Chapter 5 - It's WAR!
A newsreel plays showing mini-scenes of war.
Announcer - It' WAR! Are you fed up being pushed around by Tediz? Want to do something that will go down in history? Sign up for the army and go kick some Tediz ass! You will learn how to control state-of-the-art technology and hand-to-hand combat, as well as hwo to handle a firearm. What are you waiting? Join NOW!
Conker comes too have that bumpy ride with Mr. Barrel. He notices that he's back in Windy, and a particular door that was locked before is now wide-open. He goes in to find himself on a mini-beach.
Sarge - Ok soldiers! It's tim....Oh, there's only 1 of yas...Ok, it's your duty as a brave young squirrel to show the Tediz what we are made of by fighting in this war. But, one of our bombers have crashed right in the gateway to the ocean, the only way our ships can join the squirrels who are fighting as we speak. We need you to clear the way so we can help out the recruits. You're dismissed!
Sarge walks away...singing a song...
Sarge - I don't know what I've been told....ladadadaladada
Conker walks up to a restroom and knocks on the door. A guys carrying a pack of dynamite on his back.
Dynamite Guy - Uh, what do you want?
Conker - Uhm, you have some dynamite, and I need to clear the bomber so some guys can help out other guys kill some bad guys...
Guy - Yup, that's me, I have dynamite...but do you mind pushing me? My legs is tired from all dat crappin' I been doin'
Conker - *sigh*
Well, Conker pushes 2 dynamite guys to each side of the bomber and then takes a swim in the water.
Eel - What the hell are you doin' in my water boy?
Conker - Uh, it seems to be that there are some power sources that need to be revived in order for this base to function again....
Eel - No need to use fancy-arsed vocabulary on me boy, I'll help you out, only if you beat me at Po-
Conker - HOLD UP!
C:.....*sigh*....what now?
Conker - Not another pokemon game! I've had enough of that for one day...
C: Well what do you suggest?
Conker - Anything that doesn't end in -mon
C: As you wish....
Conker - That was too easy.....
Eel - I'll help you out, only if you play Tea Party with me.
Conker - What?!? Ok...whatever....
Conker dresses up like a little doll.
Eel - Would you like some more pink tea? Mr. Conkie?
Conker - Uh...what's in this pink tea?
Eel - It tastes real bad, but is suppose to drive an indiviual's sex-urges by %200....
"Really? Can I have the recipe for this pink tea?"
"You can get it at a bar, it's called 'Tequila', that's how I got mine, and it doesn't taste as bad as people say it does..."
"You had some? How are you feeling?"
"Quite horny, care for a fuck?"
"Oh god...."
Conker starts swimming away, but the eel continues to follow. Conker leads him through the 3 rings and the base is officialy on-line. 2 of the lights explode due to high amounts of electricity, and the sparks light up the fuse attached at the Dynamite Guys back.
*BOOM*
The way is cleared and the Sarge appears to congratulate Conker.
Sarge - Good work trooper, now our boys can go out to sea, I expect to see you on the boat in 5 minutes.
Conker - Hey, I never said anything about fighting in any war, I just did it cause the author wrote it in.
Sarge - Well, I understand your reasons, and--*Smack*
Conker is knock out cold by the Sarge.
When Conker wakes up, he sees that he's on a boat out at sea.
Conker - Hey fellas, any idea where we're heading?
-silence, one guy vomits due to "seasickness"-
Conker arrives at the Tediz island, only to be greeted by a hail of machine gun fire. Conekr ducks into a drench just in time, there is a squirrel right beside him.
Conker - Hey buddy, How do I get out of here?! I'm not even suppose to be here.
The squirrel looks at Conker, then let's out a wild scream, then charges out of the drench and into the Tediz base. Conker hesitantly follows. On his way, he bumps into a Tedi.
Tedi (In raspy voice) - Mother%&!@
Conker - Uh, nice to meet you too....do you know how to get me out of here?
The Tedi rasies his gun at Conker...
Conker - What are you doing?! I didn't do anything to you, oh shit!
Just before the trigger is pulled, the Tedi's head gets shot off. A figure approaches Conker.
Conker - Uh, hey, thanks dude.
The figure in the shadows tosses 2 CMP150's at Conker.
Rodent - You can call me Rodent.
Before Conker can say another word, a barrage of bullets forces Rodent and Conker to run for cover. Will miracles never cease? Only you and Rodent made the run.
Once inside the Tediz fortress, Conker and Rodent met up with the undercover squirrels (dressed up as Tediz), MeatSim1, MeatSim2, KazeSim1, KazeSim2, and DarkSim.
MeatSim1 - What are we gonna do man? We're gonna be blown to bits when we go through this door, you dig?
KazeSim1 - I say we just charge in there
DarkSim - Well Conker, what do you suggest?
Conker - Here's the gameplay, MeatSim1 and MeatSim2 will charge in 10 yards square in. KazeSim1, you do the fly. KazeSim2 go to the left and do the twinkie. DarkSim, you go 5 yards out and hook. Rodent...you go 5 yards square out. I'll do the slant.
They did their game plan, the room was cleared, but some people didn't make it. A message text box was in the bottom left corner of Conker's vision.
"Killed TediSim1"
"Killed TediSim7"
"MeatSim2 died"
"MeatSim1 died"
"Killed TediSim2"
"KazeSim2 died"
The rest were huddled together.
DarkSim - Almost half of our team are wiped out! Good gameplay...
Conker - Oh well, easy come, easy go...
All of a sudden, there was a hail of bullets and DarkSim fell to his knees and died. KazeSim turned around and saw 4 Tediz wielding AR34's. He charged to them, but was taken down without a sweat.
Conker and Rodent were thrown into seperate jail cells beside each other.
Conker - So what's that fancy suit your wearing?
Rodent - Uhm, it's an experiment, sort of a body armour.
"So it's bullet-proof?"
"No, it's, well, practically everything-proof, at least that's what they said."
"Anyways, does your suit have a way to get us out of here?"
"Yes, I have a plan."
Rodent turns toward the patrolling Tedi.
Rodent - "Uhm, guard, my stomach hurts, I need to see a doctor..."
A/N - I will now translate everything the Tediz say as of this point.
Tedi - "Do you think I was born yesturday? I've heard that one before"
Conker - Good plan you got there
Rodent - But guard, my stomach really hurts...
Tedi - Shut up!
Conker - Give it up, this is embarrassing.
Conker throws himself back at the wall while Rodent thinks of a plan to get out. He put his hands in his pockets and lets out a sigh...he feels something in his pocket.
Conker - What's this? *Pulls out "manual"*...hm, this could prove useful.
Conker shows the front cover of "The Village People" mag. The Tedi rushes over.
Tedi - OMG! That's the bonus january issue, I've been searching everywhere for it!
Conker - Let us out first.
The Tedi unlocks Conker's cell and snatches the manual. While reading, Conker delivers a sucker-punch to the back of the Tedi's head. He picks up the K7 Avenger he had and unlocks Rodent's cell, but the keys have no effect.
Conker - What? I'm sorry dude.
Rodent - It's ok, go on without me...good luck Conker.
Conker - Thanks.
With that, he heads out of the jail area, shooting all the Tediz he sees. He reaches another room. Conker peeks inside before steping in. What he sees will haunt him for the rest of his life....
Tedi 1 - Men In Black who like to f*ck each other, scene 5, take 2
Tedi 2 - Action!
Paint Brush(From Barn Boys) - Look Pot, there's an alien....
Paint Pot - Yeah, I see him also, we'd better f*ck him...
Conker - HOLD UP!
C:.....I know, I just scared myself.....
Paint Brush, Paint Bot, and all the other staff vanishes into thin air.
Conker - This whole character-author interaction bit is getting pretty old you know? And one more thing, if you write what I say, how come your letting me boss you around?
C:....ok, we'll skip ahead...
Conker - Whatever...
Conker's thought - HA! Sussed him...
PatrickSim's thoughts - Damn! He sussed me!
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Conker looks around the box and sees a Tedi occupying a machine gun ready to fire at Conker. He ducks behind the box again.
Conker - Hello? Mr. Tedi?
Tedi - What is it, beotch?
"Uhm, right, this is a good fur day, not a bad fur day, so can you please just get off the machine gun and let me play with it?"
"Uhm, why should I leave just because you're having a good day? What about me? I never had a good day, it ain't fair!"
The Tedi hops off the machine and pounds on the ground with his fists crying like a little baby. Conker hops in the machine gun and blows the Tedi to hell.
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Gregg - TIM! TIM!
Tedi starts waking up.
Gregg - YES YOU BOY! YOU'RE DEAD! DEADER THAN DEAD. DEADER THAN A DODO. DEADER THAN THE SPICE GIRLS.
Tedi - Huh?
Gregg - Oh bloody hell, just piss it all. This is the 13814th time I've done this, and I haven't received my bloody paycheck yet.
Tedi - Where am I?
Gregg - Your dead, are you bloody deaf? Did the Prof. forget to add brains to you when he bloody created you?
Tedi - I guess so.
Gregg - Well, your going to go to hell now for all the piss-poor things you've done in your life. That's all, piss off.
The Tedi walks off, and Gregg is left alone.
*meow*
Gregg - I didn't hear that...calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean. *Gregg starts massaging his own head*
*meow*
Gregg - Oh piss it all to hell, YOU PRICKS! JUST BE A GOOD CAT AND PISS OFF! *sigh*.....5...4...3...2...1...
*Another dead Tedi falls from the sky in front of Gregg*
Gregg - Here we go again for the bloody 12315th time...Bloody war, can't even get some time off to get my bloody furniture
cleaned, bloody cats, shitting all over the place....grrrr.....
Nelson Muntz - Haw Haw!
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Conker hops into the machine gun and awaits the ambush by the Tediz.
Announcer on P.A - Base cleared all Tediz report to area 291 for "Code Pink"...
Conker - Oh no! Base cleared? We lost the war?
The machine starts sinking into the ground, Conker is being transported to area 291. When he arrives, he sees Tediz everywhere, relaxing in spas, getting massages, eating cotton candy, and watching the Tele-Tubbies on T.V.
Conker taps the screen.
Conker - "Hey PatrickSim, now THIS is a good fur day, take some notes down, you lazy bastard."
Conker is then immediately transferred right in front of the T.V. Hundreds of Tediz stare angrily at him...
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Rodent - "And Conker's B.O smells like chicken dammit!"
The 3 Tediz in his cell laughs their head off....literally...
Rodent picks up the guns and ammo and leaves the cell. He was making his way along the hallways of the jail area. He opened a door slightly to find that there was a movie set, but no one was in there...suddenly, a door across the room opened.
Conker - No guys, what are you gonna do to me?
Tediz - Just move it along ya bum.
Paint Brush, Paint Pot and the other cast members appeared.
Tediz - We never got to finish our movie cuz of you, now all of y'alls gonna pay.
Paint Brush - Word' up, dog!
Paint Pot - A squirrel? Hey, it's this guy again. Where'd you find this character? He ain't representin', he ain't keepin' it real.
Tediz - Listen up my brother, we're on a deadline and we get whoever we want.
Conker was thrown onto a bed.
Tedi - ACTION!
Paint Brush (Pointing at Conker)- Look, Pot, this guy saw an alien, we'd better flash him to make him forget.
Pot - You are right, let's f*ck him first.
They both advanced on Conker. Then, Nemesis appeared.
Nemesis - WHAT THE F*UCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY CONKER?!?
Everybody looked around.
Tediz - Oh my god! It's Nemesis?
*All the Tediz rush to him*
Tediz - Can we please get your autograph?!
Nemesis - GIVE ME BACK MY CONKER!
Tedi - Hey look, you're noting but a failed project that was clumsy enough to fall into a vat of who-knows-what, then got defeated by some rail-cannon, so you're not one to talk to us...
Nemesis breaks down and cries.
Tedi - Hey, we didn't mean anything by it...
Nemesis gets up, and slashes the Tedi in half.
Rodent - Calm down now, Nemesis.
Tedi - Hey! What's Rodent doing here, he's suppose to be captured! Get him!
2 Tediz hold Rodent by the arms and drag him out of the room, while a 3rd one walks with them holding Rodent at gunpoint.
Nemesis - *Sniff*I think we need to see Jerry...
Conker - Again? I'm getting tired of having to wait around for PatrickSim to finish typing that fake show.
Everybody - IT AIN'T FAKE!
C: Conker, we'll let you and Rodent continue your adventure while they keep Jerry Springer company.
Conker - *phew* Thanks, your first smart move in the entire story PatrickSim, congrats...
C:.....er.....shuddap..
Conker heads out of the moive set. They wound up outside with 3 Tediz and a Tedi Commandant about to give the order to shoot at Rodent.
Commandant - Ready! Aim! Fire!
Rodent ducks into his suit like a turtle, the 3 Tediz shoot at him, unable penetrate the armour, they keep on shooting, hoping to do some damage...
Conker uses the situation to his advantage, and starts shooting at the 3 Tediz.
Tedi 1 - Great, we have to die again.
Tedi 2 - Ah, get use to it, we'll go to a better place
Gregg - I'll show you a bloody good place!
Tedi 3 - That's me buggered...
Commandant - No! Please! Spare me, and I'll grant you 3 wis--
Conker shoots the Commandant right in the head before he could finish his sentence.
Conker - Rodent? Are you ok?
Rodent - I'm fine, thank you Mr. Squirrel. Let's go, and if we see anything dangerous, just hide behind me, I'll protect you!
Conker - Uhm, sounds a bit strange, but ok...
Rodent (In Gregg's voice) - Strange? It's the best bloody deal your going to get you little prick!
Conker - Uhm.....right....
Conker starts walking the path, along walking, he spots a spider-robot come out of the ground.
Rodent - Hide behind me Mr. Squirrel!
Conker does as he's told. The spider blows up in contact with Rodent's armour, leaving Conker and Rodent unharmed.
Conker - Guess your good for something after all.
Rodent - Mr. Squirrel! Watch out!
Rodent pushes Conker out of the way just in time before the missile hit the ground.
Rodent - Come on, Sarge told us to go this way.
Conker followed Rodent, hiding behind him when Spiders appeared, and ran when a missile was about to land on them.
They made it to a huge door at the end of a trench.
Conker - Hey look! A conetext sensitive thingy...*presses B*...a bazooka! Now that's more like it!
Rodent - Look Mr. Squirrel! *Points to the sky*
Conker looked up, and saw the Tediz were being air-dropped onto them.
Conker - Oh crap!
With the bazooka, Conker blew some Tediz right out of the sky. But he realized that they were out-numbered and had to get cover. He started shooting at 4 locks on the huge door. It swung open.
Rodent (Somehow he survived the air raid) - Come on, let's go!
Tediz - Well, that whole being parachuted-to-ambush-them was a wole waste of time, their gonna get to the tank now!
Tedi 2 - We're questioning our ways a lot, we are pretty stupid creatures aren't we?
Tedi 3 - Man, now what are we suppose to do?
The Tediz take out a hacky sack and starts playing.
When they went through the other side, there was a tank sitting across from them.
Rodent - Wow! It's the brand new class 22 tank, we've only heard rumours about it being complete, but...
Conker - What the hell is it just sitting here for? Why aren't the Tediz using it?.....Pf! Seems like the Tediz want us to win.
Rodent hops in and Conker does so too.
Dr. Caroll - Do you have any idea what you're doing?
Conekr - What the hell is this thing doing here? Hey Caroll! Go back to the Perfect Dark section of--
Dr. Caroll - Do you have any idea what you're doing?
*Boom*
Dr. Caroll is blown up by the tank and Rodent drives.
Rodent - So Mr. Squirrel, how's life been treating you?
Conker - My name's Conker, and I don't understand, why haven't I found my house yet?
Rodent - I don't know, hey, look up ahead, there's a tower...
Ze Professor (At the turret gun on top of the tower) - Mwahahahah! Now we'll see who gets the duct tape!
He starts shooting at Conker and Rodent. Luckily, the tank can take it, but not for much longer.
Conker - GO GO GO!
Rodent - But the bridge isn't lowered, I can't get across!
Conker - *ahem*
C:.....*sigh*....
The bridge lowers and Rodent is able to drive across. Several Tediz are hiding in the sand, but since Conker isn't out of the tank *cough* coward* *cough*...
Conker - Shuddap!*
...Rodent easily drives over them. They also shoot tank shells at the supporting beams of the tower, causing it to fall.
Ze Professor - Why am I such a fat bas-....
The tower collapses causing a big hole to appear at the middle of this area.
Conker - Guess I'm gonna go that way.
Conker hops out of the tank and into the hole...
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He lands in an underground lake area. He sees the back of a little girl in the middle.
Conker - Hey little girl, it's not safe to be out here all by yourself, where are your parents?
The little girl keeps her back at Conker and doesn't answer.
Conker - Uhm...ok...
Then, the little girl does a 180 with her head...
Little Girl - See what your F*CKING daughter did?
Conker (A little wary)- But...I don't have a daughter...
Little Girl - *Exorcist Noises*
Rodent's tank drops in. Rodent gets out...
Rodent (In slow-mo) - Cooonker....NOOOOOOOO!!!
The platform the little girl was standing on opens....revealing a Tediz experiment, spider legs with a Tediz upper body.
Little Girl (in cute little girl voice)- Ok, today's lesson are double-barreled mini-guns, firing at a rate of a billion jillion zillion bullets per second.
Conker hops in the tank with Rodent.
Conker - Come on! Hide in one of those small tunnels
Rodent drive the tank inside the tunnel with a trail of bullets behind them.
Little Girl - Yay! *claps hand and giggles like a little school girl*
When the Tediz reload, Rodent drives out of the tunnel and gives the little girl a missile. The little girl gets blown off the Tediz hand.
Little Girl - *More Exorcist noise* F*ck you!......(Back in little girl voice)...no, no, must stay calm now.....calm blue ocean...calm blue ocean..
The Experiement picks up Little Girl and puts him back on his hand.
Little Girl - Next up, we have double Magneto Lasers...they don't need to reload, because they are charged up by 3 double-A energizer batteries....it keeps going and going and...
The mascot for Energizer (pink rabbit) appears and walks past the Tediz experiment while hitting the drum.
Little Girl - Yay! Cute little rabbit go, go! *giggles like a little school girl*
Rodent, seeing this as an advantage, gives the little girl another missile in the face.
Little Girl - *Exorcist noise* F*UCK OFF! I've had enough of your little....(back in little girl voice)...stay calm, must stay calm...
And for the finale, fur-seeking missiles launchers!!
Conker/Rodent - *gulp*
The Experiment deploys 4 rockets, but Rodent keeps the tank in the tunnel as cover. Once the 4 rockets explode, Rodent drives the tank out and deals the final blow to take out the experiment. While bending over to pick up the little girl, Rodent notices a "Do not push button* and dleivers a missile to the back of the Experiment. The Experiment blows up.
Little Girl - You *Beep**Beep**Beep*....
The little girl dies and an announcer comes from nowhere to announces that...
Announcer - Self-destruct system activated.....4 minutes and 30 minus T seconds until detanation. Just then, 2 spider mines appear from the Tediz Experiment and runs toward the Tank, blowing it up.
Conker comes to and sees Rodent lying beside him. Conker kneels to him...
Conker - "Rodent....He was a great guy, a superb soldier, a military tactician... and yet, he was mortal, like the rest of us.''
Announcer - T minus 10 seconds before detanation...
Conker - What?!?!? That's not fair? I was unconscious! Oh crap....
Announcer - 5...4...3...2...1...
Will Conker make it out of this one alive? Tune in next time! Same squirrel channel, same squirrel time...
YEAH RIGHT!
*Everything freezes*
Conker - *rapid breathing noises* PatrickSim, you gotta help me out here....*hyperventilates*...
C:....uhm...what happened to the rude Conker who started talking back to me?
Conker - Oh shove it! You know you have to help me out here! Otherwise your fic will end and all the readers will flame you for a bull-shit ending.
C:.....
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Conker - "Rodent....He was a great guy, a superb soldier, a military tactician... and yet, he was mortal, like the rest of us.''
Announcer - T minus 4 minutes before detanation...
Conker - That's better...
Conker's thoughts - Did I just sussed him again?
PatrickSim's thoguht - Did he suss me again?
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Conker finds himself in a hallway with laser beams in front of him.
Conker - This ain't gonna be pretty....
Using his techniques and agility, Conker made it past the lasers that seemed to come out of nowhere. He also had to put up with Tediz who'd ambush him at a few corners.
Once outside, Conker found himself on the beach again, but with Tediz aremd with bazookas. Blowing Tediz off their feet, Conker managed to kill all of them...On the shoreline were a couple of survivors and the Sarge.
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Rodent wakes up.
Rodent - Ow! My head.....looks like I was knocked unconscious...where's Mr. Squirrel? What happened?....Oh yeah...there was a countdown...and an explosion...and the lookie there...there's the clock...
Announcer - 5...4...3...2...
Rodent - Oh Fu....
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Sarge - Take off! Let's go, let's go! Now, recruits! I'd like to congratulate you on a job well done. We've won the war and defeated the Tediz Experiment.
Conker - What do you mean we?
Sarge - And also, please take time to salute those who didn't make it, and they will remain in our hearts until squirrels fly...
*Explosion occurs in the distance and Rodent flies above the boat*
Sarge - Uhm......disregard that last comment....
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Conker is let off at Windy...and he sees that the windmill is destroyed. Conker walks up the hill and sees Rodent rise above the ruins.
Conker - So you made it after all, good stuff Rodent..
Rodent - Uh...thanks Mr. Squirrel...what do we do now?
Conker - Well, I think I'll be heading into the next chapter.....I believe it's called "Heist"...
Rodent - Well, I guess I'll be heading to my next chapter.....
Conker - What's that?
Rodent - I don' know, I think it's at the end...I'll be waiting outside the throne doors.
Conker - Well ok buddy, I'll see you later then..
Rodent - Bye
Conker - Well, I'm by myself again....guess I have to hop into this hole....
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Jerry - For the love of god, stop putting me in your goddamn Fic, I've had enough with these characters
C: Do as you're told, or else I'll send you back to where I found you.
Jerry - No! Anywhere but there!
C: Then it's settled...
Jerry - Welcome back to our show, today we have a gentle creature named Nemesis who feels as if he's been taken advantage for his entire life...
Crowd - Awwww
Jerry - I don't know who the hell is suppose to be supporting/opposing this, so whoevers behind the set come on out.
All the contestants/guests from previous shows come back and starts scrathing each other.
Jerry - What the hell?!
C: I'm feeling lazy...
Jerry - But I'm gonna get bad ratings
C: Hey, this is my fic so I write what happens
Jerry - Dammit! I quit, I'm not part of your dumbass fic anymore.
C: As you wish....
Jerry - That was easy....
Great Mighty Poo comes along and rapes Jerry.
Jerry - F*CK!
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A/N - I planned to write something here...but I forgot what...oh well, I'm an idiot...anyways, this chapter took a long while to write...heist should be a short chapter, consisting of Heinrich and Matrix...so, R&R please? I'll leave you this chapter with the final words of the Great Mighty Poo
GMP - The *beep* is biting me! The *beep* is biting me!!
A newsreel plays showing mini-scenes of war.
Announcer - It' WAR! Are you fed up being pushed around by Tediz? Want to do something that will go down in history? Sign up for the army and go kick some Tediz ass! You will learn how to control state-of-the-art technology and hand-to-hand combat, as well as hwo to handle a firearm. What are you waiting? Join NOW!
Conker comes too have that bumpy ride with Mr. Barrel. He notices that he's back in Windy, and a particular door that was locked before is now wide-open. He goes in to find himself on a mini-beach.
Sarge - Ok soldiers! It's tim....Oh, there's only 1 of yas...Ok, it's your duty as a brave young squirrel to show the Tediz what we are made of by fighting in this war. But, one of our bombers have crashed right in the gateway to the ocean, the only way our ships can join the squirrels who are fighting as we speak. We need you to clear the way so we can help out the recruits. You're dismissed!
Sarge walks away...singing a song...
Sarge - I don't know what I've been told....ladadadaladada
Conker walks up to a restroom and knocks on the door. A guys carrying a pack of dynamite on his back.
Dynamite Guy - Uh, what do you want?
Conker - Uhm, you have some dynamite, and I need to clear the bomber so some guys can help out other guys kill some bad guys...
Guy - Yup, that's me, I have dynamite...but do you mind pushing me? My legs is tired from all dat crappin' I been doin'
Conker - *sigh*
Well, Conker pushes 2 dynamite guys to each side of the bomber and then takes a swim in the water.
Eel - What the hell are you doin' in my water boy?
Conker - Uh, it seems to be that there are some power sources that need to be revived in order for this base to function again....
Eel - No need to use fancy-arsed vocabulary on me boy, I'll help you out, only if you beat me at Po-
Conker - HOLD UP!
C:.....*sigh*....what now?
Conker - Not another pokemon game! I've had enough of that for one day...
C: Well what do you suggest?
Conker - Anything that doesn't end in -mon
C: As you wish....
Conker - That was too easy.....
Eel - I'll help you out, only if you play Tea Party with me.
Conker - What?!? Ok...whatever....
Conker dresses up like a little doll.
Eel - Would you like some more pink tea? Mr. Conkie?
Conker - Uh...what's in this pink tea?
Eel - It tastes real bad, but is suppose to drive an indiviual's sex-urges by %200....
"Really? Can I have the recipe for this pink tea?"
"You can get it at a bar, it's called 'Tequila', that's how I got mine, and it doesn't taste as bad as people say it does..."
"You had some? How are you feeling?"
"Quite horny, care for a fuck?"
"Oh god...."
Conker starts swimming away, but the eel continues to follow. Conker leads him through the 3 rings and the base is officialy on-line. 2 of the lights explode due to high amounts of electricity, and the sparks light up the fuse attached at the Dynamite Guys back.
*BOOM*
The way is cleared and the Sarge appears to congratulate Conker.
Sarge - Good work trooper, now our boys can go out to sea, I expect to see you on the boat in 5 minutes.
Conker - Hey, I never said anything about fighting in any war, I just did it cause the author wrote it in.
Sarge - Well, I understand your reasons, and--*Smack*
Conker is knock out cold by the Sarge.
When Conker wakes up, he sees that he's on a boat out at sea.
Conker - Hey fellas, any idea where we're heading?
-silence, one guy vomits due to "seasickness"-
Conker arrives at the Tediz island, only to be greeted by a hail of machine gun fire. Conekr ducks into a drench just in time, there is a squirrel right beside him.
Conker - Hey buddy, How do I get out of here?! I'm not even suppose to be here.
The squirrel looks at Conker, then let's out a wild scream, then charges out of the drench and into the Tediz base. Conker hesitantly follows. On his way, he bumps into a Tedi.
Tedi (In raspy voice) - Mother%&!@
Conker - Uh, nice to meet you too....do you know how to get me out of here?
The Tedi rasies his gun at Conker...
Conker - What are you doing?! I didn't do anything to you, oh shit!
Just before the trigger is pulled, the Tedi's head gets shot off. A figure approaches Conker.
Conker - Uh, hey, thanks dude.
The figure in the shadows tosses 2 CMP150's at Conker.
Rodent - You can call me Rodent.
Before Conker can say another word, a barrage of bullets forces Rodent and Conker to run for cover. Will miracles never cease? Only you and Rodent made the run.
Once inside the Tediz fortress, Conker and Rodent met up with the undercover squirrels (dressed up as Tediz), MeatSim1, MeatSim2, KazeSim1, KazeSim2, and DarkSim.
MeatSim1 - What are we gonna do man? We're gonna be blown to bits when we go through this door, you dig?
KazeSim1 - I say we just charge in there
DarkSim - Well Conker, what do you suggest?
Conker - Here's the gameplay, MeatSim1 and MeatSim2 will charge in 10 yards square in. KazeSim1, you do the fly. KazeSim2 go to the left and do the twinkie. DarkSim, you go 5 yards out and hook. Rodent...you go 5 yards square out. I'll do the slant.
They did their game plan, the room was cleared, but some people didn't make it. A message text box was in the bottom left corner of Conker's vision.
"Killed TediSim1"
"Killed TediSim7"
"MeatSim2 died"
"MeatSim1 died"
"Killed TediSim2"
"KazeSim2 died"
The rest were huddled together.
DarkSim - Almost half of our team are wiped out! Good gameplay...
Conker - Oh well, easy come, easy go...
All of a sudden, there was a hail of bullets and DarkSim fell to his knees and died. KazeSim turned around and saw 4 Tediz wielding AR34's. He charged to them, but was taken down without a sweat.
Conker and Rodent were thrown into seperate jail cells beside each other.
Conker - So what's that fancy suit your wearing?
Rodent - Uhm, it's an experiment, sort of a body armour.
"So it's bullet-proof?"
"No, it's, well, practically everything-proof, at least that's what they said."
"Anyways, does your suit have a way to get us out of here?"
"Yes, I have a plan."
Rodent turns toward the patrolling Tedi.
Rodent - "Uhm, guard, my stomach hurts, I need to see a doctor..."
A/N - I will now translate everything the Tediz say as of this point.
Tedi - "Do you think I was born yesturday? I've heard that one before"
Conker - Good plan you got there
Rodent - But guard, my stomach really hurts...
Tedi - Shut up!
Conker - Give it up, this is embarrassing.
Conker throws himself back at the wall while Rodent thinks of a plan to get out. He put his hands in his pockets and lets out a sigh...he feels something in his pocket.
Conker - What's this? *Pulls out "manual"*...hm, this could prove useful.
Conker shows the front cover of "The Village People" mag. The Tedi rushes over.
Tedi - OMG! That's the bonus january issue, I've been searching everywhere for it!
Conker - Let us out first.
The Tedi unlocks Conker's cell and snatches the manual. While reading, Conker delivers a sucker-punch to the back of the Tedi's head. He picks up the K7 Avenger he had and unlocks Rodent's cell, but the keys have no effect.
Conker - What? I'm sorry dude.
Rodent - It's ok, go on without me...good luck Conker.
Conker - Thanks.
With that, he heads out of the jail area, shooting all the Tediz he sees. He reaches another room. Conker peeks inside before steping in. What he sees will haunt him for the rest of his life....
Tedi 1 - Men In Black who like to f*ck each other, scene 5, take 2
Tedi 2 - Action!
Paint Brush(From Barn Boys) - Look Pot, there's an alien....
Paint Pot - Yeah, I see him also, we'd better f*ck him...
Conker - HOLD UP!
C:.....I know, I just scared myself.....
Paint Brush, Paint Bot, and all the other staff vanishes into thin air.
Conker - This whole character-author interaction bit is getting pretty old you know? And one more thing, if you write what I say, how come your letting me boss you around?
C:....ok, we'll skip ahead...
Conker - Whatever...
Conker's thought - HA! Sussed him...
PatrickSim's thoughts - Damn! He sussed me!
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Conker looks around the box and sees a Tedi occupying a machine gun ready to fire at Conker. He ducks behind the box again.
Conker - Hello? Mr. Tedi?
Tedi - What is it, beotch?
"Uhm, right, this is a good fur day, not a bad fur day, so can you please just get off the machine gun and let me play with it?"
"Uhm, why should I leave just because you're having a good day? What about me? I never had a good day, it ain't fair!"
The Tedi hops off the machine and pounds on the ground with his fists crying like a little baby. Conker hops in the machine gun and blows the Tedi to hell.
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Gregg - TIM! TIM!
Tedi starts waking up.
Gregg - YES YOU BOY! YOU'RE DEAD! DEADER THAN DEAD. DEADER THAN A DODO. DEADER THAN THE SPICE GIRLS.
Tedi - Huh?
Gregg - Oh bloody hell, just piss it all. This is the 13814th time I've done this, and I haven't received my bloody paycheck yet.
Tedi - Where am I?
Gregg - Your dead, are you bloody deaf? Did the Prof. forget to add brains to you when he bloody created you?
Tedi - I guess so.
Gregg - Well, your going to go to hell now for all the piss-poor things you've done in your life. That's all, piss off.
The Tedi walks off, and Gregg is left alone.
*meow*
Gregg - I didn't hear that...calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean. *Gregg starts massaging his own head*
*meow*
Gregg - Oh piss it all to hell, YOU PRICKS! JUST BE A GOOD CAT AND PISS OFF! *sigh*.....5...4...3...2...1...
*Another dead Tedi falls from the sky in front of Gregg*
Gregg - Here we go again for the bloody 12315th time...Bloody war, can't even get some time off to get my bloody furniture
cleaned, bloody cats, shitting all over the place....grrrr.....
Nelson Muntz - Haw Haw!
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Conker hops into the machine gun and awaits the ambush by the Tediz.
Announcer on P.A - Base cleared all Tediz report to area 291 for "Code Pink"...
Conker - Oh no! Base cleared? We lost the war?
The machine starts sinking into the ground, Conker is being transported to area 291. When he arrives, he sees Tediz everywhere, relaxing in spas, getting massages, eating cotton candy, and watching the Tele-Tubbies on T.V.
Conker taps the screen.
Conker - "Hey PatrickSim, now THIS is a good fur day, take some notes down, you lazy bastard."
Conker is then immediately transferred right in front of the T.V. Hundreds of Tediz stare angrily at him...
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Rodent - "And Conker's B.O smells like chicken dammit!"
The 3 Tediz in his cell laughs their head off....literally...
Rodent picks up the guns and ammo and leaves the cell. He was making his way along the hallways of the jail area. He opened a door slightly to find that there was a movie set, but no one was in there...suddenly, a door across the room opened.
Conker - No guys, what are you gonna do to me?
Tediz - Just move it along ya bum.
Paint Brush, Paint Pot and the other cast members appeared.
Tediz - We never got to finish our movie cuz of you, now all of y'alls gonna pay.
Paint Brush - Word' up, dog!
Paint Pot - A squirrel? Hey, it's this guy again. Where'd you find this character? He ain't representin', he ain't keepin' it real.
Tediz - Listen up my brother, we're on a deadline and we get whoever we want.
Conker was thrown onto a bed.
Tedi - ACTION!
Paint Brush (Pointing at Conker)- Look, Pot, this guy saw an alien, we'd better flash him to make him forget.
Pot - You are right, let's f*ck him first.
They both advanced on Conker. Then, Nemesis appeared.
Nemesis - WHAT THE F*UCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY CONKER?!?
Everybody looked around.
Tediz - Oh my god! It's Nemesis?
*All the Tediz rush to him*
Tediz - Can we please get your autograph?!
Nemesis - GIVE ME BACK MY CONKER!
Tedi - Hey look, you're noting but a failed project that was clumsy enough to fall into a vat of who-knows-what, then got defeated by some rail-cannon, so you're not one to talk to us...
Nemesis breaks down and cries.
Tedi - Hey, we didn't mean anything by it...
Nemesis gets up, and slashes the Tedi in half.
Rodent - Calm down now, Nemesis.
Tedi - Hey! What's Rodent doing here, he's suppose to be captured! Get him!
2 Tediz hold Rodent by the arms and drag him out of the room, while a 3rd one walks with them holding Rodent at gunpoint.
Nemesis - *Sniff*I think we need to see Jerry...
Conker - Again? I'm getting tired of having to wait around for PatrickSim to finish typing that fake show.
Everybody - IT AIN'T FAKE!
C: Conker, we'll let you and Rodent continue your adventure while they keep Jerry Springer company.
Conker - *phew* Thanks, your first smart move in the entire story PatrickSim, congrats...
C:.....er.....shuddap..
Conker heads out of the moive set. They wound up outside with 3 Tediz and a Tedi Commandant about to give the order to shoot at Rodent.
Commandant - Ready! Aim! Fire!
Rodent ducks into his suit like a turtle, the 3 Tediz shoot at him, unable penetrate the armour, they keep on shooting, hoping to do some damage...
Conker uses the situation to his advantage, and starts shooting at the 3 Tediz.
Tedi 1 - Great, we have to die again.
Tedi 2 - Ah, get use to it, we'll go to a better place
Gregg - I'll show you a bloody good place!
Tedi 3 - That's me buggered...
Commandant - No! Please! Spare me, and I'll grant you 3 wis--
Conker shoots the Commandant right in the head before he could finish his sentence.
Conker - Rodent? Are you ok?
Rodent - I'm fine, thank you Mr. Squirrel. Let's go, and if we see anything dangerous, just hide behind me, I'll protect you!
Conker - Uhm, sounds a bit strange, but ok...
Rodent (In Gregg's voice) - Strange? It's the best bloody deal your going to get you little prick!
Conker - Uhm.....right....
Conker starts walking the path, along walking, he spots a spider-robot come out of the ground.
Rodent - Hide behind me Mr. Squirrel!
Conker does as he's told. The spider blows up in contact with Rodent's armour, leaving Conker and Rodent unharmed.
Conker - Guess your good for something after all.
Rodent - Mr. Squirrel! Watch out!
Rodent pushes Conker out of the way just in time before the missile hit the ground.
Rodent - Come on, Sarge told us to go this way.
Conker followed Rodent, hiding behind him when Spiders appeared, and ran when a missile was about to land on them.
They made it to a huge door at the end of a trench.
Conker - Hey look! A conetext sensitive thingy...*presses B*...a bazooka! Now that's more like it!
Rodent - Look Mr. Squirrel! *Points to the sky*
Conker looked up, and saw the Tediz were being air-dropped onto them.
Conker - Oh crap!
With the bazooka, Conker blew some Tediz right out of the sky. But he realized that they were out-numbered and had to get cover. He started shooting at 4 locks on the huge door. It swung open.
Rodent (Somehow he survived the air raid) - Come on, let's go!
Tediz - Well, that whole being parachuted-to-ambush-them was a wole waste of time, their gonna get to the tank now!
Tedi 2 - We're questioning our ways a lot, we are pretty stupid creatures aren't we?
Tedi 3 - Man, now what are we suppose to do?
The Tediz take out a hacky sack and starts playing.
When they went through the other side, there was a tank sitting across from them.
Rodent - Wow! It's the brand new class 22 tank, we've only heard rumours about it being complete, but...
Conker - What the hell is it just sitting here for? Why aren't the Tediz using it?.....Pf! Seems like the Tediz want us to win.
Rodent hops in and Conker does so too.
Dr. Caroll - Do you have any idea what you're doing?
Conekr - What the hell is this thing doing here? Hey Caroll! Go back to the Perfect Dark section of--
Dr. Caroll - Do you have any idea what you're doing?
*Boom*
Dr. Caroll is blown up by the tank and Rodent drives.
Rodent - So Mr. Squirrel, how's life been treating you?
Conker - My name's Conker, and I don't understand, why haven't I found my house yet?
Rodent - I don't know, hey, look up ahead, there's a tower...
Ze Professor (At the turret gun on top of the tower) - Mwahahahah! Now we'll see who gets the duct tape!
He starts shooting at Conker and Rodent. Luckily, the tank can take it, but not for much longer.
Conker - GO GO GO!
Rodent - But the bridge isn't lowered, I can't get across!
Conker - *ahem*
C:.....*sigh*....
The bridge lowers and Rodent is able to drive across. Several Tediz are hiding in the sand, but since Conker isn't out of the tank *cough* coward* *cough*...
Conker - Shuddap!*
...Rodent easily drives over them. They also shoot tank shells at the supporting beams of the tower, causing it to fall.
Ze Professor - Why am I such a fat bas-....
The tower collapses causing a big hole to appear at the middle of this area.
Conker - Guess I'm gonna go that way.
Conker hops out of the tank and into the hole...
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He lands in an underground lake area. He sees the back of a little girl in the middle.
Conker - Hey little girl, it's not safe to be out here all by yourself, where are your parents?
The little girl keeps her back at Conker and doesn't answer.
Conker - Uhm...ok...
Then, the little girl does a 180 with her head...
Little Girl - See what your F*CKING daughter did?
Conker (A little wary)- But...I don't have a daughter...
Little Girl - *Exorcist Noises*
Rodent's tank drops in. Rodent gets out...
Rodent (In slow-mo) - Cooonker....NOOOOOOOO!!!
The platform the little girl was standing on opens....revealing a Tediz experiment, spider legs with a Tediz upper body.
Little Girl (in cute little girl voice)- Ok, today's lesson are double-barreled mini-guns, firing at a rate of a billion jillion zillion bullets per second.
Conker hops in the tank with Rodent.
Conker - Come on! Hide in one of those small tunnels
Rodent drive the tank inside the tunnel with a trail of bullets behind them.
Little Girl - Yay! *claps hand and giggles like a little school girl*
When the Tediz reload, Rodent drives out of the tunnel and gives the little girl a missile. The little girl gets blown off the Tediz hand.
Little Girl - *More Exorcist noise* F*ck you!......(Back in little girl voice)...no, no, must stay calm now.....calm blue ocean...calm blue ocean..
The Experiement picks up Little Girl and puts him back on his hand.
Little Girl - Next up, we have double Magneto Lasers...they don't need to reload, because they are charged up by 3 double-A energizer batteries....it keeps going and going and...
The mascot for Energizer (pink rabbit) appears and walks past the Tediz experiment while hitting the drum.
Little Girl - Yay! Cute little rabbit go, go! *giggles like a little school girl*
Rodent, seeing this as an advantage, gives the little girl another missile in the face.
Little Girl - *Exorcist noise* F*UCK OFF! I've had enough of your little....(back in little girl voice)...stay calm, must stay calm...
And for the finale, fur-seeking missiles launchers!!
Conker/Rodent - *gulp*
The Experiment deploys 4 rockets, but Rodent keeps the tank in the tunnel as cover. Once the 4 rockets explode, Rodent drives the tank out and deals the final blow to take out the experiment. While bending over to pick up the little girl, Rodent notices a "Do not push button* and dleivers a missile to the back of the Experiment. The Experiment blows up.
Little Girl - You *Beep**Beep**Beep*....
The little girl dies and an announcer comes from nowhere to announces that...
Announcer - Self-destruct system activated.....4 minutes and 30 minus T seconds until detanation. Just then, 2 spider mines appear from the Tediz Experiment and runs toward the Tank, blowing it up.
Conker comes to and sees Rodent lying beside him. Conker kneels to him...
Conker - "Rodent....He was a great guy, a superb soldier, a military tactician... and yet, he was mortal, like the rest of us.''
Announcer - T minus 10 seconds before detanation...
Conker - What?!?!? That's not fair? I was unconscious! Oh crap....
Announcer - 5...4...3...2...1...
Will Conker make it out of this one alive? Tune in next time! Same squirrel channel, same squirrel time...
YEAH RIGHT!
*Everything freezes*
Conker - *rapid breathing noises* PatrickSim, you gotta help me out here....*hyperventilates*...
C:....uhm...what happened to the rude Conker who started talking back to me?
Conker - Oh shove it! You know you have to help me out here! Otherwise your fic will end and all the readers will flame you for a bull-shit ending.
C:.....
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Conker - "Rodent....He was a great guy, a superb soldier, a military tactician... and yet, he was mortal, like the rest of us.''
Announcer - T minus 4 minutes before detanation...
Conker - That's better...
Conker's thoughts - Did I just sussed him again?
PatrickSim's thoguht - Did he suss me again?
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Conker finds himself in a hallway with laser beams in front of him.
Conker - This ain't gonna be pretty....
Using his techniques and agility, Conker made it past the lasers that seemed to come out of nowhere. He also had to put up with Tediz who'd ambush him at a few corners.
Once outside, Conker found himself on the beach again, but with Tediz aremd with bazookas. Blowing Tediz off their feet, Conker managed to kill all of them...On the shoreline were a couple of survivors and the Sarge.
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Rodent wakes up.
Rodent - Ow! My head.....looks like I was knocked unconscious...where's Mr. Squirrel? What happened?....Oh yeah...there was a countdown...and an explosion...and the lookie there...there's the clock...
Announcer - 5...4...3...2...
Rodent - Oh Fu....
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Sarge - Take off! Let's go, let's go! Now, recruits! I'd like to congratulate you on a job well done. We've won the war and defeated the Tediz Experiment.
Conker - What do you mean we?
Sarge - And also, please take time to salute those who didn't make it, and they will remain in our hearts until squirrels fly...
*Explosion occurs in the distance and Rodent flies above the boat*
Sarge - Uhm......disregard that last comment....
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Conker is let off at Windy...and he sees that the windmill is destroyed. Conker walks up the hill and sees Rodent rise above the ruins.
Conker - So you made it after all, good stuff Rodent..
Rodent - Uh...thanks Mr. Squirrel...what do we do now?
Conker - Well, I think I'll be heading into the next chapter.....I believe it's called "Heist"...
Rodent - Well, I guess I'll be heading to my next chapter.....
Conker - What's that?
Rodent - I don' know, I think it's at the end...I'll be waiting outside the throne doors.
Conker - Well ok buddy, I'll see you later then..
Rodent - Bye
Conker - Well, I'm by myself again....guess I have to hop into this hole....
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Jerry - For the love of god, stop putting me in your goddamn Fic, I've had enough with these characters
C: Do as you're told, or else I'll send you back to where I found you.
Jerry - No! Anywhere but there!
C: Then it's settled...
Jerry - Welcome back to our show, today we have a gentle creature named Nemesis who feels as if he's been taken advantage for his entire life...
Crowd - Awwww
Jerry - I don't know who the hell is suppose to be supporting/opposing this, so whoevers behind the set come on out.
All the contestants/guests from previous shows come back and starts scrathing each other.
Jerry - What the hell?!
C: I'm feeling lazy...
Jerry - But I'm gonna get bad ratings
C: Hey, this is my fic so I write what happens
Jerry - Dammit! I quit, I'm not part of your dumbass fic anymore.
C: As you wish....
Jerry - That was easy....
Great Mighty Poo comes along and rapes Jerry.
Jerry - F*CK!
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A/N - I planned to write something here...but I forgot what...oh well, I'm an idiot...anyways, this chapter took a long while to write...heist should be a short chapter, consisting of Heinrich and Matrix...so, R&R please? I'll leave you this chapter with the final words of the Great Mighty Poo
GMP - The *beep* is biting me! The *beep* is biting me!!