something and real life were vastly different.
"How long did your marriage last?" Jay asked.
"Almost three years," Erin replied. "LIke I said, we both wanted to make it work so badly. It did for a while. Whenever I finished up a case and was in New York, we worked. But then I'd get called away again and it was the cycle repeating over and over again. Pretty soon, the time we had together wasn't enough anymore. We were just like two ships passing by each other at night. He deserved a full-time wife and I couldn't give that to him."
"He wasn't mad or resentful?"
Erin shook her head. "No, not Cam. He's too reasonable for that. He's…amazing."
Jay noticed how she gushed over her ex-husband. "Sounds like you still have feelings for him."
Erin met his inquiring eyes. "I love him." Jay wasn't expecting that very honest answer. "We didn't get divorced because we hated each other or we betrayed one another. We just grew apart and realized that we rushed into things. We let passion take over, wanting to be different from our usual selves and when it died down, we were left with the fact that we make better friends than husband and wife. So yeah, I love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. He's still my best friend, actually. We talk almost everyday."
Jay almost felt jealous of the relationship she had with her ex-husband. It sounded all too…healthy. He chuckled inwardly. Was his marriage so unhealthy that he was envious of a divorce?
It was easy to get back into the saddle of working with Erin. Almost like they had never stopped being partners. It was almost scary to know that they could still read each other's minds and knew what the other one was thinking. It was a connection that time and distance couldn't sever.
But the dynamic of their working relationship had changed in certain ways. Jay preferred to stay back and let Erin take charge and the spotlight, allowing him to admire her as she took command of the assignment. She had grown professionally since she left Intelligence, that much was obvious in the way she led the small group they formed— a mixture of the military and the agents— to take down Manuel Dorado and the Lima Lobos, and how the team respected her authority.
"Sergeant Halstead will lead the raid at the port since his unit knows the lay of the land better," Erin told the group, her eyes catching Jay's. He returned a nod, thanking her silently. Even though Erin took charge of the group, she remained respectful of Jay's position as the leader of his unit. She always deferred assignments that she knew would fall under his jurisdiction without an argument. There was no power struggle. It was clear cut what their assignment was, what they needed to do.
It was easy.
It was black and white.
He needed that.
"Hey," Hailey's face came over the screen and Jay pasted on a smile. He was happy to see her. He missed her.
"Hey yourself," she replied, giving him a small smile in return. "How are you?"
"Fine. you?"
"Fine."
The conversation stalled, awkwardness taking over. How was it that they had turned into this? They were married yet they couldn't find a topic to talk about?
"How are things over there?" Hailey asked, a glass of wine in her hand.
"Okay," was Jay's reply. Things weren't good. Things weren't ever good when he was entrenched in a war on drugs. "You?"
"Okay."
"Good."
More awkward minutes passed by and both remained quiet. There were things they could and should talk about. Jay probably should disclose to Hailey that Erin was here. It wasn't as though he was going to have a full blown affair with his ex-girlfriend and almost fiance but just as a head's up. But he didn't. They should also probably talk about the state of their marriage. But with the way he left and how quickly he left, that topic would be like navigating a mines' field.
"Christmas was nice," Hailey finally spoke up.
"Oh, yeah?" Jay had missed the holiday season, probably one of the more favorable aspects of him leaving Chicago. He hadn't been in the mood for celebrating any holidays for the past few years. And he and Hailey in their place without any decorations or yuletide spirits while watching the world celebrating around them just sounded so depressing. "What did you do?"
"Kim invited me over to her and Ruzek's place. It was nice."
Jay quirked his eyebrow. Kim and Hailey were never great friends. They respected each other but they certainly wouldn't be calling each other besties or girlfriends anytime soon. Jay guessed Hailey's history with Ruzek played a role in that. But now it seemed as though Kim had stepped up in Jay's absence, trying to distract Hailey from the fact that her husband abandoned her out of the blue.
Jay still felt a lot of guilt about it. He knew it was fucked up the way he just up and left her. Took the job thousands of miles away for months on end without so much of a discussion with his wife. He still remembered the hurt and rage when Erin took the FBI job without telling him, only that she was leaving for New York. Now he had done the same thing. Hypocrite, he chided himself. He was a hypocrite.
"How's Mikayla?" Jay asked.
"She's good. Getting adjusted to the new house and probably Ruzek's messy habits."
Jay cracked a small smile, knowing it was what Hailey was looking for with her attempt at a joke. But they both knew it wasn't that funny. Nothing about this was funny.
Unable to bear the stilted conversation for longer, Jay stammered and made up an excuse of his time running out. A flash of relief appeared on Hailey's face before she quickly masked it with a soft smile.
"I'll talk to you later, okay?" Jay promised.
"Okay. I love you."
"I love you too," Jay returned, the words feeling more like an automatic response than anything else.
"What's with you?" Erin asked him when he joined her at the main office. He rubbed his face and ran his fingers through his hair so many times that he was sure it was sticking up. But the fact that his marriage was in trouble took more priority than the state of his appearance.
He just shook his head at Erin, knowing this was something he couldn't talk about with her.
"Nothing."
Erin shrugged, letting him off the hook. "Gomez made progress with his contact. He'll be introduced to the head of the local pack tonight."
"It'll be a long time before he works his way up to Manuel," Jay pointed out. Gomez would be starting out at the very bottom and who knew how long it would take before he actually could move up the cartel.
"I was thinking the same thing," Erin agreed. "That's why we'll be helping him progress faster."
Jay narrowed his eyes at Erin sounding like she had a plan. "How do you plan on doing that?"
Erin just smirked.
Jay tugged off his uniform jacket and threw the offending material to the floor in anger. He was heated. Pissed off. It was reflected in the wild look in his eyes. He paced back and forth in his office, his fury raging.
Erin didn't bother knocking and made her way in. "Jay."
"I need a minute!" Jay barked, holding up his finger. He paced some more, trying to dispel some of the anger he was feeling before he talked to Erin.
Erin just kept quiet and sat down on a chair by the door, not leaving. He rubbed his face a few more times, feeling his skin getting raw. He huffed and puffed a few times, each time he did making him feel more like a petulant child than anything.
"You done?" Erin asked after giving him a few more minutes. Jay just rounded his desk and plopped down on his chair, covering his face. He heard Erin get up and approach him.
"I'm pissed," Jay stated.
"No shit," Erin snorted, sitting on his desk. "Get over it, Halstead." Jay took his hands off his face to glare at Erin. She just shot him an unimpressed look right back. "What? You think I was gonna baby you?"
"A few words of comfort wouldn't hurt," Jay mumbled under his breath. Erin snorted again, clearly hearing him. "We shouldn't have done it."
"It was necessary," Erin replied.
Jay looked up at Erin again. "Really? It was necessary for us to give up the raid, give up the chance to seize that many drugs— drugs that making their way to Asia as we speak, by the way— just so Gomez could move up a few steps in the ladder?"
"Yes."
"I don't agree," Jay huffed, unable to keep his calm like Erin was doing. He knew that Erin didn't like being questioned or doubted, the annoyance was written on her face. Her unhappiness towards Jay's reaction at the execution of their plan. He knew she was giving him a huge leeway to reign in his frustration. "We could've seized all that shipment. Stopped those drugs from making it out of the seaport."
"Yeah, we could've won the battle tonight Jay. But it would get us nowhere closer to winning the war," Erin argued, standing up to face him properly. "It would get us nowhere closer to taking down Manuel Dorado, which is the main priority here."
"So letting Gomez take the credit for the seize failing would get us closer to Dorado?"
"Yes!" Erin stated. "Now the cartel knows Gomez can be trusted, and knows that he is a valuable asset to them despite his low rank. That's what we were after when we came up with the plan to stage and botch the seize the raid tonight."
Jay grunted.
"A plan that we all agreed to, I might add. Including you," Erin added, pointing out that Jay had been part of the whole process.
Jay grunted again, unable to refute the fact. He was there, standing right alongside Erin and Hollins as they came up with the plan to help Gomez make faster progress up the cartel.
"Doesn't mean I have to be happy about it," Jay replied, feeling more like a bratty baby.
Erin let out a dry chuckle. "Next time, we'll make sure to factor your happiness when we come up with a plan," she said sarcastically.
Jay just looked at her. She clearly wasn't going to baby him or deal with his tantrum, which oddly enough he appreciated. He cracked a small smile at her sarcastic words, starting to feel his anger and frustration ebb away.
"Now if you're done pouting, I'm gonna get lunch. You're welcome to come."
Jay released a deep breath, letting the last remnants of his anger go. "Fine but you're buying."
Erin just rolled her eyes as she led them out of his office.
"So what's with you?" Erin asked after she finished off the last of her saltena that she had bought them for lunch. They had been eating in silence on a bench by the water, the small breeze working wonders to calm Jay down. The wind and the delicious food.
"What do you mean?" Jay asked after he returned from throwing his and Erin's paper plates away inside the nearby trash can. He wiped his hands with a napkin and took the offered water bottle from Erin and took a few big gulps.
He gave the bottle back to Erin and watched as she screwed the lid back on. "I'm saying your little hissy fit back in the office."
"That was not a hissy fit," Jay argued.
"I've been dealing with hissy fits for the past six years and that would qualify as one," Erin returned. "What's up? You've been unhappy with plans of operations before but never with the ones that you helped come up with."
Jay sighed, his eyes on the water. "I'm not sure if it's worth it."
"What?"
"Letting that shipment go just so we can help Gomez," Jay replied. "I know I was there when the plan happened and I played a part in making sure everything went off without a hitch. I just don't know."
"It's worth it, Jay," Erin reassured him, zero doubt in her voice. Jay looked at Erin and seeing her so self-assured. He felt jealous.
"You know that when those drugs make it to Asia, people are gonna be hurt," Jay asked. They had no idea just how much damage the drugs could do. Someone could overdose, someone could get arrested for buying the drugs, someone could die. All those that could've been prevented if they had just went ahead with the raid as usual instead of staging a botched raid so Gomez could swoop in like a hero to the cartel and impress Manuel.
Erin sighed. "Do I wish we could've seized those drugs and help Gomez move up the ranks at the same time? Of course but we had to make a choice. We chose to lose the small battle to win the war, Jay."
"Doesn't seem like such a small battle," Jay returned. "It feels like…" Jay trailed off, thinking.
To him, it felt like they were crossing into that territory again. He was crossing into that gray zone again. He needed black and white. Good and bad. They were the good guys and the cartel was the bad. But now that Jay played a role in those drugs getting away, he didn't feel so firmly planted on the right side.
"Sometimes we do what's necessary to take down the bad guy, Jay," Erin said, breaking his thoughts.
"What's necessary? Even though us doing whatever's necessary could get people hurt?" Jay shot back.
"It isn't so black and white."
"Why not?!" Jay interjected, his voice getting louder. "Why can't it be just that? Black and white? Good and bad. Right and wrong?"
Erin looked surprised by his outburst for a quick second before understanding dawned on her face. "That's why you left."
Jay deflated quickly at her words.
"Remember when Mouse wanted to re-enlist?" Jay asked, seeing Erin nod. "I tried everything to make sure that he couldn't. But he told me that he needed it. Needed the simplicity of knowing who's the bad guy and who's the good guy. Knows the line between right and wrong."
"Yeah, I remember," Erin answered. "You still didn't want him to go."
"I didn't get it at the time," Jay told her honestly. "All I could think about was the danger, the hole that he went into the last time he came home. For the life of me, I didn't understand why the hell he would put himself back through it again."
"And now?" Erin prodded gently.
Jay sighed. "Now I understand him more than I ever understood anyone. That was why I re-enlisted. Things got too confusing back home. Too many blurred lines and gray areas. I didn't know if I was the bad guy or the good guy anymore."
Erin shuffled a bit closer to him but her hands remained on her laps, not touching him. But for some reason, just her close presence was enough. It was comforting.
"I hate to break it to you Jay but there's never gonna be a completely black and white situation," Erin said.
"Wow, you're really not good at this comforting thing," Jay said.
"I'd rather be honest," Erin replied. "What you're looking for doesn't exist, not in our field of work anyway. You want black and white? Go into teaching. We don't get that privilege, not when so many lives depend on us to keep them safe."
"What we did today didn't keep people safe," Jay bit out. "Who knows where those drugs are going to go?"
"That's the thing we have to live with," Erin answered. "We have to go to bed each and every night able to live with the fact that we've made the right decisions. I know that we made the right decision regarding the raid. We had to let that shipment get away so we can take down Manuel. So maybe there won't be any more shipments."
Jay pursed his mouth and crossed his arms, looking back at the water. After a few minutes of silence, he spoke, "I just thought it'd be easier. That I can come here and everything would be right."
"If only it was that easy."
Jay had thought so. Naively, he had thought that by leading this unit, things would get easier for him. That the discernable line between right and wrong would be more clear, more pronounced. He wouldn't cross into the gray areas again. Today proved it wouldn't be the case.
So what the hell did he come to Bolivia for?
"Torres made a big arrest today, impressed Voight," Hailey relayed to him over the computer.
"Good. I knew he had potential," Jay replied, feeling oddly proud of the rookie member that he helped mentor.
"He credited you with teaching him how to knock a guy out quick." Jay just chuckled. "So how are things on your end?"
"Fine," Jay shrugged, not really wanting to get into it. Hailey looked unhappy with his answer. "You know I can't really talk about things here."
"I'm not asking you for every single details of the case Jay, I just want…" Hailey spat before she stopped herself. "I just…"
"I know, I'm sorry," Jay apologized. "I'm doing okay. Just had a rough day today."
"What happened?"
"We had to let a shipment go on purpose," Jay said, trying to keep things vague. Hailey frowned.
"Why?"
"So we can catch a bigger fish."
Hailey pursed her lips. "Doesn't seem very black and white," she muttered. Jay heard the almost mockery in her words and tone of voice. Hailey had been through a lot the past couple of years. What happened with Roy changed her and it changed how she viewed and approached cases. She and Voight fought more than usual, Jay often in the middle.
It had gotten too tiring to be in the middle of his wife and his boss.
"I'm sorry," Hailey offered. "It's just…when you left you told me that you needed definite lines. It just doesn't seem like what you're doing now, that's all."
Jay nodded. "I know. Turns out it's not so easy, no matter where you are." He thought back to what Erin said earlier, about them not having the privilege of knowing black and white, right vs wrong. Maybe he had been dealing with everything the wrong way.
Maybe it wasn't about drawing clear untraversable lines but about knowing that gray areas exist and learning to live with them. To be able to go to sleep knowing and accepting that he had done everything he could to keep people safe.
"Are you finding what you're looking for, at least?"
As if on cue as soon as Hailey asked the question, Erin came into the common area where they were permitted to make calls to home. Erin didn't notice Jay a few feet away with Hailey's face on the computer, too engrossed in her own phone.
But Hailey definitely noticed as her face turned sour. "Is that Erin?"
"Yeah," Jay breathed out. "She's here assisting us on a case."
Hailey's nostrils flared. "So you never thought to mention to me that your ex-girlfriend is in Bolivia with you?"
"I…"
"What? You what, Jay? Is it another thing you felt like you didn't need to tell me, like you leaving for another country?" She was pissed and Jay knew she had every reason to be. Her voice was also getting louder, loud enough to get Erin's attention.
"Oh." He heard Erin's soft voice. "Hang on, Cam." Erin came closer to Jay, unsure. "Hi, Hailey," Erin offered.
"Hi, Erin," Hailey returned, sounding unhappy but polite.
"My unit is here temporarily to help," Erin tried to explain, sensing the tension between them.
"So I've heard," Hailey replied, her voice cold.
Erin heard the iciness in his wife's voice but she kept her composure. Jay grimaced inside, feeling apologetic. It wasn't Erin's fault that his marriage was going through a rocky patch. It was his.
"It was nice to see you again, Hailey," Erin replied as politely as she could before she left to return to her phone call with her ex-husband. She probably sensed that a fight was brewing between them and Erin left the room.
"She's there," Hailey spat.
"I didn't plan it!" Jay immediately went on the defense.
"Are you serious right now Jay? I'm sitting thousands of miles away from you while you're in another country with your ex-girlfriend, the one you almost married, the one it took you years to get over and move on!"
"Erin's here to do her job, as I am, Hailey."
"Then why didn't you tell me Jay?"
Jay licked his lips. He knew he should've told Hailey but he also knew why he didn't tell her. He didn't want another argument, another rock thrown into their already rocky marriage. He wasn't a cheater so he knew he wasn't going to cheat. Erin didn't even see him as anything more than a friend anymore either. So in his mind, telling Hailey would just cause more trouble.
"I….I'm sorry. I just…we were already going through….I thought telling you about Erin," Jay stammered, trying to find the words to explain that wouldn't hurt Hailey.
"Not telling me just makes me feel like there's something going on."
"I swear to you, there's nothing going on. We're strictly professional."
Hailey sighed. "I know how you felt about her, Jay. I was there, remember?" she scoffed. "I know how hard it was for you to get over her and move on. I remember thinking you'd never really move on properly."
"I did. I married you."
An even sadder look crossed Hailey's face. "It's not like our reason to get married was entirely romantic," Hailey stated, finally addressing the elephant in the room.
Jay sucked in his breath. He loved Hailey, that was a face he didn't doubt. But he also couldn't deny the fact that he and Hailey got married super fast after getting together. He wondered sometimes if she hadn't been there that night that Roy died, if she hadn't been so shaken up by what happened, would she have proposed to him?
Or would he have proposed to her that quickly? Would they have taken more time to work on their relationship, getting to know each other as boyfriend-girlfriend vs just partners and friends before rushing into marriage. The fact that things had quickly turned rocky in their marriage was staring them right in the face that maybe they did rush in. They were both looking for something good in all that bad that they held onto getting married like a lifeline, as if it was some sort of 'I-told-you-so' to Voight.
"I don't regret marrying you," Jay whispered.
"I don't either but I just wish it was…"
"Easier?"
Hailey nodded. "I never had a good example of what a marriage should be like. I just know that things should be easier than they are."
Jay agreed. "Maybe…" Maybe things would be easier when he returned home in a few months. Maybe things would be easier if they weren't who they were, if they didn't do what they did. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
"I got to go," Hailey said. "I just….I have to go."
"Okay," Jay replied, letting her go. "I…"
"I know," Hailey quickly interrupted. "Me too," she said before hanging up and the screen turned black, as if neither of them could bear to hear or say the words 'I love you'. As if those words just weren't enough anymore.